☆⠀.⠀"Put me to sleep, evil angel; Open your wings, evil angel."
(I lost my train of thought near the end of this, but if I remember anything, I'll definitely add more to this. Sorry about it being so long, I love to ramble and go on-and-on about who I am, what I could be, and other things. I was anxious to post this, originally. I am not able to provide image-IDs. Plain text would also clutter everything up, but if you need it, please request it. Apologies.)
(I also don't have a tagging system yet. Again, if I get one or make one, I'll update here. This whole page is a work in progress, but the tags would most likely be related to songs from the Breaking Benjamin band's songs, obviously.)
Benjamin B. IV/VI, He/They (possibly Hy/Hym, I like how it sounds. I'm still figuring out some things about this identity. Not sure about They/Them, but I'd like to try it out some more.) Fluid identity in some aspects, but usually is primarily masculine, secondary neutral.
I enjoy the Trans-ID community but I feel like I can go a bit too far on some things (especially when I'm identifying as a real-life person, which could be seen as insensitive due to their experiences, whether it be current or past,) but if it feels right to me, and makes me feel more connected to them (when they're a big influence or comfort for me,) then I guess it's alright to some degree. (This isn't to make fun of anybody.)
TW for below: Talks of self-harm, and mental illness. (I'm very used to things having a lot of censorship and trigger warnings, such as servers and other places where I was required to add trigger warnings. So, for safety, I'll be doing that. It's a habit I have. Apologies in advance.)
I am genuinely mentally ill, in need of therapy, but unable to access it due to some things in life I don't want to share (in general, it's access/insurance problems with a mix of family and personal problems, but I'd rather not go too deep into it.) I experience delusions, moderate-to-severe paranoia, depression, anxiety (especially social,) memory problems, and a lot of other things. (I can go out-of-character and turn very manic, which makes me embarrassed about myself.)
I have identity problems, including suspecting other disorders and such, I have a lot of separate identities and well over six accounts, over ten emails, and other things related to that. I severely struggle with my self-image in general, but I also like delusions. (It's a love-hate relationship, sometimes being delusional helps me escape.)
It's hard to find things on-theme for this certain identity, but I have a few labels that I've found that might be able to suit me. Here are my Trans-ID, Tris-ID, and Cis-ID labels and how I feel about them.
Trans-IDs: Addict/Addiction, Alcoholic/Alcoholism, and Trans-SH (more as Trans-Severity, since I have a history with self-harm but I'm currently not practicing it, it's more mental in a sense.)
Tris-IDs: Weak/Weakness (I already experience this in general or occasionally in many different ways, that's the Cis-ID part, but the Trans-ID part would be weakness in the joints due to a mystery illness, reference to my source.) Perma-Nauseated (I'm aware this is a Perma-ID label, but I do frequently feel nauseous, and the Trans-ID part would be more severe or constant.)
Cis-IDs: Hypersexual (warning about this, I can have flare-ups, mood-swings, or phases of this and I feel highly ashamed about it since it can get triggered easily when I'm more manic,) BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder,) SZA (Schizoaffective Disorder, characterized by Schizophrenia and a mood disorder, it's Bipolar Disorder in my case,) anger/irritability issues, Hypochondria (I'm confused about this one, some sources say you need a diagnosis for this, but at the same time that doesn't seem correct to me.)
Suspected Things: BIID (Body Integrity Identity Disorder,) ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder, suspected by family members as well,) OSDD/severe identity issues (putting this here to be safe,) StPD (Schizotypal Personality Disorder, I genuinely cannot remember if my psychiatrist diagnosed me with this, a family member who was with me said he put it on the file but I don't know if he directly said I had it, and I'd rather have a diagnosis I can remember.)
I hope everybody reading this, including antis (despite the fact they aren't allowed to interact with me, and should stay in their own space, this also excludes the mean antis,) to have a nice day/night, or whatever time it currently is for you. I hope I can make new friends (or at least try.)
(Clarification: Civil antis are allowed to interact, but generally, I am most likely scared of you and will not interact with you. I'm too tired, exhausted, and brain-fogged for discourse. And what I mean by "excluding mean antis," I meant as in I hope they have a terrible, as in non-threatening, day. It's never okay to send death threats and stuff just because someone identifies as a certain thing.)
About contact and other stances: I'm still figuring it out, it's fluctuating but I'm oriented toward anti-contact for harmful/illegal paraphiles (not sure how to word it,) and generally pro-consent in all aspects of the matter. (I'm also still learning terminology.)
"Fly over me, evil angel; Why can't I breathe, evil angel?"⠀.⠀☆
i mean, if transitioning is what would make you content or happy or something then i think you should ..
-🦷
At first, it was a bit dysphoric in the way that I wanted it to get worse because the envy I had toward people was strong, but now I just feel like doing it for fun or forcing myself to do something for once. I just want to see how fucked up I can get.
I also have another account (with a weird typing habit thing) where I posted some of my personal experiences with paranoia and I wonder if you'd be interested in seeing it (I need people to be interested in me and to think I'm worth their time.)
If you want me to go away I can,, If you have anything more to say I'll listen though!!
-🦷
I feel like I need to talk about this to somebody anyway. It's a thing that can potentially ruin my life and everything so I'm a bit scared about that but I want to see how far I can go.
I'm not coherent right now. I'm feeling half-dissociated or disoriented, but I think you'll get what I mean.
I have an idea to do a little experiment into turning/transitioning into a character I've recently been somewhat hyperfixated on or interested in and I feel like it would be easy for me because we're both extremely mentally ill in a way.
I need to try subliminals again, but if I can't listen to them too much, then I have other resources to make it happen without them as well. The three things I can do are to worsen my psychosis, paranoia, and insomnia. I'm wondering which one I want to start off with first. I feel like I should start off with paranoia since that's the one that's the strongest in my life most of the time.
But the thing is this is a bit dangerous or irrational because this can be permanent. After all, again, I'm mentally ill by default and might start getting into more extreme methods like trying to alter memories and things like that.
Okay, I'm running out of words to reply with, and I don't know if I want you to give me more attention or if I want you to go away. I'm trying to figure something out.
to be fair id just take that guilt out on said person too .. cant feel guilty if you make it their fault
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Honestly, you're actually so right. It's their fault because they make you feel guilty, not yourself. They're the source of your guilt and honestly, they deserve to feel that guilt too.
technically if you think REAALLYYY hard about it comfort can be (and is) used as a manipulative tactict Or some shit i dont fucking know ( I say as someone who has manipulated multiple people with comfort )
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No yeah I was thinking about that just now. I would feel so guilty actually hurting someone but at the same time the urge is just there. It's excruciating to keep all your emotions bottled up.
