Thoughts on our Journey with Dissociative Identity Disorder

System of 15+ figuring out how to make our life work with continued dissociation, chronic fatigue and daily trauma flashbacks. Dedicated to helping others understand our mental illness with education.

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

“Freedom is being you without anyone’s permission.”

— Unknown

[survivormind-deactivated2020041]

For me, the trauma isn’t the “trauma”. It’s not what people did to me behind closed doors and in dark rooms.

The trauma is what happened in between. It was family members telling little me that I just had an overactive imagination. It was seeing abusers being loved and adored by people who were supposed to love me. It was caregivers telling me that I was scared for no reason and I was being rude for not giving hugs and kisses to the people who hurt me. It was everyone who made me doubt my perception of reality by telling me that my emotions and experiences weren’t valid.

My trauma isn’t the act that made me scream. My trauma is watching those screams land on deaf ears over and over and over.

[copaceticsystem-blog]

Traumaversary nearing and this is a good way to remember that my feelings ARE valid.

[walkingbomb]

reminder to:

straighten your back

go pee goddAMN IT STOP HOLDING IT

go take your meds if you need to

drink some water

go get a snack if you havent eaten in a while

maybe wander around the house/stretch a little if you’ve been sat at the computer a while (artists especially: sTRETCH THOSE WRISTS)

reply to that text/message from earlier you’d forgotten about

maybe send a nice lil message to someone having a bad day?

[mouthfullofsxnd]

I just would like to thank everyone who ever reblogs this so that it somehow ends up back on my dash because I usually need the reminder (especially the drinking water one)

[copaceticsystem-blog]

Need this.

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

“But don’t forget who you really are. And I’m not talking about your so-called real name. All names are made up by someone else, even the one your parents gave you. You know who you really are. When you’re alone at night, looking up at the stars, or maybe lying in your bed in total darkness, you know that nameless person inside you.”

— Louis Sachar

[jelrix]

When most people say, “I wouldn’t be the person i am today without my parents”, they mean it in a positive context.

Lucky them.

[copaceticsystem-blog]

This hit us by hard.

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

“All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped. Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack, a few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces, beyond repair.”

— Mitch Albom

[copaceticsystem-blog]

#truth

[life-with-bpd-things-blog]

just a quick reminder

selfishness is putting the wants of yourself over the needs of others. 

self respect is putting the needs of yourself over the wants of others.

one is disregarding others, one is taking care of yourself. 

the difference between the two is the difference between being a friend and a doormat. 

taking care of yourself does not make you a bad person

i repeat:

taking care of yourself does NOT make you a bad person

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

10 Steps to Self Care

1. Be aware of, and respect, your emotional limits.

2. Don’t be a people pleaser.

3. Take control of your thoughts.

4. Listen to your heart.

5. Be kind to yourself; don’t tear yourself down.

6. Learn to take control of, and to manage, your time.

7. Let go of those things you can’t control.

8. Stay away from drama and negativity.

9. Say “yes” to those things that are important to you.

10. Get plenty of sleep, and make time for solitude.

[copaceticsystem-blog]

Good reminders.

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

How to be Mindful in your Daily Life

1. Allow and accept the different feelings you experience – knowing these will change throughout the day.

2. Don’t judge yourself for having negative feelings.

3. Don’t believe every thought that pops into your head. Some of these are true, but many will be false.

4. Slow down and take life at a manageable pace.

5. Stay in the present; do one thing at a time.

6. Let go of the need to control everything.

7. Practise being curious; notice little things.

8. Use your 5 senses to become more aware of what is happening all around you in the world.

9. Nourish and take care of your body and mind.

10. Practice contentment and gratitude.

[copaceticsystem-blog]

Today we are having tough go of it - already. This really hit home except for number 8 because the world around us never feels real. -MaKayla

[copaceticsystem-blog]

We all agreed to therapy - but it gives us all the feels.

Last Friday we saw a new therapist for the first time.  This isn’t her first rodeo with dissociative identity disorder and her expertise is with alternative treatments, which is what we wanted so we had high hopes.   and we were excited - because this was the first time we planned to tell someone everything about our trauma and our multiple personalities. But it’s proven to be harder than we could have ever imagined.  Therapy days are tough.  The system is always malfunctioning on the day of our appointment.  We’re all at the front and we’ve been pacing up and down the path since the sun started to rise. Everyone is right by the bench and so close to the driver’s seat that we don’t know who we are unless we are speaking (or choosing a music station) - we all want to make sure our voices are heard in therapy.  

And if we’re honest, we all want to protect each other from what might happen there. 

It’s scary.  Every little bit of it.  Admitting that what you experience isn’t “normal,” is a hard thing but lucky for us, MaKayla and Izzy have tons of practice jumping right to acceptance.  What was hardest for us was finding the words to say to the people you love.  No one ever prepared any of us for telling someone that there is more than one person living in our body. But we were ready and we knew that we had to get help.

We dove right in to asking the voices in our head questions in our journal and were surprised when we started to get answers. Once we started to get answers on paper, it instantly felt like we were aware.  All of us.  

and that’s when we began to pay attention...

to the buzzing in our head

to the hot wave of energy wash over us

to the sense of self settling in

to the triggers 

and to the strengths of that person 

and how they can help the system.

We figured that was the only way to be able to negotiate.  And honestly, negotiation seems to be our way of life.  Which is much better than it used to be.

We used to take over with no warning.  We impersonated the host and no one knew.  Some of us stuck around for an evening, some for years. It’s what we do to cope and there isn’t a reason for us to stop.  It helped us survive.  

and all of us agree on one thing - we would be happier if we didn’t have to fight so much to do that. We trust Izzy and know she and Sarah will look out for the rest of us.  Even though we’ve unanimously decided that it’s time to heal from all of our trauma and learn to work together . . .

the anxiety around therapy and leading up to a session will never go away.  

Because there will always be more trauma.  There will always be more stress.  There will always be another reason to cope.

and now we ALL are aware that it is ok to be not ok.  

[copaceticsystem-blog]

June 2018 System Map

One week ago today we had our first appointment with a therapist that specializes in Dissociative Identity Disorder.  While we were there we drew a “system map”, but Gage wasn’t out and he’s in charge of all drawing/designing when it comes to our system so we asked him to do a better one. From Gage:

I don’t really take over the body too often.  I don’t really want to.  That’s how people will get to know about me and I prefer people learn about me thru my art, which is nearly impossible.  Just how I like it.   This is more in the “system” style than mine alone, but that’s what everyone wanted - so that’s what I did.  Julia is going to explain the map in a Youtube video in more detail but for now - here it is.