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@conradf1sher
#conradf1sher * independent, private, & selective roleplay blog for CONRAD ❛ CONNIE ❜ FISHER, themes of: the sound of WAVES crashing, the wail of YOUTH lost, finding ones LINE in the sand, the DESPERATION of holding it together, REBUILDING a broken home, the ANGST of teenage rebellion & the cost of INFINITY. caught by kristen, she / her, thirty, est timezone. low - activity.
The Summer I Turned Pretty | S03E11, "At Last"
conrad fisher in season 3
conradf1sher asked: ❛ fine, keep acting like you hate me. ❜ for belly conklin.
the kitchen feels too bright, too sharp, like the morning light is intent on stripping me bare, exposing everything i’d rather keep hidden in the dark. i can still feel last night on my skin, still taste the words he pressed into the air between us — words that had landed like a vow. don’t marry him. don’t be with him. be with me. i carried them into sleep like a secret I could finally claim, something small and burning to hold close. but in the cold edge of morning, they feel less like fire and more like smoke, slipping through my fingers no matter how tightly i try to close my hand. he’s leaning against the fridge, arms crossed, jaw set in that unyielding way that makes him seem untouchable, like he could hold the entire world at arm’s length. but even from here, even with that mask of distance, i can feel it — the current thrumming in the space between us. it’s always been there, this dangerous pull, and every time i’ve touched it, it’s burned me. i tell myself i should know better now. i tell myself i’ve learned. but the truth is, i’m still standing here waiting for him, like i always do.
❝ you haven’t changed at all, conrad, ❞ i whisper, the words tasting like blood in my mouth, like a wound i’ve been carrying too long. ❝ this is what you do. you confess, and then you take it back. you give me just enough to hope, and then you rip it away. you give, and you take — that’s who you are. that’s who you’ve always been. you think saying ‘be with me’ fixes everything? ❞ my voice trembles, but i force myself to hold his gaze, even when it hurts. ❝ you can’t ask me to put everything in your hands when you’ve never once shown me you’ll hold onto it. all you’ve ever done is leave me standing here, waiting for you to decide. ❞ the words slice through me, sharper than he probably even means them to. keep acting like you hate me. as if that’s what this is. as if hate could ever explain the way my heart has torn itself in half over him again and again. i want to laugh, to scream, to shake him until he understands — but all i can do is stand there with my throat burning, the ache in my chest too big to hold. ❝ that’s the problem, conrad, ❞ i whisper, my voice splintering even as i try to keep it steady. ❝ i don’t hate you. i never could. it would be so much easier if i did. ❞ and it’s the truth — the ugliest, rawest truth of all. because hate would mean distance. hate would mean an ending. and all i’ve ever done, no matter how much it’s broken me, is keep loving him.
he hadn't slept that night . . . arms wrapped around himself as the breeze dried crusted salt to his cheeks. there had been a moment, where his chest wound so tight & puffs of air struggled to release ( almost . . . panic constricting his neck like a scaled creature ). he loved her . . . more than he thought he knew how to love anything. she was everything & nothing all at once ( she wasn't his to lose . . . wasn't anyone's to keep in a cage ). don't be with him . . . be with me. couldn't believe he had let himself so freely release that plea & now he had to take it back somehow ( she didn't WANT him . . . she was marrying his brother ). he loved jer . . . fuck, he loved his brother, but he had thought he was doing the right thing, vanishing . . . ( he thought that she would be taken care of . . . ). instead now all he could do is think about how jer was so desperate to get their father's approval ( he had the capability of mirroring the very worst of him ).
words twist the knife that dug so deeply into the cavity of his chest . . . he changed EVERYTHING about himself, couldn't she see that ? ( the only thing he couldn't change . . . was his love for her ). ❛ that's not . . . ❜ but it's what he does, isn't it ? ❛ what do you want from me ? ❜ laid himself bare & every nerve felt as though grains of sand were lodged & burned into his flesh ❛ i love you . . . i have always loved you. ❜ a step forward is taken into the space that buzzes with an electricity that sends a shock to him ( more volatile than what he had experienced while foolishly fixing that damn socket ). ❛ & i thought by leaving . . . i was doing the right thing, but i was wrong, is that what you want to hear ? ❜ wanted to give them their best chance . . . to not drag anyone down into the quicksand that had been silently pulling him under. if he had known . . . four years ago, he never would have lied to her in that motel room ( but he couldn't change the past . . . wouldn't even try ). all he COULD DO was what he had been trying all summer . . . & be here now.
do you guys ever think of the symbolism that the beach house is falling apart in conrad's absence & that the longer he spends there, the more alive it is.
Inescapable, I'm not even gonna try And if I get burned, at least we were electrified I'm spilling wine in the bathtub You kiss my face and we're both drunk Everyone thinks that they know us But they know nothing about All of this silence and patience, pining in anticipation My hands are shaking from holding back from you (ah, ah, ah) All of this silence and patience, pining and desperately waiting My hands are shaking from all this (ah, ha, ha, ha)
SMS / CONTACT: conrad / SENT ]: maybe… but it’s not a big deal. SMS / CONTACT: conrad / SENT ]: you don’t have to worry about me. SMS / CONTACT: conrad / SENT ]: then what are you trying to do? SMS / CONTACT: conrad / SENT ]: because out of nowhere you’re showing up, saying you care… existing.
