first-yr against the world or whatever the fuck

first year college student. 19/afab/any prns/europe. 📍trigger/content warning.

[college-journal]

well shit I guess hi. intro or fuckinf whatevr

name: seven/7/sev

every other shit is in bio, id say "minors dni" but that never stopped anyone so no fucking point. i block whatever and whenever the fuck i want, so. ya.

born filo but left at 6 and never came back and now i'm in europe, so there's gonna be some cultural dissonance hoohaa shit being mentioned or whatever. idk its whatever i feel like

mostly uni related but no shit personal shit is also gonna b on here.

I draw and mainly read ao3. thats basically it for now.

[college-journal]

project week starting in like a few minutes. 5 days full 8:30-5:30, plus my like 1hr40min commute back and forth hhhhhh. I want my bedddddd, grahhhhhhhh

also I deff flunked vcs last night LMAOOO, fuck that stupid ass fuck teacher augauhauuay. he the evil autism meme but like... /srs...

[college-journal]

vcs went to abominable shit but i really just need to take the positive lining from this bullshit, it was half-assed but I finally proved i could /do/ it. pull an all nighter on schoolwork? (technically, 12:30-4:30am?) sure i've fantasised about it for years, but I actually DID it??????

actual deadline is 29th. I guess it was worth it, having the fear struck into me lmao?

still though, you never realize how dysfunctional you really are till it's 1:30smth and you've almost raged multiple times over the fucking knife tool in illustrate only to finally ask chatgpt later and "oh. I just select it and press backspace on the keyboard? haha. ha. h a. (sounds of insanity)"

im surprised I didnt cuss louder or break anything or bit my arm or some shit lol. small wins ig

[college-journal]

let's see how badly I fucked up my education with my 1 week skip LMAO, I ain't ready for this fuckass french test and I haven't showered in like. a while

[college-journal]

1. law done, probably gonna have to retake everything on august. 2. I really need to sit down soon and just... write, on my journal. my physical one.

[college-journal]

oh yeah. I DID end up getting the burger cup btw. it sits in my dresser(?) and I just stash all my hair ties in it.

I need a fucking shower

[college-journal]

37 minutes away from law exam, I didn't study squat again, I'm definitely failing, trying not to think of it too much. Fuck this online exam format, why the hell does the results come out so early? Fuck this shit.

Literally just reading 80k words of mike angst instead of reviewing, like what even is the fucking point? What am I doing here in this country? In this fucking school?

God. I should probably respond to all the messages from my friends, fuck sake.

[college-journal]

literally outside the room right now, 30 minutes before the first exam of my first year in college starts. and I have not studied anything/srs, i'm definitely failing this and having to retake.

fun fact: its a bit hard to compartmentalise an experience and reason away your failures, when it hasn't happened yet but the result is set in stone, lol.

[hometoursandotherstuff]

This is really clever. I wonder how long it took her to find all of these.

[college-journal]

going back home tomorrow for like a month. then exams. i need to not fail these exams. need to fucking pass, need to make my years long unhealthy study fantasy into actual fucking reality because i cannot do this shit, i fucking cant. dont know the next time i'll be back home after this, gonna try to enjoy it even if it obviously is changed. its all downhill from here folks. also how to speedrun becoming a different person in less than a month?

[college-journal]

god I hate everything and I hate myself

why am I so dirty and fuckinf unclean

I hate this shit i hate this shit why am I so fucking morbidly obese I hate all the people around me

funny how i was managing to enjoy class so much then boom boredom trickles and my mood is instantly fucking ruined by messages from the renter lady. is this what it feels like for someone to have power over you? constant fucking anxiety? gods I finally started to feel neutral about the WA notification sounds and now im hating/dreading it all fucking over again. I hate this i hate her I hate him, I hate /him/ being around him makes me feel so fucking stupid and worthless and retarded.

"pointing like that is rude, did [Mother] and [Father] never teach you that?" fuck you asshole? after the trouble you make for them? you want to go back to [X] so bad and to your fucking "second family"? you can video call them but can't even fucking message your own Mother? fuck you. fuck you fuck you. how. even after failing so horribly. are you still so much fucking better than me. fuck you for being born and fuck me for being born defected. I fucking hate everything.

I hate this class i hate everyone around me i hate this i hate everything. even the room i sleep in and the bed i sleep on aren't mine. "renter" fuck you.

[college-journal]

wow. unrelated to class but I loathe these little moments where I feel like a complete fucking retard for always clinging to these random people for no reason. I want her back. God fucking dammit I just want her back, all these replacements, even if they don't feel like it, I know on some conscious level its what my fucking heart is trying to do and I don't fjcking know anymore.

just. focus. we came here for school. all these random people are nothing but distractions. focus focus focus. you are nothing without this. you can't go back to that hell. shut your ears to the world and busy your hands.

[college-journal]

"growth mindset" gods i know i'm not a racist and this bitch is just fucking annoying but gods i already fucking loathe your stupid ass. not even to the asshole that gave my answer because this retarded blind teacher can't see a bitch at the fucking front seat raising their hand but to fucking /you/, gods i hate you and hope you fucking die alone in a fucking ditch somewhere you worthless fuck