Temple

Writings I've Done

[wordsnpens]

Do it. Do something. Breathing? No? Do something else. Breathing? Yes? Repeat.

[wordsnpens]

10/13/17

That sting,

that rush,

the drip,

that euphoric feeling that washes over.

Everything is going to be okay.

Not sure for how long,

but that’s not important right now.

As of right now,

I’m good with this.

[wordsnpens]

Calmness washes over. Clouds part ways in the sky, Letting the light shine through. Can it be? Has the darkness passed? Who knows how long this will last… For now, I’ll enjoy the little things. It’s all one can do.

[wordsnpens]

Rings Against The Glass

The clink, From your rings hitting the bottle. That sound when the bottle hits the glass. It's all over now... You're back to where you started. It's over. You're done.

[wordsnpens]

Drinking Again

Giving into the urge,

drinking till i explode.

I’m fine really.

Just because they won’t speak to me anymore.

Just because they won’t look at me. 

Just because i thought what we had was real,

a real friendship.

They’re hard to find. 

It was all a lie. 

I’ll drink to that. 

Thanks for reminding me what it feels like to be abandoned.

No one can help me, 

don’t try talking, 

it’ just a waist of your’s and my time. 

[wordsnpens]

You are worth so much. God loves you."And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose"(Romans 8:28). "And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you" (1 Peter 5:10). I've been depressed and suicidal, but God has helped me a lot. Nothing can separate you from His love (Romans 8:31-39).

i don’t quite believe in the whole God bit, but i respect other’s beliefs and such. i’m sure something out there in the universe is watching me, not doing a very good job with keeping my emotions and mental health in check, but i do have my good days. i’m just always looking on the bright side of life. 

i have more of Buddhist practices i’ve noticed, but i don’t devote myself to one thing, i stay open.  

[wordsnpens]

Life.

What a waste.

Existence's painful.

Hopes shatter around every turn.

No reason why this should go on.

The pain it would bring to some people...

I can’t bare that weight,

and i haven’t even done anything yet...

[wordsnpens]

Oh No

I think i may be falling for you.

I hope that it’s just a pocket of air...

My heart is no good,

yet it keeps wanting to look for a partner. 

It would be safer to be alone in this life...

I just hope this passes...

[wordsnpens]

Manic

Feeling the mania, 

yet exhausted at the same time. 

Not knowing when this will end...

Waiting for the spinning to stop,

waiting for this manic state to pass.

Cutting in hopes things calm down,

yet with no success.

 When will this end?

When will i sleep?

when will i stop spinning, 

please just tell me when.

[wordsnpens]

Blood

Slice the skin open.

Make it gape and bleed out.

Stab at the vein and hope it all ends.

Wish for the pain to be done,

but know it will never stop raining.

[wordsnpens]

Spiraling

Spiraling out of control,

not wanting to go back to the way things were.

Slipping into a wound that’s too deep,

crawling under the skin and grabbing ahold. 

Ripping and tearing the skin all around,

not wanting a place of peace to be found.

Let it burn,

let it cry.

Burn it while it’s crying alive. 

Stab the ashes just to be sure.

Leave it to die,

leave it to rot.

Nothing will live here.

[wordsnpens]

Suicidal Thoughts

Kill me.

Slaughter me. 

Tell me i’m useless,

tell me i’m hated. 

Make this easier for me to do.

I feel too guilty going forward with this if people still care. 

I do not want this, 

but i do need this.

Let me die and wither away in this pit. 

I’m ready to go.

I want to leave now.

Just stop caring,

please leave me to die.

[wordsnpens]

Self Harm

Blood.

I want,

no,

need to see it. 

Self harm.

What a wonderful friend. 

Always when i’m down,

always when i’m confused,

always when i’m angry. 

It soaks my clothes. 

It feels right this way. 

No changes, no thank you. 

I would rather die than get help.

[wordsnpens]

All About Him

I love you.

I care about you.

I want you to be happy,

to be better.

There’s nothing i can do to help you.

I want to take the weight off your shoulders. 

To hold your hand through this torture you feel. 

Your self loathing ways i want to curve, 

to make you okay with yourself.

I want you to be happy. 

Please let me in.

[wordsnpens]

I don’t want your help.

Don't tell me things are fine, they're not. Don't tell me things will get better, I already know and am in denial of this. Don't tell me i should love myself, i don't. Just let me rot in my self destructive world. I'm fine. I don't want help. I just want to destroy myself. Thanks.

[wordsnpens]

A Bloody Pit

No point in trying to talk to them...

No words will come out.

In the time of need, 

no reaching is made. 

Just leave me be, 

alone in this hole of darkness. 

These walls are covered in blood down here.

My blood...

I can’t speak up for help. 

I don’t deserve it...

Death waits in it’s corner for me.

Sorry to keep you waiting, 

I’m hoping things will get better...

in time...

[wordsnpens]

They don't like to listen

They don't like to care

Something should be done

But we all know nothing will change

It's all my fault

I'm all to blame

I'm letting this feeling fester so i've been taught a lesson

I'm not sure what the lesson is exactly

I'm sure i'll learn something