BE STRONG, SAITH MY HEART

ALL TURNED TO HEARTBEAT AND ALL I AM IS ALL HOPE. indie commander jane shepard written by casey

[commcnds]

turixn‌:

Settling into the space created for him at her side, Garrus continues to look over the never-ending expanse before them. Looking at it from this perspective ( so quiet and so serene )  almost made him forget the trials and tribulations that they were going through. Almost

A gentle sigh escapes him as his mind begins to drift elsewhere, only brought back by the softness of her voice. It’s quietness was nothing new to him, he’d heard her speak this way before, but in the tranquility of where they were and how they were with one another he couldn’t help but feel something more from it. He doesn’t reply straight away, humming only in agreement after a couple of minutes, seemingly lost in the moment. It wouldn’t be the first time he’d lost himself this way and it certainly wouldn’t be the last. Tilting his head slightly to indicate she had his attention, Garrus listened in silence as she recalled a tale from her childhood to him. It was still a somewhat raw feeling whenever she blessed him with snippets of her life before being COMMANDER SHEPARD and he cherished each one gladly. “Yeah,” he breathed in response, finally, unable to equate what he was feeling into words. There had been several small moments when they had been alone and each time the wave of his emotions seemed to roar louder and louder until it became a crescendo, so close to reaching it’s terrifying and glorious peak. Would now be the moment it would strike? Would now be the moment to end all other moments like this? It was times like this that he was his most uncertain. The small relief of her smile pulls him back from himself and he follows it like a beacon, focusing it in his memory and using it to stabilize himself. Now he could follow her words and do what he was there to do; offer advice. “It is a lot,” he began, nodding slightly, deftly moving a step closer to her, eyes now watching her face with a mixture of fond confidence, “but I know there’s no one in this Galaxy that can handle it, but you.” It was the truth. All he ever spoke to her was the truth. A clawed hand comes to her shoulder, the tip of a talon daring to gently brush the underside of her jaw. “I feel small sometimes, it’s natural Shepard. Don’t worry so much about it,” he tilted his head slightly to explore her expression, wanting only to take her doubts away; to help her, in any way he could.

she knows he means it as a compliment, as a sign of assurance and trust, but the weight of it all still bears on her shoulders. it might have panicked her once, sent her heart leaping up into her throat and cause her fingers to shake like they had back when she was a little girl, but somehow, shepard isn’t startled by it now. as enormous and frightening an understanding as it may be, she does understand now. if not her, then who? 

briefly tensing in surprise as a talon moves along her jaw, the moment passes just as quickly as the sensation isn’t nearly so unfamiliar as she might have expected. (if anything, it seems more natural than alien.) “it’s humbling, all of this.” her chin tilts upwards, towards the vastness before them. “even if it still freaks me out, most of the time.” 

she’s still for a moment, features contemplative, and then shifts to lean her head against garrus’ shoulder. it takes a moment to adjust, find the angle to lay her cheek along the ridge of his shoulder, but it works. “do you ever think things will be normal again? between you and me, normal sort of sucked, for me, anyway. i’d love just-, some kind of happy medium. nothing too batshit crazy and maybe not gunfire quite so often.” 

[commcnds]

turixn‌:

It wasn’t unusual for Garrus to stay up late, often tinkering with his calibrations down in the Main Battery. It was a place he felt comfortable but there were times when even he began to get restless with his own monotonous routine. Sighing in frustration, this was one of those times. Thus he left the quiet hum of the Main Battery and stepped out into the empty halls of the Normandy. With no real sense of what direction to take he merely wandered, his feet stepping lightly so as not to awaken or alarm anyone who may have been lurking about at such an ungodly hour. However as he himself lurked about he found his thoughts drifting and spoke out in a quiet tone to EDI for the location of the Commander. Once she had replied his feet found purpose, and soon he was exiting the elevator and met her visage. A small chuckle follows her comment and he shakes his head, sauntering up to her with his casual charm, eyes turning to the dark expanse that spread out before them. “I figured I could say the same to you,” he retorted softly, “so I suppose we’re at an impasse.” It was true that both were as stubborn as each other when it came to the well being of others and as he stood at her side and took in the gentle curves of her face he realized, perhaps, the reason why. Why she often took priority in his thoughts, as selfish as it made him out to be. Shaking his head lightly Garrus focused his gaze upon the black expanse in front of them, enjoying the simplistic view of white specks on black, before he finally spoke out softly. “It’s beautiful like this, isn’t it, Shepard?”

