I have a confession to make.
I tried to end my life last night. And clearly, it didn't work out.
Anyone that's either been following this blog, or anyone that actually knows me will be aware that I've not exactly been in the greatest place recently; and that these kind of thoughts have been on my mind regularly. But, I'd never acted on it until yesterday; and I still don't know what pushed me to that point, it was just like every other day, nothing was different. I wake up, make coffee, have a smoke, just pass the time in my room and rinse and repeat until I fall asleep.
It was about four in the morning, which is probably the average time I fall asleep, and I was just lay there in darkness, my eyes wide open. For some reason, I just couldn't silence my thoughts last night or push them far enough away to get some rest. As the minutes ticked by, I felt those thoughts of suicide creep in closer and closer, until they became an urge, a want, a need. I tried cutting in an attempt to surpress everything in my head, but this time it just wasn't enough.
And that's when something just changed in me. I became a lot calmer suddenly, it was like something just took over me completely and I lost control. And the next thing I know, I'm sat in my room with every single pill that I could find, writing a small note to my mum. It wasn't much; I said I was sorry and that this wasn't her fault, and that maybe I could find a better place now.
After that was done, I took every single one of the pills in front of me without a second thought and afterwards, I just lay back on my bed and shut my eyes. I don't really remember much after that; all I knew was that the thoughts were gone, the need was satisified and to put it simply, I was ready for death.
And then, a little less than twelve hourts later, I woke up. I felt like absolute shit and I didn't know why, but then I noticed the letter at my side and everything from the night before came flooding back to me. I realised that I'd failed. That I was still in the place I tried to leave behind. My mum returned home not too long after I woke up, she mentioned that I looked a little worse for wear, so I just told her that I wasn't feeling all that great today and that was that. She's none the wiser and to be honest, I want to keep it that way.
So for whatever reason, I'm still alive. Is that a good thing? Well, to me, no it isn't. I'm still stuck in this horrible place and it makes it worse knowing that I tried to escape it and failed. I'm more worthless and pathetic than I ever truly realised. And I just feel so numb to everything now; I've never felt like this before, and I certainly have no clue of where to go from here.
So I suppose all that's left to do now is hide behind the smile and nobody will ever have to know.
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