finders keepers, losers weepers

spencer porter ✌️ Titans coach + Lima’s most eligible bachelor. Proud Texas A&M alum. Gig 'em, Aggies. I may be as gay as they come, damn, do they come but I bench 250 and could totally kick your ass into next Friday. If you're here to start some shit, scram before I give ya somethin' to cry about.

[coachspencer]

TEXT ✉️ SPENCER ⇄ QUINN

Quinn: He made some implications and empty threats because he's a little dick bastard, and it makes him feel manly I suppose.

Quinn: We don't slut shame here, but we do shame for being embarrassing and ridiculous, and by we I mean 'I', so keep that in mind. Try not to let him get to you. That's what he wants, to get under our skin.

SPENCER: We used to call him "Gherkin" behind his back in the locker room. You know, like those little pickles that come on relish trays.

SPENCER: He's this close to me downing a pound of asparagus then breaking into his squad car and pissing all over the seats. 🤔

[coachspencer]

text message 📲 spencer p.

PUCK: pinky promise, dude. touch thumbs kinda promise.

PUCK: i feel like you should grab a bottle of lotion if we keep talking about this place...

SPENCER: i prefer touching balls...

SPENCER: ... and silicone based lube 💁🏼‍♂️

[coachspencer]

TEXT ✉️ SPENCER ⇄ HUNTER

HUNTER: I'm glad I don't know you well enough to know your sexual encounters that happen around this town. It's the least of my worries.

HUNTER: See, here's the thing Spencer, when you make something out of your life, like I have, you get opportunities to help in cases like these.

HUNTER: But you wouldn't know that kind of treatment, all you've got is... how many football championships under your belt? Can't be many when McKinley's got a coach like you.

SPENCER: My success may not look the same as yours, but you don't compare when you don't compete!

SPENCER: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zaXp3fVK2pg

SPENCER: We live in totally different worlds, dude. Tearin' me down doesn't make you better, it just makes you mean.

SPENCER: We won two state chmampionships when I was assistant coach and have come pretty close the past few years since I've taken the reins. 👍🏼

[coachspencer]

text message 📲 spencer p.

PUCK: i'm gonna kick your ass if you keep talking lame shit, porter.

PUCK: what's even at that place anyway? a bottle of coke?

SPENCER: that a promise? 😉

SPENCER: you get to go in the vault where they keep the secret formula! and they've got a tasting room where you can try literally hundreds of flavors of coke from around the world! ahhhh!

[coachspencer]

text message 📲 spencer p.

PUCK: we'll see how i'm feeling when i get there. bath bombs are dope though.

PUCK: that's what you're most excited for?

SPENCER: i've got a rubber ducky too 😏

SPENCER: i mean, ya, besides gettin' to hang with you in your new stompin' grounds. what else should i be looking forward to?

[coachspencer]

text message 📲 spencer p.

PUCK: sometimes i don’t kiss and tell. kinda like half the moms i used to clean pools for.

PUCK: bro the city is legit. plenty of bars to fuck around at before going back to my place.

PUCK: 💦

SPENCER: my apartment doesn't have a pool to clean... does that disqualify me from kisses? 'cause i can totally fill up the tub and break out a trusty lush bath bomb if need be

SPENCER: plus there's the world of coca cola museum 😍

SPENCER: 👅

[coachspencer]

TEXT ✉️ KURT ⇄ SPENCE

KURT: I definitely don't hate the player.

KURT: Okay, just curious.

KURT: Reliability is more important for anything harder. Bad weed is just bad and not necessarily dangerous, right?

KURT: It's kind of a long story but some things went too far back in New York and now I'm just trying to get off of it. But it's difficult and feels awful. So it's taking a while. Please don't judge me. No one else but Finn even knows.

SPENCER: Never feel like you need to hide anything from me out of fear of being judged. That's not how we worked then and it sure as hell's not how we're gonna work now.

SPENCER: I'm just glad you're still willing to be honest with me even after all this time. Thanks for trustin' me ❤️

SPENCER: What can I do? What do you need?

[coachspencer]

[coachspencer]

TEXT ✉️ SPENCER ⇄ RACHEL

RACHEL: I completely agree, now more than ever.

RACHEL: You know how I was a little psychic back in high school? I feel like I have tapped more into my abilities as I've gotten older and I have always thought Hunter Clarington was peculiar and cold. I'm going to do some sleuthing.

