Commander Eric Shepard @commander-eric-shepard - Tumblr Blog

Jack, what the hell was that about? I heard that from my cabin!

“Nonya.”

commander-eric-shepard:

Should I subtly encourage one of them to make a move?

Samara will turn his ass down.

…tell the old man to go ahead. Make his move. Make sure I’m around or at least video it so I can see how hard he gets burned.

You can ask Kasumi to rig something for you, but I’m not getting THAT involved.

Oh come on. If you’re subtly encouraging this interaction and for the old man to get shot down because he damned well knows she doesn’t have a damn thing for him but he’s too fuckin’ stubborn to ever say ‘no’ you gotta capture that

Humiliating my crew members isn't really in my job description... but like I said, ask Kasumi, she's pretty nosy.

[MSG] Jack, your varren got into the pantry again

[MSG] And?

[MSG] Make sure to videotape it so we can show other varren owners. [MSG] This may be the first step to getting a varren Olympics.

[MSG] …what are Olympics?

#jacksubjectzero #[[Sorry my muse took a break]]

[MSG] Old Earth tradition [MSG] People crazy good at sports compete [MSG] Winners get medals [MSG] Or a varren treat as the case may be

[MSG] Jack, your varren got into the pantry again

[MSG] And?

[MSG] I have connections and friends in all the right places

[MSG] Tell someone on the Normandy to make him better shields

[MSG] You’re Commander fuckin’ Shepard. Throw your damn weight around

[MSG] I suppose I could put Tali or Kasumi on the job [MSG] I usually use my status to get extra umbrellas for drinks [MSG] How about an umbrella for Eezo’s water dish?

[MSG] Umbrella and one of those twirly straws

[MSG] The straws that make crazy shapes? [MSG] Does he know how to use a straw?

[MSG] What’s that saying? [MSG] If there’s a desire there’s a way? [MSG] I fucking don’t know [MSG] What I do know is that I am going to teach my varren to drink from a crazy shaped straw [MSG] And shields

[MSG] Make sure to videotape it so we can show other varren owners. [MSG] This may be the first step to getting a varren Olympics.

Jack, what the hell was that about? I heard that from my cabin!

“Nonya.”

Yeah, I think “clean my rifle” was a euphemism. Why do you think you have a better chance than him?

Because I’m me and he’s him?

Yes, but Samara’s Samara. As Zaeed mentioned, she certainly has a "soft side.“ What do you have that counters that?

…because I’m not Zaeed?

Shit, I got confused. Maybe that last blow to my head last mission rattled something around… So to correct myself here, what do you have that counters the way Zaeed says “goddamn”?

*Blinks*

He got a good laugh out of my ‘for the sake of fuck’.

Should I subtly encourage one of them to make a move?

Samara will turn his ass down.

…tell the old man to go ahead. Make his move. Make sure I’m around or at least video it so I can see how hard he gets burned.

You can ask Kasumi to rig something for you, but I'm not getting THAT involved.

rpmememaker

Put 'Confess!' plus an accusation about my muse in my ask, and my muse will confess whether it's true or not!

aeviaras

Here’s some examples to start you off-

Confess! Are you turned on by [insert kink here]?

Confess! Do you like [insert name here]?

Confess! Is it true that you once [insert odd/silly activity here]?

Confess! Are you scared of [insert fear here]?

Confess! Did you cry during [insert movie here]

Jack, what the hell was that about? I heard that from my cabin!

“Nonya.”

Yeah, I think “clean my rifle” was a euphemism. Why do you think you have a better chance than him?

Because I’m me and he’s him?

Yes, but Samara’s Samara. As Zaeed mentioned, she certainly has a "soft side.“ What do you have that counters that?

…because I’m not Zaeed?

Shit, I got confused. Maybe that last blow to my head last mission rattled something around… So to correct myself here, what do you have that counters the way Zaeed says “goddamn”?

*Blinks*

He got a good laugh out of my ‘for the sake of fuck’.

Should I subtly encourage one of them to make a move?

[MSG] Jack, your varren got into the pantry again

[MSG] And?

[MSG] And then put the helmets back on them? [MSG] Nice

[MSG] Before or after they’re dead

[MSG] Before

[MSG] Pictures

[MSG] And steal their boots

[MSG] Definitely before [MSG] Wait what [MSG] Why steal their boots?

