comfort levels

Searching for third cultured kids who are constantly moving outside their birth country, looking for their comfort spot in this world. 

[cmfrtlvls]

Elizabeth Melsom Okamoto

Basic Background 

1996 Born in England and raised in Australia Mixed parentage Japanese Australian.

I just finished university, I decided to take a gap year to travel a bit before I started work. The main place I wanted to visit was Japan. The reason why I chose Japan is mainly because I wanted to improve my language skills. Which I actually have not done very much of, at all, but it’s been very rewarding in other ways.　

Knowing that everyone has a different upbringing, how is it like growing up in Australia being half and half?

For me it has never really an important part of my identity, being Japanese. Like maybe in primary school, every now and then people pointed out that I was Asian, but I definitely never felt Asian. Melbourne is such a multi cultural city and so by High School, a lot of my friends were Asian Australians. 

It was never a big deal. I never really felt all that Japanese. 

When I was younger, my Australian dad was mainly bringing us up, my Japanese mom worked really long hours and because of that I pretty much got only an Australian influence in my life. We didn’t really eat Japanese food, obviously I never learnt Japanese, or partake in any Japanese traditions, or anything like that. I was very much an Australian child.

I’m not too sure why it was like that, if she [my mum] made the decision to bring us up like that. She has said to me before that she made the decision to not teach us Japanese because she thought it might hold us back from some future opportunities in Australia if we become too Japanese. But she only told me that recently, so I don’t know if she is trying to justify her decision now, to a certain extent. I know that she wanted me to have as many opportunities as possible as an Australian. For me, now, it is a little bit disappointing that I was never exposed to my cultural identity when I was younger. 

How do you feel now that you are finally in Japan? 

It’s been more rewarding than I thought it would be. I never thought it would make me think differently about who I was, or anything like that. I understand my mum a lot more and her mannerisms, her character, because I see so much of that in the Japanese people I know here. 

It’s been eye opening in that sense. I do feel comfortable here, more than I thought it would. Obviously I am still an outsider, Japanese people don’t see me as a Japanese in any way, and I don’t either.  Despite that I still feel like I belong here in a way, as cheesy as it sounds. 

Do you feel a sense of belonging in Japan and Australia, both ways?  Did you have a “I don’t belong here!” moment anywhere?

I’m not patriotic about Australia at all. I don’t resent Australia, but I’m not proud to be Australian for a lot of historical reasons I am not going to go into. I never thought I didn’t belong in that country, but it was just never an important part of who I am. 

Never felt conflicted about nationality? 

Not really, no, it was never really an important part of my identity. I’ve always wanted to travel and live overseas. My nationality has never really played a part of my life. I don’t feel sentimental towards Australia.  

I’m not confused, I’m not in a conflict with myself. Rather I am figuring out how I feel about everything, living in Japan, and it’s not the easiest thing to put into words yet. 

Does this conversation make you feel…? haha

I am open to talk about these things, I just don’t know if I am clear headed in how I feel about all of it. So I am working through how I feel about being Australian, Japanese. If you asked these same questions 6 months ago I would have said “nah I am Australian. I don’t see myself as Japanese at all.” 

I don’t feel like I’m fighting, but I’m learning. I have never felt the need to take any action about being Japanese in my life. I didn’t have to make any decisions based on my ethnicity or anything like that.

Now that I have been here for a while and I have seen myself, not necessarily more Japanese, but I do understand that part of myself a bit more. It’s still a work in progress.

Is there “what if’s?”

Yeah! I would love to live in Japan, but because of the language barrier, I don’t think I’ll ever be accepted as Japanese. I’m sure you can empathize with that [Chiharu]. I’ll always be something of an expat living in Japan. Unless I could nail the language I think that’s all I’ll ever be. I’ll stand out regardless. I won’t be able to conform that easily in a Japanese society. Having said that I would love to come back to Japan to live here, if the opportunities arise. 

What are the perks of living in Japan?

It’s just nice to be in a country that is so different from what I have been brought up in, and yet I feel really comfortable. Almost the sense of it’s okay, I don’t want to say entitlement, to be who I am [being half Japanese], but I know I wouldn’t feel as confident living overseas by myself if it wasn’t in Japan. It’s so different, but it’s comfortable, it’s easy, it makes sense. 

Any positive or negative side to living in Australia?