fair enough. both of them have never exactly excelled in the art of taking orders or, at the very least, followed them as loosely as possible. she shifts over to allow him space, arm rising to rest against the window as she leans forward. “yeah,” shepard nods after a moment, “it is. i guess i just never realized how immense it all was before.” 

it sounds stupid to say aloud, but she suspects garrus won’t hold it against her. it had always been full of wonder, an expanse beyond her reckoning, but the enormity of it all hadn’t quite clicked until the weight and fate of it was finally on her shoulders. “i remember being a kid and hearing about all the exciting things up in space, all the weird worlds out in the stars. finally made my way up here, huh?” a flash of a smile at the memory before her expression grows thoughtful. “but being out here now? it’s just...jesus, garrus, it’s a lot,  you know?”

she’s never been particularly eloquent and feels it now, like her tongue can’t form all that she wants to say with the precision she aches for, but decides to try nonetheless. “it makes me feel really small, sometimes. well, most of the time. i still haven’t decided if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.” 

[commcnds]

@turixn​

she comes up here sometimes, when the bulk of the normandy’s crew is resting and the only one around to bother her is joker. the main bay is quieter now, the normal chatter and audible controls silenced, and it’s easier to think like this. jane can think in the midst of chaos just as easily, a trait that’s helped keep her alive all this time, but this? sometimes the peace is preferable. 

she stares out the bay window at the glittering darkness beyond, content even if only for a few minutes. the elevator door clicks across the room and there’s a quick glance over her shoulder. a little nod follows. “you should be asleep, garrus.” her gaze turns back to the wide galaxy only a few thick planes of plastic away. “not exactly the role model when it comes to that, but figured i’d at least try and tell you.”

[commcnds]

turixn:

The sound of her genuine laughter, a small ripple that left behind a beautiful legacy, had Garrus forcing down a grin ( lest he scare any passing women or children ) though he struggled. There were many things about her that he regarded with awe and respect, but her laughter was among the most astonishing. It was rare delight and a delight that he had been blessed with far too often in his short time with her than he was deserving of. Taking a moment to regard her and the rich sound coming from her lips, Garrus soon pulled himself out of his fantasy and quickly looked away to focus on anything remotely not her. After all, she was his Commander and even though it wasn’t against any rules to fraternize he respected her too much to view her in such a light or so he convinced himself for now. Settling on the task at hand he continued to scan his eyes over the catalog kiosk before him, humming lowly. Though he tried to accept and set aside the memories of Omega, he knew that it wouldn’t be so simply to let the memories be committed to dust. Not only that but the memories had scarred him, literally, so it was difficult to put it behind him. “What can I say, I’m a loyal soldier Shepard,” Garrus mused casually, casting a glance to her, “and I’m more loyal to you than anything else.” Although the gravity of his words escaped him, he saw it only as the truth. A truth that he would go to his grave maintaining.

another reminder that she doesn’t think she’s earned his loyalty nor earned the loyalty of so many others, of the crew she still misses desperately. everything is familiar and yet slightly off; from the new normandy to even the citadel itself. “glad to hear a few years hasn’t changed anything,” shepard muses quietly, grateful to have her face all but shoved towards a pistol to mask how touched she is, “i’m lucky to have you.” 

there’s a flush creeping up her cheeks now, settling in amongst the new scars. she fiddles with a few loose strands of auburn hair, tucking them behind an ear. “anything catching your interest?” she turns her back and peers at another assault rifle, suddenly struggling to keep eye contact. she’s not good with emotions, never has been, and the citadel is somehow overwhelming her now and there’s something churning deep in her gut. gratitude? warmth? 

she nips at the corner of her lip with a little sigh, glancing over her shoulder. “like i said, sky’s the limit, big guy. go wild.” 

