Y/N is stuck in a controlling relationship that slowly turns violent. Through her best friend, she meets Hongjoong. A quiet music production major whose studio becomes the first place she feels safe again.
As art pulls her back to herself, she begins to realize that love should never feel like fear.
Pairing: Kim Hongjoong x Reader (Y/N)
Genre: College AU, Angst, Healing Romance, Emotional Slow Burn, Hurt/Comfort
Tropes: Soft protector Hongjoong, Emotional intimacy, Studio late nights, Found family, Safe space trope, Escaping a toxic relationship
Featuring: Seoah (OC), the rest of ATEEZ as close friends
The studio lights always felt harsher after midnight.
Not because they were brighter, but because they exposed everything that refused to come together.
Hongjoong leaned back in his chair, fingers still resting on the keyboard of his laptop as the same eight bars looped again. And again. And again.
The melody had potential. He knew it did. The chord progression felt honest. The bass line had weight. But the hook refused to land. It floated just out of reach, like something he almost remembered from a dream.
He exhaled slowly and scrubbed a hand down his face.
“Come on,” he muttered to the empty room.
Nothing came.
The speakers echoed back the same unfinished thought.
He hated this part. Not the long hours. Not the isolation. Not even the pressure. He hated the moment when the music stopped moving forward and simply stared back at him.
Creative block felt like standing in front of a locked door with no visible handle.
He saved the file, though it felt undeserved, and shut the laptop a little harder than necessary. The studio fell silent immediately. No bass hum. No rhythm. Just the soft buzz of the ceiling light.
His phone buzzed on the desk.
Group chat.
San: Are you alive or did the studio finally consume you
Wooyoung: If he does not show up in 15 minutes I am drinking his share
Mingi: Please come. They are loud. I need backup.
Hongjoong checked the time. They were supposed to meet at the bar near campus. He had almost forgotten.
He typed back quickly.
On my way.
He stood, stretching his shoulders. The tension there felt permanent these days. He grabbed his jacket and slung his bag over one shoulder, glancing once more at the dark computer screen before turning the lights off.
The hallway outside the studio was cooler. Quieter. He breathed in deeply as he locked the door behind him.
He would figure it out tomorrow. Or maybe he would not.
The night air outside the building was sharp and refreshing. It helped clear the fog in his head as he walked toward the bus stop. Campus was mostly asleep, windows glowing softly in the dorm buildings. Somewhere in the distance, someone laughed too loudly.
His project was due in three weeks.
Three weeks and he had nothing finished.
He leaned his head back briefly as the bus rattled down the street.
Why was he stuck?
He had written dozens of songs before. He had built entire tracks from scratch with less time and more pressure. But this one felt different. This one felt personal. And maybe that was the problem.
He was trying too hard.
When he stepped off the bus near the bar, he could already hear them before he even opened the door.
Laughter. Loud and chaotic.
He smiled despite himself. The warmth hit him first when he stepped inside. Then the smell of beer and fried food. Then the sight of his friends occupying a corner table like they owned the place.
His friends in full force.
Wooyoung spotted him first.
“There he is,” Wooyoung announced dramatically, standing halfway from his seat. “The tortured artist emerges from his cave.”
San clapped slowly. “Did you bring us a masterpiece or just your usual brooding aura?”
Hongjoong rolled his eyes as he slipped into the empty chair between Seonghwa and Yunho.
“Hello to you too.”
Mingi leaned forward with concern that looked only half fake. “He looks worse than last week.”
“I do not,” Hongjoong replied automatically.
“You do,” Jongho said calmly while sipping his drink. “You have the blocked face.”
Hongjoong blinked. “The what.”
“The blocked face,” Jongho repeated. “The one where your eyebrows look like they are arguing with each other.”
Laughter exploded around the table.
Hongjoong rubbed his forehead. “Thank you. That is extremely helpful.”
Seonghwa nudged a glass toward him. “Drink first. Complain second.”
He accepted it gratefully.
For a few minutes he let himself sink into the noise. The teasing. The familiar rhythm of their banter. It grounded him in a way nothing else did.
Still, Yunho was watching him.
“You are stuck again, aren’t you,” Yunho said gently once the laughter died down.
Hongjoong sighed.
“It is not stuck,” he started.
Wooyoung raised a brow.
“It is temporarily refusing to cooperate.”
“That is the definition of stuck,” San replied.
Hongjoong let his shoulders drop.
“It is just not moving forward. I keep rewriting the hook. Nothing feels right.”
“Maybe you are overthinking it,” Mingi suggested.
“I am not.”
“You are,” Seonghwa corrected softly.
Hongjoong opened his mouth to argue, then closed it again. Maybe he was.
“I just thought this one would come easier,” he admitted. “But every time I think I have something, it feels incomplete.”
Yunho tilted his head.
“You know,” he said slowly, “I might know someone who could help.”
Hongjoong looked at him suspiciously. “You?”
Yunho grinned.
“My girlfriend’s best friend is coming later tonight.”
The table reacted immediately.
“The mythical best friend,” Wooyoung gasped dramatically. “She exists.”
“We have heard about her for a year and never seen her,” San added.
“It is not my fault schedules never matched,” Yunho defended himself.
Hongjoong frowned slightly. “What does she have to do with my project.”
Yunho shrugged casually. “She is really into music. Writes sometimes. Helps with arrangements. She has a good ear.”
Hongjoong hesitated.
“I do not need someone to fix it for me.”
“I did not say fix,” Yunho replied. “Just talk. Fresh perspective.”
Hongjoong took another sip of his drink.
He did not like asking for help. Especially not from someone he had never met.
“She is cool,” Yunho continued. “Very talented. Just… shy around new people.”
Wooyoung snorted. “You mean traumatized by our energy.”
“That too.”
Hongjoong leaned back in his chair. “Fine,” he said eventually. “If she wants to listen, she can. I am not promising anything.”
Yunho grinned like he had already won. “Good.”
And as if summoned by the mention of her name, the door to the bar opened again.
Yunho’s face lit up instantly. “There they are.”
Hongjoong turned instinctively.
Two girls stepped inside, brushing the cold night air from their coats. Yunho stood immediately, waving them over.
His girlfriend walked confidently toward the table, smiling brightly. Beside her walked someone Hongjoong had never seen before.
She was quieter. Not in appearance. There was something striking about her immediately. But her posture seemed slightly guarded, like she was aware of the room in a way most people were not.
Her eyes scanned the space briefly before landing on Yunho.
And then she smiled. It changed her entire face.
They reached the table, greetings overlapping as chairs were shuffled and introductions began.
“Guys, this is her,” Yunho announced proudly, squeezing his girlfriend’s hand before gesturing toward the girl beside her. “And this is her best friend.”
She gave a small wave. “Hi.”
Her voice was softer than he expected.
Hongjoong noticed two things at once.
First, she stayed half a step behind her friend.
Second, her phone buzzed in her hand.
He saw the way her shoulders tensed.
It was subtle. Almost invisible. But it was there.
She glanced down at the screen. The smile faded slightly. Her fingers hovered over the keyboard before she quickly typed something and slipped the phone into her bag.
When she looked up again, the expression was back in place. Polite. Controlled.
Yunho began introductions around the table. Names exchanged. Quick jokes thrown in.
When her gaze finally met Hongjoong’s, it lingered for half a second longer than the others had.
“This is Hongjoong,” Yunho said. “The one with the project crisis.”
A small amused sound left her. “That sounds serious.”
“It feels serious.”
She tilted her head slightly. Studying him. “What kind of project?”
The question was simple. Curious, not intrusive.
“Production piece,” he answered. “Original track.”
Her eyes lit up just a little. “Oh.”
And there it was. Interest. Real interest.
“What genre,” she asked.
He found himself sitting up straighter without meaning to. “Indie based. Experimental layering. I am trying to build tension without overcrowding it.”
She nodded slowly, as if she understood exactly what that meant. “That is difficult,” she said. “Negative space can be scarier than noise.”
The table fell quiet for a brief second.
Hongjoong stared at her. She did understand.
“That is exactly the problem,” he said before he could stop himself. “It either feels empty or overwhelming. There is no balance.”
She seemed to think for a moment. “Are you building the melody first or the atmosphere.”
“Melody.”
“Maybe that is why,” she said gently. “If the atmosphere carries the emotion first, the melody can breathe instead of forcing it.”
It was not criticism. It was thoughtful.
Hongjoong felt something shift slightly in his chest. “I never thought of flipping it,” he admitted.
She shrugged lightly. “Sometimes it helps to approach it sideways.”
Wooyoung leaned toward San dramatically. “Are we witnessing artistic bonding.”
“Do not interrupt,” San whispered back.
Yunho beamed at his girlfriend like he had orchestrated the entire thing.
Hongjoong barely noticed them. He was watching her.
Noticing the way she spoke about music with quiet certainty. The way she chose her words carefully. The way her hands moved slightly when explaining something.
Her phone buzzed again. The shift happened instantly this time. Her fingers tightened around her glass. Her jaw tensed. She did not look at the screen right away.
Hongjoong noticed.
She forced a smile when Yunho’s girlfriend asked her something. Nodded. Laughed at the right moment. But there was a thin crack now in the expression.
After a few minutes she excused herself. “Bathroom,” she said softly.
She grabbed her bag.
Hongjoong watched her weave through the crowd toward the hallway.
He did not know why he felt it. But something about the way she had reacted to that message unsettled him.
He looked down at the table, at the condensation on his glass.
“See,” Yunho said quietly, nudging him. “Told you she is talented.”
Hongjoong nodded slowly. “Yeah.”
Talented. And tense. He leaned back in his chair, thoughts already moving again. Not about his unfinished hook. But about the way her voice had shifted when her phone buzzed. And why it felt like she had stepped into the room carrying something heavier than she should have to.
He did not know her. But he had the strange feeling that the music might not be the only thing in his life about to change direction.
Hongjoong did not believe in coincidences when it came to sound.
Every note had a reason. Every silence had weight. Even mistakes created texture.
So when he noticed patterns in people, he trusted that instinct too.
He had only met her an hour ago, yet he had already counted three times her shoulders tensed at the vibration of her phone.
Not dramatically. Not enough for anyone else at the table to comment. But enough for him to notice.
She returned from the hallway after her first break with a composed expression. Polite smile in place. Eyes steady. She slipped back into her seat beside Seoah as if nothing had happened.
Nothing ever happened on the surface. The table resumed ist usual chaos.
Wooyoung was reenacting a disastrous presentation from earlier that week. San kept interrupting him to “correct historical inaccuracies.” Mingi laughed too loudly at everything. Jongho watched with the kind of calm amusement that suggested he would win any argument if he truly tried.
Hongjoong tried to focus. He really did. But his attention kept drifting back to her.
Y/N.
He rolled the name quietly in his mind.
She was speaking to Seonghwa now, explaining something about a composition class she was taking. Her hands moved when she talked about chord transitions, fingers sketching invisible patterns in the air.
When she spoke about music, she forgot to shrink. Her posture changed. Her voice warmed. The careful filter dropped just slightly.
Then her phone buzzed again. The shift was immediate. Her back straightened. Her lips pressed together. The spark dimmed.
Hongjoong felt something tighten low in his chest.
She did not check it right away this time. She let it buzz once. Twice. Then she glanced down quickly, as if hoping no one noticed.
Her eyes scanned the screen. Whatever she read made her inhale sharply through her nose. She typed something short. Quick. Efficient.
And then she placed the phone face down on the table.
Wooyoung had not paused his storytelling once.
No one else seemed to see it.
Hongjoong leaned back slightly in his chair, watching without appearing to watch.
Why did she react like that?
It was not excitement. Not annoyance either. It looked like… bracing.
As if every notification carried the possibility of something unpleasant.
He hated that he recognized that look. He had seen it before.
In classmates who hid panic attacks behind jokes. In people who checked messages from parents who never seemed satisfied. In someone who had once dated a friend and constantly monitored her whereabouts.
He looked away before his thoughts could spiral too far. He barely knew her. He shouldn’t assume.
The conversation shifted back to his project again, thanks to Yunho.
“So,” Yunho said casually, nudging his shoulder. “Did you consider her suggestion.”
Hongjoong glanced at Y/N. She looked surprised to be brought back into it.
“I was just rambling,” she said quickly. “You do not have to actually try that.”
“I might,” he replied.
Her brows lifted slightly. “Really.”
“Flipping the process,” he continued. “Atmosphere first. Then melody.”
A small flicker of interest returned to her eyes. “It could help,” she said. “If the emotion is already established, the melody will not have to carry everything.”
He studied her face.
When she talked about sound, she forgot to monitor herself.
“I could show you what I have so far,” he said before fully deciding to.
The table quieted for half a beat.
She blinked. “Show me.”
“In the studio,” he clarified. “If you want.”
He kept his tone even. Casual. Nonthreatening.
Just music.
Her expression shifted immediately. First curiosity.
Then something else. Something that made her glance down at the phone on the table. The spark that had just reappeared dimmed as if someone turned down the lights behind her eyes.
“That sounds really cool,” she said softly.
Then she hesitated. “I would just… have to ask my boyfriend first.”
The words landed heavier than they should have.
Hongjoong felt it instantly.
Ask. Not tell.
Not check schedule.
Ask.
He kept his face neutral. “Of course,” he said easily.
But something cold slipped through his thoughts.
Why would she need permission to listen to music in a studio with friends?
Seoah’s jaw tightened for the briefest second beside her.
Y/N did not seem to notice. She gave an apologetic smile. “He just likes to know where I am.”
The explanation came too fast. Too practiced.
Hongjoong nodded slowly. “Right.”
He did not press. He would not press.
But the weird feeling settled deeper in his chest.
The rest of the evening moved in waves.
Laughter. Drinks. Stories.
Y/N relaxed again in small intervals. When the conversation drifted toward favorite albums, she leaned forward eagerly, listing artists with a thoughtful intensity that surprised him.
When Mingi challenged her to name the best bridge in any song ever written, she did not hesitate before giving an answer and defending it passionately.
She had opinions. Strong ones.
But every time her phone lit up, she retreated. Like a tide pulling back.
At some point she excused herself again to take a call. This time she did not even pretend it was the bathroom.
“I will just step outside for a second,” she murmured.
Seoah’s eyes followed her immediately.
Hongjoong watched the door close behind her. The noise of the bar swallowed the silence she left.
Yunho was mid sentence about something ridiculous Wooyoung had done last week, but Hongjoong found himself only half listening.
Through the window he could see her outside under the streetlight.
She was turned slightly away, one hand gripping her coat sleeve tightly as she held the phone to her ear.
He could not hear the conversation. But he could see enough. Her shoulders were tense. Chin slightly lowered. Free hand gesturing once as if trying to explain something.
Then she stilled. Completely.
The kind of stillness that meant someone else was speaking and she was absorbing it. Her head dipped.
Even from this distance he could tell her expression had changed.
When she came back inside five minutes later, the lightness she had briefly shown earlier was gone.
Her smile was polite again. Careful.
“I am sorry,” she said softly once she reached the table. “I have to head home.”
Already?
Seoah frowned. “It is not even that late.”
Y/N avoided her gaze. “He just… wants to see me.”
There it was again. Wants.
Hongjoong felt the strange coldness sharpen into something closer to anger.
Not loud anger. Not explosive. Just a steady, disapproving heat.
Seoah stood immediately. “I can walk you.”
“No,” Y/N said quickly. Too quickly. “It is fine. He is picking me up.”
That made Hongjoong’s jaw tighten. Picking her up.
He wondered if that meant he was already outside. Waiting.
She gave them all a small wave. “It was really nice meeting you,” she said, looking at each of them in turn.
Her gaze lingered on Hongjoong for half a second longer. “I would like to hear your project sometime,” she added quietly.
“You will,” he replied before thinking.
Her lips curved faintly at that.
Then she was gone. The door closed.
The space she left behind felt heavier than it should have.
Silence stretched for a moment at the table.
Wooyoung was the first to break it. “Okay,” he said slowly. “What was that.”
Seoah sank back into her chair, exhaling sharply. “She is going home because he told her to.”
Yunho frowned. “Seoah.”
“No,” she insisted. “You saw it too.”
Hongjoong’s gaze shifted to her. “Is he always like that.”
Seoah laughed humorlessly. “Worse.”
The word hung in the air.
Yunho reached for her hand under the table.
“Seoah,” he murmured gently, a quiet warning.
But she shook her head. “They should know.”
Hongjoong straightened slightly. “Know what.”
Seoah looked at each of them, then focused on Hongjoong. “He is controlling. About everything.”
“How,” Seonghwa asked softly.
Seoah ticked it off on her fingers. “What she wears. Who she studies with. Where she goes. He checks her location constantly. If she does not answer within five minutes, he calls.”
Hongjoong felt his hands curl into fists on his lap.
“She used to dress differently,” Seoah continued. “Brighter. Bolder. Now she keeps everything neutral because he says she attracts attention.”
Mingi swore under his breath.
“And classes,” Seoah added bitterly. “He convinced her to switch one of her electives because it did not align with his schedule.”
Hongjoong stared at the table.
Ask my boyfriend first. He understood now.
“Why is she still with him,” Jongho asked quietly.
Seoah’s expression softened. “Because he was not like this at first.”
Of course he was not.
“They started dating freshman year,” she continued. “He was charming. Supportive. Everyone loved him. It shifted slowly. Little comments. Little rules. And by the time she realized it was control, she already felt responsible for his moods.”
Hongjoong inhaled slowly through his nose. Responsible.
He hated that word in this context.
“He isolates her,” Seoah said more quietly now. “Not obviously. But enough. She cancels plans more often. Says she is tired. Says she promised him something.”
Her voice trembled slightly. “I try not to push too hard. If I criticize him directly, she defends him.”
Because she has to. Because if she admits it, it becomes real.
Hongjoong’s mind was racing.
The way she had tensed at every message. The way she had dimmed when he mentioned the studio. The way she left immediately after that call.
“She deserves better,” Mingi muttered.
“She does,” Seoah agreed fiercely.
Hongjoong looked toward the door again, though she was long gone.
He pictured her outside under that streetlight.
Small under the glow. Waiting.
A woman like her.
Talented. Thoughtful. Sensitive to sound in ways most people were not.
Together with someone who monitored her like a possession.
The thought sat wrong in his chest.
He barely knew her. Yet the idea of her shrinking herself to fit someone else’s comfort made something in him ache.
“She is smart,” Seoah said softly, almost to herself. “So smart. And kind. And he makes her feel like she is difficult.”
Hongjoong’s jaw tightened. He had seen this before too.
Make someone doubt their own light.
Then offer yourself as the only safe source of approval.
It was insidious. It was effective. And it was wrong.
He reached for his drink but realized he had finished it.
“Does he ever…” San started, then hesitated. “Does he ever get aggressive.”
Seoah’s silence was answer enough. Yunho squeezed her hand gently.
“He yells,” she said finally. “Not in public. But I have heard it over the phone.”
Hongjoong’s pulse slowed into something steady and deliberate.
A calm that usually came before he made decisions. “She flinches at her phone,” he said quietly.
Seoah looked at him. “You noticed.”
“Yes.”
“Most people do not.”
He did not know what to say to that. He did not want to be the kind of person who stepped into someone else’s relationship uninvited. He did not want to assume.
But he also did not want to ignore what felt obvious.
“She said she wanted to hear your project,” Yunho pointed out gently.
Just music. A space where she did not have to ask permission.
He wondered if she even realized how often she apologized tonight.
For speaking too long. For disagreeing. For laughing too loud.
A woman like her should not have to ask to exist.
The thought came unbidden and surprised him with ist intensity.
He barely knew her. And yet.
He could still see the way her eyes lit up when discussing negative space in music.
And how quickly that light dimmed under the weight of a message.
The bar noise swelled around them again, but Hongjoong felt oddly removed from it now.
His project no longer felt like the most frustrating thing in his life.
He leaned back in his chair, gaze fixed on nothing in particular. He did not know what would happen next. He did not know if she would ever actually step into his studio. He did not know if she would ever feel safe enough to not check her phone every few minutes.
But one thing settled quietly in his mind.
If she ever did walk into that studio. If she ever chose to sit beside him and listen without bracing for interruption.
He would make sure it was the safest room she had ever known.
Two weeks.
Fourteen days of the same unfinished loop echoing through the studio.
Hongjoong stared at the screen in front of him, jaw tight, fingers hovering uselessly above the keyboard. The waveform on his laptop looked almost mocking now. A half formed idea pretending to be progress.
He pressed play.
The track filled the room. Ambient synths swelling softly. A low percussion line creeping in. Then the space where the hook should land.
It fell flat. Not wrong. Just not alive.
He stopped it halfway through and leaned back in his chair, exhaling sharply through his nose.
He had tried flipping the structure like she suggested. Built the atmosphere first. Focused on tension before melody.
It had helped.
But something still felt missing.
His mind drifted away from the screen despite himself.
It kept doing that lately. Drifting.
Not toward new melodies. Toward her.
Y/N under the bar’s dim lights. Y/N explaining negative space like she could feel silence the way he did. Y/N dimming at the buzz of her phone.
He pushed his chair back slightly and ran a hand through his hair.
Focus.
But his thoughts slipped back to last week.
They had met at Yunho’s place. Nothing special. Just food, music, too much noise in a cramped living room. At some point the conversation had turned, as it often did lately, to Seoah’s best friend.
“She canceled again,” Seoah had said quietly, curled up against Yunho on the couch.
“Canceled what,” San had asked.
“Movie night. Said she forgot she promised him something.”
The tone Seoah used for that word had said enough.
Hongjoong remembered the way he had gone still.
“It is getting worse,” Seoah continued. “She barely answers messages anymore. When she does, it is short. Careful.”
Careful. The word had lodged itself somewhere in his chest.
“Did you ask her if she is okay,” Seonghwa had asked gently.
Seoah’s smile had been sad. “She says she is. That he just gets stressed easily. That she does not want to make things harder for him.”
Hongjoong had felt something twist inside him at that. Make things harder for him.
“She is isolating herself,” Seoah admitted. “I can feel it.”
That sentence had followed him back to the studio that night.
It was still there now.
Isolating herself.
He leaned back further in his chair, eyes drifting up to the ceiling.
Why did it bother him this much?
One conversation in a bar. A few exchanged sentences about music.
And yet the thought of her shrinking her world to fit someone else unsettled him more than his own creative block.
The studio suddenly felt suffocating.
The air stale.
He closed his laptop with a quiet snap.
Fresh air.
He needed it.
Outside, the late afternoon sun painted the campus in warm gold. Students drifted between buildings in loose clusters. Laughter echoed from somewhere near the courtyard fountain.
Life moving forward.
He shoved his hands into his jacket pockets and walked without much direction.
Past the arts building. Past the library steps.
He tried to let his mind empty. It did not.
Instead, it replayed her voice.
If the atmosphere carries the emotion first, the melody can breathe.
He wondered if that advice applied to more than music.
Maybe people needed atmosphere too. Safety before expression.
He rounded the corner near the humanities building and nearly walked straight into her. He stopped abruptly.
She did too.
For half a second they simply stared at each other.
Her eyes widened. “Hongjoong.”
His name sounded surprised on her lips.
“Hi,” he replied, just as startled.
She looked different in daylight. Less guarded than in the bar’s dim lighting. Her hair was loose around her shoulders. She wore a simple sweater and jeans. Neutral colors.
“I did not expect to see you,” she said.
“Me neither.”
There was an awkward pause.
Then she smiled.
It was not as bright as that first one at the bar, but it was real.
“How have you been,” she asked politely.
“Blocked,” he admitted without thinking.
Her lips curved faintly. “The project.”
“Yeah.”
She shifted her bag on her shoulder. “I was wondering how that was going.”
“It is… progressing slowly.”
She tilted her head slightly. “Did flipping it help at all.”
“A little,” he said. “But it still feels incomplete.”
She nodded as if she understood that frustration intimately. “Sometimes you just need someone else’s ears,” she murmured.
The words hung there between them.
He seized the opening before he could overthink it.
“Then come listen,” he said.
Her brows lifted. “To what.”
“To it,” he replied. “The studio is free right now. If you have time.”
There was a beat of silence.
He watched her face carefully.
Waiting for the dimming. Waiting for hesitation.
Instead, something else happened.
She blinked. And then she said, “Okay.”
Just like that.
No pause. No mention of asking.
He almost did not trust it.
“Okay,” he repeated.
“Yeah.” She glanced at her phone reflexively, then caught herself. “I mean, I have an hour before my next class.”
His heart kicked slightly faster. “Then let’s go.”
They walked side by side across campus. The conversation started tentative but grew steadier with each step.
She asked about his process. He asked about her composition class.
When they reached the studio building, she slowed slightly. “I have never actually been inside,” she admitted.
“It is less glamorous than it sounds,” he said dryly as he unlocked the door.
The familiar scent of electronics and dust greeted them as they stepped inside.
She looked around with quiet curiosity. “This is yours.”
“Temporarily.”
He set his bag down and powered everything back on.
She stood near the desk, hands clasped lightly in front of her, waiting.
There was none of the bar’s tension here.
No noise. No watchful scanning of exits.
Just soft hums of equipment coming to life.
He pressed play.
The track filled the small room.
He watched her instead of the screen.
She closed her eyes halfway through the intro.
Actually listened.
Her fingers tapped lightly against her arm, following the rhythm.
When the empty space where the hook should land arrived, she did not flinch.
She just inhaled slowly.
When the track ended, she opened her eyes.
“It is beautiful,” she said immediately.
He frowned slightly. “It is unfinished.”
“So.”
He blinked.
“So,” she repeated. “Unfinished does not mean bad.”
He did not know why that hit as deeply as it did.
She stepped closer to the desk. “The tension is good,” she continued. “But I think you are afraid of letting it sit.”
“Sit.”
“You keep trying to resolve it too quickly,” she explained gently. “What if you let the silence stretch longer before the hook.”
He considered that. “I thought it would feel empty.”
“It will,” she said. “But that is the point.”
He stared at her.
She was animated now. Confident. No shrinking.
“Try stripping back the percussion right before it,” she suggested. “Make it feel like it is holding ist breath.”
Without thinking, he reached for the controls and adjusted the track.
He replayed it.
The difference was immediate. The silence felt intentional now. Not lacking.
His chest tightened slightly.
“That is…” He stopped.
“Better,” she finished softly.
He nodded slowly. “You were right.”
A small, proud smile touched her lips. “I usually am.”
He huffed out a quiet laugh.
They spent the next forty minutes adjusting minor elements. Testing variations. Talking through structure.
It was easy. Too easy.
Like they had known each other longer than two conversations.
At some point he realized she had not checked her phone once. Not once.
When they finally stepped back outside, the sun had dipped lower in the sky. The campus was quieter now.
She hugged her arms around herself lightly.
“Thank you,” she said. “For letting me hear it.”
“You helped,” he replied.
She shook her head. “You did the hard part.”
There was something softer in her expression now. Unfiltered.
They started walking slowly toward the courtyard.
“You look different here,” he said before he could stop himself.
She glanced at him. “Different.”
“Less tense.”
She looked down briefly. “It is quiet,” she said.
“You like quiet?”
“I like spaces where I do not have to monitor myself,” she admitted.
The honesty startled him. He slowed slightly.
“You should not have to monitor yourself anywhere.”
She gave him a small, almost sad smile. “That is not really how it works.”
He stopped walking entirely. She did too.
“Why,” he asked quietly.
She hesitated.
Then shrugged lightly. “It is easier to keep things smooth.”
“For who.”
She did not answer that.
He exhaled slowly. “You should not make yourself smaller than you are,” he said.
Her eyes flicked up to his immediately. “What.”
“You dim,” he continued gently. “When you get certain messages. When certain topics come up. You shrink.”
Her throat moved as she swallowed. “That is not—”
“It is,” he said softly. Not accusing. Just certain.
Silence stretched between them.
“You are not difficult,” he added. “You are not too much. You are not something that needs to be managed.”
Her eyes glistened faintly.
For a second, he thought she might actually say something real.
Something unfiltered.
Instead, a voice cut through the air behind them.
Sharp. Firm. Angry.
“Y/N.”
She went rigid.
Hongjoong turned. A man stood a few steps away.
Well dressed. Controlled posture. Jaw tight.
His gaze was locked entirely on her.
Not on Hongjoong. On her.
“What are you doing,” he asked.
The words were calm. The tone was not.
Her shoulders curled inward instantly. “I was just—”
“You said you had class,” he interrupted.
Hongjoong felt the shift like a physical pressure change.
“I did,” she said quickly. “It just ended early.”
The boyfriend’s eyes flicked to Hongjoong then.
Assessing. Cold.
“And you are.”
“Hongjoong,” he answered evenly.
The boyfriend did not offer his name back.
“How do you know her.”
“We met through friends,” Hongjoong said calmly.
The boyfriend’s jaw tightened.
“You should have told me,” he said to Y/N.
“I did not think—”
“That is the problem.”
The sentence was quiet. Controlled. But sharp.
Hongjoong felt heat rise under his skin.
“She was just helping me with a project,” he said carefully.
The boyfriend’s gaze snapped back to him. “I did not ask you.”
The tension thickened.
Y/N stepped slightly closer to her boyfriend. Instinctively.
“I was about to head home anyway,” she said softly.
The boyfriend’s hand settled on her lower back.
Not violently. But possessively.
“We are leaving,” he said.
Hongjoong watched her face. There was apology there.
She looked at him for half a second.
“See you,” she said quietly.
The boyfriend’s hand tightened subtly.
“No you will not,” he corrected smoothly. “You do not need to.”
Hongjoong held his gaze. Steady. He did not escalate. But he did not look away either.
The boyfriend finally broke eye contact first.
“Goodnight,” he said curtly.
Then he guided her away.
Not dragging. Not violent.
Just firm enough to make it clear who decided things.
Hongjoong stood still long after they disappeared down the path.
His chest felt tight. His hands were fists again.
He replayed the interaction carefully in his mind.
The interruption. The correction. The way she folded into herself. The way she instinctively stepped closer to him when tension rose.
It had not been explosive.
Not dramatic.
But it had been wrong.
Very wrong.
The atmosphere had shifted the second he arrived.
And Hongjoong understood something now.
Silence could hold tension.
But this was not artistic tension.
This was pressure.
And as he stood alone in the fading light, watching the space where they had walked away together, he knew one thing with unsettling clarity.
He did not like the way she looked beside him.
Not because they stood close.
But because she looked smaller.
Y/N used to love walking at night.
The quiet. The softness of the air after sunset. The feeling that the world, for a few hours, loosened ist grip on expectations.
Tonight, every step beside him felt measured.
Too measured.
Her boyfriend walked half a step ahead of her on the path toward his apartment, jaw tight, hands shoved into his coat pockets. He had not spoken since they left campus.
That silence was worse than yelling.
It meant calculation.
She kept her gaze lowered to the pavement, mind replaying the afternoon like it was something fragile she was afraid to drop.
The studio.
The way the room had felt calm.
The way no one interrupted her.
The way Hongjoong had listened when she spoke, not just waited for his turn to talk.
She had not realized how rare that was until today.
Her thoughts drifted further back. To the bar two weeks ago. To Seoah’s bright smile when she introduced her to the group.
To Yunho.
Yunho had always been kind to her. From the first time Seoah dragged her along to a study session where he happened to be. He never looked at her like she was fragile or complicated. He treated her like she belonged in the room.
She liked that.
She liked that he laughed loudly and never seemed embarrassed by joy.
But that night at the bar, it had been different.
She had liked Hongjoong.
Not in a way that scared her.
But he had included her.
When conversations shifted quickly and inside jokes flew across the table, he had subtly redirected them back toward topics she could join. Asked her opinion. Followed up on her answers.
Not to impress her.
Not to flirt.
Just to make space.
And when he invited her to the studio earlier today, something had fluttered in her chest that she had not felt in a long time.
Excitement.
Not fear.
She had said yes before she could stop herself.
And she had meant it.
The memory warmed her even now.
Until...
“What the hell were you thinking.”
His voice cut through her thoughts like glass.
She flinched automatically.
“I told you,” she said softly. “My class ended early.”
“With him.”
There it was.
She inhaled slowly. “He is just a friend of Seoah’s boyfriend.”
“Do not lie to me.”
“I am not.”
He stopped walking abruptly. She nearly bumped into him.
His eyes were sharp. Controlled. Dangerous in the quiet way she had learned to recognize.
“You were alone with him.”
“In the studio,” she clarified. “Working on his project.”
“You expect me to believe that.”
Her throat tightened.
“It is the truth.”
He laughed, but there was no humor in it.
“You really think I am that stupid.”
She hated when he framed it like that. As if defending herself meant insulting him.
“I would not cheat on you,” she said quickly.
“I know you would not,” he snapped. “Because you know what would happen if you did.”
The implication hung between them.
Her stomach dropped.
He started walking again. Faster now. She had to hurry to keep up.
They reached the apartment building in tense silence. The hallway felt colder than usual.
Inside, he dropped his keys on the counter harder than necessary.
“You embarrass me,” he said without looking at her.
Her chest tightened.
“I did not do anything wrong.”
“You disrespected me.”
“I just helped with music.”
“With some guy.”
“He is not just some guy,” she replied before thinking.
The shift in the room was immediate.
He turned slowly.
“What did you just say.”
She swallowed.
“I meant he is Seoah’s friend.”
His jaw clenched.
“Seoah,” he muttered darkly. “That little slut is a bad influence on you.”
Something inside her snapped.
Small. But real.
“Do not call her that.”
He stared at her like she had spoken another language.
“What.”
“Do not call her that,” she repeated, softer but steady. “She has always been there for me.”
He took a step toward her.
“You are defending her.”
“She did not do anything.”
“She introduces you to guys and suddenly you are alone in studios.”
“It was not like that.”
“Then what was it like.”
She hesitated.
Because how could she explain that it had felt safe.
That she had not been calculating every word.
That she had laughed without checking his reaction.
How could she say that without making it worse.
“It was just music,” she whispered.
His face hardened.
“You think I do not see what is happening.”
“What is happening,” she asked, voice trembling slightly.
“You are getting ideas.”
Her heart pounded.
“I am not.”
“You are,” he insisted. “You think you can disrespect me because some loser producer gives you attention.”
That word hit her.
Attention.
Like that was all it had been.
“I do not need attention,” she said quietly.
“Then what do you need.”
The question hung there.
She did not answer.
Because she did not know how to put it into words.
He stepped closer again.
“You are acting like a bitch.”
The insult landed harder than the others.
Her eyes burned.
“I am not,” she whispered.
“You are.”
“I am not.”
The second repetition came out stronger than she expected.
And that was when it happened.
His hand moved faster than her brain could process.
A sharp crack filled the room.
Pain exploded across her cheek.
For a second she did not understand what had happened.
Then the taste of blood filled her mouth.
She stumbled backward, vision blurring.
“You made me do that,” he hissed.
Shock froze her in place.
He had never...
He had yelled. Grabbed her wrist too tightly. Slammed doors.
But never this.
“You keep pushing,” he continued, stepping toward her.
She took a step back.
There were stairs behind her.
She did not think about that until her heel hit empty air.
His hand shoved her shoulder.
Hard.
The world tilted.
Then she was falling.
The impact stole the air from her lungs.
Pain shot through her side as she hit the bottom of the stairs awkwardly.
For a moment everything went silent.
Then ringing.
Her cheek throbbed. Her ribs screamed. Her head spun.
She lay there, stunned.
Footsteps descended slowly.
He appeared above her, framed by the hallway light.
“What is wrong with you,” he said, voice no longer loud. Just cold.
She tried to breathe.
He crouched down, face close to hers.
“You see what you do to me.”
Her mind struggled to catch up.
“You make me angry,” he continued. “You know how I get when I am angry.”
Tears slipped from the corners of her eyes without permission.
“I did not—”
“You did,” he interrupted sharply. “If you had just come home like you said. If you had not disrespected me.”
The words blurred together.
He was hovering over her.
Not touching now.
But looming.
“You are lucky I care about you,” he said more quietly. “Most guys would not put up with this.”
Her chest hurt.
Not just physically.
“You are lucky I love you.”
The phrase felt wrong.
Twisted.
Somewhere beneath the pain and the ringing in her ears, something cracked open.
This is not love.
The thought came quietly.
Clearer than anything else.
He stood after a moment, running a hand through his hair like he was the one overwhelmed.
“Clean yourself up,” he muttered. “And stop crying. You look pathetic.”
He walked away.
Left her on the floor.
The apartment door to the bedroom closed a minute later.
Silence.
Real silence.
She stayed there longer than she meant to.
Staring at the ceiling.
Her cheek pulsed.
Her body ached.
But deeper than that was something colder.
He punched me.
The sentence repeated in her mind.
He punched me.
It felt unreal.
Like it had happened to someone else.
But when she lifted a shaky hand to her face and touched the swelling skin, pain flared bright and undeniable.
She did not leave because she was afraid of being alone.
She did not leave because she loved him.
She did not leave because she believed him.
She did not leave because she was afraid of him.
The realization settled slowly.
Heavy.
She was afraid of what would happen if she tried.
Of escalation.
Of retaliation.
Of losing what little stability she had left.
Of proving him right.
She dragged herself up carefully, wincing at the protest in her ribs.
In the bathroom mirror, she barely recognized herself.
Red swelling across her cheekbone. Blood dried at the corner of her lip.
He punched me.
The words refused to soften.
She washed her face gently, hands trembling.
When she stepped into the bedroom, he was already asleep.
On his side.
Peaceful.
Like nothing had happened.
She stood in the doorway for a long time.
Then turned away.
She did not want to lie beside him.
Not tonight.
She walked back into the living room and slid down the wall until she was sitting on the floor.
Her knees pulled to her chest.
The apartment felt too small.
Too quiet.
Tears came then.
Not loud.
Just steady.
Overwhelmed.
Her mind raced in circles.
Leave.
How.
Go where.
Tell who.
Would they believe her.
Would he get worse.
Would he apologize tomorrow.
Would she forgive him.
Her thoughts tangled together until she felt dizzy.
She pressed her forehead to her knees.
And without meaning to, her mind drifted back to the studio.
To the way Hongjoong had said, You should not make yourself smaller than you are.
Her chest tightened painfully.
She did not feel small right now.
She felt shattered.
The night stretched endlessly ahead of her.
And for the first time since she started dating him, she understood with terrifying clarity that staying might hurt more than leaving.
She just did not know how to do it.
The bruise bloomed darker on the second day.
Deep purple spreading across her cheekbone, yellow edges forming beneath her eye like something rotting under the skin. It was impossible to ignore in the mirror. Impossible to pretend it was subtle.
Y/N tilted her head slightly left, then right.
Still obvious.
She pulled the cap lower.
Then added concealer.
Then more.
It did not disappear. It only dulled.
She stared at her reflection for a long moment.
You are not at fault.
The sentence sounded clear and logical in her mind.
It did not feel true in her body.
Embarrassment sat heavier than the pain in her ribs.
Shame curled deeper than the ache in her cheek.
She knew, rationally, that she had not deserved it. She had not provoked him. She had defended her friend. She had said nothing cruel.
But every time she replayed the argument, a small voice whispered:
You could have stayed quiet.
You could have avoided it.
You could have prevented it.
That voice sounded like him.
The past few days, he had been… calm.
Too calm.
Attentive.
He had brought her coffee in the morning. Asked how her cheek was healing in a tone that sounded almost concerned.
“I just lost my temper,” he had said the next day, running a hand through his hair like he was the one overwhelmed. “You know how stressed I’ve been.”
She had nodded.
“I should not have said what I did,” she had murmured.
The words had tasted wrong even then.
He had exhaled like he was relieved she understood.
“I just need you to respect me,” he told her gently. “That is all.”
Respect.
The word had twisted inside her.
Now, three days later, he was back to normal.
Smiling at her. Kissing her forehead. Acting like nothing catastrophic had shifted between them.
It made her doubt herself.
Maybe it really was just one bad moment.
Maybe she pushed too far.
Maybe...
She shut her eyes.
No.
He punched you.
The memory was sharp. Clear.
Her body did not forget, even if her mind tried to soften it.
She adjusted the cap again and left the apartment before he could ask where she was going.
Campus felt too bright.
Too exposed.
She kept her head down as she crossed the courtyard after her lecture, weaving through students carefully. If she did not make eye contact, no one would stop her.
That was the plan.
Avoid. Minimize. Disappear.
She almost made it across the open space unnoticed.
Almost.
“Y/N.”
Her stomach dropped.
She recognized Seoah’s voice instantly.
She kept walking.
Maybe if she pretended she did not hear...
“Y/N!”
Closer now.
She winced and slowed despite herself.
Footsteps quickened behind her.
A hand touched her elbow gently.
She turned before she could stop herself.
Seoah stood there, breath slightly uneven from hurrying, brows drawn together in concern.
“Why are you ignoring me,” Seoah asked softly.
“I am not,” Y/N replied quickly, keeping her face angled downward.
“You are.”
Seoah stepped closer.
“Look at me.”
Y/N shook her head lightly.
“I just have to—”
Seoah moved again, positioning herself in front of her so she could not escape without physically pushing past.
“Take off the cap.”
“It is sunny, I will get a sunburn,” Y/N said weakly.
“It is not.”
Her heart pounded.
“Seoah, please.”
The plea came out smaller than she intended.
Seoah’s expression changed immediately.
Not annoyance. Alarm.
Very gently, Seoah reached up and lifted the brim of the cap just enough.
Y/N did not resist.
She did not have the energy to.
Seoah inhaled sharply.
Her face went white.
Then red.
“Was that him.”
The question came low. Controlled. Dangerous.
Y/N swallowed.
For a second she considered lying.
Saying she tripped. Saying it was an accident.
But Seoah’s eyes were already shining with fury.
And something inside her was too tired to protect him.
She nodded.
Seoah’s jaw clenched so hard it looked painful.
“That asshole,” she hissed.
The word carried no exaggeration this time.
Just truth.
The sound of Seoah’s raised voice drew attention.
And attention drew others.
“What is going on,” Yunho’s voice asked from behind them.
Y/N stiffened.
No.
She did not want this. She did not want them to see. She tried to lower her head again, but it was too late.
Yunho stepped around Seoah.
So did Hongjoong.
And Seonghwa.
Yunho’s expression shifted instantly when he saw her face.
He stopped mid step.
“What happened.”
It was not a question. It was disbelief.
Hongjoong froze.
She could feel his gaze on her before she looked up.
When she did, his expression was not loud like Yunho’s.
“Was it him,” Yunho asked again, voice sharper now.
Seoah answered for her.
“Yes.”
Yunho swore under his breath.
Hongjoong took one slow step closer.
Not crowding.
Just enough to see clearly.
The anger in his eyes was not explosive.
It was controlled.
Cold.
“Did he do this,” he asked quietly.
She nodded again.
The admission made her stomach twist.
She hated the way it made everything real.
Seoah grabbed her hands. “Why did you not tell me.”
“I did not know how,” Y/N whispered.
Her voice cracked. “I did not know what to say.”
“That he hit you,” Seoah snapped.
The word echoed louder than she wanted.
Students nearby were beginning to stare.
Y/N felt heat crawl up her neck.
“I am fine,” she insisted weakly.
“You are not fine,” Yunho said.
Hongjoong’s jaw flexed.
“Does he know we know,” Seonghwa asked carefully.
She shook her head quickly. “No. Please do not—”
“Do not what,” Yunho demanded. “Do not be angry.”
“I do not want to make it worse,” she blurted.
Silence.
That sentence hung there heavily.
Hongjoong’s eyes sharpened. “He made it worse, not you.” he said quietly.
Not accusing her. Stating a fact.
Tears burned her vision. “I do not know what to do,” she admitted.
The words spilled out before she could stop them.
“I feel so stupid. I should have seen it. I should have left earlier. I should have—”
“Stop,” Seoah interrupted immediately.
“You are not stupid.”
“I feel ashamed,” Y/N whispered.
The confession tasted bitter.
Hongjoong’s gaze softened slightly. “Why.”
The question was genuine. Not rhetorical.
She looked at him helplessly. “Because I let it happen.”
The reaction was immediate.
“You did not let anything happen,” Yunho said firmly.
“He chose to hit you,” Seonghwa added gently.
“That is on him.”
She shook her head, overwhelmed. “But I stayed. I kept defending him. I told you all he was stressed.”
Hongjoong stepped closer again. Careful. Not touching.
“You stayed because leaving someone like that is terrifying,” he said quietly.
Her eyes flicked up to his.
He was not looking at her with pity. He was looking at her with something steadier.
Understanding.
“You are not ashamed because you were weak,” he continued softly. “You are ashamed because he made you believe this was your fault. And believe me it isn't, that is entirely on him.”
The words pierced through her chest.
Tears spilled over.
She had not realized how much she needed someone to say that out loud.
Seoah wrapped her arms around her immediately. “You are not alone in this,” Seoah whispered fiercely into her hair.
Yunho ran a frustrated hand through his hair. “If he touches you again—”
“He will not,” Hongjoong said firmly.
There was something in his tone that made all of them glance at him.
Y/N felt her breathing quicken.
“I do not know how to leave,” she admitted, voice barely audible. “I do not know how to do it without making him angrier.”
The fear slipped through then. Real and unfiltered.
Hongjoong’s expression tightened slightly.
“We will figure it out,” he said.
We.
The word wrapped around her like something solid.
“You do not have to do it alone.”
Students were openly staring now. Whispers drifting around them.
Y/N felt exposed. Vulnerable.
But for the first time since it happened, she did not feel completely isolated inside it.
Seoah pulled back slightly to look at her face again. “We are not letting this slide,” she said firmly.
Yunho nodded.
Seonghwa’s hand hovered awkwardly near Y/N’s shoulder before resting there gently.
Hongjoong did not touch her.
He just stood close enough that she could feel his presence.
Anger simmered visibly in all of them.
But it was not chaotic. It was protective.
And for the first time in days, the shame inside her chest loosened just a fraction.
Not because the bruise hurt less. Not because she suddenly felt brave.
But because when they looked at her, they did not see someone pathetic.
They saw someone wronged.
And maybe, just maybe, that made leaving feel possidle.
˙⋆✮ She's been two different people for so long she can't remember which one she started as. Neither of them feels like a lie anymore. That's the part that keeps her up at night.
˙⋆✮ "I know exactly who you are. I've known since the beginning. I've been waiting for you to trust me enough to tell me yourself."
˙⋆✮ The most wanted criminal in the empire and the empire's most decorated general are the same person. Have been for twenty years. The paperwork is a nightmare.
˙⋆✮ He built an entirely new life after the war. New name, new city, new everything. Someone just moved in next door who knew him before. They haven't said anything yet.
˙⋆✮ "I'm not who you think I am. I'm also not who I think I am. We're both going to have to be patient while I figure this out."
˙⋆✮ The double was hired to protect the queen. The queen was hired to protect the double. Nobody told either of them about the other.
˙⋆✮ She wrote anonymous letters to the editor for fifteen years arguing against everything she believed in. It was the only place she was allowed to be honest.
˙⋆✮ "The mask isn't hiding anything. It's the only thing holding everything together. I'll take it off when I find something better."
˙⋆✮ He's been lying so long the truth feels foreign in his mouth. He practices it alone at night like a language he's trying to relearn.
˙⋆✮ The revolutionary leader and the voice of the regime have been the same person since the beginning. Even she isn't sure which side she's really on anymore.
˙⋆✮ "Everyone in this room is pretending to be someone else. The interesting part is that we're all pretending to be each other."
˙⋆✮ She told one small lie at seventeen. Built a life on it. The life is genuinely good. The lie is still there at the foundation. She checks it every morning like a crack in the wall.
˙⋆✮ The spy retired, destroyed every record, became someone entirely new. Then someone who only knows the new version fell in love with her. She has no idea how to let them in without letting everything out.
Synopsis: After discovering your recent ex had cheated on you while you were together, the thought of loving and trusting again seems distant and futile. That is until love finds you where you least expect it in your best friend, Hongjoong.
Tags/Warnings: hurt/comfort, primarily fluff, the tiniest bit of angst, eventual smut (18+ MDNI), extremely self-indulgent, mentions of previous toxic relationships, yearner Hongjoong, completely down bad Hongjoong, penetrative sex, fingerfucking, oral (f receiving), body worship, lowk vanilla sex (and that's okay!), jealous Hongjoong, slightly possessive Hongjoong
WC: 16.3k
A/N: Long time fic in the making! Also, like I said in the tags, this is extremely self-indulgent bc I wrote this right after just finding out my ex gf cheated on me while we were together LOL!! So, I apologize to any Y/Ns out there who might get mischaracterized by this (tried my best not to let it happen). Also, if at any point in the fic you think to yourself, "Hongjoong would not fucking say that" I'm aware lmao, I just needed to write out what I wanted to hear. Anyway, I hope you all still enjoy the fic, and as always feedback of any kind is welcome and appreciated. Enjoy!! Love, C :-3
Also on AO3
No AI has been used in the creation of this work. Feeding this work to AI in any form is prohibited.
☆彡
"I never liked them anyway."
"I know, Hongjoong," you sigh, looking at him across the table. The two of you sit in your favorite coffee shop to get some work done— as you do every week— but this time you come with a new and unfortunate discovery. You tell him that for the last few months of your relationship, your (very recent) ex had been cheating on you.
"They never treated you right. Never the way you deserved to be treated," he says with furrowed brows and a deep frown. He looks angry, and you don't blame him.
Hongjoong had always been fairly vocal about his dislike for your ex. When you'd confide in him, he never hesitated to express his concerns about their actions and statements. At the time, you thought they were your person, so you put up with the mistreatment, rationalized it, and brushed off the concerning number of times Hongjoong had to pull you aside to check if you were really happy. At the time, you told yourself you were, but deep down, you knew you weren't being treated correctly. But, it wasn't until the relationship ended that you could fully process it.
Through the poor relationship and the breakup, Hongjoong stayed by your side. He never once said, "I told you so," even though he definitely had every right to.
But now, four months after the breakup, you're realizing more and more what he had known all along; that things were really bad. Sometimes you would mention something to Hongjoong about what your ex did or said that you never told anyone about, and he would be in shock at how bad it actually was, and you would belatedly realize it too.
"I know they didn't; But, I mean, really, the signs were there,” you state while twiddling with the rings on your fingers, “ I should've just trusted my intuition and left at the first hint of cheating." You look out the window instead of at Hongjoong's eyes.
Cheating was a touchy subject for you since your prior relationship also ended with your partner cheating. It took you a long time after that relationship for you to start dating again. Because of how seriously you took infidelity, you swore that if you ever caught a partner cheating on you, you would end it right then and there. There were a few times you thought your ex might've been, but everytime you brought it up they were able to manipulate the situation for you to stay.
So, you feel incredibly stupid and naive, not knowing that your ex had successfully hidden it from you and only just now finding out about it. "Hey," Hongjoong says, soft yet firm. He waits until your eyes meet his gaze before continuing. "You're forgetting something. You did trust your intuition, and you talked to them every time you thought something was off. They were the one who lied and told you it was just jealousy. Don't blame yourself. They're the asshole that cheated." He spits out his last sentence like venom, and you can't help but giggle at Hongjoong's distaste.
You give him a smile. "I know, you're right," you say before taking a sip of your drink and continuing your work on your laptop. However, Hongjoong's inquisitive gaze stays fixed on you. "You… seem to be taking this news well," he observes.
"Yeah, well, at this point it's kind of just another thing that's happened, you know? There's nothing I can do about it now other than move on. So, I'm moving on," you say with an indifferent shrug. He has a calculative look, like he's trying to figure out if you're being truthful or just putting on a front. After so many years, Hongjoong has a pretty good read on you. Sometimes (for the worse), you feel like he can literally see right through you, but you know his attentiveness is a blessing.
He lets out a hum of acknowledgement. "Okay, well, if you ever need to talk about it more, I'm here for you," he states, with a hint of concern seeping through his tone. You smile at him once again, grateful for his support.
"Of course, Joong. Thank you. Truthfully, though, I really feel okay. Yeah, it sucks, but I've already started moving on. I'm sure by the end of this week I won't pay it any mind." The corner of Hongjoong's mouth turns upward into a small half smile, and he gives you a nod of affirmation.
You continue your time together as regularly planned, doing work and engaging in your usual conversation and banter. Unbeknownst to you, Hongjoong's eyes keep drifting to you, his gaze full of warmth. He happily takes his opportunity to steal these glances while you're lost in focus. If you were to catch him, he'd probably just deflect and make a joke at your expense instead. He can't let you know what really rings true in his heart. Not yet. Not so soon.
. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁
As the week comes to a close, your statement in the coffee shop proves so far to be true. You don't linger on the fact that you were cheated on. You actually haven't even thought about your ex or the things they did to you for quite a while. You're rather productive with moving on, given how long you were together. Eventually, you just stopped thinking about it and went on with your life. You still aren't quite ready to start dating again, but you find yourself okay with seeing people casually and hooking up with them. This displeases Hongjoong, but you easily brush him off and laugh about how he's impossible to please. You don't understand Hongjoong's irritation, and he never elaborates when you ask. You think that it should be a good thing that you're beginning to put yourself back out there. Plus, it's nothing excessive, and you're being safe. You know he's coming from a place of care, but you don't think he needs to be so uptight about everything. Even after being best friends for years, there still seems to be some things the two of you will never quite see eye to eye on.
You met Hongjoong many years ago when you first started university. Both of you were in the same gen ed. class and got paired up as partners for a semester-long project. You've been friends ever since.
Truthfully, when the two of you first started becoming close friends, you had a major crush on him. Like, a big-time, head-over-heels, total crush on him. Of course, it only took you one look at him to realize how incredibly attractive he was, but it wasn't just his beauty that had you falling for him. You found his work ethic admirable, and there was a sparkle in his eyes when he talked about his passions. It was so enchanting. Immediately, you could tell he was a man that knew what he wanted, and who would stop at nothing to achieve his dreams. He's the type of person who makes you strive to become better. How could you not completely fall for him? Everything about him was so divine.
However, you were a different person back then, and you lacked the self-confidence you now have. Back then, you couldn't fathom a future where Hongjoong would ever be interested in you the same way you were interested in him. Just the thought of being rejected by someone as perfect as him and losing his presence forever scared you into silence. You were heartbroken, but you figured getting over him to stay friends was a million times better than taking the risk of admitting your feelings. So, that's exactly what you did. You found someone else you were interested in, fell in love with them, and continued being best friends with Hongjoong. The man you once almost considered to be your love became just a friend.
Of course, you still love Hongjoong; he's always in your corner as someone you can always rely on. And even having moved on from your crush, you still can't deny his looks. But times had changed, and it was different now. Even though there was a time when you dreamed of nothing more than being with Hongjoong, you hadn't dared entertain the idea ever since your ex entered the picture. You pushed those feelings for Hongjoong away to protect your friendship and focus on your ex (at least one of you was loyal).
After the breakup, you became so focused on yourself that you didn't even consider the idea of dating again. You didn't want to rush into another relationship with anyone. Despite doing better, it's hard to imagine a life of love after just losing it, and it's hard to imagine a life of trust after just being betrayed. Even though you now have that confidence you used to lack and the knowledge that you're a desirable person many people want and would be lucky to have, the thought of letting someone new in and committing yourself to them is petrifying. You still need more time.
. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁
After a dull day, you spend your evening alone in your cozy, little apartment. Dressed in your pajamas, you snuggle deeper into your couch as you scroll through your phone. You click through various social media apps, responding to messages and liking your friends' posts, until you see something that stops you in your tracks. A photo of your ex kissing the girl they cheated on you with. You stare blankly at the photo for a few moments before closing out of the app and turning your phone off completely.
Doesn't bother me any. I already knew they stayed together. It's none of my business anymore, you think to yourself as you turn on your TV as a distraction. Your eyes stay fixed on the screen, but your mind can't focus. You keep thinking back to that picture. How they looked so happy embracing one another, how they looked so in love, and so… remorseless.
You tap your foot pointedly on the ground before shutting off the TV and trudging to the kitchen. You pace back and forth while looking through your cabinets, trying to find something to make for dinner, but it's pointless. You can't focus on any ingredients in front of you, and you can't think clearly. All that's running through your mind is that picture and just how unfair it all was. A few months ago, if you saw that picture you would have immediately broken down into tears, but the sadness from the past mean nothing to you now, and all you feel is rage.
You storm out of your kitchen and back into the living room, grabbing your phone with the desperate hope to find a distraction from your thoughts and current emotional state. As you pick up your phone, you see a message from Hongjoong: » Is it cool if I come over? « You scoff to yourself. No shot. I'm totally not in the mood for company right now.
…
You text him back: » Sure «
You've always kept an open door policy for your friends, saying your space is theirs if they need it, and that you're always accepting unplanned visits. Hongjoong is no exception, and in fact, he's probably the one who comes over uninvited the most.
You assume he's probably already on the way over since asking, so there's no real point in saying no. You just need to play it cool until he leaves.
Not long after reading the text, you hear a knock at your door. You open it to find Hongjoong in an oversized hoodie and sweats, his hair down and fluffy, and two bags of takeout in his hands. "I figured you hadn't eaten dinner yet, so I brought some food for us," he says with his ':3' smile.
He's right, you haven't eaten yet. The knots in your stomach twist and tighten, wriggling around in anguish like they're in a hopeless attempt to escape. You're grateful that Hongjoong's so considerate, but you really don't think you can eat much in your current state. "Thanks, I appreciate it," you say with a small, forced smile as you let him in.
He makes himself at home in your apartment, stepping in and setting up the food in front of your TV. You stand by the entryway, vacantly watching him. Your mind is far from the present, you're deep in your own head, instead, trying to decipher and rationalize why you were so indignant and bothered by that photo.
You finally notice Hongjoong's worried gaze on you, snapping you back to reality. Your eyes fall behind him, where a now finished table is set up. So much for playing it cool. You shake your head to bring yourself back down to the real world, and force another smile as you make your way over to him.
"Thanks again for the food," you say as you grab the remote, desperately wanting some TV show on as background noise and a way to distract Hongjoong from your odd demeanor. "You were right, I hadn't eaten yet."
He chuckles a little and nudges you as he takes his seat next to you, "You have to start taking better care of yourself."
"You're one to talk," you remark, remembering many of his late nights working fueled by no food and only caffeine. "I think the pot is calling the kettle black, no?" You question him with an eyebrow raised.
He pouts and looks away in faux bashfulness as he picks up his chopsticks, ready to eat. "Yeah, yeah, okay, you got me there," he smiles in your direction. "We'll take care of each other then, alright?" You nod and genuinely smile in return.
Hongjoong's presence and kind words help ease the tension pent up in your body, but the fire building inside of you still rages on. Rationally, you know that ranting about it will help set your mind at ease, but for some reason you can't help but feel ashamed at the thought of bringing up your ex to Hongjoong again.
He's already listened to your troubles so much after your breakup. How would it be fair to continue bringing them up, especially since your really thought you moved on more than this? Truly, before you came across this photo, you had been doing so good. You know progress isn't linear, but you can't help but feel shame in your reaction, and really don't want Hongjoong, a friend you revere so deeply, seeing you in such a vulnerable state.
You stare blankly at the TV and your food, only taking a few bites here and there when you think you can. Primarily, though, you're just pushing it around your plate. Lost in your racing thoughts, you forget about Hongjoong, who's quietly eating next to you.
"[Y/N]," Hongjoong states, staring in your direction. "Talk to me. What's going on up there?"
Your eyebrows raise in surprise at his voice. "Oh, you know. It's just been a kind of quiet night for me. Nothing really wrong," you say awkwardly. He gives you an unimpressed stare, as if to say, "Really?"
"C'mon, I'm serious. You haven't been acting like yourself all night." Oops. You've been caught. Really, you don't know who you were trying to fool. This is Hongjoong you're dealing with; he's perceptive. He can spot the smallest indicators that something's off with you. You do make it easy for him this time, though, since you're seriously bad at playing it cool.
You huff at his observation and let your shoulders sink in on themselves. Why does he have to be so good at that? You pout, continuing to childishly complain in your head. What is he even doing here? He typically gets ahead on work tonight.
"Seriously," he continues, " I know what's going on. Let me bear some of the weight." You scoff inside your head at his persistence, but then the realization dawns on you. You raise your gaze and look up at him.
"You saw the picture too?" You ask him softly. A deep sigh leaves his nose, and he averts his gaze towards the pictures on your wall.
"Yeah, I did." He flicks his eyes back on to you, shrugging one of his shoulders as he says, "I figured you did too, and I was worried about you. Figured you wouldn't want to be alone."
It's quiet for a beat, neither of you breaking the fragile moment. The only sound in the room comes from the sitcom quietly playing on the TV, but even that becomes nothing but a murmur under your shared silence.
You take a breath, small but loud enough to grab Hongjoong's attention. "Thanks," you say softly, barely above a whisper.
"Don't mention it," he replies, equally as soft. The stillness of the moment returns to you, the silence palpable. You know you need to give Hongjoong an explanation, but forming the words feels so difficult. Even if you wanted to, your tongue feels impossible to move, like it weighs a hundred pounds in your mouth. It's just your fear getting to you, you know that, but you need to be brave. Hongjoong is kind enough to go out of his way for you and offer himself as a shoulder to lean on. You urge yourself to say something to him, to not be scared of being vulnerable and taking him up on his offer to listen. Accepting his help doesn't make you a burden to him.
"I'm not sad, by the way," you say to him, breaking the stiff silence between you. You look up from your hands and into Hongjoong's already awaiting eyes. "Well, at least not in the way you might think I am. In fact," you turn your head slightly, unable to bear the weight of looking at him any longer, "I'm actually really, really fucking pissed." Your voice wavers as you finish your sentence.
In all your years of friendship, you think you've only cried in front of Hongjoong maybe once. You typically don't cry in front of other people, opting instead to deal with those emotions by yourself. You prefer to be the type of person others can rely on, keeping your visible emotions light and easy to charm and brighten people's days. Being vulnerable like this in front of Hongjoong is so far out of your comfort zone and possibly one of the scariest things you've done.
"I just… I think I'm nice. I'm soft.. I'm actually a total romantic, believe it or not, and… I don't know… I just get the short end of the stick it seems." You briefly glance over at Hongjoong to read his facial expression. He looks at you intently, waiting patiently for you to continue. "I mean, seeing that photo earlier just really pissed me off because… like… It just.. Ugh!" You take a deep breath— frustrated by not being able to find the right words— and try to redirect your thoughts.
The words still aren't coming to you. You're already upset at the situation, scared and uncomfortable from having to talk about it, and now you're frustrated at yourself for not finding the correct words to convey the thoughts in your head. You can feel yourself beginning to spiral.
Hongjoong, astute as ever, notices as well and reaches his hand out to yours. He's able to ground you and successfully stop you from messing with your fingers, something you had unknowingly been doing as you began your descent. You look down at where his hand sits on top of yours before looking up at Hongjoong's steady face. You look back down at your entwined hands. He gives a soft, supportive squeeze to your hand, urging you to continue.
"They just— they can just go about their lives. Happy and in love with each other. And they can just do that and face absolutely no consequences for what they've done to me. Absolutely none, while I'm stuck here working on myself for who knows how long, rebuilding all the parts of me they made unstable! But they just get to go on with their lives as if nothing happened. As if they didn't do what they did. Meanwhile, I have to go about my life ignoring all the thoughts telling me I'm not enough! They're the reason those thoughts are even there to begin with, but they'll never have to deal with that distress. I do, though! Even when I think I'm doing good, some shit like this will happen and it's like all that work i did on myself was for nothing. Those thoughts come back, and it's like I'm back where I started,
"I've been cheated on time and time again, and I don't know why. Maybe there's something wrong with me, or maybe I just pick all the wrong people, but goddammit, I put my everything in my relationships." You feel tears starting to roll down your face, and your throat gets tighter, making it more difficult to speak. "I just," you start quietly, "I'm furious. I don't deserve to be treated this way. I know I don't. I deserve to be loved. And I know this kind of love exists in the world because it lives within me, but I've never been on the receiving end of it! That's just so unfair. If I can't be loved, then I deserve to be respected at the very least…" You trail off, your voice softer than it was when you started.
You focus again on your hand in Hongjoong's, watching his thumb caress your skin. Slowly, you lift your head and take in Hongjoong's expression. His mouth is painted in a deep frown, and his eyes are painfully sad, almost as if he's holding back tears of his own. Somewhere deep inside you, a wall crumbles. "I just don't get it," you say, your voice breaking as more tears fall.
Immediately, he reaches out and pulls you into him, one arm cradling your head while the other wraps protectively around your back. Neither of you are particularly touchy people, but this comforting position— this moment— feels so warm to you. Against Hongjoong's chest, every protective barrier inside you crumbles and breaks. You cry harder, his shirt muffling the sound as he holds you tighter, trying to soothe your shaking body. "I'm so fucking angry," you reiterate in that same pitiful, broken voice that made Hongjoong want to hold you.
"Shhh.. I know," he says calmly, petting his hand soothingly across your hair. "You never deserved what happened to you." You continue to sob at his kind words. "There's nothing wrong with you either. Your exes are low-life, evil pieces of scum for doing the things they did to you, and you're so strong for being able to overcome it all." Another sob trembles through your body, and your arms tighten around Hongjoong's back, attempting to become impossibly closer to your best friend and only source of comfort right now.
"You're right, too," he continues as he places his chin on top of your head. "You do deserve to be treated better and loved. You deserve to be loved and valued for all of eternity." His voice gets softer. "You deserve someone who will cherish and adore you, someone who will give you the whole world and more. Someone who will provide anything you wish." You take a few deep, uneven breaths, trying to steady your breathing from the crying. Hongjoong is still holding you as close as he possibly can. "I mean it," he whispers, "I truly do."
You stay in your positions for minutes or hours. You're not sure, time seems to pass slower in Hongjoong's arms. Throughout it all, Hongjoong occasionally gives you more words of comfort or a grounding, "I'm here."
Eventually, enough time passes for you to stop the tears and steady your body. Now, you find yourself worrying that staying in his arms oversteps boundaries. You know Hongjoong isn't very physically affectionate, and for the most part, you aren't either (the only time you feel comfortable initiating physical affection is with romantic partners). It dawns on you how out of character it was for him to initiate contact, and you start to push back. As you lean up to sit on your own, Hongjoong's arms loosen around you. You see the giant wet spot you left on Hongjoong's hoodie and cringe. "I'm sorry about that," you hoarsely mumble out, nodding your head in the direction of the spot on his chest.
He looks down and lets out a tiny chuckle. "You have nothing to apologize for." Still a bit embarrassed about your breakdown, you timidly peek up at his face. His eyes are so full of comfort and warmth. He looks at you with nothing but care and adoration. There's something unfamiliar deep within his gaze, but you don't dwell on it. Instead, you want to spend your last bout of energy focused on the present with your friend.
"Thank you, Hongjoong, for being here. Truly, I mean it. I don't know what I'd do without you."
"Oh, you wouldn't last a day," he jokes. You lightly giggle along with him, thankful for the lighthearted mood. Conversation the rest of the evening is sparse, but relaxed. You're mainly just talking about the strange subplot of the show you're finally able to pay attention to. The air isn't tense like before; it'scomfortable and quiet. Hongjoong's presence puts you at ease, and the remainder of your night with him alleviates all your prior negative emotions.
⋆.˚ ☾⭒.˚
In the following weeks, you were met with a lot of progress. You block your ex and the girl they cheated on you with on all social media, ensuring that nothing else they post will make its way back to you, and effectively wiping them from your radar. You spend your time focusing on yourself and your friends— even more than before. Being with people you love and who love you brings support and tranquility into your sphere, and they help immensely to remind you that you're valued enough as a person. You don't need a rotten partner to feel like you're worthy of love and respect; you know it already in your heart, and it is reflected in the hearts of those you hold close. When you aren't with your friends, you spend your time engaging in your hobbies and picking up new ones, like journaling to help on days with bad thoughts. Creativity flows through you far more than before, and you feel as though you've finally gotten a piece of your old spark back. Some days are harder than others, but overall, each day is easier than the last.
Along with progress, you were also met with a lot of Hongjoong. The two of you already spend tons of time together, but since that night it feels like you can't get a break from him! Of course, you mean that lightheartedly. You're undoubtedly appreciative of his support and his company, but you're also starting to get a little concerned. You assume that since Hongjoong's never seen you in such a vulnerable and broken state before, he's just extra cautious and worried about you. Even still, it's been almost a month since that night, and he's just as attentive. It's very curious.
Not long after returning home from work late one evening, you hear a knock on your apartment door. It's Hongjoong, no doubt. "It's open!" you yell from your bedroom as you change out of your work attire and into something more comfortable. The door clicks open, and you hear Hongjoong shout out a greeting. Coming out of your room, you see him still standing near the entryway, clumsily rocking back and forth on his feet with his hands behind his back. He looks at you with bright eyes and a small pout on his face.
"Hey, you look nice," he says to you, briefly taking in your appearance. You tilt your head to the side, slightly puzzled by his out-of-the-blue compliment and restless demeanor. You hesitantly thank him for the compliment before he adds, "You should grab your coat."
"And why should I do that?" you ask, skeptical about what he's planning.
"It's a really beautiful night tonight. You always talk about wanting to go stargazing, and I found a good spot for it not far from here. So, I thought we could go for a walk and go check it out," he replies with a smile. Warmth blossoms in your chest as you think back to the last time you mentioned wanting to go stargazing. It's probably been at least a year ago since you had brought that up around anybody, and it was likely an off-handed comment too.
"You remembered I like to stargaze and that I had been wanting to go?" you incredulously ask him.
"Yeah, of course I did," he casually replies. He says it as if it's the most obvious fact about you he could've remembered. He said it like it was remembering your birthday or what you do for work, not like it was an off-handed comment you said forever ago.
Fully processing processing Hongjoong's words and what you're about to do, excitement overcomes your body. You burst into the brightest smile, and eagerness runs through your veins. "Wait right there!" you shout out to Hongjoong before bouncing off to your room to grab a jacket and your shoes. Hongjoong is left giggling at your evident excitement. You hurry back to him, now wearing the appropriate outerwear for a late-night walk. "C'mon, what are you waiting for? Let's go, let's go!" You impatiently usher him out the door, and he continues to watch you in amusement, chuckling at your giddiness.
The night air is chilly, but not harsh. How could it be with so much excitement in the air and Hongjoong walking so close to you? His hand brushes against yours a couple of times, but neither of you cares to move further away. On your walk, you talk animatedly about anything that comes to your mind, and he willingly takes the role of main listener. He adds to the conversation occasionally, but he primarily just leads the way and allows you to talk as much as you wanted. Caught up in the high-spirited moment and your chatter, you don't notice how often Hongjoong glances over at you with that small, kind grin on his face. You don't see how he looks at you like you hung the very stars you were about to gaze at.
You arrive at a rather large park you've never been to before, and Hongjoong guides you deeper through it until you reach a large, open field with a few tall trees and no light pollution.
"Wow, Hongjoong, this is amazing!" you exclaim, taking a seat on the grass beneath you. You both lean back on the ground, the sides of your heads touching slightly as you look up towards the night sky. The stars gleam and sparkle; they're brighter than you could've ever imagined them. The two of you alternate between taking in the night sky in quiet contemplation and talking about the beauty above you. He asks you to point out the constellations you know, and you show him by taking his pointed hand in yours and tracing them in the night sky. He asks about your favorite constellations and the stories behind them, while you ask if he sees any shapes in the sky and what stories he'd give them. The conversation between you flows so easily— just as it always did— but this moment feels so much more tender than normal.
"This is perfect," you softly tell him after another hushed moment.
"You know," he says with a hint of uncertainty in his voice, "we can do things like this all the time."
You turn your head to the side to get a better look at his face. "Yeah, I know," you respond as if it's the most obvious thing in the world.
"No, I mean," his eyes dart away from yours as a pout starts to take form on his mouth. "I mean, we can do things like this all the time.. together. The two of us."
"Yeah, of course we can," you giggle at him. Hongjoong groans next to you, bringing his hands up to cover his eyes in frustration. His reaction slows your laughter. "Hongjoong, what's going on?" you ask, intrigued by what's getting your friend so worked up.
"I'm no good at this," he says, his words muffled from behind his hands. Your eyebrow raises at his statement, but before you could question him any further, he shoots up from his lying position and into a sitting one. He looks down at your face, and you can see the conflict and frustration evident on his facial features. The longer he looks at your face, however, you see the pained expressions fade out into ones of… adoration? He lets out a puff of air from his nose— the sound resembling one of affection.
Possibly more to himself than to you, he whispers, "The stars are dancing in your eyes." Your breath hitches. "I could look at them forever."
"Hongjoong…"
"Look, [Y/N], I know you've been through so much recently, and I don't want to make you uncomfortable, but I have to let you know how I feel." You slowly sit up, intrigued yet slightly worried by your friend's strange behavior. You tilt your head to the side, silently allowing him to continue at his own pace. He takes a breath and looks deep into your eyes. "I'm… I'm in love with you."
You stop breathing, and your brain begins to short circuit. "What?" you hoarsely whisper to him, not believing you actually heard what he said.
"I'm in love with you. Desperately. I have been for a long time." You look at his face, searching for any hint of deception, but you find none. It's too dark outside to really tell, but you're certain his cheeks and ears are red.
"You… You're serious," you state, still skeptical, but you know Hongjoong would never joke about such a thing. Definitely not like this.
"I am. And I know you're not looking for a relationship right now, but I just couldn't hold it in anymore," he replies, desperation seeping through his tone.
You remain speechless for another beat, letting silence take over the moment before asking, "What changed?" You're not upset at the confession— not at all— it's just so unexpected, and you're so confused. You never once considered a timeline where Kim Hongjoong would be interested in you. You can't understand where he's coming from, or how this all happened.
He sighs deeply and turns his head to the side, looking off in the distance. "That night.. I don't want to ever see you that way again: so upset and broken."
"Hongjoong, if that's the only reason-"
"But it isn't!" he interrupts, correctly anticipating where your train of thought would take you. "I've been in love with you for almost as long as I've known you. I'm not the best with my feelings— you know this— so it took me a little while to realize it. By the time I did, you had already found someone else. Even if you hadn't, I probably still wouldn't have said anything right away." You rack your brain, going through years' worth of memories with Hongjoong. You try to imagine and accept that Hongjoong has been in love with you through all of them. It feels unreal.
"That night," he continues, "holding you while hearing about how you have to remind yourself that you're enough because of what that asshole did to you, it broke my heart. Especially because I cherish you more than anything, and I know I would never do anything to hurt you. Never do anything to make you feel less than what you are. Actually, I truly don't understand how anyone could look at you and not feel blessed that you're in their life. That breaks my heart, and I can't go on without you knowing how special you are to me."
You inhale sharply at his words. "Hongjoong, I…" You take a second, trying your best to look over his face in the moonlight. Your thoughts race, your heart pounds, and your chest tightens. You don't know what to say to him. Not trusting your mind to come up with an answer, you listen to your body instead, and you feel as though you're about to enter fight or flight. The thought of getting into a new relationship… it scares you and feels suffocating. You're not against the idea of being with Hongjoong, but you have to put yourself first. "I don't want to say no to you, but I'm still scared," you whisper out.
He reaches out his hand and grabs yours. "I know, and I don't want to rush anything or make you uncomfortable. All I ask is that you give me the chance to show you that I'm serious. Let me prove to you that I truly love you and that you can trust me with your heart." You look at him curiously. All you see in his face is sincerity. "I'll go at your pace, and I can wait for as long as you need. Or, with one word from you, I'll stop. I know it's a bit selfish of me to confess while you're not ready for anything, but I want to show you how much I value you and that my love for you is genuine."
You think for a moment, and, despite your scattered state of mind, you find yourself reaching a decision quicker than expected. You nod. "Yeah, okay. You can do that." You see a toothy smile as a wave of relief washes over his face. He looks cute like this.
"I promise, I'll be someone you can wholeheartedly trust."
⋆.˚ ☾⭒.˚
That night, you don't sleep much. You lose yourself in your jumbled thoughts while you continuously toss and turn in your sheets. Still in disbelief, you almost convince yourself that you made up the entire exchange. You find yourself thinking back to all of the things that happened throughout the years: all of the times Hongjoong had been with you, all of the times his interest might've shone through, all of the times your ex had treated you poorly. You think back to when you still had an active crush on Hongjoong, which felt like lifetimes ago. You're a completely different person now, but could that previous version of yourself who was head over heels for Hongjoong still be living deep inside you? Is it even possible to return to those feelings? You don't know, and you're really just stressing yourself out by thinking about it.
The following day is your weekly coffee shop meetup with Hongjoong. You worry all day about what to expect, unsure of what your dynamic would be like now and what Hongjoong really meant by 'showing you he cares'.
Upon your arrival at your usual coffee shop, you see that Hongjoong's already sitting at your favorite table. In front of him are two coffee cups.
"Hey," he smiles up at you. "I got you your usual." It's not uncommon for him to occasionally get your drink for you if he arrives early, but it still brings a smile to your face.
"Thank you," you say with a smile as you take your seat across from him. You set up your laptop and start on the work you need to get done. So far, everything seems normal. You began to think you were worried for no reason; maybe everything will just pass over like nothing happened. As that thought crosses your mind,however, you find yourself uneased by the possibility of that being the case. You're not quite sure what you want yet or what to expect going forward, and you find that to be relatively troublesome.
As you stare off into your laptop screen with your thoughts running wild, a small sensation brings you back down to earth. You feel Hongjoong's leg slot between yours under the table; your ankle and calf are now lightly pressed by his. You shoot your head up to look at him, only to see bright red cheeks, a large pout, and his eyes glued to his notebook, desperately trying to avoid your gaze.
You gape slightly at him, studying his expression and actions in awe. Even though it's a small gesture done in his Hongjoong-like way (a way you honestly prefer), he's still initiating physical contact with you. Hongjoong never does that for the sole purpose of just doing it. The thought of Hongjoong reaching out to touch someone just for the comfort of touching is unheard of, and yet here he is doing it.
"You're really serious about this, aren't you?" you state— more so than ask— after gaping at him for a beat too long.
He finally looks up at you as he replies, "Yeah, I am." His cheeks are still so red, it almost makes you want to giggle. It's obvious he's out of his comfort zone but genuinely trying to make an effort.
You smile softly at him. "You know, you don't have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable."
"Don't worry," he smirks, determination in his eyes, "I don't do anything I don't want to." A second passes before his face molds into something more sincere. "If I did anything to make you uncomfortable, though, you'd tell me, right?"
"Of course I would," you respond. You're grateful that Hongjoong makes sure you are okay, but there is honestly very little he could do that would make you uneasy.
