realised my brother is cute again
a few of years ago i thought it briefly and gushed about his cuteness in a discord server and then got banned but i also complained about hating that server in the server at around the same time so im not totally sure why i was banned hehe :P
(the discord server was about proship darkship so i assumed talking about it would be okay since i wasnt going to actually do anything considered wrong)
(but since then ive learned many proshippers are weird inconsistent about "liking stuff in fiction since it doesnt do any real life harm is okay but 'harmful paraphilias' just having the feelings and not doing anything real life harm is really bad"??)
earlier than that incident, he did something weird to me that im not sure if it was innocent sexual experimentation without realising enough to know the concepts of incest or consent were relevant, or totally not knowing it could have sexual meaning copying the act for another reason, but i dont think about it much.
i mostly hope he doesnt remember that now and feel weird and embarrassed realising he did something thats often considered sexual to his sibling wondering if i remember and judge him.
and i think ive always just felt mild romantic/sexual type feelings for some relatives same as normal amount for friends who i wanna stay friends with not date, not having a big block of "family=always 100% only platonic".
(and i dont know if i believe in this "'friendship'/'dating' two clear separate categories to put relationship in one or the other" thing, or maybe im aplatonic or aromantic)
but back to how he is cute his hair is shiny he has glasses he has some similar interests to me he has acne he idk i cant put into words i guess i just am feeling affection irrational hes kind of a normal person but hes my brother.
i laid on top of him today it was comfy and fun but i noticed i was noticing certain things a weird amount that might mean sexual attraction and i assume hes normal prejudiced against consang and whole family might hate me if i accidentally made it look like i had feelings for him actually idk if its just my ocd lol
a few weeks ago i was getting definitely ocd about worrying about liking my mother. and we did accidental tongue to tongue touch when i was a small child and i wanted to do it again (she said no) and i think now im just still at "horny teenager" phase (when does that normally stop?) and attracted to anyone. and it doesnt really matter its chill, but still i think hating incest matters a lot to other people and i dont know how expressing emotions works what if i accidentally flirt with a relative or something. i cant argue with that irrational fear cause it totally could happen maybe kinda realistic a bit
and at the same time i am dating my fictional character cousin and headmate sister and thats a whole other story in another world but maybe they super clearly influence each other if you look at it from an outside perspective i cant have :3
waoaoa thats pretty long post
Thank you for sharing this confession of yours ♥️
I don't know that there is any "normal" end to the horny teenager phase. I've been in it for a few decades now, and i know others who were on the other side of it by like 17. So, uh, best luck?