Typical Angst

~A collection of writings & inspirations throughout my life in no particular order~

[typicalangst]

[typicalangst]

This piece is called Favorite Person

Do you know what it feels like

When the axis of your existence

Gets placed in the soul of another person

Leaving you to revolve around them

As the center of your gravity shifts

Everything I've ever loved

I've gripped by the neck,

feeling the air escape

slowly.

I’ve thought about

Plunging my claws

Deep in your chest

And ripping out

A beating heart

Still racing with the thought

Of me touching you

I've told you

That I am this dangerous

That where my smile should be

Is a devouring maw full of

Needle-sharp teeth

And where gentle hands could have been

Are claws

That are no good

To hold you with

Yet you cite

The lack of red on either of us

As your reason

For being comfortable

I watch you, my beloved, through veiled eyes

My favorite person

Stalking your every step

Obsessed over every detail

Like the pink of your lips

The sound of your sips

The squish of your hips

your laughter

A sirens call

Echoes in my veins

A symphony of obsession, crescendoing

I collect your discarded petals

Pressed between pages of forbidden books

Each petal, a whispered confession

a love unyielding, unrelenting 

Placing your delicate hands

In my tense palms

And leaning your head

Into my chest

To hear

My heart

Racing with the thought

Of you

I know your secrets, the tastes of your fears

The rhythm of your pulse, the scent of your skin

In the garden of my madness I’ll plant you

Watered by tears, nourished by obsession

And when the world awakens to our tale

They’ll call it tragedy, insanity, folly

But we’ll dance on the precipice of chaos

Two souls entwined, lost in loves abyss

For love in its darkest form blooms eternal

And I am but a vessel-  a vessel for you

[typicalangst]

My newest piece of art poetry.

[typicalangst]

Didn't realize how long its been since ive posted on here. But I have not stopped writing, yet. Here's another piece- for whoevers out there in the void to listen.

I have this disease

Called borderline personality disorder

& this poem is about that

I am trying to make amends for the transgression of being myself

It must be some terrible horrible sin to be around me

Why else would people have such visceral reactions of me?

Newsflash baby- my entire life is filled with controversy

Borderline, a storm inside my mind

A prison I can not leave behind

I am quick to anger and quicker to cry

and people think I'm strange.

They don't see how hard I try to control it,

I know I'm seen as deranged.

My attempts to rectify my problematic existence have been but futile mistakes

Emotions can be overbearing

and it's difficult to stay quiet

when someone upsets me

It's simply not easy to hide it.

Angry tones and mixed signals

I like to joke that my disorder makes it impossible to just SHUT THE FUCK UP for once

People say it’s easy being kind

But for me , and my BPD it’s easier to be a cunt

I don’t understand how you can watch someone be so fucking  cruel and keep that shit to yourself

I am filled with an unbridled rage

My autistic sense of Justice in cahoots with my BPD has created a machine run off nothing but spite and redBull.

With a lack of emotional permanence

I rely on photographs and reassurance

To reconstruct my memories & emotions

Because my mind has been absent

I spend most of my adult life dissociating

Dissapearing into the void that is my mind

I know it’s a defense mechanism

One set in place to protect myself from the memories of my own trauma

But no amount of student loan debt

Or counseling experience

Can seem to help me help myself

SNAP

Back into focus

I am a reflection of evrey person I encounter

Sometimes unsure of my own persona

[typicalangst]

Sometimes rebounding doesnt actually cure your heart break and you just end up catching feelings and being twice as broken hearted. You'd think it would make you lose feelings for the first heartbreak atleast but when you're poly and capable of loving more then 1 person at once sometimes it stabs you in the back

[typicalangst]

It's my 9 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

[typicalangst]

Quite proud of this piece but I fear its too emo to post on main

[typicalangst]

Another piece of art.

[typicalangst]

A musing about generational trauma. But it’s art, so take from it what you please.

[typicalangst]

[typicalangst]

A piece about writing:

i find myself in a perpetual state of anticipation- in wait for the next minor epiphany, the next achievement, or the next shared understanding. I long for the utter satisfaction that comes with clear communication. I wish for nothing more than to convey my ideas without any remanence getting lost in translation. I find myself still trying to accept the impossibility of this. I will not be able to successfully reap every last bit of my brain into some creative execution, yet I continue to create poetry despite this- like one day a writing will come through the way I intend it to. Writing intensifies this state of mind- the endless potential, the sheer volume of words and incomprehensible combinations, the rich imagery I can evoke if I combine the right ones. But I can not be everything I want to be in this lifetime- and suddenly I feel horribly limited. So why write if contentment is unattainable? While it may be a fleeting endeavor, it’s a sanctuary where I can release the torrent of thoughts and emotions that plague me, the therapeutic exhale after it has all been pressing against my chest for too long. Yet paradoxically, this refuge can become a double edged sword, a feeble chase for perfectionism and the need to be understood, heard, respected- all insatiable hungers that can never be satisfied. In that way, I think writing is a reflection of life. I write for myself, others, relief, but mostly I write to externalize myself and grasp at any chance to gain control over my mind. ~P

[typicalangst]

“You don’t look disabled”

I wanna talk about something that just really irks me because it’s probably one of the most disrespectful things I’ve ever had a romantic partner tell me and one of the most ignorant things you can say to someone with disabilities

When trying to educate an ex about my disabilities he said

“You don’t really seem autistic to me” and while this isn’t really about him cuz I’ve removed that garbage from my life, I wanna talk about why you shouldn’t say this to people.

what I think he meant in that moment was I don’t fit his perception of what he thinks an autistic person looks or acts like.

That I don’t fit the autism stereotype

But That “stereotype” fails to look at autism as a spectrum and completely disregards that autism is a mostly invisible disability.

And I get people like that are coming from a place of ignorance and maybe wasn’t intentionally coming off as rude or dismissive - but regardless of intent it’s ableist.

I have to mask alot throughout my life, especially in the dating scene & in my professional life but I find myself masking a LOT seven with my friends when I’m afraid of judgement or when people ask me to be nice to people who have hurt me or act normal for the sake of saving face. Yes I have good language and communication skills and I’m clearly verbal & have different support needs then a nonverbal autistic person, but that’s exactly why I feel the need to speak up about this and try to dismantle the ableism in society so the world can be more accepting of everyone who’s different. While I can only talk about my specific experience with autism, if I’m dealing with ableism like this imagine how those who struggle more with functioning have to navigate their relationships.

But part of autism being a spectrum is that the way it presents in each individual person is completely unique & yeah we may share some similarities and relate to challenges like these

I got my autism diagnosis pretty late in life and it’s helped me understand a lot of my behaviors, especially in the context of my other disabilities like borderline and complex ptsd. My brain is neurologically different, and these other disorders also have severe impacts on my behavior, my ability to regulate, my ability to think clearly and logically in stressful situations. And while I feel like I navigate that for the most part quite well, these disabilities do impact every area of my life - especially with interpersonal relationships. I’m not gonna always share the struggles on social media, this is a very polished version of me that I put on line. Even if I wanted to share what it looked like to have an episode or be in an autistic shut down, I physically can’t in those moments. So what I will say is please- question those perceptions and stereotypes, challenge yourself before speaking from ignorance, because yeah these disabilities may not be a free pass for shitty behavior but they do very much impact every aspect of a persons behavior.

[typicalangst]

A short excerpt from my poem about polyamory and unicorn hunters

[typicalangst]

[typicalangst]

[typicalangst]

SPACE

[typicalangst]

Some art about suicide