wings&halo

cemetery of stars whose cores have collapsed..

[consensualkink]

one year ago, i thought i wouldn't make it.

but i'm back here where i used to belong and although it doesn't feel like home anymore, i can't find any lingering familiarity as well.

this blog was started during the early years of my youth. i never thought i would ever outgrow it, carve a place for myself somewhere else; starting anew without all of my past following me along.

but i did. i'm grateful for where i used to be and i'm also grateful that i'm able to grow beyond that person.

for years, i wondered what is happiness. where will i go. where will i end up. how am i going to navigate life while not wanting to live.

like the moon, i went through my phases. in the uncertainty of everything, i was my one constant and persevered.

now that i've prevailed, i still don't feel much fondness for living however i don't want to regret anymore. i want to make up for those years i spent hating and being despaired.

i don't wake up and see the sun in a different luminosity, the sky has always been blue but i'm the one who's new nowadays.

i came here with the intention of deleting things but i was meant to experience those thoughts, write those feelings and just needed somewhere to vent my youthful rage.

i'm an adult now and i feel like an adult by my own standards. i appreciate the haven that this place provided me with back when i had no sense of direction on how to be myself or this life i didn't ask for.

the things that used to matter the world to me have now become a part of the vast universe as i create a new world, no longer defined by what once was.

i'll always miss this place. i know i'll look back in fondness, nostalgia and pangs of forgotten heartbreaks. i needed to move on though and i did.

thank you to my younger self who pushed through, despite all the frustrations and hopelessness, you made it. you made it this far. i'm proud of you. we didn't become extraordinary but we are alive and i think we all should start from somewhere.

i'm alive and i will move forward.

[consensualkink]

This is the end of me here. I really hope I wouldn't return to the comforts of my past aka the safe haven here.

See you around somewhere in this vast world.

[consensualkink]

if casey ever called me “bestie”, i would immediately break down into tears because no way in hell am i allowing my best friend of five years who’s as close to me as a brother now, my platonic soulmate, reduce me into twt slang. 

i refuse. strongly. 

[consensualkink]

When did the playlists reach 100 songs 😭😭 Do I listen to music that much? Wow.

[consensualkink]

Okay, yes, I’m talking about Helios’ playlist, what about it.

[consensualkink]

from outside the looking glass, everyone who peered in would deem my love for you as admirable. constantly, every single time, without fail .. i’d be met with wonder and amazement; “how do you love somebody that much?”

the answer is, i do not know. i have no idea why anymore. i can’t seem to remember any particular heart-wrenching reason or an earthquake inducing, life shattering memory where my love for you burgeoned to this extent. it has always been as simple as breathing. with each breath i take, i loved you. with each expansion of my diaphragm, i loved you. and with this final exhale in your name, i love you. 

all i knew was that it grew day by day, piece by piece, from one word to a string of sentences then a collection of messages until it became whole, still incomplete yet a larger piece of a medallion awaiting its fragments. 

i’m a poet, i have always been a writer. for the past sixteen years, my value was weighed in my ability to tie letters together and formulate a semblance of some coherent thought; i experience life in abstracts and the same was my perspective on our love. maybe we really did love each other, maybe we were just one of those “life lessons” for one another, maybe we’ve always held the destiny of “right person, wrong time” and the unsung heroes in a love story where sometimes the person we love isn’t meant to be together forever with us. 

you were wrong about how i have moved on. you had forgotten how i waited for you for months.. one week or two weeks is no time at all, not even a scratch or a dent in my love. 

[consensualkink]

You are truly the most cruel to the person who loves you unconditionally. Dare I say, ungrateful as well. I could never do that because hurting you hurts me too. I could never act in a way that’s the opposite of my words; I’m not a hypocrite whose talk is cheap. I don’t take promises lightly, my heart is earnest and loyal. The lack of trust, the inability to believe, the assumptions and accusations, the double standards and immature sense of fairness, the stubbornly prideful arrogance, the absence of apologies. You’d rather believe the whispers carried by the wind than my own voice.

It is not my loss.

All this while, I have never expressed publicly to respect your wishes but I’m tired. When was the last time I received similar level of consideration and compassion from you?