I am super lucky to live in Australia, I have had a privileged upbringing. Mostly it’s been really positive. But obviously Australia is isolated from the rest of the world, I don’t love that aspect of it. Australia is a massive country but also an island, it’s not part of Asia, not part of Europe or America, it’s kind of its own continent in Oceania. Because of that, you have to make an effort to learn about the world. You need to read about it or watch a documentary in order to educate yourself, or you don’t really learn that much about the world otherwise. I’ve always been curious about traveling and the other countries, so that has been a draw back in Australia. 

You mention that where you are from is very multicultural. Would you say that Japan is multicultural as well?

Melbourne is very multicultural, and some of the other major cities in Australia are multicultural as well. I wouldn't say that’s true of the whole of Victoria, but my experience is that Australia is very multicultural because Melbourne is where I have always lived. Japan, I don’t think is as multicultural. If you are a foreigner, you get stared at, so you might start to feel like there may not be as many foreigners here. Even though I’m half Japanese, I look more caucasian than Asian, and so I get stared at like a foreigner. 

Do you think you would stand out in other parts of the world? 

I have done a bit of travelling around Asia, but I haven’t really been to that many other western countries in Europe or America, so I don’t really know yet. My impression is that I wouldn’t stand out as much, but I might be naive. 

Do you see yourself staying in Japan long term?

No plans yet. It’s hard, my career has set me in Australia for the near future, but I don’t want that to be my forever. I would like to live overseas. I‘d like to live in Japan because I see it as something doable for me with my citizenship here. But I think I would be happy to live in any other country as well. I definitely don’t want to live in Australia my whole life. 

Do you think you think you can define home right now?

Home is Melbourne because that’s where my family, my partner, my friends are, and my whole life. At the same time I don’t feel that attached to Australia. I’m also really happy when I’m overseas, I can see myself building something I guess, even if it seems ambitious now. I could make it home.  This is the first time I have lived overseas, so I can’t really say for sure, but that’s the feeling I get. 

What is your plan after Japan?

Well, yeah. I have to go back and work in 8 months’ time in corporate law as a graduate. This is the first time I will work in this industry, seriously, full time. So for a year and a half I’ll be stuck (no i shouldn’t say that *laughs*) I will be stationed in Melbourne.  After that I’m hoping that I can move to another location so I will be grabbing whatever opportunity I can take. But no concrete plans yet, I definitely need to have a lot of discussions with people when I get home.  

[cmfrtlvls]

Brian Alexander Dahlems

1993 Born in Germany, left to Singapore at 13 Outgrowing Germany

I was born in one culture, the German culture. And when I came to Singapore I basically just finished my childhood. I wasn’t so attached to school, my friends. I was just getting aware of like “ah this is the place I live at!” That’s the time when we moved to Singapore. It was a crucial time.

13 in 2006 it is exactly the right time to move.

Was not so attached to anything, was just getting aware of others, places and people. It was the time I was figuring out "Who am I”

I wasn’t really happy in Germany and so I was really happy to come to Singapore to see something new. That’s when I got to know the international culture in Singapore which I find is completely different to the Singaporean culture itself.

Do you like Singaporean culture?

I grew up in this international environment in my school. With these kids but not many Singaporeans. Beside that, in where I stayed in Bukit Timah, I got to know some people around the neighbourhood and got to know the real Singapore as well. I got to meet the people who goes to Hawker for breakfast!

For the international culture it is always entered around the city district, the tourist areas. We are always in Sentosa and East coast, I doubt any of my classmates has seen Woodlands area nor Boon Lay or Choa Chu Kang area because there is nothing for them to see there. That’s the other part of Singapore which I appreciate, next to the whole touristy side.

Do you feel like you fit into the Singaporean culture more or the International/German culture? Generally the Asian people would look up to white people, as a upper class or a gem...

When I’m in the Singaporean Culture itself I’m quickly perceived as I come from the international culture in Singapore. Which is good because I want to be associated to “Ahh he is coming from the German culture” “Oh he is just a tourist” I don’t want to be seen as, I rather be seen as “Oh yeah he lives in Singapore even though in a different social group.” I would rather have that because I feel more at home at that, even though I am not quickly accepted in that actual Singaporean culture. That takes a little bit longer, more time to get used to an Ang Moh.

When he first came to Singapore in 2006, they are still new to accepting foreign people.

Now everyone is from everywhere.

I realised a couple of days ago when I’m staying in a HDB with a friend, people who were at the hawker they were looking, as if I took the wrong bus or something, or "why is he here?!” Now after a couple of days they realised that I must be staying somewhere nearby, like it’s nothing special anymore. They just get used to you after 2-3days.

How do you feel when people look into your Nationality?

