it pays to win.

hunter clarington-smythe. 32. Oh, hush, my dear, it's been a difficult year, and terrors don’t prey on innocent victims.

[corporateclarington]

f2f 002 ⇆ february 9th

formerclaringtonsmythe·:

The tightness in Sebastian’s chest eased up a bit as he saw Hunter smile. At least they still knew how to play the part of a happy couple, even if both of them knew how broken this relationship was. By this point in their marriage, most of it just came naturally. They knew how to move through the motions and do the right thing to make the other feel content, but that was the real issue, wasn’t it? Neither of them had ever been the type of men to settle for just being content.

He forced a small smile as Hunter told him they would have breakfast. Hopefully it wouldn’t be as quiet and uncomfortable as most of their meals were these days. Maybe Sebastian would try to fix things by convincing Hunter to take him on the kitchen counter, but even he knew how that would go. All of their sex over the past few months had been the same: just the two of them wanting to get off and barely looking at each other in the eyes as they did so. There was no intimacy anymore, and Sebastian wasn’t sure they would ever be able to bring it back.

“I like the sound of that,” he lied, trying to convince both Hunter and himself that he meant it. He laid there a few seconds longer before turning away from Hunter and pressing his back against his husband’s chest as he closed his eyes, as if being closer to him would somehow fix all of the problems in their marriage. He tried to find the words to say before drifting off to sleep, but ‘I love you,’ especially after the conversation they’d just had, didn’t feel right, and Sebastian wasn’t sure he’d be able to get them out if he wanted to.

“Goodnight, Hunt,” he murmured, already half-asleep as he pulled the blanket up over the two of them and drifted off, knowing this was as far away as he would be able to get away from this conversation, and that it would be waiting for him in the morning when they both woke up.

-

Hunter gave his husband another small smile as he agreed to breakfast as if they haven’t had thousands of them over the years. They never had to schedule one in the past and, fuck, was that sad. Something that was supposed to go unsaid now had to be laid out and explained. Hunter’s heart was breaking in two and he wanted to do anything and everything he could to make that feeling go away. As Sebastian moved closer to him, Hunter didn’t miss the opportunity to wrap his arm around his waist, the palm of his hand resting on his husband’s stomach. “Goodnight, Sebastian,” Hunter said softly against the back of his neck, hoping that when the morning came, things would be different.

Hunter was, naturally, the first one to wake up and it didn’t take long for him to already regret saying that he and Sebastian should have an intimate breakfast together. After the conversation they had last night, it sounded like a good idea, a step in the right direction, but now that it was morning and the dust had settled, Hunter had no fucking idea what they were going to talk about over eggs. But Hunter wanted to try and fix their relationship in any way that he could so he wasn’t going to just sit around and drive their relationship further into the ground. He needed to do something.

Instead of going straight to his office like he normally did on Saturday mornings, Hunter grabbed his phone, put on his slippers that Sebastian always made fun of, and went into their kitchen to make them some coffee. He couldn’t even remember the last time the two of them had coffee together, just relaxing and enjoying each other’s company. It used to come easy to them, without a thought, but now Hunter felt like a stranger in his own home.

After going to the bathroom, checking his emails, and only responding to a few instead of all of them, feeding Zinfandel and Merlot, and giving them fresh water, Hunter started making their breakfast. Sebastian was definitely the cook between them, but Hunter was the one that made them breakfast. Well, he used to be. Recently, they would either order food, eat leftovers or make something quick for themselves. Today, that was going to change.

While their scrambled eggs with spinach, along with a side of sweet potatoes were cooking, Hunter cut up strawberries, raspberries, blueberries, and a banana. After platting everything to look nice and then covering them with a plate cover, Hunter made his way back to their bedroom to wake his husband. “Sebastian,” Hunter said soothingly but loud enough to, hopefully, lure his husband out of sleep, all the while gently tapping his arm. “Breakfast is ready.”

[formerclaringtonsmythe]

f2f 002 ⇆ february 8th

[corporateclarington]

formerclaringtonsmythe:

Sebastian had never known Hunter to be an optimistic person and based on this conversation alone, he could see why; it didn’t suit him at all, and Sebastian wasn’t sure if even his husband was believing the line coming from his mouth. He didn’t know what this was that they had to get through, but that didn’t keep him from being almost certain that it wasn’t something they could fix. That wasn’t something he was going to voice tonight, though. If they were going to get any sleep, Sebastian knew that he had to just confirm what Hunter wanted to believe, even if his husband was clearly downplaying how broken their relationship had been lately. He accepted Hunter’s kiss before letting out a tired sigh, nodding his head in false agreement with his husband’s statement. “Okay, Hunter,” he replied, doing his best to sound like he believed him and hoping that Hunter would blame his lack of enthusiasm on him just being tired and having had too much to drink over the last few hours. Really, he should have been flattered; this was a sign that his husband loved him enough to want to do whatever he could to fix this, but maybe Hunter was just remembering how much he had loved what they used to have. Sebastian wasn’t so sure that their current relationship was worth loving. Something was missing, and he had no idea how to describe what their marriage had turned into. 

“Can we go to sleep now?” he asked, just wanting to close his eyes and pretend this night had never happened. Despite their argument and his conviction that their relationship was on a downward spiral, he wanted to fall asleep in Hunter’s arms. Maybe that way, he’d have those few seconds right before he fell asleep where he could pretend everything was the way it used to be. He brought his palm up to rest against his husband’s warm cheek, wanting to do his best to pretend that he really believed everything was going to be okay like Hunter claimed, that he was just tired and that was the cause of their failed marriage. “Please?”

The last thing Hunter wanted to hear after kissing his husband was a long, tired sigh, but he supposed that was where they were at, romantic wise. They still had sex, with both of their libidos they still wanted and liked sex, but Hunter couldn’t remember the last time they were intimate in any other way. That should have been Hunter’s first wake up call, but he honestly didn’t even realize it until recently. Or, more accurately, just in that moment. But at least Sebastian was agreeing with him so maybe there was time to fix the problems that they had because Hunter didn’t want to think of an alternate.

A frown rested upon Hunter’s lips when hearing Sebastian’s question, but he really shouldn’t have been surprised given how late it was and how drunk his husband was earlier, despite him sobering up a bit from their intense conversations. Hunter didn’t want the night to end because he was honestly afraid of what the morning brought, but he owed his husband enough to let him sleep and rest, hopefully feeling better and more optimistic in the morning.

His frown quickly turned into a small smile as he felt his husband’s hand against his cheek. Sebastian still knew what to do to calm Hunter down, and that had to mean something even if Hunter was sure the two of them haven’t said ‘please’ as much as they had in one night. He was going to look past that and just focus on Sebastian’s touch, which was much more important.

“Alright,” Hunter said softly, removing his hand from Sebastian’s neck to his waist, his thumb gently rubbing back and forth against his shirt in hopes that he could make Sebastian feel the same as he did. “Tomorrow morning. Just you and me,” he added a beat later as he lied his head down onto his pillow, tiredness suddenly catching up to him. “We’ll have breakfast.”

