Cmfrt_CrnrLADY

Producer/Poet/Writer

[cmfrt-crnrlady]

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my facebooks for CCL

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https://www.facebook.com/cmfrtcrnrladymusic

[cmfrt-crnrlady]

oo

at the gripping hands of sickness, i thought i would not become ill this winter. my sinuses are blocked and i can not properly taste food. medicine.. i have lost count of how many pills. liquids. i find that warmth is the key. and probably laughter. a good joke will ease any kind of pain. so long as it has been timed perfectly. timing is everything apparently.

[cmfrt-crnrlady]

just me..

[cmfrt-crnrlady]

Undeniably talented.. today I woke up and realized it is the last day of my annual leave before returning to work. I took some time off to try to relax and calm my heart. It did not work as I am still currently extremely stressed. For the last several weeks I have had an incurable sense of anxiety within my stomach. I think the winter depression is slowly taking hold of my excitement for life. It has always been difficult for me to keep a balanced manner. At the beginning of this year I set out a few goals to achieve by the mid year point, to which I havnt met just yet. Its giving me huge amounts of unrest, and I am struggling to focus my mind on anything else. Maybe returning to a structured routine will help me to refocus my energies into a balanced rhythm. I need time to think..

[cmfrt-crnrlady]

like none other.. appreciate the strength declared <3

[cmfrt-crnrlady]

continued.. On my departure

Living in a large city like Melbourne has both pros and cons. I enjoy a feeling of anonymity. A quality one can only experience passing through exile. It is only from THAT point. However it has taken some time to get here. I once was a part of an entangled social development where privacy meant seclusion, and a lack of engagement alluded social impurities or inequalities. Ill be honest I probably missed out on a few lessons of humiliation because I was never comfortable with allowing my school friends into my private family affairs, the things I was ashamed of. My history. My culture. My name.. And from this reproach I have concluded to an outlook that drives me to sympathize with any and all things even scarcely reminiscent of an absent identity. But growing up as a teenager in East Auckland, your home, is a vast abyss of difference to spending your 20s in another city, another country.. The unknown.. And comparing the two is probably pointless except for the opportunity to observe growth and change. Living in Auckland is kind of like that TV show coronation street, or any other day time soap opera. A lot of the story is predictable, because it is still a young nation at heart. But with just enough lively characters to keep you tuned in for at least a few episodes more, just to see how things roll out. Do not get me wrong its a wonderful place to be socially active, but personally I could no longer grow there. I needed space, I needed a place of reference, to gain bearings.

It has become some what of a luxury to live socially un-audited in a time so heavily regarded for its swift and cunning opinions, much like my own, lol. Maybe my observation is better articulated as a perspective of the social pressures one experiences attempting "social maintenance". As a young adult with very low self esteem, I was very slow to understand the power of self promotion. And slow to receive and comprehend the impact it has had shaping the forefront of modern social systems. None the less, I like many others have eventuated towards a digital account of the self.

Moving away from all the invisible social ques I missed as a teenager has allowed me to develop a conscious and active awareness of myself and how I interact with people or anything for that matter. Im confident in which I have grown, and I have learnt a lot of things transparently interesting about myself, and what all this information means to me.

It is not all glamour though.. I have experienced many days, weeks if Im being honest - in a spinning haze unsure of what I was doing in such a lonesome city. It took me nearly 3 years to build a solid foundation of friendships. And many months in different cities ascertaining disappointments of social community.3 years and only now am I comfortable enough to extend vulnerability. But, I believe the lesson learnt is paramount to my continued campaign into social self-consciousness. I have needed family and friends to function on a human level..

I guess I will always be a little confused about certain social constructs and why certain things are the way they are - believe me this is all open for discussion if someone should be able to shed any light on where I may have gone wrong. But to this day I feel I have yet to make a decision which I have later regretted since my departure. I assume I am still infatuated with discovering things about myself which remind me, its ok to be me, to be the person who I am, you have come this far, and its ok to keep going. So I will.

[cmfrt-crnrlady]

Loneliness, but it's casual

[cmfrt-crnrlady]

Jai Paul - Flip Out (longest version + download link)

...to my knowledge at least. Contains the "real heads only" sample, seems to be somewhat better mastered than the other versions out there and has a proper e...