[commcnds]

turixn:

Perhaps a small part of him wished that he had considered taking at least one drink, though overall the turian was grateful that he had politely declined. It was difficult enough to fathom the varying tempest of emotions that flowed within him, never mind the confusion and complexity that an alcoholic daze would add to it all. And even though he knew there was little he could do about it Garrus wished that she hadn’t drank as much and as quickly as she had, seeing that it was only helping to mask her pain rather than solve. Though that was what the talking was for, he rationalized in conclusion. Worry? Oh, Garrus would never not worry about her when she ever slipped into these thresholds, and there was nothing that either of them could do about that. It came with being an extremely loyal person at heart. “Yeah,” he breathed in response, “I know the feeling well.” It was the truth. everything he was keeping hidden about Omega and his own crew had been slowly eating him up inside, corrupting every moment, making him obsessed. Shepard had been the one to set him free of it, and he would do the same for her. It feel odd and yet natural to embrace her, for it isn’t the first time they’ve been close to one another. It’s just the situation that changed the dynamic of things. Skin to skin contact was never his strong suit, and although he had had the odd passionate encounter it never had so many feelings attached to it to cause a stir. Feeling her press closer caused a rumble to sound in his chest, reminiscent of a purr, his own eyes closing briefly as he drank in the moment. “I’m not that good, Shepard,” he chuckled, “but I’ll take it from you.” He wanted to lighten the mood, but found it difficult.

“Yeah,” he agreed when she spoke, sub-vocals humming as he did so. That place, Pragia and the Cerberus facility, was incredibly fucked. He was glad that they had blown it up and reduced it to ashes. He’d noticed the sharpness of her tone, though it hadn’t caused him to pull away. In fact he felt himself coming closer, meeting her when she pulled herself closer too. With a small nudge and shift he’d moved so that he could press his head to hers, his cheek resting on her temple. he could smell the dampness of her hair and the scent of her shampoo; simple, yet beautiful. “No, no one deserves what happened there,“ he repeated, knowing that the words were hollow since nothing like that would ever come about again, not so long as they were still breathing.

“yeah, you are,” she states nearly defensively, “i’ve known a whole lot of people from a hell of a lot of places, garrus. you’re the best of them.” she’d say the same thing sober, though perhaps not as boldly or with the quiet conviction lacing through her words now. the alcohol’s relaxed her posture and her tongue, the caution that normally dictated her speech easing. a hand comes to rub at her eyes with another sigh. “jesus, i don’t know what i’d do without you.” 

garrus is steady, garrus is unshakeable. garrus is the one certain thing in an uncertain universe.

his cheek comes to rest against her brow and it isn’t all that awkward. if anything, shepard thinks they fit together well. somehow, their vastly different forms and angles fit together neatly. “i would’ve burned it down myself, i think, even if jack hadn’t asked,” she remarks quietly, putting the recognition into words for the first time, “i think there’s a lot of places i’d be happy to burn down if i’m honest with myself.” 

they all look at her as some kind of savior, some blend of courage and kindness, but shepard fears there’s more just beneath the surface. there’s anger and bitterness and a cold, unflinching fury that remains subdued but for when she needs it most. it had risen to the surface on pragia, only to rescind now within the quiet of her cabin and the warmth of garrus against her bruised form. “thanks for coming, garrus,” she finally murmurs and her eyes close again, her form nestled against his own, “i’m glad you’re here.”

