Letters to Hibou

[correspondencewin]

Growing

Hi Hibou, Just saw your post :) I get that you don't like Tumblr much anymore. Feel free to just email me if that works better lol My project is a bit overwhelming. I think it's just becasue I've never been in charge of anything before. Like, things are going wrong, and the tech people can't fix them, (they are located in England) and I don't really know a hell of a lot about computers...I think mainly they picked me because I am young. Aaaannnnnyyyy ways. Those things are okay mostly. Just normal work pressure. Sometimes I think to myself, why is it that I snap so easily. Like bend me juuuust a little bit and I break. I don't tolerate stress or pain easily. Which brings me to the next thing. Gyming is good for me, but it wears me out. Which sometimes is a good thing because I do get a better nights sleep and w/e when I do go. I usually get to the gym about 4x a week now. Have been for a month and a half :-) Yay me!!! I am getting stronger and I have lost weight (only two pounds as of yet, but I am putting on muscle) We shall see what happens in the long term. I hate the idea of asking myself to do these goals that are impossible, so for the time being, I am just seeing what weight I loose without a particular goal, just getting my ass there is more than I have been doing in years. I am still racking my brain about wedding gifts for you and Mark...I don't want to get you something you wont use (like a gravy boat...unless you want a gravy boat) Claire liked writing to you. I feel like if she was me in high school, you two would have really hit it off :) Candles and candle burning are my new obsessions. That and good smelling bath stuff, (because if I am going to the gym, you bet your ass that my ass will be smelling fresh and clean afterward lol) and tea. I am loving that tea you bought me for Christmas. Thank you again for that :) Miss you love you. Once the snow clears, so will a path to you and your guestroom. Long weekend anyone? Let me know when your life gets a little less hectic!!!

[correspondencewin]

Hi ^.^

Hi Hibou, Thanks for mailing a letter, I'm sure I'll get it soon. I'm excited to see what you have to say :) Anyways. We're hunkering down here for stormageddon '15. I have Ace and Charlie here with me (the Halloran's dogs) , the Hallorans are on another cruise. I'm at Mary Ellen's house on my own for the week. They've cancelled my work for the next few days, so feel free to call me anytime. Make sure you pass along your new address, so I can send you along a reply. I'm still going to the gym. My whole body hurts, and I have no abs. Just so you know Love you so very much

[fivekets]

[correspondencewin]

“A Cat’s Guide To Taking Care of Your Human” 

[correspondencewin]

How are things?

Hi Hibou, How are you? I hope you are doing well. Miss you. Are you and Mark just going to chill for Turkey Day, or are you going to his/your parents? On the "me" front, I have gotten several calls from posting my resumee, not really the best ones, but still calls. They would like me to be manager of Blinds to Go in Lakewood, or sell insurance. Still, things are happening. Things seem to be breaking a lot for me, or not working out like they should. I think it's just what happens a lot, you stay on hold with your loan company for an hour, the fan on your computer breaks, Hope we talk to eachother soon xoxoxo

[correspondencewin]

My head and my heart; anxiety and icky feelings

Hi Hibou, I did have a wonderful time on my cruise, I have always had wanderlust and I really do feel that when/if I get older and blah blah blah, I will be going lots of places and you will come with me if children and cats do not impede you. Yeah, I was bitter. Still can be and am about some things. You should know that you're never the enemy. You may occasionally be the recipient of misdirected frustration, but I never ever want you to feel I hate you or whatever. I mean, yeah, there was that period in high school where I was like "is she/isnt she my friend" but honestly, you love me through so many things. And push me through so many too. I talked to Joanne on the ship about your HR idea and she's now trying to get me to do it too. See? Other (more clear headed, rational people, unlike myself) people see that you totally get me. I have this misconception that my job has to be fulfilling in order for me to do it. And I guess all I really need is money, a health plan, and vacation days. There's an icky place inside me that feels like if/when I do something like taking an office job that I will be settling and I just don't like when I do that. I have come to realize through many different life situations that I am easily swayed and easily taken advantage of. I will literally do anything anyone else wants me to do. I will always go along with whatever is going on for fear of being alone. I will sit wherever you don't want to sit, eat what you don't like, make you coffee and watch you drink the last cup when I clearly want some. I hate that about myself. I do things out of fear, and also out of the appreciation from the other person when I do those "self sacrificing" things. I was a dick to you kindof, and so I just want to acknowledge that and say I'm sorry, and try to move past it. I keep imagining myself trying to grow a spine, and I see this mental picture of a rod stabbing through my flesh, like it doesn't belong there. The Hallorans saw your new kitty before I did, lol because they had roaming data and I didn't. You must have such a crowded house now. How do the other cats like him? I'm glad you felt like writing. I was thinking of you too. <3 And how we left things kindof hanging in the air like we did. Call me soon while you're driving home and I'll regale you with stories. To reiterate, you're never the villan. I have never painted you that way to anyone, and no one should ever say to me that you are anything less than my best friend. You would take me from any bad situation, and you talk to me even when you don't know what to say. Your advice may sting, but it's because it's the truth. I need to learn to take things for what they are. As for the bitterness, I'm trying to stave it off. It comes back when I look outside myself and see the good things I think I can't have. If I would just work on myself, their stories could be mine. Love you much <3