I wouldn’t be embarrassed. I’m annoyed if someone looks at me and thinks “Ah! German!”

Because that annoys me a lot, even in Germany! I only lived in Germany until I was 13. I’m almost twice that age now. I was not defined as a proper German since I left the country at 13.

By now half my life, I’m annoyed by Germany. That’s why I’m so happy about my parents wanting to go overseas because they have always wanted to live abroad, especially my dad.

That’s why my parents gave me my double name as well. My full name is Brian Alexander Dahlems. Which is one English one German. If I ever decide “Oh I want to be German” I could just be Alexander and I could fit into the German community.

Alexander (pronounced “ Ah-Lex-Xan-Der” ) is a very common name in Germany. It is nothing special, where else “Brian”? Even in Germany people would regularly ask me “Oh are you British? Or American? Or half something”  That’s when I can always tell them “Ah, I am from Germany but not really from Germany. It is complicated.” It is always a very good ice breaker in a conversation. So when people asked “Ah where are you from? America or something” I would say “No I come from Germany but I just came from this small city” “Ah, but you never lived overseas” “Ah, actually I lived in Singapore for 7 years but that has nothing got to do with my name.” And thats how the conversation always starts.

“Dahlems” is also very german, I would rather drop that too. My ultimate goal is when they get introduced to me, I don’t want them to have any stereotypical ideas about me. Even with the name “Brian” I can be seen as American, British, just want to be a well rounded international person. I don’t like people connecting me to some stereotype.

What’s a stereotype about German people that you can think of?

I think the stereotype about Germany is that logical, on time, I follow the rules (“I stop at the red light!” Even when there are no cars around) Germany put rules in place so that they don’t have to think. That makes life easier for them, sometimes it’s good but it keeps them from changing to improve themselves. Which is really stupid, that’s why I also decided in my studies I don’t want to go into car industry for example. Because every mechanic engineer wants to go into the car industry. The car industry in Germany you have no more creativity, you have no more problems to solve with creativity. I want to be able to say “Ah I can find another solution to solve this problem.” Everything has rules now, by the books, to be regulated, etc. I find this absolutely annoying.

I also heard another stereotypes that Germans have which are not true at all. Not all Germans drink beer all the time and eat sausage all day.

Especially the punctuality thing, I have not seen it. I’m punctual but I have never met a German that is punctual. It could be a character trait that someone would have, but that’s not the stereotype.

There is a term called “Verplant” (Pronounced “Fla-Plan”) They make too many plans so they get mixed up with their schedule. They will say yes to making plans, will confirm, and then half an hour before the scheduled plan they will cancel because they have made a different plan. And they didn’t know, they forgot about it.

A lot of times I can see that a lot of people are “Verplant” and on the other side people are always looking for an upgrade. They would say that they would want to come along, but as soon as they find something that fits them better they don’t mind cancelling on you. They don’t stay true to their words. So that’s Germans to you.

What’s your current advantage right now?

No one in Singapore ever expects me to fit in. Because people say “Brian he does stuff differently because he learns differently.” I realised I don’t need to fit into a group. I’m fine being the odd one out. That helped me in Singapore because here it can be seen as something positive. Being the odd one out.

In Germany it is very negative. Singapore helped me to build this confidence in myself.

I was a different person in Germany, I was not confident at all, although I was individualistic. My parents raised me to be myself first, that gave me a lot of problems in Germany because I could not fit into any group. I got picked on, bullied, I had no friends in Germany.

They mock me, they would have inside jokes that I can’t be a part of because most of the kids have playstation, computer games, they always stayed in play computer games sometimes together. I was the kid where as soon as the suns comes up, I’m outside, cycling or some outdoors activity. I never joined in with them of course and therefore there isn’t much connection with the kids.

All of a sudden when I came here within half a year, I was the coolest kid because I was the odd one out, which I never thought it would happen! It’s not like I am the cool kid instead of everyone else, everyone in my class was different. So we all had something to share to learn from each other.

What if’s possibilities.

If I would have known that if I have to go back to Germany for my education, I would have done the same school system. I wouldn’t have gone into the International school system that I did. I had a chance in 7th grade to go to the international school system or to stay in the German system. If I would have known then that I would go back to Germany to go study at a university I would have stayed in the German system. Because I would have learn everything in German I wouldn’t have had to improve my German once I come back. I had a bit of struggle, luckily my course is very heavy on mathematics. Still, I realise that the German that I studied coming back from Singapore was all based on poetries and literatures. It wasn’t focused on the daily communication like going to the supermarket, getting food, I lost all of that in 7 years because I never practiced. I would have practice this kind of conversational German if I would have stayed in the German system too.