[commcnds]

turixn:

Although he tried to keep his stance relaxed, his back leaning back against the couch, Garrus couldn’t help how his expression ( namely his EYES ) betrayed his concern. Agitation at being unable to remedy her currently turmoil made his plates itch and his own temper flare; he hated seeing his Commander, his friend, in such a state, especially over a topic such as brutal and barbaric as this. Pragia should never have happened, Garrus would wholeheartedly agree on that, and so should much of Shepard’s own pain in life, but he couldn’t change either of them so he needed to settle for simply listening to her as she came to terms with the horror of it. In truth, despite the overwhelming negativity of the situation that had put them together Garrus felt a small amount of pride. He had been blessed with being one of her closest confidants, and with it came an exclusive responsibility to give her help when needed, not that he wouldn’t have done so on his own initiative anyway. Watching her closely, Garrus gave a simple nod as she heaved a heavy sigh, another sign that this mission had affected her deeply, the pain driving within to mingle with that which already lingered from the past. His keen eye then looked over the glass she held in her hand for a brief moment, studying the alcohol; dark, heavy. It was no doubt the strongest she could het her hands on in the ships stores, something that again betrayed how on edge the mission had made her. It was these small signs that Garrus had come to notice and memorize in time, useful for when situations like these arose. When she offered him a bring he politely declined, raising his hand with a small shake of his head. “No thanks, Shepard, I’m fine. I’m too focused on you,” he mused softly, feeling too on edge himself to even contemplate having a drink at that moment.

“No one, is Shepard,” he then hummed lowly to her, “and I completely agree.” The lingering gaze froze him for a moment, mostly from how downtrodden she looked, but also from the fact it led to her coming close to him, resting her head on his shoulder. Instinctively the arm that had been resting on the back of the couch came to gently rest about her shoulders, his three-digit hand giving her shoulder a reassuring squeeze. “You’re not my Commander right now Shepard,” he explained, voice low and just for her, despite them being the only ones in the room, “you’re my friend and I’m here so you can let it all out.”

she almost wishes he would drink, though the more sober part of her recognizes that he’s not doing so out of care. she knows that it’s probably healthier if she talks about her feelings more often, that they have doctors for all of this sort of thing, but at the end of the day she’s survived well enough on her own so far. “i’ll be ok, honestly,” the last thing shepard wants is for him, or anyone else for that matter, to worry, “things just...catch up sometimes, all at once.”

the weight of his arm against her shoulders is unexpected but not unwelcoming. he’s warmer than she might have expected and the scales on his arm nearly make her ticklish. shepard is still for a moment, then settles against him all the more. “you’re a good guy, garrus. alien, guy-,” a lazy shrug and another sip of her drink, “you know what i mean.”

she doesn’t deserve him, she thinks, and that makes her all the more grateful for him. “that whole place was fucked, garrus,” there’s a sharper edge to her words now, cutting through the exhaustion and the faintest slur that’s accompanied the alcohol, “everything they did to jack-, she makes sense.” her teeth nip at the corner of her lips and shepard sighs again, eyes closing as she rests her head tighter against his shoulder. “i shouldn’t have been so dismissive of her, should’ve...fuck, i don’t know, i should’ve been kinder to her.” this is the closest they’ve ever been, she realizes, without wearing armor. this is the closest she’s been to anyone while not wearing armor in years. a final sip of her drink before the glass is placed down carefully. “nobody deserves what happened on that place.”

[commcnds]

turixn:

Garrus had been unfortunate enough to miss the shore party shuttle on the Pragia mission, finding an unexpected issue with the Main Battery systems overtaking his time despite wanting to be in on the action. In truth and in hindsight it was probably a good thing that he had remained behind because he would have just been infuriated with the facts that he would have uncovered there ( some of which he was already now aware of and furious over ) and thus compromised as a soldier. His hotheadedness had mellowed over time, but there were still things that stoked the fires of rage beneath his steely composure, and using children and torturing them into biotic weapons? Oh, that was certainly one of them. Of course, this didn’t justify the actions that their latest, murderous crew member had taken in her life, but at least he understood her reasoning behind it. That was enough for him; he didn’t need to like it, nor did he, but he at least could say he understands it. However Garrus pushed all that aside the moment the shore party had returned and Shepard had sequestered herself in her quarters, no doubt nursing a bottle of strong alcohol to ease the memories. He knew little about her life on Earth, though he knew snippets well enough to know that a mission such as this one would affect her more than normal, thus he took it upon himself to seek her out and check on her. Entering her cabin he carefully stepped to where she sat on her small communal couch, hair wet and feet bare, sporting her signature N7 issued hoodie to boot; definitely not a good sign. Coming to her silently he settled at her side on the couch, hearing her small voice speak apologies, to which he hummed lowly. “Shepard, it’s okay,” he assured her softly, voice low and non-threatening, while he hazard a talon to come and gently brush a strange of wet hair from her cheek. “I understand. Take your time,” he added, knowing that she would talk, or not, in her own time, he simply wanted to be there for her. In truth he could have been regarded as selfish, for he was taking this as an opportunity to be closer to her without the lingering weight of missions or the other members of the crew looming over them; he wanted time to assess his feelings, and what better chance than when he was comforting her?

she shouldn’t be doing this. emotions are best left kept in check and thoroughly out of sight of others. it’s always easier that way, she’d learned, emotions had a nasty habit of getting you killed if you weren’t careful with them and now, they’re churning inside of her and it’s all enough that shepard feels practically nauseous. 

but it’s garrus and that changes things, somehow, even if she can’t quite put into words just why or how. there’s a heavy sigh and she leans forward to retrieve her glass and finishes off the now lukewarm drink with a toss of her head. it burns on the way down and she grimaces, hissing in a quick breath before pouring another. “there’s another glass on the counter if this stuff won’t kill you,” shepard offers quietly, giving it a quick swirl thoughtfully. 

“i don’t-,” she scrunches her nose, searching for words that don’t seem to come, “i’m not good with stuff with kids, alright? earth wasn’t great growing and pragia? that whole place should’ve been burned to the ground years ago.” 

another toss of her head followed by a sharp gasp for air, eyes closing and jesus, there’s a reason she doesn’t drink all that often. shepard turns to look at garrus for a long moment, tired gaze discerning, and then shifts to rest her head against the thick plate covering his shoulder. “i’m sorry, this isn’t exactly an example of inspiring leadership, is it?”

[commcnds]

@turixn

 there’s an opened bottle of whiskey on the counter and a neglected glass in front of her when garrus opens the doors. she’s been quiet ever since they got back from pragia, retreated to her cabin without any real conversation with the rest of the crew. shepard’s nestled in her old n7 hoodie now, feet bare and wet hair tied back in a lazy bun. 

“that was fucked,” she states quietly, simply, “well, jack makes a lot more sense now, i guess. can’t say i blame her for any of it.” it being the anger, the viciousness. it’d been a place to breed monsters. a long sigh and shepard rubs at her eyes with the heels of her hands. “i’m sorry, garrus, it’s just...that was a lot.”

[sandcvstles]

hurt meme.

“ i got you. it’s gonna be okay, you’re going to be okay.”

“i feel like everyone’s miles away from me.”

“my mind is a dark place. you don’t want to be there.”

“i know this hurts, but you have to stay awake.”

“don’t close your eyes, please don’t close your eyes!”

“i just want to be numb, i don’t want to feel anything.”

“please don’t do this, don’t act like you care.”

“you don’t care, nobody cares, just leave.”

“you’re my friend, of course i fucking care.”

“i can’t give up on you, so please don’t give up on yourself.”

“i love you so much, i forgot what hating myself felt like.”

“i fucked up, why do you not care?”

“i can’t walk, just go on without me.”

“you have broken ribs, take it easy.”

“i have no idea how to do cpr.”

“whose blood is that?”

“apply pressure to the wound, don’t let go.”

“don’t you dare fucking let go!” 

“what the hell happened to you?” 

“are they dead? did you kill them?” 

“do you know what you’ve done?” 

“you’re either with me or against me.” 

“who the hell did this to you?” 

