Cold Sunflower

He's looking for his sun 一something warm. But, I'm just a sunflower.

[cold-sunflower]

Ya Allahhh Alhamdulillah hari ini masih bisa bangun pagi, meskipun baru tidur pas subuh.. Bangun tidur nggak ujan, cuaca sejuuuk banget jadi gak perlu nyalain AC, lumayan hemat listrik hehehe Makasih ya Allah buat Pagi ini ❤️

[cold-sunflower]

12:10 AM.

I'm the type of girl who listens..

I might not give you any advices but i will let you tell me everything, literally every single thing.

I'll be there, listen to you..

Try to put myself on your shoes,

Try to understandㅡ just how those problems burdens you and keep you wide awake all night,

I'll be sitting right in front of you..

Maybe i could hold your hand,

Try so hard to transfer the rest of my positive energy through my fingertips,

Or i could give you a hug,

So that i could give warmth to that cold heart..

Speak your heart, honey..

Let me hear your heart,

Let me see those tired eyes,

It's okay to cry, i may not wipe your tears (i may be too nervous to do that) but i'll give you my tissues,

It's okay if you want to curse, that might be not really good to hear but if it makes you relieve, then do it.

I promise,

I'll listen..

[cold-sunflower]

Malam.

Dia: Kamu punya pacar nggak sih? Maksudnya, pacar yang beneran 'pacar'.

Bahasamu berbelit.

Aku: Nggak ada.

Dia: Tapi ada kan orang yang kamu suka?

Aku: Ada nggak ya, hm...

Dia: Nanti bakal ketauan. Liat aja, aku cari haha

Aku: Yaudah, cari aja.

Silahkan cari. Aku juga penasaran, gimana responmu ketika kamu sedang giat mencari kemudian akhirnya menemukan namamu sendiri :)

[cold-sunflower]

I'm just trying to spread the love, concern, and kindness to everyone. All i want is to be a positive person, yet all they do is misunderstood me.

"Look, i guess she likes you."ㅡ Someone at the other day.

[cold-sunflower]

Liburan semester dua bener bener bikin gue jadi pengangguran unfaedah. Anjir, kerjaan gue bangun-mandi-makan-nonton-tidur. Begitu aja terus sampe rasanya gue pengen balik kuliah aja, praktikum dari siang sampe sore.

Temen temen gue belum pada libur kuliahnya, malah ada yang masih ujian.. Gue iseng bilang ke temen gue, anggep aja mawar, "ajak gue ke kampus lo dong. Kan gue juga mau tau kampus lo gimana.." Dan mawar mengiyakan, kebetulan katanya besok mawar juga mau ke kampus. Asik, gue ada kegiatan juga. Akhirnya, gue dateng ke kampus lain selain UNPAM.

Malemnya, gue langsung gercep ngechat dia,

👧: Eh

👧: Wid

👧: Bsk lu mau ikut ga

👩: Besok gua gabisa

👩: Mau kmn emg?

👧: Ke kampus mawar

👧: Yahh

👩: W gabisa kalo besok uhuy

👧: Kenapa

👩: Mau ngelamar :v

Ah.. jadi dia beneran mau kerja.

👧: Dimana?

Dia nyebutin nama salah satu event besar di daerah Serpong..

👧: Sama siapa lu?

👩: Sm temen kk gua :v

Ntah kenapa begitu gue tau dia serius pengen kerja, rasanya gue sedih.. Gue mikir, kalau dia kerja, berarti gue bakal sendirian liburan ini, dia pasti bakal sibuk kerja dan nggak bakal ada waktu buat main.

👧: Yha w alone dong

👩: Alone gimana?

👧: Aloneeeee

Gue bakal sendirian, wid. Karna temen yang selalu mengisi kegabutan gue juga bakal sibuk dengan kegiatan barunya..

👩: Kan kalo diterima kerjanya juga nanti awal agustus

👩: Itu juga part time sih

Tetep aja..

👩: Doain ajaa yaaa semoga dapet :v

Selalu, wid. Semua yang terbaik buat lo bakal selalu jadi doa doa gue tapi kadang ini ngebuat gue benci. Gue nggak sadar kalau ketakutan gue akan kesendirian ini ternyata bakal jadi nyata. Ternyata 'semua yang terbaik buat lo' itu nggak cuma merelakan lo buat ninggalin gue kerja, tapi juga mengikhlaskan lo buat ninggalin gue ke kehidupan baru...

