Bareback train of thoughts

poems of lost worlds

[clusterdstars]

Partings

I know

we are all connected

but it's hard to feel part of the whole

when a part of the whole

apart from the whole

is less than a half

and makes you feel smaller

than the universe you are on your own.

[clusterdstars]

Tranquil nights

on tranquil nights like this

I often think of nothing

under the covers.

I lie in my bed

while nothing takes me

to be its vessel.

I become nothing

and my heart's pounding

echoes in my chest.

it's not moving

it's barely there

unnoticeable

hungry as ever.

usually it takes a couple of days

and nothing clears up on its own

but not now.

nothing is heavy

nothing smells like childhood

and I'm 17 and 365 days old —

it's leap year.

I hug my pillows tighter

and nothing gets quiet as ever

it's always nothing who numbs me enough

that I have time to think about dying.

colors are violently vibrant.

life seems pointless.

I lull myself to sleep.

I dream of nothing

and the towers falling.

what a fall.

it's almost like matter creates

its own nothingness —

and I create mine.

what a way to torture myself.

what a way to be devine.

[clusterdstars]

Bodyswap

I saw all of our souls tonight they were tall, star-painted beings reaching high, arms attached, hanging down grabbing onto the vessels we are, flowing in us. Impromtu knowledge; Earth is just a stop we make amongst galaxies hurtling down our ghosts like parachutes we lean back onto them light a shell can’t handle we travel on, we go in spirals shapeshifting into each other to see every point of view there is and prance to the next batch of consciousness we have the fortune to explore

[clusterdstars]

A different concept of time

you promised later we'll have time

and went on to tend to adult things:

false proclaims, childish cruelty, white lies,

afternoons spent surviving the day,

retreat and start again.

I used to believe you as you always knew better,

loved for always being the most mature.

so I kept on waiting in dark allies,

empty changing rooms,

on the bus way back home,

under classroom benches,

late afternoon walking through school corridors,

watching TV in the livingroom alone.

I kept on waiting for you to let go of

false proclaims, childish cruelty, white lies,

but they always mattered the most to you.

you said

false proclaims hurt

childish cruelty hurt

white lies hurt

and tore our soul apart.

so I kept quiet, crouching in the corner.

I kept on waiting and years went by.

we grew apart.

you're taller now, you're still the most mature -

you see now I, too, used to know better,

now you're banging on the kids' room's door,

the TV's on

we're walking the corridors we were tucked in,

the messy classroom benches,

the buses we took home,

the empty changing rooms and dark allies

where our childhood never begin.

we are lingering.

and you pray, you say sorry, you scream, you cry

but we don't have time as it flew by,

we grew apart,

you're older now.

we're not the same anymore.

you've been tending to adult things,

and us, children you could have been mourn you

miss you

love you even when you can't love yourself for missing out on us.

it's okay. you've done everything, you couldn't have known.

you were a child.

you were one of us.

you were alone.

[clusterdstars]

Strange behaviour

my friends don't get it

why do I try to love someone who

- defying all odds -

manages to (almost) never get me right

(even though I provide a map)

I've grown to be a pretty city of amusements

eg. Responsible Road

or Anxiety Avenue

or Sad Square

or Bipolar Boulevard

I never cease to amaze

yet, she keeps turning the wrong way

but sometimes

when she turns right

she gets a glimpse of me

and I get a glimpse of her

and another tile falls into its place on the constructionsite I am

[clusterdstars]

Separation

in separation there is collision

bodies separate from other bodies

then crash in love

like the waves crash onto the shore,

back and forth

back and forth

like the moon dips into the dark,

half moons after new moons

and full moons after half moons,

suns gobble up alive planets

and spit them out renewed,

while stars merge with other stars

up till an explosion takes place.

we dance our ways back to each other

- the nature of celestial bodies -

back and forth

back and forth

until we shatter into a million pieces,

gather, and start out again:

consciousness lost, though together, at last.