RACHEL: He didn't even go to McKinley !

SPENCER: "Pecuilar" and "cold" aren't the words I'd use to describe Dickbag Claringdouche. Try "fucking" and "stupid."

SPENCER: He acts so high and mighty when he couldn't even find friends at his own school so he had to come steal ours. What a loser.

[coachspencer]

text message 📲 spencer p.

PUCK: you never told anyone about that? shame your best lay moved hours away.

PUCK: 👉🏽👌🏽

SPENCER: nah, man. not my business to tell. besides, it's kinda fun sneakin' around. i can still keep it hush hush if that's your style

SPENCER: fuck, you're tellin' me. you really did always know how to take me there 😍 i might have to take a little vaca to atlanta when all this shit is over

SPENCER: 🍑🍆

[coachspencer]

text message 📲 spencer p.

PUCK: natural top at your service.

PUCK: what a comeback. 🥱

SPENCER: i'm still the same vers king i was back when you were givin' it to me on the dl in the flatbed of my truck after practice

SPENCER: 🖕🏻

[coachspencer]

text message 📲 spencer p.

PUCK: relax, dude. i wouldn’t stay over anyway. marley’s mom makes a killer breakfast and i’d be a total dumbass to miss it.

PUCK: you’re lame, loser.

SPENCER: are you at least down to top? or are you goin' to shatter that dream too?

SPENCER: nuh-uh, you are.

[coachspencer]

text message 📲 spencer p.

PUCK: what makes you think i’d be down for spooning? what kinda softy do you take me for, dude?

PUCK: it was cool back then. now it’s annoying.

SPENCER: hope you've got the funds for an uber then. why tf would i let you sleep in my bed if you're not gonna cuddle me? then you're just takin' up space for no reason.

SPENCER: laaaaaaaame.

[coachspencer]

text message 📲 spencer p.

PUCK: you’re saying all the right shit, porter.

PUCK: beats this full i’m staying in.

PUCK: fuck those smoke rings and everything else they can do. if i have to toss one more vape pen, i’m gonna punch someone.

SPENCER: think about it... goin' shot for shot with bourbon, the liquor warmin' you up. then me gettin' you even warmer 😈 before coolin' down together spoonin' with a carton of ice cream 😩

SPENCER: aw, man. i always thought you were impressed by my smoke rings back in the day

[coachspencer]

TEXT ✉️ KURT ⇄ SPENCE

KURT: You say that to all the boys, right? You did always have a way with words, Spence.

KURT: Do you know if he has anything besides weed?

KURT: I'm not about to blow some sophomore for drugs. I have standards. And frat boy drugs are more unreliable than meeting Brett behind Breadstix after his night shift.

SPENCER: Don't hate the player, hate the game, K. 😉

SPENCER: Not sure. Never asked. Not my thing.

SPENCER: You're worried about reliability but are lookin' for shit that's harder than weed? What's that about?

[coachspencer]

text message 📲 spencer p.

PUCK: look, i’m just trying to blow off some steam until i get back to atlanta. if your offer still stands when that time comes, then so will i. 😈

PUCK: man what i would give for some good bourbon.

PUCK: weird as hell, man. these kids are giving me ideas i wish i would’ve tried back in the day. they’re badass.

SPENCER: i've got a handle of maker's mark on my counter right now with your name on it. just sayin' 🥃😬

SPENCER: (plus a super comfy king bed to crash in perfect for blowin' off some steam if it comes to that 🤷🏼‍♂️)

SPENCER: dude, same. i'm jealous of gen z and all their cool vape tricks.

[coachspencer]

TEXT ✉️ SPENCER ⇄ HUNTER

HUNTER: Why do you need to know my sexual orientation? We'll never sleep together. And I'm engaged, not that you need to know my life.

HUNTER: Plus, I know your mouth's like the town gloryhole so why would I want it anywhere near my dick.

SPENCER: Well, congrats on the engagement 💁🏼‍♂️

SPENCER: Would it kill you to try and find some common ground with me? My bad for tryin' to bond over shared sexual attraction whether it's to each other or guys in general

SPENCER: Fuck you, dude. You don't know me well enough to assume shit like that. Plus, you're one to talk. Lima PD wants you on the case out of the blue? Such bullshit. What'd you let Chodeofsky and his Hobbit give you the Eiffel Tower treatment during your interview?