[confusedonsomanylevels]

Boy has a lot of shit happened since I last ranted... got over the last noodle head, found my peace, then fell for a girl halfway across the country and got played “nicely” so that’s great we’ll see how shit continues to go in the healing process of my poor poor heart... in good news I became friends with this girl and we are so similar in the way we like people and how we are with that stuff and it’s super nice to have someone who gets it because she’s exactly the same but also terrifying bc I see the self destruct that we do to ourselves

[confusedonsomanylevels]

Fuck you for being in my dreams still

I was at some school that I guess was mine and I got some of my stuff and left my room and then you were there and we were waiting in line I think but I was laying down on something and you were next to me and my face was buried in your stomach and you were petting my hair and you kissed my temple and once I got up bc I guess they called us you started acting distant again... we might’ve gone to my room to sleep and we might’ve kissed idk that part is kinda hazy

I don’t really know exactly what happened in that dream but I remember that part and I remember like how I felt if that makes sense

[confusedonsomanylevels]

I don’t get why you say spanish things to her... like y’all are both white?.... deadass you didn’t do that before me, how rude, hope off my mf train

[confusedonsomanylevels]

“She was too insecure to be with you dude. The way you loved and cared for her she didn’t know how to handle and accept it. You did nothing wrong. She has to love herself before she can be with someone like you” -Maria to me

[confusedonsomanylevels]

Lmao this dream I had is ridiculous

So I was at home chilling in my room which I never do in real life bc my mom is a little crazy but so I’m in my room on my iPad and Bri FaceTimes me, idk why and I don’t remember what we talk about but I remember her still having a gf. I got some notification on my iPad and went to go check it and when I came back to ft she had hung up. I didn’t want to call her back bc I didn’t wanna seem annoying or whatever ya know but for some reason I couldn’t find her phone number in the recently called thing which I found weird. I’m then with my friend from elementary school and his mom and we go to visit their house bc ig in the dream they had moved and wanted to see it again. We go up to the door and some lady answers it and we’re all reminiscing or whatever and then her like 5 dogs come out so I’m living life bc they’re cute. The yellow lab started barking at me though so I felt betrayed. They had a Pomeranian and he was chill he didn’t really come near me and that was ok. They had a chocolate lab who was super friendly I really liked her. Idk where my brain pulled all these dogs from tbh. Anyways. So we’re just talking in their kitchen and then randomly my dad is there? And so are two of my friends... pretty sure Maria and I can’t remember who else. He says he has to go and something abt how he can either take my friends with him or they can stay but that means I have to take them back later that day. I think he ends up taking them bc they all disappear. This is where it gets more ridiculous than it already was. I guess this lady’s daughter or niece or some shit is fucking Avery Cyrus so she was there and we were hanging out???? Idek. We were talking in the kitchen and then we were in like a hang out room I think idk but I was sitting in a desk chair backwards and she was sitting on the couch next to me and her mom or aunt or whatever was sitting at a desk on the other side of the room. She said something abt something and I made a joke abt how I could help her with that (obviously it was sexual I just can’t remember what exactly was the joke) and she started laughing and so did I and her mom aunt person turned to her and was like “oh she has you all nervous” and in my head I thought “me? Nah lmao she’s way out of my league” then I went to the bathroom (but it was like the bathroom downstairs of my dorm) and I realized I finished my period so I was really happy and then I saw she posted a tik tok abt “when you finish your period just in time bc she’s sleeping over” and I was like holdup, you talking abt me? And so then I go out of the bathroom and into her room and she’s in her bed and I’m like “ugh I’m so happy I just finished my period” and she’s like “omg me too lol” and then we lay there for a little bit and then one of her friends comes in and we’re all talking but Jesus ok why is she so hot like I do not understand... I wish I had her body tbh, anyways... then my dream turned into some weird like fight in the desert of Egypt or some shit with like Star Wars people and I had to slide down a crumbling pyramid with a big ass case of god knows what in my hand bc we needed it?... and then I had to ride some transport thing to take the stuff but my mom packed me a bunch of random ass stuff like idek how she could’ve packed me stuff but whatever

