ɴᴏ ᴍᴏʀᴇ

nikki . idk whats going on . selective

[coastcl]

–––– @PURPLETEETHS​​ ⊱ ESTELLE.

it didn’t take long for bodie to take her pain as an opportunity to be unkind to himself. usually, when he spoke like that, estelle would comfort him and try to talk him out of feeling this way. however, it wasn’t going to be her burden this time. she didn’t have the energy. “what am i going to do alone? that’s even more dangerous. half the reason i mustered up the courage to actually go was because i KNEW i was going to be with you!” at least here she had her grandfather. “people who LOVE me? i have a quiet home that is just me and my grandpa and two people who wouldn’t even notice if i stopped showing up for dinners. it’s not the fabulous life you think it is.” she did have rosie, though. rosie, who almost took the role of grandma after her own grandma passed. “i bet you are,” she said quietly as she began walking away from him and the diner.

bodie’s head couldn’t think of words fast enough to keep estelle with him. before he could speak, she was already walking away. and it hurt. every step she took felt like a kick in the head. all of the years they had spent talking to each other online had lead up to this week, the first time he’d get to see her in person. and now, bodie feared it’d be the last time he’d ever get to see her–to hear her, to talk to her. every step she took away from him solidified that. “estelle, wait,” he called out, finally picking his feet off the ground and walking after her. she didn’t deserve to hear his begging, or to offer him any forgiveness. she didn’t deserve him, at all, knowing what he’d done to her. she was better off without him. but bodie wasn’t certain he would live without estelle in his world. “please, just–listen to me, please.” when he was close enough, bodie grabbed her arm, just light enough to stop her. “you… i will leave here tonight. i’ll get my stuff from your place tonight, i’ll get a ticket out of here, you don’t have to deal with me. but, i will always be here for you. i won’t bug you, i won’t try to reach out, if you don’t want me to. and–” he was rambling, and he could have kept going on, but bodie knew his words were no good to her right now. he reached down into his pocket, and pulled out an envelope, folded over a few times, crinkled around the edges. bodie stood with it in his hand before holding it out for estelle. it had her name written on the front, in his somewhat-neat handwriting. “estelle, you are my best friend. and i know you’re mad, you probably hate me, but… if one day you don’t, i… wrote that for you to read.” bodie didn’t try to guilt her into taking it–if he wanted to, he could tell her about the days he spent writing the perfect letter, the multiple drafts it took until he said everything he needed to say, and said it right. it was up to her. it was the last peace offering he had to give.

[coastcl]

–––– @purpleteeths​​ ⊱ estelle.

“JUST TELL ME!” estelle ran her hands through her hair as she tried to take in the information. how did they get here? they were just having the best week of their lives. how did they fall so fast? “you let me go on and on about how excited i was and you just– you KNEW. you just let me look like an idiot!” she shook her head as he tried to rationalize it and make her feel better. “what WE wanted was to leave our hometowns and start fresh. why are you the only one who gets to do that? what about ME?” he knew how much she hated this town after her grandma passed, and it only got worse once esther and donnie began to shut her out. “don’t i want the life i’ve already been living the past twenty-three years? yeah, i love it so much. that’s exactly why i wanted to leave, because my life was too good.” the sarcasm was dripping from her voice but she just couldn’t help it. “of course you want to make it work, you get everything you want. as usual, i’m getting the short end of the stick.” it just seemed like all her friendships were crumbling around her. 

"i’m sorry! i didn’t even want to come because i knew this would happen! i never, ever, ever wanted to hurt you. i didn’t want to make you said or to disappoint you. i tried, and i tried, but every time i brought it up you got so excited and so happy–and i fucked up. i know i fuck up! i fuck everything up!” the last part was more of a tangent than bodie had intended. it had been on his mind––well, it lived in his mind, constantly. but whenever he saw how happy estelle was, all he could think about was how badly he had hurt her. before she even knew, it was all he could think about. “don’t say that. estelle, if you want to go, then you should go! don’t not go because of me. i won’t be with you, but, we’ll text, and we’ll call, and it will be just like it always has been! if that’s what is better for you, then i want that.” bodie lowered his voice, trying to find estelle’s eyes. it was hard under the night light, and even harder as she kept turning away from him. “i don’t know what do to from here. i never wanted to get to here. but you know i have to leave home. you know that! no one wants me there. and you–you have people who love you here. i don’t have that. i tried, estelle, i’m just… i’m sorry.” 

