drake: hey rih, guess what? i did it! i asked sufjan to the dance! and he said yes!
rihanna: omg aubs! i’m so proud of you! holy shit! tell me everything!
drake: well i was like, “hey, i was thinking maybe me and you could go to the dance together?” i was so nervous, oh man, i could hardly get the words out.
rihanna: yeah? and then what?
drake: well, he wasn’t answering, and he looked kind of, like… shell-shocked? and i thought he was gonna say no! so i was like, “but only as bros though!” you know, so he wouldn’t, like…
rihanna: oh… my god…
drake: what?
rihanna: aubrey drake graham, did you literally pull a no homo while asking a boy to junior prom? is that seriously what you’re telling me right now?
drake: i was freaking out! i didn’t think he’d say yes unless i-
rihanna: of course he would have said yes! dumbass, he’s been in love with you since the fourth grade! since you sat on the swingset with him and his weird-ass imaginary friends!
drake: i… you’re reading too much into things, i don’t know if he-
rihanna: i can personally guarantee you that right now, as we speak, sufjan stevens is lying on his bedroom floor. he’s listening to pet sounds. on vinyl. and he’s dropping the needle right on the first chord of “i just wasn’t made for these times.” he’s letting the song play out, and then he’s dropping the needle again. in the same place. over. and over. again. he’s not even crying. he’s just allowing brian wilson to drag him headlong into the vortex of human suffering. and that’s your fault, aubs. that’s on you.
drake: oh… oh NO! :( how can i fix this?
MEANWHILE…
annie: Sufjan My Dear Friend If You Do Not Turn Off That Dirge And Arise From The Floor In The Next Thirty Seconds I Am Afraid I Will Have No Choice But To Shatter Your Copy Of Pet Sounds With My Tiny But Powerful Fists
sufjan: What Ever Annie I Know All Of The Lyrics By Heart And Am More Than Capable Of Singing Them By Myself
annie: Sufjan Please I Grow Weary Of Your Wallowing
sufjan: 🎶 They Say I Got Brains But They Ain’t Doing Me No Good! I Wish They Would! Each Time Things Start To Happen Again I Think I Got Something Good Going For Myself! But What Goes Wrong? 🎶
annie: Your Singing Voice Is Lovely Sufjan But I Refuse To Enact This Emotional Labor Any Longer Get The Fuck Up
sufjan: But How Can I Get Up When My Life Is Irrefutably And Irremediably Over
annie: Your Life Is Not Over You Big Baby You Are Attending The Junior Prom On Friday And With The Boy You Love No Less
sufjan: We Are Attending As Bros! He Thinks Of Me Merely As A Bro!
annie: Have You Considered That Perhaps Aubrey Is Dealing With Severe Anxiety Surrounding His Feelings For You And Retroactively Rendered His Invitation Platonic In An Effort To Guard His Heart Should You Not Reciprocate
sufjan: No That Sounds Fake Annie
annie: Well Sufjan Do You Want My Insightful Advice Or Do You Want To Allow Brian Wilson To Drag You Headlong Into The Vortex Of Human Suffering
sufjan: The Latter
annie: Oh My God
sufjan: 🎶 Sometimes I Feel Very Sad! Sometimes I Feel Very Sad! Sometimes I Feel Very Sad! Sometimes I Feel Very Sad! Sometimes I Feel Very Sad! 🎶
