WARNING: Contains Anxiety/Depression, Anxiety Attack.
PAIRING: V/Hope
SUMMARY: Hoseok has a daily struggle with his career and life in general--but everything is amplified by his younger boyfriend, Kim Taehyung, who has yet to go to the military and will be leaving soon.
WORD COUNT: 1062
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Hoseok tries to ignore the pulsing pain in the left of his chest. He tries is damn hardest to hold back the pressure behind his eyes, begging to release the tears he had held for hours at work; all while smiling to those at his workforce to uphold his professionalism and renown infectious positive energy.
He shoves the convoluted emotions that had been stirring within far down into his core until he can no longer feel. This was how he got through his day—his every day. Hoseok puts on a smiling mask that does not quite fit right—but it does not matter as it is convincing to those who do not really know him.
The moment he is free from preying eyes he shuts down. The feelings shoved down have become lost in his infinite black pit and he is left with nothing but a hallow loneliness that he carries as he walks to the station, the subway, and to his home to his three roommates.
Never has Hoseok wanted to bring down his roommates; however, he could not control his emotional aura, which has always been strong enough to control a whole room or party. It was both a gift and a curse, a talent and a flaw. Hoseok wished nothing more than to be invisible these days, but his aura would never allow as such. No one speaks when Hoseok comes in, because they can feel the intensity radiate from him.
At first, they all exchange looks until one decides to speak.
“How was work, Hyung?” It is Jimin who speaks. Soft and gentle as always. Hoseok always appreciated how tactful and careful Jimin was with his words—but today, he had nothing left to give.
Silence for a few seconds. “It wasn’t too rough today?”
Today was not a bad day Hoseok tries to tell himself. Although he stumbled through his explanations, in the end, some of his students got it and that was enough for him. Nobody hated him at the end of the day, it seemed. In fact, he had even complimented by some of his students, although he could not gather the reasons why since he felt like he was a bumbling disorganized mess every day.
Hoseok just shrugs, “It was fine, I guess.”
He can feel eyes on him—all three of his roommates watching in concern. Namjoon’s voice calls from the table, “Talked to Taehyung today?”
The very mention of Hoseok’s boyfriend caused his shoulders to tense, his tongue too dry to speak. He hardly heard Seokjin elbowing Namjoon rather gruffly in the arm and Namjoon’s quick yelp.
“Yeah, a little.” Hoseok attempts to play things cool as he drops his bags by the couch and hangs his jacket in the closet.
“I thought you were gonna meet today?” Jimin isn’t trying to prod, Hoseok has to remind himself. Jimin is not trying to remind Hoseok of his plans with his boyfriend to make him feel terrible—it was out of concern, it was out of concern, it was out of concern.
“No. He cancelled on me last second.”
Seokjin snorts, “Coward…”
“Hyung!” It was Namjoon’s turn to hiss at Seokjin, which only earned him another elbow to the gut.
“I’m sure you’ll be able to meet soon, Hyung…I’m sure Tae’s just busy preparing…you know?”
Hoseok escapes to the room he shares with Seokjin and falls with all of his weight onto his bed. He bounces, but it is lifeless and weak. The tears that Hoseok withheld all day come falling vigorously. Panic raises in his chest in a burning sensation, stealing his ability to breathe. His tears choke him and clog his nostrils, as he remains face down into his pillow to muffle the pathetic sounds.
It was coming, he knew. His body begins to curl in on itself, his knees reach desperately for his chest to protect the shaking ribcage. One hand then clutches the sheets while the other balls into a tight fist.
The wave comes and he chokes for a second before tightening his jaw into a death squeeze. His entire body tenses like his jaw, and his fingers dig into his palm. Choking. Unable to breath. Each breath was short and wheezing. He tries to pull from the panic of his burning lungs and pounding heart by focusing on the biting pain in his right palm. The pain reminds him he is still alive—he can still feel.
He chokes another sob into his pillow weeping unintelligible muffled words. The feelings previously ignored bubble and boil in his core. It burns up his throat until he is sobbing out every emotion he had held in within the day in violent heaves.
It continues for another ten minutes—off and on he feels his body tense desperately to keep in the scream that desires to burst from within him. However, he is soon exhausted and his muscles can no longer clench together. His short, laboured breaths became long and deep. He remembers what his counsellor in the past had said to him about breathing and feeling stability.
“The f-floor…” he huffs. His legs feel heavy with exhaustion, but he must move—if he does not find stability, he will panic again.
“I n-need…th-the fl-floor…”
His leg slips over the edge, and with a few more pushes, Hoseok lowers himself to the floor. The cool wood kisses his flushed cheek, and the hardness keeps Hoseok grounded—literally.
For how long he lies there, Hoseok is not sure, and he really does not care either. He focuses on his breathing, the feeling of the floor beneath his fingertips and the weight of his legs press against the ground.
You’re alright. You made it. You made it.
His phone vibrates next to him on the floor. It had been carried down with the blankets that Hoseok had dragged down with him. Although heavy and laden with exhaustion, Hoseok turns himself onto his back and tilts his aching neck just enough to view the caller.
TaeTae~ reads on the screen.
Again Hoseok’s stomach clenches and his chest feels tight. Hoseok cannot find the strength to reach for his phone and answer. He just stares at his phone with a perplexed glare.
I will never date someone who hasn’t gone to the military again.