[coastcl]

–––– @purpleteeths​ ⊱ ESTELLE.

estelle didn’t know what to believe. she didn’t know what to think right now. “i wish you would’ve told me before i put all my things in boxes.” her and her grandpa had worked tirelessly to pack all her things and they were almost finished. they really only had two more boxes worth left to pack– and now it all had to be unpacked. god, UNPACKING. having to go home with her tail between her legs and tell her grandpa she wasn’t leaving. it was going to be nice, being able to still stay with him. but that was pretty much the only thing she was going to miss. if anything, she thought bodie would understand how much she needed to leave this town. but from his final comment, it seemed like he assumed she would still be going alone. “it’s funny, isn’t it?” she asked as she shook her head and turned back around to face him. “since the very first day we talked, all i ever wanted was for you to be close by,” she said to his back. “all this time, i imagined all the things we’d do together, the adventures we’d have. but now that you’re actually here…” estelle paused again. “i wish you were a thousand miles away.”

"how was i supposed to tell you to stop packing! i couldn’t, est… i–” bodie was growing frustrated. not with her, of course. at himself. he hated himself, more than ever–more than anything. his inability to get into the same school ( or one closer to her, for god’s sake ), his reluctance to tell her, his damn lying when he talked about his bags being packed… everything had piled up until the lie was too big to rationalize anymore. and even then, he didn’t stop lying. “please, estelle,” as she got further from him, bodie took a step closer, “please don’t say that. we’ve waited all this time to do something together–to be together, for once. this is all we have wanted, for years.” bodie didn’t know what he was begging for; he didn’t expect her forgiveness or acceptance. “if you’re staying here, it’s okay then, right? you’ll be here, i’ll be here…” its like bodie could feel his argument crumble as the words fell out of his mouth. “i want to try to make it work. it’s not what we had planned, but… if it’s all we can do, don’t you want that? at least?” 

[tardisgifs]

[coastcl]

–––– @purpleteeths​ ⊱ ESTELLE.

nothing could have ever prepared estelle for the bomb bodie just dropped on her. she was familiar with western new england university– her grandparents suggested she apply there once she graduated high school. “but that’s…” she paused take a breath. “what?” estelle so badly wanted bodie to be joking. she NEEDED him to be joking. but she knew bodie incredibly well and this was no joke. there were a million thoughts running through her head, but she couldn’t seem to vocalize any of them at the moment. she pulled her hand from his and took a step back. she brought a hand up to rub her forehead before turning around and facing away from him. her eyes landed on the building in front of her. ROSIE’S. oh, how excited she had been to introduce bodie to rosie. she had told rosie so many stories about bodie. “did i do something wrong?” none of this was making sense. everything was on track for them to move. what happened? “why now?” if he had already accepted an offer, he’d been sitting on it. why did he wait so long to tell her? they were just weeks away from making the big move and now he decided to tell her?

"no–no! no, it’s not you. god, estelle, don’t think that. please.” bodie would rather estelle slap him across the face than begin to blame herself. he figured, in fact, a good punch to the face would help distract him from the rumbling guilt that sat in his chest like hot iron. “i tried. i did… i thought i had done everything right. but i didn’t get accepted, and i didn’t know how to tell you. you were so excited and–i don’t know! i panicked. how am i supposed to tell you that i ruined our plans because i’m not, what, as smart as you? as good?” a round of laughter erupted from the diner–so loud, in fact, that it pulled bodie’s attention away from estelle for a moment. that was supposed to be them. having fun, enjoying their last night together. instead, this is what bodie had done. he turned back towards her, but couldn’t look at her. the hurt on her face was too much to handle. “i wanted to see you. i wanted us to have this week, because…” because they weren’t going to have any time after it. the thought was obvious, but bodie couldn’t bring himself to speak it. “i’m sorry, estelle. i… i’m not going to be far. not as far as i have been. i’ll be… here.” bodie wished she could see a positive in that. but bodie knew how estelle felt about springfield, and knew that her finding any comfort in the town was a long shot.

[thehoeofthewhiteman]

[midsommars-deactivated20201109]

Euphoria (2019—) Created by Sam Levinson

[isakvaltrsen]

[wisemans]

[midsommars-deactivated20201109]

Hot Summer Nights (2018) Directed by Elijah Bynum

[coastcl]

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[coastcl]

–––– @purpleteeths​ ⊱ ESTELLE.

estelle was beginning to grow worried as the silence between them only grew. it didn’t help that he avoided eye contact with her for as long as possible. the only thing connecting them was their hands. her eyes scanned his face as if the furrowing of his brows or the vein in his forehead would tell her everything going on inside of his head. her eyebrows lifted slightly as he began with her name, but they soon furrowed as he trailed off again. as soon as he said i know you’re going to be mad, her fears began skyrocketing. every worst-case-scenario was running through her head. “hey, hey,” she began before placing her hand on his cheek. “we’ve been friends for years and how many times have i been mad at you?” she was trying her best to calm herself down– what was the worst he could say? she was just hoping he was overreacting about whatever was on his mind. “of course i remember. you and i stayed up so late that night looking at possible options that would work best for you. we looked at acceptance rates and decided which schools you were too good for.” it was a fun night for the two of them. estelle vividly remembers making fun of the people who would potentially be his peers and talked about how they would never realize how lucky they were to be in his presence. “i don’t understand why i would be so mad about it. did you not find something? is that what you’re scared to tell me?”