[ IMESSAGE ⋅ ISABEL ⋅ 02:35:16 PM ]: it is to me. [ IMESSAGE ⋅ ISABEL ⋅ 02:36:11 PM ]: it's not out of nowhere belly, don't you get that ? [ IMESSAGE ⋅ ISABEL ⋅ 02:45:27 PM ]: i mean, i've always existed, kinda hard not to.
Goodbye Thank you, The Summer I Turned Pretty (4/?) favorite ship: Belly and Conrad
That is not… why I love you. I have tried everything… not to love you, for the sake of Jere, for the sake of… not dragging you down with me in my grief. I fought it way before the summer that my mom got sick. You've always been a precious person to me. I have always cared about you. And then, at some point… I started to see you differently, and that scared me because I didn't want things between us to change. But the way that I feel about you, Belly, has nothing to do with my mom. If I met you for the first time tonight… I would love you. Because I've changed everything about myself, and the one thing that never changes is that I love you.
SMS / CONTACT: conrad / SENT ]: i had a granola bar this morning, but that’s it… haven’t really felt like eating. SMS / CONTACT: conrad / SENT ]: have you? SMS / CONTACT: conrad / SENT ]: i don’t know if i can believe that. saying you care doesn’t fix the past or the ways it still hurts, conrad.
[ IMESSAGE ⋅ ISABEL ⋅ 02:17:46 PM ]: you only don't eat when somethings bothering you. [ IMESSAGE ⋅ ISABEL ⋅ 02:18:11 PM ]: yes. [ IMESSAGE ⋅ ISABEL ⋅ 02:18:42 PM ]: & i get that . . . that's not what i'm trying to do.
conrad showing up to the love of his life's dress rehearsal in that slutty little outfit like he was going to a funeral
[ SMS / CONTACT: conrad / SENT ]: thanks… [ SMS / CONTACT: conrad / SENT ]: i don't need anything. [ SMS / CONTACT: conrad / SENT ]: it's still nice to know that even after everything, you do care.
[ IMESSAGE ⋅ ISABEL ⋅ 01:35:55 PM ]: when's the last time you ate ? [ IMESSAGE ⋅ ISABEL ⋅ 01:38:14 PM ]: i've always cared.
you are so RIdIcUloUsLy welcome
* tell me about the best possible version of this day . . . . multi - verse, canon complaint & extremely selective with slow activity.
conradf1sher asked: [ TXT ] : have you eaten today? for belly conklin.
[ SMS / CONTACT: conrad / SENT ]: nope, too much on my mind to eat. [ SMS / CONTACT: conrad / SENT ]: why do you wanna know, conrad?
[ IMESSAGE ⋅ ISABEL ⋅ 01:17:46 PM ]: isabel [ IMESSAGE ⋅ ISABEL ⋅ 01:20:24 PM ]: i can make you something ? [ IMESSAGE ⋅ ISABEL ⋅ 01:21:17 PM ]: no quinoa . . . promise.
also the fact you're losing me played & that is the exact moment belly's heart stopped beating & then false god played & only then Is when it started again
conrad was feeling like he did 3 lines of coke after him & belly had that conversation in the kitchen after the beach & you know what ? same
* @story1ines prompted: “ i know i shouldn't love you, but i do. & that terrifies me more than anything. ”
his whole life has been made up of these fleeting moments . . . the ones where a singular instant could alter it all ( ONE CHOICE ), was all it took & the trajectory would drastically evolve. he's made mistakes . . . in the name of too many others ( if he were honest with himself . . . a forced confession of just how few decisions made truly ever had his own pleas etched into them ). like a trickle of water, droplets gliding down the fin of his board . . . time moved, eyes glazing with tears he couldn't allow to fall, chest expanding like a band eager to snap. he SHOULDN’T love her . . . because of jer, because of the grief that too often would morph into a hole that threatened to swallow, because of a million other reasons that RIVALED galaxies in the sky ( BUT HE DID . . . he always had ). ❛ i . . . ❜ god damn it. words fade with the waves, what was he supposed to say ? ( let her go . . . let her soar ) BYE BYE BIRDIE . . . & yet. ❛ belly . . . i don't know how to NOT love you. ❜
how do you unlove the ONLY girl that made life worth living for ? how do you unstitch the thread that kept them tangled despite years of attempting to take dulled shears to it ? ( he's never been a liar . . . except for just that once ) ❛ i don't regret it . . . not a single second of it. ❜ words tumbling out as if he no longer held the control that had been desperately clawed into all this time. it terrified him too, the kind of fear that hid underneath the sheets, tucked into the corners with shadows that threatened to haunt his every move. her admittance of LOVE should ease him . . . to know, in her own words that it was still there . . . that it would ALWAYS be there, but he had already known ( somewhere, somehow ). infinity had a way of working like that, limitless . . . bends & curves that went on for miles ( only to bring you back home ). voice low, rough, like the gravel crunching under tires as he backed away from a place that held their fractured dreams ❛ tell me what you need from me. ❜ & he'd do it, s o m e h o w . . . even if it decimated ( without her . . . was he even alive ? )