I only had 3 German classmates out of all 60 of our age range. Everyone spoke something different. My dad was the administration manager of the German International School, that’s why I could go into that school.

Where do you feel most at home?

I know that I definitely don’t belong in the German culture and I’m not a true part of the Singaporean culture. I feel most at home just being in the International culture. Like being in New York example it’s very big and vast. So I would feel at home almost anywhere as long it’s like a bigger city with an international surrounding. It’s good because I am not planning to settle down yet. I have a chance to go out in the world and find my culture that are different.

What is your plan for the next 5 years?

Third culture kids plan differently. We plan with the entire world within you.

In 5 years I want to stay in Singapore for 5 years and I want to be in another country that I have chosen as I want to speak one more language. It’s really in no connection to what Germans would say or a Singaporean would say, rig

Why do you not want to live where you are right now?

Because people here have their certain way of life, you go to kindergarten, school, high school, then you go uni, get apprenticeship, get a girlfriend, you get married, get a house, you have a job, you work in that, and then you finish. For the people who are living here and want to live here seem so straight forward. Since I throw something odd in these mix, it’s like “Hey! Lets have a multi cultural relationship of multi cultural people with each one of us living in completely different parts of the world, and we also want to leave the country and speak 2 languages as mother tongue which puts more things into my head. There’s so many more open doors." So I am afraid of closing the right ones, and closing the wrong ones.

I thought by the time I am 26 I would have left Germany. For GOOD. And that I will be starting for my further education. I have made a good start but it seems small in comparison to what I intended I’m not comparing myself to others but I am setting my own standards.

[cmfrtlvls]

Jasmine G

Basic Background Jasmine, 1991

Born in Singapore, left to HongKong at 8.

Not even knowing the geography of the world.

Where do you prefer the most and why?

There are places I would rather not commit to. Singapore is still a part of my heart.

Only reason why I live in Toronto is because of school, my partner and 3 years visa in Canada.

I ended up staying in Toronto for 9 years.

The easier ones I could tell you is where I would rather not stay, because I have lived in 4 different countries in my lifetime. I have lived 5 years in Hong Kong and I would never want to live there again. Despite the face that I really like the city, however I don’t think I can’t work there, it’s too fast paced! The thought of spending another few more years there scares me because I live based on practicality.

In Singapore can reach out more to Asian writers and also english speaking.

Singapore has great variety of food, balance in nature and city. If I need a short getaway I can head out to nearby countries at a affordable price where else in Toronto going to Vancouver alone cost SGD 500 and it’s still in Canada. Everything else is very far away and it takes a lot of planning to leave Toronto.

I’m biologically build for this country, I have a family here, but I never got to go to schools in Singapore.

Perks of growing up that way

You grow up to be practical. There is no such thing as “a dream come true”

Every city has different challenges and problems. You will see all the issues of the locals 2 years later. To the point it doesn’t matter anymore which country you live in because they have different challenges to tackle. The less ideas you have the less disappointed you are.

How did you feel when you had to change cities?

It was not my choice to change countries. Especially when a 8 years old child does not even understand basic geography because where you live is all that you know. I don’t know how to think about it. Even showing a map to a child is something I cannot reconcile. Too young to feel any loss for Singapore. If my dad were to move out of the country alone, I would definitely feel the emotional impact. Instead the whole family moved together so it felt like we are embarking onto a new adventure.

Thats when I started writing. My friends in Singapore and I would exchange letters to each other. They would exchange newspaper clippings of things happening around Singapore. My favourite memory is when the Hello Kitty soft toy were a thing in Singapore. They broke another window when the Hello Kitty dolls were sold out. I eventually received a Hello Kitty doll from my friends. Even a Winnie the Pooh series! I would also send back letters to them, sharing with them how I saw snow for the first time  There’s a lot of continuity and a strong social bond between me and my friends. This is literally a physical Facebook!

On School

From age 0 till 17, I was in Singapore for my first 8 years. Then in China for 4 and a half years. Then Hong Kong for 5 years. My first 2-3 years in Hong Kong I was really shy, only got really comfortable at the last 2 years of being there. So I was in 3 different schools, in 3 different countries. Times are not correct, I switched schools in grade 3, then I switched schools in

grade 8.

School was a lot more difficult as school semester in China is different. They Start in September.

I’m never really chatty most of the time because I could not find my comfort spot. I only started being comfortable in the last 3 years. I was that awkward, nerdy and studious kid. I was made fun for being isolated by my “friends”. Usually I am more sensitive than I am now.