[formerclaringtonsmythe]

f2f 002 ⇆ february 8th

[corporateclarington]

formerclaringtonsmythe:

Sebastian did his best to avoid outwardly expressing how frustrated he was because, in all honesty, he didn’t know what he wanted from Hunter anymore. Of course part of him wanted his husband to touch him again, but he also hated how much Hunter’s touch made him think of how different things felt between them. It felt too much like pretending. But, Sebastian had always been the type of man to want what he couldn’t have, so when Hunter’s hand suddenly pulled away from him earlier, he decided that all he wanted was his husband’s touch, even if he knew it wouldn’t feel the same as it once had.

He opened his mouth to try to explain himself but quickly closed it, deciding against speaking. If Hunter didn’t see the connection between not touching him and them having a conversation about the state of their marriage, then Sebastian really didn’t know how to make that clear to someone who had never needed an explanation from Sebastian before. They used to know each other better than they knew themselves, and it broke Sebastian’s heart that he never even knew what Hunter was thinking anymore. They were so far from being on the same page that Sebastian wasn’t sure they would ever truly understand each other again. Hunter barely being able to touch him meant everything, and he wasn’t sure how he could have a conversation with someone who so clearly couldn’t even read what he wanted. Maybe part of that was Sebastian’s fault for being so closed off and not communicating better, but at some point in the last year, Sebastian had given up on trying to communicate what he wanted. They both had.

A tired sigh left his lips as he felt Hunter’s warm hand on his neck, though it didn’t bring the comfort that his husband’s touch used to carry. But it was still a sign of Hunter at least trying, and Sebastian couldn’t fault him for that. His eyes fell shut as Hunter started apologizing, and he wondered if his husband realized just how far past the point of apologies they were. Sorry wasn’t going to fix this, and Sebastian wasn’t sure his husband was ready to face that maybe this was something he couldn’t fix.

“I know,” he replied softly, opening his eyes to look back at Hunter. “I’m sorry too, but I don’t think that’s enough anymore.”

Hunter frowned deeply as he watched his husband about to speak, but, apparently, he decided against it and that wasn’t something Hunter was used to. Sebastian was already ready to talk and make sure his voice and opinions were heard, so if Hunter wasn’t already aware of how different their relationship was lately, tonight definitely solidified that, and then some. It was terrifying to not know what was going on in his husband’s mind because he used to be able to just glance at him, and he knew exactly what Sebastian thought. They weren’t on the same page as of late, and it showed tonight.

He felt as if his heart broke, once again, as his husband told him that him saying sorry wasn’t enough. Hunter knew, logically, of course, a couple of ‘I’m sorry’s’ wasn’t going to fix anything, but he had hoped it would do something because he truly and absolutely meant them. If they wanted to fix their relationship, it was going to take hard work and time, but, unfortunately, they both barely had enough time for themselves, let alone each other. Hunter wanted to make them work again though, so he was willing to try. He wasn’t going to be the reason they fell apart; at least, not the sole reason.

Hunter slowly and gently rubbed his thumb against Sebastian’s neck as he looked at his husband with sadness clear in his eyes. He might have been anger earlier but, ultimately, Hunter was just so fucking sad about the situation they got themselves into. “I know, Sebastian,” he said softly, waiting a couple of beats before leaning forward and pressing a soft but quick kiss to his husband’s lips. “We’ll fix it, alright? We can get through this.”

[formerclaringtonsmythe]

f2f 002 ⇆ february 8th

[corporateclarington]

formerclaringtonsmythe:

Sebastian knew it was unfair to throw Hunter’s work in his face again, especially when he wasn’t the only one who spent more time than he needed to in his office. It seemed that neither of them wanted to be home, which was a complete 180 from when they first married and took hours just to leave the house because they were too wrapped up in each other. It wasn’t fair to try to pretend this was Hunter’s fault, but Sebastian was tired and at this point, he didn’t really care what he said; he just wanted Hunter to feel something directed at him, even if it was anger.

He shook his head in annoyance at Hunter’s response, not seeing how it was all that different. Tired was tired, and Sebastian’s head wasn’t even close to being in the right mindset for him to figure out what his husband wanted from him. A heavy sigh left his lips as he pushed his fingers back through his hair, wondering how he could be this drunk and yet still feel like he needed a drink. Sometimes he just wished their relationship was the way it used to be, when they would just end their fights with sex, but Sebastian couldn’t even pretend to want sex with his husband right now.

“How?” he shot back, the muscles in his jaw tightening as he waited for Hunter’s answer. “How did you think things would be different, Hunter? You can barely touch me. Why would I want to talk to you right now?”

Hunter frowned deeply as he watched Sebastian sigh and run his fingers through his hair, something he only did when he was truly frustrated. He knew, logically, tonight wasn’t the best night to talk about such an intense topic, not with it being so late and Sebastian still being drunk, but Hunter was so scared that if they didn’t talk about it tonight, they never would. A part of Hunter wanted to go back to pretending everything was okay, but that wasn’t an option anymore, not after he realized the both of them fell out of love with one another months ago. They couldn’t go back, so the only option was to go forward.

As his husband spoke, Hunter’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion because he was completely under the impression that Sebastian didn’t want to be touched, and that was why Hunter kept pulling his hand away from him. When he asked Sebastian to come to bed with him, he honestly thought they could try to be intimate, not in a sexual way but in a comforting way. He didn’t realize that Sebastian may have felt the same way, but somewhere along the lines, Hunter didn’t notice. It was obvious he no longer was able to read Sebastian clearly, and that alone was pulling at his heart. He used to know his husband like the back of his hand; every mood, every facial expression was easily comprehensible to him and now, he felt like a stranger to him. But, no, that wasn’t right. They weren’t strangers, Hunter still knew everything about Sebastian and what he liked, he just forgotten what to give him in terms on making him happy.

“I was under impression you didn’t want to be touched by me,” Hunter said honestly, the fight quickly draining out of him once again. “But I don’t see how that has anything to do with talking to me,” he added, his eyebrows furrowing and his jaw clenched slightly before reaching a hand out so he could gently place the palm of his hand against the side of Sebastian’s neck. “I’m sorry, alright? I’m sorry for fucking everything.”

[formerclaringtonsmythe]

f2f 002 ⇆ february 8th

[corporateclarington]

formerclaringtonsmythe:

Sebastian’s eyes narrowed as he tried to figure out what the hell Hunter meant by his comment. What in the world had he expected to happen? And here Sebastian had thought his husband had invited him to bed to show that he actually wanted to share a space with him, though that had quickly been disproved when his husband couldn’t even lay a hand on him for longer than a few seconds.

“Well, that was your first mistake,” Sebastian scoffed, almost laughing at the thought, too drunk to realize his response was hardly appropriate or sensitive to the fact that they’d both just admitted out loud to being in a broken marriage. “Nothing ever happens in this fucking room.”

And he truly meant it too. Not only did they not have sex, but they didn’t really do anything. They slept, they got ready for work, and then they got ready for bed so they could sleep again. Their late night conversations before bed were few and far between, and they didn’t have much more to add to them in the morning when they were getting ready. Nothing ever happened in their room. Why would tonight be any different? Sebastian couldn’t remember the last time something had happened in this room, and he’d given up on hoping that something ever would. 

His heart sank a little in his chest when he realized Hunter was shaking, and he almost reached out to take Hunter’s hands in his own, but stopped himself. The last thing he wanted was for Hunter to push him away. He could only take so many hints of his husband not wanting to touch him in a single night. 

