Coach Fedouche

A collection of UNC-CHeat's Red Bull-guzzling, lilliputian douche of a football coach.

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Only the best in douche step and death metal for my Fedouche's Freaks! Gonna get so poppin' kranked on the RBs (the real good mood food) that I might just go f*ck kick that goat that Roy keeps in his office!

[theworstthingsforsale]

Welcome to Grosstown, Yucklahoma. Population: Your vajazzle.

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We run a play called The Vajazzle-Dazzle when we need hit the hole hard for a tough yard.

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If I had a stick for every time I heard "hey, shitferbrains", I could build me a fuckinsweet tree house in the pines of Kenan. Still, I love being with my players...

Coach Fedouche

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Thank Red Bull I don't coach basketball! Who the hell knows what a Shabazz or a Nerlen is anyway?! Bryn, Batman and Robin.

Fedouche

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I'm serious Lehigh... teehee!

Fedouche

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Excited about my warm-up season and our new slogan: UNC Football 2012, Zero Pressure

Fedouche

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Hellfuckinfire! We basically getting off scott-free! We weren't going to a bowl this year anyway! You seen the losers on my team?! Sorry walk-ons, no scholly for you! And thank a Red Bull's cock that the NCAA didn't notice all that license plate scandal fiction, the Macadoo "situation", the head of the African American Studies farce, the school's agent-as-a-teacher program or the complete willingness by my superiors to ignore monitoring my buddy Butch's personal phone used for recruiting... See? We golden!

Coach Fedouche

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Coach Hatman, Will Red Bull be a staple in the training room?

Let me explain something to you: Red Bull is the staple. Period.

I've wisely replaced milk at the cereal station with Red Bull so all my boyz get so fuckin' amped for their tough-ass days. They're scholar athletes at Flagship U, they need that shit.

Red Bull flows from the showers so the boyz can squirt it into each other's mouths for fun and life-giving energy while they scrub each other.

I've replaced the locker room toilet bowl water with Red Bull, because when it splashes on my boyz' boys they get extra fired-up! Swirlies, which are a Larry-mandate for the freshmen, are even more fun, too!

I gave my homie Bryn a Red Bull enema while he slept... and while he didn't even wake up at the time, he was wired as shit when he came to our private sessions the gym.

And of course, Red Bull will be Flagship U's sideline drink, so don't expect anything else on game day but ass-punching domination from this team. 

Red Bull gives you wins and I give my boyz Red Bull becuase Red Bull is fuckinsweet.

Larry "The Horn of The Bull" Fedouche

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Fuckinsweet! Me and my boyz open the season with two cupcake D-II teams: Something called an Elon and a bible college called Wake Forest. Winner, winner, fried chicken for supper!

Coach Fedouche

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Is it true that Dabo and you are actually blood brothers separated at birth?

What in the fuck is a Dabo?! If you're talking about that piece-o'shit, worthless, hopping', maniac that skips around Clemson's sidelines wearing his daddy's sweatshirts... Then yes, we are. Daddy never loved me or let me wear his sweatshirt. Momma sold me to a pair of gypsy lesbians for 37 Camel Lights and a jar of donkey spit.

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Dammit, always have to take my picture half-way through shaving my head... At least my part looks like it was done with a hatchet!

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Poop Journal Entry #79:

Dear diary-ah (HA! Never gets old!),

Still appreciate Butch telling me to "keep track of my shit", it's been a good release for me since I can't get it naturally. Pretty bummed that I still haven't shit in February this year. It is a leap year, so there's still hope that we can get one out before March. 

Did fart once twice since last Thursday though:

First, felt like an ice-pick to the anus, smelled like turpentine and mustard

 Second, hot and damp (hope!), smelled like cocoa butter and asparagus (note: might have been due to wearing jockstrap as a ninja mask most of the day, the guys love it, pretty sure they say I'm "dey ninja").

I'll check back in when there's activity.

- Lawrence

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Pumped! Started winter workouts 6 weeks after "you-know-who", but we gots camera crews to prove how fucking sweet we are! Fucking sweet!

Coach Fedouche

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Only 242 days! Still looking for this "woodshed" everybody keeps talking about, my boys said they've been there the past 5 years. Got to be the key! Gotta be!!!

Coache Fedouche

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Note to myselves: Do NOT drink the purple drank with my boyz. Like I chugged a reverse Red Bull. Couldn't even feel my teeth chattering anymore, silence was maddening!

Fedouche

[thescore]

This. Fan. Wins!

Introducing possibly the greatest heckler ever to attend a basketball game.

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Some kid used my face for his sign, gonna punch his butt... Hard.