"Good," he says, bringing his attention back to his work. As he does so, you feel his leg press more confidently against yours, the sensation from the touch more prominent than before. "I meant every word that I said last night," he says, still looking down at his notebook. "As soon as you're ready to open your heart up again," he looks up and locks eyes with you, "I want it to be for me. Nobody else." The look in his eyes, a mix of adoration and determination, makes you want to shiver. You know Hongjoong is the type of person to work hard and make his dreams a reality, but you never expected to be part of those dreams.
. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁
The initial hurdle of believing Hongjoong is in love with you is the hardest part, then getting used to his affections quickly follows. You worried about how different it would be between you two, but you find that not too much has changed. It's still just you and Hongjoong— like it always had been— but now it's… more.
As the weeks go on, you become the sole recipient of Hongjoong's affections. His pursuit of physical touch increases tenfold, always seeking out some part of you to touch. He does it all: brushing your hands, pressing his limbs against yours, throwing an arm around your shoulders, or tucking a stray piece of hair behind your ear. You notice he compliments you far more frequently than he ever did before. He's always you how nice and pretty you look, how kind you are, and how he's glad he can spend his time with you.
For a while, you feel bad that you're not returning any of his affections, but after bringing it up to him, all he says is that you can take as much time as you need, and that loving you isn't a matter of transaction. Of course, he would certainly like it if you reciprocated, but he knows it's still difficult for you after your last relationship. You aren't sure if you can ever match Hongjoong's love in the same way, or if you'd ever be able to return to that crush you once had on him. That's what worries you most. The last thing you want to do is break your best friend's heart, but the thought of loving again seems so distant. You love so much, you love with everything in you, and all you've gotten is contempt in return. Loving someone again, even someone like Hongjoong, who you know is good, just seems impossible.
Or that's what you thought. As the weeks turn to months, and Hongjoong's love for you never faltering, you begin to notice changes in yourself. You begin to put a bit more effort into your appearance on days you know you'll see Hongjoong, and you feel your cheeks flush whenever he compliments you. While his touch used to have you tense up with surprise, you now find yourself seeking it out, leaning into it, and feeling cold when it's not there. What really gets you is his little surprises.
One day while at work, a delivery comes for you: a large bouquet of pink 'stargazer' lilies. Your favorite flowers. On the bouquet, a note reads, "I couldn't stop thinking about you today, so I figured I'd send you a little something. HJ ♡"
Your heart flutters in your chest and your cheeks burn red. All day your coworkers ooh and aah at your bouquet, gushing about how pretty it is and how they wish their husbands or boyfriends would do the same. They ask questions about who sent them and what he looks like, and they fuss over how handsome he is and how good you look together when you show them a picture. Their comments leave you more flustered and redthan you already are. When they ask how long you have been together, you're unsure how to answer. You end up just telling them how many years you've known each other, and they say how lucky you are to be with someone who still puts in the effort after such a long time. Their comments get you thinking about your time with Hongjoong and what the future would be like. You honestly can't imagine a future without Hongjoong in it. In fact, it sounds like a life of misery without him. You know you want Hongjoong by your side for the rest of time, but now you're starting to open up to another way for that to happen.
You leave work that day with a text message to Hongjoong saying: »You were a hot topic at work today«
He responds quickly: »So you liked the flowers?«
»I loved them«
More weeks go by, and your attraction only becomes more present in your mind. You constantly find yourself daydreaming about his smile, his hand on yours, the way his tattoo peaks out from behind the sleeves of his shirts. Since you're still unsure of what you want, you try to keep your own flirtations to a minimum, but you wonder if Hongjoong has caught on to your growing feelings for him. Even still, Hongjoong's devotion to you never wavers.
This evening, you're preparing to go to Hongjoong's apartment for dinner. He asked you a few days prior if you would come over, and after agreeing you asked, "Is this romantic Hongjoong asking or friend Hongjoong?" He only looked at you with a smirk before responding, "They're the same thing."
You were supposed to head over to his right after work, but instead you take a detour to your apartment first to change clothes and freshen up. Hongjoong has seen you in your after-work state a million times before, but you figure if he's putting in the effort to make you a nice dinner then you could put in the effort to show up looking a bit nicer than normal.
You arrive to his apartment soon after, and you feel butterflies in your stomach as you knock on the door. Strange, that hasn't happened in a long time.
You smooth you hands over the front of your clothes and run your fingers through your hair, wanting to make sure you look presentable before Hongjoong lets you in. Right as you fluff your hair, Hongjoong opens the door with a smile on his face that immediately drops at the sight of you. "Oh, you look so pretty," he says to you quietly as his eyes roam over your form. You feel heat rise to your face under his warm gaze and at his sweet words.
"Thank you," you quietly respond as he lets you in. Since when did you become so bashful around him??
Upon entry, you're immediately hit by the delicious smell of food cooking in the kitchen. Warm-toned lamps light up the apartment, and music plays softly from the record player in the living room.
"What are you making?" you ask, leaning across the kitchen counter as Hongjoong gets back to working on the food.
"Doenjang-jjigae," he replies, focusing his attention on the food in front of him. He's making one of your favorite meals. You smile to yourself at his thoughtfulness.
"Do you need any help?" you ask, wanting to make yourself useful. He looks at you incredulously.
"Not at all. You keeping me company is enough, so just sit back and let me take care of you," he says with a wink.
"How chivalrous of you," you tease, masking the fact that you actually feel very touched by his words and efforts.
He lightly exhales a laugh. "I've been told a time or two that I can be quite the gentleman."
You narrowly cut your eyes at him. "Oh, yeah? By who?" He turns his head to the side to get a better look at you, still stirring the ingredients in front of him. He has a cocky look on his face that makes you want to roll your eyes. Or kiss it clean off. You're not sure.
"Do my ears deceive me, or is that jealousy in your tone, [Y/N]?" He looks far too proud of himself.
"It's your ears," you swiftly respond. He chuckles lightly at you.
"I'm not too sure about that," he taunts. You pout at his words, and Hongjoong spares you a look before letting out a full laugh. "Awh, there's no need to sulk," he teases as your pout grows deeper. "If it makes you feel any better, I get jealous too."
"Yeah, of course you do. You're a Scorpio," you state as if it's obvious. He simply chuckles in response and says something along the lines of, "You got me there."
As the room settles and the sound of chopping and food bubbling fills the space, you decide to ask him a question that has been plaguing your mind since he confessed. "Hey, Hongjoong?" He hums in response, focusing on the final touches of dinner. "When you said you had been in love with me for a long time… just when did you realize it?"
He pauses for a moment to think before continuing his work. "Since the end of our first year in college. I realized about two or three months before you started seeing your ex, but truthfully, looking back, I had started falling by the end of that first semester."
"Huh, so same time as me then," you murmur, mainly to yourself, but it's still loud enough for Hongjoong to catch what you said. His body stills, and he whips his head towards you.
"What?" he asks, his eyes wide.
"Oh," you tilt your head at him, "I guess I never told you. I used to have a massive crush on you back in the day." For a moment, he doesn't say anything; he just blinks at you with his mouth slightly ajar.
"What?" he asks again. "What happened?" He turns to face you fully, dinner forgotten behind him.
"Don't worry, it wasn't because of anything you did or didn't do. It was all me. I was just a completely different person back then, and I couldn't see a future where someone like you would be interested in being with someone like me."
"What do you mean by that? Someone like me?" His tone sounds puzzled and faintly anxious.
You give him a slight smile, hoping to ease his worries somewhat, and move further into the kitchen to help plate the food he had forgotten about in favor of you. "It's just," you begin, a small sigh escaping your lips as you scoop the stew in front of you, "I didn't think highly of myself then. I've lived hundreds of lifetimes between then and now, and the me today knows my value and worth. But, back then, I…" you still for a moment, trying to find the right words. You don't know how to convey to Hongjoong that you used to think of yourself as simple, inconsequential, ugly. At least not in a way that wouldn't absolutely break his heart. "I just didn't at the time."
You feel Hongjoong's presence as he steps closer towards you. "And you were…" You turn to look him in the eye, but you're now much closer than anticipated— only a few inches separated your faces. "You were unreachable," you say gently, a dreamy whisp in your voice. "I know I tease you for saying this all the time, but truthfully there really is no one like you, Hongjoong." You hear his breath hitch from where you stand, and his eyes look deep and unreadable. "And at the time I just couldn't picture it," you shrug. "Someone as radiant as you choosing to be with someone as insignificant as me." Upon hearing your words, sorrow begins to take place in Hongjoong's features. You continue in hopes of reassuring him, "But that was the old me. I'm different now. Better."
Hongjoong takes another step towards you, further closing the gap between you two. He's so close you can feel his body heat radiating off of him. Your heartbeat quickens when he looks down at your lips before landing his eyes back on yours. "I know you're a different person now, but even still… Do you think you'll ever have those feelings you used to have for me again?" he asks quietly, as if one wrong noise would break the moment entirely. Thoughts race through your mind, your face is flushed, and you feel every word you could possibly say to him get stuck in the center of your throat. Not trusting yourself enough to speak, you look up at him through your eyelashes and nod instead. He smiles at that. It's a genuine smile: a bit lopsided, showing the sharpness of his teeth. You can't help but think how attractive he looks like that.
"Good," he says to you as softly as before. "because I don't want you looking at anybody else. Only me." He smiles down at you for another moment before turning to grab the dishes and set the table.
Only as he starts walking away do you feel like you can breathe normally again. "I guess that's the jealousy you mentioned earlier," you jokingly comment as you follow him to the table, hoping it'll help cut the tension that now runs rampant throughout the apartment.
"Mhm," he hums in response as he set the plates down. He pulls a lighter out of his pocket to light some candles he laid out before your arrival. Alongside the candles is a small vase that holds a few stems of flowers.
"Wow. Romantic," you state, standing next to Hongjoong as you admire his work.
"Heh, I know, right?" he replies, pride seeping out of his voice and stance. His conviction and self-confidence are endearing to see in action. So much so, you giggle to yourself and smile behind your hand. He gives you one quick look before pulling out the chair for you to sit down.
You eye him as you take your seat. "There really is no end to your doting, is there?" you say lightheartedly. You tease him, but you're actually the furthest thing from annoyed.
"Of course there isn't," he replies while taking his own seat. "Why should there be?" You don't have a good response for him, so he continues to sit there— proud and smug.
Hongjoong's meal is absolutely delicious, and it's evident he put a lot of effort into making it. Conversation during dinner is ceaseless, easy, and indisputably flirtatious. When you finish eating, Hongjoong swiftly takes the plates to the kitchen before coming back to the table with a bottle of wine and a surprise dessert he made. It seems he's pulling out all the stops this evening.
"Hongjoong," you say after taking a sip of wine, "there's something else I've been curious about."
"And what would that be?"
You toy with the fork in front of you and look at Hongjoong flirtatiously through your eyelashes. "What was it about me that caused you to fall for me?"
He huffs out a breath of endearment. "What, still can't believe that I'm in love with you, so now you need specifics?" His tone is light and unserious, but there's an air of genuine concern in the question.
"No, I believe it. Like I said, I'm simply curious," you reply with a small smile. You stare down at your dessert, trying to avoid Hongjoong's knowing gaze. You say, now quiet and earnestly, "I would just like to hear you say what."
"Well, it was a culmination of things, really," he begins, taking your hand into his from across the table. "Like how kind and sweet you are, how caring you are, how you make me laugh." He runs his thumb across your hand, and his eyes are open and honest as he looks into yours. Even if his words aren't enough for you, his eyes tell you everything you need to hear. "I love how you show up for the people around you, and how you light up every room you're in." At this point, you start becoming bashful. You know you were the one to ask, but being the absolute center of Hongjoong's attention and hearing everything about you he adores is almost too much. His loving words and devoted gaze, are something so unfamiliar to you. You're not used to warmth like this.
"That's what made me fall, but every day since then, I've fallen for you more and more," he continues. "Seeing you grow, face hardships with care and grace, and still hold so much love in your heart, that just made me fall further."
You turn your face away, unable to bear the weight of his stare any longer. "Hongjoong…"
"I love how you feel so deeply. Not just for yourself, either, but for everyone around you, too. You have so many of the qualities I lack, and I think that's beautiful. You're like a star in the night sky leading me home."
Your face is warm and surely pink all over. You glance over to Hongjoong, who's still looking at you with that tender expression. "Hongjoong, please…" He lets out a laugh at your reaction.
"What? I thought you wanted to know," he jokes as you pout at him, your face still just as rosy. "I haven't even gotten to tell you how beautiful you are! How I get lost in your eyes, or how your lips pull me in-"
"Okay!" you interrupt, one hand covering your flaming red face while the other stays in Hongjoong's grasp. "You can't just say things like that.." you mutter, now unable to take much more of his compliments.
He laughs loudly at your reaction, gripping your hand tighter. "Really, though, you're someone I've always admired and respected, and you've always been by my side. How could I not have fallen madly in love with you?"
. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁
Your evening with Hongjoong continued with tensions that ran high, but you didn't end up acting on anything. You certainly wanted to, but you still held some reservations in your heart and mind. You're certain you've fallen for him again, but you're worried that you still can't give him as much as he deserves quite yet. You want to be completely sure and confident in your love for him— and yourself— before opening your heart to him and letting him in.
You honestly aren't sure when you will be ready. You aren't sure where the natural turning point in your relationship with Hongjoong is or if anything would change. In your previous relationships, everything changed for the worse after becoming official, and the thought of that happening again with Hongjoong worries you. On top of that, you had become used to his doting, and you fear you wouldn't be able to do the same for him yet. Not the the same extent, at least. Not while you're still hindered with fears from your poor previous relationship.
But you decided to put the thought of it all off for now. A mutual friend of yours and Hongjoong's invited you both to a movie night at their apartment, and you figured you could wait until after then to figure your feelings out.
Their apartment wasn't far from yours, so you decided to walk and meet up with Hongjoong there. The affair was lively, bright, and loud, with many of your mutual friends littering the apartment space. There aren't too many people in the apartment, but just enough for mutliple different groups of conversation and activities to form. Even still, Hongjoong spends a majority of his time extra close to your side.
The two of you converse with your friend, Jongho, and his plus one until Hongjoong gets called into the other room.
"You want anything while I'm gone?" he asks you before he leaves.
"No, I'm okay right now," you respond. His eyes stayed glued to you for a moment longer before giving you a small smile and nod then walks away to the other room.
You bring your attention back to awaiting eyes. Jongho's friend has a sweet smile on her face, while Jongho has one that is knowing and mischevious. "You and your boyfriend are really cute together," she says to you.
"Thank you," you quietly respond at the same time Jongho says, "Oh, they aren't dating."
He gapes at you with an incredulous look, and you quickly work to recover before you become victim to Jongho's teasing.
"Jongho's right; we technically aren't dating."
"Technically?!" he questions, his eyebrows raising and a smirk making permenant home on his face.
"Yeah, technically!" you defend. "He confessed to me a while ago and has sort of been… courting me until I'm ready to date again."
"Wow," he starts. "I never thought Hongjoong would actually be able to do it."
You tilt your head up at him. "You mean you've known this whole time?"
"[Y/N], he didn't have to explicitly say it for any of us to know. He makes it extremely obvious."
You think back to how all of your friends would act around you and Hongjoong in the past. Just how long have you been clueless??
"So," Jongho says, bringing your attention back down to Earth, "When are you two going to start dating for real?"
You shrug your shoulders. "Whenever I feel comfortable being in a relationship again, I guess."
"You guys are basically dating now, why string it out and lead him on?" Jongho asks casually.
"I am not leading him on!" He gives you an unimpressed stare before looking towards his friend with an expression that seems to sarcastically say, "Yeah, right."
"I'm serious, I'm not leading him on any. I'm just still not ready to offically date again after last time. I was in a really long relationship, that takes time!" you attempt to justify.
"Yeah, a long shitty relationship. Seriously, what's the hold up?" The look on his face is casual and slightly playful, but his eyes show genuine concern.
You look away before cautiously replying, "I guess I'm just a little worried to fully trust someone again."
"Are you serious? This is Hongjoong we're talking about. When has anyone not been able to completely trust him?"
Jongho's question rings in your ears and echoes in your head long after the conversation is over. He's right. You've never not trusted Hongjoong before. He's one of the most trustworthy people you know, if not the most trustworthy. He's never given you any reason to not trust him. A title change won't make any difference.
Before the movie officially starts, you go to the kitchen to grab drinks and snacks for you and Hongjoong, while he secures your spots on the couch. As you walk back into the living room, you can't help but laught at the scene in front of you— Hongjoong is sits at the end cushion of the couch with a large pout on his face, and your mutual friend, Yunho, sits flushed up against him with a large smile on his lips. Yunho takes a look at you, then Hongjoong, before trying to cuddle up even closer to him.Hongjoong leans impossibly further into the arm of the couch and tries to push Yunho away. There's no doubt he's doing this because Hongjoong has been more obvious about his feelings for you tonight, and you can only imagine how much teasing he's been subjected to before now. Seriously, just how clueless have you been??
Yunho eases his teasing as you walk closer to the couch. Hongjoong looks up at you with that grimace he saves for when his friends get on his nerves, but Yunho still looks like a puppy dog sprawled across his owner's lap.
You're certain he wanted to sit next to you and not Yunho, and that's probably half of the reason for the pout on his lips. You give him a smile in return and hand him his drink before grabbing a blanket and choosing to sit on the floor in front of him instead, your back now pressed against the couch and between Hongjoong's legs.
The rest of your friends settle in on the remaining spaces available on the couch, chairs, and floor before the lights turn off and the movie starts. Shortly after the film begins, you feel Hongjoong's hands in your hair. At first, you think he's trying to get your attention, until you realize that he's simply keeping his hands busy. His fingers rake through your strands rhythmically, occasionally making small braids before letting them loose and raking through them again. The motions sent a wave of calm over you as you lean further into his touch. The longer he plays with your hair, the more tranquil you become, and, eventually you feel your head and eyelids growing heavy. Giving in, you tilt your head to rest it upon Hongjoong's leg beside you, and you let the serenity overtake you.
You awake to the feeling of soft, gentle touches to your face and Hongjoong's quiet voice saying, "Hey, pretty girl, time to wake up."
"Hongjoongie?" you murmur as you open your eyes groggily. As you blink the sleep out of your eyes, the world becomes clearer and you can see the look of endearment painting his face.
"How about I drive you home?" he asks, his tone as quiet as before. You blink some more and take in your surroundings, seeing the few remainder of your friends getting ready to leave themselves.
"Oh no, I missed the whole movie?"
Hongjoong chuckles softly. "Don't worry, you wouldn't have liked it anyway. It had way too much cgi for your taste. C'mon, let's go." He reaches a hand out to you to help you up. You accept his hand up with a stretch and begin to gather both yours and Hongjoong's things as you both say your goodbyes to everyone. "Ready?" he asks you, and you nod in reply while holding his keys out for him.
The ride back to your apartment is peaceful. Hongjoong plays his music at a soft volume, and sparse conversation keeps the energy in the car calm.
This is Hongjoong we're talking about. When has anyone not been able to completely trust him?
Jongho's words continue to play in your head. The more you think about it, the more true it becomes. You can't believe you ever thought otherwise. Additionally to that, everything is just easy with Hongjoong. You don't have to worry about being too high energy around him, or conversely, being too boring when your social battery is down. In fact, you never felt more relaxed around any other person, and you certainly don't trust anyone else enough to fall asleep on them in a crowded room. No other person has ever brought you that much comfort.
No one has ever shown you love the way Hongjoong has. No one has ever cared as deeply or yearned for you as long. He has shown his love for you since you became friends, and in the past few months he's shown it in so many different ways unrelentlessly, and never once asking for anything in return. You feel so incredibly lucky, and so incredibly stupid for not realizing sooner that the love you've always longed for was right under your nose.
Even though it'd be nice to change the past and be with him sooner, you can't dwell on the 'what-ifs.' You're happy with who and where you are today, and you now know that you want your future to always include Hongjoong and his love.
This is Hongjoong we're talking about. The car comes to a slow stop outside of your apartment. You and Hongjoong look to each other, but otherwise make no other movements towards exiting the car. When has anyone not been able to completely trust him?
"Thank you for driving me," you say to him.
"You don't have to thank me for that." The stillness returns. Neither of you quite know what to say to each other next, but you know you don't want the moment to end.
"You're, uh, still planning on going to Wooyoung's birthday this week, right?" Even though you know his answer will be yes, it's the best you can come up with to stay in the car with him for a moment longer.
"Yeah, of course," he replies, his tone soft. You look at him for one more moment, knowing you'll have to go in eventually.
"Okay, well.. I'll see you then."
I'm ready.
You briefly hesitate before leaning closer and gently placing your lips upon his cheek. As you lean back, you take note of how red his face is. Not only is it cute, but it feels nice to have Hongjoong blushing for once instead of you.
"Goodnight, Hongjoong," you whisper, stepping out of the car.
Before entering your apartment, you turn to face his car one last time and give a small wave.
Oh, god. I really love him.
⋆.˚ ☾⭒.˚
The energy inside the bar was loud, stuffy, and lively. J. Wang, the bar you're at, is one of the hottest spots in the city, and it's the perfect place for your energetic, loving friend, Wooyoung's, birthday celebration. It has the perfect amount of energy to party, but it's still more laid back than a typical club. You stand by the large booth in the secluded corner reserved for the party where it's a bit easier to hear and breathe. You talk with one of Wooyoung's friends you don't know very well, and you want to give the conversation your complete attention, but your attention keeps drifting to the entrance of the bar. You're anxiously awaiting Hongjoong's arrival, and your newfound butterflies feel like they're about to rip a hole right through your stomach.
Hongjoong had offered to take you to the bar, but you declined in favor of getting there early; you wanted to ensure you could give Wooyoung his birthday present before the night got carried away. You hadn't seen Hongjoong since he drove you home from the movie night two days ago, and you're not sure what to expect tonight. All you know is that you're eagerly anticipating his arrival, wanting badly to be here with him.
While you converse, you spot a familiar head of hair make its way through the crowd of bodies at the entrance. Your heartbeat quickens. Hongjoong's hair is styled so that his forehead is visible, and he's wearing a tight-fitted shirt that's tucked into his pants. The style accentuates his waist and chest. To put it blatantly, he looks really fucking hot. He catches your eye and gives you a smirk as he walks towards the back corner. Your cheeks become rosy, and you feel warm under his gaze that never leaves your form.
As soon as he approaches you, he leans his head down towards your ear and says, "You look stunning." His breath is hot, and the sensation sends goosebumps down your skin. He's so close to your ear, you can almost feel his lips against your skin. All that goes through your mind is how you wish he would close that small gap. You want to experience the feel of his lips on you— not just the phantom touch of them.
You smile back up at Hongjoong, placing your hand on his shoulder to tug him down to your height and reverse your positions. "So do you," is all you tell him, but in a state of want, your flirtatious tendencies take control, and you allow your mouth to inch closer than his did. As you say your compliment, your lips brush against his ear, and you allow them to linger there for a moment longer before pulling away from him. Looking up at his face now, desire and longing evident in his eyes.
Before much else can happen, you're interrupted by a "Hongjoong!" You both turn to see the birthday boy approaching with his arms out wide. Wooyoung wraps his arms around Hongjoong with a big smile on his face. "I was wondering when you'd get here!"
Wooyoung's interruption causes the two of you to push your desires aside and continue with the party as planned. You laugh, you dance, you talk with old and new friends. It's a perfect night. You keep close to Hongjoong for a lot of the night, but even when you aren't with him, you feel his eyes following you. You like the feeling, and you think you could quickly become addicted to it.
"Hey, I'm going to go get a drink. I'll be right back," you tell Hongjoong a bit later in the night. You make your way to the bar through all of the bodies in the room, and walk up to the first available spot you see. You're standing next to a tall man, and you can feel him looking at you as you wait for the bartender to finish their current drinks and make their way over.
"Some party you guys are having over there," he leans over and says to you. You finally look over at him; he's not unattractive, but you're not interested in him any. Why would you be when you have the perfect man for you just a few feet away?
"Tell me about it," you politely respond before turning back towards the bartender. You hope he catches the hint that you aren't interested, but he is a man, so you try not to get too hopeful.
"I'm Ji-won." You were right not to let your hopes get too high. You cut your eyes at him, thinking he looks too self-satisfied. You know you're an attractive woman, and you can't blame him for trying to put himself out there, but you can blame him for not taking a hint.
"[Y/N]," you return, once again turning away from him. Seeing that they finished the drink they were making before, you flag down the bartender and give them your order. As they start making it, you feel Ji-won's hand on your shoulder.
"That's a really pretty name. Very suiting for a pretty girl."
You maneuver your shoulder out of his grasp as you curtly respond, "Yeah." You don't even try to hide your attitude or sound thankful. The bartender returns with your drink, and as you pull your card out to pay, Ji-won cuts in.
"How about I cover that for you, baby?"
Just as you were gear up to tell him to 'fuck off', you feel a strong hand on your waist as a familiar voice says, "No need for that." You look up to see Hongjoong beside you now, one hand wrapped around your waist, staking his claim, while the other holds out his card to the bartender. "I'd appreciate it if you left my girl alone," Hongjoong says. His voice is mean, and his eyes are hard as stone as he looks at the man.
Without any argument, the man nods his head and walks away from his place at the bar. You return your gaze to Hongjoong, who's still adamant about keeping his hand on your waist. He looks pissed, and while you don't want him to be upset in any capacity, you can't deny how hot he looks like that.
"Don't worry, Joongie," you tease, grabbing his attention. "I wasn't looking at anyone else." He looks down at you, still with that pissed expression that makes your knees feel a little weak.
"I know. Doesn't stop other people from looking at you, though," he responds, now with a tiny pout on his lips. You don't understand how he can look so cute and so hot at the same time.
"Well, of course not. Look at who's on your arm," you joke confidently, briefly glancing down at his arm around your waist. To your comment, he rakes his eyes up and down your form.
"Don't I know it," he says with a smirk, tugging you in closer to him. The bartender returns with Hongjoong's card, and the two of you head back to your reserved corner.
Even though Wooyoung's party continues on the same, it's different for you now; Hongjoong never loosens the grasp on your waist. Your skin burns underneath the weight of his hand, and you feel the butterflies return to your stomach. You have to admit, you kind of like this jealous side of Hongjoong. You're certain that he trusts you, so you aren't bothered by this act of asserting you as 'his'. In fact, you like how proud he is to have you on his arm. He isn't ashamed to show you off like your previous partners were. His love and attraction for you isn't just quiet and intimate, but also loud and outward. You're convinced he would shout his love from the rooftops if you asked him to, and you're willing to bet he'd enjoy doing it as well.
You've been partying for hours at this point, and it doesn't look like the celebration will end any time soon. However, you're ready to just be alone with Hongjoong at this point. You yearn to finally tell him how you feel, to finally let him in and open yourself up to him completely.
Currently, the two of you stand in a group with Wooyoung and some more of his friends. Hongjoong's hand is still at home on your waist, and your back is pressed up against his chest. The close contact just makes you want to be alone with him even more. You turn in his hold to slightly face him, and successfully grab his attention. He leans his head down closer towards your lips so he can hear you over the loud music. "You ready to leave?" you ask him, happy when he nods his head yes.
He lets Wooyoung know the two of you are leaving while you go grab your jacket from the booth. Wooyoung gives you both a hug goodbye, and you catch him giving Hongjoong a silly expression, presumably about him leaving with you, to which you hear Hongjoong respond, "Oh, shut up!" You say your quick goodbyes to the people you've been talking with, and then the two of you make your way out of J. Wang Bar.
⋆.˚ ☾⭒.˚
The cold November air makes you shiver as you walk out of the bar, your stylish winter jacket and the little party dress underneath hardly enough to keep you warm. Seeing as Hongjoong still sneaks glances at you, you can't complain too much— it did its job well this evening.
You sigh out of your nose, looking towards the night sky as you walk in the direction to your apartments. "I don't want tonight to end just yet," you admit to Hongjoong.
He looks at you with a raised eyebrow. "No? Just didn't want to be at the party anymore?"
"No, it's not that. I just," you turn your head to look at him, "I just want to be alone with you." You can see a blush making its way onto Hongjoong's cheeks. You're sure that if you point it out to him, he'd pout and lie, saying it's from the cold air. You decide not to tease him about it this time; instead, you just admire how good it looks there. "Do you think we can take our time on our walk home? Maybe look at the stars a little bit on our way?"
He gives you a mesmerizing smile before responding, "Of course. We can do anything you want." You're starting to realize that he truly can't resist you or deny you anything you ask. You smile back at him and thank him. "You don't have to thank me for that."
As you approach a park near Hongjoong's apartment, you grab hold of his arm to keep him close and protect yourself from the cold night air. The park isn't like the one Hongjoong found before. It's smaller and much deeper in the city, but it's a nice place with visible stars. He leads you further away from the light posts towards a bench surrounded by trees. Even given the circumstances, he's still trying to find you the best spot.
When you sit down, you make sure your bodies are close. Your head leans against his as you look out at the stars, seeing Orion and the Little Dipper. Hongjoong listens intently as you point them out and tell him their names. The moment is so tender and romantic, it makes your heart swell.
"Thank you for indulging me with this. I know it's late and cold," you say, turning your head slightly against his so you can look at each other.
"Don't worry about it," he smiles sweetly at you. He gazes at you longingly for a moment longer before whispering, "How could I deny you anything?"
Your breath hitches, and you feel all the love you have for Hongjoong coursing through your body. You have never experienced love as pure, warm, and true as Hongjoong's; never experienced devotion or yearning such as his before. You love him desperately, and you need him in your life just as badly as he needs you.
"Hongjoong…" You sit up, facing him now, but remain just as close as before. Looking at you, his eyes are so clear and large. You could stare at them forever. "My heart… it's yours."
"[Y/N]…" Hongjoong mutters, his face incandescent and emotional, as if he never expected those words to come out of your mouth.
"It's true," you say, bringing your hand to the side of his face. "I'm in love with you. Deeply, desperately, wildly in love with you." He lays one hand on top of yours while the other travels to your cheek and situates at the base of your jaw. His touch is so soft and gentle.
"You love me too…" he states, voice overcome with fondness.
"Yes, I do. Most ardently." You lean your head closer into the warmth of his hand. "My heart is all yours and yours alone. Please," you whisper, "be gentle with it."
"Of course I will," he responds, inching closer to your face. Unable to help yourselves any longer, you both lean in and close your eyes, surrendering to a long-awaited kiss under the stars. His lips feel as though they've always belonged there. Your lips move together, conveying emotions far too deep to ever be verbally expressed.
Kissing one another quickly becomes addictive for both of you. The longer you kiss, the deeper and more passionate it becomes. Slowly but surely, the kiss morphs from something of adoration and devotion into something of longing, desire, and hunger. A moment of breathing allows you to slip your tongue into Hongjoong's mouth, deepening your kiss and intensifying your moment.
You pull back slightly, your lips still ghosting his. "How far is your place from here?" Your lips fall right back onto his immediately after asking.
"Only a couple of blocks," he replies before repeating your unresisting act.
You move you head to the side, allowing Hongjoong's lips to explore along your jaw. "Let's go," you breathe out. "I want you, Hongjoong. Please."
He pulls back to look at your face; there's nothing but love, yearning, and desire in your eyes. His expression matches yours exactly. He nods at your request and stands up, offering his hand out to you. "Me too. Let's go."
The walk back to Hongjoong's apartment is, in fact, short, but it feels like it's taking ages. It's a good thing not many people are out this late at night, because neither of you can keep your hands off of each other. Eagerness overtakes you both, and Hongjoong's apartment couldn't feel farther away.
Anticipation pools in your stomach as you approach his apartment and watch Hongjoong unlock the door. Immediately upon entry, Hongjoong backs you against the closing door and cages you in, resuming his siege on your mouth. Gone is the slow and impassioned kiss that this all began with; it's all fervent hunger now. It's sloppy, all hands, teeth, and hot breath. With his lips still attached to yours, Hongjoong begins toeing off his shoes. You try reaching down to unzip your boots, still engaged in his lips, but Hongjoong pulls away and stops you.
"Let me," he murmurs, moving his hands down to your hips and placing them there with a firm grip. Effortlessly, he sinks down on his knees, looking up at you through his long eyelashes as he removes your boots. He doesn't get up once he's done; instead his hands trace up your bare legs with his mouth close to follow. Maintaining eye contact, he kisses up your legs while his hands slowly make their way further up your body. His touch leaves a trail of goosebumps on your skin, and heat rises in your lower abdomen at the sight of him worshiping your body.
His hands push up your little dress towards your hips until your underwear is exposed. At this point, he's made his way up to the top of your left thigh, venerating it with open-mouthed kisses. He takes his eyes off yours and looks toward your clothed core. "One word from you and I'll stop," he says with lust and ardor in his gaze.
"Please, don't stop," you respond, neediness seeping through your voice. Almost instantaneously, his lips are on your clothed center, mouthing you and leaving you gasping from shock. Once he's had his fill, he moves further up, grabbing the waist hem of your panties with his teeth and tugs them down. Now that you're exposed, he drops them, letting them fall to your feet.
"You have no idea what you do to me," he groans as he repositions you so one of your legs is resting over his shoulder. He looked at the sight of you before him— open, wet, and eager for him— with dark, hungry eyes. Without much further build up, he dives in, licking up your entrance with the hunger of a starved man. He continues lapping at your folds, before making his way up to your clit, sucking on it and leaving you in a dizzying state.
Your hand reaches for his hair, tugging on it as the heat in your core intensifies. He keeps an unyielding pressure on your clit, going between sucking on it and flicking it with the tip of his tongue. He looks up at you as you roll your hips at his tongue's entrance within you. He groans at the feeling of you tightening around his tongue, the vibrations making their way through your core. As he feasts upon you, his nose brushes up against your swollen bud, causing you to shiver and moan.
He brings his tongue back to your swollen clit as he pumps two fingers inside of you. "God, Hongjoong," you whine out, throwing your head back against the door. You feel the knot in your stomach tightening as Hongjoong continues curling his fingers inside you, searching for that sensitive spot of yours.
Your legs feel weak and wobbly, unable to take much more of Hongjoong's stimulation while standing. He can feel you shaking, so he wraps his arm tighter around your ass, simultaneously steadying you and groping at your flesh. He continues to moan around your clit at the sensation of you clenching around his fingers, sending shockwaves through your nerves. His rhythm was unrelenting, and you knew you wouldn't be able to last much longer. His grip on your ass tightens, and he takes on more of your weight as he keeps on his attack. He alters the angle of his fingers, now hitting that tender spot inside of you that makes you see stars.
"Hongjoong, I'm close," you whimper out as your hand tightens its grasp on his hair. He keeps his unruly pace, sucking and moaning on your clit. Heat travels through your body as the wave of your climax washes over you, leaving you trembling in Hongjoong's grasp. He eases his feast on you and removes his fingers, now lightly licking up the remnants and leaving soft, open-mouthed kisses to your core.
He finally pulls away, moving your leg from his shoulder and licking his two fingers clean. Clearly, he's obsessed with the taste of you. He rises to his feet once again, and his eyes still burn with lust and primal desire. You're sure you look the same— it's certainly how you feel.
You take in his form, noticing the blatant hard-on in his pants. You hook a finger around the necklace adorning his throat and use it to pull him closer to you, back into a searing kiss. You taste yourself on his tongue, and you know you need more of him.
Hongjoong leads your stumbling bodies through his apartment and into his bedroom. He only has time to turn on one of his lamps before your hands and lips are back on him. Hungry for more, you begin undressing him as much as you can without removing your lips from his body. You unbutton and tug at his pants, reaching your unsatisfied hands under his shirt. The singular lamp and soft moonlight coming through the window provide enough light to fully see each other's forms.
Eventually, you break apart, too desperate to keep your clothes on any longer. Hongjoong removes his jacket and shirt in two swift motions before he reaches his arms behind you to unzip your dress and let it fall to the floor, leaving you now completely naked and exposed to him. He drinks in the sight of you; his expression conveying complete and utter devotion. "God, you're so beautiful," he says to you, almost as if you are a goddess in front of him that he's praying to.
You lean back against his bed, and before you know it, his pants are off, and he's climbing on top of you. One hand lands on your breast, rolling and teasing your nipple between his fingers. The other makes itself home on your ass again, grabbing as much of the flesh as possible. All the while, his mouth goes back to your neck, leaving bites down to your collarbones to mark you as his. Your hands travel across his body, leaving a few scratches on his back before reaching for his ample chest. You lean your head up, as well, and leave a couple of love bites of your own at the base of his neck.
He pulls back, removing his underwear and grabbing a condom, ready for more. As he gets ready to position himself, he stills.
"Hongjoong?" you question, desire overtaking your tone.
"Let me admire you for a moment," he says with a genuine smile, gazing at you as if he's memorizing every curve. You feel your cheeks warm, and shyness creeps up on you. Despite your slight bashfulness, you take this moment to gaze upon Hongjoong as well. The man of your dreams above you in all of his grandeur.
Hongjoong lines up the head of his cock with your entrance, teasing it up and down between your folds.
"Hongjoong, please," you whine, unable to take much more of his teasing. "I need you now."
"Alright, alright," he concedes with a sweet smile, beginning to push himself in. "Anything for my girl." He slips in with ease due to how wet you are, and he grabs your hand in his as he bottoms out. You both moan at the sensation. "I love you," he whispers to you, letting you get used to the stretch before moving.
"And I love you," you whisper back. He starts moving out slowly, pulling himself back until only his head is left inside you before snapping his hips and filling you with his length once more. The pace starts slow and passionate, but still searing and unrelenting. You meet his thrusts with as much strength as you can muster, wanting him as deep in you as possible. He lifts one of your legs over his shoulder once again, positioning himself even deeper inside of your velvet walls and allowing him to hit every tender spot within you. The sound of skin slapping against skin and your combined whimpers and moans sound lewd and vulgar, but the look on Hongjoong's face above you is nothing short of ethereal.
"Fuck, you're so tight," he groans, his pace quickening. Each thrust becomes harsher than the last, and your walls continue to tighten and clench around him, sucking him in with every move.
"Hongjoong, I'm getting close- ah fuck!" you cry out. Your back arches from his cock filling you up, and your head crashes onto the pillow from your overwhelming pleasure. Keeping his merciless pace, he licks his thumb and brings it down to your sensitive clit, stimulating it and maintaining a firm pressure against it. You feel heat coil in your stomach as your release rapidly approaches.
"Cum for me, baby," he mutters— his voice pushing you over the edge. You cry out his name in ecstasy as your walls spasm around his cock, and your legs quiver around his form. His thrusts become more sporadic and desperate as your walls tighten, signifying he isn't far behind and aches for his own release.
"Hongjoong, cum for me, please," you request, reaching your hand up to his cheek. Not even a second later, he releases inside the rubber, twitching with pleasure between your walls. His cock throbs inside of you, and you feel every pulse of his hot release.
Hongjoong collapses on top of you,holding you close and burying his head in your neck as you both recover from your orgasms with heavy breaths.
"I told you," he says after a moment of catching his breath. You turn your head to the side to get a better look at him: he looks at you with nothing but love and adoration in his gaze. "I can't deny you anything you ask of me." You giggle at words, but you know that earnestness is behind them.
Slowly Hongjoong pulls out of you, leaving you empty. "Stay right here," he utters, his tone endearing. He gets up and quickly cleans himself off in the bathroom before returning with a warm washcloth that he uses to clean you up. He's gentle— knowing how sensitive you still are— but efficient.
After cleaning you up, he lies down on the bed with you, taking you into his arms and holding you close. There's no place in the entire world you would rather be than in his arms.
"My girl… My star…" he mutters, his lips pressing against your temple. You look up at him, hoping your gaze says all of the emotions you can't voice. He leans down and cathces your lips in another kiss, as if making up for all of the lost time as soon as possible.
The two of you lie there, engulfed in each other, and you wouldn't have it any other way. You kiss with the thought of it never getting old, and hold one another with the promise that you will do so for the rest of time. The moonlight shines through the window as you indulge in each other's love. The stars peek in through the window, watching and smiling upon your young love. They twinkle at you through that window and listen to the sweet nothings and the promises you both make to each other with great interest. It's partly because of them, after all, that the two of you are where you are now.
"I'm completely yours, Hongjoong. I'm yours for as long as you'll have me."
"I plan on keeping you by my side and cherishing you forever."
the city is full of adventures; from late-night garage confessions to angsty secret hookups, you're bound to find something that suits your fancy at the car meets.
a street racer series dedicated to eight of our favorite drifters.
pairing: street racer!ateez x reader (member-by-member oneshots)
tags/genre: street racer au, fast and furious au, car meets, all of the tropes (exes to lovers, enemies to lovers, friends to lovers, etc.), smut with plot, typically dom!teez x dom!reader in most of the scenarios
notes: 18+ content, mdni! started this bc my best friend wanted to rewatch fast & furious last summer and it blossomed into a full fic series lol :—) you might have seen the oneshots floating around here and there so the masterlist is finally set up and at ur disposal!
status: 8/8 completed as of 02/08/2026
ONESHOTS BELOW THE CUT ⤵️
UNDER COVERS (M) • kim hongjoong
synopsis: with the rise of street racing in the city, hongjoong’s been assigned by his unit to crack down on the drivers. when he meets you, he realizes there might actually be more to the street racing scene than meets the eye—not that he’ll ever mention to you that he’s a cop … right?
word count: 9.1k words
HANDS ON (M) • park seonghwa
synopsis: when the pretty little rich boy pulls into the street racing scene, you’re not buying it. he thinks he can get under your skin, get you to fall for him just like everyone else. you would never … or so you think.
word count: 8.1k words
NICE GUY (M) • jeong yunho
synopsis: after college, you finally move back into the city and rekindle old relationships—including one of your best friends, yunho. even though he’s grown up, you’re still not sure you’re really into the nice guy type. yunho doesn’t seem to take lightly to your rejection and is determined to prove he’s anything but.
word count: 6.9k words
CHERRY BLOSSOM (M) • kang yeosang
synopsis: when wooyoung comes in for an addition to his sleeve, he brings along a very handsome friend who says he’s got a thing for cars. in a poor attempt to stay in touch with him, you suddenly become the victim of so many car troubles. needless to say, yeosang isn’t exactly the best on picking up hints …
word count: 7.8k words
HARD DRIVE (M) • choi san
synopsis: the street racing circuit is starting to get really competitive—too competitive if you’re not able to up your game. when you enlist a certain computer science major to help you with some major tech upgrades on your car, you’ll need to find a way to pay him back.
word count: 6.8k words
PINK SLIP (M) • song mingi
synopsis: mingi says he’s the best driver in the city; you’d strongly disagree. after weeks of post-race banter and spending a little too much time with another guy at the meet, mingi won’t admit he’s jealous—and you won’t admit you like it …
word count: 6.8k words
SPEED DIAL (M) • jung wooyoung
synopsis: it’s been months since you and wooyoung broke up. after messy hookups and refusing to stay away from each other, you promise yourself it was the last time and you haven’t looked back since. when your friend drags you to a car meet ‘for old time’s sake’, you run into the last person you needed to … and your car decides this was the perfect time to break down.
word count: 7.2k words
GEAR SHIFT (M) • choi jongho
synopsis: every fiber of your being hated jongho. he was such a know-it-all and loved to add his two cents every time he caught you under the hood, behind the wheel, or at the garage. if you were the last two people on earth, you’d rather find a way to die than be stuck with him. now, what happens when you’re locked in with him?
synopsis : You discovered your boyfriend’s betrayal and your own terminal illness, but told no one. After your death, he finds the letters you left behind that shattered him with the tenderness he didn’t deserve.
genre : angst, drama, bittersweet romance
warnings : illness mentioned, strong angst
author’s note : make sure no one is looking and prepare your tissues 🤧
word count : 1.35k
───────── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆
─────────
You never told him.
Not about the girl he was seeing behind your back.
Not about the way the sickness had already begun to spread through your body.
You had every reason to scream, to leave, to tell him the truth. But you didn’t. You stayed. You stayed because some part of you still loved him—because the memory of how he once looked at you was stronger than the hurt of knowing who he looked at now.
And the cancer… you couldn’t bear to see his face twist with pity. You didn’t want him to stay because he had to. You wanted him to stay because he still wanted you.
So you loved him in silence.
You smiled when you wanted to cry.
You held his hand while your own trembled.
You kissed him like you had forever, even when you knew you didn’t.
And when you couldn’t hold it all inside anymore.
You wrote.
───────── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆
─────────
draft 1: may 7th, 2025
You don’t know I found out.
Not from me.
The moment I saw the message on your phone—her name, the words that weren’t meant for me—something inside me cracked.
It wasn’t sharp. Just quiet.
Heavy. Like the kind of silence that doesn’t leave.
You also don’t know about the scans.
The appointment. The way the doctor didn’t need to say much—just the look in her eyes was enough.
I remember nodding, asking calm questions, smiling tightly as I folded the paper with the diagnosis into my bag.
I haven’t unfolded it since.
Some days I don’t know what hurts more: the betrayal you think I didn’t see, or the weight of this thing growing inside me that I know I’ll never outrun.
But I couldn’t tell you. Not either truth.
I couldn’t ruin what little time we have left—these almost-moments, the way you still kiss my forehead in the morning, the way you rest your hand on my knee when we drive.
So I smile. I hold both secrets inside me, quietly. One in my heart. One in my blood.
───────── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────────
draft 2: may 15th, 2025
Ever since I found out, I watched you differently.
I memorize things now. The sound of your voice when you’re half-asleep. The way you laugh at things I don’t find funny anymore. The shape of your hand resting on the table, close but not quite touching mine.
You don’t know I’m dying. You don’t know I’m already halfway gone.
I spend mornings sitting in the shower, waiting for the nausea to pass. I hide the pill bottles in the back of the bathroom drawer. I cancel follow-ups. I push the pain aside long enough to sit beside you, nod along to your stories, kiss you goodnight.
And when you leave the room to answer her call—I pretend I don’t hear.
Maybe I’m selfish.
Maybe I just wanted to keep you a little longer, even if it wasn’t really me you were loving anymore.
But there’s a comfort in pretending. There's peace in the lie.
Because the truth would only make you leave.
And I want you here—just a little longer.
───────── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────────
draft 3: may 21th, 2025
I don’t have much time left.
But some nights, when it’s quiet and I can finally let myself feel, I curl up under the blanket and press my face to your pillow.
You’re asleep in the other room, pretending not to be drifting away from me.
And I’m pretending not to be fading too.
I see it in the mirror.
My skin paler, my collarbones sharper, my strength thinning like fog. But I still laugh with you. I still hold your hand.
I still wake up early to make coffee just the way you like it.
Even when you’re texting her from the bathroom.
I thought about telling you yesterday. I had the words in my throat, but your eyes looked so peaceful. I didn’t want to ruin that. I didn’t want the look on your face to change—to turn from love to fear, or worse, guilt.
So I swallow it again.
The words. The pain.
All of it.
I carried you and the cancer together like secrets I’m too tired to confess.
───────── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────────
draft 4: may 30th, 2025
Today I sat on the couch next to you while you scrolled through your phone, and I counted the seconds before you looked up at me.
You didn’t.
But I still smiled. I still told you I was okay.
I asked if you wanted dinner. I touched your arm gently, even though the weight of the day had settled into my bones and I could barely keep my hands from trembling.
I know I won’t get better. I’ve known that for a while now. And I’ve stopped hoping for more time. I just hope what time I do have doesn’t feel empty to you.
Even if you’re already giving pieces of your heart to someone else, I still want to be the one you come home to. I still want to be the silence you rest inside.
There are moments when I almost say it.
About the tumor. About the truth.
But then you kiss my cheek, like you used to, and I let the lie live a little longer.
Because even if I’m slipping away from you, I’d rather disappear gently.
Loved, even if imperfectly, than be watched like someone already gone.
───────── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────────
the final letter: june 3rd, 2025
My Seonghwa,
If you’re reading this, it means I’ve gone ahead.
Somewhere quieter. Somewhere softer.
I don’t want you to feel sorry. Not for the things you didn’t say. Not for the things I never told you.
Yes, there was someone else.
I knew. I saw. I felt it.
But I never wanted you to carry the weight of it. I didn’t want our final days to turn bitter.
I wanted to leave with you still smiling beside me, not shrinking away.
And yes, I was sick. For longer than you realised.
I knew what was coming. I knew my body was losing the fight before it even began.
But I didn’t tell you because I wanted you to stay for me, not for a diagnosis.
I chose to love you through all of it. Through the heartbreak, the silence, the pain. Through the cheating, through fear.
I chose to love you until my last quiet breath.
I hope when you think of me, you remember more than my leaving.
I hope you remember mornings when I kissed you like we had forever.
I hope you remember how fiercely, how fully, how silently I loved you.
Be good to yourself. Be kind to the next heart you hold.
And if you ever wonder whether I knew, or if I ever stopped loving you—the answer is simple.
Yes. I knew.
And no. I never stopped.
Not even in the afterlife.
Always yours,
Y/n
───────── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────────
Seonghwa didn’t make it past the second draft before he started crying.
Not the quiet kind. The kind that hits without warning—full-body, chest-caving sobs. He had to sit down. The papers were shaking in his hands.
Your handwriting blurred from tears.
You had known. About her. The lies.
The nights he left you alone and came back smelling like someone else. You knew.
And still—you stayed.
And then the letters told him why you’d been tired all the time. The doctor visits. The way your hands shook.
Cancer.
He pressed the page to his chest like it could bring you back. But it couldn’t.
He thought he had more time.
He thought you didn’t know.
He thought wrong.
And now the silence was unbearable.
You had died loving him—while he was breaking you. You never asked for an apology. You just wrote the letters. Left him with grace he didn’t deserve.
He’d never forgive himself.
For the other girl.
For the things he didn’t see.
For loving you too late.
And now he sat there, hands over his face, whispering one useless word through every breathless sob.
In a world where everyone is born with a countdown to meeting their soulmate, Y/N's timer hits zero during a showcase and she locks eyes with none other than ATEEZ's Yunho. The moment freezes them both... literally. Their timers stop, time halts, and everything changes.
But there's a cruel catch: after meeting, the bond demands time. Real, physical presence. The more time they spend together, the more time they earn apart-but the buffer is short. Just hours. If they're separated too long, the sickness begins. And in the cutthroat world of idols, being constantly together isn't just difficult-it's forbidden.
Y/N is just a trainee, weeks away from debut. But the agency sees her as a liability now, a threat to Yunho's rising success. When she's asked to step back from her dream to "protect" his career, she's faced with a brutal choice: sacrifice everything she's worked for, or risk the health of the one person fate has bound her to.
summary: Six months of living under the same roof, and you barely knew the guy. You both always came and went, to and from your jobs and school, only ever interacting in the kitchen or the living room late at night when you wanted a glass of water or he wanted to watch TV. But when winter rolls around and the snowstorms get heavy, maybe somehow you could warm up to each other…
tags: snowed in, forced proximity(?), attempt at humor, fluff, mutual pining, hand kink (duh), soft mdom, petnames (baby, angel face, pretty girl, slut etc.), Yu LOVES touching you, handjob, nipple sucking, fingering, tension, unprotected sex (BOOOOO), lotus positon, he talks alot, multiple orgasms, aftercare, NOT PROOFREAD
wc: 7.2k
notes: sort of based around a nsfw audio I listened to a couple years ago LMAO.
tracklist: bad liar, poison, intro: singularity
“Reports are flowing in from the NWS about upcoming snowstorms, which are expected to reach record levels; the surrounding area is expecting up to 6 inches. Officials are closing roads and the district schools are shutting down until-”
“Just my luck, huh?” You switched off your phone and rested your head against your steering wheel with an exasperated sigh. You had seen the beginning of the snowfall that week, just light flakes here and there, but they weren't sticking.
But of course mother nature had to give a big fuck you and mess with your plans that weekend with 6 inches of snow. Roads were closing, and so were the stores, so you needed to be in and out before the snowstorm picked up.
You rubbed your temples before switching your car off, getting out, and walking into the grocery store with your original plan in mind.
You had planned to pick up some ingredients for some appetizers you were going to bring to one of your friends' birthdays, but you had frowned when they texted your group chat, saying the party had been cancelled because of snowfall.
That's what led you to the news, deflating your excitement. Instead of being here for groceries, you were here to stock up on supplies. And so was everybody else. The store was packed with people. Mothers are rushing and snatching boxes of cereal off the shelf. Dads are stocking up on batteries and jugs of water. The poor employees were at war with the panicking public. Quickly as you could, you grabbed a cart and picked up some essentials. Batteries. Toilet paper. Bottled water. Some nonperishables. While walking past the home section, you noticed a couple of displays where they were selling large fleece blankets.
You eyed them for a second, debating if you should get one.
Maybe two.
One for you, one for your roommate. Jeong Yunho.
You had met him on Craigslist whilst looking for roommate listings. You decided community college was best for your budget years ago, but you needed to find somewhere else to live. Soon. Living with your parents is not for the weak.
You spent hours on different websites, desperate to find somewhere close and affordable. Maybe also a roommate who has a low chance of murdering you in your sleep.
You stumbled across the listing one night, hope slowly dwindling at the awful market.
2 bedrooms. 2 baths. 600 per month. Cats are welcome. Email for more information.
Immediately, you jumped on it because there was no way you would be able to find anything cheaper than this, unfortunately. You emailed him all your information. About your job and schedule, and made sure to mention that you would like to bring your cat, Patches. About a week later, you had driven to the house to look around and discuss final plans and agreements. Along with you, you brought your cat so she could become accustomed to the new living space.
The house was cute and quaint, a little grey and white bungalow with a few bushes on either side of the steps that led up to the black door. A decent-sized front yard, neat and green, with a driveway with just enough space for two cars. Perfect.
When you met the person who posted the listing, you had pulled up to the house, parking your car behind another one already in the driveway. He was on the porch, in the process of carrying some bags inside the house.. When he saw you, he waved for you to follow him inside. He showed you to your room, talked about rent and policies. You both established some privacy rules, and he was petting your cat the entire time. He seemed to take a liking to her immediately. Yunho had you sign some things, and then that was it. Simple, fast, and easy. A few days later, you had moved your stuff in, and from then on, you and Yunho barely interacted.
He said that he’s usually at one of his friends' houses, at work or class, or in his room playing games. This was perfect for you; you enjoyed your privacy, and if you were being honest, you were nervous around Yunho.
He had this boyish charm to him that made your heart flutter; he was tall and spoke to you gently, as if he were too loud, he might scare you. He had dark brown hair that parted in the middle, with bangs that sometimes covered his eyes. And you couldn’t help but feel ashamed that your gaze always drifted to his hands whenever you saw him. Large and slender, the veins prominent like a roadmap.
He always made sure that you knew where he was going when he went somewhere with a text like “At friends,” or “Out drinking.”
Another thing you had noticed while living with him was that it was like he stole your cat from you. IF you couldn't find your cat anywhere, it was safe to assume she was in Yunho's room. She followed him around the apartment all the time, whenever he sat on the couch to watch TV, she was in his lap. Whenever he was in the kitchen cooking, she was perched on the counter watching intently.
One day, you came home and saw Yunho on the couch with her. Usually, she’d get up and greet you by rubbing her face against your legs. Instead, she stayed put, gave you a curt meow, and that was it.
You walked by the back of the couch and narrowed your eyes at her, mouthing the words “traitor” before retreating to your room.
You ran your hand over the navy blue fleece blanket that was folded next to a similar white one. Making up your mind, you dropped the blue blanket in your cart as well as the white one. After some more shopping, you checked out and began your drive home, the snow beginning to fall again.
Your mind wandered back to your roommate again. You're pretty sure he was at a friend's house right now, you just hoped he would make it home safe. Driving home through the snow was certainly a feat. Everyone on the road opted to go under the speed limit in hopes they wouldn't go sliding at a sharp turn. A blanket of white began to accumulate on the ground, and it was growing increasingly difficult to see through the snow swirling in the air.
After a grueling and stressful journey, you returned to the house safely. The yard was a pure, sparkling white, untouched like a fresh, clean blanket. You gathered your bags and stepped out of the car, trudging through the snow as it only continued to climb higher and higher. As you suspected, Yunho’s car wasn’t in the driveway.
You made it inside, the warmth of the heater immediately making you shed your jacket as you dropped the bags on the table. As soon as you did, your phone buzzed. You pulled it out to see a text from Yunho.
“Be home later.” Simple and quick. You thought for a moment whether you should text back. Your fingers began typing, and then you hit send.
“Be safe.” A second later, it buzzed again.
“Will do.”
You felt stupid for the way your heart clenched a little. You could count on three hands how many conversations you’ve had with him that lasted longer than a minute. Words are always fleeting between you two, always too busy for anything more than a good morning or an update on bills. But Yunho always responded to your texts with earnestness, replying fast and confidently. It was never anything deep, but whenever you asked what he wanted for dinner, he always responded with whatever it was he wanted, with a smiley face and a thank you.
He never really engaged in any more conversation than that, but for some reason, you could tell her cared more than he let on.
You put away all the things you bought, deciding to place the blanket you bought for Yunho on the couch so he’d see it when he got home. You cleaned up a little, because if you’re going to be snowed in, at least let the place be neat.
After some light cleaning, you had a shower and decided that for tonight’s dinner, you’d make some chili, so that way you would have leftovers for the upcoming days. Tonight was usually Yunho’s night for meals, but you were feeling froggy.
Connecting your speaker to your phone, you cleaned up your area and put on some music, getting ready to make dinner. You were in your zone, chopping tomatoes and browning the beef. The music flowed from your speaker, and the house was filled with a cozy feeling. You were an avid big light hater, so a few lamps and candles here and there set a soothing ambient lighting. The sun was setting, and the snow was picking up, the wind howling outside.
After another hour or so, dinner was done, and Yunho still wasn’t home. It was 8 pm. He’s usually out past 11, but because of the storm, you had assumed he’d be back earlier. You decided to shoot him a test, for your own mental fortitude. The snow had calmed, gentle snowfall dusting your windows.
“Are you on your way home? I made chili.” Send.
You waited a minute or two. No response. You rested your elbows on the kitchen island, waiting for his reply.
The three bouncing dots appeared at the bottom of your messages, and he was typing.
It stopped for a second, then started up again.
“Can you come outside?” Your eyebrows raised in surprise at such a weird question. You thought he was with his friends. He was typing again.
“Down the street.”
“Stuck in the snow.”
“Please.”
You were so confused. Quickly, you slipped on your coat and your shoes by the door. You slipped your phone in your pocket and opened your front door. The cold hit your face like a mallet, and immediately your nose started to burn. But it was beautiful outside. Fresh snow everywhere. It was dark outside well into the night, but the snow was so white it was like it provided a little glow of its own. Snowflakes flurried from the sky, landing all over your clothes. You stepped into the front yard, and half of your calf sank completely beneath the surface of the fluff.
You, albeit with some trouble, waded through your front yard and stepped out onto the icy street nearly losing your footing and busting your ass. The neighborhood was silent, not a soul in sight, the end of the street being swallowed in black emptiness.
But on the other end of the street, a lone car pulled off to the curb, headlights on as the snow swirled around the warm beams of light in a dancing flurry.
Beside it was your roommate, waving at you, bundled in a coat and scarf, grey sweatpants, and a desperate look on his face.
You started to walk towards him, doing your best not to slip and fall. “What the hell is going on?” You exclaim as you walk towards him. His tires were buried in the snow, and his windshield wipers were swaying steadily, clearing the flakes off the glass.
When you were about 6 steps away from reaching him, you began to lose your footing, the ice seeming slicker than before.
“Careful-careful-careful!” Yunho reached his hands forward and took a step in an attempt to catch you, but it was too late.
“Shit!” your feet slipped from underneath you and after a couple slips and slides fighting to stay up, you ultimately fell directly on your ass, a sharp pain shooting up your tailbone.
You groaned, hand reaching back and rubbing your lower back. Immediately, the wet ice soaked your pants uncomfortably, and you already knew you’d wake up tomorrow with a nasty bruise.
Silence fell as you sat in defeat and mulled your pain, but Yunho was oddly quiet. You raised your eyes to look at him. He had one hand over his mouth. His eyebrows were raised in shock, and his eyes slowly narrowed as he took you in.
“Laugh. I dare you.” You glared at him, wincing at the sharp pain crawling up your tailbone.
“Jeong Yunho, you are a child.” You rolled your eyes as he busted out into a fit of laughter, one hand on his car while the other stayed on his mouth. You turned and got ready to get up so you could hit him.
“N-No wait stop!” he shouted between fits of giggles, his arms coming down and trying to pull you up by your arms, while simultaneously avoiding your violent hands.
“I’m sorry, let me just- hold on- stop trying to hit me (Name)! I'm trying to help you.”
“Well then, stop laughing at me!” His own feet were starting to lose friction on this ice as he felt his body sway as he grabbed you.
“If you don’t stop moving, you’re gonna take us both down!” Yunho tried to manhandle you back up, but unfortunately he lost it and tumbled down right next to you, accidentally yanking you onto your back as he landed on his ass.
“Goddamnit...” Yunho laid back in the snow, seemingly giving up on trying to get either one of you on your feet. You giggled behind your hand as you looked at him, his hair all messy and dusted with snowflakes.
He glanced at you and sighed. “Go ahead. It's only fair.” You took that opportunity to laugh in his face, him lightening up and joining you.
When you both calmed down, you looked behind him at his car. “So what happened, you just got lodged in the snow?”
“Wow, real astute (Name). Did I also mention that it’s snowing outside? How crazy is that?” You moved to smack his shoulder at his smart alecness, but he dodged.
“Stop trying to hit me, and help me move my car.” Bewildered, you watch as he stumbled and tried to stand up, feet slipping here and there as he finally stood upright. Like a baby penguin
“Help you push the car?” You snorted and tried to stand up yourself grunting. “Yeah, that's like not happening. Especially on this ice. You’re just going to have to leave it here until some of the snow melts.” Yunho looked at you like you had just told him something outrageous.
“Are you serious?” He glared at you, noticing how you made no move to come over and start pushing the car. “Insane actually…” he mumbled to himself, rubbing the back of his neck in frustration as he watched the snow fall from the night sky.
“Listen, I made dinner tonight. It's chili. Come home for now, it's cold, and the snow will pick back up again soon. Come inside, and we can worry about this later.” Yunho stopped and seemed to think to himself for a second, before his eyes flicked over to yours.
He looked at you with a surprising gentleness, roving over your face before landing on your lips for a fraction of a second, so fast you didn’t catch it.
“Alright.” He threw his hands up in defeat. “Fine, let's go inside. It's okay. We can worry about it later.”
“That's what I said,” you chirped as you turned your back, beginning the slippery journey back to the house.
“I know that's what you said. I was just rephrasing.” Yunho followed behind, shuffling his feet on the ice so he wouldn’t have to pick them up and risk stepping wrong. It was silent on the way back, both of you too focused on not falling again.
You shed your shoes and coat by the door, turning to Yunho and pointing to the rug on the porch.
“Shoes.” You stated. Yunho looked down and removed his shoes, setting them next to yours.
Satisfied you opened the door, you hung your coat on the hanger in the foyer. “I just cleaned the house.” You mumbled to yourself, as if to affirm the reason you made him leave his snow-filled shoes outside.
Yunho followed behind, hanging his own coat and scarf on the rack. You sighed and fell on the couch, groaning in relief at the warmth that surrounded you.
“There’s chili in the kitchen if you want some.” You closed your eyes, basking in the warmth. The pine candle you lit made the house smell so comforting, taking in a deep breath, you heard Yunho’s breath hitch. When you realized he hadn't said anything yet, you peeked open an eye, only to catch him looking away from you.
His arms came up, smoothly directing his gaze down at his hands, fidgeting and playing with his fingers like he was bored.
He was almost caught, your shirt had ridden up when you laid on the couch, exposing your belly and the hem stopping right where your under boob began. Yunho’s brain nearly short-circuited at the sight, wondering what it would feel like to lie to you on his bed and drag his big hands up and down your waist, squeezing and kneading and feeling you…
He blinked, realizing he was much too far in his fantasy, expecting you to be looking at him like he was a pervert. Instead, he caught your eyes glued to his hands like they were the most interesting thing in the world. You blinked once. Twice. Before turning round and snatching up the remote, switching the TV on.
“Like I said, dinner’s in the kitchen. Help yourself.” Quickly gaining your composure like you weren't imagining his fingers inside of you, you switched to a cooking channel and sat on the couch, full attention on the screen.
“What's this?” Yunho tapped the back of the couch. “A blanket?” You didn’t look back at him, too embarrassed to show your face.
“Oh yeah, when I was at the store, I saw they were selling soft blankets, so I got you one.” You shrugged it off. When he didn’t respond, you assumed that he just went to the kitchen to eat.
A few more beats of silence, and you thought you were in the clear from your way too hot roommate, when his gentle, rich voice hit your ears like a truck, and you felt your core clench hard.
“Thank you (Name), you’re such a sweetheart. Thanks for always thinking of me.”
Like someone just shot you, you whipped your head around to see Yunho holding the blanket in his hands, towering over you, standing behind the couch. His fingers dipping into the soft, navy blue waves of fleece, his lips upturned in a soft smile, and his eyes filled with nothing but adoration.
He was going to kill you. His hair fell in front of his eyes as his hands slowly caressed the blanket he held, his posture was relaxed as his eyes remained fixed on you, and you swear you saw them flick to your lips for a second.
Your heart stopped and fell to your ass, immediately nervousness took over your body and you felt like a hot mess.
After a few seconds of silence, Yunho’s smile fell, and his eyebrows knitted, like he was frustrated. He leaned his head back and shoved the blanket in his face, groaning into it.
“Don't… look at me like that.” Yunho’s muffled voice spilled from behind the blanket in his face, and you went rigid. How were you looking at him?
“Well, I don't look at me like that either!” You exclaimed, your voice shaking slightly. Yunho moved the blanket from his face, butting on the back of the couch. His eyes locked with yours again. Every time you looked away, he stepped a little closer, until he was sitting next to you.
“Hey, uh. Back up maybe?” You chided, trying to hide how much of a mess he was able to make of you just by looking at you.
“No.” Yunho challenged, looking at you intently. “Stop looking away and look at me.” So you did, you gazed into his eyes and immediately felt weak. His pupils were BLOWN. His tongue poked the inside of his cheek, eyebrows cinched as he stared at you like he was trying to pin you to your spot.
He wasn’t saying anything, but he didn’t look like he was thinking either. He was just staring. You were starting to feel put on the spot, and you were about to make an excuse to go use the bathroom.
“You’re so fucking pretty,” Yunho whispered. You nearly choked on your spit, but his hand lifted and dragged his fingertips down the bridge of your nose with feather-light gentleness, along your eyebrow, along your jawline. Like he was mapping out your face.
“Yunho…” You whispered, afraid that if you spoke too loudly, it could shatter the atmosphere. The air was thick, and the wind outside howled as the snow picked up again. The house almost seemed too hot now, and frankly, a snowball to the face wouldn’t be so bad right now. Yunho gnawed on his bottom lip.
“How come you never talk to me?” You suddenly blurted it out, instantly regretting it when it slipped out of your mouth. Yunho, obviously taken aback by your question, paused his touches on your face. He let his hand fall onto his lap and quickly grabbed his hand again, encasing it between your own two.
“What I meant is! Like, why don’t we take or hang out more often? I mean that I would like to, not that you… I'm sorry, I don't know what I'm talking about.” Yunho watched as you stumbled over your words, a smile crossing his face again as he chuckled at your franticness.
“(Name), (Name), stop.” The hand he held in your grasp, gently pulled from you, now holding your wrist. Yunho lowered his head and looked at your hand. Keeping his head down, his eyes lifted to meet yours as his thumb pressed onto the pulse point on the inside of your wrist. His other hand came up to your face, cradling your jaw softly.
Your chest felt like it was going to explode, overwhelmed with how Yunho was so close to you, how he was touching you, how he was looking at you.
“You know, I feel bad. You just thought of me while out shopping and got me a gift, but I don’t have anything for you.” Yunho frowned, dropping his gaze back down to your hand, his fingers tracing lightly up the inside of your arm, drawing circles and stars into your skin.
You shrugged gently, trying to brush it off so you didn't seem like you were expecting something back, because truly you weren’t. You just wanted to get him something.
“It’s nothing, Yu, you don’t have to -“
“No, it’s not nothing! Don’t say that.” Yunho squeezed your wrist softly, bringing your arm up and pressing whispers of kisses from your pulse point up your arm, and back down again as he spoke.
“You’re always so thoughtful. Always checking up on me, making amazing meals for us, looking so pretty all the time.” You swallowed, your face quickly heating up at the praise, and the strain in his voice as he spoke. You struggled to find words to reply to him. You never realized how much he appreciated what you do, and frankly, you didn’t realize how much you did for him.
“I wanna give you something too.” His eyes flicked up to yours, searching for consent in your eyes. You didn’t say anything. Then you whispered a question, the doubt in your mind creeping into your words.
“Yunho… you don’t have to give me anything-” Before you could continue, he pressed a finger to your lips to stop you from talking.
“Buh buh buh. Stop. This isn’t for you. Well, it is for you, but it's for me too. I want to. I want to take care of you like you take care of me, (Name).” Yunho’s hand landed on your upper thigh, gently kneading it like he was trying to ease the tension, keeping his eyes on yours.
“Is that okay?” The slow, gentle rub on your thigh was comforting, however, not calming in the least. The tendons in his hands flexed as he stroked his hand about the expanse of your leg. He stopped when your thigh tensed, resuming when you opened your mouth to speak.
“Yes.” barely there, in a whisper.
“Words, angel, use them please.” Yunho inched closer to you on the couch, his other hand coming around to cup the back of your neck, bringing your face closer to his, his nose just barely brushing against yours.
His smell enveloped you, his bangs tickled your forehead as his staggering breath fanned against your lips.
“Yes.” You spoke louder, pressing a soft kiss against his lips, testing the waters. “Please.” You expected Yunho to chase your lips, but instead, he just smiled and leaned back.
“I knew it.” Your heart stopped. What's he doing?
“All this time since you moved in, I thought maybe I was a pervert.” He lifted his hand and gently pushed against your chest, urging you to lie on your back on the couch, your head on the armrest. He slowly crawled over on top of your body, one leg slotted between your thighs with his knee just barely brushing your core, his hands pressing against the couch by the sides of your head. He brought his face down to yours, space nonexistent between you two as his calm breaths mingled with your nervous ones.
His eyes locked on yours, shamelessly flicking to your lips every few seconds. “You’re always looking at my hands, baby. Do you like them?”
Your breath hitched, and embarrassment crept up your spine. Yeah, he had noticed. This wasn't a new fascination of yours. You had always been drawn to hands in a way, but his specifically. The long, nimble fingers, the prominent veins, and the sheer size of his palm.
Teasingly, he brought his hand up to your face, twisting his wrist to give you a good view. Slowly, he moved his hand down against your throat, his fingertips brushing against the side of your neck softly, up and down, trailing along your collarbones and between your breasts, down until they reached the hem of your shirt.
You watched with bated breath as he teased the hem of your shirt, rubbing it between his fingers, slightly lifting it and letting it fall back down.
“Want me to take it off for you? Undressing you like a gift, yeah?” A quiet whimper slipped from the back of your throat. His hand slipped under your shirt, flattening his large, warm palm against your stomach and caressing your skin gently.
Agonizingly slow, he dragged his hand up, taking his time mapping out your body, his other hand quietly lifting to cup the back of your neck again, pulling your head up to press your forehead against his. His eyes never left you as you felt his calloused fingertips brush against the underside of your breast, tracing light patterns around your areolas so softly it almost tickled. Your stomach clenched at the touch, letting out a breath you didn't even know you were holding.
“You're so soft, sweetheart. I’ve wanted to touch you for so long. Can’t believe you're letting me..” His large hand cupped your breast, softly kneading the mound.
His fingers twilled the hair on the nape of your neck, occasionally squeezing the back of your neck reassuringly, like he wanted you to know that he had you. He's gonna take care of you.
“Can you whine for me, honey? I love your voice.” You didn't need to hear that, as he slipped his hand from under your shirt, lifting the hem until it sat under your chin.
“Arms up.” Breaking from your stupor, you lifted your arms as he dragged your shirt over your head, tossing it somewhere in the dim living room. His eyes moved down and locked on your exposed breasts, your nipples hardening in response to the cold.
“There they are. So pretty.” Without warning, his lips crashed with yours, swallowing your whimpers while his hand found your breast again. Messy and slow, his tongue coaxing your lips open for him and slipping into your mouth. He moaned deep into you, his hand massaging your breast roughly as he lost himself in your mouth.
Every buck of his head he tried to push himself closer into you, like he was trying to melt into you, his lips relentless against you, sucking your plush bottom lip and nipping at your tongue teasingly.
Pulling away was hard for him; it almost hurt. He gave himself a moment to take you in. Swollen lips, blown pupils, and frizzy hair. A mess all for him.
His kisses trailed from the back of your ear down your neck and landed around your breasts. Kissing and soothingly running his tongue around them before latching onto your nipple. You closed your eyes and leaned your head back, focused on the feeling of his warm mouth enveloping your nipple.
Taking this opportunity, his other hand moved from behind your neck and landed on the waistband of your pants, undoing the buttons before slipping his hand past the waistband of your underwear.
Your eyes shot open again at the feeling of his finger tracing a slow deliberate line up your slit, gathering your wetness. You craned your neck to the side, draping your arm over your mouth and avoiding his hot gaze. Yunho clicked his tongue and with surprising ease let his finger press against your opening, sliding perfectly inside of you, his fingertip brushing against your G-spot softly.
“I’m gonna need you to look at me, baby, I can’t give you what you need if you aren't looking at me.” Your eyebrows furrowed, and you bit your bottom lip, ripping your arm away from your eyes and slowly focusing your eyes on him. And you almost wished you hadn’t.
His chest rose and fell in shallow breaths, pupils blown and hair tousled all around his flushed face. He gnawed on the inside of his cheek, his hand disappearing between your legs, his cheek pressed up against your breast, his tongue lolling against it, tracing lazy patterns around your areola. His eyes took you in, like you were the most stunning thing he had laid eyes on, which was the truth.
His eyelids fluted before his lips wrapped around your nipple again, kissing, licking and sucking as he started dragging his finger inside of you, curling it just right in that way that made your breathing hitch and your eyes roll.
“Yu-, fuck…” He nipped at your nipple, immediately soothing it with his tongue and pulling off of you with a slick pop.
“I’m trying so hard to be respectful…” He ground out the words like talking hurt his throat. You were finding it hard to focus with the attention he was giving your body, perfectly pressing your buttons and winding you up like a toy. Easily slipping another finger inside your cunt, you let a groan out deep from your chest, turning him on impossibly more.
“But baby, fuck you’re making this so hard for me…” He let his mouth wrap around your other nipple, massaging your hip with his free hand as he sloppily licked you up like candy.
“So good- wish I could eat you all day. I do…” he moaned between kisses on your breasts, switching between suckling them and biting. “I do. I really fucking do…”
Yunho’s fingers press inside of you harder, coaxing you closer to your orgasm. Unbeknownst to you, he was grinding his rock hard cock against the cushion of the couch, desperately trying to ease the pain from how hard he was feeling you soak his fingers like a slut. Your eyes watered, and you were finding it hard to breathe as his long fingers reached spots you never could. You thought back on the times you’d sit on your bed, trying so hard to reach an earth-shattering climax, imagining his fingers fucking you instead of your own. Nothing could ever compare to the real thing.
“Fuck baby, cmon get up. On my lap.” Hazily, you watched as he slipped his fingers out of you, sitting on the couch, legs on the ground. Impatiently, his big hands engulfed each side of your waist and lifted your body with ease to sit on his lap. You bent your knees on either side of his thighs, his cock pressed against your wet cunt.
He craned his neck up to look at you, immediately slotting his lips with yours. Working in tandem, his mouth devoured yours, swallowing you up like he needed you to breathe. One hand cupping your neck and pressing you as close as he could, while the other kneaded the flesh of your ass like a stress toy.
Without thinking, eyes closed as you let him fuck your mouth with his tongue, your hand slipped between your intertwined bodies, fishing his dick from out of his pants, hot and heavy in your hand.
His breath stuttered between his kisses, but his lips never left yours as you wrapped your hand around the upper half, your thumb brushing against the slit on his swollen tip.
He bit your lip accidentally at the stimulation, pulling away from your lips finally to look down at your hand wrapped around him.
His breathing quickened, and his hips bucked, chasing more of your touch as you teasingly played with him. You kept your eyes on his face, watching his eyebrows twitch and his eyes shake.
“Baby, you handle me so f-fucking well…” His moans were quiet, but so loud in the silence of your shared home, the snow howling just outside.
Your grip lowered, squeezing the base before dragging your hand up and down the length of him. His head lifted again, burying his nose in the crook of your neck, pressing desperate and wet open-mouth kisses on your collarbone, his barely contained whimpers falling against your heated skin.
“Off..” he groaned into you, but too lost in the feeling of him throbbing in your hand, you didn’t quite understand.
“H-huh?”
“Off, off- clothes off. ‘S so hot…” He shimmied underneath, shedding his shorts and nearly ripping his shirt off.
He grabbed the base of his cock, urging you to lift your hips so he could press his tip against you.
“Nice and slow for me, sweet girl, sit on it. Take your time, don’t wanna hurt yourself…” His eyes locked with yours as you complied with his request, slowly letting your hips sink down on him.
When his tip pressed in, that stupid, lazy boyish smile of his spread across his face, trapping his bottom lip between his teeth as his eyebrows cinched, focused on feeling you take him in like he was meant for you.
“There you go, slow… good, mmm, good fucking girl (Name.)” Your breath caught as you continued to lower your hips down onto him. Bottoming out with a groan, your hands gripped his shoulder, your nails digging into the blades.
You both sat there for a second, relishing the intimate feeling of just being connected. Your breaths mingled, and your thighs shook, his hands massaging your waist, squeezing your hips every time they slid back down.
When Yunho finally spoke, it was strained and so quiet you almost couldn’t hear it.
“Rock your hips. Grind on me pretty, take what you need from me. Make yourself feel good.”
You whimpered and squeezed your eyes shut, moving your hands to cradle his head. Cautiously testing the waters, you rolled your hips forward, his tip perfectly dragging against that sweet spot deep in your tummy. The moan you let out was borderline pornographic; nobody had ever been so deep in you, and the fact that it was Yunho was so overwhelming.
“Oh god…” You moaned, pressing your lips into his hair, gasping and whining into the soft locks. His hands gripped your hips and helped you move, pushing and pulling you, moving you back and forth on his cock.
“That's it… fuck, always knew you’d take me so well. Like me all in your guts baby, huh?” You nod against him, your breath hitching when he lifted you so you slid up his cock and back down. Effectivley using your body to fuck himself into you.