“Did it ever occur to you that I’m tired?” he questioned, his voice a little softer, though the anger was still there. “Just like you are every single night you come home late from work? But if you want to fix our relationship tonight, go ahead. I’m all ears,” he continued, throwing his hands up as if he was ready to give up and just let Hunter take over, despite the strong sarcasm laced in his voice.

Hunter couldn’t hide the surprise and hurt he felt at Sebastian’s reply even if he wanted to because he was absolutely right. He found himself not knowing what to say in response because of it; nothing he could say could justify why that was. The only thing they did in their bedroom lately was sleep and get ready for work and while they had sex every so often, their sex life wasn’t at all what it used to be. That should have been their first clue considering the fact that they normally always found time to be intimate, no matter their schedules.

“That’s not the fucking same, and you know it,” Hunter spat out, hating the fact that Sebastian was implying that it was all Hunter’s fault that they didn’t have meaningful conversation every night after work. He wasn’t going to lie and say he wasn’t part of the problem, but he wasn’t the only person in the relationship that has been too busy lately. “We just… fucking told each other we’re not--.” Hunter couldn’t bring himself to say it, not again. Knowing in his mind that they weren’t in love with each other anymore was one thing, but to admit it out loud was another.

“After the conversation we just had, I thought things could be different,” Hunter said sincerely, but bitterness clear in his voice as he looked over at Sebastian and tried to find something that wasn’t either boredom or anger. He couldn’t remember the last time Sebastian looked at him and Hunter didn’t see disappointment or contempt, either. It was obvious he didn’t make his husband happy anymore and it was clear as day that Hunter wasn’t happy either, he just didn’t know what they could do to be happy again. It happened slowly, their relationship turning for the worse, but also too fucking quickly that they both didn’t realize until tonight.

[formerclaringtonsmythe]

f2f 002 ⇆ february 8th

[corporateclarington]

formerclaringtonsmythe:

Sebastian’s jaw dropped for a second at Hunter’s response before he closed his mouth, rage quickly taking over as his husband just laid down next to him to go to sleep. Since they’d known each other, Sebastian had always been the dramatic one, but maybe it was time Hunter take on that title because he certainly fit the description. Was his effort to face Hunter and ask what he wanted not enough, or did Hunter expect Sebastian to instantly fix their relationship too? Sebastian wasn’t sure why he’d agreed to come to bed, but he was seconds away from grabbing his pillow and making his way back out to the couch. He was drunk and exhausted, but if Hunter needed this conversation to happen now, then Sebastian would make sure it happened now.

“No. What was so important?” he snapped as he sat up on the bed, the action dizzying him a bit, but he wasn’t about to let Hunter sleep now that he’d kept him from doing the same. Hunter had been the one afraid to touch him, but of course Sebastian was the bad guy for wanting to just go to sleep. It wasn’t his fault that Hunter hadn’t been the one to finally point out that their relationship was broken, after all. He wasn’t even sure if his husband had noticed it until tonight, but he was about to find out. “Or are you just pissed because now you can’t pretend things are fine anymore?”

Sebastian snapping back at him was incredibly unexpected. It wouldn’t have been before they started having their problems, no matter how backwards that was, but he honestly thought Sebastian was too tired of Hunter to care that Hunter was annoyed. Whether it was a good or bad thing that his husband felt strongly for him in some way was something he was unsure of. He wanted them to have a fight a minute ago, but now that one was on its way, he didn’t know how to feel about it. He was going to at least indulge it in, because he really was annoyed at their situation and maybe it would help their relationship in some way.

His facial expression quickly turned from confused to angry as Sebastian continue to speak, and he almost wanted his husband to go back to giving him one or two word answers. Hunter didn’t know what the fuck he wanted, other than getting them back to normal but that obviously wasn’t going to happen anytime soon.

“That’s not what I’m fucking doing, Sebastian,” Hunter said, anger obvious in every word he spoke as he sat up on the bed so he could get a better look at his husband, despite the fact that he looked just as furious as Hunter felt. “I was just under the impression that something was going to happen when we got into this room,” he added, his hands almost shaking, once again, at the strong emotion he was feeling. It had been such a long time since he really, truly felt anything and tonight he was pretty sure he felt at least a dozen of them. “Goddamn it,” Hunter cursed before letting out a shaky breath, wondering, once again, how they got where they were and why they didn’t notice any sooner.

[formerclaringtonsmythe]

f2f 002 ⇆ february 8th

[corporateclarington]

formerclaringtonsmythe:

Sebastian found himself almost flinching at Hunter’s hand, so unused to his husband ever touching him while they were in bed together, or at all for that matter. He’d been under the impression that Hunter had no interest in touching him or speaking to him for the rest of the night; their conversation had seemed pretty finished, and it was laughable to think that they were going to fix their relationship tonight. Not only was Sebastian drunk, but he was already convinced that there was no fixing their relationship. They’d had fights before and made up afterward, but this wasn’t just a fight. The two of them weren’t in love anymore, and Sebastian wasn’t sure that there was anything left to fix. That ship had sailed months ago, and they’d both ignored it as it’d done by because work had been more important.

Still, it wasn’t as though Sebastian suddenly hated Hunter, and he didn’t want to just ignore his husband, even if it would be too easy to pretend that the alcohol had already knocked him out. Just because Sebastian was sure he’d be able to sleep, didn’t mean he had to leave Hunter to stay up all night, wondering how much time they had left before their marriage couldn’t take it anymore. He just didn’t know what Hunter expected to come out of a conversation at two in the morning when one of them had clearly had far too much to drink.

After a few seconds of silence, Sebastian sighed and turned over to face Hunter, dreading the conversation that was to come, especially considering how long gone his filter was, though maybe that’s exactly what their relationship needed.

“What?”

Hunter had always hated their fights and how heated they got back in the day, but he would honestly kill to have one of those full-blown fights they used to have, now. Something came out of them at least. Seeing such a unfazed look on Sebastian’s face after their intense conversation was maddening to see. Did Sebastian not care where their relationship was heading, or did that all fall on Hunter? No matter the answer, he was pissed off. He was half the reason they were no longer the people they were a year ago but he wanted to at least try and fix things between the two of them so things could go back to being semi-normal. Hunter just wished Sebastian felt the same way.

“Fuck it. Never mind,” Hunter said sharply before taking his hand away from Sebastian’s side so he could lie down on his back next to him, not entirely sure how he was going to sleep but also not sure what the point of staying up later was. Sebastian obviously wanted nothing to do with him and Hunter wasn’t going to force Sebastian into a conversation he didn’t want. He was stupid to think his husband agreeing to going to bed with him meant anything. Sebastian just wanted to sleep in a bed rather than a couch, that’s all. Hunter wasn’t going to waste his breath anymore, not if his husband couldn’t speak more than four words to him.

[formerclaringtonsmythe]

f2f 002 ⇆ february 8th

[corporateclarington]

formerclaringtonsmythe:

Sebastian frowned as his husband suddenly pulled his hand back, as if Hunter would rather do anything other than touch him. He wasn’t sure what he’d done wrong this time, but he was too tired to question it or care at this point. Their bed was certainly big enough; they didn’t have to touch if Hunter didn’t want to. It wouldn’t be different from most of their nights in bed together. Sebastian couldn’t remember the last time he’d fallen asleep in Hunter’s arms 

He moved to sit on his own side of the bed, sighing to himself before picking up the glass of water and swallowing the aspirin his husband had put out for him. As much as he’d rather not, Sebastian knew he’d regret it in the morning if he didn’t take something after drinking as much as he had. And despite him not wanting water or anything minutes ago, he found himself drinking down the entire glass before placing it back on the nightstand so he could finally just go to sleep and get out of the conversation he’d started with Hunter.

