Chealsea, 32

TA💙💍

[cmctra]

Happy birthday T.

Thank you for always being a bright spot in my darkest days. Having your music and creativity to look to time and time again is something I will never take for granted. I hope your day was filled with all the laughter and love you can handle ❤️💙💜

@taylorswift

[votedmostlikelytorun]

who’s up because they believe we’re getting a single tonight? 🙋🏽‍♀️

[cmctra]

Did my swiftie brain know better than to buy the first pre-order release because @taylorswift would put out 700 more special copies? Yes it did, but did I do it anyway? Also yes. 😑

[cmctra]

I really miss @taylorswift being active on here, but do you guys know what I miss the most?

The community.

I don't know where everyone went, but I miss them so much.

I know that Taylor was the glue that held us together on here, and now that she's gone, its not quite the same but I miss all the long nights we spent on here.

I miss the POC selfie nights and the LGBTQ selfie nights.

I miss the reblogs of Taylor dressed like paddington bear.

I miss the spicy confessions nights.

I miss figuring out who was at a secret session because they hadn't been on Tumblr for hours.

I miss aggressively refreshing my newsfeed on release nights.

I miss giving away merch and finding ways to send international swifties stuff.

I hope one day it all comes back :(

[cmctra]

@taylorswift anytime you wanna come back…

[cmctra]

it's all grey anyway

I used to think that I had everything figured out, I knew exactly who I was and what I was about. I was a good person, a nice person, loyal, kind, and helpful to everyone. I saw the world in black and white. There where good people like me, and there where evil people. People like my stepfather, people like Meeka’s parents, people that didn’t deserve to be around people like me, the nice people. 

         I think I defined myself as that, a nice person, a good person, and whenever something didn’t go my way, or something bad happened, or I did something I shouldn’t have I learned to blame it on the bad people. If they didn’t exist, then me, a nice person wouldn’t have done those things. I decided all the bad parts of myself came from the bad people, everything was their fault. If everything is someone else’s fault, then I can still be a nice person, I can still be the white half of the ying yang. 

         It took until this year, these last few significant moments in my life for me to understand that I am not white and I am not black like in convinced myself so many months ago, but instead I am grey. As grey as all the people I blamed for all the wrong doings in my life, I have spoken just as many lies as all the people who have hurt me did. I am no better than anyone else, I deserve no better than anyone else. 

         I wish that I could write them all down, I wish that I could remember all the things that aren’t true. All the stories I have told myself, all the things I have believed on my own so that I could feel better about myself. So many things that eat away at me to this day that I have shoved down so deep into a box. 

         My box is overflowing, and I don’t think that I can stuff anymore things in there without them all bubbling up and spewing out of my mouth. Leaving a trail of toxic waste in my wake. I don’t know if anyone will every really know me. I don’t know if anyone will ever know the truth about every single part of me. The truth will set you free, but at what cost?

[cmctra]

I don’t deserve this woman. After everything I’ve done, she deserves a world I’ve never given her and a world I fear I never will. I hope one day I’m good enough ❤️

[cmctra]

I really miss @taylorswift being active on here, but do you guys know what I miss the most?

The community.

I don't know where everyone went, but I miss them so much.

I know that Taylor was the glue that held us together on here, and now that she's gone, its not quite the same but I miss all the long nights we spent on here.

I miss the POC selfie nights and the LGBTQ selfie nights.

I miss the reblogs of Taylor dressed like paddington bear.

I miss the spicy confessions nights.

I miss figuring out who was at a secret session because they hadn't been on Tumblr for hours.

I miss aggressively refreshing my newsfeed on release nights.

I miss giving away merch and finding ways to send international swifties stuff.

