Chronicles of a Wandering Smart Aleck

10 Reasons Why You Should Never Set Foot In Iran

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1. Iran is nothing but a huge, barren, hellhole of a desert, famous for its formidable landscape and deathly heat waves. Here you will find sand, sun, and more sun, so you better stock up on the sunscreen and consider investing in some turbans. However, this isn’t your long anticipated trip to the beach. Apart from the occasional camel caravan of vagabonds and thiefs, waiting to ambush you and rob you of your life’s savings, you won’t find anything else. Not a soul. Not a drop of water. Honestly, it’s a wonder how people inhabited this location in the first place. I can already feel the sand attacking my corneas. How do these people even stay hydrated? Don’t they ever get tired of this? Dear lord! Uh, I mean Allah.

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2. Looking for a nice place to unwind and relax? Too bad. The people of Iran lead nomadic, hunter-gatherer lifestyles, complete with tents, camels and a power hungry sheik, waiting to give you a run for your money - and I mean this quite literally. If you’re planning on visiting this Allah forsaken place, make sure you pack a tent, face mask, and plenty of water. You’re in for the hottest, sandiest, most extreme camping trip of your life. The place virtually knows no luxury amenities, and the people live very backwards, non progressive lifestyles. Running water? Hah! Toilets? Hah! A bed? HAH HAH HAH! This place knows no such thing. Unless you’re Bear Grylls looking for a new location for his next survival lesson, I would advise against coming here. I mean look at it! It’s treacherous! Someone should really introduce these people to a hammer. 

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3. Iran is a barren, unpopulated place where people only travel in caravans with camels. If you’re planning on coming here, be prepared to invest in some riding lessons. Make sure you bring a friend to avoid extreme wafts of loneliness, I hear depression is a legitimate problem here. 

As far as development goes, it seems as if the industrial revolution basically skipped this part of the world, and I honestly do feel bad for these people - these poor, unfortunate, underdeveloped souls. Maybe Oprah should start a “Save Iran Foundation” here instead of her new philanthropic projects in Africa. Looks like these people could really use it.

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4. The country is basically in ruins because of the revolution. I mean look at it. This has got to be one of the most mediocre skylines I have ever seen. You call this a proper city? These people really need some building lessons. They honestly have no idea what they’re doing. I mean come on, the shed in my backyard looks more put - together than this place. Where is the architecture? Where is the innovation? Have these people even heard of electricity? Do they even know what a city looks like?

Okay I take back what I said earlier. We don’t need a “Save Iran Foundation.” We need a “Give Iran Some Buildings Lessons Foundation.” You get a hammer, he gets a hammer, EVERYBODY GETS A HAMMER!

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5. There is no real history or architectural magnificence to this place. Everyone’s got a 550 BC Archaemenid Dynasty ruin hanging out in their backyard. No biggie. There’s really nothing special about having relics form the first ever Persian Empire. Just look at those carvings in the walls. They’re so primitive, my five year old nephew could’ve done it. And how about those columns? That’s so Roman Empire. Don’t these people have ideas of their own? Where’s the creativity? Where’s the cultural identity?

I just can’t anymore.

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6. Iranians hate American and Western culture and are obsessed with nuking us. Don’t even bother thinking about coming here unless you’re suicidal. These people DESPISE all things from the Western World, especially pop culture. Our free thinking mindset really gets under the skin of those radical Islamist types. Unless you’re planning on carrying a Quran and wearing a white robe (black cloak and hijab if you’re a woman), stay far far away from here. Your liberal, immoral, non Muslim mindset is not welcome here.

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7. The women are horribly oppressed and naive. Because of their Islamist State, these women are deprived of luxury, fun, and any rights whatsoever. They’re expected to stay at home, take care of their family and cover their heads and bodies at all costs. I mean look at her, she’s enveloped head to toe in black garbs, and from this angle, it looks like she can barely see through her thick, veil that covers her face as she clutches a helpless child in her arms. Someone  really needs to go down there and liberate her. What is this sexist nonsense.

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8. The food is bland, scarce, and unappealing. After all, nothing really grows in a desert. If you actually do end up visiting the country, make sure you pack a decent lunch, or have a big breakfast. Hunger is a big problem here. People are basically fighting for leftover scraps of food. Lets start a “Save the Hungry Muslims of Iran Foundation” while were at it, so we can continue our new surge of philanthropic efforts. Watch out Oprah, there’s a new Mother Teresa in town.

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9. Because of their faith, Iranians are obsolete and don’t value art and culture. Essentially, they’re a grumpy bunch of Philistines. Is there a Museum of Modern and Contemporary Art you ask? The works of Andy Warhol and David Hockney you ask? Hah! That was cute. These people don’t have the patience for your silly western ideas of creativity and freedom of expression. It is such a waste of time! Your efforts would be better spent studying the art of camel breeding and woman subjugating, practices that are deemed much more productive and worthy of your time. If you’re really feeling patriotic, take some courses in Terrorism 101. Then you’ll fit right in!

[coawsa-blog]

10. They are a crabby, party hating group of people only concerned with upholding their Islamic values. If you’re planning on coming here to have a good time, you better turn back now. Your sinful desires will not be satiated here. The people of Iran don’t believe in unnecessary, trivial things like “fun” and “happiness.” They’re too busy shoving Allah down your throat and building nukes to bomb your backyard with.