If we were to go back in time, I went to China when I was 8 in January. China’s school system usually start in September. Where else in Singapore you start in January and end in November. So by the time I moved the classes were already formed, I was squeezed into the middle of the school system. It was very awkward and weird, what makes it weirder was that I was the youngest in the class, as I am a December baby.

I was a very studious, awkward and nerdy kid. I got bullied a lot, all the years I was in school. To some of my classmates or friends, they would say that I never seemed to get bullied. But in my experience I always felt like I am very isolated from “my friends”. Many of them are not very kind, they have very strong personalities. I was a lot more sensitive compared to most of the kids over there. In percentage it would be 50% by 100%.

So I moved from China to Hong Kong at grade 8. At grade 7 when I learned that we had to move to Hong Kong, I was so pissed at my Dad. Because at that point I felt like I finally made some real friends in China. So I was already comfortable with the environment. I was not a minority in China as there are actually a lot of Singaporeans living there as well.

Explaining why I am such an awkward kid is that in China we have a class where we have to do short plays as part of the learning experience, like recreating the scene of “Mulan”. Everyone had to participate, get into groups, make costumes and write a script. They encourage this interactive style of learning. I was really really bad at this, I’m so shy! This shyness persisted all the way to University. International school system are mostly very flexible, so the teachers come out with more creative ways to teach and have fun with the class. If you see me in this situation you would see this as the prime example to my awkwardness. In kindergarten and primary school, I learn at the desk I was not encouraged to do things that are active. All these turn of events has made me self conscious.  

The funny thing that I went through when I keep switching schools is that I missed sex education classes. The school that I go to in China, they did sex education classes in grade 8. In the schools in Hong Kong was grade 7. So I totally missed it. By the time I moved there were already done. So I never learn this in the classroom with other people. I didn’t even realise that I missed the class, my classmates will just be like “ Oh hahaha you did not go for the sex ed class” And I only thought about it when school ended. But it didn’t affect me at all because there is so many ways to learn it, my parents would talk to me about it. I’m not sure if they did that on purpose, but I think they anticipated that I would miss the class.

In international schools it’s just not you who leave. Your friends leave too. Everyone leaves all the time. The class arrangement is always different every year. At least someone who is absent and some who are new. That has always been the way since I started moving. When I took my graduation photos in grade 12, we started a thing where those people who are in grade 1 would take one, those people in grade 2 take one, so we take from grade 1 all the way to grade 12. You will see a sequence of 12 photos, will almost different people. I was only in from grade 7 to grade 12. It’s quite unique in the way we take our graduation photo and we became so used to seeing people come and go.

Did you ever thought “What if my parents did not move out of the country?”

A lot of times! My school experiences was relatively quite a common experience.

What I think not many would experience is that I move around 4 different countries 14 times. Because of the nature of my Dad’s work, we constantly looking for houses to move into so that the rent would stay within the budget that was given to my Dad. The places we moved around are all expensive estates. Since we shift every 2 years, I have become very skilled in packing and unpacking. Our whole family become skilled house movers. We pack almost everything in a box, even the furnitures are being packed.

On moving around the world

A lot of people think we have very little things but in actual fact we really hold on to the little things that allow us to keep things closest to us. We are always in a new room every 2 years. If not all the places we are in will not feel like a home.  

The first thing I always do is unpack all posters and hang them up. Then some stuff that people has given to me all over the years from school.

Every time whenever we prepare to move, my parents would take out the boxes that belongs to me and just say, "Whatever you can clear, please clear.” They don’t care anymore. This is the only way I have known to do all these stuff. My feelings has become very numb. It is how it is.

The packing thing is really substantial until I got my own apartment in Toronto in 2011 and I live in that apartment ever since. When I moved out of it after 3 years of living there, it is the first time I cried because it was my first time living somewhere for so long. I felt so much compared to any other houses that I moved all over the years.

Even though I don’t remember so much, I was in Jurong until I was 6. And then we moved to Bukit Panjang when I was 7-8. I only lived in that house for 2 years. Currently the home in Bukit Panjang is being rented out. We don’t have anything that belongs to us in that house now. My parents are also very attached to that place.

Ever since I left to Hong Kong, I only slept on mattresses in my own house. I don’t have a bed anymore, a proper room for 3 months. Even if that is my own home, there is no space that I can say it’s mine.

Things get left behind, lost or broken. That’s why we eventually got detached to our things years later. The first couple of times I cried when these things happen. After a while it is like “Will I live after that?”