I hope one day it all comes back :(

[cmctra]

Broken Mosaics

When you shatter things, they don’t go back together the way they used to. The cracks and edges are misshaped. They can lock and slide back into place, held together by glue, sheer force, or the will to look whole again. From far away they may look good as new, but up close, if you look the right way you can see where it broke apart. You can see where the scars run deep inside its belly. You can see that just because it resembles something you’ve always had; it doesn’t mean by breaking and putting it back together you haven’t changed everything.

When the note fluttered to the floor from the book you picked up, my guts twisted inside of me. “Don’t forget to smile xoxo” a reminder. We glued it back together, but it’s still broken. A reminder, I let someone else in. Even so, you let me back in, you said one more time, one more chance. One more day to get it right.

When we said for “better or worse” I stuck around for the better and high tailed it as soon as the worst crept in. Cowardly I let someone convince me that worst meant I should run, that the worst meant that I deserved better. Better than you, better than a life we built. But who am I to let another person decide what my better was? Who am I to let someone decide that there was better than the last thirteen years? Who was I to decide that there was better than you? There could never be a better than you.

I find myself clawing at the inside of my skin, oh how I hate my skin. Nights spent wishing I could erase the parts of me that are tainted and used now. Pieces of me that are no good. I want to rid the parts of me I didn’t keep only for you like I promised. I want to rid my heart of my memories and the lies. I want to erase them like they never existed in the first place, but I can’t. I can’t take back the parts of me that gave up on the parts of you.

I shattered us. I shattered all the beautiful pieces, that made up a life. I picked it up lifted it above my head and threw it on the ground. I watched the pieces fly and scatter, watched them become scraped and bruised. I ruined them all, and I changed them all, and I made them into something different, something worse.

I have sat amongst those pieces now, full of regret, willing them to fit. I have glued the edges tirelessly, shaved pieces off that I didn’t think belonged anymore and created something new. A misshapen resemblance of a life. A misshapen resemblance of our life. Will it ever be the same?

Will you ever love me that way that you did before? Will you ever love the person I am now? Will you ever forgive my soul from wandering so far from yours it became unrecognizable? Will our love be enough to mold the broken edges back together? Will our love ever be enough to fade the scars to black, hard to see unless this life of ours is glittered out in the sun?

If the sun bleeds through the cracks, will it beautiful when we come out on the other side? Will we look back on a life changed and see the sun coming through and find the beauty in it? Will we look back and see a mosaic of the story of our love?

[cmctra]

My heart is hurting today

[primulaceas]

Amal El-Mohtar and Max Gladstone, This Is How You Lose the Time War

[cmctra]

Sharp pen. Thin Skin. Open heart.

[cmctra]

Still waiting for someone to trade me a dazzling haze hoodie for my kidney.

[cmctra]

Okay it’s like 5 pm on a Saturday so the only thing left to do is listen to all the sad Taylor songs in my car with the windows down. ✌️

[cmctra]

Why am I watching Miss American again every-time I do my blood pressure gets high 😞

I hate that my favorite person in the world has been so miserable. She deserves so much more.

[cmctra]

I’m mama swift telling @taylorswift she’s so proud of her for turning the shitbag she was given into Reputation 😭

Will I ever NOT CRY watching this 🙄

[cmctra]

Tree : ONE; the president could come after you.

Taylor : Yeah fuck that I don’t care

Big dick energy.

[cmctra]

Why am I watching Miss American again every-time I do my blood pressure gets high 😞

I hate that my favorite person in the world has been so miserable. She deserves so much more.

[cmctra]

I’m mama swift telling @taylorswift she’s so proud of her for turning the shitbag she was given into Reputation 😭

Will I ever NOT CRY watching this 🙄

[inoor]

I come on tumblr to talk to myself publicly

[alltoowell-taylorsversion]

Why is it “if I bleed you’ll be the last to know??”

[cmctra]

When he breaks her heart she’ll never admit it hurts. That’s the whole point of the song isn’t it? That it’s “just a game” it doesn’t REALLY matter. It’s just a “fling” when in reality she was in love but she’d never let them know it 😉