four years ago, i left adam’s apartment & sobbed in my car asking “what do i do with your key”
to which he said, “throw it away”
and it crushed me.
i felt like i was being thrown away.
i felt absolutely numb.
like a shell of a human.
and i didn’t know when i’d feel real again.
and then i met you.
and it’s like the world became colorful again.
what a human you are.
real, messy, genuine,
lost.
and i saw myself in you.
i’ve loved you for your flaws.
because you hold them in ways i understand.
i just feel lost at sea without you sometimes.
like i found an oasis that turned into isolation.
and abandonment.
and the best thing i’ve ever known.
today you searched your room for traces of me to personally erase from your life.
like we were shaking an etch-a-sketch of a lifetime of memories, growth, learning
into nothing but particles in the air.
and i told you to throw away whatever else you found.
i know there are so many more lifetimes available for us.
i just want them to be better than the best i’ve known.
because it also came with the worst.
but i want you to have the best.
of the world,
of your life,
and hopefully,
of me.
so that i can savor those bests with you again.
and you with me.
i hope this isn’t us throwing each other away.
i’m always here.
you’re my best friend, joshua.
always.
