Poems of the Self-Conscious

@copingwithjokes

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23 posts

Instant Gratification

Phone light, shine bright.

The first love I see tonight.

I wish I may, I wish I might.

Have the man I wish

Swipe right.

#tinder romance love app

Limmerick at 425 degrees

Where is it I wish I could be?

'Tis not on a beach, nor on the shore.

Alas, these dreams awaken much more.

You see, for me, happiness is the

abundance of unlimited pizza... For free.

#pizza #poem #limmerick #poetry #pizzapoetry

Do not disturb

Nothing quite as rebellious As hitting the snooze button; Nothing quite as liberating As not setting an alarm.

No Shame: A Haiku

Frozen burrito

Microwaved to perfection

Three nights in a row.

You are what you eat

Remember that one time

you asked how much I weigh

and I thought:

5 cheeseburgers,

3 burritos,

8 Kit Kats,

and one Diet Coke

(for irony)

Instead, I lied and said 135.

Even though it's completely inaccurate

disproportionate and impossible.

But it is what is laminated;

what the DMV deemed official.

And I want to eat my burrito in peace.

Defeat

And while I held my head,

devastated and feeble over the porcelain abyss,

I realized that I am not in college anymore.

One-sided

Hello.

Hello.

Did you get the attachment?

The what?

I sent it today.

But I...

He turned,

rolled his eyes with annoyance,

and revealed a Bluetooth.

#bluetooth #technology

Table for One

asdfghjklasdfghjkl

I type silently into my phone

fingers grazing the keypad

eyes staring intently

Onlookers will never suspect

that I eat lunch alone.

#solitude #loner

Insomnia

I lie awake

eyes ablaze; burning red,

perfectly still and petrified

as I stare into shadowy corners

and wonder if that spider

will end up in my mouth while I sleep.

Paranoia

Anxiety lurks

painstakingly in

the rearview mirror.

Hands clench -

sweating palms

and nervous glances;

deciphering between

the undercover cop

or just another grandma

driving a cadillac.

So, I didn't write this but it deserves a tip of the hat. "From one of my fourth graders at Tolson Elementary. Yes, folks, the future is in good hands. The leaders of tomorrow aren't just intelligent, creative, expressive, and driven, but have a wicked sense of humor too. --Eric Carr" Via Dear World

Hangover

The sun peeks through the shades,

delicately;

although you'd do anything

to bask in eternal darkness

as you peruse through the

regretful text messages

of last night.

Gym

I sat in the parking lot and

stared into the large windows.

I gazed at the free weights;

the room full of treadmills -

of human hamsters,

and girls sweating make-up.

The ellipticals with TVs

were occupied with spandex;

The weight machines

occupied with masculine ego.

I stared,

I thought,

I stared -

And decided to get a burger.

Fourth Meal

'Tis the broken heart

that suffers in sorrow,

until it heals and

once more accepts love.

'Tis the empty stomach

that leads to Taco Bell

at 2 a.m., alone,

as you contemplate your self-worth.

#Taco Bell #Love #Heartbreak

Bags Under My Eyes

Yes,

my wonderful, precious,

fellow collegiate neighbors -

You know me so well!

I do love falling asleep to

that new rap song

"Bouncin' on my Dick"

Dollar Beers

It's so romantic -

the way you

come from behind,

grope my body and

drunkenly whisper

the soothing lyrics of

"Get Low" into my ear.

Spam

I got so excited when

I saw that new notification.

But it wasn't you -

it was someone who

heard bad things about me

and wanted to enlarge my penis.

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