“Don't stop, keep rolling those hips, angel, do not stop.” His hand came up and gripped your throat, maneuvering your head down so he could kiss you again, groaning into your mouth as you did into his as he fucked you up and down on his cock, your hips contining to grind. With every thrust and every flick of his tongue, his fat tip constantly dragged against that spongy spot inside of you.
A smug laugh slipped past his lips as he watched how desperate you were to feel good, and he was feeling really good about himself as he watched you lose yourself on him.
“Yeah, ride it, baby, ride it…” He bucked his hips, smiling wider when your back went taught feeling the pressure inside of you, as he continued to fuck himself into you slowly, dragging your pleasure out as much as he could.
“This is all for you, for being so good to me all these months, for always being so fucking s-sweet and taking care of me…” He thrusted harder with every other word, like he was enunciating how much this meant to him.
“Thank you Yu- fuck, you’re so big thank you ngh..” He nipped at your bottom lip, giving your throat one more squeeze before moving his hand back down to your hips and forcing your hips to bounce on him a little faster.
“My pretty baby takes dick so well. I regret not fucking you sooner, coulda’ had this pussy a longgg time ago.” Yunho let his finger slip to your clit, rubbing in pressurized circles, dragging the sweetest noises from you.
You opened your mouth, trying to speak, but all that came out were strangled moans and staggering breaths. Yunho understood, though, pressing his lips against yours again.
“Cumming baby?” He whispered into your mouth, smiling when you nodded, unable to speak, too busy focusing on your impending orgasm. “Good, let go. Feel it and let go for me.”
Like the obedient slut you were for him, your spine straightened and you gasped, your orgasm hitting you like a fucking train, shotting from your toes and electrifying your body like you had been shocked, up through your stomach to your brain, making you lightheaded.
When he felt you cum, his hips stuttered in you feeling you clench like a vice and began to speed up. “Yeah, yeah, yeah- good girl, let me fuck you through it, let me get you through it.”
And thats exactly what he did, without letting up the pace, Yunho fucked into you without abandon, the slap of skin on skin echoing around the living room, mixing with your broken whines and his concentrated groans as he made you fall apart like shattered glass around his dick.
“T-too much–!’ you cried when he continued to bully inside you, his fingers still not letting up on your overstimulated clit. “Gonna c-cum again, Yunho!”
Yunho felt himself reaching his peak, but he would do anything to get you to cum again. With newfound rigor, he rolled his hips into you rough, meanly kissing you and sucking your tongue like he was searching for water.
“Again, angel, again. You can do it.” He moaned loudly into your mouth, his fingers opting to rub your clit slower, this time pushing upward, the pressure increasing tenfold.
Yunho twitched inside of you, feeling as you toppled over the edge again, the second orgasm so much more intense than the first. You couldn't breath, cumming two times so close together. Your thighs burned, and your head spun, vision blurring for a second.
Yunho groaned loudly, bucking his hips a few final times before spilling himself inside of you, continuing to roll his hips into you, riding both of your climaxes out.
You slumped onto him, hands at your side as you regained your breath, thighs sticky, and your body stuck to his. Yunho kissed along your shoulder, allowing you to regain your senses as he came down from his high as well.
Slowly, when you were finally breathing normal, he grabbed your waist and lifted you off of him, sighing as he watched his cock slip out of you, placing you back on the couch.
“Don’t move, I'm gonna go grab a rag.” Yunho stood up and walked down the hallway towards the bedroom. He came back a few seconds later, wearing a pair of sweatpants and carrying a black t-shirt, a pair of underwear, and a wet rag.
He sat down on the floor and gently grabbed your ankles to move your legs to face him, spreading them so he could clean between your thighs. He wiped the cold rag along your inner thighs and cleaned you well, before slipping the pair of underwear over your ankles and up around your hips.
“Here, put this on, it might get cold in here again since we’re not fucking like rabbits anymore.” You both laughed as he handed you the t-shirt. You brought it up to your face, inhaling. It was his, and it smelled like him. You felt fuzzy as you slipped it over your head, smiling when you looked down at him.
He was gazing up at you with nothing but love in his eyes, his hands rubbing absentmindedly along your calves, soothing your aching muscles and placing gentle kisses on your ankles, and up your leg to your knee.
“How are you feeling (Name)?” He waited for your response, his hand never ceasing the gentle massaging.
“Do I even need to say?” You smiled at him, and he smiled back, moving to sit next to you on the couch.
“Guess not, moaned loud enough to wake the neighbors.” Instinctively, you smacked his shoulder in disbelief before the words settled in.
Your smile fell, and a worried look crossed your face. “Was I actually?” He let out a hoot of laughter at your reaction.
“I was joking but you were pretty damn loud. It's okay though, cuz you sounded so pretty.” Yunho kissed along your neck, smiling when you twitched from the tickling feeling.
Suddenly, you remembered the dinner that was still in the kitchen, and you stood up and made a beeline for the kitchen.
“Come on Yu, I'm fucking starving and you made me forget I made dinner.” Yunho chuckled and stood up, following you to the kitchen to make himself a bowl.
With your food in hand, you sat on the couch together, with you lying between his legs, the back of your head lying against his chest as you ate together. The snow fell quietly, and the TV droned in the background as you basked in each other's presence.
“Does this mean you’ll come out of your man cave more now?” Yunho scowled at you and playfully flicked your forehead.
“Don't get smart with me, young lady…” he paused and smiled.
“Of course, gotta give my girl the attention she deserves, right?”
► 𝙿𝚊𝚒𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚐 - blackmail!owner!Hongjoong x shoplifter!reader◄
► 𝙶𝚎𝚗𝚛𝚎/𝙰𝚄 - blackmailing trope, shoplifting au, 98% smut, crime, reader has kleptomaniac! tendencies, caught red-handed, blasphemy, mentions of therapy and roleplay, mafia? (can't resist with the new MV teehee), aftercare, fluff, sweet!but!psycho!Hongjoong agenda, actually sweet!Joong, plot twist ◄
► 𝚁𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚗𝚐/𝚆𝚊𝚛𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐 - PG-18+ so MDNI!!!, CNC (dubcon), but I promise it's !conensual, softdom!Hongjoong, sexual petnames, blackmail for !sex, punish fuck, rough sex, bigdick!Joong ftw, cursing, daddy kink, manhandling, oral sex/fingering while on the phone, sneaky sex, semi-public, slight resistance, doggy, missionary, protection (at first,), removal of condom, creampie, no protection (DO NOT DO THIS!!!!), night terrors, mentions of guns and drugs (NOT TOWARDS YOU)◄
► 𝚆𝚘𝚛𝚍 𝙲𝚘𝚞𝚗𝚝 - 13K+ words (this is the shortest fic I've done) ◄
► 𝚂𝚢𝚗𝚘𝚙𝚜𝚒𝚜 - Your sleight of hand gets you in trouble one day when you are caught stealing red-handed by the owner of the store you tried theft at.◄
► 𝙽𝚘𝚝𝚎𝚜 - This isn't my usual thing. I've always preferred plot-driven fics and I always prefer being the reader of smut rather than writing it. This is more of a filler until I publish my next one. Enjoy! Title from Motionless In White. ◄
► 𝚃𝚊𝚐𝚕𝚒𝚜𝚝 - @0rangemilk @ginger-mingi @ruubyrubes @oddracha @jaytheatiny @roxannecos @juicy-red @cheolliehugs (message me because I can't tag y'all) ◄
► 𝙽𝚎𝚝s - @cultofdionysusnet @wonderlandnet @othersideoutlawsnetwork @whipped-kpop-creators @illusionnet @pirateeznet ◄
You had no idea when it started, but when it did, you just never knew how to stop. But you did remember how.
A small tug on the corner of your lips painted your face as you looked around conspicuously left and right to see if someone was watching. When you deemed the coast clear, you discreetly pocketed the small bag of chips.
How it didn't make a sound, you had no idea, but goddamn, it was more nerve-wracking than you thought it was.
At that time you didn't know what hit you and admittedly, you were a bit tipsy when it first happened. Company dinner. Go figure.
You always craved something extremely salty after you drink anything. Unfortunately for you - or maybe not - you were a lightweight; born to be one, unwillingly so.
The next time you did it again, you were stone-cold sober. This time, it was the makeup section of this department store. They were the high-end ones designed to lure in the arrogant elitists whose hobby was to throw money at the expense of overconsumption.
Ha! You're no different. That statement always rang in your head, and deep down your soul, you knew it was true.
Your haul became bigger and bigger - literally and figuratively. You were able to get away with thousands of dollars of merchandise. You knew it was wrong, some poor employee was probably paying for it with their minimum wage salary.
So you tried to stop, but for the life of you, you just couldn't. When you were close to getting caught, all you had to do was bat your lashes and play the needy damsel in distress act, and then you were gone.
It became an addiction.
At first, you justified it by convincing yourself that you were 'saving' money, but slowly, it was the addicting feeling of getting away with something; the rush and the confidence that builds every single damn success.
And by God, that power was sweet.
Most of the things you swiped weren't even things you needed, heck, most of them never saw the light of day ever again afterwards.
The same department store was almost empty when you walked in through one of those automatic doors that opened when you got in front of it. You mentally rolled your eyes, because of course, it did.
"Hi," you greeted the first employee you saw with the brightest smile. "Would you happen to know where the women's clothes are?"
The way she smiled at you with a welcoming gesture almost made your stomach churn out of guilt from what you were about to do. Almost.
"Right this way," she started to put her foot forward to lead you, but you quickly stopped her.
"No! No, please," you halted her, a little jumpier than you intended. You sheepishly offered her a small smile. "I would like to do it myself, if it's okay. Relaxation time, you know what I mean?"
Her mouth formed an O-shape and her face lit up in understanding. It took a lot in you not to sigh in relief in front of her. You opted to do it the moment you hit your next stop.
The moment you hit the aisles, the smirk on your lips didn't hold back. This was a gold mine for people like you - but hey, nobody was perfect. Everyone had their vices, yours just didn't involve illegal substances or the spirits in bottles, is all.
There were already pieces that caught your eye. You had a plan, something you've never tried before, but there's a first time for everything. However, all it took was that one bastard who was at the wrong place at the wrong time.
You've been doing this for some time now, there was absolutely no way you were getting caught now. Losing wasn't part of your vocabulary. The game would be over by then and the fun would die.
Your brows widened when your hand hit a piece of fabric you weren't expecting. It was smooth, a contrast to all the silks you've had contact with.
You whistled when you took it out. It was a ruffled mini skirt, the classic type, the type that will compliment every body type. It was sure to turn heads towards your legs. And you wanted it.
If there was one thing about you, if you want it, then it's already yours.
With your usual glance to the left and on your right, you discreetly turned around away from the cameras and unzipped your jacket, bundling the skirt into a small ball and trying to tuck it inside.
You did that multiple times with more things and as people started to flock everywhere, you knew that you had to go.
Just one more thing and you will leave. As you made your way to the lingerie station, you envisioned which one you'd want to wear tonight as you celebrated yet again another success.
"Hmm," you hummed in concentration as you picked underwear after underwear whether they were slutty enough or just enough. "These suck."
In the end, you settled for this beautiful red, velvet teddy that was sure to hug every curve on your body. You couldn't help but giggle as you imagined yourself laying in bed with a glass of wine in hand.
Having no more space anywhere else, you opted to put it inside your purse. It was big enough to fit it. There was a rush in your veins, the sound of your purse zipper thrumming along with your excitement.
"I wouldn't do that if I were you."
You froze, in fact, everything froze, but the most remarkable thing was the beating of your heart. The way it stuttered out of beat, that terrified you more than the voice who had interrupted you.
You had hoped that it was just a passing customer or employee as you turned around. You could just put on your best charm, but you cursed under your breath when it wasn’t.
"It's not what you think," you blurted out, feeling dumb. Sue me, you thought. You had never been in a situation like this before.
The security guard squinted his eyes and tilted his head. "Sure doesn't look like it."
He pointed at a certain corner of the clothing racks, and you significantly paled at the small, distinct, beeping light that signified a hidden camera. "He's been watching," he murmured, uninterested.
"Who is?"
"Who else? The owner."
There was a first time for everything, indeed. This was the first time you got caught, and for the first time, there was no getting away with it.
Fuck, you internally cursed. Where did you go wrong?
You had never been more frightened than you were at that moment, especially when a large hand started pulling on your arm and started leading you somewhere.
"W-Where are you taking me? I didn't consent to this," you frowned.
Cold sweat started seeping out of your pores when the security guard's darted towards you. "The owner will want an explanation as to why you're shoplifting," he clicked his tongue. "He's not a particularly easy man to deal with so I would behave, really."
For a split second, you thought about struggling. You can't afford to go to jail for this, it would ruin your record. Another thing was that this man was jacked. Easily a hundred kilos of pure muscle.
You were pulled away, anyway, from the lingerie aisle to God-knows-where and you had to admit to yourself, this wasn't the dopamine rush you were looking for - this was the fear of the aftermath of what you've done.
It was what you would consider the walk of shame. The shame and embarrassment you felt each step you took felt worse than what would happen to you?
Would you go to jail? That was your worst option, it would ruin the little reputation that you have. Perhaps, you can bribe the owner? Nah. A person who owns an establishment like this had no need for the spare change you were going to offer.
A feeling of nausea suddenly overcame you as the security guard pushed the double doors that led to what you could only assume were the security rooms open.
"I got a little thief here," the security guard holding my arms smirks as he shoves me forward, rattling you and all the merchandise you tried to fit into your purse.
The sight that greeted you wasn't something that should've bothered you. It looked like a regular room, minus all the equipment and the cameras and monitors.
Your heart sank. They saw you doing what you were doing, most likely waiting until you got far enough where it would be considered robbery rather than petty theft.
"I'll deal with her. Call Jongho for me real quick."
The pit in your stomach was getting bigger and bigger until it threatened to swallow you whole. By far the one that made you utterly terrified was the man sitting on a swivel chair.
You couldn't see him - at least, not yet. The chair was turned against you and so, the only thing visible was its back and the back of the man's hair.
"Of course," the man that pushed me said. "Should I stay or--"
"No. You may go, San."
You stood still, stiffly, at your spot even when the door had closed behind you and you were left with this man. None of you had said anything, especially him. He stayed unmoving on his chair, minus the drumming of his fingers on his lap.
"What do you think should happen to a little thief, such as yourself?" I'm curious," the man spoke out, startling you out of your stupor. "What were you thinking?"
Before you could second-guess your decision to speak out, you stood straight, feigning modesty. "It wasn't my intention---"
"Cut the crap," the man rudely interrupted. He grabbed a nearby pen and tapped it on the monitor beside him. "I'm pretty sure my eyes aren't giving out on me yet."
"I-I know, I wasn't eluding towards that," you stammered. You weren't expecting someone strong-willed. "I-It's not what you think."
"Oh? Taking a black, lacey thong and shoving it deep in your purse wasn't what I thought it was?"
Embarrassment flooded your whole body and the tips of your toes all the way through your nose tingles and shivers, the bad kind. This man was bad news, and you knew it.
All of this over some underwear?
The door behind me had opened once again and another man had entered. He was also a guard, that you could tell, but what set this one apart was his incredible physique. He wasn't as muscular as the guard that dragged you here, but you wouldn't want to go against this one either.
"You called for me? I had to hurry," he said before looking me up and down. "So you're the swiper."
"I did. I'm leaving, tell Seonghwa he's in charge."
Everything happened in slow motion. Your world went into a passing blur when the chair swiveled forward until it was facing towards you. The purse you were holding had long fallen towards the floor.
The bulky guard picked your purse up for you before he walked away. "Roger that."
The man sitting on the chair had a gleam in his eyes as he stared at you, albeit being cold and calculating. His elbows were propped against the table and his hands were under his chin. He was attractive, definitely your type.
You had a feeling this man would swallow you whole the moment you were left alone with him.
"Jongho? Wait," the man stopped the other from walking away. A small smirk paints his plump lips. "Lock the door."
Those three words. They were the beginning of your demise. All of this for a pair of underwear you knew you were never going to wear anyway.
You cleared your throat nervously. "What are you going to do to me? And who are you?"
You had made a point to emphasize the last question. You knew who he was, of course, there was a name plaque that was placed towards the front of the big wooden table.
'Kim Hongjoong, CEO and Executive Owner'
The man stood up from his chair and began stalking towards you without blinking his eyes and averting them. You could do nothing but stare back at him, it was as if his stare was a weight that prevented you from trying to move from your spot.
He grabbed your purse and took out the thong from it using his index finger. The smirk on his face was borderline demonic. "You must really like these panties for you to potentially go to jail for them," Hongjoong chuckled. "I'm sure you'd look marvelous on them."
Hongjoong suddenly threw the purse on the table, the banging sound startling you, before he dumped its contents all over. "Hey," you protested. "You can't---"
"I can and I will," he side-eyed you, one brow raised. For a second, he calculatingly stared at you, slightly disappointed, before he sighed deeply.
There was no point in defending your case, the evidence was right in front of both of you. You internally cursed. Add this to your other firsts, because this was the first time you didn't know what to do or what to say to get yourself out of a sticky situation.
"I'd ask you if you have receipts for this," he poked his tongue on his cheek obnoxiously. "But you'd probably give me excuses you've told the others before. Tell me, how many?"
You balled your fists, the gesture not escaping Hongjoong's attention. It certainly made his cock twitch inside his pants. "I-I don't know what you're talking about," you mumbled, your tongue twisting against your will.
He hummed before hopping up a bit to sit on top of the table. He swiped the name plaque off until it clattered on the floor. "Sweetheart, listen to me," he began. "The last thing you want right now is to be left in the same room as me."
You shook your head fervently before he continued. "You will do everything I say and I won't do anything to you, providing that you'll be a good girl for me."
You bowed your head and nodded, tears springing to your eyes not because of the underlying threat in Hongjoong's voice, but because of the shame of how his words had affected you and caused you to clench around nothing. You subconsciously pressed your thighs together to stop the tingling sensation that buzzed around your pussy.
Hongjoong smiled at your discomfort, and he knew that you knew what he was thinking based on how your hands shook as you clutched your shirt around your fists.
"Am I clear enough for you, my sweet?" Hongjoong mocked. "Or would you like me to reiterate?"
"No, no, please," you hiccupped. "I-I get it."
"Splendid. Come here."
You wanted to disobey him, to tell him that he can shove a stick up his ass and leave you alone, but deep inside, you weren't that stupid. You knew this would be the end of you if you did do so.
None of this would have happened, but of course, you knew you were already in a losing battle the moment he had turned his chair towards you and looked you straight in the eye.
"Sweetheart," he chuckled darkly, clicking his tongue in impatience. "Already defiant? I should just call the police."
Somehow, that idea was less appealing to you rather than being stuck in a room with a potential psychopathic liar who wouldn't hesitate to take you down if he chose to.
"Please don't do that," you swallowed thickly. You put your hands up directly in front of your chest in a pleading motion. He sees this and his smirk widens. "Look, I-I'm sorry, okay? I'll just put them back, I don't want them."
Hongjoong tilts his head playfully, yet dangerously. "Oh, you'll be sorry, alright," he sighed mockingly. "I'll make you sorry."
He puts his arm forward swiftly and you yelped when he grabbed your arms and pulled you hastily towards him. A small groan escapes your lips when your forehead hits his hard chest.
"Easy there, sweetheart, don't hurt yourself," he whispered towards your ear. You could tell he has a smile on his face even when you can't see it.
You hadn't realized that you were positioned in between his legs, your hands on his thighs to cushion yourself from when he had pulled on you. You stiffened, looking at him slowly, tilting your head upwards, only to be met with the nastiest leering of your life.
You jumped a bit when you felt his fingers touch your chin. The touch was light, it could almost be mistaken for something welcoming. "God, you're beautiful," he murmured. "So fucking beautiful."
Instantly, butterflies started fluttering in your stomach. You were undeniably aroused, the air between the two of you was so charged that you could almost taste how electrifying it was.
"How beautiful?"
You bit your lip as soon as the question came out. Hongjoong's thumb pressed on your bottom lip and pulled it out between your teeth. The gesture was so intimate, it made me dizzy.
"I could just eat you up right now," he smirked, his tongue running over his bottom lip. "The question is, would you let me have you, love?"
As arousing this was, you knew that you didn't want this. At least, not like this. "You can't do this," you shook your head, pulling away from his touch.
"No, no, little sweetheart, hold on a second," Hongjoong grabbed your arm back with a cheeky smile. You frowned in response to his hold. "You were this close to giving in, I thought we had a genuine connection here."
This time, you couldn't resist rolling your eyes, completely dropping the damsel act since it clearly wasn’t working on him. Hongjoong's brows rise in intrigue at the obvious change of look in your eyes.
You'd play with him for now. It was better for the situation. A little pretending on your end would ease your tensions. You would roleplay for now.
"I don't think it's part of your job description to hold me against my will like this, you pervert," you sneered, pulling on your arm.
He held tight, however, much to your chagrin. He was definitely intrigued now. Intrigued and rock hard in his pants.
"Does this excite you?" Hongjoong grinned lasciviously.
"Is it supposed to? Especially since," you trailed off a little, making a point to look at him up and down. "I don't see anything that excites me."
Hongjoong tried to stifle his laugh before he completely burst out laughing. You tried not to notice how breathtaking he looked like this - the way his eyes crinkled, his mouth spread out in a wide smile, his cheeks reddened. You were already in control of his perverse nature.
"Oh, sweetheart," he chuckled after his laughter. "This is going to be the best night of our life."
"I only stole thongs."
"Ah, yes," he drawled. You were in for a whiplash when his eyes suddenly darkened. There was no other way to describe it but evil.
"Wait, what are you---"
A squeal escapes your lips when Hongjoong roughly lifts your top. True fear ran through your blood, and he didn't even break eye contact as he was doing it. When the clothes you tried to steal tumbled out of your top, a gruntled sigh can be heard from him.
"Well, what do we have here?" Hongjoong cackled, clearly pleased with how everything was going. "You naughty, naughty girl."
"I-I can explain, please," you stammered pathetically, putting your hands up to fix your top. Hongjoong stared at you expectantly with that mocking expression still on his face and against your better judgment, hot tears started to fill the corners of your eyes.
"And what if I don't want to hear them?" Hongjoong smirked. You weren't expecting it, especially when he started to pout sardonically. "Cry it out, love. You've been a very bad girl, after all."
The tears fell then and there, not because you were ashamed that he had caught you, but because of his very presence, itself. Hongjoong had invoked feelings inside you that overwhelmed you so much, you didn't know what to do with them. But most of all, you were just frightened.
Maybe a quick kick to his balls would distract him enough so you could run away. You weighed your options as you wept, closing your eyes to envision how you'd potentially do it.
Screw it, you thought impulsively. You were never one to ever go down without a fight, and you wouldn't start now.
You stepped back a bit to brace yourself and raised your leg, aiming at his groin to hopefully immobilize him. You saw his eyes widen every so slightly as he watched you try to do what you thought was best at the moment given the situation.
But your shoe didn't touch anything.
"Let me go, you bastard! Ugh! You're going to pay for this," you screeched so loud, your own voice threatened to burst your own eardrums, when Hongjoong held your leg with one hand, squeezing it painfully.
You tried to balance yourself with only one foot and it was hard, but it was better than leaning on Hongjoong again. He smirked before he unceremoniously pushed your leg off, making you lose your balance and completely falling into a heap on the cold, tiled floor on the security room.
"I'd like to see you try," he grinned, baring his teeth like a predator would before it attacked its chosen prey.
And attack he did. You cursed internally as you glared at him from where you were. For someone with a smaller stature, he sure was agile and quicker on his feet than you initially thought possible.
You held back a whimper, clamping your mouth shut, when he leapt from the table down to your level, leaning in with an even wider grin. "Now, this is what I'd like to see," he laughed. "You beneath me like this."
You flushed when his hand cupped his obviously hardened cock and groaned sensually. "It's enough to make a man want to burst right then and there. You want it?"
"You're disgusting," you spat as venomously as you could, even though the sound he made shot straight down your wetness.
"So, you don't think you deserve to be punished?"
Visible shock crossed your features before you could stop yourself. Hongjoong seemed to get immense pleasure from your confused face. Suddenly, he began to lean in closer, and closer, until his face was only a couple of inches away from yours.
"W-Wait, I don't want to k-kiss you," you whined, turning your head away in an attempt to block him from his advances.
He put a finger on your lips and it sent warning signals in your brain. "Silence," he whispered, his eyes drooping and darkened with lust. "Not a sound unless it's you begging for me to have you..."
"P-Please, seriously, I really cannot," another whine sounded from you when he tried to lean again.
This time, annoyance flickered on his face and you gulped when you realized that you had lit the fire in his eyes. "You're testing my patience, sweetheart. I only have so much," he clicked his tongue. "Kiss me. I'll make it good for you."
When you still didn't relent, a growl of anger reverberated around the room. "You're pissing me off," Hongjoong hissed, his crazed eyes widening in ire. "Don't you know that playing hard to get will only land you in more trouble? Get on the table, now."
You didn't dare move, but this time, it was out of fear versus the defiant streak you've been giving him since you arrived in the room. Hongjoong opted to stand beside the wooden table, his eyes intently watching you will your trembling legs to stop.
He's sick, you thought. The way he smiled to himself like he was currently on top of the world made you realize that he was definitely holding back from unleashing all his demons on you. The worst part was that an even sicker part of you wished that he would soon.
In the end, Hongjoong forcefully dragged you to the table, himself, because his impatience and your insubordination was killing him on the inside. The way you struggled against him brought him a horrid sense of satisfaction. He'd have fun breaking you, he'd make sure of it.
"Fuck, my sweet girl," he bit his lip to stop himself from groaning out loud. The way you were sprawled on the table below him made him shiver in delight. "You look so good like this."
"P-Please," you sniffled, struggling once more against his hold, especially against his hand that held your wrists above your head. "I won't do it again, you're scaring me."
"That's because I am trying to scare you," Hongjoong said in an as-a-matter-of-fact tone. He smirked, tightening his hold. "But, you're turned on, aren't you?"
You marveled at the way he stared at your body up and down, gazing upon you as if he was trying to commit your current form into his memory. The things he said had made you angry, but you couldn't deny that he was right - he did turn you on.
But you weren't going to admit it. "I don't know what you're talking about..."
He hummed before he let your wrists go so he could pull you closer to him by pulling you by your waist, your core nestled comfortably at his midsection. "I think you do."
You didn't know what terrified you more - the dangerous position you were in right now, or the way your fright had made his eyes go wild, wide, and crazy with lust and arousal. He resembled something akin to sin, but damn, everybody sins once in a while, don't they?
Shivers erupted on your skin when his hands started to trail all over your body. It got more and more difficult to suppress the sounds that your body wants to make, especially when his hand slowly started creeping higher and higher until it went up your skirt.
You panicked and jumped. "Stop it! What are you doing?!"
"What does it look like? You can see for yourself, if you'd like," he cockily replied with a small chuckle.
"We can talk about thi---"
"Sure," he rudely interrupted with a wicked gleam in his eyes. You whined when he squeezed your inner thighs. "I'm also sure you'd have a lovely conversation with the police as well."
You looked at him, horrified at his blatant intention with you. "Just let me go," you pleaded. "I-I promise I won't tell anyone about this, Hongjoong, please."
He pushed you back down and you couldn't help but wince in surprise. "No," he grunted out. "My name sounds too good on your lips, baby. Why would I do that?"
You felt his hand reach the band of your underwear and he bit his lips. You unconsciously clench around nothing at the sight of his sinful mouth, your mind suddenly reeling at the thought of what that mouth can do to you. Good things, you bet.
"I'm going to do anything I want with you, think of it as your punishment," he shrugged. "What say you, Y/N?"
"Do I have any other choices? Because it seems like I do not," you frowned, cowering under his impertinent gaze.
"You do, you always will," he shrugged nonchalantly. "In fact, you can choose to leave right now. I'm just saying that staying is your 'get out of jail' card. Pick your poison."
Hongjoong grinned at your pale face. "And when you're in jail, sweetie, you're going to wish you were still with me," he purred.
"Y-You wouldn't dare," you shook your head in denial, your chest constricting at the possibility. "You wouldn't!"
You let out an actual scream when he slammed his palms on the table on either side of your head. He managed to lean down so close, you could feel how fast his heart was beating. You supposed you weren't the only one anxious - excited - at the prospect of what's going to happen.
"I'm sorry, I-I'll just pay for them," you mumbled, your cheeks heating up in embarrassment of how much his roughness was turning you on so much. Still, you had dignity to keep. "I have enough money to pay..."
It was true. It was what made your kleptomaniac tendencies all the more embarrassing. You couldn't take all the credit, however, your family had the money, not you. If you so choose, you could buy every single thing this department store had and you'd still have more money than the average person.
Hongjoong clicked his tongue as he stared down at you. "I know. I'm aware who you are, sweetheart."
You shook your head in denial. "Impossible."
He laughed, his chest vibrating against your own. It had certainly made the room even hotter. "Nothing is impossible, Song Y/N."
He wasn't supposed to know that. Time stood still as you stared at him. The maliciousness in his eyes deepened when he saw how stumped you were.
Your heart almost leapt out of your ribcage and landed itself plush on Hongjoong's hands when he thrust his hips against you. You had to stifle the moans that wanted to push past your lips, there was no way you were giving in to this man. Not like this.
You did, however, gasp when his hand started kneading your breast. "Here's what's going to happen," his voice thickened with impalpable lust. "You are going to call your brothers and tell them you're going to be late."
You whined, wiggling a bit to relieve the pleasurable sensation Hongjoong made you feel, but to no avail. "Stay put," he growled. A yelp resounded from you when he pinched your inner thigh hard. "Go on. Do as I say. I do not want to be interrupted once I start."
The danger that loomed over you terrified you to no end, but you weren't going to stop trying to do something as a last ditch effort. "I-I don't have brothers," you denied, stuttering as you felt his hand squeeze your breast harder while the other hand stoked your legs slowly.
He smiled, but instead of making you feel better, it terrified you even more. It wasn't the smile that was supposed to comfort you, it was the one where he knew you were lying through your teeth.
"A liar on top of being a thief, huh?" Hongjoong chuckled. His hand went higher and higher until he groaned when he felt your damp underwear. "Jeong Yunho and Song Mingi. Yunho, the oldest, was your father's son from his previous marriage, and Mingi is your fraternal twin brother."
You squint your eyes at him. Anger ran thick through your blood. Hongjoong faltered for a split second before he got his composure back. You supposed everyone kept their own secrets.
He leaned down until his lips were touching your ear. You were so taken aback by his knowledge that you couldn't even afford to feel pleasure in it. "And you," he whispered. "The mayor's well kept daughter. So well kept, in fact, that the majority of people don't even know you exist."
He wasn't supposed to know that. Your father kept you hidden not because he doesn't love you. In fact, he loved you too much. He didn't want you to find a man that only approached you as an extension of his position in politics.
You were done for. If Hongjoong's earlier actions had scared you, you were now dead petrified of this man. "Who the hell are you? That's classified information," you couldn't help but say.
There was something about Hongjoong that made him especially fearful. It was an entirely different domain of dominance you had never seen in any other man you've encountered. One look was all it took for you to unravel yourself for him, and he knew that you knew this.
He ignored your question, opting to lean away from you and lifting both of his hands from your body temporarily. You breathe our a sigh of relief but it gets cut short when he hands you the receiver of his desk phone. He still wanted you to call your brothers.
The shift in his eyes when he held your hand and hastily placed the phone in your hands had you shutting your mouth. He looked absolutely insane and crazed, especially now that he has you where he wanted you. Kim Hongjoong reminded you of an A-Grade psychopath; an insatiably attractive psychopath.
You were definitely a moth to a flame.
"Hello. You have reached the Secretary to the Mayor, Jeong Yunho, and I am unfortunately not available to speak with you right now..."
The familiar voicemail of your older brother had you panicking on the inside. You cursed under your breath. When Yunho said he wasn't available, he meant it. He wasn't someone who you could call back.
"What's the hold up?" Hongjoong asked impatiently, his hands caressing the bands of your underwear, teasing little circles on them as if he was deciding if he should take them off or not.
You ignored him, along with the zings of pleasure down your wetness, and dialed your other brother's number while you imagined ways to smack his head if he didn't pick up the frantic phone call you were---
"Y/N? Are you okay?"
A sigh of relief escapes your mouth before you could stop it. Mingi's voice brought you immediate comfort. "Y-Yeah," you answered. "How'd you know it was me? This isn't my number."
There was a pause on the other line before a sigh resounds. "I-I had a feeling, I was actually going to call you in ten minutes," Mingi said.
Your heart warmed. There was no scientific backing about twin telepathy or something even remotely similar, but you and Mingi could swear that both of you always had that weight pressing on your chest whenever the other was in great distress. Today was one of those times.
Suddenly, Hongjoong leaned over the landline and pressed a particular button - the loudspeaker. You gulped and gave him a questioning look. "W-What are you doing?"
Once again, he ignored you. You would've been fine with it, but when he paused only to look up and smirk, you knew right then and there, that you were done for. He went from caressing to full-on massaging your hips and thighs.
You opted to put the receiver away from your ear and covered it with your palm. Your heart was beating a million miles per second. "I-I'm on the phone---"
"Shhh," Hongjoong hushed you, his stare becoming more and more devilish. "I'm not stopping you from talking, aren't I?"
My entire body was on fire. His entire hand disappeared under your skirt and the first contact he had that was remotely close to your snug heat, you yelped in utter surprise.
"Are you hurt, Y/N? What's the matter?"
You immediately fumbled and uncovered the phone to speak. "Y-Yeah," you covered up your nervousness with a small chuckle of uncertainty. "I-It's just a little hot over here, you know?"
Desire was slowly taking over your body, Hongjoong's gentle prod to spread your legs intensifying the intense craving. You could tell that his patience was slowly waning out, especially when he ripped your underwear clean in the middle.
You purse your lips to stop the moan that threatened to spill out of your lips. The cold air that he blew straight down there had you clutching the wooden table with your blunt fingernails. Your breathing became faster and faster as he started his onslaught.
"I could tell," Mingi laughed breathily. "I could hear your breathing. You've always been the one who sweated the most when the three of us were younger."
Your toes curled in on themselves when Hongjoong wasted no time slipping a finger inside your dripping sex. You couldn't help but hold onto his shoulder for support before you fell over. You blushed, not for the pleasure, but for the shame, not believing that you were getting fingered while on the phone with your brother, no less.
"S-Say, Min-Min," you began, clearing your throat. "I d-don't think I'm---oh!"
Oh, you were sure Mingi knew what was happening. Hongjoong curled his finger up and hit a particular spot that had you reeling from where you were lying. You kicked his shoulder in retaliation. He tilted his head towards you as a challenge.
Your eyes widened when he started thrusting his finger in and out of you without any mercy. The pleasure was eating you alive; a fire that swallowed you in its heat. Your back arched involuntarily at his ministrations as you twisted it to reach for the mute button on the phone, but your arm was grabbed and shoved away.
"You want to be a brat?" Hongjoong scoffed, bringing up his other hand to rub circles on your clit. "Keep talking, I didn't tell you to stop."
You shook your head repeatedly, your eyes begging him to stop. Without breaking eye contact, he turned his head to give you small love bites all over your lower legs. Eventually, he slowed down. He didn't stop, but you'd rather take this.
"You're worrying me, Y/N. I'm not fucking around anymore," Mingi's voice switched from that playful tone you knew to the tone he'd use on you when he's back in business. "Are you hurt or not? I'll come pick you up, where are you?"
Hongjoong laughed under his breath at that and you heard the distinct jingle of the car keys that you knew belonged to Mingi. "N-No! Wait!"
You bit your lip and reprimanded yourself internally. That sounded more defensive than you intended it to. "I'm fine, seriously," you squeaked. "You don't---"
"You know we're twins, right?" Mingi deadpanned. "I know when you're lying."
You released a heavy breath, your hand moving from Hongjoong's shoulder to his head, tangling your fingers in between his luscious hair strands. He buried his head on your inner thigh, giving it more tiny kisses and even tinier sucks, before you felt his tongue hit your wetness.
"B-But I'm n-not though." you whined. You just hoped it sounded like you were complaining rather than it sounding pleasure-filled.
You glanced down and almost combusted. Seeing Hongjoong's eyes closed as he lapped your pussy turned you on more than his mouth did. He explored you in your most intimate places as if he was memorizing the way you tasted in his tongue. You needed to come, and Hongjoong knew it.
"Y/N," Mingi sighed. "It's the heat, I get it, no need to be ashamed. Father won't be mad seeing you needing help once in a while. I don't want you to get hurt..."
You tuned out Mingi's voice, not by choice, however. Hongjoong's mouth was that good. He knew how to turn you on, as much as you hated to admit it, and he already figured out the areas that made you squirm under his hold.
You covered the phone again. "G-Gonna come," you whispered breathlessly.
Hongjoong hummed, the vibrations making you squirm even more. He pulled away for a second and you almost whined from the loss. "Yeah? Hold it in, sweetheart," he whispered back. "I don't think you want to come right now."
You wanted to protest, to say that this was his fault and he started it, but you knew that he was right even though all you wanted to do right was squirt on his face.
"You know what, fuck this. You're not listening," Mingi's gruff voice snapped me out. "We didn't vouch for your independence only for you to get sick so---"
"Who's sick?"
You went rigid. Your entire body just froze immediately and you went so motionless all of a sudden that even Hongjoong had to stop and look up at you in confusion. You felt his hand rest on your thighs reassuringly. Just like that, your orgasm had completely died down.
"Hand me the phone," you heard your other brother deadpan. God, you could just imagine him with his palms out demandingly.
"Why?" Mingi asked apprehensively.
"Because I said so," the former supplied like it was a well-known fact. Mingi argued further in the background but was stopped immediately. "Need I remind you that you're not even supposed to be here right now? I could easily tell Father."
There was a shuffling sound on the other end before there was a sudden pause before a voice spoke out. "Y/N."
You gulped before answering. "Y-Yunho."
It wasn't as if you didn't like Yunho or you were scared of him. You loved him like you loved Mingi. He was just more rigid, more strict, and more emotionally absent since he was the oldest out of you three. Your father had raised him like this, but even so, and sometimes, you supposed that you were intimidated by him.
"This is not your number, where are you?" Yunho sounded exasperated and you couldn't help but bite your lip. "Are you not in the house?"
"N-No, I-I, uh, I went out for a bit and..."
You stared at Hongjoong, contemplating what to do. He sensed what you were thinking and pressed on your inner thighs. You had to bite your inner cheeks this time, because Mingi was easier to fool than Yunho. Your excuses would not work this time.
"Speak up, little one," Yunho scolded. "If Father found out you sounded like this, even I would not be able to stop him from bringing you back."
Right. As if he didn't sound even more intimidating. Your father wanted to hide you so much, but you felt suffocated in the house. Yunho might have been the way he is, but deep down, you knew he didn't want you to end up like he was raised.
Hongjoong stared at you with this unreadable expression on his face, but you ignored it, opting to clear your throat before speaking up again. "I'm not sick," you explained. "I lost my phone and I'm just having a bit of difficulty finding it."
It was a shitty excuse, and as Hongjoong smirked devilishly in your direction, you had hoped that it would work.
"When did you become so careless?" Yunho chided once more. "Fear not. I shall purchase you a new one immediately."
Hongjoong scoffed, rolling his eyes, but he didn't say anything. "I'm not, and no need," you frowned. "Never mind, I just wanted to let you guys know that I'm going to be home late. That phone had sentimental value to me."
You stared at the said phone that lay near the area where Hongjoong was. That part was truthful at least, and Yunho stayed silent this time. He did give you that phone, after all.
"I cannot stop you from doing what you want, so go ahead," he said. You frowned, heart stinging a little at his nonchalance.
"I'll let you know," you murmured.
As you were about to hang up, Yunho's voice filled the phone again. "Wait."
You raised a brow, a bit surprised, even more so when he said the next few words that'll lighten you up before he hung up. "Take care, little one."
It was short-lived, however. The moment Yunho had hung up, Hongjoong took this opportunity to pounce on you again like a starved animal that had waited too long for its meal to be served.
"W-Wait, you can't do this," you whined, pushing on him again when he resumed what he had started earlier.
"That phone call wasn't supposed to be that long," Hongjoong rolled his eyes, his fingers finding their place inside me again. "Your brothers are fucking weird. One's a potential asshole and the other one has a stick up his ass all the time."
You squint your eyes to contain the fire within them. "Don't talk about them like that!"
"Or what?" Hongjoong challenged. "You're dripping on my hand, sweetheart, I wouldn't talk if I were you. Because I could easily do this."
You shrieked when he went down on you again, but this time, he was sucking on your clit while his fingers still went in and out of you like a piston, his thumb specifically hitting your bud along with his tongue.
"Oh, God, mhm," you couldn't help but groan out, no matter how embarrassing.
"There is no God, Y/N. It's just you and me here," Hongjoong laughed against your pussy. "Finish what you started earlier. Come on my fucking face..."
Yeah, it was definitely embarrassing. You weren't someone who would orgasm fast, if anything, it was difficult to get there most of the time because your other partners just either weren't good, or you weren't that much attracted to them. Yeah, you were messed up from getting cross- eyed and screaming in pleasure.
"Fuck, yeah, give it to me, pretty," Hongjoong laughed maniacally as he stared at your fucked-out face, his fingers not relenting, though his tongue had long stopped from slurping your juices. He'd save it for later.
Frankly, it was the best orgasm of your life so far. You were never going to admit that to him, though. His ego would be the size of this room.
"S-Stop," you whined, pushing his head away weakly. "S-Sensitive..."
"Aww," he sniggered, his lips down turning tauntingly. His fingers went from going in and out to massaging your sweet spot. "But you look so fucking good like this."
"O-Oh," you sighed breathily. "I r-really can't, p-please stop..."
Hongjoong clicked his tongue, rolling his eyes, pulling his fingers out. He looked almost disappointed, but you didn't care.
You stared at the bright light up the ceiling, your chest rising up and down, the realization slowly sinking into you. Your cheeks rivaled the brightness of the light, not believing that you had just let him do whatever he wanted with you like this.
It wasn't like you didn't like it, but you wished it was in another circumstance.
You turned your head to look at Hongjoong, and whilst you were analyzing him, he couldn't help but falter a bit.
He wasn't kidding when he said you looked pretty, he meant it. In fact, you looked a little too pretty for him just laying down his table, ready to be taken by the plucking. He wasn't impartial to the effect he does to you, he could see how you trembled the longer he stared.
He strode forward with a purpose. This wasn't part of his plan, but he needed to taste you. He just hoped his strides weren't borderline desperate.
Your eyes widened when he snaked his hand on the back of your neck and lifted it towards his face, and before you could react, his eyes had already closed and his lips had already met yours.
His lips were pillowy soft, just the way you liked it, and it moved so well in sync with yours. It was undeniable how strong our chemistry was as our lips moved to fight for dominance. It ignited a fire within you that unfortunately, nobody else can ever put out anymore.
You could feel his smirk against yours, his tongue entangled with yours, as you tasted yourself from his lips. Combine that with Hongjoong's own taste, you were definitely screwed.
"So I guess this is payment enough," you murmured, pulling away from him just enough to get your point across.
"Think you can come for me again, sweetie?" Hongjoong asked, completely ignoring your statement.
"W-What?"
To say that you were reeling was probably an understatement on your end. He pulled away momentarily, and you thought he was done, but then he dipped his head down your shoulder after he pushed your top aside. You whimpered when he gave your skin tiny, little kisses so gentle, you forgot what you were initially here for.
"Well?" Hongjoong whispered, his voice wavering. His lips made a small trail for your shoulder to your neck until he was dead set on one spot he knew you'd feel hot all over for. "You're gonna give it to me, right?"
"I-I'm not sure," you spoke in broken moans.
"It's alright," he cooed. His hands were already back on your inner thighs. "Come on, baby, I'll make you feel so good..."
He didn't even give you a chance to reply. His fingers were already tracing your slit, his little groans of pleasure at the wet sounds your pussy was producing had your mind spinning. You were so lost into him; it was as if he had literally mesmerized you into his bidding.
"Ah, oh, that f-feels, ah," you stammered helplessly against his touch. His fingers adeptly played with your pussy, alternating between pushing inside you ever so slightly and rubbing delicious circles on your clit.
"Yeah?" Hongjoong moaned softly, his kisses on your neck getting softer and softer as if he was making the sweetest love with it. "This cunt is mine, hmm?"
"Wait, I-I didn't say tha---"
"You will now," he gave your neck more sensual kisses. His warm breath hitting your skin made you extremely dizzy. His hand trails on your arm up and down even more sensually. "Ah, come on, baby, mmm, say it..."
Your groin was on fire, the tingling sensations that Hongjoong's coaxing was altering your brain chemistry all in all. You whined quietly, tilting your neck to meet his lips subconsciously. This was highly dangerous for you; exceedingly addicting.
His lips had migrated to your jawline, rendering you down to a slave to his desires. He doesn't put his fingers inside you, however, and you weren't sure if you liked that or not.
"I'll help you. Repeat after me, yeah?" Hongjoong whispered, his voice almost inaudible. "Say, 'I'm all yours,' it's easy enough."
You tried opening your mouth to say something, but nothing came out when you tried to pry the words out of your mouth. He clicked his tongue, teasing you by slowly biting on your earlobes.
"Say it, don't be shy," he commanded softly. "I'm all yours."
"I-I'm all y-yours..."
Shame washed all over you the moment you said the words. He made a sound of approval, but he wasn't done yet.
"Good, good," he goaded, laughing breathily. "Say it again..."
"I'm all yours---"
"Daddy," he insisted, finally pulling away to look you straight in the eye. "Say you're mine, baby."
Goosebumps rose from your arms all the way to your shoulders, leaving you with shivers along their wake. "I'm all yours, d-daddy," you squeaked pathetically.
An animalistic grin stretches across his entire mouth. "That's right, you're going to give me my pussy, right?"
When he put it like that, you grasped how hypnotized you were with his words within a couple of minutes. Realization washed over you and your eye contact with him breaks, much to Hongjoong's chagrin. You both knew his spell was broken.
"Is this what you do to all the people who shoplift? Because this is wild," you frowned deeply, pushing away from him by holding onto his shoulders for support so you wouldn't fall off.
He smirked, shaking his head. "No. Just you."
"Somehow, I find that difficult to believe," you chuckled without any humour in it. You were playing with fire by egging him but you couldn't help. You wanted to know.
Hongjoong narrowed his eyes on you, clearly annoyed with your accusations. "You seem to be following me willingly just fine earlier, sweetheart," he scoffed. "If I really wanted to, I'd make you do way more than this."
"Wasn't earlier enough? I don't believe this," you shook your head in disbelief.
"Well, you better believe it, because you still have to pay the price," he chuckled darkly. "Just not with money."
Hongjoong pushed your hands away from him and walked backwards from where you were sitting until his back hit the wall across from you so he could lean against it. Your jaw hung from his implication, the nerve of this bastard!
He nodded towards your forgotten purse. "You know what I've been thinking the whole time, sweets? I wonder how good you'd look with those on."
You blushed furiously, the scenarios of what he's implying playing through your head. The lingerie you stole was very skimpy. "Good, I'm sure," you mumbled thoughtlessly.
"Oh? Prove it."
It began to dawn on you what exactly he wanted you to do. You had hoped that you were wrong, but alas, this man in front of you was as dangerous as he was unpredictable.
You didn't respond. He stared at you with unfiltered lust, waiting to see what you were going to do.
"And if I chose not to do it?"
Hongjoong's brows drew together. "You know exactly what's going to happen," he sighed, irritated. "It's not going to be difficult, I already tore your panties off of you earlier, anyway."
His mouth was scandalous, too. However, this was a better alternative than the horrible life that was jail. It was a losing battle so you closed your eyes, and with a deep sigh, you started to unbutton your clothes until your top was completely off along with your skirt, leaving you only in your undergarments.
Since you had no panties anymore, your pussy was fully exposed in front of him. Redness covered your entire face and neck at your nudity, but this was a small price to pay so he wouldn't call the cops.
Hongjoong wanted to bust inside his pants right then and there. The sight of your shaved pussy filled his mind with animalistic urges. He held himself off, at least for now, to savour your nakedness. He'll take his time claiming you soon.
He crossed his arms as he watched you take your clothes off. There wasn't any expression on his face whatsoever and the only indication that he was enjoying this more than he was letting on was the growing tent in his pants.
"Do you want me to put them on for you?" Hongjoong raised a brow, the tone of his voice shifting from lighthearted to angry. You quickly shook your head. "Alright, hurry up before I do it myself."
You avoided eye contact, opting to look on the floor, and bit your lips in nervousness. Slowly, your hands went backwards to the hooks of your bra, but they were shaking with so much anxiety that even if you tried, unhooking them became challenging.
"Don't piss me off, sweetheart. I don't have all day," he warned, tone clipped and irate. "Take them off now."
You tried to open your mouth to reason with him, but all he did was glare at you so hard with an anger so intense, it almost disintegrated you from your spot.
"Take them off!" Hongjoong yelled. You jumped from your spot when he banged his fist on the wooden panel walls of the office. It effectively rattles the entire room and your insides.
After trying again, it finally unhooked and soon enough, your breasts were spilling out of your bra, but before they were fully exposed, you hastily grabbed the lingerie set and put on the bra that was included in it.
Next were the panties. You started putting them on quickly and that's when you noticed that they were crotchless. You paled, that would mean your hole would be fully exposed to Hongjoong's desires. You slowly craned your head towards his direction, heart beating fast.
His eyes were hooded, cloudy with the unmistakable need to completely dominate you. His breathing became laboured, his Adam's apple bobbing up and down as he swallowed down the saliva building up in his mouth with how delectable you looked.
"Fuck," he cursed under his breath. He always knew you looked good, and he knew that you'd look even better with the lingerie on, but goddamn, was he not expecting you to look this good.
He needed to be inside you. He needed to have you. He needed you.
He cleared his throat loudly. "Come on, give daddy a little twirl, love," he coaxed, voice hoarse, as he twisted his index finger in a twirling motion. "I wanna see that perky ass."
"But I don't want to do it for you," you frowned, shaking your head to cover up the fact that you were getting insanely turned on from him making you call him daddy.
"That's just too bad, isn't it, sweetheart?"
You had no idea where he was getting his audacity, but you weren't going to question it any further. You reckon it was from owning this whole damn mall, but still.
It's an absolute mess, isn't it? There was no use denying it, a sick part of you was extremely attracted to the even sicker man that was Kim Hongjoong. Your mind was telling you to run away, your heart being the one to pull you back, but your pussy was telling you to please him with whatever you have.
Reluctantly, you turned around, twirling like a little doll, just like he wanted. You were beet red with embarrassment, and you heard his groan of approval from behind you as he stared at your plump behind.
"Been working out, huh?" Hongjoong teased, whistling salaciously to emphasize his point.
"Maybe," you murmured. "Are you going to let me go after? I-I just want to go home."
"Maybe," he bit back cryptically.
Despite yourself, you couldn't help but let out a small chuckle at how ridiculous this all was.
The mischief in that Cheshire-like smile that was bigger than anything else you've ever seen and it had almost given you the shivers. You were glad he was far away from you across the room, you didn’t want him in your face.
He screamed authority - you weren't sure if you hated it down to hell or loved it towards the high heavens.
You felt self-conscious all of a sudden, your hands moved themselves to cover what little skin you could. Hongjoong tilts his head in your peripheral vision, but chooses not to say anything as he watches you squirm from where you were standing.
Holes were the only thing missing on your body by how hard he was staring. Your almost nudity wasn't bothering you this time, though. He was probably staring at all your flaws and imperfections and it worried you more than anything else.
"You don't believe me, do you?" Hongjoong mumbled, his brow raised in question.
You frowned. "What?"
"You're fucking pretty," he clarified crudely without any ounce of shame, licking his bottom lip slowly, dragging the wet muscle seductively. "The prettiest girl I've ever seen in my entire life. You really are."
A laugh bubbles out of your chest with said chest jiggling unnecessarily and catching Hongjoong's sharp gaze. "Do you honestly expect me to believe anything that comes out of your mouth?"
"No," he shrugged nonchalantly. Your frown deepens when he gets to his feet and starts to walk forward. "Which is why I'm going to show you," he pauses to raise his hand. "Come to me, love."
It was a losing fight and deep down, you knew it. Still, you didn't move, not because you were trying to resist, but because this time, you felt genuine uncertainty for the first time since entering this room almost an hour ago by now.
You gulped. "A-Are you going to...?"
"Mhhm," he replied faster than you'd like. He makes grabbing motions by closing his fists and opening them. "I'm getting impatient."
You avoided eye contact with him. It was a mistake on your end because the moment your eyes left his, was the moment Hongjoong set out his attack and dug his claws onto your skin.
Your scream was cut off when he turned you around and pushed you down the table so now you were leaning against the edge of it, ass in air. You didn't mean to be that loud, you were just so surprised by the sudden jerk of your body.
"W-Wait---"
There was a shushing sound from behind you and you were about to turn your head to look but you felt his hand on the back of it and pushed down. "H-Hongjoong, hold on---"
You didn't mean to moan when he roughly pulled your panties all the way down to your feet in one motion, and just like that, your entire behind was exposed to him to do whatever he wanted with it. That just left you with your bra, which surprisingly, he didn't touch.
A whimper slips past your lips when you hear the telltale crinkling of a condom wrapper being opened before you see the wrapper being carelessly thrown away somewhere, of course without its contents. That, alone, was enough to make your heart beat out of tune.
You felt his clothed chest press onto your back when he leaned forward, his lips teasing the back of your ears. "O-Oh, ngh," your garbled moans sounded when you felt his wet fingers prod your empty hole, lubing it from the outside.
It suddenly reminded you of your deepest, darkest secret - you were always into the roleplay aspect of sex. It was something you've only told one person before and now that it's happening, you weren't sure on how to react.
"Show's over," his voice was harsh and laboured as he whispered from behind you. Your voice was caught in your throat when you felt the tip of his cock press onto its goal. "Or is it?"
You haven't even internalized what he said yet when he held your hips tightly and started to enter you, his lust evident with how firm his shove was. You both moaned in sync, especially when you accidentally squeezed him in.
He was cursing under his each with each thrust forward and when he had finally burrowed deep inside you, he paused for a little so as to not overwhelm you.
Try as he might, you just felt too good for him to preserve his self-control. You weren't faring any better, his cock hit you just right. If anything, you were worried that the pleasure might drive you into incoherence. You didn't want to embarrass yourself any further.
You felt completely stuffed, and you couldn't help but moan his name out loud. "H-Hongjoong..."
You heard him groan in pleasure. He pulled out a bit only for him to enter again carefully. It was almost agonizing, you could feel every inch of his cock creating the friction you were craving for since you had laid eyes on him.
"It's not so bad is it?" Hongjoong groaned, reaching underneath you to play with your swollen nipples. "Fuck, you feel my cock deep inside you, huh?"
You didn't respond, not giving him the satisfaction he wanted yet. Ripples of pleasure spreads from your core all throughout your body as Hongjoong impales you with his thick cock over and over again, not too fast, just enough for the both of you to be a sweaty, panting mess.
At this point, you couldn't care less if there were people who could hear from outside. The only sounds in the room were the table creaking from all the thrusting Hongjoong was doing in and out of you, the slapping of skin to skin, and the moans you let out as your pussy took all the beating from Hongjoong's insatiable lust.
"You just make me so fucking horny, sweetheart, ah," he growled, thrusting particularly deep this time. "I wanna stay in this pussy forever, what do you think?"
"F-Fuck, oh, s-stop doing t-that," you panted, not able to properly produce words from Hongjoong's unrelenting thrusts.
"What? This?"
His hips pistoned into you so hard, that the table edges were scratching your stomach from too much friction. You wouldn't be surprised if tomorrow your skin there would be so dry.
Hongjoong seemed to take notice of this. Reluctantly, he pulled out of you and for a second, you almost whined at the sudden loss of his cock filling you, but then he started to carry you to another past of the room where a couch lay waiting.
He hastily took off his clothes after laying you down, and after sprawling on top of your body, he thrust back into you once more in one fluid motion. He growled at the sensation, the sound of it making you even wetter than you already were.
"Yeah, oh baby," he hissed, this time not holding back on his animalistic desires, as he fucked you onto the couch. "Kiss me."
Your lips found his and you didn't hesitate to scream into his mouth as he kept burying his cock deeper and deeper inside you, if that was possible. Your entire body was on fire and the only thing that could quench your growing heat was Hongjoong, himself.
"God, your tits look so fucking great in these," his mouth pulled away to latch on your soft flesh, eliciting the dirtiest noises from you that you weren't aware you could produce in the first place.
"Feels good," you couldn't help but let out. "A-Ah, Hongjoong..."
"Yeah?" Hongjoong breathed out. "Want me to go faster or slower?"
"I-I don't know," you moaned out truthfully. You weren't sure if that answer was for his question or an admission on your end. Sweat was starting to trail down from your temples down to your chin.
"It's okay," he shushed. "How about you close your eyes and let me do all the work?"
Suddenly, he was taken aback when he thrust forward. He could've sworn he felt you fuck back onto him . It was all the confirmation he needed. His hand meanders towards the back of your head then pulls it towards him so his lips were against your forehead.
The gesture was so intimate and you reigned yourself from giving in to him, but when he started whispering your name like a mantra, you failed in the attempt.
"Y/N, shit," he growled over and over again. "I stand corrected," he groaned lowly. "You look beautiful, prettier, taking my cock like this."
You surrendered to the pleasure and closed your eyes. His cock surging in and out of your pussy as his other hand cupped your face tenderly was a juxtaposition. Your body went from taking a fucking to lifting your hips up to meet his as you helplessly squirmed underneath him, soft moans of bliss escaping your lips.
Suddenly, his fingers prodded your lips open. On instinct, you opened your mouth to accommodate him. "Ah," he chuckled lazily. "There she is..."
He drew his cock back the same time his fingers in your mouth did, paused, and drove back - both his cock and fingers - inside your holes just as deeply. You met his eyes as he looked down on you. They burned, this whole room could burn and you still wouldn't look away.
"Just like that, sweetheart, keep looking at me while I'm fucking you," he grunted, his face getting faster, sloppier. "Fuck, look at you, taking me so well..."
You tried to moan a protest, but there was a sick satisfaction that overcame his features when he saw that you couldn't speak since he was plugging your mouth. "It's true though," he panted, sighing in intense pleasure. "You just take it so fucking well, sweetheart."
One angle in his thrusting made you bite on his fingers, your eyes widened, whimpering because you didn't want to hurt him, but all he did was shush you, whispering words of reassurance that of how you couldn't possibly hurt him.
"H-Hongjoong, a-ah, fuck, I-I wanna come," you practically begged, your hands moving to his shoulders and squeezing to make your point known.
"Not yet, sweetie, not yet," he grunts. He, then, moved his hands so now they were fully cupping your whole face. He aligns it to his and now that you were staring directly into his eyes, you couldn't help but let out a small smile.
You felt him twitch inside you and you couldn't help your giggle even though you bit your bottom lip to stop the sound. In turn, Hongjoong let out a mixture of his own laugh and his grunts as he plunged into you in long, deep strokes instead of the rapid, shallow ones he's used to doing.
"You okay?" Hongjoong voiced out after a while, trying to stop his smirk as he looked at your fucked out face.
"Mhhm," you moaned out. "I-I just---"
"You want to come?"
You nodded so hard, you felt your neck strain at the sudden force. "P-Please, Joongie?"
He almost busted at your small, whiny voice as you begged for your orgasm. God, if the image of you underneath him as your greedy pussy swallowed his cock wasn't enough, you just had to sound as equally good as you looked. You were definitely set to torture him.
"Goddamn it, Y/N, how am I supposed to last like this?" Hongjoong's voice was borderline whiny as well, his climax creeping in on him. "Good girls don't come until I tell them to."
You could have cried in frustration. "I'll be good, I'll be so good, daddy," you hiccupped, your tears welling up in your eyes. Safe to say, you were into him just as much as he was into you - literally on his end.
"I know, you already are, my sweet girl," he said. "You're such a good girl, yes? Come on, say it."
"I'm d-daddy's good girl," a lone tear falls from your eye. "I'm y-your good girl, Joongie..."
The little grunts he let out almost sent your vision black as his strokes got faster, sloppier, his hips pistoning onto yours, the sound of skin slapping against each other echoey all over the room, in your ears. You were so deep in this, and the thing was, you never wanted to get out.
"I'm going to fuck you into this couch, baby, and then I'm going to fuck you some more after we're done..."
"Y-You have to make me come first," you pouted even when your sight was beginning to get hazy from all the pleasure that Hongjoong was willing to indulge you in.
Hongjoong laughed, a real laugh, his chest bubbling with unspoken happiness despite all the lust that clouded his entire being. "Oh, I will," he leaned in, burying his face on your neck. "I'm going to count to three, I want you to come in one, can you do that for me, sweetheart?"
You nodded without hesitation and Hongjoong swore you never looked more beautiful than you did right now. He kissed your neck in acknowledgement before he completely let go of all his inhibitions and began to actually fuck you hard and fast.
"Three," he pounded away so forcefully, the couch began to move from its spot backwards inch by inch, and you loved every second of it.
He grabbed your throat for a moment, squeezed, and suddenly let go. It cut off your screams as your oxygen paused for a second. He did that over and over again until you got lightheaded. Somehow, that intensified the pleasure his cock gave you.
"Ah! Joongie, fuck, oh, oh, fu---"
He kissed you passionately, the movement of his lips bruising yours, matching the way his hips moved to its pace. Both of your moans mixed in with one another, and it was nothing short of filthy.
"Two," he ground onto you, the number almost melting into nothingness. He continued to kiss you, as if he was pouring everything he couldn't tell you into the fiery sensation of him sucking your soul out through your mouth.
You wrapped your legs around his waist, moaning as his cock went impossibly deeper into you, and crossed them. Your nails repeatedly dragged across his skin, leaving angry marks on them that you'll, for sure, savour later. You were already proud of them.
"I'm such a w-whore for you, daddy," you let out, something you didn't intend on doing, but for some reason, it just slipped out of you.
Hongjoong moaned into your mouth, your lips drowning and swallowing the sounds. He was whining and whimpering wildly as his hips stuttered and chased his high, using your body as nothing more than a tool for his own pleasures.
Fuck it. There was no going back from this anyway. "Are you going to come inside me?"
"Yeah, I'm going to fucking fill you up," he growled, his sweat dripping onto my skin. He pressed his forehead with mine, forcing eye contact. "Do you want me to come inside you? Is that what you want?"
You bit your lip so hard, it almost bled, but you nodded regardless. "Y-Yeah..."
A growl sounds out from the back of his throat as he pulls out from you temporarily. He slips the condom off from his hard cock and tosses it at the nearby rubbish bin, and when he entered back inside you, he couldn't help the loud moan that resonated from his mouth.
"Fuck, baby," he whined like he was in pain. "You feel so fucking good, damn it, I should've fucked you raw like this from that start, fuck."
It didn't take long for either of you to get to that peak you were both chasing since the beginning. Your stomach tightened, your walls were beginning to constrict and flutter against Hongjoong's cock, and he felt it. Fuck, did he feel it.
"One. Come with me, baby, please," he pumped faster and harder until you couldn't take it anymore.
It triggered that delicious feeling that you've been suppressing all this time. It was slow, but when you reached it, the world around you exploded. Your own screams were all you heard, not even Hongjoong's loud growl as he erupted his thick release deep inside you.
"Y/N, fuck," he panted, thrusting a few more times until both of our orgasms had subsided. He grabbed your chin and squeezed hard as he demanded eye contact. "Look at me when you're coming, my love. Look at me."
It was over as soon as it started, but the sensation will last you for a while. You were thoroughly fucked - thoroughly used - and you liked it like that. But only because it was Hongjoong.
It felt right for him, there was nothing more in this moment that felt as right as letting go in you akin to an animal that just wanted to possess. One final pulsating from his cock has him reeling, and he wouldn't tell you just yet, but he was definitely more blown out than you were.
He pushed your hair out of your face and looked at you. "You okay, love?" Hongjoong asked with a small frown, a worried one. "I think that was the roughest we've done it so far---ah fuck, I came too much."
Your soft moan hits Hongjoong's ears as he pulls out. Thick, sticky cum immediately oozes out from your stretched out pussy and Hongjoong could feel himself salivating at the tempting scene in front of him.
You giggled as you stared at him, and even though he literally just rocked your world, you gave him a wide smile despite the haze. "Like what you see?"
Hongjoong nodded wordlessly and you couldn't help but lightly smack him back into coherence. "What? I do," he defended himself with a small pout. "You look so good covered in my cum, sweetie."
You bit your lips when he dipped a finger in your pussy, covering them in his own release, and started writing something on your stomach as if your skin was the canvas and his cum was the paint.
You soon realized that he was writing his own name. When he ran out of 'writing material,' he would dip back in for some more. Redness coated your entire neck and creeped up all the to your scalp.
"Mine," he murmured, kissing the dried up cum on your tummy that had his name. "Property of Kim Hongjoong."
He sits straighter and beckons you to do the same. You did as told without missing and beat. He grabbed your hand and gave it a small kiss before he grabbed his dress shirt and put you in it, careful when he started looping your arms on the sleeves and buttoning it until you were completely covered, your torso, at least.
He pulled you close until you were sitting on his lap, your head plush onto his chest. Aftercare with your boyfriend was always better than the sex, itself, every single time. "Thanks, Joongie," you smiled.
"Did you have fun? Was it everything you wanted?" Hongjoong asked sheepishly. "I didn't know if I was too mean or something."
"No, no, it was good," you hummed softly as his fingers played with your hair. "I suppose we need to talk."
There were a lot of things you wanted to talk about, starting from this whole ordeal. Hongjoong and you had never really explored the idea of sex outside the bedroom, much less the idea of incorporating roleplaying in it to spice things up.
Hongjoong could say the same thing. He didn't mean for it to go that far. He saw the way you twitched when you entered the room for the first time, and he couldn't help the surprise that flickered in his eyes.
You stared at your underwear, one that Hongjoong had actually gifted you a while back, that lay next to the thongs you wanted to take home. You were about to say something, when the door jiggled, signifying that someone was trying to open it.
Hongjoong tightened his hold on your waist as the sound of keys jingling the doorknob. He held your head down until it was completely leaning on his chest as he parted your hair to cover the rest of your face.
"Hey, boss, I got the package secured---oh? Am I interrupting something?"
Even though your face was obscured, you could still see through them. A man not much taller than Hongjoong close the door behind him. He had this briefcase with him, but that's not what scared you.
"Wipe the fucking blood off your face, Woo. It's very unsightly," Hongjoong ordered, his hand massaging your tense shoulders. "You're scaring her. And stop eyeing her legs before I shoot you between the eyes."
Wooyoung's features twisted in amusement before it morphed into realization. "Ah, that's her," he chuckled, lifting a briefcase into the air, one you didn't notice he had. "Well, anywho, I'll leave this here, then."
He places the said briefcase on the floor near Hongjoong's feet before he sauntered out from where he entered from. "And tell her everything before you pussy out again," Wooyoung chuckled, holding the door.
"Get the fuck out," Hongjoong deadpanned.
The door finally closes as a cackling laughter sounded from behind it. You finally lifted your head up and gave him a very curious look. "What's in the briefcase, Joong? W-What are you doing?"
You had so many questions and it just further confused you the more you spent time here. Hongjoong stared at you for a moment before he got you off his lap to grab the briefcase.
"Weapons," he murmured, snapping the lock open before lifting it to reveal, indeed, weapons of various kinds and sizes. You weren't privy to what they were, after all, you needed to use these to protect yourself from Yunho and your father's political enemies.
"And you're smart, sweetie, I think you can gather what's happening," he continued. He held your hand tightly in his, eyes filled with worry. "I didn't want you to find out this way, honey. I was going to tell you."
Indeed, he was right. Wooyoung calling him boss, the blood on said man's face, a briefcase full of weapons - they were all telltale signs of mafia activity.
You didn’t want further details, but you couldn’t help but ask. “A-Are those things you handle on a daily basis?”
Hongjoong hesitated before he took a deep breath. “No,” he shook his head. “We do the usual drugs route as well. Listen, my sweet love, I-I’m sorry I never told you. I just want to have to excuse my absence a lot, and I know that’s shitty, so I’m sorry again.”
It all made sense. You genuinely loved him, but there were times where you were curious about him. There were many things he never told you, many times that he'd never tell you where he'd been. You felt a weight lift off your shoulders at the revelation.
"There's a lot of things I don't know, Joongie," you sighed. "I didn't even know my own boyfriend owned a mall, first of all."
His hold on your hand tightened. "A-Are you mad?"
You looked at him in confusion. "No, I'm not," you said, lifting your hands to kiss them. He visibly relaxes in your touch. "I was just wondering why you, my boyfriend of almost a year now, never told me, that's all."
"The same reason why you gave me a fake last name and never told me that you were the mayor's daughter," he shrugged.
It made a lot of sense, but you weren't even mad at him to begin with, and you wanted him to know that. "About that," you chuckled sheepishly. "How did you even know about that? And since when? Mingi did a fantastic job covering my tracks."
"He did. If he weren't your father's son, I'd actually recruit him," he laughed. "And I found out by accident."
You urged him to go on. "I was going to give you this mall as a surprise, actually," he murmured. "I had Jongho look up if you had assets that would clash with the ownership, and I guess that's how."
You couldn't hold back your surprise. "You were going to do that for me?"
"Yeah, I was," he said. He paused, gathering the words he needed to say to you. "So you'd stop shoplifting."
You paled, fumbling for an excuse to tell him because as good as this all ended, it was still embarrassing for Hongjoong to actually find out this way. "I-I can explain."
"No need," he chuckled, kissing you on the forehead. "I already knew. Why do you think you've never been arrested? Your charm can only go so far, sweetheart. And your stealth is questionable."
You lightly smacked him on the chest and he took this opportunity to grab you and wrap his arms around you. "I've been bribing people for months now, for you," he mumbled. "But you need therapy, sweetie. I can't cover your ass the entire time, and I don't ever want to see you behind bars."
"I-I know, Joong," you murmured in embarrassment and pure shame. You didn't think he'd found out, and now that he does, you were so ashamed of your own skin. A question sticks out in your head. "D-Did you plan today?"
"No," he denied. "I wasn't supposed to be here. Seonghwa decided to oversee that deal we had that involved this," he tapped the briefcase. "So I stayed. Imagine my surprise when I saw you targeted my mall."
"I see," you muttered under your breath. Still, your curiosity wasn't satiated. "But why a mall, though? You're literally head mafia, you could have everything you want."
He chuckled at your question. "Because," he grabbed something from the nearby table, a small remote, then pointed it at the wall behind his office desk. "Nobody would ever suspect a mall to be another hideout."
A small 'click' could be heard and your mouth dropped when a hidden door revealed itself across you. "Holy shit, Kim Hongjoong, you're so fucking hot for this," you said without thinking. He laughed out loud at your statement. "But knowing all this, do you still want to be with me?"
Hongjoong's brows furrowed, distress clear on his face. "Of course, I do," he confirmed, voice laced with confusion. "Why?"
"Because I'm the mayor's daughter," you frowned, sighing deeply. "My dad's literally your enemy."
His face lit up in recognition with the thought and you thought that was going to mull over it, but then he leaned in and pulled you into a tender hug. "We'll figure it out, love, don't worry," was all he said before his hand smooths out the back of your hair gently. "I've known for a while, and I'm still here."
"I suppose so," you hugged back. "And for the record, I'm not mad. Not at all, so don't worry. I just want to go home right now, I'm tired."
"About that therapy," he said, still hugging you like he won't ever hug you again. It was endearing. "We have a resident doctor, Dr. Kang Yeosang. I trust him and he's a good friend of mine, would you like to consult him?"
"Do you think that would help?"
"Yes. But it's up to you, love. I can't force you if you don't want to, but I would feel better if you did. Promise me you won't do it again?"
"I promise," you said truthfully. You did need to change, after all, this wasn't morally good to begin with.
"Thank you, my love," he murmured. "So you'll do it?"
"I'll do it," you agreed, pulling away to look at him. "I'll do it for you."
He smiled, gently cupping your face. He had a thing for doing that. "Good girl," he whispered. "But do it for you, not for me. I'd still love you even if you robbed a whole damn store. After all, you already stole my heart."
"My God, Joong, that was so dry," you giggled loudly. "I'm going to get dressed so we can go now, okay? I really need to shower."
He smirked, burying his face on your neck. "You know I meant what I said earlier."
You were confused. "What?"
He licked a stripe up your neck and it sent shivers through you. "That I want to fuck you some more after we were done here, my sweet girl. We have all night..."
You were already imagining all the things you and him would do the entire day, maybe you'd give him something in return after today.
It definitely wasn't what a sweet, good girl would do.
► 𝙿𝚊𝚒𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚐 - mysterious!jongho x ex!heartbroken!reader ◄
► 𝙶𝚎𝚗𝚛𝚎/𝙰𝚄 - exes-to-strangers-??? trope, mafia au, plot with a side of smut (warnings below), heavy angst, Jongho's career choice is !unknown, regret, intense verbal fighting, reader is very !lonely, lots of crying, sexual tension so thick you can cut it with a knife, slice of life, slow burn, time lapses, path to healing, redemption, miscommunication, plot twist ◄
► 𝚁𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚗𝚐/𝚆𝚊𝚛𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐 - PG-18+ so MDNI!!!, Jongho is an absolute DOM! and he has a !filthy mouth, degrading names (be warned), degradation kink, reader has !masochistic tendencies, spanking, hair pulling, hard biting, overstimulation, blowjob, choking, acarophilia, dacryphilia, creampie, no protection (DO NOT DO THIS!!!!), night terrors, mental breakdown, depressive state, mentions of self-ending (NOT DESCRIBED), extreme violence, gunfight scene (not towards reader) ◄
► 𝚆𝚘𝚛𝚍 𝙲𝚘𝚞𝚗𝚝 - 27K+ words ◄
► 𝚂𝚢𝚗𝚘𝚙𝚜𝚒𝚜 - A storm hits not only your town, but also your heart when Jongho knocks on your door in a panic after not seeing him for more than five years. Everything would have been fine, except he wasn't the Jongho you once knew and loved. He was tense, and paranoid like he was running away from something, and instead of your heart, he now carried a gun. ◄
► 𝙽𝚘𝚝𝚎𝚜 - I'm back from my vacation!!! This one might be on the more emotional side and I kept pausing because I got so into it, that it was actually affecting me. I wasn't going to put smut in this one, but it was so necessary. You'll see why. Also changed my name from "dearinsaniiiity" to this one. Hope you enjoy! ◄
► 𝚃𝚊𝚐𝚕𝚒𝚜𝚝 - @ginger-mingi @0rangemilk @ruubyrubes @oddracha @jaytheatiny @roxannecos ◄
► 𝙽𝚎𝚝s - @cultofdionysusnet @wonderlandnet @othersideoutlawsnetwork @whipped-kpop-creators @illusionnet @pirateeznet ◄
𝐉𝐔𝐍𝐄 𝟑, 𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟏
"We interrupt your afternoon delight with a weather forecast of heavy rain and zero visibility in most areas..."
A strong gust of wind that passed and shook my windows slightly broke me out of the trance I almost went into. With a heavy sigh, I got up and double-checked if I had closed them tightly, twisting and turning the lock just to make extra sure.
It's been pouring rain the last couple of days and everyone, including me, thought it was going to pass, but clearly not.
I was disheartened to find out that there was a hurricane in my area when I turned my television on. I looked out my window again, the wind was picking up and it was raining so hard that I could barely make out what was outside.
"Shit, shit!" I panicked when I saw smoke rise up my ceiling and realized that I had overcooked my dinner for tonight.
I hurriedly took out my baked salmon, or what was left of it, from the oven. It was basically inedible.
I sat on the dining table with my head buried in my hands in frustration. This week has been terrible for me.
Because of the oncoming storm, my boss from the local bakery decided that he was going to close for a couple of months and leave town to avoid the storm while vacationing somewhere. I didn't mind, I wasn't going to stay in that job forever, so I applied to a corporation in the next city over, but I was rejected today.
Life hasn't been easy on me, but I'm working towards it.
Just when I was about to burst into pitiful tears, my doorbell suddenly rang. I was alarmed; I wasn't expecting anyone, and nobody in their right mind would be out in an active hurricane.
"Alright, I'm coming, please hang on," I scurried to the door when the doorbell rang over and over again hurriedly, as if the person on the other side was on the verge of collapsing.
But who could this be? I didn't really have anybody close enough with me who would visit without any prior notice. I wasn't really reclused, I just saw no point if they're going to leave anyway eventually.
With a deep breath, I opened the door slowly to peep out and see who was knocking, but that was pointless. I quickly grew frigid and loosened my hold on the door as it swung open on its own.
I recoiled at the surprise - there was someone I was not expecting to see right now. I blinked my eyes over and over and over, and over again. I even went as far as to rub my eyes repeatedly, pressing onto them almost dangerously, just to make sure I wasn't hallucinating.
"J-Jongho?" I squeaked, my voice cracking pathetically towards the end.
I curled my hands into fists. All the pain, raw and real, came rushing towards me as I stared into the eyes of the man who hurt me the most five years ago.
"Hello, Y/N."
His voice sounded so far away, and if it weren't for him actually standing in front of me and looking at me straight in the eye with an expression I couldn't pinpoint, I would have knocked my head against the wall so I could wake myself up from this nightmare.
"I-Is that you? Jongho?"
"That is my name, yes," Jongho spoke as his eyes stared into my own again. There were a million emotions to be said yet none in his eyes.
His voice sent delicious shivers down my spine, my legs started going numb from the pressure and the intensity. It had been years, and his eyes still had this unique, telling amber hue to them from afar, but up this close, his eyes had gold specks swirling in the middle near his irises.
"W-What are you d-doing here?" I sputtered out, my voice clearly holding distress.
"I know this is very sudden and I really don't mean to bother you," he cleared his throat. "I just...didn't know where to go, I passed by and I didn't know there was a storm."
My heart ached uncontrollably. If it wasn't for the storm, he wouldn't even show his face in front of me. "Do you need a place to pass the storm?" I asked rhetorically.
"Do you mind?"
"N-No, not at all. I'm just surprised you still knew your way here, that's all..."
A flashing look of hurt crossed his expression before it completely disappeared. He knows he can't blame me - after all, this was the first time we were seeing each other after five years of complete radio silence from one another.
I hesitated, biting my lips in contemplation. It's not that I didn't want him here, it's just that I was too hurt to see him.