“No,” he answered in response to Hunter’s question before softly adding, “Thank you.” He sat still for a few seconds longer before pushing back the comforter so that he could lay down. The entire night, Hunter’s actions had clearly been those of someone who loved and cared for him, but Sebastian had always been accused of being over the top and needy; just being loved and cared for wasn’t enough for him anymore, not after he’d experienced having someone be madly in love with him, and he wasn’t sure what had changed in the past year to make Hunter fall out of love with him so suddenly. His stomach twisted at the mere thought of how little he felt when he looked at his husband, so that was quickly pushed from his mind before he could really consider it. If they really weren’t in love with each other, Sebastian wasn’t sure what the next step would be, and the options terrified him to think about.

He laid down facing away from Hunter and pulled the large blanket up over him, already seconds away from sleep thanks to the alcohol in his system despite the thoughts running through his head.

“Goodnight, Hunter.”

Hunter watched as Sebastian frowned, but he honestly wasn’t sure what to do with it or what it meant. He thought it was obvious that Sebastian didn’t wish to be touched, but the moment Hunter pulled away, he looked confused by Hunter removing his hand from his body. Hunter knew their communication skills haven’t been the best lately, but they, apparently, were even worse at it than he originally thought. They didn’t seem to be very keen on fixing it though, and Hunter knew that needed to change or they were just going to continue on how they were.

Sebastian has always acted a little bit different than his normal self when he drank a lot, but every time Hunter has seen him drunk, he was so loving and wishing for more attention than usual, which actually said a lot considering he always liked attention. Hunter was aware of the fact that he hasn’t been giving his husband the attention he deserved lately, but to see him so defeated broke Hunter’s heart. He may not have same emotions towards Sebastian as he did a year ago, but he still loved him and wanted him happy. Hunter didn’t want to think of the possibility of being the reason Sebastian has been unhappy. He really wished he saw that before tonight, when it seemed like it was too late to fix.

It was Hunter’s turn to frown deeply as Sebastian lied down on their bed and turned his back to him. Hunter honestly thought by inviting his husband to sleep with him that they were going to at least try to talk to one another, or at least pretend things were going to be okay someday. He thought he was trying, but apparently, that wasn’t coming off to his husband. Maybe Sebastian was just tired, but after the conversation they had not too long ago, Hunter couldn’t take that as an answer.

“Sebastian,” Hunter sighed as he sat down on his side of the bed before tentatively placing a hand on Sebastian’s hip again. He desperately wanted to fix things and say the right thing, but words just weren’t coming to him as they easily used to with Sebastian. Everything between them was so hard and confusing, and it never used to be like that. “Please. Look at me.”

[formerclaringtonsmythe]

f2f 002 ⇆ february 8th

[corporateclarington]

formerclaringtonsmythe:

Sebastian let out a soft, shaky sigh as Hunter intertwined their fingers together, and he wondered when the feeling of them holding hands had become so unfamiliar to him. They really weren’t the couple they had once been, and Sebastian wasn’t sure they’d ever be that couple again. Of course he wanted them to be, but he had always been more of a realist than an optimist. He’d also always been one to get whatever he wanted, but something about this felt so impossible and far away that he couldn’t even imagine it. Maybe that was just the alcohol talking, but Sebastian had always thought that enough alcohol brought out the truths that people didn’t want to face when they were sober.

He allowed his husband to guide him to their bedroom, mainly because he wouldn’t have made it to their bed without him. Even with Hunter’s help, Sebastian found himself stumbling, another reminder as to why he never let himself drink this much. He hated the feeling of not being capable of doing even the most basic and simple tasks himself.

Before he could stop Hunter from getting him an Advil, his husband was out of the room, leaving Sebastian alone for the first time all night. He struggled to change out of his clothes, fumbling for too long with the buttons of his shirt before he was finally undressed. He struggled just as much changing into his pajamas despite the lack of buttons or zippers. Before he’d even realized that Hunter had joined him in the bedroom again, his husband was stepping in to help him do something that he should have easily been able to do on his own, and honestly, Sebastian was too out of it to protest or try to stop Hunter.

“Thank you,” he mumbled softly, nodding his head in response to Hunter’s question. That was really the best he could do. As much as he appreciated his husband’s help, he knew that neither of them were anywhere close to alright. Somewhere along the line, they had both decided that work was more important than each other, and that had been enough to break everything they’d built together. Sebastian wasn’t sure they’d ever be alright after that.

Hunter removed his hand from Sebastian’s side as if his palm had just been burned. He knew things weren’t great between them, but he didn’t realize how bad they were until tonight, until just then. His husband couldn’t even answer Hunter’s question, but by him ignoring it, that sort of answered it for him. Sebastian wasn’t alright, and Hunter had a feeling it had more to do with the conversation they had on their couch than how disoriented Sebastian felt from drinking.

Hunter honestly didn’t know what to do in that moment. He had asked Sebastian to come to bed with him in hopes that they could either talk more or lie close to one another in bed like they used to always do when the love between them felt so simple, but now he wasn’t sure if he wanted to do either. Hunter’s heart felt void of love but he wanted nothing more to look at his husband and feel so many emotions towards him that he didn’t know what to do with himself. He used to be afraid of how much he felt for Sebastian. He would kill to feel just a few of those emotions again.

But, Hunter was tired.

“You’re welcome,” Hunter said softly, looking Sebastian in the eyes before sighing and walking towards his side of the bed, hesitating a moment before taking his shirt off and then placing it on his nightstand after he folded it neatly. Hunter always slept with no shirt on, and Sebastian used to always appreciate it, so it was an odd feeling to wonder if it was still appropriate to do so. Sebastian was his husband, for God’s sake, he shouldn’t have to wonder that.

“Do you need anything else before you sleep?” Hunter asked as he stood next to their bed, his eyebrows furrowed as his gaze found Sebastian’s face again. He honestly just wanted the night to end already, but he was also afraid that when morning came they were going to go right back to pretending everything was okay. That worked before their conversation earlier in the night, but Hunter doubted it was going to after it.

[formerclaringtonsmythe]

f2f 002 ⇆ february 8th

[corporateclarington]

formerclaringtonsmythe:

Sebastian lowered his gaze as Hunter answered his question. Well, responded to it. It certainly wasn’t an answer or anything that got them any closer to fixing what they had spent the last year unintentionally destroying. He didn’t know what he expected, but Hunter had always had the answers for everything; Sebastian had hoped that this wouldn’t be an exception, but he should have known better. He couldn’t expect Hunter to fix everything, not when they had both caused this.

For once in his life, Sebastian didn’t want to be right. He’d been against marriage for so long for multiple reasons. He didn’t think that people could be passionately in love and attracted to each other forever. Nothing good could ever last that long, but somehow he’d tricked himself into believing that he and Hunter would be different. He wasn’t sure that things would be any better had he not proposed to Hunter. Their wedding days had been one of the happiest days of his life, despite the panic he’d felt leading up to that day, and their honeymoon had been even better than that. Now that things were difficult, Sebastian didn’t know what he was supposed to do next. Despite how unhappy they both seemed to be, Sebastian still didn’t want anyone else. He wanted things to work with Hunter; he just had no idea how to make that happen.

