It’s been a good run.
I’ve spent so much time here documenting and cultivating who I am. Every single moment. All of the suicide attempts, all of the binging, all of the longing for romantic love. All of the attempts and fails at self-love. All of the accomplishments. All of the dreams. In a way, Tumblr was my first form of manifestation.
I came here when reality was too much. When I needed validation. When I needed proof that the things I was feeling were real. And that’s beautiful, that’s honestly what community is. But also..in so many other ways it’s ruined things.
Like my perception of people. My overromantization of love. My willingness to give myself away even if it drains me. It normalized abuse in many ways. Taught me that love is the best feeling in the world but it still the most dramatic and damaging, and sad. And that is a sad way to live.
And in many ways I think the social media outlets we use shape us. We make jokes about the differences between Facebook, Tumblr and Twitter. And they have some truth. And Tumblr has made me super melodramatic, and I don’t want to be that person anymore. I don’t feel safe here.
But regardless, Tumblr has shaped a lot for me. It’s kept me alive. It’s cradled me. It’s embraced me. But it’s time I start feeling all of these things on my own. I have to stop looking for words and make my own instead. Stop looking for emotional and physical validation. Stop dumping things here and not dealing with them. Just because you admit something to yourself doesn’t mean the work is done.
And I’m realizing that not a lot of people are capable of living this way. Of identifying a problem, figuring out a solution, how to implement it, and then finally — changing their behavior. They can only do one, or a combination of the four. And so, I think this is goodbye. To all of the toxicity that is #me #personal.
Letting it all go. The stalker ex-boyfriends, the late night rants, the memories of love that I once wanted so badly, it’s time to grow up.