[correspondencewin]

[correspondencewin]

I'm just weird

Hi, I don't know I really don't know. Thanks for sticking with me through this period of I don't know. For trying to get me out of the mud. To the untrained eye, or maybe the trained one, I am living "the life I want" but tears come at night. Am I ungrateful? Am I made for more? Who knows. Only time and action will tell.

[correspondencewin]

An adendum

Ok. Real talk. You're right, there'll never be a moment of truth for me while the world is watching. I wont get hit by a car. Be that as it may, you are also right that you can't do any of it for me. It must frustrate you that I can't seem to move on. I can do something, whatever that is, to show you a benchmark. I am wasted potential. I get it. I know it nauseates you to think of me wasting away. I do not, as you may think, internalize this "woe is me" "everything just happens to me" "nothing can ever get better" negative ass mentality that you think permeates me. I am trying to make the best of my situation here, despite my bitching and moaning to you. I love you. I really do. I miss you and love you. You do for me what no one else will. I have, if this makes any difference to you, read this book. And Ben Franklin is right when he says "a wise man makes his own luck" and the ocean metaphor with the "pick a direction and start swimming" And I finally got to your jam experiment, the one with the varieties of jam at the tables for people to buy. I'll tell you what my six flavor table is singing philosophizing helping people learning things writing Singing is right up there. I would sing as a background singer for someone for the rest of my life if it meant I heard music every day If I hit the lottery (another one of those metaphors again) I would go back to school and just sit in a classroom and learn all day long. I don't know what career that is. I love going places, meeting new people, sharing experiences, and that little devil that lives in my head that is proud every time I open my mouth and show someone up at something. Tomorrow I am packing Thursday I am singing Bernadette's Funeral Friday I am on a plane. So if you don't get something from me right away, please don't think I'm ignoring you. I guess my life isn't so boring these "once and a while" weeks when I'm a productive member of society. If you haven't decided to stop speaking to me, I will be back here Monday Nov 17th, with some sort of plan. I know I know, I just have to start right? Tough love sounds a lot like anger and frustration. I hope you are neither angry nor frustrated with me.

[correspondencewin]

Hello Hibou :)

Hi love. It has been a while, and I think it's mostly my fault. But my feathers aren't ruffled if yours aren't. I've been thinking of you. You are so nice to have a place for me to go when things get hectic. Its my own doing staying where I'm at. You shouldn't feel snubbed by me, or that I don't want to be with you. I'm ill equipped to deal with the minutia of life. I can barely pay the bills I owe now, let alone whatever comes with living on my own. You are so loving and care for me even when I don't care for myself and for that I will always be grateful. I love you so much. It sounds like you had a good visit with Mark's? Abuelo. Even though his grandparents are getting older, they sound like they love eachother very much, and so they are perfect judges of what "true" love is. How are you? I am leaving soon for Florida myself. This Friday we're flying down for our Cruise. We really should go on one to celebrate your wedding. You, me, Mark, and whoever else you want, the salt air, the gigantic ship. Toegether all day, tropical crazy drinks, just sitting poolside and talking all day. Doing whatever you like. Me singing at the piano bar all night in some slinky dress, hitting on the cocktail waiters. It'll be great :) It should really happen. For real. I need to see you. Pronto. I don't know when you next have time for me. It's going to get crazy I know with all the holidays coming up. Know that even though I'm not with you, I love you so much

[correspondencewin]

when all you hear is chirping in the dark can you be sure of the cricket? do you see the scrape of wing against teeth sailcloth spread out as 300W amp to reach your ears? Head to pillow, one ear open to the sound you think it is for you. You find sleep. The cricket knows the sound is made with purpose; the seeming purpose of all sound: To find mate, to find love in the darkness

[correspondencewin]

Hi Hibou,

Haven’t written to you in a while, but I figure, why not?