His eyes quickly shifted back to his husband at Hunter’s question, his heart racing a little, not out of excitement, but out of anticipation because he had no idea how their night would go if he went to bed with Hunter. Years ago, Hunter saying that would have a completely different connotation, and Sebastian wouldn’t have had to respond to let Hunter know what his answer was. He didn’t want to spend the night in bed with Hunter with neither of them speaking to each other or even touching, but he also hadn’t been looking forward to sleeping on the couch either. And now that the invitation for him to join his husband in their bed was out there, saying no felt like giving up, and Sebastian had never been one to give up on anything. How could he live with himself if he gave up on the one thing that had ever really mattered to him?

“Okay,” he whispered softly, hesitating before reaching his hand over to take Hunter’s.

Warmth bloomed deep in Hunter’s chest as Sebastian accepted his offer to join him in their bed. That offer and answer should have gone without saying, but he knew after the night they had, it was anything but easy to answer and he was so glad his husband wasn’t ready to give up just yet. That was how Hunter took it, at least, and he was rarely ever wrong.

It was going to be hard work to get back to where they were before, but Hunter was confident that they could do it and they should start out with sleeping in the same bed again, even if that’s all they would be doing. Hunter honestly did not want to even think about the fact that they very rarely had sex anymore lately, considering it was a daily, or at least weekly, occurrence in their household. Their intimate life always came easy to them but since they’ve both been so busy, it seemed to be in the back of their minds after a long day at work. Hunter wasn’t sure what their excuses were on the weekends, though.

Hunter turned his hand around so their palms were touching before gently intertwining their fingers, his heart racing as he looked over at Sebastian, giving him a small, genuine, if even just a little bit sad, smile. “Alright,” Hunter said softly, slowly getting up off the couch and guiding his husband towards their bedroom, his grip tightening as if he were scared Sebastian would back out and sleep on the couch after all.

Zinfandel and Merlot were sleeping on their bed, Hunter realized as they walked into their room, but immediately they both perked up and moved to their own little beds on the floor. They normally made their way back to their bed sometime in the night because by now they were used to getting kicked out that so they developed a routine. Hunter greatly appreciated it.

“Let me get you some Advil while you change,” Hunter announced softly, reluctantly letting go of Sebastian’s hand, before going to their bathroom and grabbing a cup of water and two Advil’s, hoping they would help his husband’s hangover in the morning. He took a long, deep breath in the middle of their bathroom as a way to center himself and not let his emotions get the best of him before walking into their bedroom once again, placing the pills and glass next to Sebastian’s side of the bed.

Hunter turned his head just in time to see Sebastian struggling to get his shirt on and he couldn’t help but let out a soft, breathy chuckle. “Come here,” Hunter said, despite being the one to walk closer to Sebastian to help him get into his shirt. Usually it was Sebastian helping Hunter when he got too drunk and Hunter wished this moment was more light-hearted so he could make a joke, but it just wasn’t. “There you go,” he said softly, his hand gently resting on Sebastian’s hip. “You alright?”

[formerclaringtonsmythe]

f2f 002 ⇆ february 8th

[corporateclarington]

formerclaringtonsmythe:

Sebastian hadn’t realized how tense his chest was until Hunter sat down next to him, no longer sounding angry. Hunter always felt like a different person when he lost his temper, and it was even worse when it was over something Sebastian couldn’t even control. He didn’t want his husband to be angry with him, and he didn’t want to be angry with Hunter, but it seemed like they were rarely happy when they were together. Even when things were ‘good,’ they were nowhere near how they’d been before. Though if he had to pick, he’d take the anger of the constant indifference they felt towards each other whenever they were together.

When Hunter reminded him that they had been good before, Sebastian swore he could feel his heart breaking in his chest. They had been inseparable, constantly smiling, touching, and kissing each other as if nothing else in the world mattered, and Sebastian had been arrogant enough to believe that no one had ever felt a love like theirs. How could they? How could anything stronger than what he’d felt for Hunter possibly exist? Maybe that was why their relationship felt so empty and void of emotion now. It had been far too good to last forever.

He didn’t disagree with Hunter that something needed to be done before it was too late; he just didn’t know how they were supposed to fix something that had always come so naturally to both of them. He didn’t know if it was possible. Sebastian hadn’t asked to fall in love with Hunter; it had just happened. How did they fix something like that?

“I don’t even know when it started,” Sebastian admitted quietly, his voice sounding more hollow than anything else. He always thought that when people fell out of love, they just woke up and suddenly the spark was gone. If that had happened, it had gone unnoticed by Sebastian. It wasn’t until things had gotten bad that he realized their relationship had changed for the worse. “How did we not notice?”

Hunter was more than positive he felt more tonight, emotionally wise, than he had in months. The way Sebastian looked at him and spook to him was absolutely breaking his heart and making him feel things he had been repressing for a long time. Hunter knew, in the back of his mind, that things were not okay with him and his husband, but if he ever found himself thinking about it, he pushed it away and deep, deep down. He honestly just thought everything would be just fine once Hunter got his promotion. Though, now, he was realizing even if he did get his promotion, that wasn’t going to magically solve their issues.

He hung his head in shame as Sebastian asked him a question, one he wished he never had to hear from his husband’s lips. It might be one thing if only one of them was the problem, that has happened numerous times in their relationship, but if the both of them were oblivious to their problems, where do they go from there? Hunter at least had some hope because it sounded like Sebastian wanted to fix things. He sounded far too unhappy to give up yet.

“I don’t know, Sebastian,” Hunter said simply, looking over at his husband again only after he ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. “I honestly don’t know.”

Hunter wished he was still that person who had an answer for everything, but, apparently, he changed in the past half year and he didn’t like that one bit. Repressing feelings and unwilling to talk about them was a Hunter he never wanted to encounter again. He’d be damned if he made another appearance.

As he looked over at Sebastian, really looked at him, Hunter wanted nothing more than to be in love with him again. He didn’t know if it were possible to fall in love with someone for the second time, but he wanted to try. He really fucking wanted to try.

“Come to bed with me?”

[formerclaringtonsmythe]

f2f 002 ⇆ february 8th

[corporateclarington]

formerclaringtonsmythe:

Sebastian’s mind wasn’t in the right state to have this discussion, but he knew he couldn’t bring that up without having it thrown in his face that he’d been the one to start this conversation with a stupid question that he never should have asked in the first place. Now everything was out in the open, and there was no taking any of it back. Of course he couldn’t expect Hunter to just go to bed after he had dropped a bomb like that, but could his husband really expect them to accomplish anything when Sebastian could barely stand up on his own?

“Hunter,” he sighed, pushing his fingers back through his hair as he stalled in giving his husband an answer. The truth was that he had no idea how he felt for his husband. He couldn’t even remember the last time Hunter had been the reason he smiled. It had always seemed as though Sebastian was the one who had a better handle of his emotions, but he was realizing now that maybe that wasn’t the case. Hunter wasn’t the one constantly drinking to avoid their broken relationship, and he clearly knew how he felt for Sebastian, even if they weren’t in love the way they used to be.

