Yes And

Unrehearsed comedy drama

[sanann7]

I don’t know how to explain the way I adore Normal People, the TV Show and the book too. The reason why is this one scene (among others, but this one really hits me) the one where Marianne’s brother breaks her nose, Connell finds out and comes and gets her away. And then, they sit in the car, and when he says “Everything’s gonna be alright again, trust me. Because I love you” this scene hits me so deeply because, as weird or sick as it sounds, it’s what I wish for. I wish for someone to see me, right at my most vulnerable moment, even hurt, physically or emotionally, and they’d say “everything’s gonna be okay, trust me. Because I love you”.

The worst thing is, I t’ll never happen, because I never let myself be this vulnerable around anyone ever, even if I really want to, I cannot. I tried so many times but I just can’t get past myself, my own guard, to let anyone see anything, that is actually deeply intimate or personal for me.

[sanann7]

Weirdly, it’s all colliding. The happiness, that will last for eternity. The depression, that feels like it’s been with me forever.

[sanann7]

May my children never recognize me by the sound of my footsteps.

[sanann7]

My MUst bE IndEpEndEnD self is having a rough time.

“WhY Am I sO clIngY” keeps going trough my head, while the only safe space seem to be his hands on my back.

[sanann7]

The thing is, I’m genuinely happy. I kinda thought that sometimes I’ll be very happy but like not for a long period of time. Now it looks like It’ll last forever. But I can still feel the depression inside me. I can’t locate it, but there’s a part in my brain where it lives. Or more like, where it collides with me. It’s a part of me that I’ll never be able to get rid of. All I’m trying to say is, it’ll be very hard and tiring, but I have a chance for a proper life now. And I believe that.

[sanann7]

“Will you be my girl?” had me. I said yes.

[sanann7]

Started therapy the other day. Unlocked some mental shit. I’m honestly just scared.

[sanann7]

Every touch was a heal on my soul, I didn’t fucking know that’s what I needed. I never expected it to be him. And at the same time, deep down I knew, because who else.

[sanann7]

I need to forgive them. But I’m not ready yet.

I still need a mom.

I still need a dad.

They’re both here and alive, but they can’t be my mom and my dad.

I needed them to be my mom and dad when I was little, and they weren’t, now I need a mom and a dad more than ever.

But they cannot be that now, because they never were.

And I can’t forgive them, for what they were. Not yet.

[sanann7]

I swear, my only problem is how much I love the company of other people. I wish so fucking much to be an introvert, closed alone at home doing stuff by myself and feeling happy about it.

No. I’m a needy little fuck.

[sanann7]

I just really need to not be my own company anymore. I don’t think it is okay to leave me by myself. I’m just really scared.

[sanann7]

“Coming to the conclusion that I have a crush on a guy, then taking action and telling the guy about the crush I have on him, only to overthink myself into “what if It’s me hyperfixating and having low dopamine” and then getting depressed and then reciving a TikTok from a friend about you being a bad person and then realizing I’m a bad person (even if it might not be my fault) and then falling even deeper in depression” is gonna be the name of the coffe shop I’d like to open some day.

[sanann7]

The need to tear off my skin and scream as loudly as possible until my throat breaks is getting bigger and bigger every second.

*mic drop*

[sanann7]

I really need a hug.

[sanann7]

[sanann7]

The thing is, I see myself. No one sees me the way I see myself. No one’s there for me the way I need. No one feels the way I feel. No one has the needs that I do. That’s no ones fault. I just know how terribely doomed I am. How I cannot stand living in this world, anywhere. Every time I end up suffering, deeply. It’s just tragic to be this way and no one’s to blame. It is just the way it is.

[sanann7]

Why do I have to keep explaining myself? I already did that so many times, I’m just tired.