INFJ Mirroring (pt 1)
I hate the image of INFJs that is frequently presented online. If one was to read personality site descriptions, the general impression is that the INFJ is a psychic empath with the power to change the world who walks on water and understands the mysteries of the universe while maintaining a breathtaking balance of strength and fragility that defies understanding.
Um. *cough* Bullshit.
That drivel is written either by people who don’t understand INFJs or by INFJs who need their ego stroked. I wish they’d go found a cult or something because they really give the wrong impression…and they fuel the tidal wave of people who took a quick online test, came out (incorrectly) INFJ, and now think they’re Jesus on a luck dragon.
In a way, I understand where the myth comes from, but it’s really misunderstood. Empaths? Hell. No. INFJs are just really good at knowing what people want to see, need to see, and showing exactly that. There’s a term for it – it’s called INFJ Mirroring.
In order to understand what’s really going on, you have to understand the IN*J function stack. For an IN*J the instinctive, easiest way of dealing with the world is through Introverted Intuition. So we make intuitive leaps…we just “get” stuff. But that’s not all there is to it. The thing that makes IN*Js look “magical” to others is the fact that our last function is Extroverted Sensing. We are constantly taking in the world around us, picking up details, stimuli…we just don’t realize we’re doing it. When you feed that stream of sensory data into the world filter of Introverted Intuition, we use all of that info to fuel those leaps. We look as if we’re telepathic. Really, we’re just oblivious to the massive amounts of data our brain is using to “get” stuff through deduction.
For INFJs, that ability to just seem to get stuff is compounded by the Extroverted Feeling that’s our secondary function – the second most important part of dealing with our world. We make those intuitive leaps…and we apply them to emotional and social contexts. That means that when we’re talking to you – whether “you” is an individual or an audience – we intuitively sense what you want and expect…and we give it to you.
That’s mirroring. It’s this subconscious feedback loop that picks up on all the little social cues in an interaction, matches them to what we know about social norms and contexts, and then responds in the way the audience wants. It comes out as warmth, social connection, empathy.
Most often, it’s not. Yeah, I know…I just pissed of a lot of INFJs. But really, we’re not always that empathetic, especially as we mature. INFJs tend to be very private and very intense. We have a surface connection, a basic empathy, sure. But most of that is the result of mirroring what you need. We protect the really sensitive, emotional core of connection, reserving it for the few people we let in. The rest of it is a lot of instinct and a little emotion.
That ability to mirror is powerful, and it can be used. When you have a knack for showing people what they want to see, everyone has a different image of who you are – an image that frequently resembles their idea of themselves. Year in and year out, I have students and administrators who think they’re my dear friends. They tell me that we’re “just alike.” Or, my favorite among older faculty and administrators, that I remind them “of a younger version of myself.” Actually, they’re just seeing me instinctively mirror them; they see surprisingly little of me. Do I let them remain under the impression that they know me? Of course.
INFJs aren’t psychic or empathic. They’re just good at mirroring. And, of course, depending on upbringing and environmental factors, they can be really…really…really good at mirroring. Yes, mirroring is exhausting, even when you’re doing it instinctively. It contributes to social burnout and makes the INFJ need to escape from interactions with others. But when you’re in the midst of it? In the moment? You know how to create the needed connections; you get caught up in the reflection, and quite frequently, you totally empathize. Until the mirror falls empty again.