A strong gust of wind howled from a distance and it was so strong, it had nearly uprooted a nearby tree. I turned back to Jongho in panic and urged him to come inside before he got uprooted.
I waved my hand towards him as a gesture that he could move. "Come along, Jongie---Jongho."
When Jongho started to walk inside and pass me, he paused and stiffened at my mistake. We stared at each other wide-eyed, either of us unwilling to move for fear of what's going to happen next. It was the nickname I loved calling him when we were still together.
But one of us had to. I laughed nervously and broke eye contact as I closed the door behind me. It was so awkward and for a couple of minutes, none of us did anything. The only sound that could be heard was the storm happening outside and Jongho's coat rustling as he took it off and set it somewhere.
My mind was blank except for the constant buzzing that reminded me that this was real, my heart palpitated in an abnormal manner, and at this point I was sure I was going to pass out.
"C-Coffee? Tea?" I blabbered nervously as I tried to busy myself so I wouldn't make eye contact with Jongho.
He chose to sit cross-legged on the couch. In my peripheral vision, I saw him close his eyes momentarily to savour the sensation - I get it, that specific spot was his favourite. It was to the point that we used to joke that when we had kids, he would pass on his 'throne'. Clearly, that didn't work out for us.
"Tea is good," Jongho murmured. "A dash of honey, no sugar or lemon."
I raised a brow, Jongho and tea never used to be in the same sentence. But then again, five years had passed. A lot of things can change in five years. But this was my ex-boyfriend, and I knew Jongho. He was never the type to deviate from what he liked.
I went to work and I could feel Jongho's sharp eyes following my every movement. It was making me extremely nervous. It was very evident in my actions, especially with the way my hands shook. I accidentally dropped the kettle with how clammy my hands have become and I yelped when it clanged loudly.
I stood frozen at my spot, staring at the fallen kettle. A sigh resounds from the far corner of the room and then the footsteps I missed.
"Are you alright?" Jongho picked up the kettle and set it down. "Sit down. I'll do it."
My head short-circuited from how close Jongho was to me. I could smell his cologne, something that used to comfort me. I had to stop the emotions threatening to bubble up from my chest because this felt so intimate.
"No, please, my hands were just a little clammy. Just relax," I explained, still avoiding eye contact.
My breath was cut short when a hand held my shoulder and a finger gently lifted my chin. I was forced to look into Jongho's eyes and I was surprised at how close he actually was to me.
It was the first time I was taking a good look at him. Jongho's hair was slicked back, something he barely did before because he loved his bangs. I resisted the urge to frown. It wasn't the only thing that changed, Jongho was much bigger than me now. He's always been taller than me, but now his shoulders were much broader and his chest was definitely harder.
"Do I make you nervous?" Jongho whispered. His eyes searched my face for answers. My breath laboured when they stared a little too long on my lips before his eyes met mine again.
"Yeah," I nodded, my voice quiet. "You do."
I was rigid as I returned the gesture. I had long forgotten how his plump lips felt like against mine, and I forgot Jongho's face overall.
I forgot about how insanely, utterly, ridiculously good-looking he was - it made me want to pull my hair out. I felt beads of sweat starting to form slowly at my forehead, I must have looked so dumb staring at him with slightly wide eyes.
He pulled away. "Sit down, Y/N. I won't burn down your kitchen."
"I know you won't," I frowned with a slight blush on my cheek. "If you could just let me---"
Jongho snapped his head at me and stared straight into my eyes with an expression that startled me. "Sit down," he repeated, his voice leaving no space for arguments.
I did as told, but I couldn't even concentrate as Jongho prepared the tea, not even when he opened the correct cabinets and worked my stove as if he never left five years ago.
There was something about his eyes and demeanor that was scaring me a bit. I could argue that it might just be my own anxiety and surprise at seeing him, but no, that wasn't it. I couldn't explain it, when he told me to sit down, I had to.
I had to. It was either I follow or else.
I stared at Jongho as he stood by and waited for the water to boil. He had always been a very nonchalant person as he was quite mature for our age group, but he was different. I wasn't sure if it was the way he moved or the way he talked, but he was very much different from the carefree and easygoing man I once loved.
"Careful, it's very hot," he murmured as he handed me the mug. We both chose to sit at the dining table and I tried my best to stay unaffected than I actually was.
When I took a sip, I whipped my head fast at Jongho who was busy sipping his own tea. There was a ghost of a smirk on his face when I sipped again, this time, savouring the tea and allowing myself to relax a little.
"You remembered," I swallowed. "A sugar cube and a dash of lemon in mine."
Jongho stared at me for a couple of seconds before completely ignoring me. It was awkward, but I wasn't going to push it. There was this dread I'm feeling that I couldn't pinpoint. Moments later, he had completely finished his drink.
"How are you, Y/N?" Jongho asked softly. His voice sounded so calm like the ongoing rain, and I've always loved the sound of the rain.
"I've been good, well, mostly anyway. I'm trying to apply at the capital, but no luck so far," I answered truthfully. "Are you okay, though? The way you knocked got me so worried."
Jongho's face softens significantly. I didn't even notice how tense his body was until he relaxed. "You were worried?" he snorted quietly. "You haven't changed at all."
It hit a nerve. I wish I did change, because if I did, then there wouldn't be a single part of me that was so hurt by his presence right now.
There was still a part of me that will always mourn how he suddenly just left one day and never came back, that is, until today.
"How can you just act like nothing happened?" I looked up at him with inquisitive eyes. "I guess that part of you never changed."
"That's what you think," Jongho murmured. His soft, calm voice always sent shivers down my spine.
Once again, he started staring at me again with those deep eyes of his. I couldn't help but be taken aback. His eyes looked different - darker. It made me think, what in the world has he been doing after he left town?
I broke eye contact, awkwardly shifting my body in a different angle. "And what of you?" I asked, trying to change the topic. "How are you, Jongho?"
My tone held weight in it, and Jongho knew. We both knew the hidden meaning behind the question - I wanted to know the real reason why he gave up on us when we had it good. His demeanor falters a bit and he sighed deeply before responding.
"Exhausted," he replied like the weight of the world was on his shoulders. "I am very tired."
Silence. I didn't know what to say. This entire time, the way his eyes were reaching out and speaking to me made me want to take all his worries away, but I can't. I wasn't prepared for the day I would have to face him again, fuck, I haven't even moved on.
"Are you going to tell me why?" I whispered, my voice giving out my real intentions.
I knew he wouldn't say anything, but still, I wasn't ready for the instantaneous rejection. "No," Jongho denied, his tone firm and absolute.
I always had this gut feeling that Jongho was doing something behind my back. No, I knew it wasn't an affair. I never did ask why, until today.
"What are you really doing here, Choi Jongho?" I squinted my eyes at him.
He raised a brow in amusement. "I already told you---"
"You're lying!" I gritted my teeth, slighted, then banged my fist on the table. The sound didn't even startle Jongho. "Don't you at least owe me an explanation if you're staying in my house?"
"You would be correct," he agreed, his eyes shifting into something darker; sinister. I shifted uncomfortably on my seat as he slowly leaned forward until our faces were only inches apart. "But there are some things better left unsaid, Y/N."
Better left unsaid, my ass!
The urge to fight for him as we stared at each other unblinking was overtaking all my sense of rationality. As always, I had to back down, else we'd be like this all night up until the next night. Jongho would rather die than give in, even in the little things like this. It was petty and it was endearing before, but now, it just angered me.
I nodded robotically, effectively ending that conversation. "Right," I stood up from the chair as I looked out the window before turning to him. "It's getting late. Would you like to clean up before heading to sleep?"
The urge to pretend we were strangers was immense ,but I couldn't turn my back on him. It was a trait of mine I've always wanted to change - I'm a little too forgiving and caring. I always get hurt in the end.
Jongho had always been a man of few words, and tonight wasn't any different. He stared at me calculatingly, gauging my facial expressions, but I had already gauged his - he did not want to stay. My eyes must've looked more pleading than I wanted to because he looked away with a soft sigh.
"Oh," Jongho hummed awkwardly. "I'll have to go in my car to see if I have some spare clothes."
I shook my head immediately. "No need. Hang on a minute."
I descended towards my room with a blush with what I was about to do. I went into my room and grabbed the clothes I'd always kept at bay, I didn't even sweat looking for them; they've always been hidden away in the most immediate place of my closet.
I paused on the doorway, willing my shaking hands to stop, but to no avail. I had to mentally tell myself that it was okay, it was just Jongho, he needed help and you were just helping him. It was nothing more than that, nobody deserves to be in the middle of a raging hurricane with nowhere to go.
But why is the hurricane raging in my heart instead?
I could feel Jongho's eyes burning onto my hands - at the clothes I was carrying. When I handed them to him, it was the first time real emotions crossed his features.
"For all this time?" Jongho asked, his eyes holding turmoil and his voice strained with pain as he held his clothes that I've kept. I didn't have the heart to throw them away, I didn't want to.
My words kept getting stuck in my throat. I nodded my head and ignored his burning gaze. His body stiffened in realization before he moved in urgency towards a certain room in my small and modest house. I could only stare at him as he opened the door.
"You could sleep there," I offered, though he probably knew that already. "It's clean, I promise..."
My chest felt extremely heavy as emotions rushed through me, emotions that I've long forgotten because they died along with my soul a long, long time ago. Jongho stared at me, his hand gripping the doorknob so tight, I was afraid it would crush under his strength. His other hand was balled into a tight fist.
It was the master bedroom, our room when we were still together. However, it was mostly Jongho's room because it was his gaming room. I was starting college back then, mostly online, so I used the other room - the room I used ever since. Jongho would end up sleeping there so it made sense that all his stuff be moved there.
We were so secure in our relationship that we had no problem sleeping in separate rooms. Of course we'd sleep next to each other most of the time, but the principle behind it stood.
In hindsight, maybe we weren't so secure after all.
"When was the last time you were here?" Jongho asked in urgency. There was an underlying threat to his voice, like he was trying to hold himself back from exploding, but I don't care. I was too focused on my own hurt.
I hesitated. "Five years ago," I replied honestly. "When I...found your letter that said not to look for you."
It was the first time that that door was opened in so long, I couldn't bear to even look at the door because it held so many painful memories for me.
"Why?" Jongho questioned, the heat of his gaze almost melted me into a messy puddle, but I couldn't bear to look at him, he looked so hurt under all the surprise and the facade.
Because I was hoping you'd come back one day.
I shrugged, hoping that I could sell the notion that I didn't care. It was so far from the truth. I couldn't tell him what I really felt.
Jongho was about to say something but I immediately cut him off. "Anyway," I cleared my throat. Jongho frowns deeper but he lets me be. "I'm a bit tired, you know where the shower is."
I turned my back quickly to leave, but Jongho stopped me. "Wait, please."
I stuttered in my steps, only turning my head to look at him and not my whole body. He also wasn't the type to say 'please'. His mouth opened to say something, but he opted to close it. "Good night, Y/N. Sleep well," was all he ended up saying.
I ran to my room a little faster than I wanted to and closed the door a little harder than I intended to. I don't care if Jongho notices, he knows damn well what he was doing when came here.
There was a point in my life where I never wanted to see Jongho again, but at the same time, I needed him to let me heal. But not like this.
I couldn't sleep that night. Up until this point I was working with empathy as my fuel and my body on autopilot. Tonight, everything came crashing down on me now that I was alone. It was horrific, the heartbreak and the pain that came with it barreled down my body and I couldn't breathe.
I could still feel the biting cold of the harsh winter snowfall when we first laid our eyes on each other. We were just teenagers, no older than fourteen, and it wasn't love at first sight, but it was a slow burn; a gradual fall that would have happened eventually even before we knew it.
Jongho's love always gave me an out-of-body experience, for his love was true and passionate. It was something you'd have to experience yourself to know what I meant. He was the sweetest lover, he was so patient with me and he had the most beautiful smile that always made me cry tears of joy for having him.
I built a world in my head that revolved around Jongho. Him and I managed to graduate high school, but we never went to college because we didn't see the point of it. We did odd jobs here and there until we bought our first house to prepare for the rest of our lives together. We had it so good.
Until it wasn't. He took a part of my heart that I can never, ever get back again when I found a letter in his room one day when I woke up. There was no other explanation. The amount of tears I cried for years could rival the hurricane happening right now.
I'd always suspected it was because of his career. The way he got so irritated and angry whenever I'd want to talk about what he did back then petrified me. He told me he found solace in a bank, but I knew he was lying. I was pretty sure the bank didn't give him all the bruises he came home with all the time.
I did try the dating scene after two years or so, but no such luck. I left every man that I'd make a connection with all the time because I would end up comparing every single one of them to Jongho and it wasn't fair to them.
But everything was in the past now. As I closed my eyes to try and rest, I made up my resolve to try and not catch feelings for him. I would break his heart before he broke mine again.
𝐉𝐔𝐍𝐄 𝟖, 𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟏
It took approximately five days for the rain to finally stop and by this time, it was safe to go out and see the sun.
These five days were some of the most challenging days of my entire life, more so than when I was trying to move on from Jongho before. We were so awkward around one another, it was as if we were strangers that were forced to co-habituate.
The only consolidation was that both of us barely went out of our rooms, except when I made dinner, but even then, we'd still eat in our rooms. I don't know about him, but I refused to go out there willingly and interact with him. Living together again felt a little too intimate for my liking.
And now he was leaving again. It's like he never even came in my life.
"A-Are you sure you're going to be okay?" I asked apprehensively from across the dining table.
Jongho zipped up his duffle bag that contained some of his clothes that he took from the room. It hurt me more than I'd like to admit, it was like he was permanently uprooting what's left of him from this place - from me.
He looked up and nodded. "Yes," Jongho responded curtly. He hesitated a bit before speaking again. "You're going to go grocery shopping this morning, aren't you?"
I raised a brow in surprise. Jongho pointed at something and when I looked, it was a note I had put there from a week before to remind me to refill my fridge. The tips of my ears warm up with embarrassment. I nodded at him, not knowing where this was going.
"I'll drop you off so you don't have to walk," he offered, voice soft. "The town exit is by that area...I can drive off from there."
I hesitated, biting my lip to think about it. To be quite honest, I was hoping that he would just say his thanks and leave. In reality, I don't want to watch him leave, my unhealed soul won't be able to take it.
However, maybe seeing it would help me finally move on and heal. "Okay," I agreed, my voice barely audible even in the silence that enveloped us, but he heard it anyway.
It was how I found myself sitting in the car with him as he drove. It was a small town, I could have walked to the store if I wanted to, but driving was still more convenient for me.
"I hope life will be a bit nicer to you from now on," I whispered all of a sudden as I watched the scenery bristle past us. Even with what happened to us, I will always want Jongho to succeed and be happy.
I could feel his eyes burn through me and I tried not to look at him. "You've always been such an angel," Jongho remarked quietly. The statement made my stomach drop. "Thank you, Y/N. You had no reason to take me in, but you still did."
Before I could ask if I was going to see him again, Jongho halted the car all of a sudden. I yelped a bit when I jutted forward, thank God for seatbelts, and I wanted to look at him in intense confusion, but when I looked up, I understood why.
There was destruction that laid across the streets and the town. Thick, gigantic trees had fallen over and covered the entire divide. It gave me the shivers to look at, but what made both me and Jongho pale was that the exit bridge was entirely destroyed. This town was located at the very edge of the country, and that bridge was the only thing connecting them.
I was startled when a knock sounded from my window. It was a construction worker. I lowered the window and we said our respects.
"I'm sorry for the inconvenience," he began. "It's very dangerous here, please turn back before you get hurt."
"How long until everything is up and functioning?" Jongho asked, obvious tension and anger tainted in his voice even when he was trying to hold back. "I'm not a resident here. Is there any other exit?"
"Afraid not, dear sir. Please, turn back. And it would probably take a couple of months to fix everything..."
Jongho's grip on the steering wheel became dangerously tight. He knew the answer to that question, but he still asked anyway. I didn't pay attention, my ears were ringing loudly in my brain
"Fuck!" Jongho hit the steering wheel hard with the palm of his hands, the force of it so intense, it shook the car a little bit.
I jumped a bit when he did it again, harder than the last. I've never heard Jongho curse with this vehemence, hell, I've never even seen him lose his temper this quick. Rage was written all over his face, his blown out eyes were wide with adrenaline and thick veins angrily popped out from his temples.
My heart stopped beating for a full second when Jongho snapped his head towards me and ran his eyes all over my terrorized state. His glare held cold emptiness. Who was this man? The Jongho I knew only looked at me with nothing but love and even if he didn't anymore, surely I don't deserve this?
He forced himself to stop glaring at me. It was such an odd sight, as if he was trying to reign in the demons that threatened to overtake him. He tried and tried until all that was left was his softened gaze.
I got so lost in thought that I didn't even realize that Jongho had not only parked his car , but he had also gotten out and opened the door for me.
"Let's go," he gently coaxed out. "I'd like to be home before sundown."
Home? My head started hurting from all the overstimulation. I looked around me, surprised that we were in front of the grocery store. I stared at Jongho in confusion. "A-Are you going in with me?" I blurted out dumbly.
My skin tingles when Jongho placed his hand at the lower part of my back and started making me walk with me inside. "How am I going to pay for the stuff if I'm not here?"
He grabbed a cart and started pushing it with one hand while his other hand had now travelled a little higher as he gently guided me with him.
"I have my own money," I frowned. "If this is about you staying for a while now, I'm not asking for anything in return."
"So keep them and stash them somewhere as savings," he replied. His hand separated from my back and he paused at one aisle. "You like instant ramen?"
"Oh, yes—wait," I sputtered like an absolute idiot, face getting redder by the minute. "Don't change the topic."
He grabbed the biggest box of instant ramen. Not only did he do that, but he also got my favourite variety. There was a look of amusement painted on his face, it made him look so much younger; it made him look so good.
We carried on doing the groceries together. I was so distracted by how domesticated we both looked. We looked like we were a married couple just trying to replenish their groceries. Jongho grabbed everything I needed but more so the stuff he knew I liked because I would eye them a little longer. I couldn't freely do this, my job at the bakery provided just enough for me to survive but not splurge on things I didn't need.
By the time we were done, the cart was so full that Jongho found it difficult to steer the cart. "There's a lot of things here I'm not even sure how to cook," I deadpanned.
"The internet exists, blossom. We'll figure it out," he assured. He cocked his head towards the cashier area. "Come on."
I lagged behind him, I didn't want him to see how red my entire face had become. Blossom. I'm not sure if he did it on purpose, but it was what he called me during the entirety of our relationship.
"Hey, Y/N! Good to see you out and about," Choi San, the cashier and one of my best friends, greeted. He turned to Jongho and bowed a bit. "Thank you for shopping with us, Sir..."
I stopped the smile threatening to come out. If only San knew that he was technically older than Jongho. I can't blame him though, Jongho was born with an old soul, it was one of the things that made me love him so, so much.
San kept wiggling his eyebrows at me in a teasing manner while Jongho wasn't looking. I put my finger to my lips to shush him, but that seemed to spur him on even more.
"Hope the storm wasn't too bad on you, Sannie. How's Haneul?" I asked him to distract him.
"She wasn't here when it happened, thank God," he laughed a little. He stared at Jongho, me, and then back at Jongho with a sly smile. "Your boyfriend is very generous, Y/N."
I fumbled, redness immediately spreading across my face. I wanted to retort, but the idiot purposefully turned to Jongho to ask some questions.
"Haven't seen you around here before, where are you from?"
"Seoul, my work is based in the mid-city," Jongho patiently replied as barrages of questions were hurled at him.
Jongho never really stayed long in this town for people to recognize him, and even if he did, he barely went out anyway. As the conversation went on, I realized that Jongho never corrected San when he said that he was my boyfriend. It sent me into an intense mental whiplash.
"A total of ₩973,841," San stated after he was done doing his cashier things.
My heart thudded and my grip on my wallet became impossibly tight. I was on a restricted budget since the bakery isn't going to be open for a while, luckily I was good at saving, but still. I was about to open my mouth to retort but Jongho beat me to it.
"Do you accept dollars?" Jongho inquired. When San confirmed they did, he fished out a prestigious black card that everyone only dreamed of having.
Shame crept onto my face. It meant that Jongho was thriving in his career and even went international. It wasn't a surprise because Jongho had always been meant for greater things while I was still that painfully normal girl. We weren't even in the same level of status at this point.
"Stop thinking what you're thinking."
I was a bit startled when Jongho tucked a piece of my hair behind my ears. "I know you, and it's okay," he murmured. When my expression didn't relent, he sighed. "Make me dinner tonight then, but I'm telling you, I don't need anything."
I agreed. It was better than owing Jongho. He picked up all the heavy shopping bags effortlessly and San's widened eyes made me giggle. San was crazy strong, but Jongho's strength was something out of this world.
"Loaded and strong," San whistled. I blushed in embarrassment and playfully glared at San. His laughter was still ringing in my head even after we left the store.
The drive home was more peaceful this time, except for my internal turmoil. Jongho was going to live with me for God-knows-how-long.
"That cashier, your friend?" Jongho suddenly asked. "He seems nice."
"San? Yes, he is," I paused for a moment before I spoke again. "He's my ex, actually."
Jongho's brows raised in genuine surprise. "Oh? What happened?"
"Nothing," I shrugged. He side eyed me, unimpressed. "No, I'm serious. Nothing happened, which was why we broke up."
He didn't say anything, waiting for me to continue. "I met San through a mutual friend of ours. He just had his heart broken, and I was lonely, so we tried for each other. Instead of developing romance, we ended up being extremely good friends instead. It was a win-win for us."
It wasn't the entire truth. There were countless nights where San and I cried in each other's arms in desperation because we both wanted to move on and genuinely be with each other, but we just both couldn't. San's heart wasn't ready and I was still desperately in love with Jongho.
"What about you?" I asked with genuine interest. "Anyone within five years, or perhaps as of now?"
I was nervous to hear his answer, but it was only fair that I asked. "Had a few," he admitted. "None of which lasted for more than two weeks, I'm afraid. Last time I even bothered to try was three years ago."
"Why?" I bit my lip as I waited for his response, though I was a bit surprised. Jongho was shy, but he was extremely attractive so that's that.
He parked in front of the house before turning to look at me. "For the same reasons as yours," he whispered.
My heart started to beat a million miles per minute. "You don't even know mine," I frowned.
"But I do," he shook his head slowly. That darkness in his eyes was back. He stole my breath relentlessly when he grabbed my chin and tilted it towards him.
It wasn't normal; the gesture was rough and demanding. "I can see it in your eyes," he said with a small smirk. I gulped when he pressed his thumb on my bottom lip. "We were each other's anchor. You'd do best to believe that."
Jongho got out of the car and I remained frozen in my spot. That was weird, the Jongho I knew would never act like that! Just who was this man I took in for almost a week, and now, will be taking in for a couple of months?
But wait, was he implying that he can't find someone else either because he still loved me?
"Then why did you leave?" I bombarded him when I quickly ran to the house before he could do anything else.
Jongho stared at me blankly. It was uncomfortable, his eyes were the darkest I have ever seen. Without replying, he turned around and locked himself in his room.
I scoffed, tempted to pull my hair out, the nerve of this man! I might as well be talking to a wall! I decided to put all the groceries away and start on dinner.
I couldn't concentrate though, I genuinely thought we had a connection already. And his eyes, his demeanor, it was freaking me out.
Him walking out wasn't technically new, even before, he'd walk out when he didn't want to be confronted, but this was different. At least before, he used to smile and they would hold this softness to it that I never saw again in another man since he’s walked out of my life.
Dinner was silent. I made homemade ramen and I could see the surprise in his eyes. I smirked in satisfaction when his jaw hardened. He loved it but he doesn't want to admit it.
"Want to drink tonight?" Jongho blurted out all of a sudden in the middle of dinner.
Just when I thought we were strangers, he busts out things that bring me nostalgia.
"I suppose I don't mind," I shrugged. "Where?"
"Here. I bought alcohol earlier," Jongho put his dirty dishes in the sink before he turned to my confused expression. "You forgot to check the trunk, blossom. Again."
I blushed in embarrassment. Jongho and I loved drinking occasionally after dinner, we both held our alcohol well, and he has a habit of putting them in the trunk of his car instead. I don't know why, and he doesn't either.
Jongho went outside and when he came back, he was carrying two cases of soju. They were two different flavours, one for me and one for him specifically. My heart was confused if it wanted to soar or drop.
We both excitedly opened a bottle and clinked our bottles together. I couldn't hold back a smile when I began drinking. Jongho had the regular flavor, and I had the peach one. When I got another one, I couldn't open the bottle in a heated fervor.
Jongho saw my struggle and grabbed my bottle. "Really, Y/N? I have to do everything for you it seems," Jongho smirked at me as he gave me the bottle. "Think I should wipe your ass for you too?"
I squinted my eyes at him. He was definitely feeling buzzed, but so was I. "Better than doing it myself," I scoffed.
I got the shock of my life when Jongho reached out and wiped my face vigorously. My mouth drops at his grin, the nerve of this man!
I got up and walked to the fridge to get the dessert I made - homemade doughnuts - as he burst out laughing from behind me. I smiled a little, how I missed that sound coming from him. Too bad it was the alcohol acting.
"It looks like assholes," he blurted out when he got one and inspected that misshapen doughnut. I didn't mean for them to come out like that, I couldn't concentrate.
I snatched the doughnut from him. "Yeah?" I hissed. "I was thinking of you when I made them."
It was his turn to scoff, but I could see the mirth in his eyes. "Don't you think this is getting old?" Jongho smirked.
"So are you," I bit back.
This time, the comeback really made him snort and began laughing so loud that I see tears forming in his eyes. I couldn't help but laugh with him and then we were two idiots just laughing at anything and everything we see. When we stopped, all we did was look at each other and begin laughing all over again.
It was like five years ago all over again and I temporarily felt five years younger as I turned back in time with all the nostalgia flowing through my body with the alcohol.
"Remember that one time you told this kid in our class that he was weird for being right-handed?" I hiccupped, the alcohol taking its full effect on me.
Jongho turned red, if he wasn't already, and began laughing again. "Yeah, well I thought everyone was left-handed like me."
He leaned his elbow on the table and closer to me. "Remember the first time you gave me a 'love letter'?"
I was mortified and I buried my face in my hands with a loud groan. It triggered another laughing episode between the two of us. "Shut the fuck up," I groaned loudly, highly embarrassed. "I really didn't know!"
A year after we met, I already knew I loved Jongho and I knew he felt the same, but he wasn't making a move and I got extremely impatient. I wrote him a love letter and decided to put it in his jacket pocket when he wasn't looking.
Imagine my mortification when I found out that the letter was still in my purse and my sanitary pads were gone.
"You were probably so nervous, so you switched them up," he chuckled, amused by the memory even thirteen years later.
We began mellowing down and just enjoyed each other's presence. I was beginning to get woozy and halfway drunk while Jongho still looked okay, though I can tell he was restraining from getting drunk to a point like mine.
"Jongie? My baby bear?" I squeaked out, lids almost dropping down.
"Yes?" Jongho mused after he got over the initial shock of me calling him my favourite thing.
"Why did you leave me?"
He froze midway from drinking out of the soju bottle. He decided to set it back down the table and heaved a massive sigh. "I can't tell you that, blossom," he whispered, the agony of his words dampening the mood.
I swallowed, my tongue itching for one question I swore to ask him if I ever saw him again. "Did you ever love me?"
Silence. A chill in my blood traveled through my head and made me nauseous. I was coherent enough to ask and remember the next day, but I was far too gone to even care if Jongho answered or not.
"My love, you're pushing it," Jongho desperately shook his head. "Don't."
How dare he call me his love? His hypocrisy made me giggle out loud. "It's okay," I lied. "You can't break my heart like I can."
I walked every broken path for this man, fought everyone in my way just so I could have him and him I, yet when push came to shove, he was nowhere to be found.
The hurt and the pain cut deep like a razor blade. There were times that I wanted to end it, for dying felt more justifiable than not having Jongho in my life, but I was a coward; I couldn't do it.
"Hold on to me," Jongho murmured as he started to lift me from the chair and carry me to bed when I started to snooze from the alcohol.
But dying felt unnecessary, I was dead long gone before my conscious body did. Jongho knew how I'd feel if he left, and he still did it. He was content watching me wither away from afar.
He tucked me in like he usually did. He gave me a tender kiss on my head before pressing his forehead on mine. The gesture made my heart clench in my chest. He stayed like that for a while.
"Y/N?" Jongho whispered so softly. I hummed out a reply, I was too sleepy to talk. He shuts his eyes tight. "I am so sorry."
𝐀𝐔𝐆𝐔𝐒𝐓 𝟐𝟐, 𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟏
Two months with Jongho felt like a breeze. It wasn't all bad being with him. Ever since that night, we were both on edge for a while but all of that drifted apart when we relaxed a little and communicated more.
I never asked anything about his departure and his career ever again. It drove him away and even though I'm trying not to love him again, my gut always felt sick when I felt that Jongho slipped away when I asked.
Right now, summer was at its peak and I decided to work on my small garden that was directly in front of the driveway. Gardening was something I picked up from years ago to make myself busy and not think too much about Jongho.
And speak of the devil, and he shall come. I felt his presence by the door. "Is there a tech store here somewhere?" Jongho asked.
"Yeah. You know surprisingly, this town literally has everything," I giggled. "It's in the plaza near town square."
"Great. I need to upgrade my computer for my work, so I'm going out."
I froze. He's never gone out without me before, not because he liked taking me or I wanted to go, but because I wanted to show him around since, again, when we moved he wasn't here long enough to explore the town.
"H-How long are you g-going to take?" I brushed past him, not bothering to even face him, and washed my soiled hands in the sink. My heart was beating so fast in anxiety.
"Two hours, maximum. I'll pick up lunch on the way too so you don't have to cook. What do you want?"
Something ugly was beginning to rear its head inside me and I turned around to confront it with him, but for the second time, I froze.
His hair was styled into a purposeful tousle that stopped below his ears, his bangs parted in the middle. He wore this very, very tight shirt that emphasized his bulked out chest and arms. It fit him perfectly, and I swear, they were inviting me in so I can get enveloped in a welcoming embrace.
"Y/N?" Jongho's fingers were snapping to get my attention. "You okay?"
No, I wasn't. When Jongho was met with silence and my teary eyes, he sighed heavily with realization - that I was terrified at the prospect of him leaving and never coming back.
Pain shines in his eyes. He approaches me and grabs my hand to place something in it. "Keep this safe for me, okay?" Jongho murmured. He squeezed my hand and my heart squeezed along with it. "I will need it back."
When I looked down, it was the black card he uses to pay for things - which was everything at this point - and it's all he's been using. I stared at him as he wiped a lone tear from my eyes.
"I'll be back. Be a good girl," he said. Butterflies exploded in my stomach.
Suddenly his phone rang and his expression changed into relief, like he had been expecting that call. It's probably work. Jongho grabbed the back of my head gently and pulled towards him so he could kiss the top hastily before he left.
I stood on the same spot for well over half an hour after. I could still feel the ghost of his kiss on my head and in a daze, I inspected the heavy card. It looked like an ordinary card, but when I looked closer, it was thick, like there was something inside it...
I shook my head. No, Y/N, you need to sleep," I muttered to myself as I laid down on the couch
Soon enough I fell into a short slumber. It was one of those situations where I know I'm asleep but my mind can't stop working. I was scared to hear those screams again.
For the last two months, I've been waking up every single day in a cold sweat because in my dreams, I could hear Jongho scream for help. I felt so helpless every time because my body can't move and I can't seem to find the source of his anguished voice.
I hated nighttime, I hated closing my eyes because it's where he would haunt me the most.
"You excited?"
I nodded with unmatched enthusiasm. "Of course Jongie bear," I giggled. "I don't think we've ever gone out on a date by the beach before..."
It was beautiful. I could my skin crawl with excitement as I stared at the bluest waves, the finest sand against my feet, and the saltiest smell of the ocean before us.
"My blossom, my love, please be careful, I'm begging you," Jongho pleaded with mercy when I excitedly climbed over a railing and balanced on it. It was old with age, and thin with the constant water hitting it.
It resembled a plank more than a railing. "It's okay," I laughed, playfully rolling my eyes at my worried boyfriend. "You'd always catch me---"
Suddenly, I felt rumbling beneath me and the snap of eroded wood that you would never want to ever hear. And then I was falling to the ocean, and I couldn't swim.
But instead of water, I hit solid ground - more wood. It all happened in a split second, Jongho managed to catch up to me and toss me but he can't swim either.
"Jongho!" I screamed as I tried to grab onto his hand, but to no avail. "Jongho!"
There it was. That raw, guttural scream for help that I was forced to listen to as the love of my life slowly disappeared from my sight.
"Y/N! Help me, I can't wake her up!"
I felt someone shake my shoulder and another one try to gently pat my face in an attempt to wake me up from my nightmare. When I opened my eyes, I was met with sighs of relief and a comforting hug.
"You can't scare us like that!" Wooyoung squawked as he let go of my face.
Someone wiped my tears and I realized I was in someone's arms. "I've never seen you like that," Mingi admitted, rubbing my arms for comfort. "You just kept screaming."
"Drink this..."
I greedily took the water that San gave me and gulped the whole thing in one go. My head pounded, the four of us were so close that they just barged in without knocking to hang out, especially now since we're trapped in town with nothing to do.
"Thank you," I murmured.
Mingi was in some of my classes in high school and we were both surprised when we both saw each other move here. He introduced me to sweet Wooyoung and he claimed that I was his 'best friend' and I just went along with him. He was the mutual friend that introduced me to San.
I got out of Mingi's hold and paced back and forth in my living room. "I was screaming?" I was confused. "Was I screaming anything?"
The three of them looked at each other with hesitant faces. The atmosphere in the room got tense, and I frowned. "What?" I joked. "Please tell me I wasn't saying something embarrassing."
"No, you weren't," Wooyoung pursed his lips. "You were screaming Jongho's name over and over again."
It was like a time bomb set into motion, like that song. Truth be told, that dream was the scariest I've had of Jongho so far.
"Your ex?" San frowned. "I thought you had a boyfriend?"
Mingi and Wooyoung's head snapped towards me in record speed, both of their eyes wide in utmost shock. Betrayal coated their features and I gasped softly, I haven't told them about Jongho living with me!
"That big ass guy reminds me of a bear," San chuckled, unaware of my glare at him. "He always comes every other day to buy your favourite snacks."
Jongho had always been attentive. Obviously, my taste in food has changed in five years, but still, he just knew what I liked.
"Ya, we were supposed to tell everything to each other, you traitor," Wooyoung fake sulked.
"Do we know who it is?" Mingi wondered.
I froze. Mingi was dead spot on; he did know Jongho because of our classes, but I've never shown both San and Wooyoung what Jongho looked like because there was simply no need. All they needed to know was my pain.
"You might," San beamed, making me glare at him harder. "Though I haven't seen him before until a couple of months back..."
I was about to retort something to try and wiggle myself out of this sticky situation, when I heard the keys and the doorknob jiggling.
"Why are there so many shoes out here? Y/N?" Jongho's voice grumbled from outside. Shit, shit!
But it was too late. When Jongho entered, his body tensed with mild surprise at two grown adult men smiling ear to ear at him. Mingi's jaw slacked open and he turned to look at me.
"Ah, that's him," San grinned. "Hello, Y/N's boyfriend!"
"Hello, San," Jongho curtly replied in true Jongho fashion. I can tell he was getting annoyed with the onslaught of attention.
It was something that never changed with him - he hated interacting with people he didn't know. He looked around and his eyes widened for a fraction of a second before he composed himself.
"You? Mingi seethed. Wooyoung and San were surprised at the animosity but I wasn't because this was a long time coming.
Mingi charged quickly at Jongho before anyone could stop him and grabbed him by the collar. "You're a piece of work, aren't you?"
Jongho was taken aback a bit, but a nasty smirk covers his face and I can tell Mingi immediately faltered. "Am I?" Jongho taunted.
"What the hell is going on? You know each other?" Wooyoung frowned. He protectively put me behind him. "Stay here for now, okay?"
San took the initiative to try and break them. "Mingi! What are you doing?" San panicked a bit. "He's not bothering you, let go of him!"
Jongho laughed menacingly, his eyes getting sharper and his aura darkening before my very eyes. "You lot are the ones who are bothersome right now."
San's eyes widened and was visibly taken aback at Jongho's venomous attitude and Mingi's hands noticeably loosened its grip.
"How are you, Mingi?" Jongho patted Mingi's back threateningly with a smirk. "Miss me?"
"Bastard!" Mingi spat and harshly shoved Jongho away from him.
"Stop it!" Wooyoung hissed as he rubbed my arms in comfort. "Can you guys not do this in front of Y/N?"
Jongho quickly regained his footing but not before San tried to help him. Jongho roughly shoved San off of him. "Woah, woah buddy," San put his arms in defense. "I'm just---"
"Get away from him," Mingi gritted his teeth and pointed at Jongho. San, being the helpful person he is, refused until Mingi spoke. "You have one minute to explain why you're here, Choi Jongho."
San gasped and his arms turned limp from his sides. "What did you say?" he hissed, pointing vehemently at a bored looking Jongho. "This is your ex?"
Everyone turned to look at me, even Wooyoung. I looked down at the floor in shame and I nodded. Mingi marched towards me and grabbed my arm to go to the other corner of the room while the other three tried to settle in.
Jongho's eye twitched as he turned to look at San. "Why didn't you tell me?" San snarled.
"You never asked," Jongho scoffed. "I've been paying with my card with my name on it and you never saw?"
"So," Mingi turned to me with his arm crossed. I sheepishly smiled at him but it wasn't working. "When are you going to tell us that you're back with your ex?"
"I-I wasn't!" I sputtered out at his bluntness.
"Jongho sure as hell ain't denying it," Mingi deadpanned. "What have you gotten yourself into?"
"Nothing," I shook my head. "He won't be here for long anyway."
It pained me to say it, but it was true. Mingi bit his lip in apprehension. "And how do you feel about that? Do you still love him?"
I froze. It wasn't something I thought about ever since he came along two months ago. "I don't know," I admitted, much to Mingi's dismay.
"Goddamn it, Y/N," he cursed. "You're setting yourself up for failure, and this time, it might hurt more."
When Mingi and I got back, Wooyoung and Jongho were in a heated verbal match with San interjecting a piece of his mind occasionally.
"You should have never come back," Wooyoung hissed, his attitude rivaling Jongho's. "And then what? You're going to leave again?"
Jongho's eyes blazed. "Watch your tongue or have it cut from your head."
I choose to sit between Jongho and Wooyoung so they won't have a fist fight. "Jongho, please stop," I pleaded. "You're making it worse."
Jongho glared at Wooyoung, his eyes focused and unblinking. At first, Wooyoung stood his ground and stared back, but when Jongho grinned and bared his teeth, Wooyoung caved in and crumbled.
"You don't scare me," Wooyoung mumbled - a total lie.
"And I don't like you," Jongho scoffed arrogantly.
My eyes widened. Five years ago, Jongho was never this straightforward and I could tell Mingi was a bit taken aback too. Wooyoung squawked at the admission.
"I don't like you either," Wooyoung huffed. "You hurt my best friend!"
The whole afternoon was spent with San and Wooyoung arguing with Jongho back and forth, but I couldn't shake off what Mingi said. Jongho showed no signs of wanting to up and leave but what's to say that he's only biding his time until the bridge is done.
I shuddered. It was possible. With Jongho, the future is uncertain and nothing is set in stone.
"Forgive me for saying this," San said sarcastically. "We were here when you upped and left Y/N."
"Exactly," Wooyoung interjected. "You can't just show up like nothing ever happened!"
"I hate to say it, Jongho, but they're right," Mingi shrugged.
Jongho leaned forward. There was an unmistakable gleam of cynicism in his eyes. "So," he began. "You mean to tell me that all of you are opposed to me staying here?"
"Yes," all three of them said at the same time.
Jongho nodded. "Fantastic. I shall stay longer, then."
He stood up and made his way to his bedroom with all of our mouths agape with his audacity. "Call me when you've kicked these cretins out, I'm going to take a nap," he told me before he shut the door.
"What?!" Wooyoung screeched as he stood up from the couch so fast, I got a whiplash. "That bastard!"
It took a while but I had managed to convince these three that I was going to be fine. The moment they all left, I managed to let out the breath that I didn't even realize I was holding. The cat's out of the bag now, so that's one less thing to worry about.
I knocked softly on Jongho's door to see if he was okay, but there was no response, so I'm assuming he fell asleep.
Bored, I plopped down the couch and turned the television on. The last time I turned this on was when I was watching out for the storm and it was still as mundane as ever. I shook my head as I flipped through channels.
Finally, I managed to settle on one that's watchable enough. Animal Kingdom. Fine, I could live with that. I groaned hard when a commercial came in, but instead of the regular commercials, this was a newscast.
"Coming all the way from our Korean Intelligence Agency live is Deputy Director Jeong..."
I frowned. Now that I think about it, there was this ongoing case of a well-known mafia in the city that the government was trying to take down. I raised the volume up to hear.
"Sir, would you say that we are close to solving this? And what about the infamous bank heist by the south of Seoul?"
Now that caught my attention. Jongho used to work in that bank when we were still starting out our relationship.
"We are doing our very best. We are closer than ever to---"
I was confused when the television suddenly turned black. I looked behind me and Jongho was glaring holes at the television as he held the remote control.
"You should go to sleep," he said, voice tight. "It's getting late."
I didn't know how to react. This wasn't the first time that Jongho turned off either my television or his car radio when we drove somewhere.
Deep down, I knew he was hiding something. I'm not foolish enough to not speculate. "I'm not sleepy yet," I said. "Would you like to watch something else with me then?"
"No," Jongho gritted his teeth. I jumped a bit on how harsh his voice had become.
But something in me snapped. "Choi Jongho," I marched towards him until I was directly on his face. "I understand perfectly well that you have problems with your career or whatever, after all, you left me for it."
Jongho's lips twist into a sneer and then he scoffs, but I cut him off. "I don't deserve this, this is my house," I stood my ground. "You can't act like you own it when you haven't even told me why!"
"Your house?" Jongho growled in anger, his tongue pressing against cheek in arrogance. "My name is still in the deed."
"So what?" I retorted with equal arrogance. "I'm the one who made this a home rather than just a place to sleep in!"
"I'm not telling you anything, we've talked about this!" Jongho raised his voice in frustration as he turned to walk away from me. "Why are you so dead set on finding out?"
"Are you hearing yourself?" I screeched. "We belonged to each other at one point, the least you could do is tell me!"
"How much of me are you willing to take?" Jongho banged his palms on the dining table, the sound of it echoing in the distance. "There's nothing left for you to take, don't you understand?"
"Why are you acting like this is my fault?" I screamed in frustration. "I've taken your bullshit for you! You have no respect!"
I also went to the table and banged my hands on it as well, just to show that he can't push me around like he used to. "Give me your reason!"
"Because I hate that I need you! Then, and right now," Jongho confessed in one breath.
My arms went limp at the revelation of his thoughts all along. When Jongho looked at me again, his eyes rimmed red as his chest rose up and down
When we were young, Jongho was my solace - my salvation, my everything. In another life, we could have had children by now, we could have been that couple that grew old and gray. But the truth was right here in front of me, I was the only one to ever have these dreams.
He'd made up his choice a long time ago, I was the only one holding on to a distant memory. This one hurt far worse than when Jongho left, because right now, I can't drive a nail through his mistakes.
"Y/N, please," Jongho's voice brought me out of that darkness. He still sounded angry, but he also sounded desperate.
His hand reaches out to cup my face and his thumb strokes my skin. "You're the only thing that's keeping me alive. Please, go to sleep."
𝐀𝐔𝐆𝐔𝐒𝐓 𝟑𝟏, 𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟏
I awoke to cold sweat again, the stickiness of it uncomfortable with how my shirt had clung to my skin. I sighed, another nightmare.
There were nights I fell asleep only because I got too tired from staying awake. I couldn't concentrate much when I woke up from the lack of sleep and it was concerning me.
Jongho and I haven't been on speaking terms for a week or so. His words had plagued my mind since then, but that's not what woke me up tonight.
The screams were back. Jongho's screams in my head were back.
With a heavy sigh and a massive headache, I got up from my bed and left the room to grab a glass of water. I didn't even bother putting on pants, I knew Jongho wouldn't be out in the dead of night.
"Get away from me..."
I paused midway from the glass touching my lips. I looked around, spooked that I was hearing things that I wasn't supposed to because of the sleep deprivation. I waited a little to see if I was going to hear something again.
"Please!"
A high-pitched, grating scream resounded from the entire house and I dropped the glass in shock. The sound of the glass breaking got drowned out from, yet again, another guttural scream.
At first, I thought someone from outside was asking for help and their voice was loud enough to filter in the house, but when another scream resounded, I gasped and slapped my hands over my mouth in a heartbreaking discovery.
It was the same scream in my dreams. The scream was coming from Jongho's room, and all this time, it was never a dream.
"Jongho?" I worriedly knocked on his door. My knocks got louder and louder, more frantic, when he didn't respond. "Jongho, please!"
His repeated screams pierced my heart. I tried everything I could as I screamed his name in urgency - punching the door, jiggling the doorknob, even kicking the door even though I knew it would be fruitless - but nothing.
An idea popped in my head and I quickly acted upon it. Tears started freely flowing from my eyes pathetically as my hands shook too much from finding the right key in Jongho's room. All this time, Jongho was having nightmares and I didn't even realize or help.
"Fuck, fuck!" I hissed when I dropped the keys. No matter what I did, I couldn't stop my shaking hands.
I almost tripped on my feet when I quickly rushed into the bedroom. My heart broke when I looked at Jongho. He was contorted into an odd angle onto himself, his face red and his entire body sweating. He had no shirt on, but I couldn't even care about that right now.
"Jongho, love, please wake up," I tried shaking him gently so he wouldn't freak out when he woke up, but when that didn't work, I tried again.
I burst out in pitiful tears when Jongho let out an anguished groan. His voice was agonizing, primal even, and my heart couldn't handle seeing him like this.
"Jongho, come on now, wake up," I tapped his beautiful face a little harder this time. But that also didn't do anything.
In desperation, I peppered his face with little kisses while also shaking him. "Jongho!" I said out loud since gentle methods didn't work. But nothing.
What did work was when I thumped my fists on his hard chest. It was my turn to scream when Jongho suddenly grabbed me and flipped me on the bed so he was on top of me. He started choking me in a blinded rage and I clawed his hands in a panic.
"J-Jongho, i-it's me," I coughed, wheezing as I felt the oxygen leave my body. "B-Baby bear, p-please..."
The light seemed to come back to his eyes and they slowly melted from this hallucination to something more sentient. I took a big gulp of breath when he let go and wheezed uncontrollably. Jongho's horrified face put two and two together when he stared at the red marks on my neck.
"Oh God," he choked. He hurriedly grabbed my shoulders as he smoothed my hair out of my face so he could see. "I am so, so sorry, are you okay?"
I nodded and unconsciously held onto his arm. "Are you okay?" I worriedly asked.
"For fuck's sake, love, can you please try and worry about yourself for once? I choked you, for crying out loud!" Jongho said, irritation lacing his features.
"I'm good, seriously, I expected it," I assured him truthfully. I pressed a hand to his face and caressed it. "How are you feeling?"
His body froze at the gesture and a storm started to brew in his eyes as he hesitated to move. I bit my lip and nodded. It looked like a huge weight was lifted off of his shoulders as he closed his eyes and nuzzled his face in my hands.
A realization started to slowly dawn on me. The fear I felt as Jongho slowly slipped from my fingers just now was the proof of my love for him.
The intimacy of our setup right now also slowly dawns on me. A chill went up my spine when Jongho kissed my palm. The chill further down and I almost cursed when I realized that I was only wearing my shirt and my panties, no bra.
Jongho seemed to realize it at the same time. He slowly traced my skin with his eyes from my legs, my stiff nipples, and my face. I wasn't faring any better - Jongho's toned chest was up my face. I gulped, he was much bigger than I remembered him to be.
"May I?" Jongho tugged my shirt. When I nodded and raised my arms, Jongho hastily took my shirt off.
His breath hitched as he looked at me over, the desire in his eyes overpowering the nightmares that plagued his mind.
He hovered over me as I laid down flatly on the bed. I let out a breathy moan when he started to kiss the sweet spots on my neck as his rough hand gently kneaded my tits. I whispered his name directly in his ear when he rolled my nipples in between his fingers.
"You know," he pulled away to spread my legs so he could go in between them. "This was my favourite position when I was with you."
It caught me off guard. I blushed at his crudeness and straightforwardness. "Why?" I asked.
"Because," he began. I gasped when he humped my clothed pussy. "The way I could go deeper in you always made my head spin, especially when I see your fucked out face when you're close."
My eyes widened. Sure, back then, Jongho would talk dirty, but he never talked this dirty. I couldn't hold back a loud moan when he humped particularly hard against me.
He leaned down directly to my ear and whispered sensually. "But I especially love when you scream my name when you beg me to make you come."
"Kiss me," I blurted out.
Jongho growled before he held the back of my head and pulled my lips to his. It was passionate, but at the same time, filthy. It was years and years of longing and want. I felt wetness down there when I felt his hard cock twitch inside his sweatpants.
"Jongho," I moaned as I tried to pull away, but he kept trying to chase my lips with his. "Jongho..."
"Mmm," he complained in between his kisses. It took everything in me not to keep going.
"Maybe we should stop," I squealed when his hand brushed against my inner thigh and pussy.
"We should," he agreed, his voice hoarse with want. "One more and I will."
This time, he claimed my lips stronger. He groaned in my mouth when I pulled on his hair as we both blindly touched each other in random places. But eventually, Jongho had to reluctantly break the kiss.
One thing that never did change was his sweetness and aftercare. He put my shirt back on and we both laid down next to each other with his arm around me and my head on his chest.
"I've been having these nightmares for a while," Jongho said out loud all of a sudden. "I've done...things I will regret for the rest of my life."
He kissed the top of my head. "Things you don't want to know."
He was right. If it's supposed to be like this, then I don't want to know what's bothering him because the more he dives into it, the more I get hurt seeing him fight the demons I don't even dare expose myself to.
"I'm trying to help you," I said, despite my thoughts. "It always seems like you're always running away."
"Maybe because I am," he sighed. "I've been a prisoner in my own hands for a while now."
"I'm sorry," was all I could say. I wanted to say that he wasn't the only one; I've been trapped and enslaved in my own mind for so long that I'm surprised that I haven't lost my mind yet.
When Jongho didn't say anything else, I slowly got up from his hold. I already missed his warmth. "I should get going so you can rest," I mumbled.
When my feet were close to touching the floor, I felt his hands hold on my arm to stop me. "Wait," Jongho whispered.
I was taken aback by how soft his voice was, especially if I was comparing it from a week ago when we had that argument. He pulled me to his lap, his head nuzzling the corner of my neck. I blushed profusely, I didn't even feel this way when we made out.
"Stay," his muffled voice requested as his hug became tighter. "I need you right now."
"Jongho," I whined softly. There was nothing left to say, we were blurring the lines between a host helping an old friend out. I bit my lip, to be fair, we already blurred that line earlier when we made out.
"Just for tonight," he bargained. "Then we can ignore each other again tomorrow."
I know I shouldn't. The logical part of my ego is aware that this was a terrible idea, but the emotional part of my psyche wants me to give myself to my desires just this once.
I crawled out of his lap and positioned myself comfortably on the bed. "How can I go back to ignoring you after this?" I mumbled as he started to spoon me.
"You don't," he answered. "It was hell to know you're here with me but refused to talk."
I hummed. "You know it was your fault right?"
"Yes," he admitted. "Let's catch up on some sleep now, okay?"
"Are you insane?!" I buried my face in my hands. "Don't scare me like that ever again!"
Jongho laughed, his face breaking out into the most beautiful ray of sunshine as he smoothed his wet hair out of his face. He hugged me as tears started to flow from my eyes.
"Hush now, I'm sorry. I didn't think you'd react this bad," he rubbed my back for added comfort.
"Are you kidding?" I sniffled, shuffling my feet to turn and point at the spot where Jongho had fallen by the ocean as a prank. "That scream you'd let out, I thought that was the end of you, you bastard!"
"I'm so sorry," he chuckled at my pouty face. He pouted, how could I resist him? "Let's go swimming properly now, okay? This beach is perfect for us."
I just knew after that, that I will never hear that scream ever again.
My eyes flew open for absolutely no reason this time. My heart was beating out of control when I did. I didn't feel good, I'm about to throw up.
Something was very wrong. There was a sense of impending doom looming over me that I can't explain.
Or maybe I'm just too exhausted and paranoid. I moved my hand to hug Jongho for comfort but my heart could burst out of my ribcage when all my hands touched were pillows and blankets.
I could feel tears forming in my eyes faster than my mind could comprehend as I rose up quickly from the bed. I did it so fast that blood rushed towards my head and it rendered me nauseous. I almost cursed when I tripped on my two feet, but no matter, I had to find Jongho.
There was only one thing in my mind - had he left me again?
It was definitely a panic attack rising. The room was spinning, the overwhelming doom and desperation was making me function, but it was difficult. What might be something as innocent as Jongho maybe using the bathroom had distorted into something horrifying in my mind.
It's terror, it's shame, it's desperation and it's death all at once.
"You know they're just going to find you, correct?"
I rejoiced at the voice I heard, but all that doom came rushing back when I realized that the voice did not belong to my beloved.
"Of course, I do. You play me for a fool."
That was Jongho, but the way he spoke terrified me. I quickly rushed to the backyard when I realized that the voices belonged there, but I stopped when I took a quick peek at the window overlooking there. My heart dropped, I wasn't expecting anything, but I definitely wasn't expecting another man to be with Jongho.
"What do you want?" Jongho snarled lowly, his voice taking a darker turn. "It must be important if you made your unwelcome presence known."
The man laughed heartily. "Oh Jongho, straightforward as always," he smirked. "Fear not, I won't take long. How's life as a domesticated man?"
"You shut your fucking mouth, or I'll make sure you never talk again," Jongho hissed. He took a step of two towards the man, who didn't even flinch. Rather, he looked amused, like he knew Jongho wouldn't go through with it.
As for me, I felt freezing water pour over me as the cold reality of what Jongho said rang through my head. My Jongho was sweet and kind, and this man in front of me was not him.
"Feisty," the man grinned sadistically. "You know I love that fire inside of you. Quite a shame that you don't want to be something more."
I didn't move or even breathe. More than what? Something tells me I wasn't supposed to be listening to this.
"You say that as if it's such a bad thing," Jongho smirked.
"It's not," the man admitted. "But for the life we lead, it can be."
"Cut the crap, Hongjoong. Tell me what you want."
"Say 'please' and I'll think about it."
Jongho's laugh afterwards made my body rigid. It was sinister - evil. This was the man who bared his heart and soul to me last night, and he wasn't one for feelings to begin with. I never thought I'd get scared of Jongho, until now.
I strained my ears when they talked in hushed tones. I couldn't hear any but if I moved even an inch, I might get discovered. If this was the choice that Jongho made after he left me, then God bless us all.
"In all seriousness," the man - Hongjoong - spoke. "That's all I know. I won't tell anyone you're here, but if I were you, I would do something about it."
"You think I give a fuck about all of this?" Jongho snapped, his loud voice piercing through the night. He looked nothing short of terrifying. "Do not lie to me, I'm the worst person you can lie to and you know it."
"Or you could just call it quits. You know what to do," Hongjoong tilted his head in amusement. He reminded me of an undertaker for some reason.
I gasped but quickly covered my mouth with my shaking hands. My heart stopped beating for a bit as I watched Jongho hold out a gun and point the other end at Hongjoong, whose expression changed from amused to irritated.
"Or you can tell me what you know or I'll put a hole on your head and look for it, myself," Jongho threatened, his hold on the gun firm and absolute.
"I wouldn't do that if I were you," Hongjoong's lips curl to a taunting sneer. "What would she say? What's her name again? Y/N?"
Flashes of memories go through my head one by one. I still remember the day we first kissed. Jongho was so shy at that time he didn't even want to look at me. It was slow, sweet, and sure. I also remember the first time we laid under the stars and watched the shooting star. My wish back then was for Jongho to stay the way he is. And he told me he would.
What a terrible lie that had been. The Jongho I knew held my hands, not the cold barrel of a pistol.
"Keep her out of this," Jongho snarled, his hands clearly shaking from where I was with rage. "No mafia is going to stop me from destroying all of you if you involve her, so whatever you're thinking, think again."
“You’re the one who should think twice, Jongho,” Hongjoong hissed as he tips the gun away from his face with his. “We have an audience.”
My heart exploded then and there when Hongjoong’s eyes met mine. He was smirking, but there was a hint of regret in his eyes, something he didn’t hide. How did he know I was here? Had he known I was eavesdropping all this time? It was as if he wanted me to hear everything.
Jongho visibly stiffened before he turned to also look at me with disbelieving eyes. I couldn’t help the tears that threatened to fall from my eyes - he looked utterly defeated and devastated at the sight of me. It was the face of a man whose whole world was falling right before his very eyes.
There was only one expression I could give him - fear.
“Blossom,” Jongho croaked as he dropped his gun, as if it disgusted him, but we both knew it didn’t. “I can explain…”
Before I knew it, I was running away from the scene - away from Jongho - like if I pretended that I wasn’t there, then surely none of those happened. I ran as fast as I with my wobbling legs as I heard the back door swing open and slam close, signaling that Jongho was here.
I felt like free falling, what had my beloved become? Who was this criminal living with me? What had he dragged me into now that there was someone like Hongjoong who knew I existed and how important I was to Jongho? I was no fool, despite my emotions, I knew what their conversation insinuated.
And then the regret came. If I had held onto Jongho a little tighter five years ago, would he be the same person I once knew? If I had just searched for him a little harder back then, would I have pulled him away from this darkness that clouded him?
It hurt seeing the love of my life transform into something I knew he wasn’t.
I screamed bloody murder when I felt a hand hold my arm like a vice, refusing to let go. “Y/N, look at me,” he demanded with the same authoritative voice he used outside. When he saw the fear in my eyes, he softened.
“No, Jongho, get away from me!” I cried out as I tried to pull my arm away, but it only resulted in him holding them tighter. “Jongho!”
“No,” he growled. “We’re going to talk---Y/N!”
Somehow, through pure adrenaline, I was able to twist my arm free from him to quickly enter my room and lock the door shut. My heart was about to fly out of my ribcage with the emotions I was feeling and I didn’t even know which one to acknowledge first.
“Y/N! Open the fucking door!” Jongho shouted as he violently rammed on the door like it was a punching bag. “You better not let me catch you once I break this fucking door! Open it!”
I broke down sobbing as all the energy left my body. I sank down by the corner of my room, burying my face in my knees while I covered my ears with both my hands to block out Jongho’s violent rage outside the door. Each bang had me jumping out of my skin, the terrifying sound rattling my head.
This wasn’t my Jongho, I kept chanting to myself like a crazed person, but I can’t deny it any longer.
I knew this wasn't him the moment he stepped inside the house. He was different - he was angrier, more temperamental, soulless - and all this time, I kept making excuses for him, but I can’t anymore.
I screamed in terror when the doorknob was kicked with force and Jongho used that opportunity to slam the door open. When he tried to march towards me, I screamed again as I backed away.
“Don’t come near me!” I sobbed pitifully, my shaking legs almost giving out from the weight of my emotions.
Jongho looked devastated. He kept reaching out to me but all I did was back away and shout at him. “Please, love, please,” his voice cracked. “I’m not going to hurt you, please don’t look at me like that…”
“Like what?” I glared at him as I felt my blood pressure rise to a dangerous level. Something in him snapped with how mad I sounded.
"Like I'm vile," he spat, his glare leveling mine. "Like I'm a monster. You don't know anything, so quit it."
I scoffed loudly. It ticked him off but I didn't stop. I feel like I was slowly losing myself to this massive disconnect from reality. I am losing my mind.
"Does the man become the monster, or the monster become man?" Uncontrollable tears were now falling from my eyes. Something snapped and all I saw was red.
But I wasn't the only one. "Yeah, you think you're smart?" Jongho laughed out loud like the maniac he had become in my eyes. It was the type that seeped through my bones. "You want to know what I did? You really want to know?"
Without breaking eye contact, he pulled out the same gun I saw earlier and he disassembled it right in front of me. He wasn't gentle with it either, he was rough; deliberate. I nearly jumped out of my skin when he slammed the remnants of it by the bedside table I had.
"I've used this far too many times that I can remember," he hissed. "You think that this is some sort of game that I can just pause just because this life isn't going according to what you want right now? You think that this world revolves around you?"
He spat on the ground as I felt the sinews of my heart break. "Did you honestly think I was that same man you knew before, Y/N? Did you honestly think that we could ever go back to being the same?"
"You said it yourself, didn't you?" I snapped. "There was nothing left to take---"
"So hate me for the things I've done!" Jongho raised his voice before he rubbed his face, frenzied. "But not for what I've now become."
I was at a loss for words, taken aback with how frantic we both had become in each other's presence. "We're basically strangers now," I gritted my teeth. "You have no right to talk about this like you're the victim!"
Jongho's face melted into something of concern when he realized that my sanity was slowly slipping away from me. I laughed, and then I laughed some more, and then I cried. I cried so hard even Jongho was surprised at all the hurt I was holding in.
"Everybody kept telling me to move on, to find someone else when they see how lonely I've become," I took a deep breath, but all that did was strengthen my resolve to break something. "They don't get it, I physically, mentally cannot move on."
"I gave you five years to do it," Jongho said as if it was so simple. Everything stopped all at once, except for the
That did it. I screamed, that spiral within me surging my voice to let out all the pain, the anger, the melancholy. The need to hit and destroy something became so overwhelming and worst of all, I had no idea how to let it all out.
"I hate you!" I wailed as I swiped everything I saw - glass, paper, furniture - anything. Jongho tried to go to me but all I did was hit him in the chest. "I hate you! You don't know, Choi Jongho, I was driven to madness with denial, you make me fucking sick!"
He narrowly avoided me as I tried to lunge at him. "Stop this!" Jongho hissed. I can feel the anger in me start to form. All the denial, the hate, was overtaking me.
I tried to thrash away in panic when I felt Jongho's hands steady me, the remorse and sorrow evident on his face, because he knows - he knows that he did this to me. He drove me to my insanity.
"Shh, baby, please," Jongho shushed as he tried to hold me, but my adrenaline was stronger than the both of us. "It's okay, shh, I'm sorry, I'm here now---"
"No!" I shrieked, my throat not being able to take it. I punched, kicked, scratched at anything, my vision was black. "You killed what was left of the good in me! Let me go!"
"I got you, my love, I got you," Jongho hushed me like I was a child that needed comfort and reaffirmation. "Just like that, let it out on me..."
My screams were muffled when Jongho brought me to his chest. He held my arms behind me for good measure and it was when everything came crashing down. I sobbed pitifully in the arms of the very man I swore to love and hate for as long as I lived.
"You're doing good, baby, let it out," Jongho rubbed all over my back. "Everything's going to be okay..."
"Jongho, please," I begged as he kissed the top of my head over and over again. "I'm so exhausted, please let me be broken..."
"How?" he whispered. "You're not broken, stop saying that."
I couldn't feel my body when Jongho laid me down on the bed. All I did was stare at the ceiling while he leaned his head on my chest. He stayed like that for a while, unmoving.
"Stay here," he murmured. I saw his misty eyes when I got up, but he tried his very best to hide it from me. Was he crying for me or was it for the burden I caused him?
I laid there for what felt like forever, the dissociation of my body from my conscious mind weighing heavily in my mind. Everything hurts - my body, my heart, my soul, Jongho. Shame trickled but I couldn't seem to care right now. I had just temporarily lost my mind on Jongho, how was I supposed to look him in the eye again?
All the things I've said, I can't take them back. Not that I would, everything I said was the God-honest truth.
So hate me for the things I've done, but not for what I've now become.
But I could never, ever hate him. It was such a sad way to live, because I knew I'd still love him from the bottom of my heart even if he's worse than a monster. I would take all of him and more, I would give him all of me just so he can always have more backups in case he ever felt empty.
I would kill for him. That's how much I loved him.
"I'm going to bathe you," he said rather than ask when he came back. "We can either do it here so you wouldn't have to walk, or we can go to the bathroom."
I stopped the urge to smile. Leave it to this man to still stay sane and rational even after a horrible mental crisis. I shook my head, indicating that I had no interest in walking, and he took that queue to start undressing me.
There was nothing malicious about it as he stripped me naked. He was deadest focused on soothing me and making me feel better by using the basin and damp cloth on my body. But why did it make me feel worse?
"Was it something I did?" I whispered. I was treading on dangerous waters here. "Was it my fault that you left me?"
While I knew I didn't influence Jongho directly on his decisions, I can't help but believe that everything was my fault as to why he'd turn into the darker side of life. "Where did I go wrong?"
He paused from dabbing the cloth on my chest. I didn't realize how close he was until he looked me straight in the eye. "Is that how you see it?" he asked, his breath fanning my lips as he tucked a stray hair from my face. "You think that this was your fault?"
Fresh set of tears flowed down my eyes, but instead of anger, they were from the loss of out blossoming love. "If not me, then who?" I smiled through them. "C-Can you tell me if there was something that I needed to change in myself back then?"
It stung to ask it, but I had to. Grief passed through Jongho's eyes as he completely stopped what he was doing. It made my heart ache because I've never seen him look this sad before. He set down the cloth back in the basin and he got into the bed beside me.
He grabbed my chin to make me look at him. "I hate that it seemed you were never enough," he pursed his lips. "Nothing I can do will ever put all your tears back in your eyes, but I can assure you, you were perfect."
In that split second before his touch, every nerve in my body and brain was awakened. It's the anticipation of being together in a way that's more than words - in a way that's so completely tangible. The tension was palpable.
"Then tell me all the things that you regret," I coaxed with gentle persuasion as his hand traveled all over my naked body. He hissed, like he was now just realizing that I was in my naked glory right in front of him.
Jongho shook his head. "The regrets are useless in my mind," he murmured, his breathing laboured. "But if I must confess, you never left my damn mind for five years. I never hated that I needed you."
"And if I'm being honest," Jongho leaned in to give my shoulders sweet kisses. "I'm not over you. Never will be."
I tried to cover my modesty by putting my arms on my chest, not that he hasn't seen anything before. He grabbed my hand firmly and set it down. "Don't," he warned.
The way he stared at me had me mesmerized. I've seen this look, but I never noticed how intense they were. His eyes could burn me down, and it was everything I ever needed and wanted. but at the same time, it was the sanest out of all the madness and possessiveness he held.
Jongho was my drug, I realized. I was instantly intoxicated. "You're going to break me," I blurted out before I could stop myself.
Jongho's arms wrapped around my back and in one touch, everything was over. "Then I'm going to make sure I break you in the best way possible."
Our bodies still fit together even after all these years; our lips molded with each other. I was never meant to win - I need him but if I give in, then I lose everything. But losing everything seemed so little in comparison.
I feel his hand wrap around my hair and tug it lightly and it makes me sigh a little in between our kisses. "I love the little sounds you make," he murmured as he tugged my hair harder. He tugged it so hard, my head fell backwards.
"Jongho," I groaned at the inexplicable pleasure the pain brought.
My hands tightened their grip on his shirt as his hands traveled everywhere, each touch igniting a fire that cannot be extinguished. "You've always been mine," I felt his hand move from my cheeks to my mouth. "Even if you were with someone else, you were still mine. Tell me, did you let anyone touch you?"
I was at a loss for words. His thick, veiny hands suddenly wrapped itself around my throat, his eyes were cold as his gaze remained determined. I squeaked when Jongho tightened the choke. The pleasure was insurmountable. We've never had it rough during our time together and the very thought of happening now made my stomach churn in excitement.
"No," I breathed out. "Only you."
"That's right," he chuckled darkly. I let out a soft squeal when he licked a stripe on my exposed neck. "God knows what I'd do if I found out you did. Nobody touches my whore but me, yes?"
I felt a small tingle at the base of my spine and I let them spread all over my body. I bit my lip, highly turned on, and it didn't escape Jongho's attention. He smirked, a wicked look that overtook his soft features.
"Aw, is my little slut wet?" he mocked as his hand slowly went down and down. I whined when he stopped directly above my pubic area. He laughed when I tried to gyrate my hips up, but Jongho deliberately pushed me down. "Ah ah ah," he grinned sadistically. "You're not getting off unless I say so, got it?"
"Then what the hell are we doing this for?" I snapped.
The moment I said those, I instantly regretted it. His eyes widened at my defiance before he snapped out of it and roughly grabbed my cheeks and squeezed it. It whined because it hurt but it only encouraged him to squeeze even tighter.
”You misunderstand something,” he began. “I have no problem leaving you here dripping while you beg for your hole to get fucked, but let’s get one thing straight.”
His words sent a chill through me, and his voice was this smooth, dangerously low tone, but it was sharp and firm. “You’re mine. You know what that means? I get to do whatever I want with you. You just have to say ‘yes’.”
I know I shouldn’t as this was far from my personality, but I was to be a brat for him just to see how he’d discipline me. “Go fuck yourself,” I hissed.
He raised a brow, smirking at the game I was playing. He begins to pull me forward as his lips finally create their mark on my skin. And then, he bit my shoulders as hard as he could. Wetness rushed through my core at the intense pain, but when he didn’t let go, I screamed in protest.
"Say you're sorry," he murmurs softly. I feel the hairs at the back of my neck rise.
"I'm not saying sor--"
My voice is cut off as he shoves two fingers into my mouth. "If you’re not going to, then I’d rather you keep your mouth shut," he sneered in that condescending tone I know so well.
His thick wet fingers slid from my mouth when he saw me tremble. He effortlessly towered over me when he laid me down and for a second, his facade fell as his eyes searched mine for permission. Despite the haze, I smiled at him, and before I knew it, his lips were on mine.
It was more intense than when we made out before. It was raw and it left both of us breathless. It could have made tears in my eyes; I could tell he was pouring all the things he couldn’t tell me in this one single kiss. I mewled when I felt his roam all over me while our tongues were tangled in a fierce battle for dominance.
I felt his hand go lower and lower until I felt that telltale pleasure I’ve been craving for. “Mmm,” I let out a breathy moan when Jongho’s finger traced my slit. “P-Please…”
”Take it then,” he groaned when he put a finger inside. My fingers grip the sheets as every thrust of his finger made me moan louder and louder.
He didn’t stay long in there but he made up for it when he began to stroke my throbbing clit. His other hand made its way up one of my swollen nipples, flicking it the same time as he did down there made me almost come undone.
’”That’s enough,” he deadpanned as he suddenly stopped and then he pulled away.
”Jongho!” I whined in frustration, pressing my thighs together to find relief, but he grabbed them so I wouldn’t be able to do anything. The only sign that he was into this like I am was the big tent on his crotch.
I blushed profusely. Years and years of pent up sexual frustration was getting to me, and now that Jongho was right here in front of me watching me almost beg for his cock, the feeling was exhilarating.
“Come here,” he growled. I squealed when he suddenly spread my legs and got in between them.
It was embarrassing but I couldn’t even think of that because he suddenly buried his face in my pussy. He hooks my legs up his shoulders and the intensity of his tongue had me dizzy with pleasure. “Jongho—”
”Less talking, more moaning,” he demanded with a painful squeeze to my thighs.
I didn’t need to be told twice. Pleasure rips through me as he lapped on my cunt like he was a starved man. When I tried to wriggle away, he snaked his arms around my thighs, effectively locking me down into place. Suddenly, he slapped my ass, tongue still working on my clit.
“Fucking hell, Jongho, love,” a long moan came out from me when the sting of his slap added to my growing pleasure. He did it again, his palms smacking my behind so hard, I jut forward the bed. And he does it again, and again, and again. It left me a blubbering mess as I uttered his name like a prayer.
”You little slut,” he hissed. Slap. “Yes, take it.“ Slap. “Fuck, you look beautiful like this,” Slap. “Take it, take it.” Slap. “Fucking take it!”
”Jongho, please, please!” I cried in mixed pain and pleasure. I was pretty sure I’d bruise the next day because my skin felt very raw.
“Beg for it,” Jongho sucked and lapped my juices again. “Come on, Y/N, beg for it like the whore you are.”
”Please, please, please!” I sobbed, tears falling from my eyes. He groaned at my pitiful state. “Make me come, please! I really, really love you, please!”
I screamed when he inserted two fingers inside me and began sliding them in and out, the wet sounds of my pussy rivaling how loud my moans were. “That’s what I want to fucking hear,” he chuckled darkly. “Say it again. Look at me when you say it.”
I arched my back involuntarily as I chased that high Jongho was willing to give me. His fingers pistoned in and out and I rocked my hips against him to meet his thrusts. “I love you, Jongho, I love you,” I choked out. I was overstimulated, the line between pleasure and pain blurring out.
He goes faster, if it is possible. My moans were desperate, I couldn’t take it anymore. “Then come,” he demanded. “If you really love me, then fucking come for me.”
The force of my orgasm had me reeling with a loud scream. It had me seeing white for the first time in a while as my back arched into an angle where it would have been unnatural had it not been for the quivering climax Jongho's fingers subjected me into.
He leaned in and gave me sweet kisses all over my face. "You okay, love?" Jongho murmured softly. I wrapped my arms around his neck and nodded. "Good. Because now I need my fill."
It took me a minute to recover and my eyes widened at his crudeness. He smiles sadistically. "I don't care if you can't take it. I'm going to fuck you anyway."
I whimpered in response, my entire body flushing with heat as my pussy clenched onto nothing. I could not believe that I was getting off to Jongho being this dominant and rough. It certainly scratched that itch I've been trying to relieve for a while now.
I did not want to just have sex, I needed to get fucked.
"I can see it in your eyes, you know?" he chuckled as he slowly undressed himself. My mouth ran dry when I finally got a glimpse of his body - he was huge. That included his cock. "You need to be taken, pounded like the fucktoy you are."
He grabbed my hair and aligned my mouth to his throbbing erection. "Suck," he demanded. He didn't wait for me to accommodate him, he just straight up thrusted in my mouth until he bottomed out.
I gagged but he didn't stop right there. My muffled chokes spurred him on, my eyes started to water as tears rolled down my cheeks and saliva mixed with his salty precum started to drip to my chin. He groaned, low and breathy, picking up a good angle as his balls started to slap against my chin.
"You dirty little whore," he growled, gripping my hair tightly. "You love choking on my cock, don't you?"
I whispered a sound of agreement, because he was right. I did love it. Suddenly, he pulled out from me. I tried to breathe, but clearly, Jongho had other plans. He got on top of me and aligned his shaft to my entrance.
“Ready?” Jongho bit his lip when I nodded. We both let out a groan when he finally entered me, bottoming out in one go. “I missed this,” he thrusts once. “I can’t believe I lasted this long without this cunt.”
"P-Please move,” I moaned. “I need to feel you—”
I began to spiral at the intimacy and at how hard he was thrusting into me. The feel of him stretching my already abused pussy was what got me. His instantaneous domination towards me as he plunged deeper and deeper inside me almost tipped me to the very edge of that white chasm I’ve been craving to fall into.
“Fuck, baby, you’re fucking killing me like this,” he hissed when I squeezed my cunt on his cock. “You like my cock filling you up?”
It didn't take long before I was squealing with wild abandon and trembling with how rough he was being. It was filthy fucking; the only sounds in the room were skins slapping against each and other the bed creaking. He looked down at his cock sliding in and out of my dripping cunt and I could tell the sight pushed him over the edge.
"Jongho, fuck! Yes, fuck me harder,” I sobbed.
"Shut the fuck up,” he sneered. He fucked harder anyway and I gasped when he wraps his hands on my neck. “You do not tell me what to do, yeah?”
His hand squeezed my throat, his grip strengthening, but he really wasn't really choking me yet. It was more like holding me in my place. His eyes widened and I closed my eyes in shame when we both felt my pussy gush. “Holy hell,” he grinned. “Didn’t know you liked that.”
“Only when you do it,” I moaned.
At first, the sensation was ecstatic, but when Jongho actually started getting carried away, I tried to pull at his elbow. I didn’t want to come yet, so I tried again, but Jongho didn’t budge. “Take your hand off or I will actually choke you,” he threatened.
I bit back a whimper but I obeyed anyway. “J-Jongie, if you k-keep doing it, g-gonna come…”
“Hold it. I haven’t allowed you yet,” he leaned forward until his face was inches from mine. “You are going to obey. Not because I forced you, not because of any punishment, not because you need to, and not even because you want to.”
His lips claim mine in a stormy kiss. “You are going to do it because you are mine. Clear?”
I moaned, my lips pressed firm against his. Without breaking the kiss, Jongho reached around my waist, lowering it until he reached my ass. He pulled me closer and the angle of him pressing my ass up to meet his thrusts made him groan into my mouth erotically.
My hands weren't idle, reaching around him, one sliding to his head and running through his hair, and the other feeling the muscles in his back. I dug my nails onto his back when his cock touched my cervix and he growled against my skin.
“Do it again,” he groaned. I did as told and I scratched his back and dug my nails as hard as I could. “Fuck, Y/N, fuck!”
That did it for me. His high pitched moans always had me reeling, especially now that I felt the familiar tickle of another orgasm threatening to rip onto me and Jongho’s thrusts were getting sloppier as he chased his own high.
"Look at me real quick," he urged. I did as told. "I love you, Y/N. More than you’ll ever know," he whispered as he tucked the stray hairs away from my eyes. "No matter what happens, I will always love you."
The desperation in his eyes scared me a bit. I blinked back the sudden sting of my tears as my emotions drove me greater heights of pleasure. Those three words were what I longed to hear all these years. “You’re not going to leave?” I choked.
”Love, that broken bridge was repaired a month prior, and I’m still here,” he gulped. “You can come now, give it to me.”
I came on command. It was the most intense orgasm Jongho had ever delivered to me. I twisted and writhed underneath him as his thrusts began to speed up with his own orgasm.
He ignored my shrieks of overstimulation as he fucked me harder and harder. His thrusts were becoming more and more erratic, and with trembling hands, I reached down and massaged his balls. With one hard thrust and a loud roar, Jongho came inside me, splattering my walls with his cum.
Between ragged breaths, the both of us slowly came down from our euphoric high. "Was I too rough on you?" Jongho asked softly. Long gone was the sex demon. "Are you hurt?"
"No," I mumbled under my breath. "A bit sore since it's been a while. You were perfect."
"Mmm," he hummed in response. I gasped a bit when he suddenly stood up and began to carry me. "Let's get you cleaned up," was all he said before he started walking to the bathroom.
I was so out of it that the next thing I knew was that we were both soaking in the bathtub, just enjoying each other's presence. I have never felt so peaceful in my life until now.