I don’t get homesick anymore, but I when I do I never been so far away from Asia. It’s very different, when you move around Asia to moving all the way to North America. It’s completely two different continents. The way you speak, the music you listen to, the kind of art you like will all be different. When you think of all of that, how do you think of having a conversation with another person? Those are the simplest things to socialise with people, like “What do you like to eat?” “Where do you like to go?”

I didn’t really feel completely unhappy moving around so much. It created a certain type of attitude towards moving around. As long as my family is always together as we move, it was always helpful for me to cope.

How to you feel when people see you differently?

When people ask me where I am from, where your parents at, it’s such a complicated question.

A lot of people do ask me if I’m Canadian, I will usually say “Not yet” or just “No”

As I get older the less emotional I feel about these questions. It is part of a detachment.

And no I never plan to change my nationality, I’m never really defined by it. Being Singaporean has it’s convenience and perks. I want to keep the tie to south east Asia than being Canadian.

A lot of international students in Canada, they only hang out with the other international kids because you really can’t blame them for that. People will naturally ask “Why are they not integrating?”

You are already hanging out in the new city, you have to do things like study. you want something to anchor you, so you will pick friends who will support you, understand you. When you say you are homesick for this specific smell. People who don’t know have no idea they cannot help you in the way. I find the lack of knowledge bit jarring.

People come to Canada to experience Canada but some people come to Canada because they are told their whole life that they need to study this way. There is many reasons why people go out of the country to study.

I am definitely more sympathetic when I see a big group of international students gather together. However I don’t really fit that pose because maybe they only have moved around once, mostly a lot lesser than me. I had one experience when we were in Toronto, my sister join this club called the Malaysian Singapore Students Association. It never occurred to me that I should join it because I thought, “Would I even get along with the Singaporeans or the Malaysians? I don’t have a matching culture either, neither the Canadian culture” I make a lot of friends who are english speaking cantonese people. Not cantonese cantonese people, because that’s a totally different culture. In the end all our friends would be scattered all over the countries, I had 8 friends from high school who I still keep in touch over Skype and they are all in different parts of the world.

This is something that happens to me a lot here. When people say a Singlish slang, they would ask “You understand or not?” If it was me 6 years ago I would say, “Why do you think I don’t understand?!” If I haven’t live here for like a few months doesn’t mean I don’t understand, my family is Singaporean. Now fast forward I am more honest about it, by just saying “YA” or “No, don’t know about it” The truth is I have a lot of gaps. Some people would ask me about how some Singlish slangs work and I would not be able to answer it. “I also don’t know!”

People both in Canada and Singapore find it fascinating how I can switch my accent so fast within a sentence. It’s not some party trick that I use for parties or for drunk people, whenever people say things like, “Oh you’re from Singapore LAH” or "Oh can you say something in Singlish?” I just tell them “NO, no is said the same way in every language. Does that sound Singlish to you?” I don’t need to perform like a monkey just because I switch accent quickly.

The more people don’t know. You’re tired and you’re angry and you wonder why people don’t understand. Most of the time in my case. they really don’t understand. When I was in school in Toronto a lot of people came from small towns in other parts of Canada. This roommate of mine from America, she had never had cooked vegetables before. The kind of vegetables she eat is frozen cube peas and carrot. The kind that is in your pies, it’s either that rubbery stuff or salad. I was actually shocked that someone has not tried blanched broccoli or the many gajillian ways you can cook vegetables, boiled or stir fried. I just decided “Come, let me bring you to a Chinese restaurant, LET ME SHOW YOU THE WORLD.” There are these fundamental feels that you cannot bridge the experience, because a lot of these people would think that “Wow your life sounds so colourful!" "It sounds like a Princess!” (Annoying I know) And people constantly praise for my good english. Ask why do I speak such good english, sometimes that is also a good way to talk about Singapore because it is a English speaking country. They are always shocked to learn that Singapore is a English speaking country because it has never occurred to them that there will be English speaking countries in Asia.

I always believe in giving inexperience people a first time grace. This is something I want to offer to people so that they can understand and open their worlds a little bit more. I understand how weird it is from parts of my own experience.

What is your plan for the next 5 years?

No concrete plans. Make money. Do things I like that I won’t be able to do when I’m older. making more reckless or inconsiderate career choices because right now i’m the only one affected. i guess a positive way of saying it is taking risks.

my plan for the next 5 years is to take lots of risks. :D

(ps: Did 2 versions because 1 did not have any resemblance of her then)

[cmfrtlvls]

W Tori

Basic Background

Tori, 1996

Born in China, left to Singapore at 7

For better health and school

Born in China, moved to Singapore at 7. 1 October 2003, China’s National Day! I betrayed my motherland and nationality. Haha!