when bodie felt her soft hand on his face, he wished that it was comforting–but the reality was panic. estelle’s touch was like a lightning strike through his body. he didn’t deserve that type of kindness, especially from her. he gently took her hand away and let it fall out of his own grasp. “no, no, i found one. i mean, i found a couple, i had other choices, but none of them… i only got into one.” bodie held his stare at her when he spoke next. “western new england.” he didn’t have to explain any more to her. she knew of the school–she had to. it was hardly outside of springfield, almost within the same damn county lines. from where they stood, campus was only a mere twenty minutes away. it would have been the perfect school location-wise… if estelle was planning on staying. “and i… accepted the offer.” every time bodie had tried telling her before that night failed. he never wanted to disappoint her, to anger her, and his damn indecision to tell the truth created the worst possible scenario. he wanted to flood her with apologies, but his fear kept him quiet, anxious waiting for the news to sink onto the girl’s once bright, happy face.

[coastcl]

–––– @purpleteeths​ ⊱ ESTELLE.

although she wasn’t expecting him to insult her tour guiding skills ( to her face at least ) she was a bit relieved that he said he was enjoying himself. unfortunately, that meant she still had no clue what was on his mind and she didn’t like that feeling. her smile fell as the first question left his lips. it was something she’d thought about a lot as the time for them to leave grew closer and closer. “i mean… yeah, of course.” she loved her grandpa more than anything and was absolutely terrified to be living on her own– but bodie was the one who was getting her through all that. sure, she wouldn’t be with the best guy in her life anymore but she’d be with the next best thing. as much as she wished esther could go with them, she wasn’t sure she would even want to. estelle had yet to even tell her best friend that she was planning on leaving. it wasn’t fair to esther and she knew that, but she was still hurt that it seemed like donnie had taken her place. she was convinced that esther wouldn’t even notice. “you’re going to miss new york, aren’t you? i know it wasn’t amazing, but it’s your home?” she was wondering if his questions were coming from his own feelings. perhaps he was too scared to leave new york. “missing home is a given. i just… i feel like i’m ready for new things.” estelle wasn’t sure how, but she wanted to impact the world at least a little, and staying in springfield didn’t seem like a good way to do that. “besides, it’s not like it’s crazy far. we’re still on the same coast and everything.” she took his free hand with hers so that she could get him to really focus on her. the blue lights perfectly danced across his face and left a small smile on hers. “i know it’s scary, but this is what we’ve been waiting for. we’ll be so close but it’ll be brand new. a fresh start for the both of us.”

“right. right…” the anxiety that bodie was showing on the outside was nothing in comparison to the spiraling disaster that was his derailing train of thoughts. leaving with estelle sounded like a beautiful escape a year or two ago, but the way that bodie looked at it now, the poor girl would only be stuck with someone who’d easily ruin her. bodie’s relationships fell apart like they were built to be knocked over––once one little problem occurred, everything tumbled after it. the barrier of pure distance had kept estelle safe from him all those years. having the girl depend on him was a recipe for disaster. “estelle, i, ah…” it was nearly impossible to look at her any longer. but even with his eyes fixated on the ground between their feet, he held onto her hands. it was a sensation he wished wasn’t so new. he wished it was common and old news. it’d make letting go a lot easier. “i have to tell you something. and i know you’re going to be mad. and––god, i just thought that i’d let us have this, and have fun, for once together.” he wasn’t making sense, that was for sure, and the more he danced around the actual sentence the more his fear rattled him. “do you remember when i said i was thinking about applying for transferring? last year?” bodie specifically selected a few near springfield, just knowing it’d be close to her home. he didn’t actually expect to get into any. one, specifically. part of the reason he never told estelle which schools he got into was due to the fact that out of them all, only one was a positive response. 