"Do you want me to wash your hair?" he thoughtfully asked.
"No, not now," I shook my head. "Just relax with me, are you okay with that?"
He hummed again. This was how he was, he never really talked a lot, and I was perfectly fine with it. I sat perfectly still in between Jongho's legs, leaning my head back on his chest as he played with my hair.
"You know what my biggest fears were during the five years we were apart?" Jongho suddenly said out of the blue just when I was about to fall asleep.
"No," I frowned. I was under the assumption that he was too preoccupied to focus on my memory back then. "What were they?"
"That I'll only remember your face, but not your name," he kissed my temple and his lips lingered there. "That I'd forget you, but not the time we spent."
𝐎𝐂𝐓𝐎𝐁𝐄𝐑 𝟏𝟏, 𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟏
We fell in love in September. It was as if no time had passed between the two of us and we resumed that flame that once burned for our love.
"Smile," I urged him as I raised the camera so I could take an updated selfie of the two of us.
At first, he rolled his eyes at my antics, but he smiled anyway and leaned closer to me. "Happy?" Jongho flicked my nose playfully. "You owe me something."
I giggled and I leaned forward to kiss him on the cheek but my eyes widened when he suddenly turned so our lips met instead. I felt him smile through the kiss and I knew he wanted to make out but I was laughing too much to continue.
His love was so warm and call me corny, but everything he did was so cute to me and I just wanted to explode.
He was my home. I have never felt more alive than when I was with Jongho. I know what love feels like - it feels beautiful, but it also hurts like nothing else. I suppose this 'true love', we always endured despite everything.
He was becoming less and less tense, something I never thought ever since he lost his temper back then when that man - Hongjoong - came around to visit. I wasn't dumb, I knew Jongho was doing something shady, but I digress.
At this point, I don't want to know what Jongho has been doing in his spare time the last five years. Whatever it was, I can live not knowing what happened so long as Jongho stays with me like this for the rest of our days.
He may not be the Jongho I once and loved, but I was willing to love this new version of him even more.
"Why don't you get ready? Wear your best dress," he said when we broke apart. "Let's go out for dinner. My treat."
"You always treat me," I frowned. "Let's split."
"Would that make you feel better?" he wondered. "I don't believe in that stereotype, blossom. I just want food."
I laughed, but nodded anyway. "It would. You're my boyfriend, Jongho, not my bank account."
"It really isn't like that, but whatever you say," he shrugged. "How long will you take?"
I told him thirty minutes, but unfortunately, when he saw me in this black bodycon dress I purchased years ago, we got a bit frisky and let it out of our systems before we actually went out and drove.
"We're going to be late at our reservation, Jongie. Seriously?" I frowned as I hurried to do my makeup quickly using the side mirror of the car.
He scoffed after he parked. "Oh, please. You love my cum---"
"Anyway," I hissed, to which he laughed out loud. "Let's go, sex always makes me hungry."
"Well, I already had my fill," he shrugged. I stared at him, flabbergasted because there were people around us and they most definitely heard what he insinuated.
Jongho took me to the local steakhouse where Mingi worked part-time as a waiter. He was unimpressed as he begrudgingly trudged towards our table. "It's going to be chilly soon, you guys want to go inside?" Mingi offered.
"I've been cooped up in the house, fresh air is nice," I smiled as I gestured at the outdoor tables.
"What would you guys have?" Mingi asked in his professional mode. Jongho was about to speak when got cut off. "I wasn't asking you," he hissed.
"Song Mingi," I frowned. "Be nice."
"Let him," Jongho smirked as he chewed on the free bread given to us. "He was about to just leave, weren't you, Mingi?"
Mingi rolled his eyes but left anyway along with our order. I frowned when Jongho reached out for my hand across the table. "Did you really have to be like that to him?" I asked.
"No," he replied. "But I wanted to anyway."
"Choi Jongho!" I was slightly appalled. All Jongho did was stare blankly at me. Without breaking eye contact, he sensually kissed my palm. I reddened automatically.
"L/N Y/N," he teased playfully, taking great pleasure at my shyness.
"Come on, can't you be serious for once?" I pouted.
"I am being serious," he laughed, his beautiful smile filling in his precious face.
I stared at him, unimpressed. "Are you jealous of my closeness to Mingi?"
"Yes," he immediately answered. "A thousand percent."
My eyes widened in mild surprise. Something that never, ever changed in him was his jealousy. I wasn't expecting him to actually admit to it straight up because back then, he always denied being jealous.
"My baby bear, you know there's no point in feeling this way," I sighed, wrapping my hand in his. "You're the only one for me."
"It better stay that way," he smirked. He sat straighter to look at me, but then his smile dropped off a bit.
I didn't think of it at first, but then I gasped when his hold on my hand became tighter. I bit my lip, slightly ashamed that I was getting turned on by his light aggression. I waited for him to say something, but he stayed still in his seat.
I thought he was messing with me. I mean, the way he was staring at me could have melted me faster than the sun. It was intense, and if I'm being honest, it instilled fear in me.
"Jongho?" I called out softly when I realized that he wasn't going to say something. His eyes narrow down into dangerous slits. "You're scaring me..."
His grip on my hand tightens with a force. It wasn't enough to hurt, but it was enough for me to worry. My eyes widened at the gesture, and when I took a closer look at him, I realized that he wasn't directing his stare at me, but behind me.
Had he seen something, or worse, someone that made him so tense? I was genuinely concerned now, Jongho only acted like this whenever I tried to pry about his departure five years ago. I straightened up, maybe this was related to it?
"Do you trust me?" Jongho stopped me from looking behind me. I nodded, albeit hesitantly. His next words made me freeze.
"Then whatever happens, do not turn around. Act normal."
I tried my best to mask the fear that was overriding my body right now; the panic that scattered my brain. The hairs at the back of my neck suddenly rose, and I couldn't help but feel that someone was watching us from behind me. Or was that the paranoia talking?
Jongho suddenly motioned for me. "Pretend that you're going to give me a kiss," he ordered. When he saw my rigidness, his glare softened. "Please do as I say," he whispered, desperation evident in his voice.
"Jongho, what's going on?" My voice was shaky.
"I have no fucking time for this," he hissed, eyes widening in surging panic. "You either do it now, or we both die."
My breathing was erratic and the thumping of my heart was escalating. All the while, I thought that whatever Jongho was hiding from me was never going to hunt us down, or at least, not for a while. Suddenly, Hongjoong and Jongho's conversation floated in my head.
"You know they're just going to find you, correct?"
"Of course, I do. You play me for a fool."
"That's all I know. I won't tell anyone you're here, but if I were you, I would do something about it."
I thought wrong. With a deep breath, I stood up and leaned my head towards Jongho, as if I really was just going for an innocent kiss.
"Stay still," he whispered when I got close enough. My breath hitched when Jongho drew his gun and it dawned on me that he basically used me as a shield so whoever was watching couldn't see.
"Remember what I told you that night?" Jongho asked when I sat back down. I gulped and nodded, my eyes still staring at the concealed weapon that he hid in his inner pocket. "Answer me."
"Yes, I-I remember," I stammered, rubbing my hands together to stop them from shaking so much. "I'm scared..."
He told me he will always love me no matter what happened, how could I forget? His eyes softened. "On the count of three," he began. "Get up, run, and never look back."
My heart exploded then and there. "What? No!" I winced when he attempted to shush me. "I am not leaving you, Jongho, please!"
Jongho's brows furrowed and he opened his mouth to say something but he froze when he realized that Mingi was approaching us with our ordered food. He cursed under his breath and tried to signal Mingi to stop walking.
Mingi, though visibly confused, does stop walking. But it was a mistake on Jongho's end, because whoever was watching had caught on.
"Get down, get down!" Jongho yelled when the first shot rang from a distance. My gasp was cut off from Jongho grabbing my arm painfully and dragging me down with him under the table.
Screams erupted from all over as the other patrons who came to eat had panicked all around us. Mingi dropped the food, startled, and immediately came running to me. "You both okay?" he asked when he ducked down along with us.
His eyes widened when he saw Jongho holding a pistol and then narrowed into slits. "What the hell have you gotten yourself into?" Mingi growled in annoyance.
"No time to explain," Jongho looked left and right, up and down, to check for more gunmen. He turned to Mingi hurriedly. "This table," he tapped it with his gun. "Let's use this as a barricade."
Both of them wasted no time quickly grabbing the heavy wooden table we were supposed to eat on and pushing it down. I tried to help by kicking the chairs away from us. I got startled onto ducking back down when more shots were fired in the air.
"Fucking hell," Jongho cursed out loud, jutting the arm that held the gun and aimed at that distance with precision. Mingi and I looked at each with worry and we both turned our eyes on Jongho's murderous form.
"Where's the quickest exit?" Jongho recoiled his pistol and bullet shells fell on the ground. Shivers travelled through my spine at how experienced Jongho seemed at doing gunfights.
Mingi pointed quickly to a door that was near us. Jongho cursed loudly, it wasn't difficult to go to the door, but we would be exposed to the dangers of getting shot.
I flinched when another shot rang into the air and then screamed when a bullet landed inches away from where we were.
"On my count, both of you will run as fast as you both can to the door. I'll follow after," Jongho ordered both of us. But Mingi wasn't having it.
"Are you kidding me?" he gritted his teeth. "Whoever's out there will shoot us down!"
"And you'd rather we get shot here?" Jongho retorted back, rage etched on his face. It made him look terrifying, like I didn't know him to begin with.
Mingi raised his arm to try and push some sense into Jongho, but the latter put his gun up and pointed the barrel directly in between the former's brows. Mingi froze in his place. "I need her out of here," Jongho took one good look at me before glaring again at Mingi. "I won't hesitate to shoot you if it means getting your ass up to move."
"Fuck you," Mingi spat venomously at him.
Jongho pulled the safety lever and positioned his finger in the trigger and Mingi visibly flinched. My jaw dropped and I called out for him to stop, but he ignored me. "I'm not playing with you, Song Mingi," he growls, his voice low and dangerous. "Do it."
"Just calm down, okay?" Mingi nervously laughed. Jongho cocks his head in my direction and Mingi gets moving. I was terrified - I could tell Jongho wasn't joking; he will shoot Mingi.
He positioned me in front of him and lowered my head down so my whole body was completely hidden. "Ready?" Mingi asked me softly.
Tears started to blur my vision. Tonight was supposed to be a good time, but alas, nothing really lasts forever - even guilty pleasures.
Jongho started the countdown, and the moment he said three, me and Mingi started running as fast as we could.
I yelped when I heard Jongho fire another shot in the air. I made the mistake of looking back and I almost stuttered in my steps when I saw two masked men running faster and faster in our directions while their big rifles were pointed at us.
My stomach started to churn along with the burn of my running legs - people want Jongho dead. And Jongho want these people dead. A question kept lingering in my mind, how many has he killed? How long has he been doing this?
"Hurry!" Mingi's deep, booming voice screamed for Jongho, his arms motioning for Jongho to move faster when the both of us went through the exit door.
Jongho moved with deadly purpose. Little by little, my heart shattered as I watched him shoot two shots and hit someone square in the chest with his bullets. Mingi's hold on the door loosened as he watched the bloodbath along with me.
He was so close to the door too, all he had to do was sprint and Mingi would be able to close the door so the people firing at us wouldn't be able to enter the parking lot.
I slowly realized that the man I loved was killing people left and right like it was nothing to him. It made me sick to my stomach, but what got me was the fact that my love for him never lessened even one bit. Even if he killed twice the amount, I'd still love him. It was sickening.
"Close the fucking door and go!" Jongho screamed at us as he unloaded more bullets at anyone he saw fit to shoot. He made eye contact with me, and for a split second, there was a flash of pain, but it was gone before he could shoot one more time.
"I hate you, Jongho, but I don't want you to die," Mingi snapped. "So get in here before I actually close this door on you!
It all happened in a matter of seconds. It seemed to snap Jongho into moving towards us, and so he started to run. The moment his foot stepped past the door, Mingi shut the door firmly and the three of us started running.
"You okay, love?" Jongho quickly grabbed me and kissed my head as we sprinted towards no direction in mind.
I nodded, the fear clear as day in my eyes. It hurt to see Jongho's resignation as he put the gun away back in his holster, something I didn't even notice when we left the house.
"We can't use my car," Jongho sighed loudly in irritation. "They know what it looks like."
"Let's use mine then," Mingi began to run in the opposite direction of where we started from and Jongho and I had no choice but to follow him.
The aftermath was anticlimactic. Jongho directed Mingi to drive around in circles so we wouldn't have a tail, but we quickly went right back in track when we realized that we weren't even followed out. They both argued about what had just happened and in normal circumstances, I would have been happy about it. They were both like this even back in high school.
When Mingi dropped both of us at my house, I opted to enter first because those two were still fighting and I could hear them from the inside. I had no choice but to just watch from the window.
"You son of a bitch, what kind of trouble did you bring back to town?" Mingi shouted aggressively.
"Watch your fucking mouth," I heard Jongho hiss.
"Or what?" Mingi taunted, using one hand to viciously push Jongho around. "You're gonna shoot me?"
Jongho hissed in pain, clutching his arm where he had been pushed. Mingi gasped out so loud, it caught me off guard. His whole hand was red and covered in blood.
"Jongho?" Mingi worriedly went to him and quickly grabbed his arm. "You're bleeding---"
My world shattered right then and there and I blanked out as I hurriedly ran towards Jongho and stared at his bleeding arm. "Y-You were shot?" I squeaked in fear when I realized that his whole jacket was soaked wet with blood.
"Get out of here, Mingi," Jongho groaned in pain, making both me and the taller man panic. "In case they find us here, I can only protect one of you..."
Mingi hesitated, regret filling his entire face, but he knew Jongho was right. After quickly saying goodbye and informing us that he'll stay with Wooyoung for now, he drove off away from the house and hopefully away from trouble.
"Don't cry, my pretty love," Jongho chuckled when we finally relaxed and sat on the couch. "It was a graze, nothing to worry about..."
"Nothing to worry about?" Angry tears started to fall from my eyes. "Jongho, you scared the living hell out of me!"
Now that all of the adrenaline has worn off, my chest exploded and tears just started flowing out of me. I didn't want to cry, I wasn't the type to cry at anything in general, but I couldn't stop the overwhelming emotions that overtook all my senses.
"Nothing to be scared of, see?" Jongho tried to cheer me up when he took his jacket off and showed me that indeed, it was just a graze, but it didn't stop me from paling at the sight of his wound.
I blinked the remaining tears away, though at this point I wasn't sure where it was coming from - anxiety, exhaustion, or paranoia. It could be anything. I quickly got to work on the first aid kit and started patching him up.
"Are you ever going to tell me?" I sniffled as I wrapped the gauze all over his bulky arms. "That was an experience, Jongho, don't you think I deserve to know?"
Jongho flexed his arms before he lifted me up and sat me on his lap. He buried his head on my shoulders. "I'm sorry," his muffled voice said. "But I can't."
I sighed deeply, not at all surprised at his response. What he failed to understand was that I don't care about what he did, I just wanted to know if it was going to happen again. "You know I'm willing to endure everything for you?"
Jongho froze. He slowly lifted his head up to meet my eyes. There was an expression I thought I'd never, ever see in those beautiful eyes - fear.
His brows raised at the statement though, eyes roaming all over my face to search for any lies. "Yeah?"
I nodded, leaning down to give his lips a quick peck. "I mean it, Jongho. You could destroy this entire planet and I'd still stick by you."
His grip on my waist tightened and I thought it was because he was grateful for my words, but when Jongho's eyes hardened to a steely resolve, I started to panic. He was staring at me with this deep, unsettling eyes that I couldn't tell if it was awe, sadness, or anger.
"D-Did I say anything wrong?"
"No," he shook his head, his knuckles softly grazing my cheeks. "I just never realized how far I'd go to keep you safe."
I swallowed a lump in my throat. "Come on," I urged him to get up. "Let's go rest. It's been a long night."
Sleeping would prove to be difficult tonight. I had a lot of things to think about, but so did Jongho. The only difference was he had a lot of things that kept him awake at night and he was currently the reason why I couldn't sleep tonight.
"Y/N?" Jongho called out of the blue as we both laid down in the darkness. I hummed a response. "If I hadn't knocked on your door a couple of months ago, would you have already moved on from me by now?"
His question caught me completely off guard. "Probably not," I answered him truthfully. "You?"
"Ten years would have passed and I'd still love you the same, if not more," he whispered. "Have you ever hated me?"
"Absolutely," I replied without missing a beat. "I went mad being in love with you. I lost myself loving you and to this day, there are still parts of me I can never get back again."
Jongho heaved a weighted sigh. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be. You did what you felt was right, and I was well within my rights to bear whatever made me feel right."
"Right. Why didn't you give out your heart again?"
I couldn't help but chuckle without humour. "It's not that. I don't want to trust my heart to anyone. Why are you asking these anyway?"
"No reason," Jongho yawned. "I was just curious."
I didn't reply. I had a terrible feeling that sank in my stomach, but I decided to ignore it for now. Maybe it was just the adrenaline rush of it all, being in a near death situation puts your mind in dangerous places.
Moments later, Jongho’s breathing evened out and that’s how I knew he was already sleeping. I watched him sleep for a little, he looked so peaceful, as if he wasn’t the man who used a gun so flawlessly, you’d think he was in an action movie of some sorts. He was a ghost of the man I used to know.
It was the worst sleep of my life. It wasn’t even this bad when I was heartbroken when he left. All the events of what happened tonight kept replaying in my head and I kept waking up in a cold sweat. I would go back to sleep and then wake up again. It was such a vicious cycle.
“Is everything okay, blossom?” Jongho asked me the next day when he noticed me spacing out in our living room.
"Huh? Oh, yes. Everything's okay," I lied through my teeth.
I couldn't possibly tell him that I was apprehensive about something that I couldn't put my finger on. There was this feeling in my gut, and there was another in my heart and they were both so contradictory that I didn't know which one to believe in right now.
My gut said that something was wrong, but my heart was telling me to trust Jongho a little more this time.
"Are you sure?" Jongho hugged me from behind and kissed my shoulders. He pointed at the purse I was holding. "Going out?"
"The grocery store. I want to make dinner for you since we couldn't enjoy last night," I turned around and looped my arms around his neck and pressed a chaste kiss on his lips. "Happy Birthday, my love."
He smirked. "You remembered?"
"Of course I did. I celebrated it every year even after you left," I admitted, shame suddenly creeping up on me.
His eyes softened and he grabbed my face and gave it little peppered kisses. "I love you," he whispered. "More than you will ever understand."
He pulled me into a hug. It was the tightest hug I've ever received from him. "For as long as we both exist in this life, I am all yours," he breathed me in. "I will always go to you. If I can't walk, I will crawl. If they take my sight, I'd give up my eyes to see you one more time. No matter how broken I am, I will never stop fighting for you..."
He kissed my forehead tenderly. "You're my everything."
Tears began to prick at the back of my eyes. "Is everything okay?" I frowned. "You're freaking me out."
"No. Just wanted to let you know how I felt for you," he chuckled. He urged me to the door. "Run along to the groceries, love. Wouldn't want to miss that dinner for anything else."
I shrugged and went out the door to hurry up and get going, but not before looking back, only to see Jongho already staring at me. For a moment, we just stared at each other. Something wasn't sitting right with +me.
He mouthed for me to go with a small smile and an even smaller wave of his hand. The further I walked away, it was as if Jongho's was also slowly slipping away from me.
I couldn't concentrate on shopping. The goal was to get some stuff for Jongho's birthday, yet every time I stopped in an aisle, I would pause and space out, only for me to forget what I was in there for. The process would repeat and I was losing my mind.
On the other hand, his declaration of love for me made my heart extremely warm. He wasn't one to confess his feelings like that, and so was I. I was so lost inside my head, when I looked down on my cart, there was barely enough stuff in it.
I spaced out so bad that I didn't notice that I bumped onto someone. "I'm sor---Sannie?"
"I've been trying to get your attention for a while now," San frowned. I remembered that he had a shift today. "Are you okay? You look ill."
"I-I don't know," I admitted. "I don't feel so good."
San held my arm and I leaned onto him for support. "Want me to call Wooyoung to take you home?" San offered. "Where's Jongho?"
Something clicked in me at the mention of Jongho's name. I began to pull away from San. "I-I need to go," I murmured before making a run towards the door, not caring if San screamed for my name or the other shoppers looking at me like I just lost my mind.
I ran like hell, tears starting to form in my eyes. That confession meant something. I could hardly breathe, my chest filling with that dread I felt five years ago as my legs started to carry me back to my house. I didn't even realize that I was already crying, salty tears trailed to my mouth as I ran even faster.
I had to pause in my driveway to catch my breath. What would have taken me fifteen minutes of leisure running from the store back here only took me seven minutes in my panic. As I approached the front door, I felt lightheaded from the lack of air in my lungs, my hands were shaking terribly as I pushed the door open.
"Jongho?" I called out. My vision was still blurry with tears, but I was sure Jongho wasn't in my line of sight? "Jongho?!"
The house felt eerie. Not even an hour ago, Jongho and I were here just confessing our love to one another. "Jongho!" I called out louder, kicking the door down to his room in my desperation.
There was no answer, and there was no Jongho.
"Jongho, please," I was sobbing now. "This isn't funny, Jongho!"
I looked all over the house, even though at the back of my head, I knew my love wasn't here anymore. I went back to his room, horrified to find that his clothes were all gone. "J-Jongho," my voice rasped as I ran through every corner of my house, hoping that all of this was a sick joke.
I broke down, my legs wobbling until I crumpled on the floor, and I cried my eyes out. Jongho was gone, and this time, I knew for a fact that he wasn't coming back.
A part of me was hoping that he would come back after a day or two, after all, he did come back to me after five years. But I knew better - that declaration earlier sounded final. I couldn't stop picturing his face when he told me he loved me, I couldn't stop hearing his voice, and that just made me cry even harder than before.
Deep, gut-wrenching sobs and wails slipped past my lips and I buried my face in my hands in a sorry attempt to conceal the harsh sounds of my cries, but it was useless. My heart was so broken, there was a gaping hole in my chest where it used to be.
The force of my own sobs were straining my head and neck, but I couldn't seem to stop. I knew this day would come eventually, that Jongho would one day leave, but I thought we had it so good that he's changed his mind.
And I knew he changed his mind. He wasn't going to leave me anymore. So where was he?
I heard the front door creak open and the gasp that followed at my devastated, crumpled form on the floor. I felt someone kneel next to me, their own sobs filling the room as they tried to help me sit up. At first, my heart had hope, but from the touch, I could instantly tell who it was, and it wasn't Jongho.
"Babe, what's going on?" Wooyoung's panicked voice asked me hurriedly. He was openly sobbing with me. "San called me in hysteria earlier. Come here, oh my God..."
He quickly pulled me into his arms and I fell onto him instantly, burying my face in his chest and clutching shirt as I bawled helplessly. Wooyoung's body was shaking against mine as I felt his own tears fall on my hair. I have never, ever cried like this in front of anyone, and I can tell it was stressing Wooyoung out.
"Just let it out, shh," he hushed me, rocking back and forth to help soothe me, but the only person who could successfully soothe me had left.
"W-Woo," I mewled. "J-Jongho..."
"Did he hurt you?" Wooyoung instantly snarled, ready to beat up the man that wasn't even here anymore.
"Here," I weakly pointed at the center of my chest. "My h-heart..."
I told him everything. From Hongjoong visiting Jongho randomly one night, the gunfight with Mingi - to which his eyes widened and he exclaimed that Mingi never told him, but he could tell the taller was anxious - all the way from today where San saw me spacing out.
"I am so, so sorry. Are you okay?" Wooyoung asked tentatively, worry in his eyes as he helped me to my room. I almost lost control of my emotions then and there.
"Sorry, Wooyoung. You guys are always there to catch me when I'm feeling down," I hiccupped as he wrapped a blanket all over my body to comfort me.
He kneeled in front of me and shook his head. "You're our best friend," he assured. "We're worried about you," he patted my thighs twice. "Let me just call San to tell him you're fine now, okay?"
I wanted to hate Jongho. All this sadness was turning into anger because it was easier to be mad at him than deal with all the grief and loss he bestowed on me. But I couldn't. I had fallen for him twice and it was difficult to ignore the loneliness that was creeping in my heart.
"Yeah, she's good," I heard Wooyoung from outside my door. "I'm more shaken up, you should've seen her, Sannie. She was so broken..."
I could hear San's worried voice from Wooyoung's phone as the former paced all over my house. Tears began to form in my eyes again, but I tried to stop them. I didn't want to worry anyone anymore.
"He left, yes, he did," Wooyoung gritted. "I knew that asshole was trouble, goddamn it, he should've just stayed where he was at---wait."
I frowned at Wooyoung's sudden pause. He began whispering onto the phone and I had to strain my ears to listen to what he was saying.
"...by the kitchen..." Wooyoung's voice trailed off.
I heard his footsteps get faster and faster and I realized that he was running. I was so confused, especially when I saw him approach me with a letter in his hand.
"I found this," he handed me the letter, not bearing to look me in the eye. "I think...I'll step out of the house for a bit while you read it."
I eyed the small piece of paper in my hand, not knowing what to do with it exactly. I know it's bad when Wooyoung has to step out. He had the most forlorn, lost, and broken look in his face and it made me so nervous. I wasn't stupid, I know Jongho left me another letter.
I slowly unfolded the paper, and I was correct. Jongho had this distinct penmanship - it was cursive, it was beautiful, and it was his. Tears flowed from my eyes and dripped onto the paper as I read, my hands shaking as I tried not to crumple the paper with how emotional I was being.
You will heal and you will learn how to live without me. Until then, I’m going to set things straight on my end and I will find you when time permits. My soul will find yours again.
𝐃𝐄𝐂𝐄𝐌𝐁𝐄𝐑 𝟏𝟓, 𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟏
The pain got worse as time went on. I had no idea how much time had passed, but I assumed it'd been a while.
I had no desire to do anything. My laundry was piled in one messy basket, my garden plants were all dead, any form of self care besides showering and brushing my teeth was beyond me. It wasn't a way to live, I was a shell of my former self.
Sleep wasn't better either. I hardly got enough hours every night. But by far the worst was my solitude. Being alone in my thoughts was such a dangerous thing.
There were multiple times where I wanted to end everything, but the fact that I wouldn't remember Jongho anymore stopped me. It was such a vicious cycle in my own head and I just want them to stop.
San would always get me my groceries for Wooyoung to cook and Mingi would always force me to eat something. The food was delicious, it was my stomach that was rejecting it because it would churn the moment anything went into it.
I was always worried for them because sometimes I'd hear one of them get emotional at my depressed state, so I knew I had to conquer my demons if I was to not make my friends worry, but how I was supposed to do that? I couldn't even go into Jongho's room without bawling my eyes out.
I wore a hoodie that Jongho left behind and laid myself down on his bed, something I've been doing to cope for the last couple of months. Tears automatically sprung in my eyes. Everything was always so warm in his clothes and on his bed, just like him.
What was worse was that I could still smell him like he was still here. It felt like a blow to my chest. His scent was so strong that I could have sworn he was still here. How long would it take for his presence to completely disappear? How long would it be until this room is nothing but a space full of unwanted memories?
A tear finally slipped down my cheeks. Jongho and I were talking a lot about our future and he always looked so alive whenever we did. I knew he was truly happy. Sometimes, I'd think I was dreaming because I still didn't want to let him go. We were through before we had truly begun.
Jongho told me that I had to live without him. How was I supposed to do that? This darkness always threatened to swallow me whole.
And so I cried. I cried for the love me and Jongho had always meant to have, but never will. I cried for Jongho and the path he took that overtook him. I cried for myself, most of all, because I knew that I was never going to be the same ever again.
As I was about to relapse into another mental breakdown, a loud knocking from my door interrupted me. I quickly wiped all of my tears away and hoped that my face wasn't swollen enough for Wooyoung to berate me, then cry with me.
"I'm coming," I grumbled loudly when more knocking ensued.
It was probably Mingi. I had a doorbell and he knew it, but he always thought of the stupidest things to try and get me up so I couldn't lay down in bed all day. It worked, but sometimes, it pissed me off to no end.
Imagine my surprise when I opened the door and saw that it was not, in fact, Mingi.
"L/N Y/N?" the random stranger asked. I nodded slowly, a little too depressed to even care and ask how this man knew my name and my address.
He wasn't a bad looking man, rather, he looked quite pleasant. He had the most intimidating persona I have ever seen, the aura and energy he gave out made me shrink from where I was standing. He wore this tight fitting business suit that reminded me of CEOs rather than businessmen.
"C-Can I help you, Sir?"
"It's more like me helping you instead of the other way around," the man gave me a wolfish grin. "We should talk inside."
I frowned, gripping the doorknob tightly and ready to slam it if this man tried something sketchy. Despite the haze of sadness, I was sentient enough to not let in random people, especially as arrogant as this one.
"You're going to want to hear me out," he tried to bargain. "It's about Jongho."
My expression must have been so crestfallen that the smirk that threatened to come out of him slowly disappeared the closer he stared at me. Despite myself, my bottom lip wobbled and I bit on it to stop it from doing it, but to no avail.
"Oh, Lord have mercy, he ruined you," the man sighed. "I give you my word that I am not going to hurt you in any sort of way, so please, let's talk inside."
I had nothing to lose because I had nothing to live for now, so I just let him in anyway. I was semi happy that he had the decency to remove his shoes and sat on my couch after I had sat on it. It was a basic form of respect.
"My name is Park Seonghwa and Jongho works under my department," the man started. "And I owe you an explanation."
I blinked at him multiple times. I don't know what I was expecting, and to be honest, I had no expectations, but I certainly was not expecting that.
"E-Excuse me?" I sputtered out. "Department?"
"Where's your television remote?" Seonghwa asked. I blankly pointed it at him and he clicked my TV open. "There's something I have to show you..."
He kept flipping through different channels until he found the one he was looking for. I was extremely confused, but I decided not to question it and just see what he wanted to show me. Something tells me that I wasn't going to like what I'm about to see.
It was some sort of press conference and it was live. There were reporters going absolutely crazy over a couple of people and guards trying to stop them from forming a horde. It was a hot mess. I side eyed Seonghwa and he was just staring blankly at the television, like he was already expecting things to happen.
Suddenly, the camera panned to a stage where a couple of people who wore suits and some people with handcuffs were getting swarmed by the crowd.
I knew what this was. It was the controversial fight between the Korean Force and the rising mafia family that orchestrated bank heists all over the city and a select few towns like where I was - like that bank Jongho used to work at.
At first I was still confused, that is, until I saw a familiar figure standing in the back. He was wearing a mask, but I knew it was him. My hands flew to my mouth before my eyes widened and more tears formed.
"I am Second Director Kang Yeosang, in charge of the capture of the most notorious group that has been running rampant in our city," a man spoke from the television.
"What is the meaning of this?" I gasped at Seonghwa. He didn't say anything and pointed at the television again.
"The credit goes to all our wonderful Agents who aided in their capture," the man gestured to where Jongho was. He looked so stiff, so rigid, but I knew he was the man I loved - the man who hurt me deeply.
The TV was suddenly turned off, but honestly, I couldn't bear to look at it for another second longer anyway, else I might break down completely, and I did not want to do that with a random stranger in my house.
“Do you have any idea as to why Jongho had to leave you all of a sudden five years ago?” Seonghwa asked me, his eyes showing genuine curiosity.
I gulped nervously. “Hell, if I knew,” I scoffed. Then, I realized something that made my heart drop. “Are you telling me that he left me for the mafia, or something?”
Seonghwa smirked. “Not quite. I would say he joined the group that stopped the mafia.”
No amount of self-control could have stopped me from the sheer surprise that crossed my face. “Impossible,” I shook my head in denial. “Jongho would never put himself in a position that purposely put his life in danger, let alone do something like that...”
“Are you sure about that?” Seonghwa crossed his arms. “I could tell you what happened, but do you want to hear it?”
No. Accepting what Seonghwa was saying means that I have to face the reality that Jongho really did choose to go his way and make his future without me, but not accepting it amps my fear for the truth. I nodded in resignation and Seonghwa began to talk.
“First of all, I would like you to know that Jongho joined us by method of force,” he said. “In fact, he wanted out so badly that he threatened us that he’ll bite his tongue. Literally.”
My heart dropped at the newly found information and my hands were already shaking, but I let him continue. “It was supposed to be a successful operation, we were tracking a series of money laundering crimes and we chose the bank that Jongho worked at as the place for our sting operation.”
“Long story short,” he continued. “Jongho saw something he wasn't supposed to. Did you know what his position was at the bank?”
“A t-teller,” I replied, my voice also shaking. I wanted to cry, Jongho had been carrying that burden all by himself.
“Right. Unfortunately, Jongho found out that we were having an operation that day. He suspected that something was wrong with the enemy’s bank information, so he started snooping and saw every illegal money deposit in it. We couldn't have that, it was either we killed him or he joined us.”
“What?” I couldn’t help but hiss at him. “It wasn’t his fault,” I snapped. “Your failure on your operation does not constitute an emergency on his part!”
All Seonghwa did was smirk at me and it pissed me off. I glared at him, but he just shrugged. “I’m not saying you’re wrong,” he stated. “In fact, I agree with you. I never wanted him, Jongho was just a boy.”
My face fell as I limply fell back on my seat, defeated and in disbelief. “I’m a failure,” I sarcastically laughed. “All this time I thought he left me because he didn’t want me as his partner anymore.”
“Not your fault,” Seonghwa sighed. “We were the ones who told him he had to leave you. It was either he told you, but then he’d have to take you, or keep you in the dark but you’ll be safe. Obviously, Jongho chose to keep you safe.”
I couldn’t stop all the tears that suddenly started to flow. It was both out of sadness and relief. After five long years, I now had the answers I’ve always wanted to desperately know.
But was it worth it?
“I wasn’t supposed to tell you any of this. My superiors don’t know I’m here,” Seonghwa said after he had waited for me to calm down and compose myself. I’ll give him that, I appreciated it. “Jongho loved you so, so much.”
I stared at him, waiting for him to continue. “Our training was in the United States, Lord knows how many times he got punished for trying to escape and come back here in Korea,” he chuckled. “You know, I grew to care for that kid. I owe this to him after years and years of denying him any contact with you.”
Jongho wanted to contact me all these years? I had to bite my thumb to stop myself from shedding more tears, but Seonghwa grabbed my sleeves to stop me from hurting myself further.
“That capture on the television, that was his doing. What would have usually taken ten years of a normal agent, Jongho cut in half all because he wanted to see you again.”
“Hongjoong told me you saw them talking that night?” Seonghwa asked. I nodded in conformation. “He didn’t mean any harm. Jongho wasn’t supposed to be here, let alone disappear for a couple of months. We covered for him, but it was only a matter of time until our higher ups found out.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat. All these years I was wallowing myself in pity and Jongho had been suffering overseas because of something that wasn’t even his fault. All this time, this was what Jongho had been hiding.
”What was he doing here in the first place then?”
“He wanted to see you one more time before he went into hiding so we could erase all his ties to the CIA, so I allowed him. Imagine my surprise when he didn’t come back anymore. Hongjoong had barely found this place.”
I remember that day like it just happened. I will never forget the day I started being alive again when he showed up at my door. The storm had been an excuse after all, and that bridge falling over wasn’t part of his plans. It was no wonder he was extremely angry when it broke.
”And the shooting a couple of months back?” I asked. I didn’t even need to elaborate, his face already showed that he knew what I was talking about.
He shook his head. “That was the mafia set to eliminate Jongho.”
My blood ran cold. That meant that we were that close to actually losing our lives. My face fell, that almost meant that Jongho left me for the second time for the same reason he had the first time - to protect me.
Seonghwa patted my shoulders. “I’m sorry you had to find out this way,” he spoke silently. “It’s almost over, he’ll be back.”
I froze, craning my head in his direction, my breath hard and laboured. “Y-You mean that?”
He nodded. “You have my word. And I’ve never gone back on my word before.”
Hours after Seonghwa had said his goodbye and left, I still stayed unmoved from my spot, unwilling to get up just yet for fear that everything I just found out, I’d suddenly forget. I stared at the card that he had left on the table that contained his contact number, not knowing what to do with it exactly.
One good thing that came out of there was that the heavy weight that loomed over my shoulders was suddenly lifted and the relief it brought had made it easier for me to finally breathe.
I have everything I would wish for right now. All these years, I thought I was looking for happiness or the will to move on, but all this time, relief has always been the one I was after - it was what finally set me free.
I closed my eyes, I can almost picture Jongho’s smile when he looked at me for the last time before he went his way.
Life was so cruel, wasn't it? Fate had allowed me and Jongho to meet and fall in love again and gave me a taste of what it would have been like had he not left, only for the same fate to yank it all away.
What’s worse was that I would do it all over again, even when I knew that our love would end as a tragedy. I would give everything just to feel his warmth, even if it’s only a second. I would endure anything.
Suddenly, Jongho’s absence didn’t feel so heavy after all. For the first time in a while, there was a small smile on my face.
𝐍𝐎𝐕𝐄𝐌𝐁𝐄𝐑 𝟗, 𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟒
The arches of my brows creased as I glanced up to the bright, blue sky. The tip of my nose was red, but it was okay.
My hands can't seem to feel themselves as I walk out. It wasn't even that bad, I thought, before I left my rented studio apartment without bringing my trusty wool coat. By the time I realized that the wind had picked up, it was already too late to turn back and grab it.
I can almost taste the bitter cold hitting my skin, but I was happy anyway. Autumn was my favourite season, I love the colours and the cozy pumpkin spice flavoured things, and most of all, it was also Jongho’s favourite season.
It’s been three years since that fateful day. I slowly got over the pain, but I never forgot what it felt like. I still had that note he gave me, I could never throw it away even if I wanted to.
I couldn't forget him, if I tried.
I did, however, decide to move away from South Korea all the way to the other side of the world in France. I couldn't bear to stay in the house where all the four corners had Jongho in it, so I decided to sell it. I made the impulse to apply for corporate work, courtesy of Choi San, and so far, Marseille has been nice to me.
And speaking of San, he took that giant leap and found love. The only thing surprising about it was that it was in Song Mingi. It wasn't because of anything bad, it was because I never even noticed the tension between them. I may or may not have cried at their obvious happiness.
Wooyoung was the only one who came with me to my journey in another country. For a while, we both lived together in my apartment here, but he got addicted to the feeling of traveling and now, he's been painting the town red somewhere in Italy.
I've never seen or heard from Jongho ever again. He hasn't contacted me whatsoever. The constant visits from Seonghwa doesn't really count, though I have grown a somewhat decent relationship with him and found out he was actually a nice man.
He hasn't found me and to be quite honest, I quit searching for him after a while. It was eating away at my life and it wasn't a healthy way for me to cope at his loss. I just hope he found somewhere safe to settle where the mafia couldn't reach or hurt him.
"Ticket for one?" the attendant from the museum entrance kindly asked me.
"Yes, please. Thank you," I smiled back. Today, I decided to treat myself to a day off by going to this local museum I've been eyeing for a while.
"Do you wish to get upgraded for the fair in the back?" they asked me after handing in my ticket.
I tilted my head in confusion. "Fair?"
"Ah, there is a local fair that comes here every year. The museum decided to collaborate this year to garner more people to come."
It was an easy yes for me. I haven't been to fairs in a while and I remembered loving them as a kid. It almost denied it though, all my memories of me going to one had all been with Jongho. He loved Ferris Wheels the most.
As I admired the museum collection, I couldn't help but rejoice because of how much I've grown into myself. Moving was definitely difficult at first, but I've managed to wiggle my way to success, or at least, my definition of success. Slowly, I began to put Jongho at the back of my mind.
I suddenly remembered what Jongho said to me three years ago about his fear.
That I'll only remember your face, but not your name. That I'd forget you, but not the time we spent.
I chuckled. What a terrible lie that had been on his end. There was no way I was forgetting him in any way, shape, or form.
There wasn't much in the museum, it was quite small, so I went straight to the fair and I was pleasantly surprised because it resembled a carnival more than anything. There was the usual fair food and the carnival-esque rides, like roller coasters and adult carousels.
But most of all, the biggest Ferris Wheels I have ever seen in my life was right here. I smiled, I will definitely have to come back to that.
It was great, as expected for fairs. The food was absolutely fantastic, and I have a thing for their huge cotton candies. I knew then and there that I made the correct decision to go here for my day off.
"Excuse me? Is this seat taken?"
I was so lost in my thoughts that I was a bit startled when a masculine voice sounded to my side. I turned my head and I swear my heart dropped to my foot instantly.
"N-No," I stammered, redness spreading all over my face. "Y-You can t-take it if you want."
The man smirked and took the seat anyway. I didn't say a word - I couldn't - but neither did he. Rather, we basked in the sun that was shining directly to where we were both seated even though it was cold.
He was absolutely gorgeous. I have never, ever seen a man so stunning that it rendered me speechless for a bit. His brown cashmere coat perfectly complemented his physique. His cropped out hair fitted him well, and the way he carried himself was what was interesting to me.
His eyes were something else. There was a swirling mixture of amber as the tiniest bit of sun hit him made it very mesmerizing to stare at.
And those same pair of eyes were now staring at my very own.
I was shocked. I felt the shame slowly creep in and my face turn the reddest it has ever been in my life. I looked away clearly flustered and looked down on the forgotten sweetness of the cotton candy I hadn't touched again since this man sat down next to me.
Darn it, darn him for giving me the subtlest smirk as I looked away. From my peripheral vision, I can see him still looking at me, unblinking. I got so conscious that I didn't realize that I was holding my breath steadily.
I definitely looked like I was creeping on him. I almost hit myself in frustration. This is what happens when you're touch starved from a man for so long. I should have smiled back at him, I mean I still could given the fact that I can feel the hairs on my arms stand up in attention to his still unrelenting stare at me.
"How are you liking the carnival?" he had asked.
His voice was calming and it had automatically brought a sense of peace in me. I almost chastised myself, there was no need to be on edge. After all, I was here to relax, not to be awkward with the people I encounter.
"It's good," I shrugged. "I kind of wish it wasn't as cold as it was today. You? What brings you here?"
It was his turn to shrug. "Just to relax. I need to unwind after my work and all. It's stressful, you know?"
I nodded, surprising the need to smile. "Oh? What do you do?"
He chuckled, putting his hands in his pockets, his form also visibly relaxing. "Nothing interesting. There's just a lot of paperwork involved in it, that's all."
"I see," I murmured, trying to avoid eye contact all over.
I'm not sure when the tension started. Perhaps it was a subliminal thing. Or maybe, it was the physical proximity. Despite the cold weather, I could feel the smoldering heat from where he sat. He's been pretty respectful of the distance though, aside from the occasional stare he would point at me, but so far, I don't mind it.
"You don't look like you're from here," I pointed out, trying to start up a conversation. "What brings you to France?"
He hummed before responding. "I'm trying to find my purpose. I lost it a couple of years ago and now I'm intent on getting that back in my life," the man gazed at me meaningfully. "Sometimes you don't know what you have before it's all gone."
I gave him a tight smile. "And this," I waved my hand around. "Purpose, so to speak, how important is it to you?"
"Everything," he replied so fast it actually scared me a bit. He was looking at me dead in the eye too. "It means everything to me. I...made a lot of mistakes in my past, but now I'm here to make up for all of those."
I stared at him for a couple of minutes and he held eye contact with me, unblinking and unmoving. Was this my sign to move on from the past?
"Well, I wish you all the luck," I told him sincerely. "I suppose I can relate. I put my life on halt a couple of years ago, myself. My purpose had left me."
The man frowned and then sighed wistfully. "And how did that make you feel?"
It was a question I wasn't expecting. Suddenly, it was just the two of us, the carnival fading onto the background. "I was devastated," I admitted truthfully. "But not anymore. I know my purpose will always find me wherever I go."
There was a pleasant surprise on the man's face before he broke out into the most painfully beautiful smile I had ever seen. "I'm sure this world has been dying to give you your purpose back."
I went rigid at his statement. This world had been the one that orchestrated me and Jongho's end. It let me love and be loved again in return, and that same blessing turned out to be my biggest curse. I was this close to having it all, and now, I just stood still on the ashes of all my memories.
"Did I say something wrong? I apologize," he frowned.
I waved my hand. "No, you didn't. I, uh, just remembered something very unpleasant on my end."
He hesitantly held his hand out for me and motioned for me to grab it. "It's a beautiful day today," he mused out. "Would you like to ride that thing with me?"
He pointed at the big 'ol Ferris Wheel that was situated at the end of the fair, though it wouldn't have mattered. It was big enough for everybody to see. The way he smiled at me was of unbridled confidence and I can tell then and there, that he doesn't know how to lose.
"Let's," I smiled brightly and held his hand with the perfect squeeze and prolonged eye contact.
I could tell that it caught him off guard, but it didn't stop him from squeezing my hand back and leading me towards the line so we could get on the ride.
"Mind if I do this?" he asked, hesitantly putting his arms across my shoulder.
I shook my head. "Not at all."
My heart flipped incessantly in my chest when I felt him squeeze my shoulder once before pulling me plush on his chest. I blushed profusely, I can smell his cologne. It was fresh with hints of something citrusy, and by God, I couldn't help but close my eyes.
"Getting comfortable there, aren't we?" I could hear the smirk in his voice when I leaned my head against his shoulders.
I looked up at him with a playful smile. "Would you like me to stop?"
"No," he replied instantaneously. It was my turn to smirk at him.
It was pretty uneventful afterwards, and the next thing I knew, we were sitting across each other inside the little passenger cabin, or whatever that was called, and up we went really, really slowly, but surely.
The view from up here provided a perspective that only something from this afar would provide. It makes me realize that we are nothing but specks in this world, and our problems are usually so small compared to what everyone else has.
"The last time I was here was with someone really dear to me," he suddenly began to speak as he stared at the view with me.
I squirmed in my seat, but I forced myself to look at him. "I'm sure they loved it here as much as you did," I said. "Do you miss them?"
"There has never been a day where I didn't," he said, melancholy seeping in his voice and in my heart. He crossed his arms and heaved a sigh. "What about you?" He gave me a pointed look. "Have you ever been in love before?"
"Of course I have," I whispered, my voice thick and raw in the empty cabin we were in. "He had some things to finish, things that didn't involve me. Sometimes I think he already forgot me."
"What makes you think that?"
I smiled morosely at him. He was looking at me like I just tore my heart from my chest and presented it to him on a silver platter. "It's just my heart yearning for him," I shrugged. "I will forever treasure the rare love we both had, keep it as long as I live."
I lifted my head and looked him in the eye. "Even after everything, he was still the greatest thing that has ever happened to me."
"And what of you?" I asked when I saw that he wasn't going to say anything. "Have you ever been in love?"
He began to chuckle darkly, until he was fully laughing like I just said the most outrageous thing ever known to mankind. "The question is, when have I ever not loved you?"
He was done playing this little game and so was I. All I could do was stare at Jongho, I couldn’t afford to be surprised when he suddenly sat with me earlier because we were in public, but now that it was just us, I couldn’t help all the hurt that suddenly came crashing down on me.
But I wasn’t the only one. Jongho was struggling to contain himself, his breathing was laboured and any attempt to control his stance was long gone. “For three damn years,” Jongho chuckled bitterly. “All I ever wanted was you.“
I felt heat surge in my blood. “You were the one who left me,” I muttered. “You gave me misery I don’t want my enemies to feel.”
I almost didn’t want to forgive him. I could feel my bottom lip tremble so I bit it. I was terrified that if I let go, the dam would burst. Jongho heaved a shaky sigh, his eyes looking at me with such longing that I almost felt bad.
“I’m sorry,” his voice was thick with emotion. “I am so, so sorry, Y/N. I’m so tired.”
His voice cracked towards the end and I put my knuckles in my mouth to prevent myself from crying. How could I get mad at him? None of it was his fault, everything he did, both the good and the bad, all of it was to keep me safe from something he didn’t even want nor could control.
“You were my lifeline, whether you knew it or not,” Jongho began. “I’ve done a lot of stuff, things I had to do, and were forced upon me, but whenever I’d think of you, everything seemed to be alright, and whenever I was this close to losing myself, your image in my head always put me back on solid ground.”
“So please,” Jongho was shaking, trembling, as he put his hands up together like he was praying. "I'm begging you, Y/N, please have me. I’m so exhausted of not having you with me, I can’t take it anymore.”
I have never seen him this desperate before, or was I only seeing what I wanted to? Upon closer inspection, underneath all his handsome features was a man who lost his mind so long ago. His eyes were sunken, lips chapped, skin pale.
I’d made up my mind. I’d always viewed his love as something celestial, and he always made me feel divine. Despite all that happened, his eyes still held that gentleness I loved him for. He was my sweet summer sun, I could lay with him and always feel his warmth.
“I can’t survive without you anymore, blossom, I’m at my limit,” Jongho’s eyes reddened with emotions. “You don’t have to love me back like you used to and you don’t have to belong to me, but please, let me be yours.”
My heart began to beat so fast, I was scared that it was going to pop out of my chest and I wouldn't have time to catch it
He held my hand and held it tight. “Director Jeong and Director Kang were pleased at my work, and they gave me a lot of payment for it. It’s also for the life they stole from me,” he swallowed tentatively. “We’re set for life.”
I was hesitant, but he wasn’t done. “I bought a house for us and our future family, if you’ll have me. I know you sold the old house,” he said, his first tear falling on my hands. “My dreams are so small, but it looks much bigger when I picture you with me.”
That did it for me, and then I was hysterically crying. My emotions were all over the place, at first, it was my grief. It felt so strong that I couldn't help but drown in it. I haven't cried in a while - years even. The familiarity of my tears comforted me in a messed up way.
I felt myself being pulled on a firm chest. "It's okay, love, hush now, you're okay," he rubbed my back soothingly. "I'm here now, I'm not leaving you ever again..."
"What took you so long?" I sobbed pitifully, hiccupping at every syllable. I thumped my fists on his chest. "Goddamn it, Jongho, stop doing this to me, my heart can only take so much---"
I was hastily pulled onto the best kiss of my life. We were so rough about it too, I could feel both of our teeth clash onto each other because of how much we wanted to breathe each other in, but I didn't care. These were three years of longing, yearning for each other as our tongues danced with each other in a battle for dominance.
I could feel his tears mesh with mine and eventually we broke our kiss. "It's over, love, it's over," Jongho's hands were shaking so badly when he leaned his forehead with mine as he cupped my face. "I'm out of the CIA, I'm sorry it took me three years, but I had to make sure nothing will separate us again."
I could feel the waves of my grief lessen as Jongho kept whispering sweet nothings in my ear, and they slowly ebb into relief as my chest gets flooded with overwhelming love for this man.
"Don't cry, my love, I'm here now," Jongho whispered as he wiped my tears with his thumbs. He gave me the sweetest kiss on the tip of my nose. "I'm not going anywhere this time."
I couldn't help but giggle. "You promise?" I sniffled loudly. "I-I can't do this again, Jongho. I'm going to die this time if you leave me again."
"I'm never letting you go," he smiled tightly. He pointed outside the cabin. "Look."
I stared in awe. We were at the highest point of the Ferris Wheel and the colourful sun was beginning to set.
I buried myself onto his chest and he envelops me in a hug. "We made it," I murmured. He hummed. "I love you so much, Jongho."
I felt butterflies rush into my tummy, as if this was our first time all over again. He brought his lips closer to my ear. "I love you, too."
"How did you know I was here?" I couldn't help but wonder. "How did you find me?"
His embrace tightened and I couldn't help the sigh of relief that escaped me. If someone had told me days ago that I would be this happy, I would have laughed at their faces.
I never thought this day would come, and I'm not sure what the future holds, but I have a feeling that today marks the start of me and Jongho's happily ever after.
"I told you, didn't I?" Jongho smiled, grabbing my hand and planting a tender kiss on it. "My soul will always find yours."
going from makeshift chemistry to this was kind of a lot😭
but LORDDD do i love this so much🥲 when reader snapped nd went crazy it felt so raw and ugh
i was super excited when i checked ur profile and seen a jongho fic hehe had me giggling and kicking my feet and shit like i was so excited to read this and i'm so glad i did 😭 thank u for ur dark but beautifully written works i CANNOT wait to see what more u post 🤭
Oh, sweetheart. You went from crazy to emotional really quick on this one.
Thank you for your kind words, again! This is a personal favourite and to see it well-liked warms my heart. And I’m glad you mentioned that, that specific scene was difficult to write.
Coincidentally, this was supposed to be meant for Seonghwa. I decided last minute Seonghwa needed a darker one - Makeshift Chemistry.
Might I suggest my Yunho fic? I reckon that one will suit your taste a lot.
i have read that one and EUGHHH i think it was maybe my first fic i read of urs and i literally thought abt it for a week straight after i read it it is so my taste 🫶🏻 i tried looking for other fics like it too but nothing held a candle to urs and the emotions it made me feel 😫
omg.... all of ur work is so good i could never choose a fave if i tried but ...... makeshift chemistry altered MY brain chemistry like i felt crazy 😭🫶🏻
(going to see what else of urs i have not read rn🏃🏻♀️💨)
► 𝙿𝚊𝚒𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚐 - frat boy!san x college!Y/N ◄
► 𝚃𝚊𝚐𝚜/𝙶𝚎𝚗𝚛𝚎 - switched bodies!, plot with smut, cursing, betrayal, enemies-to-lovers, semi-funny, San is an !ass, but so are you, bickering while having sex, love-making, sweet sex (no rough fucking this time, ya nasty people), blowjob, name-saying kink, permission-asking, creampie, no protection (do NOT do this!)◄
► 𝚃𝚛𝚒𝚐𝚐𝚎𝚛 𝚆𝚊𝚛𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐 - MDNI, mentions of extreme violence, childhood abuse, body disfigurement (via burn marks), fighting scene ◄
► 𝚆𝚘𝚛𝚍 𝙲𝚘𝚞𝚗𝚝 - 18.1K (+ bonus scene!) ◄
► 𝚂𝚢𝚗𝚘𝚙𝚜𝚒𝚜 - Choi San was a man you harbor great loathing for. He betrayed you out of nowhere, and it cost you your whole life. You were ready to hate him for the rest of your life, until both of you were forced to work together after switching bodies, and then San claims he never betrayed you. How long will you pretend to be each other until you two get caught? ◄
► 𝙽𝚘𝚝𝚎𝚜 - Hello again <3 I wanted to publish this sooner but I wasn't feeling well so I had to take a bit of a break. This is definitely not my best work since this genre isn't my strongest suit. This is a work of fiction and is not meant to represent Ateez in real life. Join the taglist here. Title from A Day To Remember ◄
"So is anyone attending that party at the frat boys' dorms?"
I took a deep breath through my nose, hoping that the gesture would calm me down and not let my frustrations get the best of me.
Hyolyn, a close friend of mine, latches on my arm. "Our Y/N works a little too hard," she pouted. "You should come with us."
"You know I can't," I sighed. "It's not that I don't want to either, my finals are around the corner and I can't slack off."
Of course I wanted to go, just like the other normal people my age, and in college, no less. I wasn't the studious type nor was I someone who cared too much if my grades tanked, but I do want to graduate at least.
The cafeteria wasn't the ideal place for me to glance at my notes every now and then, but hey, the sooner I finish this, the sooner my life gets a bit easier and smooth sailing after.
"Ugh, can't they keep it down?" another friend of mine, Seolhyun, grumbled. She was the pretty but nerdy type, it made her charming. "I'm trying to study here, Professor Byun will literally fail me..."
I took an apprehensive glance at the far corner of the college cafeteria, and I couldn't help but be annoyed as well, and soon it became even rowdier when this particular group strolls in and creates more noise pollution.
"You fuckers be ready for the party tonight!"
"Beer pong anyone?"
"Everyone better attend and be ready to fuck things up!”
They were Ateez, a bunch of immature frat boys that took pride in annoying the living daylights out of everybody they encountered. They were loud, boisterous, and rambunctious.
I tried to get back at my sad excuse of a lunch - by that, I meant soggy veggies, gamey meat, cold soup, go figure - and my boring class notes, but the hairs at the back of my neck stood up. That's how I knew someone was watching me.
And I was right, someone was, or rather, someone was murdering me with their eyes.
Choi San.
He was seated at the far corner of the cafeteria along with the rest of cronies, leaned back a little comfortably on his chair with his arms crossed, and glaring at me with such intensity, and not participating at the rowdiness of Ateez.
"What the hell are you looking at?" I stared angrily.
He seemed to get the message. He shrugged his shoulders and glared harder. "What are you looking at?" he scowled.
I scoffed, the grimace clear on my face. "Can you guys keep it the hell down?" I mouthed at him wryly.
I gripped my pen so tight in my hand I'm surprised it didn't snap off. Oh, how I wanted to rip that menacing smirk off of his face. "What are you going to do about it?"
I stared at the way he licked his bottom lip then poked his cheek with the same tongue. He narrowed his eyes at me, waiting for the comeback that I always delivered to him, but not today, Satan. He looked at me with so much contempt, I was forced to look away.
"Guys, I have to go," I packed my stuff hurriedly in my satchel with a tight smile. I heard my friends complain under their breaths, I can't tell them but that the reason is that, mainly, I was avoiding San.
He was still staring at me with that nasty smirk he's always had. I had to resist the urge to march over to him and gouge his eyes out with a spoon.
Staring became our only form of communication for a couple of years now. It was a contest between us, and winning came with a reward - the satisfaction of seeing one of us falter.
San tilted his head curiously as he watched me pack my things. His eyes were unblinking, they were harsh enough to see directly right through me. Perhaps it was the way he looked at me that gave his intentions away.
I wasn't going to give in to him. I sneered at him, unwavering as I slowly walked towards the cafeteria's exit.
I grimaced when I realized I had to pass him in order to do so. Curse him, I thought bitterly. I'm fine, I just have to ignore him---
"Oh, oh, oh no," I panicked when I accidentally tripped on something and began falling straight to the ground face down.
This was it, the end of my social life, and the end of my reputation.
"Careful. You don’t want to fall on your face, do you?"
This was my nightmare personified - tripping and falling directly in San's arms. I sighed deeply, forcing myself to look at him as he held my waist a little too tight for my liking.
"Unhand me, you swine," I hissed, grabbing onto his arm and pushing it away.
San clicked his tongue mockingly. "I help and this is what I get in return? You wound me." He leaned close to my ear and whispered something soft enough for only the both of us to hear. "I get it. You've always acted like you have a stick up your ass."
I scoffed blaringly loud enough to catch pretty much everybody's attention. It was embarrassing, but my anger towards San prevailed.
"I'm sorry, were you dropped on your head as an infant?" I snapped. "Or were you just born stupid?"
Ohhs and a couple of laughs were heard across the cafeteria. His friends stared at us in amusement. San had a devilish grin on his face, but I knew him. The way his eyes glinted with something dangerous - he was angry.
"This isn't over," he growled lowly.
With that, I turned away from and left not only the cafeteria, but the university in general to head back to my dormitory. San always bought out the demon in me, and I was exhausted.
In the end, I decided to go to that party, even though one of his frat buddies, either Wooyoung or Mingi, hosted it. Needless to say, Hyolyn and Seolhyun were over the moon. I decided to get ready the moment the sun went down.
"You fool," I muttered, staring at the picture frame I always had on my table. I paused from getting ready and stared at it for a while.
It was San and me, grinning widely at the camera without a care around us. One glance and it was like we were in high school again, before all the dumb decisions and before we both drifted apart.
It's been four years since then and I will never get over the loss.
The party was unfortunately a blast. As much as I disliked San and his cronies, they sure knew how to throw a good one. The mingling bodies made it a little difficult for me to move around.
"Having fun?!" a boy in my class, Haechan, raised his voice so I could hear him from the loud music.
"Sort of!" I laughed loudly.
I was loosening up, maybe it was the alcohol, but nonetheless I moved my body to the rhythm of the songs that played in the background, chugging my beer from time to time. It was honestly fun, I haven't really gone much because I really did try to concentrate on my studies.
Suddenly, someone hastily grabbed my beer cup and sloshed it on the floor. "Hey!" I shouted.
I was being dragged roughly across the room, through the sea of drunk people and vomit, outside the house the party was. I groaned when I was harshly shoved against the wall.
"What the fuck are you doing here?"
I laughed contemptuously at San's pissed off face. "What?" I scorned. "I can't attend parties anytime I want now?"
San looked royally pissed. He had always been the intimidating bastard, and he'd always hated the disrespect I gave him.
"You?" San sneered. "You hate parties. Did you come here to embarrass me further? Haven't you had enough?"
My heart suddenly hurt as I stared at San's disdain, and I mourned the loss of my best friend all over again. We were everything to each other, until we just weren't.
San's eyes softened, and they mirrored the same loss I mourned for. It was always like this.
My eyes flashed with anger, I glared at him and showed him how mad I was. "Get off your high horse, Choi San. I'm not the same person I was years ago."
Something cold crossed over his face; touched the corners of his eyes and glossed over them like sharp winter frost. He let out a snort, but chose not to reply. He behaved like always until it made me crack.
I was angry and frustrated that he ruined my mood, and I was getting back at him for this. “Your group of bastards irritate me, you know?"
San laughed and shook his head. “Bastards like us are born out of passion, aren’t we? We are everywhere,” he jeered.
I smirked. He always hated it when I talked shit about Ateez. “I can’t say I particularly hate your little group—“
“No? How tolerant of you.”
“—-just you, San.”
San stares at me. “You hate me that much, Y/N?"
No, I thought, I hate them from stealing you away from me and you for going along with them.
“Yes.”
His brows shot up with the revelation and I stared at him with my heart racing. I haven't been this close to him in years. I scrutinized him - he was the most handsome in my eyes, but now more so that he'd matured. One thing that never changed was he always dyed a section of his hair blonde.
I hated that piece of hair. It always garnered him the attention he never deserved.
A searing smile curled at his lips and he chuckled in amusement. "I suppose the feeling is mutual," he smirked. "You feel tough because of your boy toy, what's his name? Jaemin?"
"That's none of your business," I gritted my teeth. I was pissed, Jaemin has been nothing but good to me.
He sneered at my annoyed stance. "Are you fucking him?"
"No!" I denied faster than I'd like. I rapidly shook my head at his accusation. Embarrassed, I tried to avert my eyes from him.
San chuckled lowly. "Go home," he said, but it sounded like a threat.
"Careful now," I chuckled without humour. "People are going to think we like each other if you keep cornering me like this."
Sans arched a brow at my defiance. He clenched his jaw, the irritation slowly getting to him. "Why?" he sneered. His fingers mockingly brushed against my arm. "You like playing hard to get?"
"Ugh! You are insufferable!"
"And you are a feisty little bitch," he snapped.
"Are you fucking serious?" I cursed, moving slightly to try and get away from his presence. "You're the absolute worst, I swear to God."
"I wish I gave a fuck," he sighed with a mocking laugh.
I was about to retort something dumb, something so stupid he'll have no choice but to let me go, when the loud cracking of the thunder interrupted us. It amplified the rain that accompanied me and San's childish argument.
Taking the chance, I pushed him off and tried to storm off in the rain to my car. I wasn't in the mood to party anymore. "Let me go," I said firmly when San stopped me by holding onto my arm.
"Don't be a kid," he rolled his eyes. "As much as I'd like to see you drenched and suffering, wait the rain out for a little, then you can fuck off."
I angrily shook my arms off of his grip. "Talk to the wall," I hissed.
"I'm serious, it's slippery out there," he nagged, following me when I began to walk off, but hesitating when the rain hit him. "Come on now, Y/N."
I flipped him off. I noticed his eyes grow dark, I recoiled a bit, but chose to go on. The rain was strong, but I managed to walk off, and then the inevitable slipping that San had warned me about came in time when I accidentally stepped on mushy grass.
I screamed, flailing my arms stupidly like it would break the fall, and break it did. Except that the real reason was because a pair of arms had broken my fall.
I stared at San's wet form holding me. "Are you okay--" he began speaking, but he too, had fallen victim to the slippery slope we were in.
I cursed as we both tumbled along and San let out this guttural groan when I fell directly on top of him. I didn't register it at first, but I felt something very soft land on my face...
"Mmph!" I whimpered. To be specific, something on my lips.
San and I looked at each other wide eyed, not moving as we were too shocked to do so when we realized that our lips had met.
Then came that dizzying sensation I had never, ever felt before in my entire life when San pulled away in daze. Before I could even register the fact that San and I basically kissed, albeit by accident, I started to lose consciousness.
"You're so disgusting you literally make me sick with a single kiss,"San slurred, his eyes slowly fluttering close like mine as he held onto me tightly.
I buried myself in San's arms, scared and confused to what was suddenly to the both of us. Did someone spike the drinks?
"Likewise," was the last thing I blurted out before both him and I slumped on the ground as the world started disappearing from both of us and fainting.
There was nothing, for a moment, at least.
And then it came, in the darkness, that wonderful dream I loved dreaming about. I dreamt about it so much that I subconsciously knew I was dreaming.
The vibrant, hectic space was bursting into life. To my right, the espresso machine sputtered slowly, its sounds resonating through the air, every now and then pausing to gasp some air whilst liquid gold flowed down to be served into a cup.
"A cappuccino for you, my lady," San teased as he gave me my cup and then sat opposite to me. "And a latte for me."
It was a beautiful summer bloom, with the busy college applications looming over us. I'm surprised that San and I even had time to hang out.
"Are you really coming with me?" I frowned. "You don't have to, Sannie. I can always visit you overseas, you know that."
San clicked his tongue. "That won't be necessary," he smiled, that cute dimple he had popping out from his cheeks. "I already rejected the offer, we'll be in the same college."
Guilt crept its way into my heart at San's excited stance, and of course, he takes notice. He grabs my hand and massages it gently.
"I'm serious, Y/N, it's okay. I'd rather be with you than be alone somewhere else," he said. "I...don't think I can live without you there."
I bit my lip apprehensively. "I don't want you to give up your dreams because of me," I whispered.
He shook his head. "I'm not," he assured. "What's the point of achieving them if I'm without you?"
"What am I going to do with you, Sannie?" I giggled.
I'd loved him the most when he did the thing - dancing - he was most absolutely passionate about. It was when his eyes twinkle despite the absence of emotion on his face. They were alive in the lights, burning with the motivation to succeed as if he has been through so much and more.
And when he glances at me the same way, it was when I felt loved the most.
I woke up in a cold sweat, my breathing laboured and intensive. Fresh tears started to well up in the corners of my eyes at that dream, for it was the last time I would ever call San my best friend.
Or rather, the love of my life.
I laughed bitterly to myself. That ship sailed a long, long time ago. At this point, I was in love with the memory of how he used to be - the sweetest, kindest man. Now he's just a cocky douchebag.
I sat up on the bed, and it was when I realized that I was in an unfamiliar room. I looked around, my heart beating a little too fast for my liking, and my head pounding really, really bad.
Odd, I thought. I'm not a lightweight, this can't be a hangover.
I panicked when I heard the bedroom door jiggle and a voice rang from the outside. "San, are you awake?"
I screamed bloody murder when the door opened and tried to cover myself up. I cannot be seen dead or alive within a ten mile radius with San. "Ahh!"
"Ahhh!" the other person screamed as well.
"Ahhh!" I screamed back.
"Ahh! Why the fuck are you screaming, San?! God, my ears are busted..."
San? I gritted my teeth in annoyance under the blankets. Why wasn't he saying anything? I swear if I get my hands on him I will wring his neck.
"San? Are you okay?"
I paled when I felt the blanket suddenly pried from me. All the excuses and scenarios in my mind on how to excuse myself and maybe bribe this man into not telling anyone I was in San's bedroom.
But nothing. The person that took the blanket away from me was none other than Jung Wooyoung, San's closest friend. The familiarity in his eyes when he looked at me was creeping me out a bit. Or maybe he was just used to San having women over. The thought left a bitter taste in my mouth.
"Get up, man. It's almost 10, I saved you some food earlier," Wooyoung spoke, looking at me expectantly. When I didn't reply, he frowned and touched my forehead. "You okay? You look sick."
I recoiled from his touch, and his frown turned deeper. "A-Are you talking to me?" I asked, squeaking pathetically when I realized that my voice wasn't my voice.
It was deep, rich, and it sounded a whole like San's.
Wooyoung cackled loudly. "Are you still drunk?" he jokingly hits my shoulders. "Unless there's another San in the room, then yeah, I'm talking to you."
An oncoming panic attack makes my heart beat erratically, the fear automatically bombarding my brain. The intense worry was overriding the rational part of my brain, not that there was anything rational about this.
I slapped myself hard, hoping to wake from this nightmare that I was in, but nothing. Wooyoung stares at me like I grew two heads. "Yeah, you're definitely still drunk," he mumbled.
When Wooyoung left the room, I got out of the bed so quickly that the blood rushed to my head fast and rendered me dizzy, but I didn't care. I ran to the big mirror at the corner of the room and stared at myself - or San.
"No, there is no goddamn way, this cannot be real," I muttered to myself, the mania and craze scattering my thoughts and making it impossible for me to think. "Oh my God, what the hell did I do wrong to deserve this?!"
Broad frame, toned arms and chest, almond-shaped eyes, white-stripped bangs, this was San. I brought my hand to touch my face, it was smooth, something I knew my skin wasn't. When I waved my hand dumbly in front of the mirror, I yelped when San's reflection looked back at me and did the exact same thing.
But wait, if I now San, where is the real San?
"I'll be right back!" I screamed at nobody in particular, trying very hard to appear normal when I rushed downstairs, tripping on a few steps, with a newfound vigor. The blush on my cheeks were still evident when I changed into San's clothes with my eyes closed.
It was hard because I would sweat when I'd accidentally touch what technically was his skin, but I can't just panic and mope around doing nothing. I have to find my own body.
"Ya! Don't slam the damn door!" I heard someone scream when I hurriedly ran out of the Alpha Tau Zeta frat house. It was probably Park Seonghwa. Rumour has it that he was a neat and clean freak.
I stumbled like a fool as I speed walked my way towards my own dorm house where hopefully San with my body was in. I cursed under my breath when I tripped again, barely catching myself. Curse San and how big he is!
How did this happen though? Was magic a real thing in this life all along? It didn't make sense, what kind of sick God was playing with our fates like this?
With no time to lose, I opted to jog and I was pleasantly surprised when I realized how easy it was to jog right now. But it wasn't me, San's body was the one with the insane stamina and strength to do so.
When I reached my dorm all the way to the end of the campus, I wasn't even panting or sweating. As I tried to make my way inside, the friendly security guard stopped me from walking further. It was something I appreciated living here, the safe security, but now I'm a little annoyed about it.
"Your name and who are you visiting?" the guard asked.
I cleared my throat apprehensively. "Y/N, ah, m-my name is Choi San and I'm visiting L/N Y/N."
It unnerved me to hear myself - San - talk and it was even more unnerving not to say my own name and use San's right now.
"Nope," the guard shook his head. "Miss Y/N did not put your name as a legal visitor for her."
It took a lot in me not to snort loudly in contempt. Of course I would never put San's name down. I never wanted to see his face near me ever again when I started living here.
I was about to appeal and try to sneak away, when I saw a familiar form by the doorway. My eyes widened when I saw myself seething and shaking with anger. Is that what I look like when I glare at San? I suppose no wonder he hates me.
"You," I hissed. I cringed when San stared back at me, maybe my face and body, but those eyes belong to San. It's definitely him in my body.
I marched over to him, ignoring the protests of the guard and dragged him into my room in a hurry, not caring if we both looked weird.
"Can you not treat me like a ragdoll? You're hurting me!" San barked, but not doing anything but following. It was weird hearing my own voice talk to me like this.
"Ah," I uttered sarcastically. "Now you know what I feel like when I tell you."
San glares at me and I had this urge to just submit, but I carry on. "Don't be a pussy, San."
It was true. San had a habit of grabbing onto my arm when he wanted something, especially now that his only goal in life was to drive me to my grave.
While me and San - or more like, San and me - were having the death march towards my room, the uncomfortable stares of the people we passed were undeniable. Everybody knew San and I hated each other, it wasn't necessarily a secret, so seeing us together was such a treat.
I had to stop myself from rolling my eyes. Sometimes I forget how shallow people can get. Is this the fame that San got everyday? Every stare was a mixture of confusion, awe, and lust.
"You can't just go out like this!" I screamed at a confused San when I closed the door behind me.
"Like what?" he asked. God, it felt weird to hear myself like that.
"That!" I incredulously said, hastily pointing at the nightgown San currently had on me. "You're basically naked, I'm basically naked!"
San rolled his eyes, plopping on my bed with a heaviness that annoyed me. "I tried putting on a bra," he mumbled, his ears red with embarrassment. "Don't look at me like that, I swear I did! How the hell do you women live with that thing? I couldn't breathe!"
I stared at him wide-eyed, a sudden thought infiltrating my mind and making me extremely nervous. "Did you, uhm," I stammered ridiculously. San lifted a brow to stare at me. "Did you look?"
He was confused at first, but when the realization dawned on him, his face reddened too. "No!" San boomed, clearly flustered at the accusation. I deadpanned at him. It was so fascinating.
"Contrary to your popular belief, I'm not like that," he scoffed, staring straight into me. "And you know it. I could say the same to you, though."
It was my turn to scoff at his ludicrousness. "Please," I sneered. "The little worm between your legs isn't even worth snooping at."
San crossed his arms with a dirty smirk on his face. "I suppose that's how I know you didn't look."
"Wha--oh," I faltered when I realized what he was talking about. He cackled when I threw a pillow at him. "You're disgusting," I spat.
Everything dawns on me all once now that we've talked a little and are in the comfort of my own room. Thank the Gods I insisted on having my own back then, or this would've been more of a nightmare than it already was.
We didn't say a word to each for a moment, lost in the discernment that we had actually really been switched - that this wasn't a joke and something had happened between us that we had no idea about.
I swallowed the lump that began to form in my throat. What if this was permanent? This could potentially destroy my life, and as much as I am upset with San, I don't wish to ruin his life, either.
I gasped softly when I felt my hand being massaged softly. "Calm down," San murmured. "We'll figure it out."
What was supposed to be relaxing, turned out to be nauseating for me. It's been so long and he still remembers what calms me down.
"This place is surprisingly nice," he said, looking around my room. "Who's paying the rent?"
"I am," I shrugged.
His grip on my hand tightens ever so slightly. "Your mom doesn't?" San asked in contempt.
I looked at him through his narrowed eyes. I can tell that there was no malicious intent behind the question, rather, he was sad. My chest pangs, it had that angst we both had when we were younger.
"As if," I scoffed weakly. "You know how it is, San..."
His eyes switched gears from contempt to cold anger that wasn't necessarily directed towards me. "Mark my words," he snarled. "One day, I will scrap that stepfather of yours, I swear to God, I'm going to--"
"You will do no such thing," I hissed angrily. "And how? Look at us, we're not in our real bodies right now! I don't know if it isn't obvious enough, but I'm not exactly the strongest bunch out there."
"That's not true," San dismisses.
"You don't get it do you? I'm so frustrated and I want to pound my hands on the floor like a toddler!"
"I get it, Y/N--"
"And it had to be you of all people! God, it's so easy to be cruel with you right now but I'm not like you---"
"Can you just shut your trap for once and let me think of what's happening?" San snapped, letting my hand go roughly.
In my panic, a stupid idea pops in my head. "It was the kiss wasn't it?" I blurted out. I grabbed his (my) shoulders frantically. "We can just kiss again and it will undo itself!"
His eyes widened comically when I leaned down and crashed my lips against his. When nothing happens, I kiss him over and over again, until he pushes me off of him.
"What the hell are you doing?!" San squeaked. It dawned on me what I had just done and I blush hard. The only time I got to kiss San was when I did it myself from his body. What a sad way to live.
"You act like I wanted to do that," I fretted, trying to change the topic. My brain exploded when I saw him lick his lips slowly and his throat bob up when he swallowed. "That's your brain thinking for you, really? N-Not that you ever used it," I stammered.
"It's called being rational," he sighed. "Something you're not."
"Wow, look who's talking," I scoffed. "Spoken like a true asshole, you don't even know what's going on."
"You really are a cunt, aren't you?" San insulted. "Can you just please listen to me for once?"
"Last time I did that, I was abandoned."
San paused, a flash of regret flashing through his eyes. He knew that I saw, but he made no effort to hide it, so he does what he does best - deflect blame.
"Ah, yes. You say that as if you were the first one to feel it, Y/N. What other insights have you bought me today?"
"I wonder if you're the worst person I've ever met. I hardly recall, but horrid people really do stand out, do they?" I rolled my eyes.
San sighed deeply, clearly frustrated. "Look," he began rubbing my temples. "We're going nowhere here, how about we research for now?"
He pointed at my bed where my laptop was. "We can use that for now. Do you have class today?"
This was how it was between him and I. We'd be fighting like cats and dogs then we'd work together temporarily to solve a problem. "No," I shook my head as I sat on my bed to grab the laptop. "I'm off for four days. Professor Lee is sick."
"Okay, good. We have the same professor," he sat beside me. My heart lurched when I felt the bed dip with the weight. "You want to use that or list information?"
"Paper," I mumbled, handing him the device. "You've always been better at technology."
It was the truth. He hummed in response, typing up stuff I barely even knew to begin with. "What was the last thing you remember last night?"
That was a good question. "I-I don't remember," I trailed off. "How did we both get home?"
"I was awake enough but not for long. I don't remember who took me, but I know Mingi took you home with what's her name, Saeyeon?"
"Seolhyun," I corrected. I felt my throat constricting with the newfound information.
What San really meant was, 'I fought to be awake until I saw you safe.’
"I'm surprised your bunch didn't leave me stranded out there," I scoffed.
To my surprise, San smiled lightly. "They're not what you think," he said. It left a bad taste in my mouth, but I suppose I respected the love he held for them.
And then we were silent. We brainstormed and tried to research every little thing about our case. It was genuinely frustrating and disheartening, most of the things we found ranged from the supernatural to just pure fallacy.
Our case was purely unique. That or nobody who has experienced it documented it for the world to see. I don't blame them, I wouldn't believe anyone unless I was certain it was fiction.
"What's up?" I asked San, who kept staring at me while I wrote every detail he told me to. Maybe all the anxiety and nervousness I held was because of the way his eyes held me a prisoner.
"Nothing," he shrugged. "It's just that we haven't been in the same room for a long, long time."
I held his stare with a curious look in my eyes. He was right, I hadn't even thought of that. "What exactly are you thinking?"
"That I'm glad it was you," he answered with raw honesty. "This situation isn't ideal for the both of us, but I'm less terrified because it's you."