[MSG] Because

[MSG] Don’t ask questions

[MSG] I’m naturally curious [MSG] Indulge me

[MSG] No

[MSG] You’re going to wait and see

[MSG] If he’s gonna come on our missions, he’ll need his own shields you know [MSG] I’m not sure they make ‘em for varren

[MSG] I have connections and friends in all the right places

[MSG] Tell someone on the Normandy to make him better shields

[MSG] You’re Commander fuckin’ Shepard. Throw your damn weight around

[MSG] I suppose I could put Tali or Kasumi on the job [MSG] I usually use my status to get extra umbrellas for drinks [MSG] How about an umbrella for Eezo’s water dish?

[MSG] Umbrella and one of those twirly straws

[MSG] The straws that make crazy shapes? [MSG] Does he know how to use a straw?

Jack, what the hell was that about? I heard that from my cabin!

“Nonya.”

…I know the old bastard has that expensive, hard-hitting tequila. That’s where I got the idea from!

…Did you hit it already? *Frowns, squinting at Shepard* A thing? What are you? Eleven?

Ah, figures. [He fakes a prepubescent voice.] I’m eleven AND A HALF! [Returns to his regular voice.] Yeah, I’m pretty sure he wants to cuddle with you and/or do the do. He feels similarly about Samara, I think.

….*Stares blankly at Shepard after his pre-puberty voice.

Sneeeeeeerks*

He wants to cuddle anything that’ll suck his dick. He’s a pervy old shit.

..or he’s into the unobtainable.

I’d have a better chance bedding Samara than he does. *Mutters* Ass

Yeah, I think “clean my rifle” was a euphemism. Why do you think you have a better chance than him?

Because I’m me and he’s him?

Yes, but Samara’s Samara. As Zaeed mentioned, she certainly has a "soft side.“ What do you have that counters that?

…because I’m not Zaeed?

#jacksubjectzero #[[SHIT FUCK I FUCKED IT UP]]

Shit, I got confused. Maybe that last blow to my head last mission rattled something around... So to correct myself here, what do you have that counters the way Zaeed says "goddamn"?

[MSG] Jack, your varren got into the pantry again

[MSG] And?

[MSG] And then put the helmets back on them? [MSG] Nice

[MSG] Before or after they’re dead

[MSG] Before

[MSG] Pictures

[MSG] And steal their boots

[MSG] Definitely before [MSG] Wait what [MSG] Why steal their boots?

[MSG] Because

[MSG] Don’t ask questions

[MSG] I’m naturally curious [MSG] Indulge me

[MSG] No

[MSG] You’re going to wait and see

[MSG] If he’s gonna come on our missions, he’ll need his own shields you know [MSG] I’m not sure they make ‘em for varren

[MSG] I have connections and friends in all the right places

[MSG] Tell someone on the Normandy to make him better shields

[MSG] You’re Commander fuckin’ Shepard. Throw your damn weight around

[MSG] I suppose I could put Tali or Kasumi on the job [MSG] I usually use my status to get extra umbrellas for drinks [MSG] How about an umbrella for Eezo's water dish?

Jack, what the hell was that about? I heard that from my cabin!

“Nonya.”

Red sand’s one hell of a drug.

And so is tequila

Quite the combination. Just a heads up - I’m pretty sure Zaeed has some expensive, hard-hitting tequila stowed away somewhere, if you need a drinking buddy. [He lowers his voice a bit.] I think he has a thing for you by the way.

…I know the old bastard has that expensive, hard-hitting tequila. That’s where I got the idea from!

…Did you hit it already? *Frowns, squinting at Shepard* A thing? What are you? Eleven?

Ah, figures. [He fakes a prepubescent voice.] I’m eleven AND A HALF! [Returns to his regular voice.] Yeah, I’m pretty sure he wants to cuddle with you and/or do the do. He feels similarly about Samara, I think.

….*Stares blankly at Shepard after his pre-puberty voice.

Sneeeeeeerks*

He wants to cuddle anything that’ll suck his dick. He’s a pervy old shit.

..or he’s into the unobtainable.

I’d have a better chance bedding Samara than he does. *Mutters* Ass

Yeah, I think “clean my rifle” was a euphemism. Why do you think you have a better chance than him?

Because I’m me and he’s him?

Yes, but Samara's Samara. As Zaeed mentioned, she certainly has a "soft side." What do you have that counters that?

[MSG] Jack, your varren got into the pantry again

[MSG] And?

[MSG] And then put the helmets back on them? [MSG] Nice

[MSG] Before or after they’re dead

[MSG] Before

[MSG] Pictures

[MSG] And steal their boots

[MSG] Definitely before [MSG] Wait what [MSG] Why steal their boots?

[MSG] Because

[MSG] Don’t ask questions

[MSG] I’m naturally curious [MSG] Indulge me

[MSG] No

[MSG] You’re going to wait and see

[MSG] If he's gonna come on our missions, he'll need his own shields you know [MSG] I'm not sure they make 'em for varren

[MSG] Jack, your varren got into the pantry again

[MSG] And?