... ke kehidupan yang abadi.

Ternyata lo beneran ninggalin gue sendiri.

[cold-sunflower]

Suatu hari, dia pulang kuliah cepet dan ngajakin gue keluar karna dia mager balik ke rumah. "Di rumah gue lagi ada yang hajatan", katanya. Yaudah, akhirnya kita pergi ke Mall deket rumah. Jalan jalan aja, sekedar liat liat, duduk, ngobrol ngobrol biasa.

"Eh, nanti temenin gue ke BreadTlk dulu ya, wid." "Ngapain lu? Beli cheesecake?" Emang cuma dia yang paling hapal kebiasaan gue kalo kesana. "Iyaaa hehehe" "yaudah.."

Abis capek keliling gajelas, kita mampir ke BreadTlk. Sayangnya, cheesecake yang gue mau lagi nggak ada tapi ada Japanese cheesecake, jadi itu yang gue beli. "Lu mau beli apa? Ambil aja.." "Nggak deh.." Kan. Ini anak tuh emang kebiasaan, nolak kalau ditawarin apa apa, padahal udah hampir 15 tahun kita temenan, masih aja sungkan. "Udaah ambil aja beneran, lu mau apa?"

Dia akhirnya nunjuk ke deretan Klappertaart, "ini enak nggak, yan?" Hmmm sejujurnya gue belum pernah nyobain Klappertaart. "Hmm, lu mau itu? Si anu pernah beli dan katanya enak sih.." mungkin dia tau kali ya gue ragu, "nggak jadi deh.. gausah.." Kan. Mulai lagi.

"Udaah gapapa lo mau apa? Ambil ajaa... Apa lo mau ini?" Gue ambilin roti dengan topping keju yang super banyaknya. Btw, dia suka banget keju. "Eh yaudah deh itu aja.." Gue tau wid, lo nggak bakal bisa nolak keju.

Keluar BreadTlk, seperti biasa gue berenti bentar di depan tokonya sambil nyeder di pinggiran jendela pembatas. "Kalau gue sukses, gue bakal buka toko cake and bakery yang lebih gede dan lebih famous dari ini." Dia bilang, "yaah, gue juga mau.." "yaah wid jangan.. nanti kita saingan" "ya ngapain saingan? Kan bisa joinan." "OHIYA, wid sumpah lo cerdas banget!!!" Dia ketawa, "Iyalah, ngapain saingan."

Dari situ aja udah keliatan banget kalau otak gue tuh cetek. Iya, ya? Kenapa nggak joinan aja? Gue rasa itu ide paling brilliant. Gue suka kue, dia suka baking dan eksperimen resep, kita bisa bikin toko kue yang isinya resep resep kita sendiri, atau roti dan kue yang udah kita modifikasi sendiri. Kita bisa bikin toko 'cake and bakery' yang lebih famous dari BreadTlk atau bahkan toko kue yang selevel sama The Harvst. Kita bisa!!

"Bener ya, wid??? Nanti kita joinan yaa???" "Iyaaa ayoo..."

Lo liat wid, kita memang seorang pemimpi dan perencana yang baik..

tapi Allah tetap penentu terbaik.

[byours]

Pilihan jalan hidup itu layaknya pintu krl. Ada banyak pilihan, tapi terkadang kita tertegun disatu pintu yang penuh. Padahal masih banyak pintu yang terbuka.Karena apa? You have many reason for that question, Meaning it.