Even in his drunken state, Sebastian realized that he had no idea what love was when it didn’t involve being fully and deeply in love with another person. He had never loved anyone other than Hunter; his parents had never said those words to him and he’d never said them to his parents. Even with Hunter, it had taken months for Sebastian to say the words out loud and it hadn’t happened until he looked at Hunter one day and realized that every part of his heart belonged to him. Now that feeling was gone and Sebastian wasn’t sure what he was left with.

A week ago, Hunter had promised he was going to try harder, but Sebastian didn’t know if they were worth the trouble if they weren’t in love anymore. He’d been deeply in love with Hunter for years, but he’d never had a relationship this meaningful with anyone else. He had no idea if people could fall in love again once that spark was gone, and the thought terrified him. He didn’t know what was worse: a life without Hunter or a life where he looked at Hunter and didn’t feel anything.

He let out another sigh as he finally brought his gaze back up to look Hunter in the eyes. “I don’t know what to tell you, Hunter. I care about you. And I don’t want to hurt or disappoint you, but lately that’s all either one of us has been any good at.”

Listening to Sebastian say his name with such dejection made Hunter feel things he has never felt before or thought he would ever feel. The day they got married was the happiest day of Hunter’s life and he never once thought about them ever divorcing, not even after their biggest fight or over the past few months where they barely saw one another. But tonight, that changed.

The absolute worst part about realizing their marriage was closer to the end than the beginning was Hunter not feeling completely devastated about it. The mere thought of not having Sebastian in his life made his insides twist cruelly, though. If this was the end, what would happen to them? Would they stay friends? He wanted to say that they would, but they were both the all or nothing kind of types and being around each other, even for just once a week would be far too confusing. Hunter wasn’t ready to lose Sebastian so this wasn’t going to the end for them. It fucking wasn’t.

A week ago, Hunter committed to working harder on their relationship and he truly meant it then, but tonight he knew he needed to do a better job at it. They at least needed to try to make things work before they make any rash decisions. Hunter didn’t even want to start wrapping his head around them separating for food, it was just too much think about.

“I don’t want to hurt you either, Sebastian,” Hunter said sadly, the fight draining out of him once again, before sitting down next to his husband but keeping a distance between them. “Something has to be done,” he said sternly, looking over at Sebastian and keeping his gaze on his face, not wanting to look away for a moment any longer. Who knew how much longer he would have the luxury of having Sebastian by his side. “I want to make this work. We were good, really fucking good before,” Hunter added before taking breath. “We have to try.”

[formerclaringtonsmythe]

f2f 002 ⇆ february 8th

[corporateclarington]

formerclaringtonsmythe:

Before Sebastian could tell Hunter that he was fine, his husband was up and out of the room to get him a glass of water. They may not have been on the same page like they used to be, but Sebastian knew when his husband was just trying to avoid a conversation. At this point, it seemed like they just avoided being together to begin with. As Hunter stepped into the kitchen, Sebastian tried to pinpoint where their relationship had gone so wrong, but the last few months had all blurred together and it killed Sebastian to not know how their relationship had turned into everything he’d always hated about marriage to begin with.

He ran his fingers through his hair as he let out a quiet sigh, hoping that the alcohol would be enough to put him to sleep once he rested his head. He really wasn’t looking forward to sleeping on the couch. It was comfortable for a couch, but it certainly wasn’t their bed, so it said a lot that Sebastian was willing to spend the night on it just to avoid sleeping with Hunter. He knew that it was only proving that there was something genuinely wrong in their relationship, but he still couldn’t bring himself to spend the night in bed with his husband, knowing he probably wouldn’t get a second of sleep either way. The idea of lying in bed with Hunter, silent as they both thought about their broken marriage, was enough to make Sebastian never want to step into their bedroom again.

“Thank you,” he sighed, looking at the glass of water as if it was the only thing in the room he found interest in. He still couldn’t bring himself to look at Hunter. His heart had been through enough pain for one night, and he knew that aching feeling would return the second his eyes met his husband’s. Part of him wished that Hunter would just go to bed and leave it at that, but his husband had always been stubborn. It’d been one of the many reasons Sebastian had fallen in love with him. He just wished he remembered what that felt like. It wasn’t as though they were two entirely different people, so why did everything feel so different?

His eyes closed as Hunter told him he loved him, the words not doing anything to make him feel any better. If anything, it just made everything worse because he knew this wasn’t the same love they’d felt for each other years ago, or even months ago. How could so much have changed in just one year?

“I know you do, Hunter.” After a long pause, he finally brought his eyes up to meet Hunter’s, and it hurt just as much as he thought it would. Sebastian knew he’d ruined any chance of them continuing on the way they had, both knowing that something had changed between them but refusing to address it. Now it was just a matter of whether they continued to ignore the issue between them or tried to do something about it, and neither option sounded like it came with a happy ending.

A small, sad smile pulled up his lips, just barely, as Sebastian thanked him for the water Hunter brought him. Despite everything going on with them, all the problems they were having, Hunter still cared for his husband, he hoped that was still obvious, so he didn’t want Sebastian to wake up with a pounding headache. Hunter hasn’t seen Sebastian as drunk as he was tonight in years but he hoped he wouldn’t feel it in the morning.

They might not be as close as they used to be, if Hunter even wanted to admit that to himself, but he would never want Sebastian to be in pain. Though, he was almost positive he did that more than once in the past couple of months, but in a more emotional sense rather than physical. It was pretty obvious in the way that his husband would not look him in the eye.

Hunter was inflicted with another stab to his heart as Sebastian said he knew Hunter still loved him. When he admitted that, Hunter was hoping his husband would say he still loved him in return. It was starting to become very obvious that they were no longer in love with one another, but he at least hoped Sebastian still felt some love for him. That hope was slowly pouring out of Hunter. Maybe Sebastian still did but just wasn’t comfortable in saying it tonight, but Hunter couldn’t help but think of the worst possible scenario. If Sebastian didn’t even love him as a person, a friend, what did they have left?

Anger all of a sudden coursed through Hunter’s veins. Couldn’t Sebastian at least say it back? Give Hunter some hope that their marriage wasn’t about to end? Just fucking something.

Hunter didn’t want to be angry with Sebastian, he knew half their problems was his fault, but he couldn’t stop himself from feeling rage. At least he was aware of the fact that he could still feel something for his husband. “What do you feel for me, Sebastian?” Hunter asked before he could stop himself, his hands practically shaking as he feared the answer. “When you look at me, what do you see?”

[formerclaringtonsmythe]

f2f 002 ⇆ february 8th

[corporateclarington]

formerclaringtonsmythe:

It only took about three seconds for Sebastian to know that he didn’t need a response from Hunter to understand what his answer was. As soon as his husband’s hands covered his face, Sebastian knew everything he needed to, and the answer made his heart ache in his chest in ways he wasn’t used to feeling. His chest was tight in a way that almost made him grab at it to make sure he was okay, but instead he just let out a shaky breath, wishing he would have just gone to bed when he’d gotten home rather than getting into this with Hunter. It was too much for one night. It was always too much.

“It’s okay,” he replied, his voice just as quiet as it’d been before as he licked at his lips. He clenched his jaw, trying his best to hold back any emotions as best as he could in his state. Luckily his eyes were already glassy from the alcohol, so Hunter wouldn’t notice, even if he did feel closer to tears than he had in a long time. He wasn’t typically one to cry and he could count on one hand the amount of times he had, and this wasn’t going to be one of them. “You don’t have to.”