“are you alright? you hit your head pretty hard…” 

“i can’t see!! what’s happening to me?” 

“when was the last time you ate?” 

“what do you mean you’re fine? you are not fine!” 

 “i’m fine, it’s just a flesh wound, i’ll be okay.” 

“for how long? how long were you bottling this up?“ 

“there’s so much blood, you won’t last.” 

“are you… throwing up in there?” 

“why aren’t you eating?” 

“just breathe… you’re okay, i promise, just breathe.” 

“i can’t breathe, i can’t –” 

"i woke up, & you were gone.” 

“just tell me something, was it really worth it?” 

"it’s okay to hurt & breakdown. you don’t have to be strong all the time.”

[commcnds]

turixn:

“Yeah, maybe, but at least there’s never a dull moment around you,” Garrus shrugged meagerly at her comment, smirking slightly as his gaze fell upon her. He then feigned a look of shock, hands coming up in defense of himself; an over dramatization of course. “Me? Why, I’m profoundly insulted Shepard that you would think that of me!” Her words came from a place of humor and friendly banter, this he knew, although a small part of him sometimes wondered if their prior actions had any influence over their current predicaments ( not that he was religious or anything ) and, on occasion, did spare a moment or two contemplating such thoughts. Right now however he was drawn back to the moment, and to her, chuckling with a shake of his head. “Mhm,” he hummed lowly, the sound a resonating, yet somewhat distorted, purr rumbling in his throat, “now that sounds like my kind of shopping trip, Shepard, you really know how to show a guy a good time,” he teased, nodding. Onward, says she, and so onward he goes. Motioning her to follow with his hand, Garrus stepped off in the direction of Rodam Expeditions, knowing that the turian shopkeeper there stocked all the latest in weaponry and mods, including the ones that he had been seeking to scope out.

“Check out the range on that scope, Shepard,” Garrus commented once they had set foot in the shop, his talons expertly sifting through the kiosk, picking this and that, rambling about depth of field and damage impacts; such a gun nerd, but at least he was happy.

she laughs and it’s rich and easy, more genuine than anything she’s felt in weeks. he isn’t wrong, though shepard certainly won’t say so; it really is the only way she knows how to show a guy a good time. flirting and emotions and everything that follows is for other people, not people sewn up back together and only now starting to let what it’s like to stop running.

after omega, after the message she’d received, shepard’s silently grateful she can at least give him an opportunity to be excited over something, simple as it may be. the ease in his stance and shoulders is nearly up to old garrus standards. she stands by his side and nods patiently, struggling to keep up with the details but determined to do her best. 

“this is why i keep you around, garrus, shooting things before they get close enough that it’s up to me.” up close and personal, that’s always been more her style. she leans in to examine another sniper rifle, “i tried, back when i first enlisted. couldn’t keep my aim straight, kept shaking. pistols? they’re more forgiving.”

she doesn’t shake anymore, hasn’t for a long time now. a glance up towards him, followed by a flash of a smile. “not that i’m saying you’re a better shot than me or anything.” 

[deadmos-deactivated20160627]

Send me "&" for my muses reaction to yours tracing one of their scars.

[commcnds]

turixn:

Snickering quietly to himself at her huffing, Garrus allows her a moment or two of grumbling before casually moving them along. He mean no disrespect, it had all been in good humor, but he was still coming to grips with just how far he could push such emotional creatures as humans. After all, they were still relatively new to one another in terms of species, and they hadn’t gotten off to the best start. But Garrus trusted Shepard; trusted her to tell him when he made her uncomfortable, when he had overstepped the mark, so that he would be able to grow and improve as an individual. Snorting, he then shook his head at her comment. “You, boring? I don’t think so Shepard. Things blow up when you’re near, I’d call that exciting,” he retorted with a roll of his eyes, a laugh escaping with his words. There was never a dull moment being in Shepard’s crew that was sure, even shore leave was something to anticipate. “Me?” Came his shocked exclamation, eyes widening, “no, nothing but boring here, Shepard, you know that,” he stated, shaking his head while raising his hands, “just your average, run-of-the-mill turian here.” What a lie, Mr. Vakarian! When the conversation naturally shifted on he was glad, itching to look at all the new weapons and mods that the Citadel had to offer. It had been a while since he had come here since his stint as Archangel so he was a bit out of the loop and there was, no doubt, many wares for him to peruse. “Now you’re speaking my language!” He chuckled, looking about him, “ladies choice though, of course, where should we look first?” Of course, he was never without his manners.