One of my favourite producers atm! <3

[cmfrt-crnrlady]

Never look ahead

[cmfrt-crnrlady]

Continued..

A subject that often comes up in conversation with some of my friends are the differences of cultural conditioning of a child brought up in a suburban middle class lifestyle in NZ compared to Aus.

The one difference I find the most alarming is the lack of cultural identity and presence of the native aboriginal peoples of this land portrayed through Australia’s media. Given it’s known power of influence, I feel oppressed as an citizen of the Earth and as a cultural consumer to understand there are no aboriginal/native iconography for younger generations to identify with and relate with.

As a young Maori raised in traditional Christian Maori schooling (although today I am a non-Christian spiritual being not defined by any label) I looked up to Maori role models from time to time as it has clearly helped shape how I feel about what my identity represents to me and the world that surrounds. People like Pio or even Mike McRoerts lol. Simple things like, seeing Maori or Polynesian actors/actresses tv presenters. For 2 years I watched one of Australia’s most popular tv stations called 7. During this time, I didn’t see one representation of ethnic or cultural identity through the media, (except for the obvious times it would look bad on international broadcast, yes we appreciate our culture when the Queen shows up) but not one dark skinned actor or actress not one tv presenter.. Not one contestant, not even in studio audiences.

I had a troubled youth so I find this really disheartening because I was once ashamed of my cultural heritage when I was young, because as a child all I could see were apparent demerits towards my culture and it took me a very long time to get over this and be proud of who I am and where I come from. And during the times when there is it not enough affirmation around you, a glaring influence is all it can take to centralise the way you feel about something so critical.. Sometimes the context of a perspective needs to be so arbitrary in order to be understood or even experienced.

Although I hardly watch tv anymore, the small amounts of time wasted have yet to consist of anything remotely similar to the cultural bearings NZ media has to offer it’s people. I think NZ is more open and expressive and generous with it’s cultural identity and how it shares this with the world. In all honesty I can only speak for myself though. As a people I can only assume Australians are just as gentle and humble as Kiwis, but as a nation Aus seriously needs to step their game up and open their arms to a culture which is slowly being forgotten about. There is a cultural void capable of immersing a lost soul. And this void will further embellish if there is going to be a continued generation of insufficient social and cultural reinforcement.

TBC.

[cmfrt-crnrlady]

my story

Living abroad has been my biggest learning experience. It seems everyday I gather something new about what it means to be from New Zealand in this day an age. 4 years ago I had a pretty bad break up with a girl who’s name will remain annon. Although I have never really got over how badly she dogged me those short years ago, I still attribute to her how it is I made the best decision of my life. So I left Auckland. In a rush too! Sold aaaaaall my shit (mainly stuff my dad and the government had bought me over the years) Laptop mobile stereo and other non perishables. Scraped together enough money for a one way ticket out of NZ and that's what I did. I got out.

Go west. Kerouac..

But first I smoked a heeeell of a lot of weed. I guess I was angsty about all of the unknowns which lurked beyond the online plane ticket purchase. Also, you’ve got to say goodbye to all your old friends. Or at least the ones who matter. But regardless It was right on time for my annual dose of change. Something which has actualized into becoming a huge part of my mantra and philosophy to living a life that does not stop when you hit a brick wall.

I’m a huge believer of independence and generosity. And that’s probably my most romantic reasoning as to how I ended up living pay check to pay check immersed in a country of people that do not understand me and vice versa. But I am also addicted to "the struggle". Because no life can be easy. Nor should it. It is a constant battle. Conceived into predetermination. And hard work has always spoken volumes to people with an ability to comprehend it. So how come nobody seems to understand that experiencing life is the key to acknowledging death?

I understand we are all different in our walks of life. But being happy is a condition endured by the distaste of that black hole inside which screams I AM NOT HAPPY! and THIS IS NOT WHERE I WANT TO BE! But it’s swallowed down because people are afraid of being outstanding. Not me though. The day I realized the things I wanted in life were not mirrored by those around me, was the day I realized I would leave that place. It was the first day that I acknowledged change. And I chose to embrace it.

TBC.