He let out a heavy sigh as he rested his elbows on his knees, looking straight ahead rather than at his husband. He swallowed his emotions as he tried to collect himself, not wanting to give away any of what he was feeling. Apparently they were that couple now.

“I think I’m going to sleep out here tonight.”

Sebastian knew he wasn’t doing a single thing to help, especially considering the bomb Hunter had just dropped. He should be panicking, trying to think of something to say to fix their relationship or snapping at Hunter and asking why he couldn’t answer such a simple question, but he couldn’t blame his husband’s response. There was a reason that Sebastian had asked the question in the first place. He wasn’t sure what answer he’d been expecting. Maybe he just hoped Hunter would give him the answer he wanted to hear and say that of course they were still in love, but Sebastian didn’t think that would have made him feel any better. At least he could always count on Hunter to be honest with him. At least they still had that.

Still, he wasn’t sure he could climb into bed with Hunter, not after what they’d both just realized.

Sebastian telling him it was okay that Hunter didn’t have an answer for him absolutely broke his heart into two. In the past, if Hunter couldn’t come up with an answer for a question Sebastian had in regards to their relationship, Sebastian would either pry or walk away. Him saying it was okay made it sound like he didn’t care enough to hear the answer. As if them not being in love with one another didn’t matter. Fuck, they had both just admitted to that, didn’t they? Hunter felt like he was about to throw up.

Instead of saying anything in return, Hunter lifted his head up and looked over at Sebastian, only to see him looking ahead and far away from him. Hunter didn’t know when eye-contact became a luxury for them, but, apparently, it had at some point.

Hunter had no idea that their night would end like this, and he was almost positive Sebastian felt the same way. Maybe it was a good thing they finally put it out in the open, that they were having problems, so they were no longer skirting around it, but it also made it far too real. Hunter was perfectly content with pretending everything between them was going to go back to normal within a couple of months at the latest. Now, well, he wasn’t sure what they should do. Ignoring the problems they had didn’t solve anything but Hunter didn’t even know where to start to fix them.

He could reply to Sebastian in a dozen different ways and while he knew they should continue their conversation, Christ, they really needed to continue it, it was just too terrifying to even think about let alone talk about.

“Alright,” Hunter settled on, letting out a loud sigh. “Do you need anything before I go? I’ll get you some water,” he asked, not even waiting for an answer, before getting up off the couch to fill up a glass of water for his husband, using the time away from him to clear his thoughts.

He didn’t want to think about going to bed without Sebastian by his side for yet another night. At this point, they should just buy another fucking bed and place it in the middle of the goddamn living room. It wasn’t like they were ever in it other than to fight with one another, they should at least make use of it.

“Here,” Hunter said softly, placing the glass of water onto one of their coasters on the table in front of his husband. As much as he wanted to leave and forgot their conversation ever happened, Hunter was too stubborn for his own good. He stood next to the couch for a good moment or two before he opened his mouth again. “I don’t—,” Hunter started before clearing his throat quietly. “I want….” He took a small intake of breath as he looked down at his husband. “I still love you, Sebastian. I swear that’s the truth.”

[formerclaringtonsmythe]

f2f 002 ⇆ february 8th

[corporateclarington]

formerclaringtonsmythe:

I wanted you home. With me.

Sebastian’s expression softened the moment those words left Hunter’s lips. He made home sound like something more than just the apartment they lived in, as if wherever the two of them were was home for Hunter, which was how they’d both felt at one point in their relationship. Sebastian couldn’t remember when that last was. His felt an aching tightness in his chest, and he swallowed thickly before sitting up a little straighter on the couch, ignoring the way the movement made his head spin.

“I’m sorry,” he said, his words barely audible, as if he had suddenly become aware of his behavior since he’d gotten home and been overwhelmed with shame. He was ashamed of the husband he’d become over the course of the last year. The state of their relationship wasn’t entire his fault, but he hadn’t done his part to try to fix it. Instead of being understanding of Hunter’s late hours, Sebastian tried to pick a fight when his husband couldn’t make it home in time for their plans. Hunter had stopped meeting him in his office for lunch, but Sebastian hadn’t once told him how much that bothered him or offered to meet at his office to make things easier.

There had been times earlier in their relationship when Sebastian tried to surprise Hunter at work, only to find that he’d been too busy to take a lunch. Instead of getting bitter, Sebastian had left his husband a very detailed note of what he wanted to do to have it made up to him, knowing that it’d leave his husband counting down the seconds until they were both home. Sebastian didn’t know when he’d just resorted to giving up whenever Hunter was busy.

He glanced over at Hunter, searching his husband’s face to try to find the man he’d fallen in love with. Hunter was still as beautiful as ever. Sebastian really had married the most attractive man alive; that much had never changed. He just wish he knew when loving that man had become work, rather than something he woke up doing every day. For years, he’d woken up every day completely in love with Hunter Clarington. Now he woke up and went to work. They were lucky if they kissed each other goodbye. Though, that wasn’t the right way to put it. Lucky was when one of them woke up first and was gone before the other got up. That way they didn’t have to go through the dance of quietly getting ready for their days, wondering when their morning routines had grown silent.

If he’d been sober, he would have stayed quiet. He would have said they should just go to bed so that they could bury all of the thoughts and emotions that had become bottled up over the past few months because the two of them had forgotten how to talk to each other. He would have moved on so that they could both pretend tonight never happened, just like they always did when they got into one of their rare short-lived arguments. But he wasn’t sober. And the thought had crossed his mind, and now there was nothing left than for it to come out.

“Do you think we’re still in love?”

Sebastian apologizing to him definitely caught Hunter off-guard. His husband made it clear he didn’t let his phone die on purpose, but, at some point, he did want to know what Hunter would do if Sebastian didn’t respond to his texts. It was nice to get an apology for that, but he wished the two of them didn’t have to say they were sorry to one another every other day. Just a week ago, it was Hunter apologizing and now, apparently, it was Sebastian’s turn.

Hunter being so busy at work, and busy with work at home, didn’t really give him time to realize how incredibly wrong their relationship had felt in the past few months. He just assumed the moment at least one of them were promoted to a higher position at work, their relationship would get back to normal and they would start spending more time with each other. But that dream, which had always seemed like a reality to him, was slowly slipping away. There was a possibility that this was it for them, and if they didn’t change it now, well, Hunter wasn’t going to think about what would happen. They just needed to fix it, to mend their relationship and hope they could keep on making it work as well as they could.

He had no idea what his facial expression looked like when Sebastian asked him that question, but he knew it didn’t look good. His heart felt like it was breaking as he looked over at his husband and he wished Sebastian asked him any other question, anything at all other than the one he chose to ask. Hunter had an answer for everything; he prided himself in knowing a variety of subjects but this wasn’t a question he could easily answer, because he didn’t know the answer.

Hunter didn’t know if he wanted to scream or cry in return.

“Fuck,” Hunter cursed sharply before burying his face in his hands as his elbows rested on his knees. He couldn’t look at his husband any longer, and maybe that was the answer he was looking for. Hunter loved Sebastian with so much of his heart, that hadn’t changed but he couldn’t remember the last time his husband was his main thought throughout his day. He used to think about Sebastian the moment he woke up and the moment he was about to fall asleep, and a dozen times in between but now, he was close to an afterthought. They were rarely intimate anymore, they barely even kissed and spending time together, just the two of them, was seemingly unheard of.