I’m tired of the way you keep to yourself. I’m tired of the way you begged for my utmost honesty and truest self yet never hesitate to scowl my way the moment those things appear. I’m tired of your empty promises and inability to act on your words. I’m tired of the way you only know how to bring things up when it’s my space to express and never learned to ask for your own space; you can’t give and take, you do not know how to prioritise someone before yourself. Always gotta have the final say. I’m tired of loving someone who doesn’t acknowledge the value of my love, my efforts, my determination for the sake of our relationship. I’m tired of the cowardice, the avoidance, the constant runaway attempts. I’m tired of the way you fear changes. I’m tired of continuously being doubted and misunderstood. I’m tired of being blindsided by accusations. I’m tired of worrying about saying the wrong things, I’m tired of worrying about making you upset and risk losing you. I’m tired of helplessly watching as you treat me like I never meant anything to you. I’m tired of how you hardly tried to communicate.

All the things I’ve done and you still left anyway. There was never a right answer or the correct way to love you; it was just, you. Your reaction, your responses, your acceptance, your disagreement, it was always just you; everything was dependent on you. And you chose to not do it, that was your answer.

You’ve always been the one who acts cruelly to the people who loved them. And this time, I hope I’ll be the one to give you that feeling. The sunken sensation of your heart dropping, the loss of direction as all the memories are wiped out from existence, the purposeful hurting. It is easier to forget than to forgive because forgiveness requires acceptance and humility.

I hope your heart is finally moved the way you did to mine. I hope you can feel your soul quivering and how it’s caving in from feeling so distraught. I hope you’ll finally taste the regrets you were more willing to face than fighting for my love. I hope your afternoons are dull and your night too silent. I hope your heart clenches painfully everytime the moon visits you, she was my attentive listener.

I hope your body will tense up everytime you walk past a florist shop or a patch of flowers. I hope you’ll never look at golden pink and purple skies the same way. I hope you’ll hesitate before every sip of your cranberry juice and your coffee is always a tad too bitter.

[intertexts]

rigging & power lines r like siblings i think.

[intertexts]

these r like brothers to me.

[atzupdates]

[240225] ATINY ZONE | ATEEZ X ANITEEEZ sent you a gift 🎁

[consensualkink]

I used to stay in the same spot shamelessly regardless of the storms that washed over me. But the memories are too painful and my heart is too heavy, for the first time in life; I’ll have to step away. 

[ruhlare]

"carry me with you"

[disgustinggf]

[givemearmstopraywith]

we are so obsessed with beauty that we forget that love has nothing to do with beauty. love doesn’t presuppose beauty: love creates it. beauty is a finite thing, love is not. beauty cannot come before love, but love makes anything beautiful. 

[zegalba]

White Silk Wedding Corset

[astralitys-deactivated20230516]

Awaiting the day I see my sweet girlfriend in this.

[consensualkink]

So in love with you, I feel lightheaded with all these emotions. Thrumming with the excitement and anticipation of seeing my lover while wearing the prettiest outfits for him to worship me in. 

[elbiotipo]

Me: Did you know that medieval cathedrals weren't actually supposed to be dark and rundown places with only stained glass as color? They were bright places full of light... the reason they look like that now is because of the centuries of accumulated grime and dust, here look at this restoration of the Cathedral of Chartres in France:

It's based on actual paint from the times, and when you think about it, it makes a lot more sense, after all a church is supposed to be a bright place of hope. Yet when we think about the middle ages we think about grimy and dark cathedrals. I wonder how much of our conception of history is shaped by our current visions of historical buildings.

My Goth GF: listen, I don't think this thing between us is working,

[ruhlare]

I am the one who wants to listen to your voice just to check if you are really doing good or if I can hear your tiredness you try to hide because you don't want be a burden to me, but little do you know it's a blessing for me to be with you in times of sorrow and to outlove your pain

[ruhlare]

[aforlorngazeintoyesterday-deact]

ok but genuinely actually here’s a helpful tip for people struggling to gauge how bad their physical symptoms are: ask yourself if you would be concerned if someone else told you they were experiencing the same thing. if the answer is yes then yeah. you should apply that same care and concern for yourself. you’re a person too, if it would be a cause for concern for a friend, it should be for you too.

[infectiouspiss]

as above (insane in the head) so below (insane in the pussy)