TeenageWasteland @cookemonster - Tumblr Blog

I’ve been feeling super stuck in my career. I feel like I’ve been trying for a good 6-8 months to get another job and i’m exhausted. Two interviews that resulted in nothing. I keep telling myself I’ve got be close to getting something better but i’m getting so tired of trying and on top of that its getting harder and harder for me to even want anything to do with my job right now. As much as I try to remind myself how thankful I should be i just need to gtf. Nothing can prepare you for how draining it can be to HAVE to do something solely for the basis of survival. I wish I had a financial cushion to fall back on so I could just take one long break but that doesn't exist for me. I’m trying my hardest to not let depression consume me but it’s getting so hard. Focusing on everything I have control over and trying to throw myself back into the things that make me happiest

#life

yesterdaysprint

Arizona Republic, Phoenix, Arizona, September 22, 1930

logged back in to this bitch after a year or so to rant

At the point where I HATE MY FUCKING JOB UGHHHHHHHHHHH fuck I don’t wanna “coordinate” another fucking event here.

The thing is it could be better in a lot of ways. It’s just how tf do they not realize they have worked me to the fucking ground in the last year? beyond over it. just waiting to hear back from a few positions i applied for cos this shit aint it at all. And honestly with the pto i haven’t used im gonna put in my two weeks and just not show up. bye bye bye. fuck.

focusing on something that will bring even more financial freedom, something that I enjoy something that doesn’t bring any unnecessary stress, something where i can actually have work and life balance and have weekends to myself again. Like damn missing out on so much for this shit and for what?

I absolutely refuse to still be here by the start of the new year. Gotta make some shit happen.

tiferet

candy girl - yoshitaka amano

modelsof-color

Theresa Meriam by Sam Nixon for Autre Magazine - Sept 2021

oceanuminternobis

~ Yoshitomo Nara - OH! MY GOD! I MISS YOU.

2001 - Museum of Modern Art, New York.

c86

Casino Royale, 1967

Artwork by Robert McGinnis

toshihiko-okuya

210110 - Toshihiko Okuya

Releasing

This week for my own sake I’m going to try my best to release everything that I hold on to that causes blockages for me emotionally, physically and creatively. I’m gonna write down all insecurities that still bubble up. I’ve made a lot of changes and have grown so much I deserve to fully exist here now without thoughts that hinder me, discourage me, and prompt doubt within myself. I’ve got to stop holding shit over my own head and get tf on. I don’t want to project my shit on to anyone. I don’t wanna bring up old shit to my partner anymore.

More importantly I don’t want to bring these blockages into my new space.

I’m being very intentional about how I want to curate my new spot, from the things that fill it and the people that can fill it. Last year got a little too crazy lol don’t need any 4 am coke dealers hanging around my shit. Lot of fun times but just not the shit I need now. (As often) lol

I’m beyond proud of myself for getting through this last year and half. Moving to a different town. Having to meet new people/friends. Had a rough year settling into a job. Bartended at 3 diff places had a hotel job, worked in warehouse had an editing freelance gig for an old guy that ended up being a creep. You fucking name it, I did it. Then covid leaving me unemployed for a couple of months. The loss of my grandpa. Apt lease ended while unemployed had no choice but to move out. Followed by 7/8 months of living at my bf parents house.

I was definitely thankful that they let us stay in their home and did what they could to welcome me. But there’s just NO way at all to exist as an adult under the roof of your Sig others parents crib. I definitely could feel all the ways that I was shrinking myself in small ways just to be “accepted” or deemed “ a good girlfriend” Not that they expected anything of me or gave me hard time. It was just my own projection of wanting to be liked. You can’t be your authentic self when you do shit like that. so i’m beyond ready to get back into myself, i’m ready to come back home to myself. Not to mention having to live out of our storage boxes never having a space to unpack my shit in. It wasn’t easy at all and often i felt i couldn’t express that because for my partner it was obv a different situation with it being his own parents that he’s accustomed to. And what do I look like bitching about that to him when his parents are already being courteous by letting me in. I’ve had to literally just roll with shit and keep it moving. Which anyone who knows me, knows that ain’t me, but I bit my tongue out of respect. Now it’ll be back to visiting and catching up over dinner then going home. Not getting caught in lectures or feeling the tense environment that would culminate at times with shit not even involving us but somehow getting tied to.

Not having a space that was for myself, my Own room, safe space that was filled with my shit had def starting taking a toll mentally especially during a pandemic where you can’t even really do shit to escape it. Right when it began to get cold is when I started feeling those strong urges to gtf out. I am so grateful for cashing in on that good ole transformative energy. never stopping to push myself to get to where i’m at now, with a job that I really like that aligns with what I wanna do as far as winery and brewery events/social media, a new apt that’s better than the last and a restored since of awareness and kindness towards myself.

fucking thankful

we did it joe

Ya know this January is actually going by faster than it seems to go by most years. It usually takes me awhile to get used to the new year but this time not so much.

I started off on the sober tip for 2 weeks and now just planning to scale back on alcohol completely going forward. The biggest thing I’ve learned is that most of what we do is just done out of HABIT not even because we actually want to do that. Like the days where I was “tempted” to drink wasn’t because I even needed or wanted it just because I was used to it.

With that being said I just want to put a lot of focus into making better habits. So far, so good I’ve been getting back to reading more, taking my vitamins, using cbd for better sleep to change my schedule.

Biggest thing I’m working on now is making myself become a morning person. One thing that has been benefical of implementing the use of cbd is that waking up I don’t have that initial fog anymore. So I just want to be more productive in that time with stretching, setting my daily intentions and alla that.

Today I went to look at a new spot and its sooo cute :’) two bedrooms so ill finally get to make a studio space. Sent in the app for it so I won’t be able to do shit till I hear back. I’ve missed having my own space so much its only been 8 months since moving out but I NEED this for my mental.