“i’m pretty sure that just means i’m really unlucky, garrus,” she glances up to him bemusedly, “or hey, maybe you’re the bad luck charm. i only experienced mild chaos back in the alliance and boom, there’s a bunch of aliens on my ship and suddenly we’re supposed to go save the citadel and most of the galaxy. it has to be one of you guys.” wrex, she thinks, would love to be considered a bad luck charm. fuck, she misses him and the others. 

“i think,” shepard pauses, teeth tugging on the corner of her lip in consideration, “we should go for some place that has a lot of guns and better yet, a lot of expensive guns.” that, she thinks, seems a simple enough task. after all, what is the citadel if not considerate of the very mean tastes and needs it encounters?

“lead on, big guy,” an overdramatic flourish of her hand follows to encourage him forward. all of this is easy enough that if she closed her eyes, this would seem normal and the events of the past week forgotten entirely. if nothing else comes from their break, she’s grateful garrus has given her the opportunity to relax for a few hours.

[commcnds]

turixn:

Having even made a name for himself that wasn’t completely in a negative light was something that Garrus felt pride in, though he hadn’t done it to find fame or infamy, he had just wanted to help those who were being downtrodden, the beaten and the abused— the forgotten. To know that he had made a difference, whether big or small, was enough for him, and should Shepard not have come to his aid he would have forced his way out of there and continued to make a difference ( or DIE trying ) on Omega. “Yeah, real hard sometimes…” He murmured, voice low; it was still a sore subject, but he often forced it down, suppressed it, so that he could continue on and find the bastard responsible for causing it in the first place, and then make him pay. Glancing to her Garrus sighed, mandibles drooping slightly as he took in her words. If it had been only him then he could have accepted the loss, the pain, but losing every single man under his command was something he hadn’t let go of lightly, nor would he until there was justice. Her sudden , but light, jab in return to his nudging caused him to smile— well, smile as best his features would allow, gently chuckling. “Cerberus property?” He echoed in disbelief, almost unable to hide the scoff, “you’re no ones property, Shepard, I’m sure not even God could keep you down,” he scoffed, shaking his head. All joking aside, he would honestly find anyone who thought they could tame the great Commander Shepard a great fool, and a rather dead one at that no doubt. Even those who had her truth knew not to hold her down; like anyone she needed her space, and they easily accommodated that need.

“Uh oh, this sounds serious,“ he them murmured when she leaned back then, asking for his honest answer, his gaze looking to her squarely, his attention undivided. For a moment or two as she spoke his mandibles flared, in and out, as he considered the best way to phrase his response, settling once she grew quiet. A talloned hand immediate comes up to his still fresh scars, tenderly touching the broken flesh, before he shakes his head and drops his hand. “I’m right behind you, Shepard, one hundred percent,” he stated confidently, but his voice soon grew soft, “if you’ll have me, anyway.”

there’s more beneath the surface. she can tell instantly by the shift in his tone that there’s far more he’s keeping to himself, scars not so readily visible as the ones now lacing the side of his face. if there’s one thing shepard’s learned, it’s that people don’t like to share what’s bothering them until they’re good and ready. poking and prying tends to reopen wounds, regardless of how far along healed they are. for that, she doesn’t ask any further. 

no one’s property. the finality in which he says it makes her smile. yes, no one’s property and beholden to no one, not the alliance, not the gangs on earth that had been so quick to try and remind her of years spent on their edges, not even the illusive man for all the power and prestige he’s so eager to hint at. no, she doesn’t belong to anyone and above all, she owes nobody nothing. 

shepard appreciates the consideration he gives her. not many soldiers pause to truly consider a question, much less an order. she’s seen it happen before plenty of times in the alliance. soldiers get so addicted to the rush and adrenaline and chaos of a firefight they can’t see to let go. shepard nearly winces as he moves a near along the marred skin. “it already looks better,” she offers up softly, tone gentler now and one of a friend, not a commander, “with time i’m sure it’ll be good as new or, well, whatever turians are into.” 