Noer Syahbani [ senja stasiun ] (via byours)

[vomitingwords]

I wanted to grab my phone and call him.” she stared at the photo she’s been holding for hours. She’s talking to her best friend, telling her about all the things she had been feeling these past few days. It had been a silent week for her. A week of gloomy days and drizzles from the grayish skies. A week of starless night and moonless sleep. A week of feelings she can’t truly describe.“ I don’t know the exact reason why I’m saying this to you. But I really wanted to talk to him. I need to hear his voice. I need to know that he’s doing fine. I need him to tell me that everything is going to be all right. I don’t know but now I feel that maybe, I need to hear it directly from him. Maybe he should tell me that he’s not coming back. That he’s going to avoid me forever even if we happen to cross each other’s path again in the future. Maybe he should tell me that everything is going to change and I can’t do anything about it. That I can’t make the impossible things happen, the way I wanted them to. I know he said it already, but maybe I need to hear it again and again, until it knocked me back to my senses. Until I believed that it was real. Until I believed that it was not just the scariest nightmare I’ve been through. Maybe someone needs to remind me that I need to finally loosen my grip to this photograph of him. That he’s no longer happy to be with me. That I need to finally let him go. For real.

ma.c.a // Tell me, You’re no longer mine (via vomitingwords)

exactly what i'm feeling right now T.T

[cold-sunflower]

I don’t know what should i do with my Tumblr. I made this account about 2 or 3 years ago because i wanted to share my experiences, my happiness, my sad moments, everything. 一since i don’t have someone to talk to, i decided to write. although no one will gonna read it, at least i let out all the burden inside my chest. That’s what i thought. But when i looked into someone else’ post, woaa their writing are incredible! I mean how they made such a dramatic heartbreak story into a beautiful poems, how they could motivate someone through a 2 or 3 lines post, that’s just awesome. It changes my perspective that maybe i shouldn’t only write for my own sake but also for everyone.. I want to motivate and inspire everyone through my writing. I want to share my life experiences, how i solve my problems, how i go through everyone’s hatred for me, so that someone out there who going through the same thing realize that they’re not alone.. but i don’t know how to start.

How sad T.T

@cold-sunflower

[cold-sunflower]

So, i dream about you two days ago. maybe it was the side effect of wanting to see you so bad. I remember; you were wearing your favorite white shirt, ripped jeans, and a black beanie. Damn, i’m so in love with that look! What a boyfriend material. I was so happy to see you or maybe too happy that it almost made me cry. but then i remember, you’re not even my boyfriend. i was wondering what this is all about? You were smiling. Not saying a single thing. I looked into your eyes. It was so pure, sincere and full of love, you know i could tell. I really want to hug you, but i didn’t know, i just can’t. “I miss you..” I said. “How have you been? Did you eat well these days?” I knew i was talking to your shadow, a reflection of my own imagination. i was missing you a lot. “J, please wait a little longer.. would you?” I put a smile on my face, trying to hold back the tears. “i promise i will come to you someday and make ‘us’ come true. let’s make our dreams come true and life happily together after this.” I saw your smile getting wider, it made me smile even wider. “Thank you for coming here to see me.” … “thanks for being my sweetest dream.” You began to fade but your pretty smile still remaining. Dear J, whenever you come to my dream, i always wonder, have i ever come to yours, too? have you ever caught a glimpse of me in your dream? ‘cause i know you.. i know you so well.. i know you from head to toe. But you don’t know a single thing about me. Or probably you don’t even know my existence, that i’m alive and still breathing, that i’m living under the same sky as you are now. I bet you don’t know. ‘cause we never meet. 一 p.s: J, i love you.

@cold-sunflower

[cold-sunflower]

It’s not like I can’t move on, I just don’t want to.

Written on a cloudy March, thinking about November.

cold-sunflower

[cold-sunflower]

I wish i could celebrate this day with you every year. It kills me that i cant even get a chance to say ‘thanks’ to you for being a good, strong, and wonderful mom; that you’ve done such a wonderful hard job. I was young and so childish back then. And if i think about it, it’s way too late to realize that i should’ve said it a little sooner. Now that we’re in two different worlds 一only prayers connect us. . . . All my prayers, loves, and apologies… do they reach you, Mom?

[cold-sunflower]

There are no accidents… there is only some purpose that we haven’t yet understood.

Deepak Chopra

[cold-sunflower]

I knew this kind of sadness.. the pain.. how it feels. these tears will tell you everything.

1 July 2015, 1:00 AM.

[cold-sunflower]

He was mine, but not really. I never really had him, so i never really lost him. And i guess this is how we will always be. I had him, he had me. But then again, there was really no US.

Captionnya @taehyungdiary (ig)

[cold-sunflower]

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“Even if there is no answer, everything is inside your smile.”