elle

take me as i am

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14 May 2024

For the first time since she left 9 months ago, I've truly found my way back to the loneliness that suffocated me throughout my youth. I worry that the piece of me she took when she walked away was the one that had been keeping me alive. My body went numb and inert when she walked out. The only thing I've allowed myself to feel is heartbreak; if not from her, from someone else. I've been so busy grieving people that my body has had no time to grasp that they are gone. When all you can think of is why they left and why this happened and if they'll ever come back, you will never possess the true awareness to realise they're gone. I keep them alive through nostalgia so I never have to let them go. But they are gone, and I am back where I started. I need a friend, I need a soft hand to reach out of our bedsheets searching for me at night. I've grown so accustomed to falling asleep skin-to-skin with someone I love that I'm unsure how I ever managed to sleep alone.

I walked past a river last week that reminded me of the psychotic episode I had at 18 that urged me to drown myself. I used to fantasise about overdosing on a sedative and letting my body float away down a large body of water until they found me two weeks later and pulled me offshore. My brain went on autopilot and my legs were moving as if they'd been given orders from somewhere outside of my body. I'd fade out of consciousness without realising until I was further down the street than I'd last remembered being. Some small part of me had awoken to remind me that I hadn't left a note but I was at the mercy of something much larger than myself that would not let me turn around. Almost all of my memories exist in first-person but I watch this one from beside myself as if I'm following her down the street in curiosity. When I got to the lake a tree had fallen down at the entrance that was too large for me to climb or see over. I cried hysterically and walked back home and my memory stops there. I have no recollection of the weeks or moments leading up to it, just the complete disconnect from reality and the need to walk into the water and hold my head under it until everything stopped.

I try to forgive the people I love the way God forgives me but I'm not God. I'm scared and alone again and I want someone to sit with me. It hurts to relentlessly forgive and love from afar people who you once slept chest-to-chest with. Everyone I've ever loved has had the same hands. Big and soft and tanned with skin around the knuckles that's darker than everywhere else. I spend hours tracing the lines etched in their skin but it's never enough. I only know how to see people who don't want to be seen.

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11 May 2024

These people plummet into my life just as fast as they whisk themselves away once they've had their fill. As always, he showed me very clearly who he was as soon as I met him and I chose to ignore it. His voice is so soft and sweet and his hair is always messy and he doesn't quite know how to take care of himself. I will do it for you. I'll fold your laundry and line it up neatly on your shelves and I'll wash the cups you leave on your bedside table every morning before I go. I will pay for everything, I'll travel to you, I'll send you money for dinner and your appointment with your psychiatrist. Hand everything that's too heavy for you to carry to me and I will nurture it. I'll rub your back and trace every line on your face until the early hours of the morning when I'm sure you're asleep.

He told me point blank that he was using me and I still just wanted to love him. I asked God on Thursday to please remove him from my life in a way that I cannot overlook if he is not meant for me and that night he did. I've never had someone so blatantly use me before. Still, I want to watch over him like an angel and guide him out of all this. He told me he doesn't feel emotions; all he feels is anxiety. He told me he's cheated on everyone he's ever been with. He told me that he doesn't feel empathy and that he's sure he's a sociopath. He told me he hates ugly women and that all he cares for is instant gratification. I sat in his bed while all of this spilled out and all I could think was how do I help him. How do I love him back to health?

What a pathetic fate; to let a man use and embarrass me as he pleases because I can't help but see him as a broken little boy. And now how do I forgive myself? I'm a broken little girl too, I need to be loved back to health too. When I was 14 I promised my mother if she left my father I'd find a job and support her and we'd live together forever. Even after she'd broken me down into small, quivering fragments of a child, I waited for her to lean on me and let me build a new life for her. There are pieces of me scattered everywhere, I no longer know where to find them or how to patch them back together. I laid awake for years longing for someone to unearth them. The people I love only seem to know how to steal the scraps of what's left of me before they leave.

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6th May 2024

I found another girl's hair in his bed when I was making it this morning and after I went home and sobbed I told him I couldn't see him anymore. I asked him before we fell asleep why he couldn't just be obsessed with me and all he said was "I'm sorry". I turned away and didn't hold him all night and I didn't hug him when he left for work and now I'm not sure I will ever see him again. How does one go on so easily with their life after losing me? I ran into an old friend today and all I wanted was to tell them about you.

I wanted to sit in the church near my house and instead wandered until I found a quiet park to sit in. He told me to go for a walk before we hung up the phone and it irritated me. What will a walk fix? What will a walk fix when you can stand to see me go? The sun on my face felt nice but the rest of my body ached. An elderly man walked through pushing his wife in a wheelchair and they stayed for a while. I couldn't help but look up at them every few minutes. I'm glad she has someone to sit in the park with her. I don't want to be alone. I want someone to push my wheelchair through a park when I'm old. I want to sit there with them for a while and smoke a cigarette just like she did and I want to come home and watch TV and let the rest of the days blur into one. I want the rest of the world to evanesce when we're not in it. I want somebody to grow old with me and sit under soft branches to shelter us from the sun.

I took a photo of his room before I left this morning; I don't know why. I've spent so many nights there now that his house has started to feel like a home to me. I thought I would spend many more days sitting in the strange hole in his couch and poking him until he paid attention to me. I wish I had taken a photo of that too.

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28th April 2024

I wish my longing could feel sweet and innocent. I read of people who love and miss and wait and I picture myself near a softly flowing body of water with an equally soft ache of want in my chest. I read of bittersweet reunions between the long-lost and how a single touch can reunite them both to themselves and to each other.

My longing is hostile and pugnacious; it feels like a blow to the chest, lacerations that litter the skin- it feels as if every vital organ has been moved or tampered with. My body cries out with the pain and discomfort of my heart migrating to my ankle and my intestinal tract wrapping around my shoulders and neck. My skin doesn't feel right; something is tangibly wrong with my body, both inside and out. The longing has punctured and rearranged my body like a metal stick to prepare me for roasting. I sit and beg for the fire but it never comes. My body stands inert and alone until I can muster the strength to move everything back to where it belongs. The feelings of want, of longing, of yearning physically hurt- they leave me crying out in pain until I'm much too tired to writhe anymore. I sleep for 13 hours after but I always pray as my eyes close that I won't have to wake.

He told me last night that he can't give me what I want and I wailed the way I did 9 months ago when my ex left me without a word. I screamed out in pain at the feeling of merely wanting him and longing for him to turn around and hold me through it. I rocked back and forth hyperventilating and begged God to please, please kill me. Please kill me already, no human heart or body or soul can stand the feelings that such desires bring me. I daydream about missing him in a soft and palatable way. I dream of missing him tenderly while I tend to the rest of my life. I dream of leaving him now and watching over him like an angel for a few more years. My body is broken and I cannot love without wanting to kill myself and I cannot long without forceful submission to excruciating pain and never-ending impatience.