I just got back into the pattern of not caring. Unfortunately it spread through my life so fast, I ended up not posting, and not calling, and basically not doing anything for a while.

You know how Picasso had his blue period? I feel like I’m going to look back on this time in my life as my “do nothing” period. Not like a positive, “finding myself” do nothing.  Just kindof a mind numbing period of dull. I feel less smart/stimulated than I’ve ever been.

But I digress.

This morning I happened to be watching BBC News, and I saw a story on a prisoner who was locked up in a maximum security prison in Brazil or some-such place for committing 8 murders in like 1987. Back then, it was this high security prison that housed only the worst criminals, and now, in 2014, he’s an old man and the last prisoner on the compound. I think since then he’s been able to get out and about, since he’s now married to a much younger woman, and has kids. He’s this old, black Portuguese man, who told the reporters things like “I learned that justice is necessary” and that he was angry back then, but has much more peace now.

You just see him wandering around, on the beach with his walking stick and his white beard that makes him look like a cloud with a face. And you get that he did something horribly wrong, but you also get that he has changed since then

And it got me thinking about people, and how we tend to view them as blemished and tarnished once they’ve committed a crime. And, again, I get that it’s awful to kill people. But he intrigues me, because his life has gone on since he was an angry young man. And I’m curious about him.

I just looked him up on the website:

“Julio de Almeida, 83, is the last prisoner on Big Island, Ilha Grande, off the coast of Rio de Janeiro in Brazil.

These days the island is a popular tourist destination, but for a century it was completely closed off, first housing a leper colony and then a top security prison which was closed in 1994.

Julio arrived on Ilha Grande in 1958, aged 27.” – from http://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-28883518

He just says things that astound me. Like his way of putting things “I left the right path and took the wrong one”

I’m going to stew with it a while, because I mean, I feel like I want to write something (other than this post) about him? Or someone like him? IDK he’s at least interesting to me, so I mean that counts as inspiration

Write to me soon plz

I love you <3

[correspondencewin]

You're the 1Z

[correspondencewin]

Hey Hibou. Lets do all these things mmmmkkkaaaaayyyy? Lol I love anna akana and you should too!

[larilassiral]

ME:

[correspondencewin]

Rocky Mountain high

Hibou,

I get it. I really do. Inertia is so tempting, it's wasted many days in years of my life.

Your family expects you to be the same way you left them. They expect those attitudes because they can deal with them, without having to adjust to the new you.

Trust me when I say, you are not obnoxious. If you are, then I'm hella obnoxious too.

My long weekend in Saranac Lake:

1). Mountains. Just everywhere. I could hardly drive, I kept looking out the window at the scenery. I don't know how anyone lives there and gets shit done, its so beautiful.

2). Small town. Everyone makes a huge deal about "going to the store." "Oh I just have to go to the store" It's like a huge conversation piece. Everybody knows everybody else, and everyone's friendly which put me off b/c I'm not used to it.

3). My uncle. Ok so here goes. My uncle is the baby in his family, so he was like David is to me, to my mom. If that makes any sence. So in a way he's my uncle, but in other ways, he's my brother. He cares about me so much, and really, all we did was chill, eat and drink wine, and talk. I did that thing where I talk and talk and feel guilty.

But he listened, and he talked and I listened, and he knows what I am going through because he lost his mom at 16. Its eerily uncanny how alike the stories of our parents deaths are. 

Idk, I just love them. They're very hippy dippy and lovey dovey, and they don't do "exciting" things. But they are peaceful, and their door is open to me. I haven't been up to Saranac since before my mom passed, about 8 years ago. As a family, we didn't really go up all that often. So I felt really close to Mom, and to God staring up at the mountains.