[MSG] And then put the helmets back on them? [MSG] Nice

[MSG] Before or after they’re dead

[MSG] Before

[MSG] Pictures

[MSG] And steal their boots

[MSG] Definitely before [MSG] Wait what [MSG] Why steal their boots?

[MSG] Because

[MSG] Don’t ask questions

[MSG] I'm naturally curious [MSG] Indulge me

Jack, what the hell was that about? I heard that from my cabin!

“Nonya.”

Red sand’s one hell of a drug.

And so is tequila

Quite the combination. Just a heads up - I’m pretty sure Zaeed has some expensive, hard-hitting tequila stowed away somewhere, if you need a drinking buddy. [He lowers his voice a bit.] I think he has a thing for you by the way.

…I know the old bastard has that expensive, hard-hitting tequila. That’s where I got the idea from!

…Did you hit it already? *Frowns, squinting at Shepard* A thing? What are you? Eleven?

Ah, figures. [He fakes a prepubescent voice.] I’m eleven AND A HALF! [Returns to his regular voice.] Yeah, I’m pretty sure he wants to cuddle with you and/or do the do. He feels similarly about Samara, I think.

….*Stares blankly at Shepard after his pre-puberty voice.

Sneeeeeeerks*

He wants to cuddle anything that’ll suck his dick. He’s a pervy old shit.

..or he’s into the unobtainable.

I’d have a better chance bedding Samara than he does. *Mutters* Ass

Yeah, I think "clean my rifle" was a euphemism. Why do you think you have a better chance than him?

[[Decent birthday overall.]]

#[[OOC]]

[MSG] Jack, your varren got into the pantry again

[MSG] And?

[MSG] Well… [MSG] If you can train him to do that and buy the armor yourself [MSG] Why the hell not. [MSG] Just be aware that that puts him in danger. [MSG] And you’d be in charge of controlling him.

[MSG] Eezo is the shit, Shep

[MSG] We let Grunt run the fuck around with a fucking Cain and let him loose on others!

[MSG] I mean if we can control Grunt

[MSG] I can fuckin’ control my varren

[MSG] He’s my shitmonster alright?

[MSG] Fair point [MSG] If anyone could control him I guess it’d be you [MSG] I hope by “shitmonster” you don’t mean he’s gonna crap all over the ship

[MSG] HE’S FUCKING GODSDAMN POTTY TRAINED SHEP

[MSG] For that he’ll shit in your boots

[MSG] I’m gonna need a demonstration of that [MSG] A potty trained varren sounds like a circus act [MSG] Note to self: always check footwear before putting it on

[MSG] Always a great idea there

[MSG] And I’ll prove it to you when we bring him on the mission

[MSG] I may let him shit in the helmets of our enemies

[MSG] And then put the helmets back on them? [MSG] Nice

[MSG] Before or after they’re dead

[MSG] Before

[MSG] Pictures

[MSG] And steal their boots

[MSG] Definitely before [MSG] Wait what [MSG] Why steal their boots?

Jack, what the hell was that about? I heard that from my cabin!

“Nonya.”

She has a tattoo? She’s never mentioned it… I guess it’s never really come up in conversation. [His eyes glaze over for a few seconds, as if daydreaming, then refocuses.] We’ll have to see how high she can jump sometime I guess. [He chuckles.] You have a point, but even my fists can’t crack a turian’s natural plating.

Believe me. Quarians can jump. Those fuckers and their legs… *tsktsks with a shake of her head* Never bet any sort when it comes to jumping and shit. They’re tough fuckers.

Quarians do have nice legs… You have experience being on the wrong end of a bet like that I take it?

What? Me? No.. never. No. *Shifty eyes. ..then a shrug* Okay. Maybe.

How on earth did you find yourself betting on quarians jumping??

Red sand’s one hell of a drug.

And so is tequila

Quite the combination. Just a heads up - I’m pretty sure Zaeed has some expensive, hard-hitting tequila stowed away somewhere, if you need a drinking buddy. [He lowers his voice a bit.] I think he has a thing for you by the way.

…I know the old bastard has that expensive, hard-hitting tequila. That’s where I got the idea from!

…Did you hit it already? *Frowns, squinting at Shepard* A thing? What are you? Eleven?

Ah, figures. [He fakes a prepubescent voice.] I'm eleven AND A HALF! [Returns to his regular voice.] Yeah, I'm pretty sure he wants to cuddle with you and/or do the do. He feels similarly about Samara, I think.