I went through something in 2016 that I had never really been open about and I decided to change that. I wrote this in August 2016 and I have grown so much since then. If you wanna criticize go ahead but be nice. Thanks y'all.
I really don’t know when I realized that I felt something “off” about myself.
I ate the same amount and I slept just fine, but there was a shadow of guilt that would follow me everyday and all the time.
Yeah… there were times where I would cry, and I would cry until I couldn’t anymore.
There were times where I wouldn’t eat… but isn’t that normal?
Throughout the year that has passed there had been days, weeks, sometimes even months where I didn’t remember.
I didn’t remember that you used me, that I was just something to pass along the time.
The moment before you kissed me…
“I want to try something, but it doesn’t mean anything”
I really thought I was special...
All I could think was “OMG, he chose me. But why”?
I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
So many people would tell me that I was so mature for a seventeen year old.
But he made me feel like a fourteen year old with a dirty little secret.
I’d see him and I’d melt, I’d want to rub my hands everywhere on his body.
And just appreciate him in every way.
But the time came where you didn’t need to use me anymore.
You had found yourself someone else… who in my opinion was better.
I stayed out of your way, feeling like this was the end of our “nothing”, until you came back.
Crying because she broke your heart again, when I knew all along that would happen
You were doing the same thing to me.
“I just need affection right now, a human to touch me”
That’s what you said to me the next time you kissed me, your lips wet with the tears of someone else’s heartbreak.
This is the time we started seeing each other somewhere besides work.
“We’re just really close friends, mom”
“He’s my best friend, mom”
I believed everything but the “gay” thing, trust me I knew you weren’t gay *wink*.
There was a time where I believed that you were my best friend. I believed you would never bring me any harm.
Until one afternoon, we were peacefully playing video games…
And something made you angry, I didn’t like it when you got angry, it scared me…
You walked back into your room, slammed your door…
The next thing I knew I was being pinned down by another body, it was yours.
So many things were running through my mind.
Should I tell him that it’s my first time?
What if I bleed on his sheets?
I felt like I was in no position to stop him and say “No”
Just because we talked about it makes it okay… right?
I guess you can say I consented, I helped him take off my clothes.
When it was over, I laid there with a pit in my stomach and completely bare.
I swear there was hint of disgust in your voice.
That’s when I realized that only I was fully naked, yeah you had your shirt off but your pants were still on…
You saw the blood on your sheets, you panicked.
“Are you on your period? Disgusting”
I didn’t have the courage to say what was on my mind earlier, I just didn’t get it.
I put clothes on, asked for small wet towel and some soap and cleaned the blood, I tried to hide how ashamed I really felt.
It wasn’t all bad, you went back to playing video games and I told you that I wanted to cuddle, so you laid in your bed and cuddled with me for a while.
That’s something i’ll always appreciate.
After a few hours, the shame wasn’t really there, I waited for my mom to pick me up and we said goodbye.
We messaged each other all the time.
I swore you were going to be mine.
We had stopped talking for a while, you had started working somewhere new and I was taking over the team you left behind.
I felt us drifting apart even though you said we wouldn’t.
Then you messaged me, out of the blue.
“Hey, I feel like I should tell you about this thing”
Deep down I knew what it was.
That’s the moment it all shattered for me. I cried and I screamed.
I had given him everything and it wasn’t enough. He was supposed to want me.
Of course I told him how I felt.
But in reality, I was the stupid, blind, and ungrateful one.
There was a time that I believed in him.
There was a time where I was on cloud 9.
But that time, “the time”, is gone.