“course’ i’ll have you,” she laughs and flicks a few stray hairs behind an ear, moving towards the bay doors, “you think i’m gonna’ let you get out of this mess without a few more scars? come on, garrus, you know there’s no one i’d rather have back than you. who would irritably remind me of my propensity for the occasional bit of friendly fire and shoot things at a distance?” 

[inkskinned]

and you see him for the first time again, something in your heart breaks and heals at once, an implosion that sends you moving, moving, kissing him because of course, this is ridiculous, who cares who’s watching: the sky can darken and the sun can go out and teeth can snap but here, here in his arms. this is the only moment that matters and he is the only one you’ve thought of for months now, and maybe you’re not good at emotions, maybe you’re too good at hiding things behind a joke: but he’s real. and he matters in a way nothing else does. so you kiss him, and hope he knows.

and given how he holds you, you’re pretty sure he does.

[commcnds]

turixn:

“Not a chance in hell that I’d trade anything for paperwork, Shepard!” Garrus joined in with her laughter, shaking his head, “hell, we’re on the Citadel, I’m sure we can think up something a little better than that, right? A couple of world-weary soldiers like ourselves,” he teased, letting out a breath. It was strange, now that he thought about it, to want something simple and, quite frankly BORING for once. Although he wouldn’t ever turn down the opportunity to make the galaxy a better place ( one world at a time ) he did desire a little R&R every now and then. Many turian’s didn’t value such time, often opting for the constant stream of work and promotion, until they got older and wiser, or had seen too much in too short a time. Garrus, in his own opinion, only just made that list, and was certain that there was far more he could witness in the world, things that would make the current events in his life pale in comparison, though he promptly preyed that never to be the case— he didn’t want anymore, not now and not ever, if he could help it.

“Really, the most expensive?” He would have rolled his eyes if it didn’t hurt to do son, instead opting for a shake of his head and an exasperated sigh; of course, he was being dramatic for effect and would never dictate her funds to her. “Oh, I see,” he then crossed his arms over his chest, his brow plates rising, “it’s not your credits you’re spending, I kinda like that idea,” he practically purred, his tone devious. “Say,” he then perked up, “I don’t know much about pets, but weapon mods I know a hell of a lot about, maybe we could have a look at those, too? I hear there’s a lot of top of the line mods out and about that I think would give us an edge.” And there he was, the same old gun-obsessed Garrus.

she huffs quietly at his description though it isn’t that far off. on paper, perhaps, she has become the stereotypical old soldier, the war hardened survivor, but mostly? shepard just feels an innate urgency to help, to try and piece together the best thing she can out of the chaos around her. “hey, it’s gonna’ have to be up to you then, i’m naturally really boring, garrus, it’s just that somehow trouble always seems to find me,” there’s a quick, wry grin offered, “i trust your instincts. you seem like a turian who knows how to find a good time.” 

shepard very nearly laughs at the shift in his tone, biting the inside of her lip to stifle it. “pretty sure my bank would freak out if i tried to use my account given that, you know, i’m supposed to be dead and all that,” gaze flickers around the various stores dotting the streets, practically everything legally for sale propped up and hawked. (though she knows full well that the black market thrives here just as readily, just slightly out of sight.) “come on, garrus,” she says easily, “let’s get you something on the illusive man. he wants me to put together a crew? i’m making sure my team is equipped.” 

[smallishbone]

sometimes, it’s hard to remember who you are.

[commcnds]

// STARTER CALL