[coastcl]

–––– @purpleteeths​ ⊱ ESTELLE.

if one were to ask estelle how she felt about finally having bodie by her side, her only answer would be over the moon. the two had gone through some really tough moments together and it was so much more difficult to do through skype or facetime than it was to do it together in person. since they had planned bodie’s trip in advance, estelle had plenty of time to put together the perfect weekend for the two of them. while springfield wasn’t the greatest ( she did want to leave for a reason ), it did have some pretty nice qualities. her little tour for bodie around town was also meant to be like her last hurrah before finally leaving, but he was making it difficult to enjoy. it was clear his mind was elsewhere and he wasn’t really taking it all in. it wasn’t a total bummer– it wasn’t like he was meant to fall in love with the place. “mister roketi,” she began as she reached for his hand. “i think you’ve forgotten who you’re with. i’ve learned to decipher your mood simply based on your text patterns and the punctuation you use. you think it wouldn’t be a breeze for me in person?” she was partly teasing, but she was also serious. the two would often joke they knew each other better than they knew themselves, and estelle really believed it sometimes. “look, if the weekend has been totally boring you can just tell me. i tried my best to make it fun, but in my defense the town didn’t give me much to work with.” however, she did save the best for last. rosie’s diner. it was actually where they were headed at the very moment she decided to ask how he was doing. estelle squeezed his hand gently and offered him a reassuring smile. “you can tell me anything. you know that, don’t you? it’s kind of been our mantra for the past few years.”

"oh my god, estelle, no, no––it’s fine, it’s been––it’s been amazing, you have no idea.” though they were just entering the parking lot to the sparkling neon diner, bodie stopped, holding onto estelle’s hand to keep her from excitedly moving forward without him. the light blue and bright prink that radiated from the diner’s large sign and windows turned the girl’s face into a twist collage of colors, nearly sparkling. not only was she one bodie’s longest friends, but she was the one person he could always honestly talk to. there was never any judgement behind her advice and bodie felt comfortable coming to her with anything. and that was all before he ever got to touch her. now, she was in his hands, literally, inches apart, and he couldn’t get the words off his chest. “you’ve been amazing. this place…” bodie broke eye contact to look around. besides the diner, there wasn’t much else decorating the street, but bodie had seen enough of the simple town to know that it was going to be a suffice home for him, “don’t you think you’re going to miss it?” their weekend was void of any talk about staying––bodie made sure to stay away from that topic. the guilt that he held was getting too heavy. estelle didn’t deserve any of it, either. she deserved better than him. that was the worst part. she was nothing but sweet and supportive and despite how deeply he cared about her, he knew he wouldn’t be getting on that train with her. all the selfish reasons aside, it was for her good, too ( it was the only thought that could help bodie sleep at night ). “all the shitty people aside––you’re not going to miss it at all?”

[coastcl]

–––– @purpleteeths​ ⊱ ESTELLE.

regardless of how badly bodie was about to fuck up, it was their last night together. his train ticket back home had him scheduled to leave at eight the following morning, and estelle was making sure to utilize every moment they had. this week, the most anticipated and enjoyable week that bodie could remember living, was all the two had before their plan to move upstate started at the end of the month. it was easy for them to arrange it: meet up once during the summer, and after getting their ducks in a row, move off and out of the hole that was springfield; together. when bodie came to visit estelle, it was hard to look at her perfectly packed boxes and pretend that everything was okay. their lease upstate started in fifteen days. well, estelle’s lease. bodie’s, however, started next week… in springfield. the grave bodie was digging got bigger and bigger with each lie that he had strung estelle on with. for their past days together, he was able to fully submerge himself in HER, and blissfully forget how horrible the situation was. but for the past few hours, bodie’s anxiety was slowly taking over. and when she had asked ( for maybe the fifth time that day ) how he was feeling, and he said, “i’m fine,” ( for the fifth time that day ) it was obvious that she didn’t believe him. “i’ve just been thinking… i’ve been thinking about a lot. that’s all.” every attempt bodie made at telling the truth scared him to the core, and he backed out. he was amazing at it.

[clarkkent]

[coastcl]

–––– @melodramctics ⊱ CASSIE.

          cassie’s shoulders lifted in a nonchalant shrug at his response. not really caring if she was remembered at this point. “ angel. that’s cute. i’m cassie. ” her free hand darted out to shake his hand, but his went to his pocket. making a show of shaking her own hand, she dropped the one free of the red solo, taking a sip with the other. “ you know smoking kills right ? ” she made a face at the pack he’d retrieved from his pocket. never having smoked anything in her life, cass would have usually patted him on the shoulder and walked away, but now ? now her eyes flashed up to his before a slow smile spread on her lips. “ lead the way. ”

         there was a small scrunched bit of forehead between his eyebrows, briefly, before laughing at the girl’s display. he around with the small box before throwing a smirk in cassie’s direction. “they haven’t stopped me yet, so…” angel ended with a shrug, and slug an unlit cigarette in his lips, nodding towards the front door of the small apartment. “you know the dude?” angel asked once they were both outside, referring to whoever was hosting the party. he covered the end of the cigarette with a cuffed hand, and lit it up with a few sparks. once he had drawn in a breath, he offered the lighter and open box to cassie.