On Health

I came here because I had health complications. I had a very weak respiratory system since birth. Seeing the doctor every month, taking medications every month in order to breathe, stay alive and not have a sinus. It’s not to the point I had to stay in the hospital although I was very close to that path. Doctor advised my parents, “It’s either you send your daughter out to New Zealand or Singapore. Or you let her stay here in China and get an asthma.”

Then environment in China is so bad even till today that it will give me an asthma.

Banana Girl

So my parents send me to Singapore, they don’t want me to forget my Chinese roots.

There’s this term called “Banana Girl” “Xiang Jiao Mei”. You see one color on the outside and you see another color on the inside. They don’t want me to look like a Chinese but only know how to speak english, if I moved to New Zealand.

My mother needed to find a career where she can thrive in, she became a Chinese teacher in a government based school. So Singapore was a good choice for the both of us.

I recovered within 2 months while I was in Singapore. Sinus became a occasional thing.

Initially my parents only wanted me to stay in Singapore for a year to recover, then go back to China. They realised later that I enjoyed school here so much. My mom was doing well here in her teaching career and so we stayed.

On Mental Health

I was depressed in China, I frequently got picked on, bullied a lot. My mother is the only one that knew about the bullying. I feel that I do not fit into China’s educational system where kids are very strong, persistent, perfectionist and excel in a lot of skills. I’m not that type of person, I needed guidance and assurance. Teachers in China were very tough on me. So I was bullied by both teachers and kids.

I’m slow at learning, I can’t absorbed things as fast as the other kids. On the contrary when I studied in Singapore,, I absorbed things really quickly and soon became one of the top students in class. I picked up english really quickly. My surroundings really helped me a lot. Yeas it was stressful in secondary school, polytechnic doing exams and what not, but all I see about China was clouds. If you want me to describe my 7 years in China, it is a land of gloomy, dark clouds.

My dad likes to wonder, “What if you continue to live in China?” Yeah sure! One fine day at home, front page news paper: “Kid jumps down school building, committed suicide.” I’m very sure the kid will be me because I was really, very depressed. The thought about waking up each day to go to school, I had no motivation to move day by day.

Where would you rather live?

Coming to Singapore was like sunny skies, rainbows and occasional ponies. Till today, I still want to be in Singapore. I have tried to stay in China for a month. I can’t get used to living there, unless I stay in the same estate as my dad and not travel around China, I can survive. But if you talk about asking me to drive, in that environment? I don’t think I can manage it that well. As you grow older you will realise how important family is and you have a better understanding of how you can never dump your roots so I appreciate my home in China a lot. I used to be so whiny whenever I needed to go to China, but right now I would want to stay in China as long as possible to spend more time with my family. My grandparents used to live with me, therefore my connection with them is very strong, the most important people in my life is my grandparents, my mom and dad. As long as I get to spend time with them I am fine. As I grew older, my cousins and aunts start to matter to me to a certain extend. It’s not something I can go “ Oh I can just come back twice a year and I’m fine with that.” I yearn to spend more time with them but it’s not my choice because I do have responsibilities and I can never get used to China. Since grandmother recently moved back, I have even more stronger attachment to China now than before.  My dad continued to live in China to deal with his business because he can’t pick up languages as fast as my mother could. My mom preferred Singapore because it is not as intense as it is in China. She gave up a pretty good position back in China, she could have been promoted to Vice Principal but she decided to come to Singapore, to start from ground zero, to be a Chinese Language Teacher. I’m very thankful and lucky that my mom is willing to do that for me. No one else could spot that I was sad in China besides her.

How to you feel when people see you differently?

I think in the 2000’s everyone in Singapore would find you cool because people don’t know a lot about China. Now it really depends what kind of person you want to portray yourself as. I’m generally quite nice to everyone and I sound very Singaporean already, I blend into the culture very well and they don’t seem to mind or notice even when I do reveal that I am not local.

Some people could tell that I am not local from the first look where else some can’t and they usually would be shocked to know that I’m not local. It’s really 50/50.

There are two different type of China kids. One is that they choose to blend in, like me. The other is like “I LOVE my country, I’m not gonna betray my country’s culture for this!” Some don’t have much choice as some would come to Singapore a bit later in their age.

In secondary school there were this group of China kids clique, they were quite annoying.