[okay]

good night human beings may we fall in love with someone deserving

[confusedonsomanylevels]

I had a dream last night with you in it again, I really can’t catch a break. We were in the car with my parents and we were sitting in the back. I was behind my dad who was driving and you were in the middle seat. You were upset in the same way you were upset the day we broke up. You were writing in your notebook and I could feel the upset coming off of you. I slipped my thumb into your palm and rubbed a little bit to maybe make you feel better but at the same time I was nervous you would reject it. After a little while I look up at you and you’re looking at me with those big blue eyes the way you looked at me when we got Mexican the first time and the way you’d always look at me. You gave me your cute smile and somehow dream me knew everything was gonna be ok. I held your hand correctly and we kept looking at each other for a little bit and then you leaned in and I was like dude my parents are right there, my dad doesn’t know and my mom doesn’t know abt you, you gave me your version of puppy eyes and I was like ok fuck it and I kissed you. Then I was transported to playing tennis against casandra. You were on the court next to us playing against this one guy from my highschool. I served real hard and I aced her and you looked so impressed. Then we were in my moms room which was my room hanging up my flag and stuff and then you randomly disappeared and it was 5am and I had apparently just woken up from a nap and was trying to steal my phone back from my mom but she was in my bathroom and I was scared to go to my room where she was staying to get it

Idk... seeing your face like that really fucked me up even more than I already was

[confusedonsomanylevels]

8 by Billie Eilish hits home

The whole thing really but the lyrics that always stop me in my tracks are

“You said don't treat me badly

But you said it so sadly

So I did the best I could

Not thinking you would have left me gladly

I know you're not sorry

Why should you be

'Cause who am I to be in love

When your love never is for me”

Because that actually happened... you told me to not break your heart and I kissed your nose and said I wouldn’t, then I told you to not break my heart and you laughed and said you weren’t capable... yet here we are

[anxietyproblem]

[confusedonsomanylevels]

Can’t tell if I want you or I want love and you’re the last person I was with so I just think I want you

Idk, maybe I got attached real fast, maybe it’s both, maybe it’s 4:13 am and I’m too tired to think correctly

[confusedonsomanylevels]

I just wanted to be yours and take care of you and love you... I’m so tired of feeling like this still

[dankmemeuniversity]

[inaudiblesuggestions]

was it ever real?

[bimbosp1t]

What's your type

apparently girls that don’t feel the same way

[angelictrauma]

im hot

H ard to love O bnoxious T errible

[confusedonsomanylevels]

In all honesty if I fully completed all the songs I have started writing, fix my vocals, learn how to record and edit and produce music, I could deadass make an EP out of all the songs I’ve written abt you... I’d name it “The Ending”

Now I wish I knew how to do all that shit lol... maybe I can make time to learn idk we’ll see

It would be pretty cool tho, like having something made that I worked on even if it comes from a place of hurt and stuff

Ok update: I’d name it “not knowing” or “the feeling of not knowing” instead of “the ending”

[confusedonsomanylevels]

It smelled like you last night when I was walking through down town through this little plaza thing with maria and mehar, so it for sure wasn’t them bc I would’ve noticed earlier and also this morning when I left my building... maybe I’m going fucking crazy I don’t know.

I think watching gay show edits last night made me have a dream abt you... I watch edits whenever I’m lonely bc it’s the only source of like affection or anything gay and feelings I can get even if it doesn’t involve me... seeing happy couples makes me happy I guess.

The dream was weird... we were in my room watching something and I changed into my pjs and Maria wasn’t coming back bc I think she was staying at Juan’s so I asked if you cared if I took my bra off (bc it’s more comfortable obviously and like idc with you for obvious reasons) but you said you cared so I was like ok and left it on. Then I laid down and you went to the bathroom which was in the corner of our room for some reason like they have at UCLA and you came back and we were talking abt something idek I just remember looking at you and feeling warm and happy but also scared and nervous at the same time. We must’ve been talking about feelings but I think it was ok bc I remember the feeling of like kissy and cuddly and just how it felt when you were against me bc the only thing I could feel and see and smell was you it was like you enveloped me

So I hate both sleep and consciousness