I got in my car to leave on Monday around noon. I kissed them both, my aunt and my uncle, and I got to the end of their street. And I cried. Like not an ugly cry, like a "I don't want to leave" upper chest pain kind of cry. And I felt like I was 10 years old, and I wanted to run away from home and live up by where my Mom was raised. But I know that they want me to come back, and I will visit even if my family isn't able to make the trip.

#whatthehell #thisistooemotional #yougavemeyourperiod #blah

I had a therapeutic time. I tend to make people feel sorry for me wherever I go. Its not my intention, but I bring people down. But I need to start not letting the little voice inside my head that says "dont post this, Hibou doesn't care" rule me.

*bonus*

Hibou origin story.

This is how you got your name. If you ever visit my house ever again, there is a cabinet in which there is an owl cookie jar that is red and white. My mother's mother was French Canadian, so her kids, (my mom and her siblings) called the jar "Hibou" because it's French for owl. Uncle Bill told me when I was up there that he remembered they'd always come home and grab a cookie from that jar. And my grandma, who died before I was born, used to tell her kids that the Hibou would watch them until they finished their dinner, to make sure they ate all their vegetables.

I love you. I'm so sorry you aren't feeling like yourself. We will have happier days Mar. I'm sure of it

xoxoxoxoxoxo

[passerpoints]

No - trust me I get that. I mostly wanted you to know that the option was truly open. That the thought of you staying with us wasnt some joke or halfhearted whim, but something that Mark and I seriously talked about.

He wants the best for you so badly - He’s actually really impressed with how...

[correspondencewin]

You're my home too you know

Hi my Hibou,

I love hearing from you whenever, so its nbd if you get busy, I do too :) <3

I've been thinking a lot about love lately. How so many people want what's best for me, that so many people will me to succeed. So what if they aren't biologically related to me?

I chose you. Somewhat haphazardly, and with trepidation. And although I was jealous of the relationships you had with other girls in high school, I still chose you and I stuck with you and here we are now. You hold me up. You keep me grounded. You love me, and when it's too much for me at home, I think of that, and I can breathe again.

I am scared to move away. But I can't stay here.

I have people counting on me here, whether it is CVCJ, or St. Joes, St. Pious. I have my family, which you know, sucks. But I also have my family I've chosen. Gerry, Judy, Ann, Matt (A) ...you know. So I'm like a ball of emotions about it. If all I was leaving behind was my biological family, I'd be at your apartment right now.

Some days none of it is enough. One day in particular, last Saturday, it was everything. I sang all day, Jesus music and secular. I was up from 4:30am to 11:30 at night and I was wired. I felt like I belonged to my life again if that makes any sense.

These days, I'm living for days like those. Days I can get away, YES, but also days I can feel free enough to be myself without feeling inhibited. I laughed with my band, and they laughed with me. We were so tight, and I felt so "on."

I want to live with you in my heart of hearts Mar. I desire to come home to a place where I'm wanted, where I fit. Free from nit-picky criticism of every facet of my life. People who want me.

I know not everything is peaches and cream. That even if I lived with you I would still be me.

I don't know why being me is so hard lately. I fear feeling genuinely about things, because I don't know what people will think. Like there's a bunch of nameless faceless bodies somewhere that monitor my movements. And I care about that.

The biggest thing as of late has been the fact that I've been doing better and I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. That one of these days, the effort I make won't be enough. And I can't shake it. I don't know what it is.

If it were the "devil," something outside of myself, I could probably deal with it. But its me. I'm hurting myself.

I'm DOA. I called it before I let myself live. All of this language, this "risk it, it's worth it, do what you love, don't be afraid to fail, fly, soar to new heights" is all well and good. I have no ideal to fly to. What the hell is it that I dream? I go to sleep and I can't remember. I sometimes dream someone I love is holding me, and nothing else.

Wow this got heavy quickly.

The jist, is that I really need to think. There is no rule that says I can't wake up tomorrow, pack all my shit into my car, and leave.

I want to say I'm not emotionally ready to leave. It really is that I don't believe in myself to start anything. I'm lazy and I don't know what I want. I could say I want to be a writer, but that would be a lie. I'm inadequate at best.

If you can sort though this post, the whole point is that I need to combat these feelings, I need to sort them out.

I love you and miss you. I'll be in upstate New York til Monday, sorting though some stuff with my Uncle, and re-connecting with where my mother was born.