A puzzle piece of my heart once fell down, because it knew it never belonged there anymore. San left, he didn't belong with me anymore. It struck a nerve, what he just said, because I felt the exact same way - it was either him or nothing.
I nodded, holding my breath because if I didn't, I would say something I will regret. "Did you find anything?"
The small smile on his lips faded, but he nodded despite his feelings. It broke my heart to downgrade my expectations of him. "No," he cleared his throat. "Move in the frat house for the time being with me."
I raised a brow at his suggestion, but on the inside, my heart wanted to leap out my chest and onto San's hand. "Why?"
"I can't stay here, your roommates will notice," he explained. "And you can't stay alone in the frat house. They might look and act like idiots, but they're the furthest from it. They will know."
As much as I hated to admit it, San was right. "Where am I going to stay though?" I frowned.
"In my room. You sleep on the bed, I'll take the floor. We have extra futons," he shrugged nonchalantly.
I agreed immediately. I packed whatever essentials I need and some clothes enough to last me a while, because something is telling me that we're going to be like this for a while.
I left a note for Hyolyn and Seolhyun, saying that I'm going to stay with a friend for now because they're in trouble. Hopefully they don't sense that it's San.
"Don't get any ideas though," I mumbled when we both reached the front door of his frat house. "We're not friends."
He smirked as he rang the doorbell. "Wow. What's got you questioning our friendship?"
"I'm not questioning our friendship, San. I'm denying its existence."
San was about to retort something stupid, when the door suddenly opened. I had to stop myself from drooling at the sight in front of us. It was Kang Yeosang.
"Sannie?" a shirtless Yeosang appeared from the doorway. I knew he was handsome, but goddamn. "Why are you ringing the doorbell?"
I felt a sharp jab to my side, it was San elbowing me. "Uh, h-hi, can I s-stay here with him--her!" I stammered pathetically.
Yeosang stared at me like I was crazy. "You live here, San."
Fuck.
Before I could incriminate myself further, San grabbed my arm and began pushing past an even more confused Yeosang. I heard him - me - curse under his breath when we reached the living room.
Everyone was in there, I mean literally every single one of them, Ateez, were just lounging. They all turned to us with a mixture of shock and bewilderment. I get it, though. Me and San being together in one room without fighting was a miracle in itself.
"Don't ask!" San shouted as he dragged me into his room. It must have been because all they see is a tiny woman dragging a bigger man.
When he closed the door behind us, he laid it all out on me. "Seriously, Y/N?" he hissed. "Yeosang got you panting like a bitch in heat?"
"What can I say?" I taunted him. "I appreciate a hunk when I see one."
"You're lucky it wasn't Jongho," he seethed as he arranged the extra futon he was referring to on the floor. "Jongho would've literally chewed you out on the spot for acting weird."
I didn't bother replying. How was I supposed to tell him that he has been the only guy I've seen shirtless before?
We decided that tomorrow is another day, hopefully back in our respective bodies, and we can discuss tomorrow about our next move. For now, we will sleep.
It was comfortable, at least for me, I was in San's bed wrapped up in his scent. I shamelessly inhaled his pillow deeply, God, I've always loved his scent even before and especially now. I sighed, not being able to sleep despite being comfortable. He's matured now, both in looks and the way he acts.
After an hour or so of just thinking, sleep crept up to me, until it didn't.
"Y/N?"
My mind didn't register what I was hearing until San repeated my name over and over again. I got up and saw him already sitting down on the bed. "San? What's up?" I asked groggily.
"Can you help me? I-I'm scared," he stuttered, shaking his leg a bit. I guess some things don't change, San always does that when nervous.
I turned the lampshade he had on so I could take a better look at him. He was pale and genuinely scared. My heart started to hammer against my chest and I grabbed his hand out of reflex.
"Sannie?" I gently asked. "Tell me what's wrong."
"I-I think I'm dying," he professed. "M-My stomach h-hurts bad..."
Well, that woke me up completely. "Come again?" I blinked repeatedly at him.
With shaking hands, he pointed at the floor and at first I didn't see it, but when my eyes focused, I saw what appeared to be droplets of blood.
"Sannie," I called out. "Stand up for me, I need to look at something."
He did as asked and I sighed. As expected, the crotch area of his pajamas had blood on them. For the first time in a while, I felt bad for him.
"I'm sorry," I apologized genuinely. "I didn't know I'd be having my period so soon."
San's face drops in realization and relief when he hears that it was only technically 'his' period and he wasn't bleeding randomly to death. "Seriously, though?" I teased. "You had a sister and a mother, how could you not know?"
"You had me and male friends but you technically didn't know how it felt peeing from a dick," he snapped.
"Touché," I chortled. I stood up from the bed and put a soiled shirt of mine on the bed and guided him to lay down on it. "I'm gonna go back to my dorm to get some pads for you," I mumbled.
"No need," he groaned. "Ask the first person you see downstairs. We have them on stash somewhere for people who visit."
I raised a brow at that. "You got so many bitches come over, you have feminine products on standby?"
San narrowed his eyes on me. "I told you," he gritted his teeth. "We're not like that. Hurry up, please. I think I'm going to throw up."
I laughed on the way out of his room. I want to leave him to suffer honestly, but unfortunately, I'm not like that. It was satisfying enough for a man to experience how difficult periods are for women.
I went back to the living room since it was the only place I knew for now, and I wasn't surprised to see it empty except for one man - Jeong Yunho.
The senior law student sensed my presence and turned to look at me in surprise. "You're still awake?" he asked with a smile.
"I could say the same to you," I laughed nervously, hoping to appear normal by joking around. As far as he knows, I'm San. "D-Do you know where the pads are?"
I was expecting him to be disgusted and make a nasty joke about it, after all, most men are, but no. He nodded with a hum. To be fair, Yunho was well known on campus to be a gentleman, but still.
"We're out of them," he sighed. My heart dropped low in my stomach when he said it, but then he continued. "I'll see if I have some in my room. Come with me."
"In your room?" I asked flabbergasted as I followed him.
"Yeah. Yeni usually leaves hers here in case of an accident," he mumbled, rummaging through his unsurprisingly organized room. "I'm assuming Y/N had hers?"
I nodded slowly. Yunho acknowledged me with another hum. "You can ask Seonghwa for the stain remover. Check the balcony."
My mouth dropped in surprise. Yunho is talking about periods like it's the most normal thing in the world! While it is, frat boys are the last people on Earth to be totally fine with it!
"Here," Yunho handed me a couple of pads. "Goodluck, man."
When Yunho left, I was still frozen on the spot. On campus, Ateez were the typical party boys that ruled and were worshiped by everyone. There were many who disliked them, including me, but have I misunderstood them?
We'll see. Maybe it's only Yunho. I traversed through the whole house, careful not to be too loud since it was past midnight, and the balcony wasn't actually too difficult to find. I blushed when I saw a serious looking Seonghwa only wearing a tank top while he was buried in a mountain of books.
"Yunho?" I heard him ask without looking in my direction.
I was extremely nervous at this point. What if I say something and he'll catch on and figure out that I'm not San?
"N-No, it's me," I whispered. God, pretending to be San was a lot harder than it seemed.
He pauses from reading and looks up at me. I gulped when his sharp eyes hit me. From a distance, even on campus, Park Seonghwa had always looked intimidating to me, and right now, I wanted to bury myself in the ground with his scrutiny.
"San," he drawled with a small smirk. He glances at the pads on my hand. "You need the stain remover."
I nodded, not daring to say a word. It was unsettling, the way he looked at me as if he could see right through me. "Well?" Seonghwa asked in a tense voice.
"W-What?" I stammered.
"You bring the girl that hates your guts without me and Hongjoong's permission, you don't have anything to say about that?"
I bit my lip apprehensively. I'm going to strangle San the minute I get the hell out of here. "I-I'm sorry," was all I could say.
He sighed deeply. "I'm sure you have your reasons," he mused. "I don't mind her, I quite admire her spirit. She doesn't conform to the status quo and doesn't worship us mindlessly for no reason."
I didn't know if I should be even more terrified now or flustered with the compliment. "However," he continued. "Hongjoong is different. He's a little upset you're not standing up for yourself when she badmouths you. You're lucky he's at his internship abroad."
"It's not like you don't know I hate her as well," I blurted out before I could stop myself, but it was too late. I won't be scrutinized here when San hates me more.
"You do?" Seonghwa was puzzled. "But I thought," he sighed. "Whatever, you'll figure it out. Run along, stain remover is in your bathroom. I cleaned it earlier. I'll buy some ice cream for her. Did you get the warm compress?"
I was flabbergasted. "What?"
Seonghwa rolled his eyes. "For her cramps, you half wit. No wonder she hates you."
I thought nothing could shock me anymore than Yunho's kind attitude, but Seonghwa cleaning the bathroom? And he's pretty nonchalant about periods too! How in the world are they so normal about this? Of course I knew what warm compresses are!
And these are exactly what I told San when I came back to the room. Telling him that they ran out of pads was embarrassing, and apparently the pads I got were for when Yunho's cousin comes over, and the interaction with Seonghwa.
"Are you scared of Hongjoong?" San asked. He looked too amused for my liking.
"I'm more scared of Seonghwa, to be honest," I shrugged. "Put this blindfold on, I'm going to undress you."
San blinked at me, but did so anyway. It felt damn weird technically dressing myself. We got into the shower and San surprisingly wasn't making lewd comments, but I can see the blush rising up on his cheeks. It was my body, so I knew how it functioned.
"Seonghwa looks intimidating because of the way he carries himself," San said as I took my pajamas off of him. "I remember being more terrified of Hongjoong when I first met him. His tongue is sharp---can you be careful? It's ticklish."
"You know I'm ticklish," I mumbled. "Sharp how?"
"In a sense that he doesn't have to stick a knife in your chest to kill you," he chuckled. "How long do I have to wear these?"
"I'll let you know if we have to change it," I replied with my own blush. It felt so damn weird changing San, but technically it was my body I'm putting clothes on. But still, maybe I should just let San see my body?
I shook my head apprehensively, my face getting redder and redder because of how ludicrous my own thoughts were. No way I'd let him see even if it was hard.
"This feels so fucking weird," he whined as he kept adjusting himself. "It feels like I'm wearing a diaper!"
For the first time since we had switched bodies, I couldn't help but laugh out loud at his claim. San looks at me weirdly before laughing out loud as well. My heart didn't hurt this time, rather, I felt it healing.
"Usually, I'm a tampon person," I wiped an imaginary tear from my eyes. "But I don't think you will appreciate something inside you."
San's cheeks look like tomatoes at this point. "Yeah, you're right," he mumbled. "Thanks for the compress, it feels better."
I glanced at him shifting uncomfortably on the floor, tossing and turning to find the perfect sleeping position, but to no avail.
I sighed. "San," I called out. He took a peek at me. "Sleep here for now," I said, patting the side of the bed softly. His eyes widen into saucers. "Please."
He stayed unmoving, contemplating whether I was being serious or not. I don't blame him, this is the gentlest we've both been to each other since four years ago. When I scooted to make some space, he had resolved and decided to lay down next to me.
"Thanks," he groaned in pain after. "So this is what you guys go through every month?"
"Mhhm," I mumbled. "I'll help you."
"Why?" he smirked. "We're not friends, right?"
I pretended to be asleep so I could avoid him. I hope he can't hear how loud my heart is beating right now. He gave up and fell asleep himself. I can feel his body heat next to me, searing hotly. We used to sleep in one bed when we were younger, so what makes this one any different? I had no idea.
Soon enough, I didn't have to pretend to sleep. Then, I had another dream...
I winced in pain when San dabbed an alcohol-soaked cotton ball on my lips. "Please, Sannie, it really hurts," I cried.
"Shh, just bear with it okay? I don't want it to get infected," he hushed, his brows furrowed in concentration mixed with a little bit of displeasure.
"A-Are you mad?" I squeaked.
"No. Stay still."
"But you look mad."
He sighed, his hand caressing my cheek. I lean into it, hissing in pain once more. I forgot I had a bruise there as well. He cursed under his breath.
"I'm not mad," he confessed, his fingers lightly tracing the bruises, both old and new, across my face and neck. "At least not at you."
I gasped lightly when planting a small kiss at my forehead, his lips lingering on my skin longer than it should. "I'm so sorry, Sannie."
"Stop," he warned. "I never want to hear that from you." He plants another kiss on my bruised cheek. Suddenly, the pain wasn't there anymore. "I'm going to kill them, Y/N, I swear I'm going to," he growled.
I held his hand and gripped on it. Tears started falling from my cheeks and his eyes softened. "I-I'm fine, please don't," I begged. "He's just stressed, that's all--"
"Oh, for fuck's sake, enough of that bullshit!" San roared loudly, slamming his hands on the table. I whimpered loudly at the sound. "He's supposed to be your father, Y/N, and look at what he's doing to you!"
"I know, San, please," I wept.
"You have to report this, Y/N, I don't want to see you in a morgue one day," he pleaded. "If your mom had still been alive..."
His voice cracked towards the end. I pulled him towards me in a reassuring hug and we cried together as good friends did. "Live with me, Y/N, I'll take care of you," he implored in a way that broke my heart into little pieces.
And just like before, I have to tell him that I can't. "My stepfather will find me," I sobbed. "I can't let him hurt you."
That night I slept in San's room, on his bed while we talked all night about our dreams, with all the love and appreciation I never got with my own family.
The bloody period, figuratively and literally, was over and me and San took a break from all the fighting because even though I laughed at his pain, I did feel bad. My cramps often left me unable to walk sometimes.
I have to say, it wasn't all that bad. I have found utmost joy in opening jars that I wouldn't usually normally have in my real body. I can also reach higher places now and experience my feet touching the floor whenever I'm sitting down. In turn, I had to laugh at San's experience. He's so used to being big and strong and he's experiencing the opposite of mine.
"Can you stop pouting and act normal?" San hissed at me. "You're going to ruin my reputation like that—stop fiddling with it!"
"I'll just replace it with something else," I protested with an edge to my voice. "Seriously, it looks stupid."
San glared at me while fixing his jeans, my jeans, on him. "It's just an earring," he rolled his eyes dramatically. "I wear what you tell me, you don't see me complaining, do you?"
I sighed, annoyed. "Fine."
"Why? I can't do fashion?" he raised a brow at me.
We set out to leave my dorm this time. We've perfected our routine somewhat, by nighttime we go to the frat house, but by dawn we leave to go to mine before everyone wakes up. It was flawless because my roommates barely stay, the last thing I want is for people to think me and San live together. At least on my end. Surprisingly, Ateez has been very hush-hush about it.
"You tell me," I scoffed as we both walked towards campus. "I take it's the same reason you always dye your bangs blonde."
San paused from walking, stiffening as he stared on the floor with a faraway look in his eyes. I frown, looking back at him. He was already staring at me seriously. "Meaning?"
I shrugged nonchalantly. "What else?" He waits expectantly. "Come on, you know why. Do you not hear and see the other girls flocking and moaning your name repeatedly when they see you?"
He narrowed his eyes. "So basically, what you mean is I do it to pick up some pussy."
I was taken aback by his vulgarity. "Is there any other reason?"
"I don't know, have you ever seen me entertain a girl?"
I stop and all is quiet, hardly even a breeze around us. I bit my lip, deep in thought. He was right, there were obviously playboys but San's name was never involved in it.
He smirked, and I had to stop myself from cringing. Did I look that dumb when I did it? "So tell me," I dismissed.
"Let's just keep the peace, shall we?"
Taking a deep breath, we walked in the common area, the hallways, and the moment we did, people started talking. It was a horrible symphony I've heard over and over, but never before towards me. What would you do if fire and ice started acting as if they went well with one another?
"I didn't take you to be a philanthropist," I muttered, deflecting the whispers and the stares. The stares I got as San was good, but the stares that San got as me were the opposite, and he was taking it well.
"Well, we didn't necessarily get along that well, didn't we?" San smirked. "We still don't. Anyway, let's summarize what we researched so far before we get in class."
"Nil, zilch, nada, zip. Nothing except that it might be a curse," I sighed.
"Do you believe in that?" San frowned.
"It's a bit too late not to," I laughed sarcastically. "We're not in our respective bodies."
"Right. Do you remember what happened that day?"
"It was raining, we were fighting, then accidentally kissed, then boom."
San stared at me, amused at the blush on - his - my cheeks. "We kissed again," he smirked. "Never really undid it, so that's out."
"This was a bad idea, we can't talk here," I shuddered at the stares directed towards us.
Suddenly his phone rings, and he frowns when he sees the caller ID. "It's Mingi," he sighed. "Pick it up."
I took the phone reluctantly. "What should I say?"
"Just go with whatever. He just looks rough but, Mingi's harmless," he assured. "Oh, and call him Mangi."
I raised a brow. I can't imagine the daunting Song Mingi being called by a cute nickname. "H-Hello? Mangi?"
"Oh, Sannie!" I was surprised how deep Mingi's voice was on the phone. "It's game night tonight before Thanksgiving, you in?"
"Yes?" I squawked out when San stomped on my foot. This brat!
"You sound unsure?" Mingi chuckled on the other end. "Figures. You've been with her lately. Finally, you learned how to have some balls. How is she anyway? Haven't seen her since that night."
I raised a brow. I decided to ignore that, it must be fraternity lingo. "G-Good, a little frazzled, but good."
"Good to hear. Well, tell her we all wish her good luck at the finals. I'll see you."
"Wait--oh damn," I trailed off when Mingi hung up. "What do we do?"
San took his phone back and patted my shoulders hard. I glared at him. "What else? You go," he smirked. "I have an exam to take, do I?"
I pushed his hand away from me. Here we go again. "Choi San, I've been studying my ass off for the very exam you're going to take for me," I hissed. "If you fail, I swear to God I will sell my soul to Satan just so I could live longer than you and shit on your grave when you die."
He cackled very loudly. "Oh my, that was a good one," he grinned. "Easy peasy, I'll take care of it."
"San, I'm being serious, please."
"I am too," he retorted, clearly offended. "You think I can't handle it? My major is harder and you know it."
"Biology and Economics are two very, very different things," I rolled my eyes. "You think this is peanuts?"
"Yeah, what did you major in? Stupidity?" San chuckles sardonically. I was about to slap his arm but then I stopped when I remembered that for now, I'm not a woman - that meant I would be a man hitting a woman. San seemed to realize it as well and smirked dirtily in my direction.
"I'll definitely fail you---"
"San!"
"Go to the frat house," he shrugged. "And pack your things after."
"Why? You're kicking me out?" I sarcastically asked.
"No," he scoffed. "Thanksgiving at my parents. You up?"
I paused, my features softening. I haven't seen his parents in years, the only people who actually cared for my well being and helped me when I needed it the most. I was forever grateful to them.
"Which car?" I asked.
His face lit up and I had to smile a little. "You wanna drive?" San smiled back.
The smile I was holding back showed itself at the question. I nodded enthusiastically. San remembered. When we were younger, driving was the only thing that relieved my stress when my stepfather abused me.
"What the hell are you looking at?" he hissed when I zeroed in on someone I saw walking from behind him. "Hurry before Mingi calls again!"
"Hold on, my senior is approaching, please act normal," I glared at him. "Or I will skin you alive."
“Ha! I’d like to see you try,” he rolled his eyes. “Seriously? You’re going to give us out!”
And just like that, we were back at our old ways of bickering. A really good friend of mine, Jeno, approached me with the cheeriest smile on his face while San and I just walked aimlessly around the campus.
"That's him? Seriously?" San snapped. "Wasn't that the guy who had been crushing on you since freshman year?"
"How the hell did you know about that?" I stared at him accusingly.
"Word travels fast," he shrugged, clearly annoyed. Then, he had this devilish grin on his face.
"Don't you dare, Choi San, don't you fucking dare---"
"Hey, Y/N!" Jeno finally jogged to both of us, panting a bit to catch his breath. He turns to me and nods slightly. "San."
"I'm sorry, what's your name?" San asked Jeno with that innocent look I used a lot on him.
My eyes widened and the world stopped for a moment. "Uhm, don't you remember me?" Jeno laughed nervously. "It's Jeno?"
"Nah, I could have sworn it was something dumber than that," San grinned mockingly.
Both Jeno and I gasped in shock at San's antics. I grabbed him before he could incriminate the both of us further. "Ah," I interrupted. " I hate to cut this short, but wow, I forgot we had to hurry and leave, haha."
"Yeah, you do that," Jeno trailed off in a daze.
I dragged San rather harshly, not caring if the people around us thought that I was manhandling a poor woman, yeah, my ass!
"What the fuck is wrong with you?!" I screamed at him. "You can't just act like that when you don't like someone?"
San looked at me mockingly. "What, you like him, is that it?"
"Are you for real?!" I gritted my teeth. "Why are you dead set on ruining my life? Ugh!"
"I don't have an ax to grind with you though," he grinned.
"No, San. You just want to bury it in my back!"
I walked off and he followed me while he laughed his ass off. God, we were such a ticking time bomb together. Soon enough he was able to catch up to me, and before we knew it we were pretty much at the frat house at this point. We kept bickering and bickering, our taunts borderline offensive at this point.
True to his word, Mingi did call back just like San predicted. "This isn't over!" I glared at him.
With that, I put all my trust in San and went running to the frat house. I collected all the nerves I had stood strong in front of the door.
Truth be told, my heart was pounding extremely fast. Even though they seemed kind so far, that was when I - technically San - was here. Now it was just going to be "just the boys".
"Hey, there he is! The man of the hour," Mingi beamed, ushering me inside where food and drinks lay all over the living room.
"What's all of this?" I murmured, sitting beside the only person I knew so far - Wooyoung, since he would pester San - me - a lot, and for absolutely no reason, Yunho.
"You've been acting weird since you passed out that night," Yeosang shrugged. Cold sweat dripping from my scalp, did they know? I laughed nervously.
"What the hell is going on?" Yunho started. "Seriously San, are you okay?"
"Y-Yes, why do you ask?" I stammered, my heart beating a thousand miles per hour. The room felt small, like it was closing in on me.
"Something's wrong with you," Yunho narrowed his eyes. "It's like you're not you, for some reason."
I was nauseous at the remark, and I have never ever felt the urge to throw up like I was feeling right now. Were we and San that bad in acting?
"You don't talk to me anymore either," Wooyoung frowned. It was the most serious I've ever seen him. "Is it her?"
My chest felt like it might explode from all the questions getting thrown at me. It clicked all of a sudden - did they plan this "game" night just to pry? Did they know?
"Listen," Seonghwa sighed, reaching over to pat me on the shoulders. "Let's solve this before Hongjoong comes back. Tell us, San, do you have a problem?"
"No, I don't I swear!" I remarked a little too enthusiastically than I wanted to.
"Relax, we're not mad at you," Seonghwa frowned. "Mingi, tell everyone what you noticed."
The deep-voiced, criminal justice senior student cleared his throat. "The fact that you and Y/N come back late at night when you think no one is awake?" Mingi smirked. "Or is it when both of you leave at dawn when you think nobody is awake?"
This is where me and San fucked up. Of course everyone would notice, Mingi was the son of a renowned detective, Yunho was a law student, Seonghwa took sociology, Yeosang and Wooyoung were just damn observant. Jongho, I don't interact with that much.
"Is college getting too hard on you? Affecting your mental health?" Wooyoung thoughtfully asked.
Yeosang shook his head in amusement. "It's alright, we know you're pussy whipped."
I blush in embarrassment. San? With me? Impossible.
"I mean I get it," Wooyoung cackled with that annoyingly loud screech of his. "She's the talk of the campus right now."
My brain shut off immediately. Me? My eyes slowly widened with the thought of San doing something that will embarrass the living hell out of me. "W-What? Why?"
"Oh, you haven't heard?" Yunho raised a brow. "Your girl did a little too well on her finals. Who said it, Woo?"
"Changbin," Wooyoung chimed in. "He supervised the presentation and written exams." He teasingly wiggled his brows. "Said it reminded him of how you talk, it's like you guys switched bodies for a day or something."
I froze at that comment, my face twitching in an attempt to stop myself from falling apart at the moment.
I looked around and sighed in relief, it was just a joke. That was a close call. I’m literally sweating out of my pores. I tried to distract myself by listening to their banter, and soon enough, everyone forgot about me.
Except for one person.
Choi Jongho kept zeroing on me with an expression I couldn't pinpoint. I knew that he's aware that I noticed, yet he didn't look away. It was like he was dissecting me alive with his eyes and studying the composition of what made me, well, me.
I tried to brush it off, San did mention that Jongho was the atypical maknae - he didn't revel in being the youngest, rather, he would exercise its power and use it against everyone. If he wasn't staring at me like this, I would have found it cute.
"Ya, Mingi, stop clowning around and pass the food," Yunho rolled his eyes.
"Seonghwa is nearer!" Mingi blurted out.
I laughed when the dragon-looking elder raised a brow and everyone was suddenly friendly again to each other.
"Going home for Thanksgiving?" Yeosang asked curiously. I nodded, not wanting to say a word in case I gave myself away. I put food in my mouth so I have an excuse.
As much as I hated to admit it, but I understood why San chose them over me. They were fun to be around, and it was the type of friendship that extended outside college; it was the type you'd have forever.
Suddenly, the door opened and we all turned around to see San - technically it was my body - standing by the doorway. It got silent as everyone stared at him as he slowly went upstairs. I saw the pain in his eyes and I felt awful because he couldn't join in.
"Y/N, don't go."
It was Jongho. "There's plenty of meat for everyone. Come."
My heart swelled. That was technically San in my body, but in extension, it was like Jongho was asking me to join. I felt relieved, they never really talked to "me" like that, just the occasional greeting.
And just like that it was back to normal. I can tell San was happy, meat was his favourite food after all.
I dropped my chopsticks. They clattered on the table and no one seemed to notice. I looked at the meat, and then San, and then Jongho, who was already staring at me with a blank look in his eyes.
My eyes widened when he smiled, genuinely smiled, at me. He mouthed something I quickly understood because San said the same thing to me.
"I'm glad it was you."
I felt like crying when we finally reached San's parents house after a couple of hours driving. Nostalgia hit me hard as I stared at the door, a symbol of hope I had when I was younger.
"Let's take it easy here, okay?" San knocked on the door a couple of times. "I don't want my mom suspecting anything."
"As long as you don't piss me off we're good," I rolled my eyes, fixing my outfit even though I have to pretend to be San anyway.
"I can't help it," he chuckled. "We have to figure out how to survive, I suppose. Plus, it's only 2 days. You got something?"
"Yeah, San. High blood pressure."
San laughed really loud. "I love your comebacks," he drawled. "It turns me on--"
He was interrupted when the door suddenly opened before I could smack San. There stood the person who took care of me the most, smiling with tears of joy in the corner of her eyes.
"Oof!" San exclaimed when his own mom hugged him - me - instead.
"Y/N, my dear, I'm glad San," she glared at me, thinking I was her son. I had to stop the urge to laugh. "Finally bought you home! Oh, it's been so long!"
"L-Long time no see, Mo--Mrs. Choi," he nervously laughed, glancing at me for help. I pretended that the floor was suddenly interesting.
"Come along, both of you, I prepared so much food," she beamed, grabbing both of our hands and leading us inside the house. I loved how she always reached out to me first even after all these years. I knew San didn't mind either.
We exchanged greetings with his father, who also stood by me, and his sister, a friend I had when San was busy. Even the most mundane things felt so normal to me here. Finally, after so long, I was finally home.
When we were seated at the dining table, my soul felt at peace when I sat in my original seat. They cared for me so much, they designated a chair for me. It's a shame San ruined everything.
"So, biology treating you, kiddo?" Mr. Choi smiled at me while he put some meat on my plate. "Eat up, son."
"Wonderful. Graduating this year," I replied. I kept my answers short even though I had so much to tell. It was just how San was.
Mr. Choi put his hand on my shoulders and I couldn't help but smile at it. Granted, he thought it was his son, but still. I'm going to take all that I can get. He mentions how proud he was and I couldn't help but revel in it.
Dinner was pretty fun, the most I've had in years. We just fell into the rhythm, not caring about what will happen to both of us in the future.
"So, Y/N, any news I should know between you and my Sannie?" Mrs. Choi beams, wiggling her eyebrows in a teasing manner.
San continues eating, and I clear my throat. He looks startled and I point my eyes sharply at his mom. "I'm sorry?"
Mrs. Choi giggles like a teenage girl looking for gossip. It was honestly so cute. "Anything going on between you and San?"
San heaved a long sigh. "No, Mom, nothing is," he grumbled silently.
I choked on my food, and everyone's utensils clattered on their plates. This idiot!
He noticed everyone looking at him with wide eyes. "W-What?" San cowers a bit at the attention. As if lightning hit him, his own eyes widened and he started to wave around like a fool as he realized what was up. "No, no, wait, it's not--"
Mr. Choi hits my back proudly and I choke more. "That's my boy! Finally, we knew this would happen!"
We couldn't even put a word in, Mrs. Choi was already tearing up and sniffling and hugging San. He gulped when I glared at him hard. Communication by staring does wonders for both of us. "Oh, finally, my babies are together," she sniffled.
And that was how we both ended up in his room together despite protesting that we shouldn't.
"You blithering idiot!" I laid it all on him, and pulled his - my - hair hard. Now I get why people do it.
"Ow!" San screamed furiously. "Stop! You ungrateful bitch that hurts!"
"You slipped, how can you slip?!" I screamed.
He got pissed and reached up to pull my ear down in his direction. I yelped in pain. "That's my mother, how can I not miss?!"
"Your mom thinks we're dating! Are you okay with that?" I pushed him down rather aggressively. He glared at this 'you-dare-use-my-own-strength-on-me' look.
"It's fine. That's where it will end anyway," he shrugged, plopping on his bed lazily.
"No. I'd rather gouge my eyes with a spoon," I scoffed, but on the inside, I was screaming in confusion.
He raised an offended brow up. "Goddamn it, if you think I'm unattractive just fucking say so."
"That's the problem, San. I think you're alarmingly attractive."
A dark look passes through his eyes. It's crazy that even though I was looking at my own eyes, it looked so much like San's instead. Before I could take back what I said, I was pulled harshly towards the bed. I yelped when the bed came in contact and my breath stopped when I saw San hovering over me.
"So, you think I'm hot?" San smirked.
I tried very hard not to look in the eye, focusing on the ceiling as if it was the most interesting thing in the world.
"I think you're insane," I laughed nervously.
"You know what?" San whispered. "Maybe this weird shit happening to us wasn't so bad after all."
I completely stopped breathing when he leaned down to my ear, the same ear he pulled earlier. "We would've graduated and never saw each other again."
That was true. All I ever wanted was to move on with my life, and I was prepared to do it without San, even though it would have killed me.
"You betrayed me," I whispered back, my voice cracking with all the emotions I hid from him all these years ago. "You gave me back to that monster. Look."
With a shaky hand, I pulled the dress I made him wear on my body to reveal a badly disfigured shoulder. It was ugly; disgusting. The skin was mangled with burn marks and had darkened in time. Unshed tears started to pool in the corner of my eyes as San's jaw tightens.
"How could you do this to me?" I questioned. It was the same question I asked him four years ago.
He adjusted the dress back on his shoulder and held my hand on his. He put it against his lips and kissed it so tenderly, I barely felt it. "I am so sorry," he sighed. "You will understand one day."
My brows shot up in confusion. This was the first time I was hearing this. "What do you mean?"
"Why don't we sleep for now? We'll talk tomorrow?"
I frowned, angry, and I wanted to be angry, but I was too tired to be angry at him because there was no point in feeling so. I knew he was changing the topic and even if he pretended to be fine, it was the fine details - the ticking of his eyes, the quivering of his lips, the slight breathing pattern change, the dilation of his pupils. He was extremely angry.
I gulped. "San--"
"Please," he pleaded, his voice barely audible from my ears. "Can we pretend for one night that nothing had ever changed between us?"
He wiped one lone tear that escaped from my eye, and for the first time since it had happened, I cursed the Gods for switching us callously. I wanted to feel his arms against mine, his soft breaths hitting my skin as he shielded from every trouble that dared touch me.
But no. I was San for now, and he was me.
The air was tangible, one wrong word and the little bubble we had wrapped ourselves will pop. I laid on the bed with San giving my head little pecks here and there.
"You know," I began. "I never got to thank you for getting me an A++ on my finals."
He chuckled from above me. "They told you before I came back, didn't they?"
I hummed in response, but not saying anything back. Once again it was silent, the only thing we could hear was our breathing. Dare I say it was the most comfortable thing I've ever heard.
"Y/N?" San suddenly asked. When I didn't respond he continued. "What if one day, you find out that everything you knew was a lie?"
I tensed against his hold. I wasn't expecting a question that deep right now. "Is this about why you left me?"
"Answer the question."
"I don't know, Sannie. It depends on the lie," I responded. "I don't even know you anymore."
It was his turn to tense. It was a mirror of his anxiety. He cleared his throat rather loudly. "There's a lot about you that you don't know, Y/N."
"Like what?"
He taps my nose with his finger before they go up and fluff the blonde piece of hair he had. "For one," he smirked. "I don't dye this. I have poliosis. Haneul has one too, she just dyes hers dark."
I was at a loss for words, dumbfounded at the revelation. "What?" I almost screeched. "You never told me this!"
He tucked me inside the blanket, almost lovingly, just like I used to when we were younger. "The world is cruel to people like me who are different, I didn't want you to think I was a freak," he shrugged and I felt my heart breaking into pieces. "I'm so sick of seeing my failures in your eyes."
My chest exploded with a million emotions and it hit me - I still loved him. I was in love with him then, and I am still in love with him now.
"San," I spoke with uncertainty, looking deep into his eyes.
There was so much I wanted to say. Falling in love with him was easy, it was admitting to myself how hard I fell. When he asked what if my life was a lie, he didn't know that I was the one lying to myself. I suppose he never noticed, and I could ask him, but what's the point?
For now, we were here, and I was glad.
"Where are we going?" I asked nervously when San lead to an unfamiliar route from the road we were supposed to take. His hold on my hand loosened and I felt him shaking.
"Just a little bit, we're almost there," he cryptically said.
"I'm so excited," I giggled. "Are you excited?"
"Y-Yeah, I am," he replied. I frowned, maybe he was just as nervous as I was.
We finally ran away, San had finally taken me away from my monster of a stepfather who did nothing but destroy me as a person, but guess what? He will never succeed.
That is, until I saw his red car parked in the far distance, the moonlight shining on it as if it was mocking me.
"San?" I croaked, halting my steps. I knew I wasn't seeing things, that was him. "San!"
I felt him pull into my hand and when I wasn't moving, he forcefully pulled me until we reached that dreaded car. I was a crying mess, especially at the thought of my only friend betraying me.
"San, please, don't do this to me," I begged over and over again, reaching to him pitifully when my stepfather grabbed my hair roughly and pushed me into his car. "San, please!"
He stood there, watching as we drove away. I pounded on the back windows, hoping he would snap out of whatever it was that urged him to do this, but nothing. He just stood there, until he was no more.
"Sit properly, you whore!" I heard my stepfather scream.
"Let me go, you demon, just let me go!" I screamed.
"Shut the fuck up, yeah?" he snarled, taking the cigarette from his dirty mouth and extinguishing it on my exposed shoulder.
Now that I think of it, he was acting extremely odd that day. Even if it had been that long already, I knew he wasn't himself. That was four years ago, surprisingly, the abuse did stop. The broken bones and repetitive bruises had healed over time. That rat knows he can't beat me into submission anymore since I was in college now.
Suddenly, his phone rings and when he glances at the caller ID, he curses loudly. "Fuck," he gulped. "It's Hongjoong."
My heart dropped to my stomach. I've been a squatter in the frat house and I've never interacted with the one and only Kim Hongjoong. "I thought he was overseas?"
"Not anymore, I guess. I'll handle it," he murmured. "Hello?"
“Ah, Y/N. Fancy talking to you.”
We froze, cringing hard. San just mindlessly answered the phone, forgetting that he was in my body with my voice. Hongjoong continued before San replied.
"Dare I say that the owner of this phone is with you since you have it?"
"Yes," San coughed. He quickly covered the phone and turned to me. "See what I mean? He's sharp-tongued," he hissed. "Are you back?"
"Interesting. Listen, I got nothing against you, sweetheart, you'll get your turn soon. Pass the phone to San."
Oh, he was pissed. San blabbers, "But--"
"Now."
San reluctantly passes the phone to me. "H-Hello?" I stammered.
"Choi San, do you take me as stupid?"
My eyes widened, dread filling my body. "N-No, not at all."
"Yeah? You think I didn't know you were sneaking around at night and morning? Come home. We need to talk."
"B-But--"
"I know your schedule. You didn't even say goodbye before Thanksgiving. I'm warning you, San. I'm at the airport and you better be back before I do, or else. Drive safe."
Unfortunately, we had to cut that trip short by a day. It was hard to tell his parents, but the assurance of me and San being "together" seemed to make them happy.
"You have to fix this before it gets too far," I frowned at San while we walked back to the frat house. "I don't want to break your mom's heart."
"I will figure it out," he rolled his eyes.
I snapped. "Which means you'll let it slide and hope they'll forget! You owe me, Choi San, you screwed me over with Lee Jeno too!"
"Oh, for crying out loud, Y/N!" San glared harshly at me. "He just wants to get into your pants!"
There was still one day left of vacation so there was nobody around the campus to hear both of us scream at each other's ear. It wasn't until San stopped talking and walking all together when I realized that something was wrong.
And something was very wrong indeed.
"San," I gasped in total shock.
There, in front of the frat house was the red car that I rode every time I had to go to the nearest clinic from all the abuse and trauma I had to endure during my early years. We can both hear my stepfather arguing loudly with none other than Seonghwa, and he was both looking for me and San.
"For the last time, I don't know where they are!" Seonghwa screamed, the anger and authority rolling off of him even from a distance. "And even if I did, I would never tell you."
My stepfather smirks dirtily. "Watch your mouth, boy, I could knock you out right now," he spat.
"I'd like to see you try--stay in the damn house, Yeosang. Tell Hongjoong to hurry up," Seonghwa rolled his eyes, crossing his arms haughtily at my stepfather.
"Get him the fuck out of here then," Yeosang growled. I was stunned, I have never heard him so angry before.
My stepfather seethes in anger at Seonghwa and Yeosang's insubordination. If there was one thing he hated, it was when someone else had the upper hand.
San protectively puts his body in front of me to protect me, not that it mattered, he was in my body; my weak body.
I held onto San for balance. We weren't supposed to be back today and Seonghwa knew it. "Stay with me, okay?" San whispered. "We're going back in the car, watch your step."
But it was too late. I accidentally stepped on a drying leaf, and its crunching sound as my foot hit it reverberated all over the empty campus grounds. I was shaking at this point, the fight between me and San long forgotten when Seonghwa and Yeosang stared at us in shock from the distance.
"San, I'm scared," I whimpered pathetically.
"I'm going to handle this, okay?" San assured me, but even I could hear the tremble in his voice.
"Well, well, well, if it isn't my lovely daughter?" my wretched stepfather cackled evilly as he started to walk towards us.
Here was the monster that ruined my life, standing in the very place I was expecting him to pop out the least, in the flesh. There was something so profoundly evil about him, he was so rotten to the core that I was surprised he hadn't started decaying from the inside.
"I am no daughter of yours," San seethed, still shielding me from behind. I shook his shoulders hurriedly in panic. I whispered, terrified, that he hated it when I backtalked.
Even after all these years, years I spent on campus because I refused to go home even on vacations, I was still utterly terrified of this man. When Seonghwa tried to approach us, I shook my head vigorously.
"No?" my stepfather smirked. "Being in this dump has taught you to be disobedient, yes?"
I screamed when he aggressively slapped San square in the face, something I knew hurt since I've been the target of that for years. My heart stopped when I completely forgot that San was in my body, and that body was weak.
"Wake up, please, wake up, don't leave me again," I sobbed as my stepfather laughed at my pathetic attempts to wake up San, who was clearly disoriented from the powerful backhanded slap.
"Choi San, was it?"
I flinched when I realized that he was referring to me. "My, you have grown into a fine young man," he cackled like a maniac once more.
He went down to my level to whisper. "You good for nothing bitch," he whispered sadistically. "I thought I told you I'd kill her if I see you with her again?"
What if one day, you find out that everything you knew was a lie?
"You were always like a little tick that sucked the innocence out of my baby girl," he mockingly declared. "Well, not anymore."
He was about to try and carry my body out - San - but I stopped him, courage suddenly filling my lungs. "What the hell do you want from us?" I growled aggressively. "Haven't you taken enough for me?"
He raised a brow at the declaration, and I knew I slipped, but I didn't care. "You gave her to me willingly," he scoffed, red in the face. "Pathetic, one word from me saying I'd be 'better' and you believe it?"
What if one day, you find out that everything you knew was a lie?
"What?" I felt my heart breaking to tiny little pieces once more.
My bastard stepfather laughed mockingly in my face. "This college rubbish has ruined her. I will marry this slut to a business partner of mine to expand," he spat. All the blood rushed to my head when I heard this. "Out of my way, brat!"
In one swoop, my body was in his arms and leapt up to try and grab San out of his grip. Once more, I thank God that San worked out and was strong enough. "You sick, sick, son of a bitch," I seethed, an anger I never let out before.
He faltered for a moment before kicking me on my leg, but he was never going to win. He laughed and temporarily dropped an unconscious San, who was again, in my body still, on the dirty ground.
"I should have killed you a long time ago," he sadistically remarked.
We fought right there and then and for a moment, I had the upper hand. My wounded childhood was the one spurring me on as my fists pounded on him repeatedly as I straddled him. Each punch on his clownish face as he lay on the floor felt like a win.
Until it wasn't. In a twist of events, he had managed to flip me over when I got too emotional and straddled me instead, his sick grin widening as he tried to blow a punch. A burst of adrenaline went through me and I held his fists to stop him from punching, struggling since at the end of the day, this still wasn't my body.
"I'm going to have fun ruining your face, pretty boy," he grinned maniacally, blowing punch after punch and so far, I've been avoiding them.
But that can only last so long. I was slowly getting tired and tired and he did manage to hit me once. Stars flooded my vision and I gave up. He was about to punch me again, his fist up in the air and going down and I just waited for the impact to happen.
It never came.
I could have cried when Hongjoong came just in time and pulled my stepfather, who was extremely shocked, away from me. It happened so fast, my stepfather was now fighting Hongjoong and I took that opportunity to crawl towards my body while whispering San's name.
"Easy there, buddy..."
I felt myself being lifted up and I got nervous at first, until I saw Mingi's face above me as he was trying to lift me up from the floor. He put my arm across his shoulders and we huddled close to San's body.
"Now!" I heard Hongjoong shout and I looked up just in time to see Yunho deliver a punch, himself, and it managed to knock my stepfather out cold on the ground.
"Holy shit," I heard Yunho mutter to himself. Who knew that the gentle giant had it in him?
"Wooyoung, go get her," Hongjoong pointed at San, his voice tight and tense. It was an authority I have never, ever felt on anyone before and it honestly made me a bit more terrified of him than all of the Ateez members combined.
"The rest," he panted tiredly and began to walk inside the house. "The rest, get that motherfucker inside and tie him up on the chair, I don't fucking care which."
It was about time anyway, it started to rain all of a sudden and we all made a big run for it inside before we got soaked.
Once Wooyoung carried my body and laid it down on the couch next to where Mingi had placed me, Hongjoong lay it all out, screaming at the top of his lungs with an anger that could have made the Earth tremble and shake.
"I'm gone for a couple of months and this is what I come home to?" Hongjoong shouted, the sound of it so loud it rendered us speechless. My God, he was terrifying. "Nothing to say?"
"I mean, nothing big," Jongho muttered, "It's just that--"
"I'm hearing excuses, Jongho," Hongjoong sarcastically laughed as he banged his hands on the table. "I don't want to hear it. You're the temporary leader, Jongho, what happened?"
I was surprised. All this time, I thought it was Seonghwa. Jongho sighed deeply. "Well, we can start from the beginning," he shrugged, turning to look at me. "Y/N? Who the hell is that?"
"Yes?" I replied almost instantaneously in a panicked state. "Oh, my stepfather--I mean, I don't know!"
I was met with the most surprised stares and the heaviest of gasps. I covered my mouth quickly with widened eyes when I realized what I just did. Jongho crosses his arms and smirks.
"I told you so," he gloated.
We hear a series of groans and I quickly help San get up and sit up properly on the coach and he was as surprised as I was when he noticed everyone staring.
But most of all, I was terrified of Hongjoong. "Well, I'll be damned," he clicked his tongue. I frowned at his lack of surprise.
San sighs heavily. "You guys know, don't you?"
"Wait, hold on a minute," Wooyoung interrupted, waving his hand around. "So all this time when I've been showing you cat videos, it was you?"
I nodded sheepishly, suddenly uncomfortable with all the stares. I can literally hear everybody's gears turning as they internalized all the events that happened during the last few months.
"This is ridiculous," Seonghwa remarks, narrowing his sharp eyes. "How do we know that this isn't some prank?"
Then it starts. Mingi's cheeks reddened when he realized that he has been shirtless a lot of times with me. Yunho laughed when he remarked that he had been wondering why San had been suddenly interested in gaming with him.
"Wait, wait," Yeosang interrupted the ruckus with a loud laugh. "So, San was the one with the period that time?"
"Shut up," San seethed when everyone burst out laughing like maniacs. He points to me accusingly. "You should have seen her when she had the morning wood."
My cheeks were up in flames when I remember when I felt that painful sensation down there one morning; it was painfully hard, sticky, wet. Everybody laughed for a minute straight when me and San started selling each other out, and we looked at each other out.
As usual, one person wasn't saying anything. "How did you know?" I asked a smirking Jongho.
He hesitates, contemplating if he should tell me. "Because it happened to me, as well," Jongho shrugged. "Though not as long as you guys."
All hell broke loose at that statement and the million question was - who did Jongho switch temporarily with?
He glances at someone in particular, and follows his line of sight. "No way, there is no fucking way," Seonghwa cursed. "You?"
"It was last year," Hongjoong shrugged, sitting on the couch lazily. "Lasted for only three days though, I'm not sure why you guys haven't returned yet."
"I don't believe it," Seonghwa narrows his eyes at me and San, and then Jongho and Hongjoong. "Proof or I’m kicking everyone out."
I shrunk. Of course, I wouldn’t expect anything less from the sociology major.
Jongho has this devilish grin on his face. "Remember last year when we all went to that all paid expense getaway?" he laughed. "Surely, you don't think he..." he jutted his thumb at a seething Hongjoong. "...would plan that in the middle of nowhere?"
Another type of hell broke loose at that, but I was at a loss for words. I had nothing to prove myself for. San and I haven't spent the last few years together. "I...I don't know," I admitted. "I can't prove it."
"I can."
Everyone looked at San expectantly. He had this forlorn face, and I got nervous. Something tells me that I wasn't going to like what I was going to hear. "It's about that asshole over there."
He pointed at my stepfather, who was still knocked out. He was tied tightly on a rickety chair. I saw everyone's face tense when San said it. I stared at him, all the hurt that I had buried within me coming out in waves and I had hoped that San was just making it up. The look on his face confirmed that he was not.
"S-San?" I whispered, the betrayal hitting me for the second time. I looked at each and everyone of them. "You all know something."
I stood up from the couch angrily, everyone's eyes on me as angry tears started falling from my eyes. "You left me that day, gave me up like I was some trash you didn't want!" I shouted at San. "You made me believe that you were finally saving me..."
"Y/N, please calm down, I can explain," San begged, hugging my waists hurriedly. Well, thanks to his own strength, I managed to break away. "Y/N, please..."
Both Wooyoung and Yunho stood up to comfort me by holding my hand and rubbing my back soothingly. I couldn't push them away, they were always nice to me. The others just stared at me with pity in their eyes.
I felt the world slowly crashing down on me. I must look stupid, but nobody had ever asked why it had protected me all these years. "And you!" I angrily pointed at Hongjoong and Jongho. "You knew about me and San's predicament!"
Jongho sighed, his eyes softening. "I'm sorry, I really am," he apologized. "Hongjoong and I have been working on it."
Hongjoong rubbed his temples. "Everyone, to your rooms. Now. Jongho, stay."
Everyone that passed me offered me consoling words, and that they were sorry. It was just me, San, Hongjoong, and Jongho left.
"I offer my apologies to you sincerely," Hongjoong began, facing my body as he spoke. "Although I can't say I'm too pleased with you, I understand your predicament."
"What the hell does that mean?" I scoffed.
Hongjoong raised his brow in amusement. "It's not really a secret that you hate Ateez, my dear, and in turn..." he gestured to San. "Him. Can I tell you a small secret?"
"Go ahead," I frowned.
"We are a peaceful group," he began. "The parties were a front for all the charity we do here."
I was surprised. He gestured at the big mirror at the wall and I stared at it. I gasped when he told me to look harder. It was a two way mirror. "A secret room?" I asked.
Hongjoong nodded. "I didn't want anyone randomly coming in and out of here, it was the best we could do. The feminine products were usually what the party people left behind."
It all made sense in my head - how people just worshiped them wherever we went, some of them with admiration, how San always defended them and how he absolutely hated it when I talked shit about them.
"As for your switch," Hongjoong cleared his throat. "We don't know why or how it happens, and honestly? We never dug deep into it, so unfortunately in that area, I'm afraid we can't help you."
My heart sank at his words. "So, we're going to stay like this forever? How did you guys turn back?"
"Hongjoong and I were arguing last year," Jongho started. "I'll spare you the details, let's just say it almost tore this group apart."
I saw San's brows lift up in surprise. Jongho continued. "I don't remember who, but one of us lowered our pride, and then the next day? Poof." Jongho gestured with his arms. "We were back."
"That's it?" San was spiteful and so was I. "We've pretty much solved our issues and we're still like this. You two never thought to look into it further?"
Hongjoong and Jongho looked at each other. "No," Jongho said. "Something out there that has this immense power and isn't meant to be questioned. You think whatever was out there playing with us will suddenly yield and listen?"
"Are there more of us out there?" San asked dreadfully.
"Yes," Hongjoong confirmed. "It's a secret we'll keep, however. Just like we'll keep yours. I'll talk to the boys. And as for this son of a bitch?"
He glared at my stepfather. "Leave it to me."
This was too personal. I got up and left the house in entirety despite everyone's protests from behind me. I swung the door open forcefully and ran out to the soaking rain aimlessly. It reminded me of that night when San and I switched as I looked up to the sky. There was also thunder looming up.
Where do I even begin? I cried as I walked aimlessly trying to find a way out of the campus. I only realized that the rain was cold because of all the adrenaline rushing out of me quickly and I stride forward, screaming and howling.
"Y/N, wait!"
I turned around and it was San, drenched just like me with the most gut-wrenching expression on his face. Tears free falled from his eyes, like the rain. "Let me explain, I'm begging you, please," he pleaded with all his might.
I slapped him, the sound of it louder than the thundering rain. His lips quiver and I almost gave in right there. "How can I ever trust you?!" I screamed at him.
He kneeled on the gravel, something I know would have bruised my knees, and looked up to me with the most forlorn expression. "Please, don't shut me out," he wailed. "My heart won't be able to take it."
It was just us, rain soaked in the melodramatic scene unfolding right in front of us. "You gave me to him, San!" I sobbed pathetically and tried my best to shove him off of me. "He ruined my life!"
I ripped him off of me and tried to run away, but I stopped when he hugged me from behind and buried his face on my back. His wails broke my heart to a million pieces. He began muttering something that I couldn't understand.
"Speak up before I get angrier!" I shouted. My tongue was a sword I'd sharpened because I was so sick of getting. "There was a time I'd lay down my arms for you, San--"
"He said he would never hurt you anymore if I gave you back to him!" he screamed.
Everything stopped at that moment - there was no wind, no tears, raindrops that fell stopped in time - it was just me and San. "Please, Y/N, please just listen to me--"
"I can't think of anything worse," I scoffed. "You think I believe you?"
"I swear!" San sobbed. "He said he'll kill you and find you if you don't return, Y/N..."
He turns me around and grabs my face in his hands, staring deep into my eyes as more tears fall from my eyes. Everything hit me all at once, the beatings did stop but I thought it was because I went to college and he couldn't touch me.
"I should have been stronger for you that time," San wailed, leaning his forehead against mine. "There was never a day I didn't regret it."
We sobbed in each others arms as we got rained on, shivering like leaves, but we didn't care.
"Why didn't you tell me?" my voice cracked. "Why didn't you tell me?!"
"I don't know, Y/N, I don't know!" he wept, desperately clinging onto me as I tried to get away from him. "I thought I was doing what was best for you..."
The moment I realized that I had misinterpreted his actions, his words, all of him for those years, that moment was when my heart broke even more.
"Do you hate me that much, San?" I bellowed. It was the good kind of breaking; the type that led to healing and new ways onward.
"I don't, but I don't like you like that," he whispered. Sometimes, the loss of words would have said more.
His quivering lips landed on my forehead. "Because I love you," he confessed.
MY heart soared, but I wasn't going to let him in. "You left me, San. You were all I had then you were gone!"
"You loved me?"
"That's all you heard?" I scoffed.
"What about now?" San asked hopefully. "Do you still love me?"
I laid all the truth out. "I don't know," I admitted. It was still raining at this point. "When you left, I had decided back then that our futures were different, even though we grew apart, and you know what I hate?"
I laughed sarcastically, tears falling from my eyes again, and I probably looked crazy. "I still held you above others. I still loved you even though I had nothing, no safety, no rights, no place to go, and no one to call to get me out of the hell I was placed onto."
San grabbed my chin and tilted it upwards. "No," he whispered. "You never stopped loving me, please don't say you loved me."
We have always been like this, I realized - a ticking time bomb. It was worse now, especially now that we were older and the way San was looking at me, I knew that we were destined to explode.
"I can't let you go," he said, holding me closer. "I'm never going to let you go. I will always hate myself for letting our love die."
He held gaze, and it could have burned me with how intense it was. He was bitter, those eyes held loneliness. "I know forgiveness is not your strong suit," he whispered.
"San," I cried.
"There was a point where I wouldn't know what to say if I had you," he chuckled remorsefully. "Forgive me."
I guess these were our final days separated and I can say without a doubt, nothing ended the way I thought it would. Both of us leaned together and our lips finally met and it felt right, as if our souls had been intertwined a long time ago.
And then we felt it - that hot, familiar, searing pain that passed through us, only this time, we didn't pass out.
When I opened my eyes, I was looking through San's uncertain ones this time. The real San. I looked down at my body and lifted the small hands I knew I had instead of San's big and rugged ones.
"Oh my God!" I screamed ecstatically, jumping up and down happily. "We're back, San, we're back!"
"Thunder and forgiveness," San laughed sweetly. "Who would have thought?"
"I'm freezing though," I giggled, finally letting go of all the pain and suffering. "My dorm?"
San smirks mischievously, and I screamed joyfully when he lifted me up in his arms and started running hurriedly out of the rain. We missed being in our bodies so much that we reached my dorm in record time with San kicking the door down so harshly that it might have been broken, but we didn't care.
We kissed each other as we hurriedly took our clothes off, not breaking our lips. This is what I wanted, I craved for him - his scent, his warmth, and just him as a person.
I giggled when San bit my lips, each gentle bite giving pleasurable zings of electricity straight down there. I clenched my legs together as San pinned me by the wall, holding my arms up as he grabbed my hands and pinned them as well.
We broke the kiss to take a big gulp of air and the longest, deepest stare followed. "I love you," San whispered, this time giving me the slowest, sweetest kisses against my lips. "I love you so much."
Tears flowed from my eyes and through my tears I whispered back. "I love you too. Now fuck me before I go insane."
His eyes widen and he throws his head back and laughs out loud, his cute dimples showing on his cheeks. "Hold on," he laughed. "I've had your body for months yet this is the first time I've seen it. Let me admire it, please?"
I blushed, embarrassed by the way he says it. He laughs at my predicament. "San, come on..."
"As my princess commands," he smirked, leaning down on my ear. "I'm going to make you scream."
"San," I moaned softly when his hands slid down and gently squeezed my naked ass.
"Oh, I know you already feel good," he groaned. "Are you sure you want this?"
I nodded and he sighed. "Tell me now," he said softly. "I'm not going to be able to hold back."
I gave him a shy smile, and went on my tippy toes to give him a small peck on the lips as my hand reached between his legs and began pumping his already hard cock back and forth slowly, teasing him and relishing the small grunts he was making.
"You like that?" I asked him softly.
"Mhhm," he groaned deeply. The way his face contorted into pleasure was sending me. "Keep going..."
I continued playing with his length - which by the way, definitely wasn't a little worm. He was above average; not too big, but definitely not small either. It was perfect and I loved it regardless. I couldn't hold back a shudder as I felt him buck his hips sensually over and over again on my hand.
He was confused when I suddenly stopped, his eyes glossing over something dark when I kneeled down until my face was eye level with his cock.
"Baby," he croaked when I looked up at him. "You don't have to."
"But I want to," I smiled impishly at him. His self-control was tethering almost close to the edge when I leaned forward and pressed my lips onto the tip of his cock.
"Oh, fuck," his deep growl resounded as he reached out and ran his fingers through my hair as I bobbed up and down his shaft, my cheeks hollowing as I tried hard to let my tongue slide underneath. I groaned against him when I felt him twitching inside my mouth.
The only thing sounding in the room right now was soft, sensual noises along with my gagging and San's grunts as I went faster, and faster. That is, until San pulled out all of a sudden. He groaned when he saw a trail of precum dripping from my mouth onto the floor.
"As much as I loved you sucking my soul through my cock," San laughed, pulling me up and pulling me close to him. I moaned softly when his eyes turned dark and predatory. "Can I fuck you?"
He didn't even let me finish, he began kissing me once more, this time, it was driven by lust instead of sweet surrender. His hands weren't idle either, he slid them up my tits and I moaned against his mouth as he squeezed them. He was gentle, yet persistent.
The kiss lingered for a moment when we both backed up until I landed over my soft bed with San going on top of me. Suddenly, anxiety hit me when his eyes started roaming around my body.
"Don't do that," I whispered, covering my body with the blanket. "I'm broken and bruised, not exactly sexy, isn't it?"
He smirked softly when I nervously laughed. It was true; all the permanent scars that never left my body and marked me in ways that will forever haunt me. I didn't want him to be turned off.
"What did I tell you?" he asked softly, his hand reaching out and lovingly tucking a strand of my hair behind my ears.
My heart thudded against my ribcage as I curiously looked at him. He placed a sweet, chaste kiss on my forehead before he spoke out. "I told you I loved you, didn't I?" San smiled fondly. "That means I love all of you."
"Since when?"
He pretended to think about it, thoughtfully putting a hand to his chin. I laughed and jokingly clicked my tongue at him. I guess this was what love was; the way he was able to ebb away all my discomfort and assure me, make me believe, that I was fine. I loved him so much, it hurt.
"I don't know," he admitted. "One day, I just got mad whenever I imagined you slipping away from me." He kissed me again. "Angry whenever I'd think of someone claiming these." He kissed me once more. "Bitter whenever I'd think of someone else having you instead of me."
"Is that why you talked to Jeno like that earlier?" I rolled my eyes playfully and swatted him across the chest.
He rolled his eyes and nipped my lips almost painfully. "I would appreciate it if you didn't bring another man's name while I'm about to fuck you."
"So do it," I blurted out. "Fuck me."
He narrowed his eyes on me, long gone was his self-control. "You asked for this," San growled.
He gripped his stiff cock in between my already spread legs. I raised my ass to meet my wet hole against it, desperately moaning his name out. "Hurry up," I whined helplessly.
San looked me in the eyes as I felt him stroking and positioning himself along my throbbing cunt. He slid agonizingly slow inside of me, inch by inch, never breaking eye contact with me, until he completely bottomed out. We both moaned out at the delicious feeling of each other.
He would tease me with soft thrusts as I dug my nails on his back. "I knew you'd feel good," he exhaled sharply. "Fuck."
I unconsciously squeezed him and all his self control left him. He began thrusting slowly at first, and then picking up the pace when we both found our rhythm, little moans of pleasure escape us as we fucked each other.
"San, please!" I screamed, feeling every inch of him against my walls. My desperate moans made him rock against me faster, and harder.
"Louder, baby," he growled as he pistoned in and out of me. He leaned forward down my neck, biting and sucking on the soft flesh, its sound combined with the obscene slapping of skin against each other nearly undid me.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck," San's low moans reached my ears and his tongue tickled it as well, even nibling on it and sending an unexpected burst of pleasure through me.
I bucked my hips up to meet his fastening thrusts. "Sannie, oh, just like that--"
I screamed when he slammed roughly down on me. "Say that again," he growled against my neck, the demand of it sending pleasurable tears in my eyes.
"W-What?" I managed to ask in between his invasion.
"Call me that again," he grabbed my hips and pulled me tight against him. "I'm begging you, baby, I need it."
"Sannie!" It came effortlessly anyway as I shook beneath his strong body and wrapped my legs around his waist.
"Again," he grunted, pounding into me as our passions rose higher and higher.
"Ah, Sannie, please," I cried out, thrusting my hips hard to meet his as I felt a familiar tingling sensation down my core and soft bursts of whimpers came out of me as he ground against me.
"Again, Y/N, again, fuck..."
"Sannie!"
This wasn't fucking - as cheesy as it may sound, we both knew that it was the both of us giving each other the love we couldn't for all these years. It was such an intimate experience and connection, even though we were going roughly at the same time.
"Again!"
I'm not usually one for domination and submission, but with him, I'll do anything. I know he won't hurt me.
San leans up a bit and he groans as he watches his cock go in and out of me. "God, you're so wet, babygirl," he smirked at my fucked out face. "I didn't even need to finger you..."
"Can you just keep fucking?" I snapped.
He laughed like the little demon he was, it turned me on so much, and he thrusted harder. "You really can't help acting like an ass even though I'm inside you, huh?"
I grinned. "It's not going to change."
San began going in and out faster and faster, his thrusts building in speed and power. I gaped, screams of pleasure filled the room, as San's throaty rumble of pleasure gave way as his thrusts became sloppier. I knew he was close.
"I'm going to cum inside you, oh fuck, can I cum inside you?" San's moans were getting more and more high-pitched.
"Please!" I begged, digging my nails on his back.
He hammered himself into me, each thrust a jolt of burning heat as my own orgasm started to approach, and when San felt it, he began doing so more relentlessly. "S-San--"
It was a toe-curling orgasm, one I haven't felt before. San growled in my ear, saying my own over and over like a prayer, as I felt him shake, then wail, and then gasp. I moaned when I felt ropes of warm cum spurt into me over and over, again and again.
His thrusts subsided and he pulled me into a tired and tender kiss, our lips lazily against each other, and then we laughed hard at what just happened. Something tells me we were going to be alright.
𝙱𝙾𝙽𝚄𝚂 𝚂𝙲𝙴𝙽𝙴:
It turns out we didn't need to correct San's parents, after all. Imagine how pleased Mrs. Choi was when we told her we were making it official.
"Ready to go, babe?" San lovingly asked as he fixed the collar of his dress shirt. When he struggled to put on his tie, he sheepishly smiled at me.
"Need help, tough guy?" I smirked, standing up from the couch and making my way to San. "Kiss me first."
He didn't waste any time and gave me a kiss that rivaled every poet's work and it spoke volumes about the passion we shared.
We broke off and laughed at all the complaints and protests we received from the entire group. Ah, I suppose I'm part of their little group now and we were currently in the frat house.
"Ugh, Lord Almighty, you two are disgusting," Seonghwa rolled his eyes, clearly disturbed. "Decency is not a concept known to both of you, is it?"
He walked over to me and San and pulled him away from me. "I'll fix it," he referred to the tie. "Before you two start dry humping."
"Rude," I glared jokingly.
"Kind of miss when you two hated each other," Mingi grimaced, plopping next to a snickering Yunho, who said. "Right, there would be none of..." He pointed at me and San accusingly. "...that."
"Jealous of the lack of love in your lives?" San questioned. Mingi and Yunho looked at each other and blushed. "Or not."
Suddenly, a glass of delicious looking smoothie was shoved in my face. It was Wooyoung, who was giving me a pointed look. "What's this?" I frowned, inspecting it.
"Breakfast shake," he shrugged. He patted my back. "No time to eat before you guys go. Good luck, hmm?"
"Thank you," I grinned. "You were an unexpected friend."
"Unless the smoothie gives you diarrhea," Yeosang chimed in. I laughed when Wooyoung turned red and he was about to shout when we all heard Hongjoong yell from outside the house.
"Oi, loverboy! Get in the car before me and Jongho drive off and you'll be walking!"
"Alright," Yeosang pulls me into a small hug. "Goodluck, okay?"
"Give us good news, okay?" Seonghwa smiled tightly while he ushered us out to Hongjoong's car.
I giggled like a schoolgirl when San opened the door for me and I sat beside Jongho in the back, who rolled his eyes dramatically at us while making gagging sounds.
It was hilarious how me and San, hopeless romantics, got stuck with Hongjoong and Jongho, the non-hopeless romantics.
"Nervous?" Jongho asked me while Hongjoong and San walked through what to do when we got to our destination.
I unconsciously touched the marred, disfigured cigarette burn on my shoulder, and it didn't escape Jongho's attention. "Don't," he pursed his lips tightly. "Don't let him win."
San and I decided one day that everyone needed to know everything from the beginning - how San and I were childhood friends, my abusive stepfather after my mother died, San being threatened by him, all of it. The night that I cried in San's arms was also the night that I gained seven more friends.
"I know, I won't let you guys down," I assured. "Thank you for doing this, both of you, you didn't have to."
Hongjoong looked at me through the rear mirror with concern. "You didn't see what we all saw that day," he tensely said. "I was driving home excited to see everyone, and what did I see?"
He paused to collect his thoughts. "A big man beating San to death and an unconscious girl on the ground while the rest tried to scramble outside. Do you have any idea how I felt when Jongho told me your bodies were switched?"
"Being witnesses to the trial is what we want, believe me," Jongho said.
Tears started forming in my eyes. My stepfather ruined everything for me - my life and my childhood specifically. I lost a lot of time with San and I'm so mad that I lost out on these wonderful people. Better late than never, I suppose, at least we're here now.
Sooner or later, me and San were holding hands outside of the courthouse. I didn't want to do it, but Wooyoung and Yeosang were the ones that convinced me the most that I should press charges against my stepfather. San also decided to press charges for blackmail. Mingi called his brother to arrest him, and Yunho's father was kind enough to represent me as my lawyer.
"Like what you see?" San smirked when he noticed me ogling at him. He smiled at me mischievously. "Maybe we can...do some stuff when we get home."
I playfully slapped his arm. "Pervert," I rolled my eyes. "You do look good though, I love your hair like this."
"You do? The blonde isn't jarring?" San asked, obviously anxious about it the natural blonde piece of hair
"Nah," I fixed his hair a bit for him and he revels in it. He loves getting his hair touched, at least by me. "Maybe we could dye the blonde like a teal blue for a change if you want."
"Sounds good, babe," he agreed. We giggled a bit before we had to become serious again.
We both stared at the daunting courthouse in front of us. "It's anticlimactic, huh?" San kissed my hand lovingly. "The ending, at least."
"It's better this way, I guess," I shrugged.
When we switched bodies back, we pretty much never talked about it ever again, just like Hongjoong and Jongho never did.
"How so?" San wondered.
I smiled at him and pulled him close to me so I could give him a tight hug. "Those days we spent apart were hard for me," I whispered. "But we grew separately and now we're better together because of it."
San held my face tenderly in his hands and stared deeply into my eyes. "Having you back means the world to me," he spoke. "Just do me a favour this time, okay?"
I looked at him expectantly. "Stay," he smiled. "Please stay with me, promise me."
"So as long as you don't leave me again," I answered with a bittersweet smile on my face. "Let's do this."
I loop my arm on his and he seemed pleased. "Let's," he laughed, then leaning so we could share one more sweet kiss before we faced the world together.
In his kiss are years I know we'll spend together and the sweetness of the love we'll share as days go by. In his kiss, I am home.
► 𝙿𝚊𝚒𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚐 - mysterious!jongho x ex!heartbroken!reader ◄
► 𝙶𝚎𝚗𝚛𝚎/𝙰𝚄 - exes-to-strangers-??? trope, mafia au, plot with a side of smut (warnings below), heavy angst, Jongho's career choice is !unknown, regret, intense verbal fighting, reader is very !lonely, lots of crying, sexual tension so thick you can cut it with a knife, slice of life, slow burn, time lapses, path to healing, redemption, miscommunication, plot twist ◄
► 𝚁𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚗𝚐/𝚆𝚊𝚛𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐 - PG-18+ so MDNI!!!, Jongho is an absolute DOM! and he has a !filthy mouth, degrading names (be warned), degradation kink, reader has !masochistic tendencies, spanking, hair pulling, hard biting, overstimulation, blowjob, choking, acarophilia, dacryphilia, creampie, no protection (DO NOT DO THIS!!!!), night terrors, mental breakdown, depressive state, mentions of self-ending (NOT DESCRIBED), extreme violence, gunfight scene (not towards reader) ◄
► 𝚆𝚘𝚛𝚍 𝙲𝚘𝚞𝚗𝚝 - 27K+ words ◄
► 𝚂𝚢𝚗𝚘𝚙𝚜𝚒𝚜 - A storm hits not only your town, but also your heart when Jongho knocks on your door in a panic after not seeing him for more than five years. Everything would have been fine, except he wasn't the Jongho you once knew and loved. He was tense, and paranoid like he was running away from something, and instead of your heart, he now carried a gun. ◄
► 𝙽𝚘𝚝𝚎𝚜 - I'm back from my vacation!!! This one might be on the more emotional side and I kept pausing because I got so into it, that it was actually affecting me. I wasn't going to put smut in this one, but it was so necessary. You'll see why. Also changed my name from "dearinsaniiiity" to this one. Hope you enjoy! ◄
► 𝚃𝚊𝚐𝚕𝚒𝚜𝚝 - @ginger-mingi @0rangemilk @ruubyrubes @oddracha @jaytheatiny @roxannecos ◄
► 𝙽𝚎𝚝s - @cultofdionysusnet @wonderlandnet @othersideoutlawsnetwork @whipped-kpop-creators @illusionnet @pirateeznet ◄
𝐉𝐔𝐍𝐄 𝟑, 𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟏
"We interrupt your afternoon delight with a weather forecast of heavy rain and zero visibility in most areas..."
A strong gust of wind that passed and shook my windows slightly broke me out of the trance I almost went into. With a heavy sigh, I got up and double-checked if I had closed them tightly, twisting and turning the lock just to make extra sure.
It's been pouring rain the last couple of days and everyone, including me, thought it was going to pass, but clearly not.
I was disheartened to find out that there was a hurricane in my area when I turned my television on. I looked out my window again, the wind was picking up and it was raining so hard that I could barely make out what was outside.
"Shit, shit!" I panicked when I saw smoke rise up my ceiling and realized that I had overcooked my dinner for tonight.
I hurriedly took out my baked salmon, or what was left of it, from the oven. It was basically inedible.
I sat on the dining table with my head buried in my hands in frustration. This week has been terrible for me.
Because of the oncoming storm, my boss from the local bakery decided that he was going to close for a couple of months and leave town to avoid the storm while vacationing somewhere. I didn't mind, I wasn't going to stay in that job forever, so I applied to a corporation in the next city over, but I was rejected today.
Life hasn't been easy on me, but I'm working towards it.
Just when I was about to burst into pitiful tears, my doorbell suddenly rang. I was alarmed; I wasn't expecting anyone, and nobody in their right mind would be out in an active hurricane.
"Alright, I'm coming, please hang on," I scurried to the door when the doorbell rang over and over again hurriedly, as if the person on the other side was on the verge of collapsing.
But who could this be? I didn't really have anybody close enough with me who would visit without any prior notice. I wasn't really reclused, I just saw no point if they're going to leave anyway eventually.
With a deep breath, I opened the door slowly to peep out and see who was knocking, but that was pointless. I quickly grew frigid and loosened my hold on the door as it swung open on its own.
I recoiled at the surprise - there was someone I was not expecting to see right now. I blinked my eyes over and over and over, and over again. I even went as far as to rub my eyes repeatedly, pressing onto them almost dangerously, just to make sure I wasn't hallucinating.
"J-Jongho?" I squeaked, my voice cracking pathetically towards the end.
I curled my hands into fists. All the pain, raw and real, came rushing towards me as I stared into the eyes of the man who hurt me the most five years ago.
"Hello, Y/N."
His voice sounded so far away, and if it weren't for him actually standing in front of me and looking at me straight in the eye with an expression I couldn't pinpoint, I would have knocked my head against the wall so I could wake myself up from this nightmare.
"I-Is that you? Jongho?"
"That is my name, yes," Jongho spoke as his eyes stared into my own again. There were a million emotions to be said yet none in his eyes.
His voice sent delicious shivers down my spine, my legs started going numb from the pressure and the intensity. It had been years, and his eyes still had this unique, telling amber hue to them from afar, but up this close, his eyes had gold specks swirling in the middle near his irises.
"W-What are you d-doing here?" I sputtered out, my voice clearly holding distress.
"I know this is very sudden and I really don't mean to bother you," he cleared his throat. "I just...didn't know where to go, I passed by and I didn't know there was a storm."
My heart ached uncontrollably. If it wasn't for the storm, he wouldn't even show his face in front of me. "Do you need a place to pass the storm?" I asked rhetorically.
"Do you mind?"
"N-No, not at all. I'm just surprised you still knew your way here, that's all..."
A flashing look of hurt crossed his expression before it completely disappeared. He knows he can't blame me - after all, this was the first time we were seeing each other after five years of complete radio silence from one another.
I hesitated, biting my lips in contemplation. It's not that I didn't want him here, it's just that I was too hurt to see him.
A strong gust of wind howled from a distance and it was so strong, it had nearly uprooted a nearby tree. I turned back to Jongho in panic and urged him to come inside before he got uprooted.
I waved my hand towards him as a gesture that he could move. "Come along, Jongie---Jongho."
When Jongho started to walk inside and pass me, he paused and stiffened at my mistake. We stared at each other wide-eyed, either of us unwilling to move for fear of what's going to happen next. It was the nickname I loved calling him when we were still together.
But one of us had to. I laughed nervously and broke eye contact as I closed the door behind me. It was so awkward and for a couple of minutes, none of us did anything. The only sound that could be heard was the storm happening outside and Jongho's coat rustling as he took it off and set it somewhere.
My mind was blank except for the constant buzzing that reminded me that this was real, my heart palpitated in an abnormal manner, and at this point I was sure I was going to pass out.
"C-Coffee? Tea?" I blabbered nervously as I tried to busy myself so I wouldn't make eye contact with Jongho.
He chose to sit cross-legged on the couch. In my peripheral vision, I saw him close his eyes momentarily to savour the sensation - I get it, that specific spot was his favourite. It was to the point that we used to joke that when we had kids, he would pass on his 'throne'. Clearly, that didn't work out for us.
"Tea is good," Jongho murmured. "A dash of honey, no sugar or lemon."
I raised a brow, Jongho and tea never used to be in the same sentence. But then again, five years had passed. A lot of things can change in five years. But this was my ex-boyfriend, and I knew Jongho. He was never the type to deviate from what he liked.
I went to work and I could feel Jongho's sharp eyes following my every movement. It was making me extremely nervous. It was very evident in my actions, especially with the way my hands shook. I accidentally dropped the kettle with how clammy my hands have become and I yelped when it clanged loudly.
I stood frozen at my spot, staring at the fallen kettle. A sigh resounds from the far corner of the room and then the footsteps I missed.
"Are you alright?" Jongho picked up the kettle and set it down. "Sit down. I'll do it."
My head short-circuited from how close Jongho was to me. I could smell his cologne, something that used to comfort me. I had to stop the emotions threatening to bubble up from my chest because this felt so intimate.
"No, please, my hands were just a little clammy. Just relax," I explained, still avoiding eye contact.
My breath was cut short when a hand held my shoulder and a finger gently lifted my chin. I was forced to look into Jongho's eyes and I was surprised at how close he actually was to me.
It was the first time I was taking a good look at him. Jongho's hair was slicked back, something he barely did before because he loved his bangs. I resisted the urge to frown. It wasn't the only thing that changed, Jongho was much bigger than me now. He's always been taller than me, but now his shoulders were much broader and his chest was definitely harder.
"Do I make you nervous?" Jongho whispered. His eyes searched my face for answers. My breath laboured when they stared a little too long on my lips before his eyes met mine again.
"Yeah," I nodded, my voice quiet. "You do."
I was rigid as I returned the gesture. I had long forgotten how his plump lips felt like against mine, and I forgot Jongho's face overall.
I forgot about how insanely, utterly, ridiculously good-looking he was - it made me want to pull my hair out. I felt beads of sweat starting to form slowly at my forehead, I must have looked so dumb staring at him with slightly wide eyes.
He pulled away. "Sit down, Y/N. I won't burn down your kitchen."
"I know you won't," I frowned with a slight blush on my cheek. "If you could just let me---"
Jongho snapped his head at me and stared straight into my eyes with an expression that startled me. "Sit down," he repeated, his voice leaving no space for arguments.
I did as told, but I couldn't even concentrate as Jongho prepared the tea, not even when he opened the correct cabinets and worked my stove as if he never left five years ago.
There was something about his eyes and demeanor that was scaring me a bit. I could argue that it might just be my own anxiety and surprise at seeing him, but no, that wasn't it. I couldn't explain it, when he told me to sit down, I had to.
I had to. It was either I follow or else.
I stared at Jongho as he stood by and waited for the water to boil. He had always been a very nonchalant person as he was quite mature for our age group, but he was different. I wasn't sure if it was the way he moved or the way he talked, but he was very much different from the carefree and easygoing man I once loved.
"Careful, it's very hot," he murmured as he handed me the mug. We both chose to sit at the dining table and I tried my best to stay unaffected than I actually was.
When I took a sip, I whipped my head fast at Jongho who was busy sipping his own tea. There was a ghost of a smirk on his face when I sipped again, this time, savouring the tea and allowing myself to relax a little.
"You remembered," I swallowed. "A sugar cube and a dash of lemon in mine."
Jongho stared at me for a couple of seconds before completely ignoring me. It was awkward, but I wasn't going to push it. There was this dread I'm feeling that I couldn't pinpoint. Moments later, he had completely finished his drink.
"How are you, Y/N?" Jongho asked softly. His voice sounded so calm like the ongoing rain, and I've always loved the sound of the rain.
"I've been good, well, mostly anyway. I'm trying to apply at the capital, but no luck so far," I answered truthfully. "Are you okay, though? The way you knocked got me so worried."
Jongho's face softens significantly. I didn't even notice how tense his body was until he relaxed. "You were worried?" he snorted quietly. "You haven't changed at all."