[clusterdstars]

Rain

you splinter my face with tears I haven't cried

and you're knocking on my windows oh-so patiently.

you bring the smell of summers

I've broken my heart over,

warm, misty winds -

leafy, wet surrendering.

I sit on the windowsill trying to remember your colors

it's been a long winter and I have changed,

I dye my hair, I got piercings,

a heart's still racing as you hurry by.

I'm no man to dance with your daffodils,

they're green and barely buds;

- I'm still blue, barely better.

your colors are hidden anyway,

it's almost midnight,

so my color is well-hidden, too.

I try you on like a warm blanket I bought on a rosy Wednesday afternoon

when the sky was almost clear,

and I saw you walking by.

you left a light trace of the smell of being alive

herbs like rosemary,

lavender,

thyme:

the more time I spend loving you

the quicker you rush by

and I can't wait for another day for it to

rain.

[clusterdstars]

I'm getting my life together

in a small box.

I have to get out of here.

What if I had the right to be happy.

Probably I'd have the courage to ask questions.

The games I used to play don't mean fun anymore,

and the more I think about it

maybe they never did.

It's just sad staring out the window

watching the trees shed snow off of their branches

while the calendar marks June.

The last time I played I lost a tooth.

I cried and I stomped off to my childhood home,

and ruined the freshly picked bouqet

she prepared to feast July.

The precious flowers painted to floor red

- color of hatred -

and sometimes it still feels like the afternoon

I lost my ability to speak.

My lips were sealed by myself

destined to silence the eternity I hold

and though the flowers will never regain their red

and though my smile misses a tooth

and though I may have killed a sister that afternoon

I still think

I should be allowed to feel something.

So I'm getting my life together

in a small box

and flee the country.

I'll never be accounted for something

I've never wanted to commit.

[clusterdstars]

You say you despise my mere sight

I march around the house and break the lights

I'm dreaming of drowning, such an astounding way to let me off of your heights

Exploring my sadness between you and madness

I have no choice left but you

You get me to stay, I'll respect the way you disobey all I knew

Please be so kind, I'm not your kind, I came here to get my mind defined

In the dark as I drown in my lightblue nightgown

I wonder how could I've been so blind

You call me insane I only feel shame

You play me, and find me an unholy name

I grasp for sweet air, you will never care

I wish to be held, to cry in pain

I want to waste this time on me

[clusterdstars]

Adagio

I want him to play on me his best melody

- a tune of a dance once as feared as cherished -

though I am no man to tell him

whom to take first.

"Take me, my lord" I plead

"and let these bones turn into xylophones,

each rib a key,

play me."

My bones are sold, precious instruments carved of collagen,

what is left to get rid of?

Give the shopkeeper all the fat:

- wash those who are supposed to be immaculata

mourn the bloodstains back to purity

clean the robe of cigarette and guilt,

lonely nights spent at a hotel room

wondering between two smokes

if this is the right time to mark the concrete.

"Take me my Lord" I plead

and let the shopkeeper turn my shame to soap,

clarity for the broken,

clean sheets for the dead.

Traded bones and traded wealth,

give away my skin and flesh.

A butcher from downtown comes for the chunks

- nails, teeth, and hair shaved for the grieving non-believers

to prove I really did fall apart;

everything else is for the dogs.

My deepest desire is feeling their saliva and my blood colliding.

We are having a feast.

I of being gobbled up alive

- they of me.

I must taste like acid.

"Take me, my Lord" I plead

and let the stray have their last meal

before Rescue saves them

from having a life.

My body is sold. All I have left

is You,

and the music you play on your ribs.

Play your jeremiads for a while,

my Lord,

for this is my wish you ought to grant.

Play them.

I wither as my remains are put in a box

taken by someone I never knew

and lowered to the ground.

No one came and thousands showed up.

Finally

I am let down once again,

for all.

No one owes me as I owe no one.

Only the music plays,

Adagio, adagio - ever so slow

and the bones fall silent

when I hit the ground.