The Red General

Red. Not yet dead. (Samson ask blog, set post-Trespasser)

[corruptedtemplar]

OOC

(TL;DR new Samson blog)

To anyone who is still following this blog, or who has enjoyed it in the past, thank you so much for taking part in the irate shenanigans of our favorite Red Templar. I’d like to get back into my favorite brand of shitposting/RPing, but this particular blog has a bit too much history weighing it down. So I’m starting fresh at Ask A Lyrium Addict. If you’ve ever interacted with this blog and gotten a chuckle out of it, you are more than welcome to hit me up at the new blog too. If you have any questions, my ask box and the messenger system are both open.

I hope to see you over there at the new blog, but if not, so long and thanks for all the red lyrium!

[yfipdragonage]

YFIP: Meredith

hasn’t rawed me yet

[hollyand-writes]

Well, Emile de Launcet for one agrees with you: 

[yfipdragonage]

Just cos dude hit every branch while falling from the ugly tree doesnt mean hes got bad tastes

[corruptedtemplar]

You all need the light of Andraste.

[corruptedtemplar]

How do you feel about Calpernia?

Smart little thing, sharp as a diamond. Was never overly impressed by me. Corypheus made her a lot of promises.

...I hope where ever she is, she’s happy. Most of the Venatori deserve a sharp drop and a sudden stop, but not her. She wanted to make things better.

[corruptedtemplar]

FMK: Hawke, the Warden, the Inquisitor

Marry: The Inquisitor. Can you imagine how much that would confuse everyone?Fuck: Hawke. A common topic of discussion in the Blooming Rose.Kill: The Warden. They’ve got to be like half-dead by now, right?

[corruptedtemplar]

Could you an FMK on Cassandra, Sebastian, and Leliana?

Marry: Sebastian, for the same reason as Tethras: he’s absurdly rich. And royalty! I’d get a title and everything.Fuck: The Seeker. I think she could beat the shit out of me, which is something I look for in a sex partner.Kill: Leliana, because I am very afraid of her.

[corruptedtemplar]

Hey we are not that much sadistic, nobody asked you a MFK with Cullen and Maddox and Calpernia. Yet.

HOW DARE YOU

Marry: Maddox. Set him up in one of those nice Orlesian chateaus where all the nobles are dead. Fuck: Cullen. I don’t want to hear a word out of any of you.Kill: I’m not actually sure I could kill Calpernia, so this works out very well.

[corruptedtemplar]

FMK Fenris, Varric, and Gal. :3

Marry: Tethras. He’s rich, it’d be fantastic. I’d make him buy me all the lyrium and stupid armor decorations I wanted.Fuck: Fenris. What? He’s handsome.Kill: Galaren DuMarc, who is a tit.

[corruptedtemplar]

FMK Meredith, Coryphallus, Coryphallus's dragon ?

What did I do to earn this sadism?

Marry: That stupid dragon. I don’t have high hopes for her skills as a spouse; the male drakes I’ve encountered never seem all that happy. But I’m equally sure that fucking her would kill me, so marriage it is.Fuck: Corypheus. ‘Know your god’ indeed.Kill: Meredith. Always kill Meredith.

[corruptedtemplar]

FMK Cullen, Krem, and Iron Bull.

Damn, this is a challenge:

Marry: Rutherford, because much of my life has already consisted of him nagging me, so might as well make it official.Fuck/Kill: The problem is that if I kill one of them, the other will also kill me. So I fuck both Krem and the Iron Bull, and then kill them both in single combat.

[corruptedtemplar]

Can you do Fuck, Marry, Kill for the Maker, Solas, and Corypheus?

Of all the religiously-themed questions I’ve been asked, this is both the best and the absolute worst.Kill: The Maker, because he hasn’t done shit for me lately/ever. And you saw what happened to poor Andraste.Marry: Corypheus, because we’ve already done the dance where he drains me of the best years of my life, wrings me dry for all I’m metaphorically worth, and then leaves me.Fuck: He’s not actually a wolf, is he? That’s just a name or title, right? I have standards.

[corruptedtemplar]

@ask-cullenrutherford I know you’re ass deep in your wolf hunt, but someone hauled a dead varghest all the way back to Skyhold and now they’re cooking the universal culinary treat: ‘meat on a stick.’

I’m bringing you some. Well, less ‘bringing you some’ and more, ‘I’m going to be eating it in your office.’ So if you should come back, some day, and wonder why it smells vaguely like cooked varghest in there...that’s why.

[pastelparrotlet]

In lieu of an engagement ring, I think a much more functional promise item would be a custom forged sword.

[corruptedtemplar]

You still didn't answer how his performance was. That good, huh?

Hmph.

[corruptedtemplar]

If someone was actually, purely hypothetically, willing to - as you phrased it - "suck your prick", and they looked, let's say, halfway bearable... would you let them?

Yes? I feel like there’s a trick here.

[corruptedtemplar]

When was the last time you actually slept with someone and how was Cullen's performance

It has been so long since I slept with someone. Children have grown to adulthood. People have aged and died of natural causes.

As for the second part, how dare you. The nerve, the AUDACITY. Cullen is terrible, face-wise. And personality-wise. And I have never even once followed him around at a distance. How do I know that YOU are not the one sleeping with him, and this is all a clever ruse? Checkmate, bastard.

[corruptedtemplar]

How many of the anonymous messages propositioning Cullen are from you?

I sign my lewd propositions, thank you very much.

[galarendumarc]

He has no shame. Trust me.

[corruptedtemplar]

Lieutenant DuMarc, formerly of the Inquisition,

Suck my prick.

Cordially, General Samson, formerly of the Red Templars

[galarendumarc]

I’ll pass.

Remember children: If you don’t know where it’s been, don’t put it in your mouth.

[corruptedtemplar]

Cullen’s office and the floor of the tavern, mostly.

[galarendumarc]

Not to mention it probably glows.

[corruptedtemplar]

All this could be yours.

[corruptedtemplar]

How many of the anonymous messages propositioning Cullen are from you?

I sign my lewd propositions, thank you very much.

[galarendumarc]

He has no shame. Trust me.

[corruptedtemplar]

Lieutenant DuMarc, formerly of the Inquisition,

Suck my prick.

Cordially, General Samson, formerly of the Red Templars

[galarendumarc]

I’ll pass.

Remember children: If you don’t know where it’s been, don’t put it in your mouth.

[corruptedtemplar]

Cullen’s office and the floor of the tavern, mostly.