You can tell that they just don’t want to fit into Singapore. Since my friends know that I am the easy going nice China girl they would ask me “Tori what’s your opinion on these kids? Why are they so annoying but why are you so nice?” I’m pretty sure they have their own troubles.  

I’m quite malleable since I came to China at 7 anyways. I love China too but I don’t want to hold that pride so much that it makes people around uncomfortable.  It’s easier for people to process in the past, but now I feel a little more hesitant to tell people about my nationality. I’m afraid that they will judge me based on all the recent China tourist’s behaviours. It is quite scary to reveal your true blood without actually relating to China tourists. When I told my classmates, they would say “ok, cool.” But you can tell from their faces that they are judging you negatively and thats when you question wether you should be proud to say that. I love China, but I also love Singapore, besides I got a Singapore citizenship at 21!

Would you go back to China and live there forever?

It’s a very obvious choice between the two, I can see myself rooting in Singapore than in China. I wouldn’t go back to China out of the blue to stay there forever, that’s for sure. Unless the environment change that is! I have 50/50 memories in both China and Singapore. I have no friends in China, but I met a lot of friends in Singapore that lives in the same place as me in China. I don’t know if it’s me or it’s my dad who is trying to bridge me to my relatives, I am very close with my relatives now, especially my cousin. It’s like a low maintenance best friend relationship. Like we can be so close even though we see each other for twice a year. I’m not that China kid who move here and completely lost touch and gets awkward with the cousin.

I am family orientated in China but I do keep up with the current issues of China via Wechat. So I know briefly what is going on. I don’t want to go back and not know what’s going on, my dad will go “You know nothing of what’s going on?!"

How do you feel about this two countries in general terms?

I feel like Singaporeans has to be more open minded to China, the Chinese from China who choose to move to Singapore because you can’t judge them base on the media or what you see from the surface. China is so vast that you feel like you know, but you don’t know. There is so much more to understand instead of judging.

I try to have a very neutral standing for both counties as I learn both good and bad about these two countries. I don’t get over protective when people talk about the bad things about China. I would rather ask if people can be more understanding, to some extend you will understand why certain things China people do will become clearer. It doesn’t kill to open up a little more. Have you ever thought of how China citizens view Singaporeans? It’s either you give it space of you just be judgemental.

I have seen people of China background, tries to get rid of the China identity, and when people bad mouth about China they will just go with the flow. I wouldn’t join in. Neither will I be affected by it. It’s your view not mine, and I am not ashamed of my nationality.

China has a very good impression of Singapore. If you see the amount of China tourist coming to Singapore you know how they love this city already! How safe, how clean, it’s a garden city! Singapore is so technology advanced everywhere! The comfort of being able to converse Chinese and see similar types of people here.

I notice that China tourist would always go for tours whenever they go to Europe, but when they are in Singapore they go free and easy. They just know that Singapore is a safe place to be. And very good currency rates too!

Would you change anything about yourself?

I had moments when I did not want to tell anyone about my nationality. Didn’t want to be truly genuine to put myself out there. I wish I had more pride to tell people that “Oh, I am from China and I am not afraid of that.”

What is your plan for the next 5 years?

To turn into a morning person, pursue illustration major to become a part time illustrator. Lastly to get back in touch with Chinese calligraphy so that it can make me a stronger illustrator.

[cmfrtlvls]

#comfortlevels Introduction

This little project was made after years of being told that “I look more Japanese” and over the years “I look more Chinese” Was it a compliment? Was it an insult? Or was it a general comment?

Growing up in a place I was not born in, makes me feel very envious of people who grew up where I was born. I donʼt know what itʼs like to be in school, or hang out with people in my home country. But I know what are people like in the place I grew up in. I knew I was different the moment I looked at the other kids I want to play with. Not everyone wants to play with me. Even though our skin tones are the same, the kids in the local houses corridors stared curiously wondering if I spoke the same language.

So I had to adapt, donʼt I? Spoke the local language, kick boys balls to show that Iʼm annoyed and finally grow a group of friends I hang out with a venti mocha Frappuccino and draw in Starbucks.

28 years in Singapore, I just had to go. It was time for me to come “home”. I had to go back to Japan to take care of my grandparents.

I was afraid and excited at the same time, moving out of the country for the first time! I became curious with foreigners who are living here in Singapore and locals who once lived in Singapore.

Why did they leave? Did they want to go back? Were they ever comfortable? These are my interviews with people, who lived abroad independently longer than I did. Just a note: A number of illustrations were done about 2 years ago, the styles may not be consistent.