It hit a nerve. I wish I did change, because if I did, then there wouldn't be a single part of me that was so hurt by his presence right now.
There was still a part of me that will always mourn how he suddenly just left one day and never came back, that is, until today.
"How can you just act like nothing happened?" I looked up at him with inquisitive eyes. "I guess that part of you never changed."
"That's what you think," Jongho murmured. His soft, calm voice always sent shivers down my spine.
Once again, he started staring at me again with those deep eyes of his. I couldn't help but be taken aback. His eyes looked different - darker. It made me think, what in the world has he been doing after he left town?
I broke eye contact, awkwardly shifting my body in a different angle. "And what of you?" I asked, trying to change the topic. "How are you, Jongho?"
My tone held weight in it, and Jongho knew. We both knew the hidden meaning behind the question - I wanted to know the real reason why he gave up on us when we had it good. His demeanor falters a bit and he sighed deeply before responding.
"Exhausted," he replied like the weight of the world was on his shoulders. "I am very tired."
Silence. I didn't know what to say. This entire time, the way his eyes were reaching out and speaking to me made me want to take all his worries away, but I can't. I wasn't prepared for the day I would have to face him again, fuck, I haven't even moved on.
"Are you going to tell me why?" I whispered, my voice giving out my real intentions.
I knew he wouldn't say anything, but still, I wasn't ready for the instantaneous rejection. "No," Jongho denied, his tone firm and absolute.
I always had this gut feeling that Jongho was doing something behind my back. No, I knew it wasn't an affair. I never did ask why, until today.
"What are you really doing here, Choi Jongho?" I squinted my eyes at him.
He raised a brow in amusement. "I already told you---"
"You're lying!" I gritted my teeth, slighted, then banged my fist on the table. The sound didn't even startle Jongho. "Don't you at least owe me an explanation if you're staying in my house?"
"You would be correct," he agreed, his eyes shifting into something darker; sinister. I shifted uncomfortably on my seat as he slowly leaned forward until our faces were only inches apart. "But there are some things better left unsaid, Y/N."
Better left unsaid, my ass!
The urge to fight for him as we stared at each other unblinking was overtaking all my sense of rationality. As always, I had to back down, else we'd be like this all night up until the next night. Jongho would rather die than give in, even in the little things like this. It was petty and it was endearing before, but now, it just angered me.
I nodded robotically, effectively ending that conversation. "Right," I stood up from the chair as I looked out the window before turning to him. "It's getting late. Would you like to clean up before heading to sleep?"
The urge to pretend we were strangers was immense ,but I couldn't turn my back on him. It was a trait of mine I've always wanted to change - I'm a little too forgiving and caring. I always get hurt in the end.
Jongho had always been a man of few words, and tonight wasn't any different. He stared at me calculatingly, gauging my facial expressions, but I had already gauged his - he did not want to stay. My eyes must've looked more pleading than I wanted to because he looked away with a soft sigh.
"Oh," Jongho hummed awkwardly. "I'll have to go in my car to see if I have some spare clothes."
I shook my head immediately. "No need. Hang on a minute."
I descended towards my room with a blush with what I was about to do. I went into my room and grabbed the clothes I'd always kept at bay, I didn't even sweat looking for them; they've always been hidden away in the most immediate place of my closet.
I paused on the doorway, willing my shaking hands to stop, but to no avail. I had to mentally tell myself that it was okay, it was just Jongho, he needed help and you were just helping him. It was nothing more than that, nobody deserves to be in the middle of a raging hurricane with nowhere to go.
But why is the hurricane raging in my heart instead?
I could feel Jongho's eyes burning onto my hands - at the clothes I was carrying. When I handed them to him, it was the first time real emotions crossed his features.
"For all this time?" Jongho asked, his eyes holding turmoil and his voice strained with pain as he held his clothes that I've kept. I didn't have the heart to throw them away, I didn't want to.
My words kept getting stuck in my throat. I nodded my head and ignored his burning gaze. His body stiffened in realization before he moved in urgency towards a certain room in my small and modest house. I could only stare at him as he opened the door.
"You could sleep there," I offered, though he probably knew that already. "It's clean, I promise..."
My chest felt extremely heavy as emotions rushed through me, emotions that I've long forgotten because they died along with my soul a long, long time ago. Jongho stared at me, his hand gripping the doorknob so tight, I was afraid it would crush under his strength. His other hand was balled into a tight fist.
It was the master bedroom, our room when we were still together. However, it was mostly Jongho's room because it was his gaming room. I was starting college back then, mostly online, so I used the other room - the room I used ever since. Jongho would end up sleeping there so it made sense that all his stuff be moved there.
We were so secure in our relationship that we had no problem sleeping in separate rooms. Of course we'd sleep next to each other most of the time, but the principle behind it stood.
In hindsight, maybe we weren't so secure after all.
"When was the last time you were here?" Jongho asked in urgency. There was an underlying threat to his voice, like he was trying to hold himself back from exploding, but I don't care. I was too focused on my own hurt.
I hesitated. "Five years ago," I replied honestly. "When I...found your letter that said not to look for you."
It was the first time that that door was opened in so long, I couldn't bear to even look at the door because it held so many painful memories for me.
"Why?" Jongho questioned, the heat of his gaze almost melted me into a messy puddle, but I couldn't bear to look at him, he looked so hurt under all the surprise and the facade.
Because I was hoping you'd come back one day.
I shrugged, hoping that I could sell the notion that I didn't care. It was so far from the truth. I couldn't tell him what I really felt.
Jongho was about to say something but I immediately cut him off. "Anyway," I cleared my throat. Jongho frowns deeper but he lets me be. "I'm a bit tired, you know where the shower is."
I turned my back quickly to leave, but Jongho stopped me. "Wait, please."
I stuttered in my steps, only turning my head to look at him and not my whole body. He also wasn't the type to say 'please'. His mouth opened to say something, but he opted to close it. "Good night, Y/N. Sleep well," was all he ended up saying.
I ran to my room a little faster than I wanted to and closed the door a little harder than I intended to. I don't care if Jongho notices, he knows damn well what he was doing when came here.
There was a point in my life where I never wanted to see Jongho again, but at the same time, I needed him to let me heal. But not like this.
I couldn't sleep that night. Up until this point I was working with empathy as my fuel and my body on autopilot. Tonight, everything came crashing down on me now that I was alone. It was horrific, the heartbreak and the pain that came with it barreled down my body and I couldn't breathe.
I could still feel the biting cold of the harsh winter snowfall when we first laid our eyes on each other. We were just teenagers, no older than fourteen, and it wasn't love at first sight, but it was a slow burn; a gradual fall that would have happened eventually even before we knew it.
Jongho's love always gave me an out-of-body experience, for his love was true and passionate. It was something you'd have to experience yourself to know what I meant. He was the sweetest lover, he was so patient with me and he had the most beautiful smile that always made me cry tears of joy for having him.
I built a world in my head that revolved around Jongho. Him and I managed to graduate high school, but we never went to college because we didn't see the point of it. We did odd jobs here and there until we bought our first house to prepare for the rest of our lives together. We had it so good.
Until it wasn't. He took a part of my heart that I can never, ever get back again when I found a letter in his room one day when I woke up. There was no other explanation. The amount of tears I cried for years could rival the hurricane happening right now.
I'd always suspected it was because of his career. The way he got so irritated and angry whenever I'd want to talk about what he did back then petrified me. He told me he found solace in a bank, but I knew he was lying. I was pretty sure the bank didn't give him all the bruises he came home with all the time.
I did try the dating scene after two years or so, but no such luck. I left every man that I'd make a connection with all the time because I would end up comparing every single one of them to Jongho and it wasn't fair to them.
But everything was in the past now. As I closed my eyes to try and rest, I made up my resolve to try and not catch feelings for him. I would break his heart before he broke mine again.
𝐉𝐔𝐍𝐄 𝟖, 𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟏
It took approximately five days for the rain to finally stop and by this time, it was safe to go out and see the sun.
These five days were some of the most challenging days of my entire life, more so than when I was trying to move on from Jongho before. We were so awkward around one another, it was as if we were strangers that were forced to co-habituate.
The only consolidation was that both of us barely went out of our rooms, except when I made dinner, but even then, we'd still eat in our rooms. I don't know about him, but I refused to go out there willingly and interact with him. Living together again felt a little too intimate for my liking.
And now he was leaving again. It's like he never even came in my life.
"A-Are you sure you're going to be okay?" I asked apprehensively from across the dining table.
Jongho zipped up his duffle bag that contained some of his clothes that he took from the room. It hurt me more than I'd like to admit, it was like he was permanently uprooting what's left of him from this place - from me.
He looked up and nodded. "Yes," Jongho responded curtly. He hesitated a bit before speaking again. "You're going to go grocery shopping this morning, aren't you?"
I raised a brow in surprise. Jongho pointed at something and when I looked, it was a note I had put there from a week before to remind me to refill my fridge. The tips of my ears warm up with embarrassment. I nodded at him, not knowing where this was going.
"I'll drop you off so you don't have to walk," he offered, voice soft. "The town exit is by that area...I can drive off from there."
I hesitated, biting my lip to think about it. To be quite honest, I was hoping that he would just say his thanks and leave. In reality, I don't want to watch him leave, my unhealed soul won't be able to take it.
However, maybe seeing it would help me finally move on and heal. "Okay," I agreed, my voice barely audible even in the silence that enveloped us, but he heard it anyway.
It was how I found myself sitting in the car with him as he drove. It was a small town, I could have walked to the store if I wanted to, but driving was still more convenient for me.
"I hope life will be a bit nicer to you from now on," I whispered all of a sudden as I watched the scenery bristle past us. Even with what happened to us, I will always want Jongho to succeed and be happy.
I could feel his eyes burn through me and I tried not to look at him. "You've always been such an angel," Jongho remarked quietly. The statement made my stomach drop. "Thank you, Y/N. You had no reason to take me in, but you still did."
Before I could ask if I was going to see him again, Jongho halted the car all of a sudden. I yelped a bit when I jutted forward, thank God for seatbelts, and I wanted to look at him in intense confusion, but when I looked up, I understood why.
There was destruction that laid across the streets and the town. Thick, gigantic trees had fallen over and covered the entire divide. It gave me the shivers to look at, but what made both me and Jongho pale was that the exit bridge was entirely destroyed. This town was located at the very edge of the country, and that bridge was the only thing connecting them.
I was startled when a knock sounded from my window. It was a construction worker. I lowered the window and we said our respects.
"I'm sorry for the inconvenience," he began. "It's very dangerous here, please turn back before you get hurt."
"How long until everything is up and functioning?" Jongho asked, obvious tension and anger tainted in his voice even when he was trying to hold back. "I'm not a resident here. Is there any other exit?"
"Afraid not, dear sir. Please, turn back. And it would probably take a couple of months to fix everything..."
Jongho's grip on the steering wheel became dangerously tight. He knew the answer to that question, but he still asked anyway. I didn't pay attention, my ears were ringing loudly in my brain
"Fuck!" Jongho hit the steering wheel hard with the palm of his hands, the force of it so intense, it shook the car a little bit.
I jumped a bit when he did it again, harder than the last. I've never heard Jongho curse with this vehemence, hell, I've never even seen him lose his temper this quick. Rage was written all over his face, his blown out eyes were wide with adrenaline and thick veins angrily popped out from his temples.
My heart stopped beating for a full second when Jongho snapped his head towards me and ran his eyes all over my terrorized state. His glare held cold emptiness. Who was this man? The Jongho I knew only looked at me with nothing but love and even if he didn't anymore, surely I don't deserve this?
He forced himself to stop glaring at me. It was such an odd sight, as if he was trying to reign in the demons that threatened to overtake him. He tried and tried until all that was left was his softened gaze.
I got so lost in thought that I didn't even realize that Jongho had not only parked his car , but he had also gotten out and opened the door for me.
"Let's go," he gently coaxed out. "I'd like to be home before sundown."
Home? My head started hurting from all the overstimulation. I looked around me, surprised that we were in front of the grocery store. I stared at Jongho in confusion. "A-Are you going in with me?" I blurted out dumbly.
My skin tingles when Jongho placed his hand at the lower part of my back and started making me walk with me inside. "How am I going to pay for the stuff if I'm not here?"
He grabbed a cart and started pushing it with one hand while his other hand had now travelled a little higher as he gently guided me with him.
"I have my own money," I frowned. "If this is about you staying for a while now, I'm not asking for anything in return."
"So keep them and stash them somewhere as savings," he replied. His hand separated from my back and he paused at one aisle. "You like instant ramen?"
"Oh, yes—wait," I sputtered like an absolute idiot, face getting redder by the minute. "Don't change the topic."
He grabbed the biggest box of instant ramen. Not only did he do that, but he also got my favourite variety. There was a look of amusement painted on his face, it made him look so much younger; it made him look so good.
We carried on doing the groceries together. I was so distracted by how domesticated we both looked. We looked like we were a married couple just trying to replenish their groceries. Jongho grabbed everything I needed but more so the stuff he knew I liked because I would eye them a little longer. I couldn't freely do this, my job at the bakery provided just enough for me to survive but not splurge on things I didn't need.
By the time we were done, the cart was so full that Jongho found it difficult to steer the cart. "There's a lot of things here I'm not even sure how to cook," I deadpanned.
"The internet exists, blossom. We'll figure it out," he assured. He cocked his head towards the cashier area. "Come on."
I lagged behind him, I didn't want him to see how red my entire face had become. Blossom. I'm not sure if he did it on purpose, but it was what he called me during the entirety of our relationship.
"Hey, Y/N! Good to see you out and about," Choi San, the cashier and one of my best friends, greeted. He turned to Jongho and bowed a bit. "Thank you for shopping with us, Sir..."
I stopped the smile threatening to come out. If only San knew that he was technically older than Jongho. I can't blame him though, Jongho was born with an old soul, it was one of the things that made me love him so, so much.
San kept wiggling his eyebrows at me in a teasing manner while Jongho wasn't looking. I put my finger to my lips to shush him, but that seemed to spur him on even more.
"Hope the storm wasn't too bad on you, Sannie. How's Haneul?" I asked him to distract him.
"She wasn't here when it happened, thank God," he laughed a little. He stared at Jongho, me, and then back at Jongho with a sly smile. "Your boyfriend is very generous, Y/N."
I fumbled, redness immediately spreading across my face. I wanted to retort, but the idiot purposefully turned to Jongho to ask some questions.
"Haven't seen you around here before, where are you from?"
"Seoul, my work is based in the mid-city," Jongho patiently replied as barrages of questions were hurled at him.
Jongho never really stayed long in this town for people to recognize him, and even if he did, he barely went out anyway. As the conversation went on, I realized that Jongho never corrected San when he said that he was my boyfriend. It sent me into an intense mental whiplash.
"A total of ₩973,841," San stated after he was done doing his cashier things.
My heart thudded and my grip on my wallet became impossibly tight. I was on a restricted budget since the bakery isn't going to be open for a while, luckily I was good at saving, but still. I was about to open my mouth to retort but Jongho beat me to it.
"Do you accept dollars?" Jongho inquired. When San confirmed they did, he fished out a prestigious black card that everyone only dreamed of having.
Shame crept onto my face. It meant that Jongho was thriving in his career and even went international. It wasn't a surprise because Jongho had always been meant for greater things while I was still that painfully normal girl. We weren't even in the same level of status at this point.
"Stop thinking what you're thinking."
I was a bit startled when Jongho tucked a piece of my hair behind my ears. "I know you, and it's okay," he murmured. When my expression didn't relent, he sighed. "Make me dinner tonight then, but I'm telling you, I don't need anything."
I agreed. It was better than owing Jongho. He picked up all the heavy shopping bags effortlessly and San's widened eyes made me giggle. San was crazy strong, but Jongho's strength was something out of this world.
"Loaded and strong," San whistled. I blushed in embarrassment and playfully glared at San. His laughter was still ringing in my head even after we left the store.
The drive home was more peaceful this time, except for my internal turmoil. Jongho was going to live with me for God-knows-how-long.
"That cashier, your friend?" Jongho suddenly asked. "He seems nice."
"San? Yes, he is," I paused for a moment before I spoke again. "He's my ex, actually."
Jongho's brows raised in genuine surprise. "Oh? What happened?"
"Nothing," I shrugged. He side eyed me, unimpressed. "No, I'm serious. Nothing happened, which was why we broke up."
He didn't say anything, waiting for me to continue. "I met San through a mutual friend of ours. He just had his heart broken, and I was lonely, so we tried for each other. Instead of developing romance, we ended up being extremely good friends instead. It was a win-win for us."
It wasn't the entire truth. There were countless nights where San and I cried in each other's arms in desperation because we both wanted to move on and genuinely be with each other, but we just both couldn't. San's heart wasn't ready and I was still desperately in love with Jongho.
"What about you?" I asked with genuine interest. "Anyone within five years, or perhaps as of now?"
I was nervous to hear his answer, but it was only fair that I asked. "Had a few," he admitted. "None of which lasted for more than two weeks, I'm afraid. Last time I even bothered to try was three years ago."
"Why?" I bit my lip as I waited for his response, though I was a bit surprised. Jongho was shy, but he was extremely attractive so that's that.
He parked in front of the house before turning to look at me. "For the same reasons as yours," he whispered.
My heart started to beat a million miles per minute. "You don't even know mine," I frowned.
"But I do," he shook his head slowly. That darkness in his eyes was back. He stole my breath relentlessly when he grabbed my chin and tilted it towards him.
It wasn't normal; the gesture was rough and demanding. "I can see it in your eyes," he said with a small smirk. I gulped when he pressed his thumb on my bottom lip. "We were each other's anchor. You'd do best to believe that."
Jongho got out of the car and I remained frozen in my spot. That was weird, the Jongho I knew would never act like that! Just who was this man I took in for almost a week, and now, will be taking in for a couple of months?
But wait, was he implying that he can't find someone else either because he still loved me?
"Then why did you leave?" I bombarded him when I quickly ran to the house before he could do anything else.
Jongho stared at me blankly. It was uncomfortable, his eyes were the darkest I have ever seen. Without replying, he turned around and locked himself in his room.
I scoffed, tempted to pull my hair out, the nerve of this man! I might as well be talking to a wall! I decided to put all the groceries away and start on dinner.
I couldn't concentrate though, I genuinely thought we had a connection already. And his eyes, his demeanor, it was freaking me out.
Him walking out wasn't technically new, even before, he'd walk out when he didn't want to be confronted, but this was different. At least before, he used to smile and they would hold this softness to it that I never saw again in another man since he’s walked out of my life.
Dinner was silent. I made homemade ramen and I could see the surprise in his eyes. I smirked in satisfaction when his jaw hardened. He loved it but he doesn't want to admit it.
"Want to drink tonight?" Jongho blurted out all of a sudden in the middle of dinner.
Just when I thought we were strangers, he busts out things that bring me nostalgia.
"I suppose I don't mind," I shrugged. "Where?"
"Here. I bought alcohol earlier," Jongho put his dirty dishes in the sink before he turned to my confused expression. "You forgot to check the trunk, blossom. Again."
I blushed in embarrassment. Jongho and I loved drinking occasionally after dinner, we both held our alcohol well, and he has a habit of putting them in the trunk of his car instead. I don't know why, and he doesn't either.
Jongho went outside and when he came back, he was carrying two cases of soju. They were two different flavours, one for me and one for him specifically. My heart was confused if it wanted to soar or drop.
We both excitedly opened a bottle and clinked our bottles together. I couldn't hold back a smile when I began drinking. Jongho had the regular flavor, and I had the peach one. When I got another one, I couldn't open the bottle in a heated fervor.
Jongho saw my struggle and grabbed my bottle. "Really, Y/N? I have to do everything for you it seems," Jongho smirked at me as he gave me the bottle. "Think I should wipe your ass for you too?"
I squinted my eyes at him. He was definitely feeling buzzed, but so was I. "Better than doing it myself," I scoffed.
I got the shock of my life when Jongho reached out and wiped my face vigorously. My mouth drops at his grin, the nerve of this man!
I got up and walked to the fridge to get the dessert I made - homemade doughnuts - as he burst out laughing from behind me. I smiled a little, how I missed that sound coming from him. Too bad it was the alcohol acting.
"It looks like assholes," he blurted out when he got one and inspected that misshapen doughnut. I didn't mean for them to come out like that, I couldn't concentrate.
I snatched the doughnut from him. "Yeah?" I hissed. "I was thinking of you when I made them."
It was his turn to scoff, but I could see the mirth in his eyes. "Don't you think this is getting old?" Jongho smirked.
"So are you," I bit back.
This time, the comeback really made him snort and began laughing so loud that I see tears forming in his eyes. I couldn't help but laugh with him and then we were two idiots just laughing at anything and everything we see. When we stopped, all we did was look at each other and begin laughing all over again.
It was like five years ago all over again and I temporarily felt five years younger as I turned back in time with all the nostalgia flowing through my body with the alcohol.
"Remember that one time you told this kid in our class that he was weird for being right-handed?" I hiccupped, the alcohol taking its full effect on me.
Jongho turned red, if he wasn't already, and began laughing again. "Yeah, well I thought everyone was left-handed like me."
He leaned his elbow on the table and closer to me. "Remember the first time you gave me a 'love letter'?"
I was mortified and I buried my face in my hands with a loud groan. It triggered another laughing episode between the two of us. "Shut the fuck up," I groaned loudly, highly embarrassed. "I really didn't know!"
A year after we met, I already knew I loved Jongho and I knew he felt the same, but he wasn't making a move and I got extremely impatient. I wrote him a love letter and decided to put it in his jacket pocket when he wasn't looking.
Imagine my mortification when I found out that the letter was still in my purse and my sanitary pads were gone.
"You were probably so nervous, so you switched them up," he chuckled, amused by the memory even thirteen years later.
We began mellowing down and just enjoyed each other's presence. I was beginning to get woozy and halfway drunk while Jongho still looked okay, though I can tell he was restraining from getting drunk to a point like mine.
"Jongie? My baby bear?" I squeaked out, lids almost dropping down.
"Yes?" Jongho mused after he got over the initial shock of me calling him my favourite thing.
"Why did you leave me?"
He froze midway from drinking out of the soju bottle. He decided to set it back down the table and heaved a massive sigh. "I can't tell you that, blossom," he whispered, the agony of his words dampening the mood.
I swallowed, my tongue itching for one question I swore to ask him if I ever saw him again. "Did you ever love me?"
Silence. A chill in my blood traveled through my head and made me nauseous. I was coherent enough to ask and remember the next day, but I was far too gone to even care if Jongho answered or not.
"My love, you're pushing it," Jongho desperately shook his head. "Don't."
How dare he call me his love? His hypocrisy made me giggle out loud. "It's okay," I lied. "You can't break my heart like I can."
I walked every broken path for this man, fought everyone in my way just so I could have him and him I, yet when push came to shove, he was nowhere to be found.
The hurt and the pain cut deep like a razor blade. There were times that I wanted to end it, for dying felt more justifiable than not having Jongho in my life, but I was a coward; I couldn't do it.
"Hold on to me," Jongho murmured as he started to lift me from the chair and carry me to bed when I started to snooze from the alcohol.
But dying felt unnecessary, I was dead long gone before my conscious body did. Jongho knew how I'd feel if he left, and he still did it. He was content watching me wither away from afar.
He tucked me in like he usually did. He gave me a tender kiss on my head before pressing his forehead on mine. The gesture made my heart clench in my chest. He stayed like that for a while.
"Y/N?" Jongho whispered so softly. I hummed out a reply, I was too sleepy to talk. He shuts his eyes tight. "I am so sorry."
𝐀𝐔𝐆𝐔𝐒𝐓 𝟐𝟐, 𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟏
Two months with Jongho felt like a breeze. It wasn't all bad being with him. Ever since that night, we were both on edge for a while but all of that drifted apart when we relaxed a little and communicated more.
I never asked anything about his departure and his career ever again. It drove him away and even though I'm trying not to love him again, my gut always felt sick when I felt that Jongho slipped away when I asked.
Right now, summer was at its peak and I decided to work on my small garden that was directly in front of the driveway. Gardening was something I picked up from years ago to make myself busy and not think too much about Jongho.
And speak of the devil, and he shall come. I felt his presence by the door. "Is there a tech store here somewhere?" Jongho asked.
"Yeah. You know surprisingly, this town literally has everything," I giggled. "It's in the plaza near town square."
"Great. I need to upgrade my computer for my work, so I'm going out."
I froze. He's never gone out without me before, not because he liked taking me or I wanted to go, but because I wanted to show him around since, again, when we moved he wasn't here long enough to explore the town.
"H-How long are you g-going to take?" I brushed past him, not bothering to even face him, and washed my soiled hands in the sink. My heart was beating so fast in anxiety.
"Two hours, maximum. I'll pick up lunch on the way too so you don't have to cook. What do you want?"
Something ugly was beginning to rear its head inside me and I turned around to confront it with him, but for the second time, I froze.
His hair was styled into a purposeful tousle that stopped below his ears, his bangs parted in the middle. He wore this very, very tight shirt that emphasized his bulked out chest and arms. It fit him perfectly, and I swear, they were inviting me in so I can get enveloped in a welcoming embrace.
"Y/N?" Jongho's fingers were snapping to get my attention. "You okay?"
No, I wasn't. When Jongho was met with silence and my teary eyes, he sighed heavily with realization - that I was terrified at the prospect of him leaving and never coming back.
Pain shines in his eyes. He approaches me and grabs my hand to place something in it. "Keep this safe for me, okay?" Jongho murmured. He squeezed my hand and my heart squeezed along with it. "I will need it back."
When I looked down, it was the black card he uses to pay for things - which was everything at this point - and it's all he's been using. I stared at him as he wiped a lone tear from my eyes.
"I'll be back. Be a good girl," he said. Butterflies exploded in my stomach.
Suddenly his phone rang and his expression changed into relief, like he had been expecting that call. It's probably work. Jongho grabbed the back of my head gently and pulled towards him so he could kiss the top hastily before he left.
I stood on the same spot for well over half an hour after. I could still feel the ghost of his kiss on my head and in a daze, I inspected the heavy card. It looked like an ordinary card, but when I looked closer, it was thick, like there was something inside it...
I shook my head. No, Y/N, you need to sleep," I muttered to myself as I laid down on the couch
Soon enough I fell into a short slumber. It was one of those situations where I know I'm asleep but my mind can't stop working. I was scared to hear those screams again.
For the last two months, I've been waking up every single day in a cold sweat because in my dreams, I could hear Jongho scream for help. I felt so helpless every time because my body can't move and I can't seem to find the source of his anguished voice.
I hated nighttime, I hated closing my eyes because it's where he would haunt me the most.
"You excited?"
I nodded with unmatched enthusiasm. "Of course Jongie bear," I giggled. "I don't think we've ever gone out on a date by the beach before..."
It was beautiful. I could my skin crawl with excitement as I stared at the bluest waves, the finest sand against my feet, and the saltiest smell of the ocean before us.
"My blossom, my love, please be careful, I'm begging you," Jongho pleaded with mercy when I excitedly climbed over a railing and balanced on it. It was old with age, and thin with the constant water hitting it.
It resembled a plank more than a railing. "It's okay," I laughed, playfully rolling my eyes at my worried boyfriend. "You'd always catch me---"
Suddenly, I felt rumbling beneath me and the snap of eroded wood that you would never want to ever hear. And then I was falling to the ocean, and I couldn't swim.
But instead of water, I hit solid ground - more wood. It all happened in a split second, Jongho managed to catch up to me and toss me but he can't swim either.
"Jongho!" I screamed as I tried to grab onto his hand, but to no avail. "Jongho!"
There it was. That raw, guttural scream for help that I was forced to listen to as the love of my life slowly disappeared from my sight.
"Y/N! Help me, I can't wake her up!"
I felt someone shake my shoulder and another one try to gently pat my face in an attempt to wake me up from my nightmare. When I opened my eyes, I was met with sighs of relief and a comforting hug.
"You can't scare us like that!" Wooyoung squawked as he let go of my face.
Someone wiped my tears and I realized I was in someone's arms. "I've never seen you like that," Mingi admitted, rubbing my arms for comfort. "You just kept screaming."
"Drink this..."
I greedily took the water that San gave me and gulped the whole thing in one go. My head pounded, the four of us were so close that they just barged in without knocking to hang out, especially now since we're trapped in town with nothing to do.
"Thank you," I murmured.
Mingi was in some of my classes in high school and we were both surprised when we both saw each other move here. He introduced me to sweet Wooyoung and he claimed that I was his 'best friend' and I just went along with him. He was the mutual friend that introduced me to San.
I got out of Mingi's hold and paced back and forth in my living room. "I was screaming?" I was confused. "Was I screaming anything?"
The three of them looked at each other with hesitant faces. The atmosphere in the room got tense, and I frowned. "What?" I joked. "Please tell me I wasn't saying something embarrassing."
"No, you weren't," Wooyoung pursed his lips. "You were screaming Jongho's name over and over again."
It was like a time bomb set into motion, like that song. Truth be told, that dream was the scariest I've had of Jongho so far.
"Your ex?" San frowned. "I thought you had a boyfriend?"
Mingi and Wooyoung's head snapped towards me in record speed, both of their eyes wide in utmost shock. Betrayal coated their features and I gasped softly, I haven't told them about Jongho living with me!
"That big ass guy reminds me of a bear," San chuckled, unaware of my glare at him. "He always comes every other day to buy your favourite snacks."
Jongho had always been attentive. Obviously, my taste in food has changed in five years, but still, he just knew what I liked.
"Ya, we were supposed to tell everything to each other, you traitor," Wooyoung fake sulked.
"Do we know who it is?" Mingi wondered.
I froze. Mingi was dead spot on; he did know Jongho because of our classes, but I've never shown both San and Wooyoung what Jongho looked like because there was simply no need. All they needed to know was my pain.
"You might," San beamed, making me glare at him harder. "Though I haven't seen him before until a couple of months back..."
I was about to retort something to try and wiggle myself out of this sticky situation, when I heard the keys and the doorknob jiggling.
"Why are there so many shoes out here? Y/N?" Jongho's voice grumbled from outside. Shit, shit!
But it was too late. When Jongho entered, his body tensed with mild surprise at two grown adult men smiling ear to ear at him. Mingi's jaw slacked open and he turned to look at me.
"Ah, that's him," San grinned. "Hello, Y/N's boyfriend!"
"Hello, San," Jongho curtly replied in true Jongho fashion. I can tell he was getting annoyed with the onslaught of attention.
It was something that never changed with him - he hated interacting with people he didn't know. He looked around and his eyes widened for a fraction of a second before he composed himself.
"You? Mingi seethed. Wooyoung and San were surprised at the animosity but I wasn't because this was a long time coming.
Mingi charged quickly at Jongho before anyone could stop him and grabbed him by the collar. "You're a piece of work, aren't you?"
Jongho was taken aback a bit, but a nasty smirk covers his face and I can tell Mingi immediately faltered. "Am I?" Jongho taunted.
"What the hell is going on? You know each other?" Wooyoung frowned. He protectively put me behind him. "Stay here for now, okay?"
San took the initiative to try and break them. "Mingi! What are you doing?" San panicked a bit. "He's not bothering you, let go of him!"
Jongho laughed menacingly, his eyes getting sharper and his aura darkening before my very eyes. "You lot are the ones who are bothersome right now."
San's eyes widened and was visibly taken aback at Jongho's venomous attitude and Mingi's hands noticeably loosened its grip.
"How are you, Mingi?" Jongho patted Mingi's back threateningly with a smirk. "Miss me?"
"Bastard!" Mingi spat and harshly shoved Jongho away from him.
"Stop it!" Wooyoung hissed as he rubbed my arms in comfort. "Can you guys not do this in front of Y/N?"
Jongho quickly regained his footing but not before San tried to help him. Jongho roughly shoved San off of him. "Woah, woah buddy," San put his arms in defense. "I'm just---"
"Get away from him," Mingi gritted his teeth and pointed at Jongho. San, being the helpful person he is, refused until Mingi spoke. "You have one minute to explain why you're here, Choi Jongho."
San gasped and his arms turned limp from his sides. "What did you say?" he hissed, pointing vehemently at a bored looking Jongho. "This is your ex?"
Everyone turned to look at me, even Wooyoung. I looked down at the floor in shame and I nodded. Mingi marched towards me and grabbed my arm to go to the other corner of the room while the other three tried to settle in.
Jongho's eye twitched as he turned to look at San. "Why didn't you tell me?" San snarled.
"You never asked," Jongho scoffed. "I've been paying with my card with my name on it and you never saw?"
"So," Mingi turned to me with his arm crossed. I sheepishly smiled at him but it wasn't working. "When are you going to tell us that you're back with your ex?"
"I-I wasn't!" I sputtered out at his bluntness.
"Jongho sure as hell ain't denying it," Mingi deadpanned. "What have you gotten yourself into?"
"Nothing," I shook my head. "He won't be here for long anyway."
It pained me to say it, but it was true. Mingi bit his lip in apprehension. "And how do you feel about that? Do you still love him?"
I froze. It wasn't something I thought about ever since he came along two months ago. "I don't know," I admitted, much to Mingi's dismay.
"Goddamn it, Y/N," he cursed. "You're setting yourself up for failure, and this time, it might hurt more."
When Mingi and I got back, Wooyoung and Jongho were in a heated verbal match with San interjecting a piece of his mind occasionally.
"You should have never come back," Wooyoung hissed, his attitude rivaling Jongho's. "And then what? You're going to leave again?"
Jongho's eyes blazed. "Watch your tongue or have it cut from your head."
I choose to sit between Jongho and Wooyoung so they won't have a fist fight. "Jongho, please stop," I pleaded. "You're making it worse."
Jongho glared at Wooyoung, his eyes focused and unblinking. At first, Wooyoung stood his ground and stared back, but when Jongho grinned and bared his teeth, Wooyoung caved in and crumbled.
"You don't scare me," Wooyoung mumbled - a total lie.
"And I don't like you," Jongho scoffed arrogantly.
My eyes widened. Five years ago, Jongho was never this straightforward and I could tell Mingi was a bit taken aback too. Wooyoung squawked at the admission.
"I don't like you either," Wooyoung huffed. "You hurt my best friend!"
The whole afternoon was spent with San and Wooyoung arguing with Jongho back and forth, but I couldn't shake off what Mingi said. Jongho showed no signs of wanting to up and leave but what's to say that he's only biding his time until the bridge is done.
I shuddered. It was possible. With Jongho, the future is uncertain and nothing is set in stone.
"Forgive me for saying this," San said sarcastically. "We were here when you upped and left Y/N."
"Exactly," Wooyoung interjected. "You can't just show up like nothing ever happened!"
"I hate to say it, Jongho, but they're right," Mingi shrugged.
Jongho leaned forward. There was an unmistakable gleam of cynicism in his eyes. "So," he began. "You mean to tell me that all of you are opposed to me staying here?"
"Yes," all three of them said at the same time.
Jongho nodded. "Fantastic. I shall stay longer, then."
He stood up and made his way to his bedroom with all of our mouths agape with his audacity. "Call me when you've kicked these cretins out, I'm going to take a nap," he told me before he shut the door.
"What?!" Wooyoung screeched as he stood up from the couch so fast, I got a whiplash. "That bastard!"
It took a while but I had managed to convince these three that I was going to be fine. The moment they all left, I managed to let out the breath that I didn't even realize I was holding. The cat's out of the bag now, so that's one less thing to worry about.
I knocked softly on Jongho's door to see if he was okay, but there was no response, so I'm assuming he fell asleep.
Bored, I plopped down the couch and turned the television on. The last time I turned this on was when I was watching out for the storm and it was still as mundane as ever. I shook my head as I flipped through channels.
Finally, I managed to settle on one that's watchable enough. Animal Kingdom. Fine, I could live with that. I groaned hard when a commercial came in, but instead of the regular commercials, this was a newscast.
"Coming all the way from our Korean Intelligence Agency live is Deputy Director Jeong..."
I frowned. Now that I think about it, there was this ongoing case of a well-known mafia in the city that the government was trying to take down. I raised the volume up to hear.
"Sir, would you say that we are close to solving this? And what about the infamous bank heist by the south of Seoul?"
Now that caught my attention. Jongho used to work in that bank when we were still starting out our relationship.
"We are doing our very best. We are closer than ever to---"
I was confused when the television suddenly turned black. I looked behind me and Jongho was glaring holes at the television as he held the remote control.
"You should go to sleep," he said, voice tight. "It's getting late."
I didn't know how to react. This wasn't the first time that Jongho turned off either my television or his car radio when we drove somewhere.
Deep down, I knew he was hiding something. I'm not foolish enough to not speculate. "I'm not sleepy yet," I said. "Would you like to watch something else with me then?"
"No," Jongho gritted his teeth. I jumped a bit on how harsh his voice had become.
But something in me snapped. "Choi Jongho," I marched towards him until I was directly on his face. "I understand perfectly well that you have problems with your career or whatever, after all, you left me for it."
Jongho's lips twist into a sneer and then he scoffs, but I cut him off. "I don't deserve this, this is my house," I stood my ground. "You can't act like you own it when you haven't even told me why!"
"Your house?" Jongho growled in anger, his tongue pressing against cheek in arrogance. "My name is still in the deed."
"So what?" I retorted with equal arrogance. "I'm the one who made this a home rather than just a place to sleep in!"
"I'm not telling you anything, we've talked about this!" Jongho raised his voice in frustration as he turned to walk away from me. "Why are you so dead set on finding out?"
"Are you hearing yourself?" I screeched. "We belonged to each other at one point, the least you could do is tell me!"
"How much of me are you willing to take?" Jongho banged his palms on the dining table, the sound of it echoing in the distance. "There's nothing left for you to take, don't you understand?"
"Why are you acting like this is my fault?" I screamed in frustration. "I've taken your bullshit for you! You have no respect!"
I also went to the table and banged my hands on it as well, just to show that he can't push me around like he used to. "Give me your reason!"
"Because I hate that I need you! Then, and right now," Jongho confessed in one breath.
My arms went limp at the revelation of his thoughts all along. When Jongho looked at me again, his eyes rimmed red as his chest rose up and down
When we were young, Jongho was my solace - my salvation, my everything. In another life, we could have had children by now, we could have been that couple that grew old and gray. But the truth was right here in front of me, I was the only one to ever have these dreams.
He'd made up his choice a long time ago, I was the only one holding on to a distant memory. This one hurt far worse than when Jongho left, because right now, I can't drive a nail through his mistakes.
"Y/N, please," Jongho's voice brought me out of that darkness. He still sounded angry, but he also sounded desperate.
His hand reaches out to cup my face and his thumb strokes my skin. "You're the only thing that's keeping me alive. Please, go to sleep."
𝐀𝐔𝐆𝐔𝐒𝐓 𝟑𝟏, 𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟏
I awoke to cold sweat again, the stickiness of it uncomfortable with how my shirt had clung to my skin. I sighed, another nightmare.
There were nights I fell asleep only because I got too tired from staying awake. I couldn't concentrate much when I woke up from the lack of sleep and it was concerning me.
Jongho and I haven't been on speaking terms for a week or so. His words had plagued my mind since then, but that's not what woke me up tonight.
The screams were back. Jongho's screams in my head were back.
With a heavy sigh and a massive headache, I got up from my bed and left the room to grab a glass of water. I didn't even bother putting on pants, I knew Jongho wouldn't be out in the dead of night.
"Get away from me..."
I paused midway from the glass touching my lips. I looked around, spooked that I was hearing things that I wasn't supposed to because of the sleep deprivation. I waited a little to see if I was going to hear something again.
"Please!"
A high-pitched, grating scream resounded from the entire house and I dropped the glass in shock. The sound of the glass breaking got drowned out from, yet again, another guttural scream.
At first, I thought someone from outside was asking for help and their voice was loud enough to filter in the house, but when another scream resounded, I gasped and slapped my hands over my mouth in a heartbreaking discovery.
It was the same scream in my dreams. The scream was coming from Jongho's room, and all this time, it was never a dream.
"Jongho?" I worriedly knocked on his door. My knocks got louder and louder, more frantic, when he didn't respond. "Jongho, please!"
His repeated screams pierced my heart. I tried everything I could as I screamed his name in urgency - punching the door, jiggling the doorknob, even kicking the door even though I knew it would be fruitless - but nothing.
An idea popped in my head and I quickly acted upon it. Tears started freely flowing from my eyes pathetically as my hands shook too much from finding the right key in Jongho's room. All this time, Jongho was having nightmares and I didn't even realize or help.
"Fuck, fuck!" I hissed when I dropped the keys. No matter what I did, I couldn't stop my shaking hands.
I almost tripped on my feet when I quickly rushed into the bedroom. My heart broke when I looked at Jongho. He was contorted into an odd angle onto himself, his face red and his entire body sweating. He had no shirt on, but I couldn't even care about that right now.
"Jongho, love, please wake up," I tried shaking him gently so he wouldn't freak out when he woke up, but when that didn't work, I tried again.
I burst out in pitiful tears when Jongho let out an anguished groan. His voice was agonizing, primal even, and my heart couldn't handle seeing him like this.
"Jongho, come on now, wake up," I tapped his beautiful face a little harder this time. But that also didn't do anything.
In desperation, I peppered his face with little kisses while also shaking him. "Jongho!" I said out loud since gentle methods didn't work. But nothing.
What did work was when I thumped my fists on his hard chest. It was my turn to scream when Jongho suddenly grabbed me and flipped me on the bed so he was on top of me. He started choking me in a blinded rage and I clawed his hands in a panic.
"J-Jongho, i-it's me," I coughed, wheezing as I felt the oxygen leave my body. "B-Baby bear, p-please..."
The light seemed to come back to his eyes and they slowly melted from this hallucination to something more sentient. I took a big gulp of breath when he let go and wheezed uncontrollably. Jongho's horrified face put two and two together when he stared at the red marks on my neck.
"Oh God," he choked. He hurriedly grabbed my shoulders as he smoothed my hair out of my face so he could see. "I am so, so sorry, are you okay?"
I nodded and unconsciously held onto his arm. "Are you okay?" I worriedly asked.
"For fuck's sake, love, can you please try and worry about yourself for once? I choked you, for crying out loud!" Jongho said, irritation lacing his features.
"I'm good, seriously, I expected it," I assured him truthfully. I pressed a hand to his face and caressed it. "How are you feeling?"
His body froze at the gesture and a storm started to brew in his eyes as he hesitated to move. I bit my lip and nodded. It looked like a huge weight was lifted off of his shoulders as he closed his eyes and nuzzled his face in my hands.
A realization started to slowly dawn on me. The fear I felt as Jongho slowly slipped from my fingers just now was the proof of my love for him.
The intimacy of our setup right now also slowly dawns on me. A chill went up my spine when Jongho kissed my palm. The chill further down and I almost cursed when I realized that I was only wearing my shirt and my panties, no bra.
Jongho seemed to realize it at the same time. He slowly traced my skin with his eyes from my legs, my stiff nipples, and my face. I wasn't faring any better - Jongho's toned chest was up my face. I gulped, he was much bigger than I remembered him to be.
"May I?" Jongho tugged my shirt. When I nodded and raised my arms, Jongho hastily took my shirt off.
His breath hitched as he looked at me over, the desire in his eyes overpowering the nightmares that plagued his mind.
He hovered over me as I laid down flatly on the bed. I let out a breathy moan when he started to kiss the sweet spots on my neck as his rough hand gently kneaded my tits. I whispered his name directly in his ear when he rolled my nipples in between his fingers.
"You know," he pulled away to spread my legs so he could go in between them. "This was my favourite position when I was with you."
It caught me off guard. I blushed at his crudeness and straightforwardness. "Why?" I asked.
"Because," he began. I gasped when he humped my clothed pussy. "The way I could go deeper in you always made my head spin, especially when I see your fucked out face when you're close."
My eyes widened. Sure, back then, Jongho would talk dirty, but he never talked this dirty. I couldn't hold back a loud moan when he humped particularly hard against me.
He leaned down directly to my ear and whispered sensually. "But I especially love when you scream my name when you beg me to make you come."
"Kiss me," I blurted out.
Jongho growled before he held the back of my head and pulled my lips to his. It was passionate, but at the same time, filthy. It was years and years of longing and want. I felt wetness down there when I felt his hard cock twitch inside his sweatpants.
"Jongho," I moaned as I tried to pull away, but he kept trying to chase my lips with his. "Jongho..."
"Mmm," he complained in between his kisses. It took everything in me not to keep going.
"Maybe we should stop," I squealed when his hand brushed against my inner thigh and pussy.
"We should," he agreed, his voice hoarse with want. "One more and I will."
This time, he claimed my lips stronger. He groaned in my mouth when I pulled on his hair as we both blindly touched each other in random places. But eventually, Jongho had to reluctantly break the kiss.
One thing that never did change was his sweetness and aftercare. He put my shirt back on and we both laid down next to each other with his arm around me and my head on his chest.
"I've been having these nightmares for a while," Jongho said out loud all of a sudden. "I've done...things I will regret for the rest of my life."
He kissed the top of my head. "Things you don't want to know."
He was right. If it's supposed to be like this, then I don't want to know what's bothering him because the more he dives into it, the more I get hurt seeing him fight the demons I don't even dare expose myself to.
"I'm trying to help you," I said, despite my thoughts. "It always seems like you're always running away."
"Maybe because I am," he sighed. "I've been a prisoner in my own hands for a while now."
"I'm sorry," was all I could say. I wanted to say that he wasn't the only one; I've been trapped and enslaved in my own mind for so long that I'm surprised that I haven't lost my mind yet.
When Jongho didn't say anything else, I slowly got up from his hold. I already missed his warmth. "I should get going so you can rest," I mumbled.
When my feet were close to touching the floor, I felt his hands hold on my arm to stop me. "Wait," Jongho whispered.
I was taken aback by how soft his voice was, especially if I was comparing it from a week ago when we had that argument. He pulled me to his lap, his head nuzzling the corner of my neck. I blushed profusely, I didn't even feel this way when we made out.
"Stay," his muffled voice requested as his hug became tighter. "I need you right now."
"Jongho," I whined softly. There was nothing left to say, we were blurring the lines between a host helping an old friend out. I bit my lip, to be fair, we already blurred that line earlier when we made out.
"Just for tonight," he bargained. "Then we can ignore each other again tomorrow."
I know I shouldn't. The logical part of my ego is aware that this was a terrible idea, but the emotional part of my psyche wants me to give myself to my desires just this once.
I crawled out of his lap and positioned myself comfortably on the bed. "How can I go back to ignoring you after this?" I mumbled as he started to spoon me.
"You don't," he answered. "It was hell to know you're here with me but refused to talk."
I hummed. "You know it was your fault right?"
"Yes," he admitted. "Let's catch up on some sleep now, okay?"
"Are you insane?!" I buried my face in my hands. "Don't scare me like that ever again!"
Jongho laughed, his face breaking out into the most beautiful ray of sunshine as he smoothed his wet hair out of his face. He hugged me as tears started to flow from my eyes.
"Hush now, I'm sorry. I didn't think you'd react this bad," he rubbed my back for added comfort.
"Are you kidding?" I sniffled, shuffling my feet to turn and point at the spot where Jongho had fallen by the ocean as a prank. "That scream you'd let out, I thought that was the end of you, you bastard!"
"I'm so sorry," he chuckled at my pouty face. He pouted, how could I resist him? "Let's go swimming properly now, okay? This beach is perfect for us."
I just knew after that, that I will never hear that scream ever again.
My eyes flew open for absolutely no reason this time. My heart was beating out of control when I did. I didn't feel good, I'm about to throw up.
Something was very wrong. There was a sense of impending doom looming over me that I can't explain.
Or maybe I'm just too exhausted and paranoid. I moved my hand to hug Jongho for comfort but my heart could burst out of my ribcage when all my hands touched were pillows and blankets.
I could feel tears forming in my eyes faster than my mind could comprehend as I rose up quickly from the bed. I did it so fast that blood rushed towards my head and it rendered me nauseous. I almost cursed when I tripped on my two feet, but no matter, I had to find Jongho.
There was only one thing in my mind - had he left me again?
It was definitely a panic attack rising. The room was spinning, the overwhelming doom and desperation was making me function, but it was difficult. What might be something as innocent as Jongho maybe using the bathroom had distorted into something horrifying in my mind.
It's terror, it's shame, it's desperation and it's death all at once.
"You know they're just going to find you, correct?"
I rejoiced at the voice I heard, but all that doom came rushing back when I realized that the voice did not belong to my beloved.
"Of course, I do. You play me for a fool."
That was Jongho, but the way he spoke terrified me. I quickly rushed to the backyard when I realized that the voices belonged there, but I stopped when I took a quick peek at the window overlooking there. My heart dropped, I wasn't expecting anything, but I definitely wasn't expecting another man to be with Jongho.
"What do you want?" Jongho snarled lowly, his voice taking a darker turn. "It must be important if you made your unwelcome presence known."
The man laughed heartily. "Oh Jongho, straightforward as always," he smirked. "Fear not, I won't take long. How's life as a domesticated man?"
"You shut your fucking mouth, or I'll make sure you never talk again," Jongho hissed. He took a step of two towards the man, who didn't even flinch. Rather, he looked amused, like he knew Jongho wouldn't go through with it.
As for me, I felt freezing water pour over me as the cold reality of what Jongho said rang through my head. My Jongho was sweet and kind, and this man in front of me was not him.
"Feisty," the man grinned sadistically. "You know I love that fire inside of you. Quite a shame that you don't want to be something more."
I didn't move or even breathe. More than what? Something tells me I wasn't supposed to be listening to this.
"You say that as if it's such a bad thing," Jongho smirked.
"It's not," the man admitted. "But for the life we lead, it can be."
"Cut the crap, Hongjoong. Tell me what you want."
"Say 'please' and I'll think about it."
Jongho's laugh afterwards made my body rigid. It was sinister - evil. This was the man who bared his heart and soul to me last night, and he wasn't one for feelings to begin with. I never thought I'd get scared of Jongho, until now.
I strained my ears when they talked in hushed tones. I couldn't hear any but if I moved even an inch, I might get discovered. If this was the choice that Jongho made after he left me, then God bless us all.
"In all seriousness," the man - Hongjoong - spoke. "That's all I know. I won't tell anyone you're here, but if I were you, I would do something about it."
"You think I give a fuck about all of this?" Jongho snapped, his loud voice piercing through the night. He looked nothing short of terrifying. "Do not lie to me, I'm the worst person you can lie to and you know it."
"Or you could just call it quits. You know what to do," Hongjoong tilted his head in amusement. He reminded me of an undertaker for some reason.
I gasped but quickly covered my mouth with my shaking hands. My heart stopped beating for a bit as I watched Jongho hold out a gun and point the other end at Hongjoong, whose expression changed from amused to irritated.
"Or you can tell me what you know or I'll put a hole on your head and look for it, myself," Jongho threatened, his hold on the gun firm and absolute.
"I wouldn't do that if I were you," Hongjoong's lips curl to a taunting sneer. "What would she say? What's her name again? Y/N?"
Flashes of memories go through my head one by one. I still remember the day we first kissed. Jongho was so shy at that time he didn't even want to look at me. It was slow, sweet, and sure. I also remember the first time we laid under the stars and watched the shooting star. My wish back then was for Jongho to stay the way he is. And he told me he would.
What a terrible lie that had been. The Jongho I knew held my hands, not the cold barrel of a pistol.
"Keep her out of this," Jongho snarled, his hands clearly shaking from where I was with rage. "No mafia is going to stop me from destroying all of you if you involve her, so whatever you're thinking, think again."
“You’re the one who should think twice, Jongho,” Hongjoong hissed as he tips the gun away from his face with his. “We have an audience.”
My heart exploded then and there when Hongjoong’s eyes met mine. He was smirking, but there was a hint of regret in his eyes, something he didn’t hide. How did he know I was here? Had he known I was eavesdropping all this time? It was as if he wanted me to hear everything.
Jongho visibly stiffened before he turned to also look at me with disbelieving eyes. I couldn’t help the tears that threatened to fall from my eyes - he looked utterly defeated and devastated at the sight of me. It was the face of a man whose whole world was falling right before his very eyes.
There was only one expression I could give him - fear.
“Blossom,” Jongho croaked as he dropped his gun, as if it disgusted him, but we both knew it didn’t. “I can explain…”
Before I knew it, I was running away from the scene - away from Jongho - like if I pretended that I wasn’t there, then surely none of those happened. I ran as fast as I with my wobbling legs as I heard the back door swing open and slam close, signaling that Jongho was here.
I felt like free falling, what had my beloved become? Who was this criminal living with me? What had he dragged me into now that there was someone like Hongjoong who knew I existed and how important I was to Jongho? I was no fool, despite my emotions, I knew what their conversation insinuated.
And then the regret came. If I had held onto Jongho a little tighter five years ago, would he be the same person I once knew? If I had just searched for him a little harder back then, would I have pulled him away from this darkness that clouded him?
It hurt seeing the love of my life transform into something I knew he wasn’t.
I screamed bloody murder when I felt a hand hold my arm like a vice, refusing to let go. “Y/N, look at me,” he demanded with the same authoritative voice he used outside. When he saw the fear in my eyes, he softened.
“No, Jongho, get away from me!” I cried out as I tried to pull my arm away, but it only resulted in him holding them tighter. “Jongho!”
“No,” he growled. “We’re going to talk---Y/N!”
Somehow, through pure adrenaline, I was able to twist my arm free from him to quickly enter my room and lock the door shut. My heart was about to fly out of my ribcage with the emotions I was feeling and I didn’t even know which one to acknowledge first.
“Y/N! Open the fucking door!” Jongho shouted as he violently rammed on the door like it was a punching bag. “You better not let me catch you once I break this fucking door! Open it!”
I broke down sobbing as all the energy left my body. I sank down by the corner of my room, burying my face in my knees while I covered my ears with both my hands to block out Jongho’s violent rage outside the door. Each bang had me jumping out of my skin, the terrifying sound rattling my head.
This wasn’t my Jongho, I kept chanting to myself like a crazed person, but I can’t deny it any longer.
I knew this wasn't him the moment he stepped inside the house. He was different - he was angrier, more temperamental, soulless - and all this time, I kept making excuses for him, but I can’t anymore.
I screamed in terror when the doorknob was kicked with force and Jongho used that opportunity to slam the door open. When he tried to march towards me, I screamed again as I backed away.
“Don’t come near me!” I sobbed pitifully, my shaking legs almost giving out from the weight of my emotions.
Jongho looked devastated. He kept reaching out to me but all I did was back away and shout at him. “Please, love, please,” his voice cracked. “I’m not going to hurt you, please don’t look at me like that…”
“Like what?” I glared at him as I felt my blood pressure rise to a dangerous level. Something in him snapped with how mad I sounded.
"Like I'm vile," he spat, his glare leveling mine. "Like I'm a monster. You don't know anything, so quit it."
I scoffed loudly. It ticked him off but I didn't stop. I feel like I was slowly losing myself to this massive disconnect from reality. I am losing my mind.
"Does the man become the monster, or the monster become man?" Uncontrollable tears were now falling from my eyes. Something snapped and all I saw was red.
But I wasn't the only one. "Yeah, you think you're smart?" Jongho laughed out loud like the maniac he had become in my eyes. It was the type that seeped through my bones. "You want to know what I did? You really want to know?"
Without breaking eye contact, he pulled out the same gun I saw earlier and he disassembled it right in front of me. He wasn't gentle with it either, he was rough; deliberate. I nearly jumped out of my skin when he slammed the remnants of it by the bedside table I had.
"I've used this far too many times that I can remember," he hissed. "You think that this is some sort of game that I can just pause just because this life isn't going according to what you want right now? You think that this world revolves around you?"
He spat on the ground as I felt the sinews of my heart break. "Did you honestly think I was that same man you knew before, Y/N? Did you honestly think that we could ever go back to being the same?"
"You said it yourself, didn't you?" I snapped. "There was nothing left to take---"
"So hate me for the things I've done!" Jongho raised his voice before he rubbed his face, frenzied. "But not for what I've now become."
I was at a loss for words, taken aback with how frantic we both had become in each other's presence. "We're basically strangers now," I gritted my teeth. "You have no right to talk about this like you're the victim!"
Jongho's face melted into something of concern when he realized that my sanity was slowly slipping away from me. I laughed, and then I laughed some more, and then I cried. I cried so hard even Jongho was surprised at all the hurt I was holding in.
"Everybody kept telling me to move on, to find someone else when they see how lonely I've become," I took a deep breath, but all that did was strengthen my resolve to break something. "They don't get it, I physically, mentally cannot move on."
"I gave you five years to do it," Jongho said as if it was so simple. Everything stopped all at once, except for the
That did it. I screamed, that spiral within me surging my voice to let out all the pain, the anger, the melancholy. The need to hit and destroy something became so overwhelming and worst of all, I had no idea how to let it all out.
"I hate you!" I wailed as I swiped everything I saw - glass, paper, furniture - anything. Jongho tried to go to me but all I did was hit him in the chest. "I hate you! You don't know, Choi Jongho, I was driven to madness with denial, you make me fucking sick!"
He narrowly avoided me as I tried to lunge at him. "Stop this!" Jongho hissed. I can feel the anger in me start to form. All the denial, the hate, was overtaking me.
I tried to thrash away in panic when I felt Jongho's hands steady me, the remorse and sorrow evident on his face, because he knows - he knows that he did this to me. He drove me to my insanity.
"Shh, baby, please," Jongho shushed as he tried to hold me, but my adrenaline was stronger than the both of us. "It's okay, shh, I'm sorry, I'm here now---"
"No!" I shrieked, my throat not being able to take it. I punched, kicked, scratched at anything, my vision was black. "You killed what was left of the good in me! Let me go!"
"I got you, my love, I got you," Jongho hushed me like I was a child that needed comfort and reaffirmation. "Just like that, let it out on me..."
My screams were muffled when Jongho brought me to his chest. He held my arms behind me for good measure and it was when everything came crashing down. I sobbed pitifully in the arms of the very man I swore to love and hate for as long as I lived.
"You're doing good, baby, let it out," Jongho rubbed all over my back. "Everything's going to be okay..."
"Jongho, please," I begged as he kissed the top of my head over and over again. "I'm so exhausted, please let me be broken..."
"How?" he whispered. "You're not broken, stop saying that."
I couldn't feel my body when Jongho laid me down on the bed. All I did was stare at the ceiling while he leaned his head on my chest. He stayed like that for a while, unmoving.
"Stay here," he murmured. I saw his misty eyes when I got up, but he tried his very best to hide it from me. Was he crying for me or was it for the burden I caused him?
I laid there for what felt like forever, the dissociation of my body from my conscious mind weighing heavily in my mind. Everything hurts - my body, my heart, my soul, Jongho. Shame trickled but I couldn't seem to care right now. I had just temporarily lost my mind on Jongho, how was I supposed to look him in the eye again?
All the things I've said, I can't take them back. Not that I would, everything I said was the God-honest truth.
So hate me for the things I've done, but not for what I've now become.
But I could never, ever hate him. It was such a sad way to live, because I knew I'd still love him from the bottom of my heart even if he's worse than a monster. I would take all of him and more, I would give him all of me just so he can always have more backups in case he ever felt empty.
I would kill for him. That's how much I loved him.
"I'm going to bathe you," he said rather than ask when he came back. "We can either do it here so you wouldn't have to walk, or we can go to the bathroom."
I stopped the urge to smile. Leave it to this man to still stay sane and rational even after a horrible mental crisis. I shook my head, indicating that I had no interest in walking, and he took that queue to start undressing me.
There was nothing malicious about it as he stripped me naked. He was deadest focused on soothing me and making me feel better by using the basin and damp cloth on my body. But why did it make me feel worse?
"Was it something I did?" I whispered. I was treading on dangerous waters here. "Was it my fault that you left me?"
While I knew I didn't influence Jongho directly on his decisions, I can't help but believe that everything was my fault as to why he'd turn into the darker side of life. "Where did I go wrong?"
He paused from dabbing the cloth on my chest. I didn't realize how close he was until he looked me straight in the eye. "Is that how you see it?" he asked, his breath fanning my lips as he tucked a stray hair from my face. "You think that this was your fault?"
Fresh set of tears flowed down my eyes, but instead of anger, they were from the loss of out blossoming love. "If not me, then who?" I smiled through them. "C-Can you tell me if there was something that I needed to change in myself back then?"
It stung to ask it, but I had to. Grief passed through Jongho's eyes as he completely stopped what he was doing. It made my heart ache because I've never seen him look this sad before. He set down the cloth back in the basin and he got into the bed beside me.
He grabbed my chin to make me look at him. "I hate that it seemed you were never enough," he pursed his lips. "Nothing I can do will ever put all your tears back in your eyes, but I can assure you, you were perfect."
In that split second before his touch, every nerve in my body and brain was awakened. It's the anticipation of being together in a way that's more than words - in a way that's so completely tangible. The tension was palpable.
"Then tell me all the things that you regret," I coaxed with gentle persuasion as his hand traveled all over my naked body. He hissed, like he was now just realizing that I was in my naked glory right in front of him.
Jongho shook his head. "The regrets are useless in my mind," he murmured, his breathing laboured. "But if I must confess, you never left my damn mind for five years. I never hated that I needed you."
"And if I'm being honest," Jongho leaned in to give my shoulders sweet kisses. "I'm not over you. Never will be."
I tried to cover my modesty by putting my arms on my chest, not that he hasn't seen anything before. He grabbed my hand firmly and set it down. "Don't," he warned.
The way he stared at me had me mesmerized. I've seen this look, but I never noticed how intense they were. His eyes could burn me down, and it was everything I ever needed and wanted. but at the same time, it was the sanest out of all the madness and possessiveness he held.
Jongho was my drug, I realized. I was instantly intoxicated. "You're going to break me," I blurted out before I could stop myself.
Jongho's arms wrapped around my back and in one touch, everything was over. "Then I'm going to make sure I break you in the best way possible."
Our bodies still fit together even after all these years; our lips molded with each other. I was never meant to win - I need him but if I give in, then I lose everything. But losing everything seemed so little in comparison.
I feel his hand wrap around my hair and tug it lightly and it makes me sigh a little in between our kisses. "I love the little sounds you make," he murmured as he tugged my hair harder. He tugged it so hard, my head fell backwards.
"Jongho," I groaned at the inexplicable pleasure the pain brought.
My hands tightened their grip on his shirt as his hands traveled everywhere, each touch igniting a fire that cannot be extinguished. "You've always been mine," I felt his hand move from my cheeks to my mouth. "Even if you were with someone else, you were still mine. Tell me, did you let anyone touch you?"
I was at a loss for words. His thick, veiny hands suddenly wrapped itself around my throat, his eyes were cold as his gaze remained determined. I squeaked when Jongho tightened the choke. The pleasure was insurmountable. We've never had it rough during our time together and the very thought of happening now made my stomach churn in excitement.
"No," I breathed out. "Only you."
"That's right," he chuckled darkly. I let out a soft squeal when he licked a stripe on my exposed neck. "God knows what I'd do if I found out you did. Nobody touches my whore but me, yes?"
I felt a small tingle at the base of my spine and I let them spread all over my body. I bit my lip, highly turned on, and it didn't escape Jongho's attention. He smirked, a wicked look that overtook his soft features.
"Aw, is my little slut wet?" he mocked as his hand slowly went down and down. I whined when he stopped directly above my pubic area. He laughed when I tried to gyrate my hips up, but Jongho deliberately pushed me down. "Ah ah ah," he grinned sadistically. "You're not getting off unless I say so, got it?"
"Then what the hell are we doing this for?" I snapped.
The moment I said those, I instantly regretted it. His eyes widened at my defiance before he snapped out of it and roughly grabbed my cheeks and squeezed it. It whined because it hurt but it only encouraged him to squeeze even tighter.
”You misunderstand something,” he began. “I have no problem leaving you here dripping while you beg for your hole to get fucked, but let’s get one thing straight.”
His words sent a chill through me, and his voice was this smooth, dangerously low tone, but it was sharp and firm. “You’re mine. You know what that means? I get to do whatever I want with you. You just have to say ‘yes’.”
I know I shouldn’t as this was far from my personality, but I was to be a brat for him just to see how he’d discipline me. “Go fuck yourself,” I hissed.
He raised a brow, smirking at the game I was playing. He begins to pull me forward as his lips finally create their mark on my skin. And then, he bit my shoulders as hard as he could. Wetness rushed through my core at the intense pain, but when he didn’t let go, I screamed in protest.
"Say you're sorry," he murmurs softly. I feel the hairs at the back of my neck rise.
"I'm not saying sor--"
My voice is cut off as he shoves two fingers into my mouth. "If you’re not going to, then I’d rather you keep your mouth shut," he sneered in that condescending tone I know so well.
His thick wet fingers slid from my mouth when he saw me tremble. He effortlessly towered over me when he laid me down and for a second, his facade fell as his eyes searched mine for permission. Despite the haze, I smiled at him, and before I knew it, his lips were on mine.
It was more intense than when we made out before. It was raw and it left both of us breathless. It could have made tears in my eyes; I could tell he was pouring all the things he couldn’t tell me in this one single kiss. I mewled when I felt his roam all over me while our tongues were tangled in a fierce battle for dominance.
I felt his hand go lower and lower until I felt that telltale pleasure I’ve been craving for. “Mmm,” I let out a breathy moan when Jongho’s finger traced my slit. “P-Please…”
”Take it then,” he groaned when he put a finger inside. My fingers grip the sheets as every thrust of his finger made me moan louder and louder.
He didn’t stay long in there but he made up for it when he began to stroke my throbbing clit. His other hand made its way up one of my swollen nipples, flicking it the same time as he did down there made me almost come undone.
’”That’s enough,” he deadpanned as he suddenly stopped and then he pulled away.
”Jongho!” I whined in frustration, pressing my thighs together to find relief, but he grabbed them so I wouldn’t be able to do anything. The only sign that he was into this like I am was the big tent on his crotch.
I blushed profusely. Years and years of pent up sexual frustration was getting to me, and now that Jongho was right here in front of me watching me almost beg for his cock, the feeling was exhilarating.
“Come here,” he growled. I squealed when he suddenly spread my legs and got in between them.
It was embarrassing but I couldn’t even think of that because he suddenly buried his face in my pussy. He hooks my legs up his shoulders and the intensity of his tongue had me dizzy with pleasure. “Jongho—”
”Less talking, more moaning,” he demanded with a painful squeeze to my thighs.
I didn’t need to be told twice. Pleasure rips through me as he lapped on my cunt like he was a starved man. When I tried to wriggle away, he snaked his arms around my thighs, effectively locking me down into place. Suddenly, he slapped my ass, tongue still working on my clit.
“Fucking hell, Jongho, love,” a long moan came out from me when the sting of his slap added to my growing pleasure. He did it again, his palms smacking my behind so hard, I jut forward the bed. And he does it again, and again, and again. It left me a blubbering mess as I uttered his name like a prayer.
”You little slut,” he hissed. Slap. “Yes, take it.“ Slap. “Fuck, you look beautiful like this,” Slap. “Take it, take it.” Slap. “Fucking take it!”
”Jongho, please, please!” I cried in mixed pain and pleasure. I was pretty sure I’d bruise the next day because my skin felt very raw.
“Beg for it,” Jongho sucked and lapped my juices again. “Come on, Y/N, beg for it like the whore you are.”
”Please, please, please!” I sobbed, tears falling from my eyes. He groaned at my pitiful state. “Make me come, please! I really, really love you, please!”
I screamed when he inserted two fingers inside me and began sliding them in and out, the wet sounds of my pussy rivaling how loud my moans were. “That’s what I want to fucking hear,” he chuckled darkly. “Say it again. Look at me when you say it.”
I arched my back involuntarily as I chased that high Jongho was willing to give me. His fingers pistoned in and out and I rocked my hips against him to meet his thrusts. “I love you, Jongho, I love you,” I choked out. I was overstimulated, the line between pleasure and pain blurring out.
He goes faster, if it is possible. My moans were desperate, I couldn’t take it anymore. “Then come,” he demanded. “If you really love me, then fucking come for me.”
The force of my orgasm had me reeling with a loud scream. It had me seeing white for the first time in a while as my back arched into an angle where it would have been unnatural had it not been for the quivering climax Jongho's fingers subjected me into.
He leaned in and gave me sweet kisses all over my face. "You okay, love?" Jongho murmured softly. I wrapped my arms around his neck and nodded. "Good. Because now I need my fill."
It took me a minute to recover and my eyes widened at his crudeness. He smiles sadistically. "I don't care if you can't take it. I'm going to fuck you anyway."
I whimpered in response, my entire body flushing with heat as my pussy clenched onto nothing. I could not believe that I was getting off to Jongho being this dominant and rough. It certainly scratched that itch I've been trying to relieve for a while now.
I did not want to just have sex, I needed to get fucked.
"I can see it in your eyes, you know?" he chuckled as he slowly undressed himself. My mouth ran dry when I finally got a glimpse of his body - he was huge. That included his cock. "You need to be taken, pounded like the fucktoy you are."
He grabbed my hair and aligned my mouth to his throbbing erection. "Suck," he demanded. He didn't wait for me to accommodate him, he just straight up thrusted in my mouth until he bottomed out.
I gagged but he didn't stop right there. My muffled chokes spurred him on, my eyes started to water as tears rolled down my cheeks and saliva mixed with his salty precum started to drip to my chin. He groaned, low and breathy, picking up a good angle as his balls started to slap against my chin.
"You dirty little whore," he growled, gripping my hair tightly. "You love choking on my cock, don't you?"
I whispered a sound of agreement, because he was right. I did love it. Suddenly, he pulled out from me. I tried to breathe, but clearly, Jongho had other plans. He got on top of me and aligned his shaft to my entrance.
“Ready?” Jongho bit his lip when I nodded. We both let out a groan when he finally entered me, bottoming out in one go. “I missed this,” he thrusts once. “I can’t believe I lasted this long without this cunt.”
"P-Please move,” I moaned. “I need to feel you—”
I began to spiral at the intimacy and at how hard he was thrusting into me. The feel of him stretching my already abused pussy was what got me. His instantaneous domination towards me as he plunged deeper and deeper inside me almost tipped me to the very edge of that white chasm I’ve been craving to fall into.
“Fuck, baby, you’re fucking killing me like this,” he hissed when I squeezed my cunt on his cock. “You like my cock filling you up?”
It didn't take long before I was squealing with wild abandon and trembling with how rough he was being. It was filthy fucking; the only sounds in the room were skins slapping against each and other the bed creaking. He looked down at his cock sliding in and out of my dripping cunt and I could tell the sight pushed him over the edge.
"Jongho, fuck! Yes, fuck me harder,” I sobbed.
"Shut the fuck up,” he sneered. He fucked harder anyway and I gasped when he wraps his hands on my neck. “You do not tell me what to do, yeah?”
His hand squeezed my throat, his grip strengthening, but he really wasn't really choking me yet. It was more like holding me in my place. His eyes widened and I closed my eyes in shame when we both felt my pussy gush. “Holy hell,” he grinned. “Didn’t know you liked that.”
“Only when you do it,” I moaned.
At first, the sensation was ecstatic, but when Jongho actually started getting carried away, I tried to pull at his elbow. I didn’t want to come yet, so I tried again, but Jongho didn’t budge. “Take your hand off or I will actually choke you,” he threatened.
I bit back a whimper but I obeyed anyway. “J-Jongie, if you k-keep doing it, g-gonna come…”
“Hold it. I haven’t allowed you yet,” he leaned forward until his face was inches from mine. “You are going to obey. Not because I forced you, not because of any punishment, not because you need to, and not even because you want to.”
His lips claim mine in a stormy kiss. “You are going to do it because you are mine. Clear?”
I moaned, my lips pressed firm against his. Without breaking the kiss, Jongho reached around my waist, lowering it until he reached my ass. He pulled me closer and the angle of him pressing my ass up to meet his thrusts made him groan into my mouth erotically.
My hands weren't idle, reaching around him, one sliding to his head and running through his hair, and the other feeling the muscles in his back. I dug my nails onto his back when his cock touched my cervix and he growled against my skin.
“Do it again,” he groaned. I did as told and I scratched his back and dug my nails as hard as I could. “Fuck, Y/N, fuck!”
That did it for me. His high pitched moans always had me reeling, especially now that I felt the familiar tickle of another orgasm threatening to rip onto me and Jongho’s thrusts were getting sloppier as he chased his own high.
"Look at me real quick," he urged. I did as told. "I love you, Y/N. More than you’ll ever know," he whispered as he tucked the stray hairs away from my eyes. "No matter what happens, I will always love you."
The desperation in his eyes scared me a bit. I blinked back the sudden sting of my tears as my emotions drove me greater heights of pleasure. Those three words were what I longed to hear all these years. “You’re not going to leave?” I choked.
”Love, that broken bridge was repaired a month prior, and I’m still here,” he gulped. “You can come now, give it to me.”
I came on command. It was the most intense orgasm Jongho had ever delivered to me. I twisted and writhed underneath him as his thrusts began to speed up with his own orgasm.
He ignored my shrieks of overstimulation as he fucked me harder and harder. His thrusts were becoming more and more erratic, and with trembling hands, I reached down and massaged his balls. With one hard thrust and a loud roar, Jongho came inside me, splattering my walls with his cum.
Between ragged breaths, the both of us slowly came down from our euphoric high. "Was I too rough on you?" Jongho asked softly. Long gone was the sex demon. "Are you hurt?"
"No," I mumbled under my breath. "A bit sore since it's been a while. You were perfect."
"Mmm," he hummed in response. I gasped a bit when he suddenly stood up and began to carry me. "Let's get you cleaned up," was all he said before he started walking to the bathroom.
I was so out of it that the next thing I knew was that we were both soaking in the bathtub, just enjoying each other's presence. I have never felt so peaceful in my life until now.
"Do you want me to wash your hair?" he thoughtfully asked.
"No, not now," I shook my head. "Just relax with me, are you okay with that?"
He hummed again. This was how he was, he never really talked a lot, and I was perfectly fine with it. I sat perfectly still in between Jongho's legs, leaning my head back on his chest as he played with my hair.
"You know what my biggest fears were during the five years we were apart?" Jongho suddenly said out of the blue just when I was about to fall asleep.
"No," I frowned. I was under the assumption that he was too preoccupied to focus on my memory back then. "What were they?"
"That I'll only remember your face, but not your name," he kissed my temple and his lips lingered there. "That I'd forget you, but not the time we spent."
𝐎𝐂𝐓𝐎𝐁𝐄𝐑 𝟏𝟏, 𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟏
We fell in love in September. It was as if no time had passed between the two of us and we resumed that flame that once burned for our love.
"Smile," I urged him as I raised the camera so I could take an updated selfie of the two of us.
At first, he rolled his eyes at my antics, but he smiled anyway and leaned closer to me. "Happy?" Jongho flicked my nose playfully. "You owe me something."
I giggled and I leaned forward to kiss him on the cheek but my eyes widened when he suddenly turned so our lips met instead. I felt him smile through the kiss and I knew he wanted to make out but I was laughing too much to continue.
His love was so warm and call me corny, but everything he did was so cute to me and I just wanted to explode.
He was my home. I have never felt more alive than when I was with Jongho. I know what love feels like - it feels beautiful, but it also hurts like nothing else. I suppose this 'true love', we always endured despite everything.
He was becoming less and less tense, something I never thought ever since he lost his temper back then when that man - Hongjoong - came around to visit. I wasn't dumb, I knew Jongho was doing something shady, but I digress.
At this point, I don't want to know what Jongho has been doing in his spare time the last five years. Whatever it was, I can live not knowing what happened so long as Jongho stays with me like this for the rest of our days.
He may not be the Jongho I once and loved, but I was willing to love this new version of him even more.
"Why don't you get ready? Wear your best dress," he said when we broke apart. "Let's go out for dinner. My treat."
"You always treat me," I frowned. "Let's split."
"Would that make you feel better?" he wondered. "I don't believe in that stereotype, blossom. I just want food."
I laughed, but nodded anyway. "It would. You're my boyfriend, Jongho, not my bank account."
"It really isn't like that, but whatever you say," he shrugged. "How long will you take?"
I told him thirty minutes, but unfortunately, when he saw me in this black bodycon dress I purchased years ago, we got a bit frisky and let it out of our systems before we actually went out and drove.
"We're going to be late at our reservation, Jongie. Seriously?" I frowned as I hurried to do my makeup quickly using the side mirror of the car.
He scoffed after he parked. "Oh, please. You love my cum---"
"Anyway," I hissed, to which he laughed out loud. "Let's go, sex always makes me hungry."
"Well, I already had my fill," he shrugged. I stared at him, flabbergasted because there were people around us and they most definitely heard what he insinuated.
Jongho took me to the local steakhouse where Mingi worked part-time as a waiter. He was unimpressed as he begrudgingly trudged towards our table. "It's going to be chilly soon, you guys want to go inside?" Mingi offered.
"I've been cooped up in the house, fresh air is nice," I smiled as I gestured at the outdoor tables.
"What would you guys have?" Mingi asked in his professional mode. Jongho was about to speak when got cut off. "I wasn't asking you," he hissed.
"Song Mingi," I frowned. "Be nice."
"Let him," Jongho smirked as he chewed on the free bread given to us. "He was about to just leave, weren't you, Mingi?"
Mingi rolled his eyes but left anyway along with our order. I frowned when Jongho reached out for my hand across the table. "Did you really have to be like that to him?" I asked.
"No," he replied. "But I wanted to anyway."
"Choi Jongho!" I was slightly appalled. All Jongho did was stare blankly at me. Without breaking eye contact, he sensually kissed my palm. I reddened automatically.
"L/N Y/N," he teased playfully, taking great pleasure at my shyness.
"Come on, can't you be serious for once?" I pouted.
"I am being serious," he laughed, his beautiful smile filling in his precious face.
I stared at him, unimpressed. "Are you jealous of my closeness to Mingi?"
"Yes," he immediately answered. "A thousand percent."
My eyes widened in mild surprise. Something that never, ever changed in him was his jealousy. I wasn't expecting him to actually admit to it straight up because back then, he always denied being jealous.
"My baby bear, you know there's no point in feeling this way," I sighed, wrapping my hand in his. "You're the only one for me."
"It better stay that way," he smirked. He sat straighter to look at me, but then his smile dropped off a bit.
I didn't think of it at first, but then I gasped when his hold on my hand became tighter. I bit my lip, slightly ashamed that I was getting turned on by his light aggression. I waited for him to say something, but he stayed still in his seat.
I thought he was messing with me. I mean, the way he was staring at me could have melted me faster than the sun. It was intense, and if I'm being honest, it instilled fear in me.
