Tw rape and abuse talk. Just ignore.
I was raped in January, from a guy, a "good guy" ,you know the type, funny,easy going,social, but it was something off with him since the moment I met him, I felt it but thought everything was in my head. At that time I was living at a "friend" house, whom with lies convinced me to go to his city, he even "had a room"(lies) for me, I ended sleeping in his room, then one Saturday he wanted to show me the sea, I never see it before and I hate it forever now, he kissed me and started to touch me,I don't feel like it so he told me about this arrangement wasn't working for him and his brother and his fucking roomate who hated me since the beginning cause me being a woman didn't know how to cook ...cause yk I have an uterus and that comes with a need to take care of man in every motherly way...so he never say it out loud,but I knew what he was asking,or he was going to kick me out,In the most horrible place where I knew anyone else and had 0 money for rent. I let him fucking me,that time and other times. I started drinking again hard. Oh and since all this what happening he started to see a younger girl,not of our age , and then asking me for advice with I gave cause I thought maybe sleeping with her and having a relationship with her with make him stop. Didn't went that way. At this point, wherever I wasn't looking for a job to get out, I was drinking.(I was clean for a month before this,I know it seems little,but I have struggling with alcohol addiction since I was 14),one of the reason to move so far was because a psychiatrist advice of how good will be to finally move to a place I like, and get out of the people I used to hangout.
His birthday was a few weeks after this, I don't remember almost nothing,was already fucked at the beginning, I liked a guy who had good weed, we were going to fuck,I remember saying to him that I wouldn't do it if he didn't had a condom,and a trans woman I used to hangout there listening to him asking one, and told him "she isn't in her right mind rn so don't, she also told me I make him leave the room cause changed my mind about that, then I passed out in the room, when I came back to my sense, this friend of them, the "funny and good guy", was on top of me, making noises,I was dry and, he didn't even knew how to kiss, and the way he was doing it idk if he just sucks or was a virgin at 29 freaking years old, but it was painful, Idk if he came, I told him to get out of the room. He stayed in the house tho,he practically lived there by then. All the guys were acting like I was the one who had the best night,the must fun one, and I was all sore, full of bruises, burns.
I never invited him to the room, he came inside it, and fucked me while unconscious without a condom.
My period was suppose to come around that time,it didn't,I get so scare,I had to ask money to get out of that city and come back to the one I was originally, cause here at least I love it,I was weak and stupid for believing my ex friend, in a month a was humiliated,abused,raped, mistreated. I took a pregnancy test that came back inconclusive, and that shit is expensive so I had to wait for 2 weeks to take another,started binging,that one came back negative,but idk if I have some other disease cause we went on lock down since March till now, and I have no medical secure. Now I'm like 15 kg more than what I used to weight six months ago,and more scars and bruises cause I relapsed on sh too,but I'm clean from alcohol for 2 months now so, somehow a tie?
The first time I was abused was when I was 4-5 I don't remember well,for an older teen(he stopped when I was 10, I think I got to older for him then), then at the same time for a girl friend who was just a year more older than me at 9, then all my life was a magnet for certain type of guys. I think it is my fault, I feel like I go around giving out some pheromones that scream "this one, choose this one cause she is an easy target and she's used to this anyways". I never cryed about anything that happens on January, I'm just embarrassed, and I treat all this like normal, but I get frustrated in little things at the point of being aggressive and hurtful. With me.
I wanted to get this out of my head at least a little, I want to be able to sleep.