“I love you, Sebastian,” he said softly after a minute of being silent and wishing their conversation never even started. “But I can’t answer that.”

[formerclaringtonsmythe]

f2f 002 ⇆ february 8th

[corporateclarington]

formerclaringtonsmythe:

A sinking guilt rested in the pit of Sebastian’s stomach as he saw the pained expression cross Hunter’s face, knowing his comments had been the direct cause of it, but he refused to show it. Part of him wanted Hunter to feel the hurt that he’d felt a week ago as he counted the minutes, realizing with every passing second that his husband wouldn’t be joining him for dinner. The moment the thought crossed his mind, Sebastian knew how wrong it was, knew that no one should want to be the reason the person they loved was in pain, but he couldn’t help it. He rarely felt anything with his husband anymore, so he would take what he could get.

Anger flashed across his face at Hunter’s comment, even if his husband wasn’t entirely wrong. There were ways that Sebastian could have stopped him from worrying by contacting him after his phone had died, but it hadn’t been his original intention to leave Hunter wondering where he was all night. He’d forgotten to charge his phone before going out and it dying had been a complete accident. Maybe if Hunter hadn’t made him feel so alone while living in the same house, Sebastian wouldn’t resort to desperate measures to get some sort of a reaction out of his husband. He knew that was unfair for him to think, and maybe a sober Sebastian would know better, but he had left sober Sebastian behind hours ago.

“Jesus, Hunter,” he breathed out, pushing his fingers back through his already disheveled hair. His stomach was in knots as he tried to figure out how their relationship had gotten to this point, to Hunter asking if he’d ignored his husband for hours just to get a reaction out of him. To where Sebastian would rather go out and get drunk than be home with his husband. “No. I didn’t do it on purpose,” he answered sincerely, because he hadn’t. He’d had no intentions of letting his phone die. “But yes, I did want to see how much you’d care,” he continued, letting the words hang in the air, his heart aching as he realized what type of couple they were. “It sucks being the one not knowing when your husband will be home. Doesn’t it?” he said, the words coming out as a statement rather than a question.

Hunter was taken aback when he saw the expression on Sebastian’s face and he really didn’t know what to do about his husband’s anger. Hunter had never been good at dealing with his emotions, but over the years and as he and Sebastian got closer, it became easier and easier to be comfortable with whatever it was he was feeling. But now, it was like he was 21 again and unable to pinpoint his emotions and what he should do about it. What did he normally do when Sebastian was angry with him, and Hunter was angry at him in return? Fighting, was most likely the answer, but the fight he had earlier was drained out of Hunter already, and that was honestly sort of unbelievable for him. For half of his life, he was angry all the time and he wanted nothing more than to not feel like that and now that he finally did, it felt wrong.

So, Sebastian hadn’t let his phone die on purpose. Hunter wasn’t sure if that was the answer he wanted, though. But he didn’t know what he wanted anymore, other than for their relationship to go back to where it was a year ago. Sebastian’s birthday, and Valentine’s Day, was just around the corner and Hunter normally looked forward to giving Sebastian an entire day of everything he could ever want, and it just occurred to him that he didn’t have anything planned. Yet. It wasn’t for another week so he still had time, he knew that. Hunter just hoped he didn’t have to work late that night, or, at least, not too late. Sebastian deserved that, at least.

Hunter let out a deep sigh before leaning back against their couch and running a hand down his face as he thought of a reply that could fix their disastrous night. He knew there were no words that could do that, so he decided to at least say his truth. “It wasn’t a good feeling, no,” Hunter said after a brief moment of silence, his gaze making its way back to his husband’s face. “I was worried about you,” he added with his eyebrows furrowed, hoping Sebastian believed that. “I wanted you home. With me.”

[formerclaringtonsmythe]

f2f 002 ⇆ february 8th

[corporateclarington]

formerclaringtonsmythe·:

Sebastian leaned back against the cushions as Hunter pulled his arm away, mainly because sitting up straight took too much effort. It was clear he’d said the right thing to make his husband angry, and a small part of him got some satisfaction out of that. As much as he had dreaded fights with Hunter in the past, now it was at least better than his husband feeling bored with him or them struggling to hold a conversation for longer than five minutes. At least during a fight he could feel something.

When his phone died, Sebastian had figured that it would be an issue later, that his husband would get annoyed when he stopped replying to his texts, which was funny considering they could go all day at work without bothering to reply to each other. A few years ago, Sebastian would have borrowed a friend’s phone and sent Hunter a text explaining what had happened, but not tonight. He’d wanted Hunter to worry, to prove that he still cared whether or not Sebastian came home because some nights it felt like they weren’t living in the same house. They went to sleep in the same bed every night, but it felt as though they were sleeping on two different sides of the world. They didn’t touch and they rarely spoke, and that wasn’t the marriage Sebastian had agreed to five years ago. He knew that he was partially to blame for what had happened to their marriage; he was literally half of the problem, but he didn’t know how to fix it. He just knew how to be a dedicated lawyer, drink, and have a good time, so that’s what he did.

“As opposed to me being home with no contact at all,” Sebastian replied without hesitation. “How many times did you text me?” he asked, picking up his phone with a bitter smile before tossing it back on the couch between them. “Probably more than you do on an average day. Maybe I should go out more often.”

Hunter didn’t have the time or was in the right frame of mind to realize they were touching more tonight than they have in weeks and he was glad for it because he didn’t want to think about it. Pulling away from Sebastian came too naturally to him, but it wasn’t like his husband was all that thrilled about being with Hunter, let alone be touched by him. Hunter could vividly remember a time where they couldn’t keep their hands off of each other and he wondered when that changed, and why neither one of them saw it.

But, it wasn’t too late to fix the problems that they’ve been ignoring for quite some time now, right? Hunter didn’t even want to let his mind wonder in the other direction and think about the alternative. He loved Sebastian, he married him for more than one reason, and that was all that mattered; everything else was supposed to come effortlessly. They were just having a small hiccup due to their careers, that’s all. It just didn’t help that they were fighting more over the littlest of things. Communication used to be an issue between the two of them when they first started dating, but Hunter honestly thought they had gotten past those issues. Over the years, they were definitely more likely to be open and honest with one another regarding their feelings, but all that hard work had been thrown out the window at some point.

Hunter felt like the ground opened up underneath him as Sebastian asked him a simple question, because it was exactly that, it just didn’t occur to him until now that he had texted Sebastian tonight more than he’s had in weeks. Suddenly, Hunter felt sick to his stomach. He felt ashamed for himself and for their marriage, but it also had him wondering if his husband let his phone die or turned it off on purpose, just to see Hunter’s reaction. He wouldn’t blame him if he did. Hunter definitely has not been the most attentive husband in the past couple of months and Sebastian was someone who demanded attention and Hunter wasn’t giving him that. That clearly was a problem for Sebastian, and it should be one for Hunter too.

“Did you do it on purpose?” Hunter asked sincerely with his eyebrows furrowed and his expression somewhat pained, wanting to know the truth and then figure out what to do with it after he heard the answer. “You wanted to see what I would do?”