"Jongho?" I called out softly when I realized that he wasn't going to say something. His eyes narrow down into dangerous slits. "You're scaring me..."
His grip on my hand tightens with a force. It wasn't enough to hurt, but it was enough for me to worry. My eyes widened at the gesture, and when I took a closer look at him, I realized that he wasn't directing his stare at me, but behind me.
Had he seen something, or worse, someone that made him so tense? I was genuinely concerned now, Jongho only acted like this whenever I tried to pry about his departure five years ago. I straightened up, maybe this was related to it?
"Do you trust me?" Jongho stopped me from looking behind me. I nodded, albeit hesitantly. His next words made me freeze.
"Then whatever happens, do not turn around. Act normal."
I tried my best to mask the fear that was overriding my body right now; the panic that scattered my brain. The hairs at the back of my neck suddenly rose, and I couldn't help but feel that someone was watching us from behind me. Or was that the paranoia talking?
Jongho suddenly motioned for me. "Pretend that you're going to give me a kiss," he ordered. When he saw my rigidness, his glare softened. "Please do as I say," he whispered, desperation evident in his voice.
"Jongho, what's going on?" My voice was shaky.
"I have no fucking time for this," he hissed, eyes widening in surging panic. "You either do it now, or we both die."
My breathing was erratic and the thumping of my heart was escalating. All the while, I thought that whatever Jongho was hiding from me was never going to hunt us down, or at least, not for a while. Suddenly, Hongjoong and Jongho's conversation floated in my head.
"You know they're just going to find you, correct?"
"Of course, I do. You play me for a fool."
"That's all I know. I won't tell anyone you're here, but if I were you, I would do something about it."
I thought wrong. With a deep breath, I stood up and leaned my head towards Jongho, as if I really was just going for an innocent kiss.
"Stay still," he whispered when I got close enough. My breath hitched when Jongho drew his gun and it dawned on me that he basically used me as a shield so whoever was watching couldn't see.
"Remember what I told you that night?" Jongho asked when I sat back down. I gulped and nodded, my eyes still staring at the concealed weapon that he hid in his inner pocket. "Answer me."
"Yes, I-I remember," I stammered, rubbing my hands together to stop them from shaking so much. "I'm scared..."
He told me he will always love me no matter what happened, how could I forget? His eyes softened. "On the count of three," he began. "Get up, run, and never look back."
My heart exploded then and there. "What? No!" I winced when he attempted to shush me. "I am not leaving you, Jongho, please!"
Jongho's brows furrowed and he opened his mouth to say something but he froze when he realized that Mingi was approaching us with our ordered food. He cursed under his breath and tried to signal Mingi to stop walking.
Mingi, though visibly confused, does stop walking. But it was a mistake on Jongho's end, because whoever was watching had caught on.
"Get down, get down!" Jongho yelled when the first shot rang from a distance. My gasp was cut off from Jongho grabbing my arm painfully and dragging me down with him under the table.
Screams erupted from all over as the other patrons who came to eat had panicked all around us. Mingi dropped the food, startled, and immediately came running to me. "You both okay?" he asked when he ducked down along with us.
His eyes widened when he saw Jongho holding a pistol and then narrowed into slits. "What the hell have you gotten yourself into?" Mingi growled in annoyance.
"No time to explain," Jongho looked left and right, up and down, to check for more gunmen. He turned to Mingi hurriedly. "This table," he tapped it with his gun. "Let's use this as a barricade."
Both of them wasted no time quickly grabbing the heavy wooden table we were supposed to eat on and pushing it down. I tried to help by kicking the chairs away from us. I got startled onto ducking back down when more shots were fired in the air.
"Fucking hell," Jongho cursed out loud, jutting the arm that held the gun and aimed at that distance with precision. Mingi and I looked at each with worry and we both turned our eyes on Jongho's murderous form.
"Where's the quickest exit?" Jongho recoiled his pistol and bullet shells fell on the ground. Shivers travelled through my spine at how experienced Jongho seemed at doing gunfights.
Mingi pointed quickly to a door that was near us. Jongho cursed loudly, it wasn't difficult to go to the door, but we would be exposed to the dangers of getting shot.
I flinched when another shot rang into the air and then screamed when a bullet landed inches away from where we were.
"On my count, both of you will run as fast as you both can to the door. I'll follow after," Jongho ordered both of us. But Mingi wasn't having it.
"Are you kidding me?" he gritted his teeth. "Whoever's out there will shoot us down!"
"And you'd rather we get shot here?" Jongho retorted back, rage etched on his face. It made him look terrifying, like I didn't know him to begin with.
Mingi raised his arm to try and push some sense into Jongho, but the latter put his gun up and pointed the barrel directly in between the former's brows. Mingi froze in his place. "I need her out of here," Jongho took one good look at me before glaring again at Mingi. "I won't hesitate to shoot you if it means getting your ass up to move."
"Fuck you," Mingi spat venomously at him.
Jongho pulled the safety lever and positioned his finger in the trigger and Mingi visibly flinched. My jaw dropped and I called out for him to stop, but he ignored me. "I'm not playing with you, Song Mingi," he growls, his voice low and dangerous. "Do it."
"Just calm down, okay?" Mingi nervously laughed. Jongho cocks his head in my direction and Mingi gets moving. I was terrified - I could tell Jongho wasn't joking; he will shoot Mingi.
He positioned me in front of him and lowered my head down so my whole body was completely hidden. "Ready?" Mingi asked me softly.
Tears started to blur my vision. Tonight was supposed to be a good time, but alas, nothing really lasts forever - even guilty pleasures.
Jongho started the countdown, and the moment he said three, me and Mingi started running as fast as we could.
I yelped when I heard Jongho fire another shot in the air. I made the mistake of looking back and I almost stuttered in my steps when I saw two masked men running faster and faster in our directions while their big rifles were pointed at us.
My stomach started to churn along with the burn of my running legs - people want Jongho dead. And Jongho want these people dead. A question kept lingering in my mind, how many has he killed? How long has he been doing this?
"Hurry!" Mingi's deep, booming voice screamed for Jongho, his arms motioning for Jongho to move faster when the both of us went through the exit door.
Jongho moved with deadly purpose. Little by little, my heart shattered as I watched him shoot two shots and hit someone square in the chest with his bullets. Mingi's hold on the door loosened as he watched the bloodbath along with me.
He was so close to the door too, all he had to do was sprint and Mingi would be able to close the door so the people firing at us wouldn't be able to enter the parking lot.
I slowly realized that the man I loved was killing people left and right like it was nothing to him. It made me sick to my stomach, but what got me was the fact that my love for him never lessened even one bit. Even if he killed twice the amount, I'd still love him. It was sickening.
"Close the fucking door and go!" Jongho screamed at us as he unloaded more bullets at anyone he saw fit to shoot. He made eye contact with me, and for a split second, there was a flash of pain, but it was gone before he could shoot one more time.
"I hate you, Jongho, but I don't want you to die," Mingi snapped. "So get in here before I actually close this door on you!
It all happened in a matter of seconds. It seemed to snap Jongho into moving towards us, and so he started to run. The moment his foot stepped past the door, Mingi shut the door firmly and the three of us started running.
"You okay, love?" Jongho quickly grabbed me and kissed my head as we sprinted towards no direction in mind.
I nodded, the fear clear as day in my eyes. It hurt to see Jongho's resignation as he put the gun away back in his holster, something I didn't even notice when we left the house.
"We can't use my car," Jongho sighed loudly in irritation. "They know what it looks like."
"Let's use mine then," Mingi began to run in the opposite direction of where we started from and Jongho and I had no choice but to follow him.
The aftermath was anticlimactic. Jongho directed Mingi to drive around in circles so we wouldn't have a tail, but we quickly went right back in track when we realized that we weren't even followed out. They both argued about what had just happened and in normal circumstances, I would have been happy about it. They were both like this even back in high school.
When Mingi dropped both of us at my house, I opted to enter first because those two were still fighting and I could hear them from the inside. I had no choice but to just watch from the window.
"You son of a bitch, what kind of trouble did you bring back to town?" Mingi shouted aggressively.
"Watch your fucking mouth," I heard Jongho hiss.
"Or what?" Mingi taunted, using one hand to viciously push Jongho around. "You're gonna shoot me?"
Jongho hissed in pain, clutching his arm where he had been pushed. Mingi gasped out so loud, it caught me off guard. His whole hand was red and covered in blood.
"Jongho?" Mingi worriedly went to him and quickly grabbed his arm. "You're bleeding---"
My world shattered right then and there and I blanked out as I hurriedly ran towards Jongho and stared at his bleeding arm. "Y-You were shot?" I squeaked in fear when I realized that his whole jacket was soaked wet with blood.
"Get out of here, Mingi," Jongho groaned in pain, making both me and the taller man panic. "In case they find us here, I can only protect one of you..."
Mingi hesitated, regret filling his entire face, but he knew Jongho was right. After quickly saying goodbye and informing us that he'll stay with Wooyoung for now, he drove off away from the house and hopefully away from trouble.
"Don't cry, my pretty love," Jongho chuckled when we finally relaxed and sat on the couch. "It was a graze, nothing to worry about..."
"Nothing to worry about?" Angry tears started to fall from my eyes. "Jongho, you scared the living hell out of me!"
Now that all of the adrenaline has worn off, my chest exploded and tears just started flowing out of me. I didn't want to cry, I wasn't the type to cry at anything in general, but I couldn't stop the overwhelming emotions that overtook all my senses.
"Nothing to be scared of, see?" Jongho tried to cheer me up when he took his jacket off and showed me that indeed, it was just a graze, but it didn't stop me from paling at the sight of his wound.
I blinked the remaining tears away, though at this point I wasn't sure where it was coming from - anxiety, exhaustion, or paranoia. It could be anything. I quickly got to work on the first aid kit and started patching him up.
"Are you ever going to tell me?" I sniffled as I wrapped the gauze all over his bulky arms. "That was an experience, Jongho, don't you think I deserve to know?"
Jongho flexed his arms before he lifted me up and sat me on his lap. He buried his head on my shoulders. "I'm sorry," his muffled voice said. "But I can't."
I sighed deeply, not at all surprised at his response. What he failed to understand was that I don't care about what he did, I just wanted to know if it was going to happen again. "You know I'm willing to endure everything for you?"
Jongho froze. He slowly lifted his head up to meet my eyes. There was an expression I thought I'd never, ever see in those beautiful eyes - fear.
His brows raised at the statement though, eyes roaming all over my face to search for any lies. "Yeah?"
I nodded, leaning down to give his lips a quick peck. "I mean it, Jongho. You could destroy this entire planet and I'd still stick by you."
His grip on my waist tightened and I thought it was because he was grateful for my words, but when Jongho's eyes hardened to a steely resolve, I started to panic. He was staring at me with this deep, unsettling eyes that I couldn't tell if it was awe, sadness, or anger.
"D-Did I say anything wrong?"
"No," he shook his head, his knuckles softly grazing my cheeks. "I just never realized how far I'd go to keep you safe."
I swallowed a lump in my throat. "Come on," I urged him to get up. "Let's go rest. It's been a long night."
Sleeping would prove to be difficult tonight. I had a lot of things to think about, but so did Jongho. The only difference was he had a lot of things that kept him awake at night and he was currently the reason why I couldn't sleep tonight.
"Y/N?" Jongho called out of the blue as we both laid down in the darkness. I hummed a response. "If I hadn't knocked on your door a couple of months ago, would you have already moved on from me by now?"
His question caught me completely off guard. "Probably not," I answered him truthfully. "You?"
"Ten years would have passed and I'd still love you the same, if not more," he whispered. "Have you ever hated me?"
"Absolutely," I replied without missing a beat. "I went mad being in love with you. I lost myself loving you and to this day, there are still parts of me I can never get back again."
Jongho heaved a weighted sigh. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be. You did what you felt was right, and I was well within my rights to bear whatever made me feel right."
"Right. Why didn't you give out your heart again?"
I couldn't help but chuckle without humour. "It's not that. I don't want to trust my heart to anyone. Why are you asking these anyway?"
"No reason," Jongho yawned. "I was just curious."
I didn't reply. I had a terrible feeling that sank in my stomach, but I decided to ignore it for now. Maybe it was just the adrenaline rush of it all, being in a near death situation puts your mind in dangerous places.
Moments later, Jongho’s breathing evened out and that’s how I knew he was already sleeping. I watched him sleep for a little, he looked so peaceful, as if he wasn’t the man who used a gun so flawlessly, you’d think he was in an action movie of some sorts. He was a ghost of the man I used to know.
It was the worst sleep of my life. It wasn’t even this bad when I was heartbroken when he left. All the events of what happened tonight kept replaying in my head and I kept waking up in a cold sweat. I would go back to sleep and then wake up again. It was such a vicious cycle.
“Is everything okay, blossom?” Jongho asked me the next day when he noticed me spacing out in our living room.
"Huh? Oh, yes. Everything's okay," I lied through my teeth.
I couldn't possibly tell him that I was apprehensive about something that I couldn't put my finger on. There was this feeling in my gut, and there was another in my heart and they were both so contradictory that I didn't know which one to believe in right now.
My gut said that something was wrong, but my heart was telling me to trust Jongho a little more this time.
"Are you sure?" Jongho hugged me from behind and kissed my shoulders. He pointed at the purse I was holding. "Going out?"
"The grocery store. I want to make dinner for you since we couldn't enjoy last night," I turned around and looped my arms around his neck and pressed a chaste kiss on his lips. "Happy Birthday, my love."
He smirked. "You remembered?"
"Of course I did. I celebrated it every year even after you left," I admitted, shame suddenly creeping up on me.
His eyes softened and he grabbed my face and gave it little peppered kisses. "I love you," he whispered. "More than you will ever understand."
He pulled me into a hug. It was the tightest hug I've ever received from him. "For as long as we both exist in this life, I am all yours," he breathed me in. "I will always go to you. If I can't walk, I will crawl. If they take my sight, I'd give up my eyes to see you one more time. No matter how broken I am, I will never stop fighting for you..."
He kissed my forehead tenderly. "You're my everything."
Tears began to prick at the back of my eyes. "Is everything okay?" I frowned. "You're freaking me out."
"No. Just wanted to let you know how I felt for you," he chuckled. He urged me to the door. "Run along to the groceries, love. Wouldn't want to miss that dinner for anything else."
I shrugged and went out the door to hurry up and get going, but not before looking back, only to see Jongho already staring at me. For a moment, we just stared at each other. Something wasn't sitting right with +me.
He mouthed for me to go with a small smile and an even smaller wave of his hand. The further I walked away, it was as if Jongho's was also slowly slipping away from me.
I couldn't concentrate on shopping. The goal was to get some stuff for Jongho's birthday, yet every time I stopped in an aisle, I would pause and space out, only for me to forget what I was in there for. The process would repeat and I was losing my mind.
On the other hand, his declaration of love for me made my heart extremely warm. He wasn't one to confess his feelings like that, and so was I. I was so lost inside my head, when I looked down on my cart, there was barely enough stuff in it.
I spaced out so bad that I didn't notice that I bumped onto someone. "I'm sor---Sannie?"
"I've been trying to get your attention for a while now," San frowned. I remembered that he had a shift today. "Are you okay? You look ill."
"I-I don't know," I admitted. "I don't feel so good."
San held my arm and I leaned onto him for support. "Want me to call Wooyoung to take you home?" San offered. "Where's Jongho?"
Something clicked in me at the mention of Jongho's name. I began to pull away from San. "I-I need to go," I murmured before making a run towards the door, not caring if San screamed for my name or the other shoppers looking at me like I just lost my mind.
I ran like hell, tears starting to form in my eyes. That confession meant something. I could hardly breathe, my chest filling with that dread I felt five years ago as my legs started to carry me back to my house. I didn't even realize that I was already crying, salty tears trailed to my mouth as I ran even faster.
I had to pause in my driveway to catch my breath. What would have taken me fifteen minutes of leisure running from the store back here only took me seven minutes in my panic. As I approached the front door, I felt lightheaded from the lack of air in my lungs, my hands were shaking terribly as I pushed the door open.
"Jongho?" I called out. My vision was still blurry with tears, but I was sure Jongho wasn't in my line of sight? "Jongho?!"
The house felt eerie. Not even an hour ago, Jongho and I were here just confessing our love to one another. "Jongho!" I called out louder, kicking the door down to his room in my desperation.
There was no answer, and there was no Jongho.
"Jongho, please," I was sobbing now. "This isn't funny, Jongho!"
I looked all over the house, even though at the back of my head, I knew my love wasn't here anymore. I went back to his room, horrified to find that his clothes were all gone. "J-Jongho," my voice rasped as I ran through every corner of my house, hoping that all of this was a sick joke.
I broke down, my legs wobbling until I crumpled on the floor, and I cried my eyes out. Jongho was gone, and this time, I knew for a fact that he wasn't coming back.
A part of me was hoping that he would come back after a day or two, after all, he did come back to me after five years. But I knew better - that declaration earlier sounded final. I couldn't stop picturing his face when he told me he loved me, I couldn't stop hearing his voice, and that just made me cry even harder than before.
Deep, gut-wrenching sobs and wails slipped past my lips and I buried my face in my hands in a sorry attempt to conceal the harsh sounds of my cries, but it was useless. My heart was so broken, there was a gaping hole in my chest where it used to be.
The force of my own sobs were straining my head and neck, but I couldn't seem to stop. I knew this day would come eventually, that Jongho would one day leave, but I thought we had it so good that he's changed his mind.
And I knew he changed his mind. He wasn't going to leave me anymore. So where was he?
I heard the front door creak open and the gasp that followed at my devastated, crumpled form on the floor. I felt someone kneel next to me, their own sobs filling the room as they tried to help me sit up. At first, my heart had hope, but from the touch, I could instantly tell who it was, and it wasn't Jongho.
"Babe, what's going on?" Wooyoung's panicked voice asked me hurriedly. He was openly sobbing with me. "San called me in hysteria earlier. Come here, oh my God..."
He quickly pulled me into his arms and I fell onto him instantly, burying my face in his chest and clutching shirt as I bawled helplessly. Wooyoung's body was shaking against mine as I felt his own tears fall on my hair. I have never, ever cried like this in front of anyone, and I can tell it was stressing Wooyoung out.
"Just let it out, shh," he hushed me, rocking back and forth to help soothe me, but the only person who could successfully soothe me had left.
"W-Woo," I mewled. "J-Jongho..."
"Did he hurt you?" Wooyoung instantly snarled, ready to beat up the man that wasn't even here anymore.
"Here," I weakly pointed at the center of my chest. "My h-heart..."
I told him everything. From Hongjoong visiting Jongho randomly one night, the gunfight with Mingi - to which his eyes widened and he exclaimed that Mingi never told him, but he could tell the taller was anxious - all the way from today where San saw me spacing out.
"I am so, so sorry. Are you okay?" Wooyoung asked tentatively, worry in his eyes as he helped me to my room. I almost lost control of my emotions then and there.
"Sorry, Wooyoung. You guys are always there to catch me when I'm feeling down," I hiccupped as he wrapped a blanket all over my body to comfort me.
He kneeled in front of me and shook his head. "You're our best friend," he assured. "We're worried about you," he patted my thighs twice. "Let me just call San to tell him you're fine now, okay?"
I wanted to hate Jongho. All this sadness was turning into anger because it was easier to be mad at him than deal with all the grief and loss he bestowed on me. But I couldn't. I had fallen for him twice and it was difficult to ignore the loneliness that was creeping in my heart.
"Yeah, she's good," I heard Wooyoung from outside my door. "I'm more shaken up, you should've seen her, Sannie. She was so broken..."
I could hear San's worried voice from Wooyoung's phone as the former paced all over my house. Tears began to form in my eyes again, but I tried to stop them. I didn't want to worry anyone anymore.
"He left, yes, he did," Wooyoung gritted. "I knew that asshole was trouble, goddamn it, he should've just stayed where he was at---wait."
I frowned at Wooyoung's sudden pause. He began whispering onto the phone and I had to strain my ears to listen to what he was saying.
"...by the kitchen..." Wooyoung's voice trailed off.
I heard his footsteps get faster and faster and I realized that he was running. I was so confused, especially when I saw him approach me with a letter in his hand.
"I found this," he handed me the letter, not bearing to look me in the eye. "I think...I'll step out of the house for a bit while you read it."
I eyed the small piece of paper in my hand, not knowing what to do with it exactly. I know it's bad when Wooyoung has to step out. He had the most forlorn, lost, and broken look in his face and it made me so nervous. I wasn't stupid, I know Jongho left me another letter.
I slowly unfolded the paper, and I was correct. Jongho had this distinct penmanship - it was cursive, it was beautiful, and it was his. Tears flowed from my eyes and dripped onto the paper as I read, my hands shaking as I tried not to crumple the paper with how emotional I was being.
You will heal and you will learn how to live without me. Until then, I’m going to set things straight on my end and I will find you when time permits. My soul will find yours again.
𝐃𝐄𝐂𝐄𝐌𝐁𝐄𝐑 𝟏𝟓, 𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟏
The pain got worse as time went on. I had no idea how much time had passed, but I assumed it'd been a while.
I had no desire to do anything. My laundry was piled in one messy basket, my garden plants were all dead, any form of self care besides showering and brushing my teeth was beyond me. It wasn't a way to live, I was a shell of my former self.
Sleep wasn't better either. I hardly got enough hours every night. But by far the worst was my solitude. Being alone in my thoughts was such a dangerous thing.
There were multiple times where I wanted to end everything, but the fact that I wouldn't remember Jongho anymore stopped me. It was such a vicious cycle in my own head and I just want them to stop.
San would always get me my groceries for Wooyoung to cook and Mingi would always force me to eat something. The food was delicious, it was my stomach that was rejecting it because it would churn the moment anything went into it.
I was always worried for them because sometimes I'd hear one of them get emotional at my depressed state, so I knew I had to conquer my demons if I was to not make my friends worry, but how I was supposed to do that? I couldn't even go into Jongho's room without bawling my eyes out.
I wore a hoodie that Jongho left behind and laid myself down on his bed, something I've been doing to cope for the last couple of months. Tears automatically sprung in my eyes. Everything was always so warm in his clothes and on his bed, just like him.
What was worse was that I could still smell him like he was still here. It felt like a blow to my chest. His scent was so strong that I could have sworn he was still here. How long would it take for his presence to completely disappear? How long would it be until this room is nothing but a space full of unwanted memories?
A tear finally slipped down my cheeks. Jongho and I were talking a lot about our future and he always looked so alive whenever we did. I knew he was truly happy. Sometimes, I'd think I was dreaming because I still didn't want to let him go. We were through before we had truly begun.
Jongho told me that I had to live without him. How was I supposed to do that? This darkness always threatened to swallow me whole.
And so I cried. I cried for the love me and Jongho had always meant to have, but never will. I cried for Jongho and the path he took that overtook him. I cried for myself, most of all, because I knew that I was never going to be the same ever again.
As I was about to relapse into another mental breakdown, a loud knocking from my door interrupted me. I quickly wiped all of my tears away and hoped that my face wasn't swollen enough for Wooyoung to berate me, then cry with me.
"I'm coming," I grumbled loudly when more knocking ensued.
It was probably Mingi. I had a doorbell and he knew it, but he always thought of the stupidest things to try and get me up so I couldn't lay down in bed all day. It worked, but sometimes, it pissed me off to no end.
Imagine my surprise when I opened the door and saw that it was not, in fact, Mingi.
"L/N Y/N?" the random stranger asked. I nodded slowly, a little too depressed to even care and ask how this man knew my name and my address.
He wasn't a bad looking man, rather, he looked quite pleasant. He had the most intimidating persona I have ever seen, the aura and energy he gave out made me shrink from where I was standing. He wore this tight fitting business suit that reminded me of CEOs rather than businessmen.
"C-Can I help you, Sir?"
"It's more like me helping you instead of the other way around," the man gave me a wolfish grin. "We should talk inside."
I frowned, gripping the doorknob tightly and ready to slam it if this man tried something sketchy. Despite the haze of sadness, I was sentient enough to not let in random people, especially as arrogant as this one.
"You're going to want to hear me out," he tried to bargain. "It's about Jongho."
My expression must have been so crestfallen that the smirk that threatened to come out of him slowly disappeared the closer he stared at me. Despite myself, my bottom lip wobbled and I bit on it to stop it from doing it, but to no avail.
"Oh, Lord have mercy, he ruined you," the man sighed. "I give you my word that I am not going to hurt you in any sort of way, so please, let's talk inside."
I had nothing to lose because I had nothing to live for now, so I just let him in anyway. I was semi happy that he had the decency to remove his shoes and sat on my couch after I had sat on it. It was a basic form of respect.
"My name is Park Seonghwa and Jongho works under my department," the man started. "And I owe you an explanation."
I blinked at him multiple times. I don't know what I was expecting, and to be honest, I had no expectations, but I certainly was not expecting that.
"E-Excuse me?" I sputtered out. "Department?"
"Where's your television remote?" Seonghwa asked. I blankly pointed it at him and he clicked my TV open. "There's something I have to show you..."
He kept flipping through different channels until he found the one he was looking for. I was extremely confused, but I decided not to question it and just see what he wanted to show me. Something tells me that I wasn't going to like what I'm about to see.
It was some sort of press conference and it was live. There were reporters going absolutely crazy over a couple of people and guards trying to stop them from forming a horde. It was a hot mess. I side eyed Seonghwa and he was just staring blankly at the television, like he was already expecting things to happen.
Suddenly, the camera panned to a stage where a couple of people who wore suits and some people with handcuffs were getting swarmed by the crowd.
I knew what this was. It was the controversial fight between the Korean Force and the rising mafia family that orchestrated bank heists all over the city and a select few towns like where I was - like that bank Jongho used to work at.
At first I was still confused, that is, until I saw a familiar figure standing in the back. He was wearing a mask, but I knew it was him. My hands flew to my mouth before my eyes widened and more tears formed.
"I am Second Director Kang Yeosang, in charge of the capture of the most notorious group that has been running rampant in our city," a man spoke from the television.
"What is the meaning of this?" I gasped at Seonghwa. He didn't say anything and pointed at the television again.
"The credit goes to all our wonderful Agents who aided in their capture," the man gestured to where Jongho was. He looked so stiff, so rigid, but I knew he was the man I loved - the man who hurt me deeply.
The TV was suddenly turned off, but honestly, I couldn't bear to look at it for another second longer anyway, else I might break down completely, and I did not want to do that with a random stranger in my house.
“Do you have any idea as to why Jongho had to leave you all of a sudden five years ago?” Seonghwa asked me, his eyes showing genuine curiosity.
I gulped nervously. “Hell, if I knew,” I scoffed. Then, I realized something that made my heart drop. “Are you telling me that he left me for the mafia, or something?”
Seonghwa smirked. “Not quite. I would say he joined the group that stopped the mafia.”
No amount of self-control could have stopped me from the sheer surprise that crossed my face. “Impossible,” I shook my head in denial. “Jongho would never put himself in a position that purposely put his life in danger, let alone do something like that...”
“Are you sure about that?” Seonghwa crossed his arms. “I could tell you what happened, but do you want to hear it?”
No. Accepting what Seonghwa was saying means that I have to face the reality that Jongho really did choose to go his way and make his future without me, but not accepting it amps my fear for the truth. I nodded in resignation and Seonghwa began to talk.
“First of all, I would like you to know that Jongho joined us by method of force,” he said. “In fact, he wanted out so badly that he threatened us that he’ll bite his tongue. Literally.”
My heart dropped at the newly found information and my hands were already shaking, but I let him continue. “It was supposed to be a successful operation, we were tracking a series of money laundering crimes and we chose the bank that Jongho worked at as the place for our sting operation.”
“Long story short,” he continued. “Jongho saw something he wasn't supposed to. Did you know what his position was at the bank?”
“A t-teller,” I replied, my voice also shaking. I wanted to cry, Jongho had been carrying that burden all by himself.
“Right. Unfortunately, Jongho found out that we were having an operation that day. He suspected that something was wrong with the enemy’s bank information, so he started snooping and saw every illegal money deposit in it. We couldn't have that, it was either we killed him or he joined us.”
“What?” I couldn’t help but hiss at him. “It wasn’t his fault,” I snapped. “Your failure on your operation does not constitute an emergency on his part!”
All Seonghwa did was smirk at me and it pissed me off. I glared at him, but he just shrugged. “I’m not saying you’re wrong,” he stated. “In fact, I agree with you. I never wanted him, Jongho was just a boy.”
My face fell as I limply fell back on my seat, defeated and in disbelief. “I’m a failure,” I sarcastically laughed. “All this time I thought he left me because he didn’t want me as his partner anymore.”
“Not your fault,” Seonghwa sighed. “We were the ones who told him he had to leave you. It was either he told you, but then he’d have to take you, or keep you in the dark but you’ll be safe. Obviously, Jongho chose to keep you safe.”
I couldn’t stop all the tears that suddenly started to flow. It was both out of sadness and relief. After five long years, I now had the answers I’ve always wanted to desperately know.
But was it worth it?
“I wasn’t supposed to tell you any of this. My superiors don’t know I’m here,” Seonghwa said after he had waited for me to calm down and compose myself. I’ll give him that, I appreciated it. “Jongho loved you so, so much.”
I stared at him, waiting for him to continue. “Our training was in the United States, Lord knows how many times he got punished for trying to escape and come back here in Korea,” he chuckled. “You know, I grew to care for that kid. I owe this to him after years and years of denying him any contact with you.”
Jongho wanted to contact me all these years? I had to bite my thumb to stop myself from shedding more tears, but Seonghwa grabbed my sleeves to stop me from hurting myself further.
“That capture on the television, that was his doing. What would have usually taken ten years of a normal agent, Jongho cut in half all because he wanted to see you again.”
“Hongjoong told me you saw them talking that night?” Seonghwa asked. I nodded in conformation. “He didn’t mean any harm. Jongho wasn’t supposed to be here, let alone disappear for a couple of months. We covered for him, but it was only a matter of time until our higher ups found out.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat. All these years I was wallowing myself in pity and Jongho had been suffering overseas because of something that wasn’t even his fault. All this time, this was what Jongho had been hiding.
”What was he doing here in the first place then?”
“He wanted to see you one more time before he went into hiding so we could erase all his ties to the CIA, so I allowed him. Imagine my surprise when he didn’t come back anymore. Hongjoong had barely found this place.”
I remember that day like it just happened. I will never forget the day I started being alive again when he showed up at my door. The storm had been an excuse after all, and that bridge falling over wasn’t part of his plans. It was no wonder he was extremely angry when it broke.
”And the shooting a couple of months back?” I asked. I didn’t even need to elaborate, his face already showed that he knew what I was talking about.
He shook his head. “That was the mafia set to eliminate Jongho.”
My blood ran cold. That meant that we were that close to actually losing our lives. My face fell, that almost meant that Jongho left me for the second time for the same reason he had the first time - to protect me.
Seonghwa patted my shoulders. “I’m sorry you had to find out this way,” he spoke silently. “It’s almost over, he’ll be back.”
I froze, craning my head in his direction, my breath hard and laboured. “Y-You mean that?”
He nodded. “You have my word. And I’ve never gone back on my word before.”
Hours after Seonghwa had said his goodbye and left, I still stayed unmoved from my spot, unwilling to get up just yet for fear that everything I just found out, I’d suddenly forget. I stared at the card that he had left on the table that contained his contact number, not knowing what to do with it exactly.
One good thing that came out of there was that the heavy weight that loomed over my shoulders was suddenly lifted and the relief it brought had made it easier for me to finally breathe.
I have everything I would wish for right now. All these years, I thought I was looking for happiness or the will to move on, but all this time, relief has always been the one I was after - it was what finally set me free.
I closed my eyes, I can almost picture Jongho’s smile when he looked at me for the last time before he went his way.
Life was so cruel, wasn't it? Fate had allowed me and Jongho to meet and fall in love again and gave me a taste of what it would have been like had he not left, only for the same fate to yank it all away.
What’s worse was that I would do it all over again, even when I knew that our love would end as a tragedy. I would give everything just to feel his warmth, even if it’s only a second. I would endure anything.
Suddenly, Jongho’s absence didn’t feel so heavy after all. For the first time in a while, there was a small smile on my face.
𝐍𝐎𝐕𝐄𝐌𝐁𝐄𝐑 𝟗, 𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟒
The arches of my brows creased as I glanced up to the bright, blue sky. The tip of my nose was red, but it was okay.
My hands can't seem to feel themselves as I walk out. It wasn't even that bad, I thought, before I left my rented studio apartment without bringing my trusty wool coat. By the time I realized that the wind had picked up, it was already too late to turn back and grab it.
I can almost taste the bitter cold hitting my skin, but I was happy anyway. Autumn was my favourite season, I love the colours and the cozy pumpkin spice flavoured things, and most of all, it was also Jongho’s favourite season.
It’s been three years since that fateful day. I slowly got over the pain, but I never forgot what it felt like. I still had that note he gave me, I could never throw it away even if I wanted to.
I couldn't forget him, if I tried.
I did, however, decide to move away from South Korea all the way to the other side of the world in France. I couldn't bear to stay in the house where all the four corners had Jongho in it, so I decided to sell it. I made the impulse to apply for corporate work, courtesy of Choi San, and so far, Marseille has been nice to me.
And speaking of San, he took that giant leap and found love. The only thing surprising about it was that it was in Song Mingi. It wasn't because of anything bad, it was because I never even noticed the tension between them. I may or may not have cried at their obvious happiness.
Wooyoung was the only one who came with me to my journey in another country. For a while, we both lived together in my apartment here, but he got addicted to the feeling of traveling and now, he's been painting the town red somewhere in Italy.
I've never seen or heard from Jongho ever again. He hasn't contacted me whatsoever. The constant visits from Seonghwa doesn't really count, though I have grown a somewhat decent relationship with him and found out he was actually a nice man.
He hasn't found me and to be quite honest, I quit searching for him after a while. It was eating away at my life and it wasn't a healthy way for me to cope at his loss. I just hope he found somewhere safe to settle where the mafia couldn't reach or hurt him.
"Ticket for one?" the attendant from the museum entrance kindly asked me.
"Yes, please. Thank you," I smiled back. Today, I decided to treat myself to a day off by going to this local museum I've been eyeing for a while.
"Do you wish to get upgraded for the fair in the back?" they asked me after handing in my ticket.
I tilted my head in confusion. "Fair?"
"Ah, there is a local fair that comes here every year. The museum decided to collaborate this year to garner more people to come."
It was an easy yes for me. I haven't been to fairs in a while and I remembered loving them as a kid. It almost denied it though, all my memories of me going to one had all been with Jongho. He loved Ferris Wheels the most.
As I admired the museum collection, I couldn't help but rejoice because of how much I've grown into myself. Moving was definitely difficult at first, but I've managed to wiggle my way to success, or at least, my definition of success. Slowly, I began to put Jongho at the back of my mind.
I suddenly remembered what Jongho said to me three years ago about his fear.
That I'll only remember your face, but not your name. That I'd forget you, but not the time we spent.
I chuckled. What a terrible lie that had been on his end. There was no way I was forgetting him in any way, shape, or form.
There wasn't much in the museum, it was quite small, so I went straight to the fair and I was pleasantly surprised because it resembled a carnival more than anything. There was the usual fair food and the carnival-esque rides, like roller coasters and adult carousels.
But most of all, the biggest Ferris Wheels I have ever seen in my life was right here. I smiled, I will definitely have to come back to that.
It was great, as expected for fairs. The food was absolutely fantastic, and I have a thing for their huge cotton candies. I knew then and there that I made the correct decision to go here for my day off.
"Excuse me? Is this seat taken?"
I was so lost in my thoughts that I was a bit startled when a masculine voice sounded to my side. I turned my head and I swear my heart dropped to my foot instantly.
"N-No," I stammered, redness spreading all over my face. "Y-You can t-take it if you want."
The man smirked and took the seat anyway. I didn't say a word - I couldn't - but neither did he. Rather, we basked in the sun that was shining directly to where we were both seated even though it was cold.
He was absolutely gorgeous. I have never, ever seen a man so stunning that it rendered me speechless for a bit. His brown cashmere coat perfectly complemented his physique. His cropped out hair fitted him well, and the way he carried himself was what was interesting to me.
His eyes were something else. There was a swirling mixture of amber as the tiniest bit of sun hit him made it very mesmerizing to stare at.
And those same pair of eyes were now staring at my very own.
I was shocked. I felt the shame slowly creep in and my face turn the reddest it has ever been in my life. I looked away clearly flustered and looked down on the forgotten sweetness of the cotton candy I hadn't touched again since this man sat down next to me.
Darn it, darn him for giving me the subtlest smirk as I looked away. From my peripheral vision, I can see him still looking at me, unblinking. I got so conscious that I didn't realize that I was holding my breath steadily.
I definitely looked like I was creeping on him. I almost hit myself in frustration. This is what happens when you're touch starved from a man for so long. I should have smiled back at him, I mean I still could given the fact that I can feel the hairs on my arms stand up in attention to his still unrelenting stare at me.
"How are you liking the carnival?" he had asked.
His voice was calming and it had automatically brought a sense of peace in me. I almost chastised myself, there was no need to be on edge. After all, I was here to relax, not to be awkward with the people I encounter.
"It's good," I shrugged. "I kind of wish it wasn't as cold as it was today. You? What brings you here?"
It was his turn to shrug. "Just to relax. I need to unwind after my work and all. It's stressful, you know?"
I nodded, surprising the need to smile. "Oh? What do you do?"
He chuckled, putting his hands in his pockets, his form also visibly relaxing. "Nothing interesting. There's just a lot of paperwork involved in it, that's all."
"I see," I murmured, trying to avoid eye contact all over.
I'm not sure when the tension started. Perhaps it was a subliminal thing. Or maybe, it was the physical proximity. Despite the cold weather, I could feel the smoldering heat from where he sat. He's been pretty respectful of the distance though, aside from the occasional stare he would point at me, but so far, I don't mind it.
"You don't look like you're from here," I pointed out, trying to start up a conversation. "What brings you to France?"
He hummed before responding. "I'm trying to find my purpose. I lost it a couple of years ago and now I'm intent on getting that back in my life," the man gazed at me meaningfully. "Sometimes you don't know what you have before it's all gone."
I gave him a tight smile. "And this," I waved my hand around. "Purpose, so to speak, how important is it to you?"
"Everything," he replied so fast it actually scared me a bit. He was looking at me dead in the eye too. "It means everything to me. I...made a lot of mistakes in my past, but now I'm here to make up for all of those."
I stared at him for a couple of minutes and he held eye contact with me, unblinking and unmoving. Was this my sign to move on from the past?
"Well, I wish you all the luck," I told him sincerely. "I suppose I can relate. I put my life on halt a couple of years ago, myself. My purpose had left me."
The man frowned and then sighed wistfully. "And how did that make you feel?"
It was a question I wasn't expecting. Suddenly, it was just the two of us, the carnival fading onto the background. "I was devastated," I admitted truthfully. "But not anymore. I know my purpose will always find me wherever I go."
There was a pleasant surprise on the man's face before he broke out into the most painfully beautiful smile I had ever seen. "I'm sure this world has been dying to give you your purpose back."
I went rigid at his statement. This world had been the one that orchestrated me and Jongho's end. It let me love and be loved again in return, and that same blessing turned out to be my biggest curse. I was this close to having it all, and now, I just stood still on the ashes of all my memories.
"Did I say something wrong? I apologize," he frowned.
I waved my hand. "No, you didn't. I, uh, just remembered something very unpleasant on my end."
He hesitantly held his hand out for me and motioned for me to grab it. "It's a beautiful day today," he mused out. "Would you like to ride that thing with me?"
He pointed at the big 'ol Ferris Wheel that was situated at the end of the fair, though it wouldn't have mattered. It was big enough for everybody to see. The way he smiled at me was of unbridled confidence and I can tell then and there, that he doesn't know how to lose.
"Let's," I smiled brightly and held his hand with the perfect squeeze and prolonged eye contact.
I could tell that it caught him off guard, but it didn't stop him from squeezing my hand back and leading me towards the line so we could get on the ride.
"Mind if I do this?" he asked, hesitantly putting his arms across my shoulder.
I shook my head. "Not at all."
My heart flipped incessantly in my chest when I felt him squeeze my shoulder once before pulling me plush on his chest. I blushed profusely, I can smell his cologne. It was fresh with hints of something citrusy, and by God, I couldn't help but close my eyes.
"Getting comfortable there, aren't we?" I could hear the smirk in his voice when I leaned my head against his shoulders.
I looked up at him with a playful smile. "Would you like me to stop?"
"No," he replied instantaneously. It was my turn to smirk at him.
It was pretty uneventful afterwards, and the next thing I knew, we were sitting across each other inside the little passenger cabin, or whatever that was called, and up we went really, really slowly, but surely.
The view from up here provided a perspective that only something from this afar would provide. It makes me realize that we are nothing but specks in this world, and our problems are usually so small compared to what everyone else has.
"The last time I was here was with someone really dear to me," he suddenly began to speak as he stared at the view with me.
I squirmed in my seat, but I forced myself to look at him. "I'm sure they loved it here as much as you did," I said. "Do you miss them?"
"There has never been a day where I didn't," he said, melancholy seeping in his voice and in my heart. He crossed his arms and heaved a sigh. "What about you?" He gave me a pointed look. "Have you ever been in love before?"
"Of course I have," I whispered, my voice thick and raw in the empty cabin we were in. "He had some things to finish, things that didn't involve me. Sometimes I think he already forgot me."
"What makes you think that?"
I smiled morosely at him. He was looking at me like I just tore my heart from my chest and presented it to him on a silver platter. "It's just my heart yearning for him," I shrugged. "I will forever treasure the rare love we both had, keep it as long as I live."
I lifted my head and looked him in the eye. "Even after everything, he was still the greatest thing that has ever happened to me."
"And what of you?" I asked when I saw that he wasn't going to say anything. "Have you ever been in love?"
He began to chuckle darkly, until he was fully laughing like I just said the most outrageous thing ever known to mankind. "The question is, when have I ever not loved you?"
He was done playing this little game and so was I. All I could do was stare at Jongho, I couldn’t afford to be surprised when he suddenly sat with me earlier because we were in public, but now that it was just us, I couldn’t help all the hurt that suddenly came crashing down on me.
But I wasn’t the only one. Jongho was struggling to contain himself, his breathing was laboured and any attempt to control his stance was long gone. “For three damn years,” Jongho chuckled bitterly. “All I ever wanted was you.“
I felt heat surge in my blood. “You were the one who left me,” I muttered. “You gave me misery I don’t want my enemies to feel.”
I almost didn’t want to forgive him. I could feel my bottom lip tremble so I bit it. I was terrified that if I let go, the dam would burst. Jongho heaved a shaky sigh, his eyes looking at me with such longing that I almost felt bad.
“I’m sorry,” his voice was thick with emotion. “I am so, so sorry, Y/N. I’m so tired.”
His voice cracked towards the end and I put my knuckles in my mouth to prevent myself from crying. How could I get mad at him? None of it was his fault, everything he did, both the good and the bad, all of it was to keep me safe from something he didn’t even want nor could control.
“You were my lifeline, whether you knew it or not,” Jongho began. “I’ve done a lot of stuff, things I had to do, and were forced upon me, but whenever I’d think of you, everything seemed to be alright, and whenever I was this close to losing myself, your image in my head always put me back on solid ground.”
“So please,” Jongho was shaking, trembling, as he put his hands up together like he was praying. "I'm begging you, Y/N, please have me. I’m so exhausted of not having you with me, I can’t take it anymore.”
I have never seen him this desperate before, or was I only seeing what I wanted to? Upon closer inspection, underneath all his handsome features was a man who lost his mind so long ago. His eyes were sunken, lips chapped, skin pale.
I’d made up my mind. I’d always viewed his love as something celestial, and he always made me feel divine. Despite all that happened, his eyes still held that gentleness I loved him for. He was my sweet summer sun, I could lay with him and always feel his warmth.
“I can’t survive without you anymore, blossom, I’m at my limit,” Jongho’s eyes reddened with emotions. “You don’t have to love me back like you used to and you don’t have to belong to me, but please, let me be yours.”
My heart began to beat so fast, I was scared that it was going to pop out of my chest and I wouldn't have time to catch it
He held my hand and held it tight. “Director Jeong and Director Kang were pleased at my work, and they gave me a lot of payment for it. It’s also for the life they stole from me,” he swallowed tentatively. “We’re set for life.”
I was hesitant, but he wasn’t done. “I bought a house for us and our future family, if you’ll have me. I know you sold the old house,” he said, his first tear falling on my hands. “My dreams are so small, but it looks much bigger when I picture you with me.”
That did it for me, and then I was hysterically crying. My emotions were all over the place, at first, it was my grief. It felt so strong that I couldn't help but drown in it. I haven't cried in a while - years even. The familiarity of my tears comforted me in a messed up way.
I felt myself being pulled on a firm chest. "It's okay, love, hush now, you're okay," he rubbed my back soothingly. "I'm here now, I'm not leaving you ever again..."
"What took you so long?" I sobbed pitifully, hiccupping at every syllable. I thumped my fists on his chest. "Goddamn it, Jongho, stop doing this to me, my heart can only take so much---"
I was hastily pulled onto the best kiss of my life. We were so rough about it too, I could feel both of our teeth clash onto each other because of how much we wanted to breathe each other in, but I didn't care. These were three years of longing, yearning for each other as our tongues danced with each other in a battle for dominance.
I could feel his tears mesh with mine and eventually we broke our kiss. "It's over, love, it's over," Jongho's hands were shaking so badly when he leaned his forehead with mine as he cupped my face. "I'm out of the CIA, I'm sorry it took me three years, but I had to make sure nothing will separate us again."
I could feel the waves of my grief lessen as Jongho kept whispering sweet nothings in my ear, and they slowly ebb into relief as my chest gets flooded with overwhelming love for this man.
"Don't cry, my love, I'm here now," Jongho whispered as he wiped my tears with his thumbs. He gave me the sweetest kiss on the tip of my nose. "I'm not going anywhere this time."
I couldn't help but giggle. "You promise?" I sniffled loudly. "I-I can't do this again, Jongho. I'm going to die this time if you leave me again."
"I'm never letting you go," he smiled tightly. He pointed outside the cabin. "Look."
I stared in awe. We were at the highest point of the Ferris Wheel and the colourful sun was beginning to set.
I buried myself onto his chest and he envelops me in a hug. "We made it," I murmured. He hummed. "I love you so much, Jongho."
I felt butterflies rush into my tummy, as if this was our first time all over again. He brought his lips closer to my ear. "I love you, too."
"How did you know I was here?" I couldn't help but wonder. "How did you find me?"
His embrace tightened and I couldn't help the sigh of relief that escaped me. If someone had told me days ago that I would be this happy, I would have laughed at their faces.
I never thought this day would come, and I'm not sure what the future holds, but I have a feeling that today marks the start of me and Jongho's happily ever after.
"I told you, didn't I?" Jongho smiled, grabbing my hand and planting a tender kiss on it. "My soul will always find yours."
going from makeshift chemistry to this was kind of a lot😭
but LORDDD do i love this so much🥲 when reader snapped nd went crazy it felt so raw and ugh
i was super excited when i checked ur profile and seen a jongho fic hehe had me giggling and kicking my feet and shit like i was so excited to read this and i'm so glad i did 😭 thank u for ur dark but beautifully written works i CANNOT wait to see what more u post 🤭
► 𝙿𝚊𝚒𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚐 - obsessive!mafia!Seonghwa x fem!reader◄
► 𝙶𝚎𝚗𝚛𝚎/𝙰𝚄 - mafia au, yandere trope, power imbalance, suspense, thriller, crime, Seonghwa is extremely !obsessed and !possessive, dark romance, depictions of Seonghwa's slow descend to madness, so he's kinda !psychotic, true insanity (like, I made him pretty mentally deranged here), kidnapping, imprisonment, escape from captivity, toxic form of love, emotional and mental torment, restraint (via handcuffs), forced love, angst, plot twist (stay away from the comments to avoid spoilers!) ◄
► 𝚁𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚗𝚐/𝚆𝚊𝚛𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐 - PG-18+ so MDNI!!!, murder and extreme violence (semi-graphic) but not towards reader, drugged (non-graphic), consensual-hate sex, dom!Hwa, but whiny!Hwa, mommy kink, hard-fast-rough, standing sex, handjob, degradation, gunplay, fear play, oral, cum eating, missionary, overstimulation, multiple orgasms, forced orgasms (on Seonghwa's end), multiple creampies, baby trapping implications, no protection (DO NOT DO THIS!!!!), just super kinky lol◄
► 𝚆𝚘𝚛𝚍 𝙲𝚘𝚞𝚗𝚝 - 28.7K words (this had to be this long sorry) ◄
► 𝚂𝚢𝚗𝚘𝚙𝚜𝚒𝚜 - You loved Park Seonghwa, until you found out that he was a Mafia Lord, and you didn't want to get involved, so you left him. But Seonghwa wasn't going to let you go that easily, because his unhealthy obsession with you knew no bounds. Soon enough, this obsession is marked by violence and manipulation when he kidnaps and imprisons you just so you could love him back. You barely escape with your life, but what about the feelings in your heart that were trapping you? How were you supposed to love Seonghwa when he’s slowly losing his mind and sanity in the guise of loving you too much? ◄
► 𝙽𝚘𝚝𝚎𝚜 - PLEASE READ AT YOUR DISCRETION. There will be extreme instances of how mental instability affects love, and Y/N isn't clean. Do not read if you're uncomfortable, it's not mandatory even if you enjoy my work. Prioritize your mental stability, and I'll see you in my next work. If you do choose to read it, enjoy! Fic inspired by Chappell Roan's Coffee.◄
► 𝚃𝚊𝚐𝚕𝚒𝚜𝚝 - @0rangemilk @ginger-mingi @ruubyrubes @oddracha @jaytheatiny @roxannecos @juicy-red @cheolliehugs @sunnysidesins @jjongbearshoney @midnightrebel1028 @xomakara @lovetaroandtaemin◄
‘Coffee?'
-Park Seonghwa
You bit your lip apprehensively, the phone in your hands almost slipping with how lax your grip on it had become. What was once your lifeline to the world - the window to what was beyond your walls - was now the bane of your existence.
A loud shrill cuts you off of your thoughts. The phone was now ringing. You practically jumped out of your skin at the sound, and in a panic, you unwittingly pressed the red button.
"Fuck," you hissed, not fully intending to reject the call. Well, not entirely, anyway. You didn't mean to immediately do it, your nerves always failed you at the last minute.
You were back to biting your bottom lip, but this time, you bit on them with twice the anxiety and twice the strength since they were actively bleeding out in between your teeth. You jumped out once more when your phone dinged.
‘Do not ignore me. Get dressed. We’re getting coffee.’
-Park Seonghwa
Ignoring his incessant calls and messages shouldn't have been this difficult and stressful. You could feel your sanity slowly slipping away from you every single time you'd leave another text from Seonghwa unanswered.
This prick, you thought, gritting your teeth so hard, the grating sound of it made your head hurt. You haphazardly threw your phone on your desk, not caring if it gets smashed or not. It would be better if it did, honestly. That way, you’d have no contact with him left, and his control over you would vanish.
And in that way, you wouldn’t be tempted to see him over and over again.
It wasn’t a fault of his own sometimes. There was always this urge in you to see how he was, what he’s doing, and if he was the same man you left a couple of months ago.
You bit your lip, looking down on your outfit. It was a simple white button-up shirt, some jeans, and a pair of heels. It wasn’t a choice of yours, either; Seonghwa loved elegance. He would make you change, anyway, and waste your time.
You’ll meet up with him one more time, and tell him that it would be the last time. You’ll meet up with him one more time, and tell yourself that it would be the last time.
The cafe was empty when you got there, unsurprisingly. You scoffed as you sat down, it was such a Seonghwa thing to do. A barista even escorted you to your seat, it was slightly embarrassing. This was a cafe, for God’s sake, not a fine dining restaurant. You shook your head as you knew this was one of his games. He loved seeing you embarrass yourself, especially since he was the one embarrassing you because even in that aspect, he wanted control over you.
God forbid someone else did it for you, however. They’d be dead by deadlight. You swallowed those thoughts away, they weren’t metaphorical at all.
Seconds passed by, minutes ticked by, and almost an hour into arriving, Seonghwa still hadn’t shown himself. You gave the poor barista a nervous smile of your own, but inside, you were seething. You tentatively looked outside from the glass walls, you knew he was here. You could feel it.
And yet, he was nowhere to be seen at the same time. You began to feel uncomfortable, tugging at your collar, playing with your nails, sighing every five minutes, the likes. But the worst part of it was that you knew he was enjoying this. He got off on your discomfort.
You wouldn’t be surprised if he was hiding in plain sight, his eyes never leaving yours as he savoured all the most miniscule of your expressions that told him exactly what you were thinking without him even opening his mouth to ask you.
Just as you were about to stand up and leave, the door opened, a light trinkle resounding from the charm attached on top of it to signify someone’s entrance. He did this all the time - reel you back in when you’re about to pull away. You hated it, mostly because you let him treat you like this.
Two men entered first, both of which you are very familiar with. They greeted you with a subtle nod of their head, avoiding eye contact, before choosing to sit in the farthest part of the quaint café.
And there he was in all his majestic glory. His strides were sure, eyes trained on you like a hawk, pausing to tilt his head at you as if he was examining you, but you knew better - he was challenging you to move.
That was how Park Seonghwa - he demanded attention. The way he would swallow the entire room with just his shadow, alone, never failed to stun you into silence. He was a siren’s song, beckoning anyone around him to look and listen with just one word from his mouth. Hell, most of the time, he didn’t even have to say anything.
But the siren’s song was just that; a siren. A subtle smirk graces upon his lips, and the next thing you knew, he was making his way to you. You watched his hands pull the chair in front of you, those sinful hands once held you, bought you comfort as they caressed you. Now, all they did was strangle you into suffocating, squeezing your soul, stealing your essence drop by drop.
“I don’t think meeting out here is wise, Mr. Park,” you said, cutting straight to the point. It was more so for yourself, the longer you stayed with him, the weaker your resolve gets.
You refused to break eye contact with him, and perhaps, that was the worst part of all of this. He was still breathtaking. That face once made you kneel, and it still can.
“Seonghwa, my love,” he corrected, tutting at you like he was endearingly scolding you. It made you sick. “You know my name, why won’t you say it?”
You bit your lip as you weighed your options down. There was always that choice to disobey him, it wasn’t difficult, but the mafia lord had never made anything easy for you. “I don’t think meeting out here is wise, Seonghwa.”
You watched as his bottom lip quivered, the way he attempted to hold his grin was nothing new to you. He loved it when you played his little games, he was more than pleased with it. Seonghwa raised his hand, snapping it to signal the nervous barista who was just waiting.
“Nothing has ever been wiser,” he replied, staring the barista down as they shakily placed Seonghwa’s coffee in front of him as well as yours, except that you got a strawberry shortcake on the side, your favourite.
You didn’t have any appetite, and he knew it, you never did every time you went out to meet him, yet he didn’t care. You mustered up the courage to ask him, anyway. “What is it that you want, Seonghwa?”
He watched you push your plate away with a small frown on his lips. “Why aren’t you wearing the ring I gave you?” Seonghwa questioned, ignoring yours.
“Why should I? I’m not yours,” you took a deep breath, whispering your next words. “Not anymore, at least.”
“Nonsense,” he brushed off, pausing to take a sip from his cup before looking you dead in the eye. “You were always mine. You just don’t want to accept it.”
Indeed, he was a siren. He never stopped until the words he sang rang true even though you both knew it wasn’t the case. Seonghwa was once your siren, and now you regret ever being enthralled by his songs.
“I want to see you wearing it the next time we go out,” he declared, referring to the ring. He paused, a thought crossing his mind. “Do you not like it, though? Is that why? Would you like me to get another one?”
You tried not to flinch when he held your hand, lifting it to give it a small kiss. It burned, yet you couldn’t pull away. “Such delicate fingers,” he chuckled. “No jewelry can compare to its beauty, my dove.”
“Seonghwa,” you sighed tiredly, pulling away. His words still affect you, it was hard not to let them get to you, but it has to stop.
“It’s fine,” he interjected. He poked his tongue on his inner cheek, displeased at how averse you were to his touch. “No spherical metal will bind you to me. We both know you’re mine, anyway.”
You sighed once more, this time, with a tremble. “There will be no next time,” you mumbled, clearing your throat from the nerves clogging it. “I came here to tell you that I-I can’t do this anymore with you, we have to stop meeting so we could both move on…”
It was the most difficult thing you had to say, minus when you told him you were leaving him, but you had to for your own sake. He didn’t say anything, his face had no emotion, except for his twitching left eye. You gulped, that was not a good sign. He did not like that at all.
No words were said for a while. You almost broke down and took it back, but no, it was better to end this now than suffer the consequences later, because you might not end up leaving him at all.
“It’s funny,” he began, voice leveled and calm. They were too calm. “Most people give out everything and anything just to have a five minute conversation with me.”
He took another sip of coffee, his long tongue darting out from his mouth slowly swiping his upper teeth as he looked on. “But you,” he continued. “You push me away when I make a point to crawl down to you unlike the others who have to climb up to me. You are a tough nut to crack, Y/N.”
You gripped the table in front of you, your knuckles pale and white. Anger rolled off of him like waves and for a second, you were terrified that he was going to explode on the spot. The way he uttered your name was a threat in itself. He sets the cup down without a sound, letting out a small chuckle.
“You’re hungry, aren’t you?” Seonghwa asked softly, all traces of anger gone from his tone. “Here, dove.”
You shut your eyes tight. His change in attitude scared you out of anything he has ever done, and Seonghwa was a violent man. Not towards you, never towards you, but he was a destructive person to be with. He was a psychopath.
“I-I don’t want to eat, I’m good,” you squeaked, shaking your head when he took a piece of the cake and tried to push the fork into your mouth to feed you.
“Come on, doveling, eat this. It’s very yummy,” he gently coaxed, pushing the fork slightly until it was touching your lips. “Say ah, baby, I’ll feed you,” he smiled.
It was a sweet gesture, and if the situation was different, you would’ve cooed at how cute Seonghwa looked. In your peripheral vision, even his bodyguards looked appalled at their mafia lord’s gesture. Seonghwa ruled everything, he owned this city, and everybody licked the soles of his shoes and worshiped the ground he walked on.
But here he was, feeding you with cake.
You turned your head again like a petulant child, refusing to eat anything that came from his hands. “I really don’t want to.”
He frowned. You watched as his hand started to shake, but you knew it wasn’t because he was tired of holding the fork up. “One bite? I know you’ll like it.”
“No, please—-“
“Open your fucking mouth.”
There it was. The way he demanded was anything but, his eyes were half-lidded with malice, the monotonous tone in which he spoke terrifying you more than if he raised his voice or grabbed your hair to force the cake down on your throat. His despondent stare penetrated through you, combusting your insides on the spot with how fiery it was. He was angry, you made him angry. Seonghwa cannot be angry.
You gulped, parting your lips slightly. It was all it took for him to forcefully part them with the fork and roughly shoved the cake in your mouth. You choked when the tip of the fork almost hit the back of your throat, coughing a bit before you decided to swallow. Tears collected on the sides of your eyes, but you forced yourself to smile and nod at him.
“You’re right,” you coughed again. “I-It’s yummy.”
His arm retracted, his eyes not once leaving your trembling form. “One more,” he ordered, tone clipped. It had a veil of threat looming over the words as they left his tongue.
You flinched when he cut another piece, the clank of the fork when it hit the plate, echoing in your head. It was reminiscent of what you hear in your head before Seonghwa’s patience snapped. He was a time-bomb; you never knew what made him tick, but you knew that he was destined to explode somehow.
He grabbed a napkin then wiped the sides of your lips. “You should be more careful, dove,” he chided, voice lowered, clouded with sinister intent. “Wouldn’t want you messy now, would we?”
You quickly shook your head in response. “That’s a good girl,” he smiled, his words kind and gentle as if nothing had happened, but you knew better. He lies through his teeth.
If you didn’t love him, it would have been fine.
The sigh that escaped his deceitful lips was long and slow as if his brain needed to process what just happened. The screeching sound of his chair hit your ears, and he was sitting beside you before you knew it.
“I sincerely apologize, doveling,” he whispered, his voice breaking and cracking halfway. He lifted a hand to touch you, only for the same hand to fall back down neatly on his lap. “I-I just missed you a lot.”
You felt your heart split in half inside your chest, you didn’t want him anymore, but it didn’t mean you liked seeing him like this. However, deep in your gut, you knew that something was inherently wrong. You just didn’t know what.
“Think about what I said, please,” you appealed, scooting your behind away from him to create a gap between the two of you. For a split second, his lip twitches.
He looks up at you, hurt coating his entire features. “I implore you to think about it. I don’t want to completely lose you,” he pleaded. He jutted his lips out, doing everything he can for you to look at him with pity.
You were weak. You were a weak, weak person. Seonghwa pulled you to him, enveloping his arms all over your form as your chin laid on top of his shoulder to hug him back. To your left, was the glass panel that separated the cafe from the outside. It reflected both you and Seonghwa’s embrace.
The hug looked serene, intimate, to the unassuming eye. Your heart dropped to your feet as you watched Seonghwa’s expression morph from loving, apologetic, and sincere, to something that can only be described as demonic and corrupted. His eyes grew wide with madness, rolling at the back of his head as he tried not to crush in his arms then and there, his lips stretched towards his ears like a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
“Are you going to force me to forgive you?” You asked, tears falling from your eyes before you could stop them. “Are you going to take me?”
He smirked, still looking forward, not knowing that you could see his expressions. “No, well, I could,” he whispered, biting his bottom lip to stop himself from cackling out loud at your stupidity. “But I won’t.”
You were a fool to believe that he would actually be sincere for once. This was his true colour. “You know me well enough where you know what my answer would be, and it’s no.”
It was terrifying how his expressions could change in the blink of an eye. His eyes slowly lost that mirth and instead dropped into the most dangerous glare, “So it seems,” he monotoned, grinding his teeth. “I won’t take you for myself by force, not until you want me to.”
Lies. Lies. Lies. Lies. Lies.
You need to get out of here. “And what if I never want you to? Tell me,” you breathed out.
Your heart leapt out of your chest when his eyes met yours through the reflection of the glass, the grin on his face expanding malevolently. He pulled away, making a point to demean you further by tapping your cheek.
“And so my manipulation tactics begin,” he smirked, his sharp jawline finding rest above his slender fingers. “Though I don’t think I have to make much effort, you seem to be doing most of the work for me, dove.”
It was true, he got you there. You didn’t have to show up, you didn’t have to answer to his every beck and call, and you didn’t have to stay and wait for him when he humiliated you earlier, but you were still here. Seonghwa wasn’t pointing a gun to your head.
Not yet, at least.
“You’re mine,” Seonghwa murmured. “The sooner you accept that, the sooner you’d feel better.”
“But for now,” he stood up, all the grace and elegance in his body oozing out of him. He moved so regal, you had no idea why he even liked you. He offers his hand out. “You should go home. I reckon this meeting took a toll on you.”
You refused his hand and he scoffed, and just like that, he left. Completely alone to your thoughts now, you couldn’t help but breathe out the air you didn’t realize you were holding.
It was that tense, things with Seonghwa were always very intense. He always invoked emotions out of you that you always kept buried inside you, yet you always came back for more. Again, the fault wasn’t fully his own.
You were the one who left him, yet you couldn’t fully leave him.
As usual, that night was spent with you just thinking about all the things that could’ve been with him. In the end, you weren’t strong enough to tell him that enough was enough with all these games you played with each other.
He resented you, you knew as much. Seonghwa was a very, very vindictive person - he wasn’t the type to ever let go once crossed. You just never thought that the day would come when all that resentment was directed towards you because he was playing with you, that you knew as much.
It took another two weeks before he contacted you again, and this time, he called you directly. You stared at the number on your phone. You had deleted his number, but that was pretty pointless because you memorized it by heart, anyway. “Hello?”
“Hello, love,” you could hear the smirk in his cocky tone. “Care to have another coffee with me?”
The automatic response you had in your head was, of course, no. Seonghwa was an asshole; he was manipulative, and he was arguably the most toxic person you’ve ever had the displeasure of meeting, but goddamn, does your heart always pull you towards him even when you try very hard to guard it.
“I don’t know,” you told him truthfully in the end even though his voice broke down your walls bit by bit. “I told you that we have to stop doing this, aren’t you sick of it?”
He doesn’t say anything for a moment. “You’re right,” he mumbled, surprising you with how genuinely amiable he sounded. “Coffee is overrated. Let’s go to dinner, instead. How about that Italian place downtown?”
You didn’t have high expectations, in fact, you had zero expectations, but you weren’t expecting that at all. “S-Seonghwa,” you sputtered. “T-That’s not what I mean.”
“I know,” he chuckled. If you didn’t know him, it would sound like he was genuinely amused by this, but no. It already had a dark undertone to it. “So how about it, love dove? That or we hit the bar next to it, instead. Pick your poison because I’m not asking for your permission.”
It was your turn to stay silent. The last place you wanted to go to was the Italian restaurant. Why?
Because it was where you met Seonghwa - the end of your beginning and the beginning of your end.
“Let’s just do coffee, then. Just like you originally wanted,” you murmured in submission, but he was not pleased with your response.
“That ship has sailed when you couldn’t make up your damn mind,” he said. “The bar, then—”
“N-No! I mean, no, please,” you denied, a bit more defensive than what you would’ve liked to sound. “Dinner, Seonghwa, please, I’ll go to dinner with you…”
“Splendid, I’ll pick you up in an hour,” he agreed. “Why are you avoiding the bar?”
“Because we know where that leads,” you lamented, your voice almost desperate and pleading. “I’ll see you.”
You sighed, hanging up the phone and not bothering to hear what he had to say. You were pretty much terrified of going to the bar with Seonghwa, because then he’ll get you a drink, and that would always lead you in his arms.
The hour was a blur. A year prior, it was your favourite part of the day - getting ready and dolled up for the love of your life, but now, you just wanted to get everything over with.
You’d also be excited for the car ride, but now, it was just so awkward to be in the car with Seonghwa. Neither of you talked, nor were you interested to spark up a conversation to begin with. The only time you did was when he asked you to hold onto him as you made your way inside the restaurant.
It was impossibly lavish, as expected of Seonghwa’s finer taste in life. It wasn’t for the regular everyday people since everywhere you looked dripped in money, both clean and dirty. However, all this elegance felt oppressive to you
Seonghwa sat across you, his presence filling the entire space. You cowered at his stare, focusing on the food that was being laid out in front of you. His stare never left you even when the waiter asked if their services were still needed. You could feel your hands gripping the stem of the complimentary champagne flute.
Suddenly, he started to laugh softly. You tilted your head to look at him curiously. “You’re very stubborn, dove,” he shook his head. “It would be endearing if I didn’t want to strangle it out of you sometimes.”
Against your better judgment, you took a huge swig out of the champagne, letting the sweetness of it coat your throat. Lord knows you needed a lot of them if you were about to spend time with Seonghwa. “Unluckily for you, I’m not looking for you to change my mind. I’m happy being independent right now.”
It wasn’t the entire truth. You wanted nothing but to lay in his arms like you used to and let him whisper all the sweet nothings in your ear. You grabbed the wine bottle from the ice bucket that was placed near you and poured a hefty amount on its respective wine glass.
In your peripheral vision, it wasn’t hard to see Seonghwa’s irritation - he wasn’t used to being met with resistance - but even he raised a brow at how much red wine you were planning to drink. He smirked, looks like he didn’t need the bar, after all.
But his smirk dropped when he realized that you had already finished a whole glass and you were on your way to another one. “Alright, that’s enough,” he snatched the glass from you, drinking the whole thing in one go. “I’m not a good person, but don’t insult me like this. I have standards, I don’t want you face-planting on the floor.”
You blinked, the alcohol in your system already hitting you head-on in a possible collision that will be difficult to recover. You couldn’t look away from Seonghwa, and for once, maybe you just wanted to let go and be happy. “Do you want to know why I don’t want to go to a bar, specifically?”
He looked at you expectantly. “It was pointless since I got this,” you giggled, holding up the wine bottle, which was already halfway empty. The glasses were massive, and you were lightweight. “Because we’ll have a drink together, and then you’ll say you want me and that you’re sorry,” you hiccupped. “I know it’ll be a lie.”
He stood up, rendering you speechless. Whether it was from all the stress culminating inside you or his audacity, you didn’t know. He offered a hand to you. “Come,” Seonghwa softly commanded.
You finally looked up at him, confused. “W-Where?”
“Home, you silly goose,” he chuckled. He raised a brow when it still didn’t click. “I’m taking you home, little dove.”
Alarm bells started to ring in your head. You were about to shake your head when he stopped you. “I meant your…apartment,” he spat the word with such venom. “I do not approve of it since we have our old house, but I’ll play along for now. Come along before I change my mind.”
It was how you found yourself back in Seonghwa’s car, the food long forgotten, your mind buzzing. You sighed, staring out through the window, just gazing upon the passing distance. A scoff was tickling behind your throat, this was one of those instances where you actually had no choice. Whatever Seonghwa says, goes.
However, contrary to what he was thinking, you weren’t necessarily afraid of him just snatching you up and forcing you to be with him, not today at least, but you were concerned about something else - something else entirely intimate.
When he insisted that he walk you up to your door, you couldn’t refute it. How could you when he was already walking at the apartment entrance ahead of you as if he knew where he was going?
Little did you know that he actually did. You blanched when he situated himself in front of your door. “Seonghwa,” you gulped, your hands shaking as you tried to open the door. “H-How did you know it was this door?”
When you left him, you tried everything you could to erase his track. It was almost impossible since the mafia owns the entire region, and you couldn’t go far since you had no money. You knew that he knew where you lived but you at least thought that you were safe since you thought you had the upper hand. You cursed under your breath, you shouldn’t have put his obsession with you past him.
He snatched the keys from your hands, taking the liberty to unlock the door, himself, but when he was about to push it so he could walk in, you quickly held on to his arm tightly.
“It’s late,” you reasoned out, heart pounding in your chest. This. This was what you were afraid of. “Don’t you have somewhere to be?”
He rolled his eyes, taking the keys out from the keyhole and tossing them to you. “Is this the way you treat your guests, love?” Seonghwa scoffed, crossing his arms. He sneered. “I thought I taught you better than that.”
You fisted your hands so tightly, your nails left deep indents on your palms. “You made me entertain thieves and murderers,” you gritted your teeth, not relishing in the memory of the many times Seonghwa would make you sit on his lap while he planned his operations in front of the other mafia leaders.
“Hoshposh, little one, I would’ve shot anybody who looked at you wrong straight to the head,” he said. “Seriously, though, I’m quite thirsty.”
He pulled on his sleeves slightly and set his eyes on the luxurious watch that was wrapped on his wrist. “A glass of water would be great, then I’ll be on my way.”
You frowned, hesitation rolling off of you in waves. Of course, you didn’t want to let Seonghwa in your apartment, but you weren’t exactly heartless. You bit your lip, the sting of it snapping you out of the lies swirling in your own head. Heartlessness had nothing to do with it.
You looked up at Seonghwa, heat pooling in your lower tummy, regret churning above it. You opened the door wide, resigning to your desires, leaving the remorse for tomorrow.
Seonghwa smirked, closing the door behind him before pulling you by the arm, his lips smashing against yours in a heated fervor. Kissing him back wasn’t lost on you, this was what he was truly thirsty for, after all - you.
And the worst of it all, you’d let him drink on no matter how much your head told you ‘no’. Seonghwa wasn’t someone who you could deny, because you can’t.
The point was to meet him for coffee, his usual excuse, and only for coffee, but alas, nowhere else is safe because every place always led back to him.
A low, breathy moan escapes your throat as he lifts you up in the air, quickly wrapping your legs around his torso. His lips found salvation on your neck and jawline, planting sweet kisses on your skin that set them on fire with every touch.
“I missed you,” he groaned against your chest as he laid you down on your bed and loomed on top of you, trapping you in between his arms. “God, I fucking missed you, dove…”
Of all the things he’s said tonight, you knew this to be the one where he wasn’t telling lies. You couldn’t even complain when he tore your top to shreds in his impatience to have it off, your bra stood no chance either. A wanton moan slips out of you when he grabs the small dagger that he always kept and cuts it off from the middle, the cool metal tip sending shivers all over your skin.
“S-Seonghwa,” you mewled when his lips wrapped themselves on your puckered nipples, his tongue swirling all over it, leaving trails of spit that you always found incredibly erotic.
He wasted no time taking the rest of his clothes off along with yours until there was no barrier left between the two of you and the hot surface of Seonghwa’s skin seared in contact with yours. You wanted this more than anything, and it was why you were terrified of letting him in.
“How do you want it?” Seonghwa placed a tender kiss on the area below your ear, tickling you, making your cunt clamp down on his invading fingers as he massaged that sweet spot inside you. “How do you want me to fuck you?”
It was when you looked up at him that had your mind completely reeling. No, you never really doubted that he loved you, but sometimes, love simply wasn’t enough.
And in Seonghwa’s case, he was offering a little too much. And too much of anything never did anybody favours.
When you raised your hand to cup his face, he didn’t hesitate to close his eyes and kiss your palm. There were no words that needed to be said.
That night, as you were curled up on Seonghwa’s naked chest when things were said and done, it was the first time you wished that things were different. You wished you were strong enough to stop loving this man, but that was impossible because you knew he would never stop chasing you until all that were left of him were bones and ashes.
And when you woke the next day to a completely empty bed, tears cascading down towards your pillows as you stared at the empty space. You could still feel the ghost of his lips on your forehead, the reluctance to leave clear in the gesture. But he had to, you’d kick him out, anyway.
However, it wasn’t out of a broken heart - it was relief. Pure, unadulterated relief that he was gone.
Leaving Seonghwa a couple of months before you moved back to your current place was simply the hardest thing you had to do. It wasn’t a decision that you mustered up out of thin air, it was days - months - of decision-making that either broke your heart or killed you.
You carefully adjusted your dress, shimmying your hips to make sure you weren’t exposed. You slipped among the crowd, squeezing your body in between the drunken state of the people on the dance floor as you made a beeline straight to the bar.
Clubbing became a part of your routine. It was an unhealthy coping mechanism to remind you that before Seonghwa, you were your own person. A drink or two later, your hands were in the air, your inhibitions lowering at the quick shot of adrenaline the alcohol provided you.
But it could only do so much. You sat at the corner of the club, just staring into the crowd. Melancholy seeped in your heart, it was pathetic that you had to go to places like these to get that cheap thrill of forgetting Seonghwa for a moment, only for his face to haunt you the moment you stepped out.
You swallowed the nostalgia that threatened to embrace you. When you closed your eyes, you could still picture the moment when you met Seonghwa for the first time. It was last year, you were so naive back then.
Or maybe not. He was just good at hiding his true colours.
A heavy sigh left your lips, your head nodding in resignation at the realization that your date had just ditched you.
Embarrassment clawed in your chest as you curled in on yourself at your seat, your fingers fiddling with the straps of the dress you’d carefully picked out for tonight uncomfortably. It was a waste since you had nobody to show up for it.
“You shouldn’t waste your tears on this beautiful night, pretty dove.”
Surprise covers your features. You hadn’t realized that you were crying. You feel somebody from behind you, probably another patron of the restaurant. You were even more embarrassed that someone has seen you get emotional.
“T-Thank you, kind Sir,” you politely accepted the handkerchief he offered you, dabbing your tears with it. “I’m afraid I soiled what’s yours…”
You were caught off guard when you glanced at its owner. He was hauntingly beautiful. His features were so forward and defined, and yet, there was a type of softness to it that reminded you of a gentle lamb.
”Do not fret, I have more where that came from,” he chuckled.
“Ah,” you trailed off. “I will replace it for you soon.”
He smiled, his face transforming into something even more breathtaking. A blush creeps onto your cheeks.
”Might I be presumptuous to ask for something else in return? I don’t need it back,” he pointed to the kerchief.
You blinked, waiting for his response. He gestured to the empty chair in front of you. “I’d like to accompany you for tonight, if that’s alright,” he said.
Your brows shot up in surprise. You supposed that the universe hasn’t completely abandoned you. You nodded, gesturing towards the chair. You had absolutely nothing to lose.
“O-Of course. I’d be honoured,” you cleared your throat, gazing at him expectantly as he helped himself. “I’m Y/N.”
He gracefully extends his hand to capture yours, a subtle smirk plastered on his face. “Park Seonghwa.”
He was the best thing that ever happened to you. Seonghwa took you to multiple dates after that, taking you to places he said you deserved to be taken to, experiencing things you’ve never done before, and just spending time with him in general.
The next thing you knew, you were falling in love with him, and you were falling hard and fast. Luckily for you, Seonghwa was, too.
You bit your lips, remembering the way his glimmering eyes that reminded you of a baby doe as he stared at you with all the love he could muster in those beautiful eyes. The Seonghwa you knew was kind and gentle, he could never hurt a fly.
”Excuse me?”
The bartender you got your drinks from earlier interrupts your thoughts. They had a tray with a single drink. It was a daiquiri. You frowned, shaking your head towards them. “I haven’t ordered anything.”
They proceeded to shake their head at you, instead. “It’s from that guy over there,” they pointed at a table a couple of metres away from you.
As they placed the cocktail right in front of you, you took the liberty of inspecting the man that had the audacity to assume that you were lonely. A year back, you would’ve been flattered, but this reminded you of the way Seonghwa approached you for the first time in that restaurant.
Your sweet, sweet boy. Or so you thought.
“Can you please return it? I’m not interested,” you pushed the drink back, much to the bartender’s chagrin and hesitation.
Your heart felt like a knife was being stabbed into it. You couldn’t go through this again.
Something changed along with your relationship. Seonghwa was the most patient man you knew. He was the type to cook breakfast in bed for you, tuck you in and give you a goodnight kiss for absolutely no reason. Seonghwa would hold you in his arms, cuddling with you for hours, just laughing along with your corny jokes even though they weren’t funny.
”Whenever you’re sad, just look at the stars for me,” Seonghwa would say. He would give your forehead a tender kiss as he would whisper. “You are my forever star, Y/N. I want the stars to be a witness to our eternal love.”
The club started to feel suffocating for you. Standing up, your wobbling legs took you to the restroom. You didn’t even spare a second glance on the daiquiri that you had purposefully left behind.
Luckily, the restroom was empty. You splashed cold water on your face, hoping it would wake you up and knock some sense into you. This was a mistake, you thought, your hands gripping the marbled sink. You were a mess.
Your feelings for Seonghwa were a mess. He started to change slowly. It wasn’t noticeable at first, but you knew him. He started getting angry fast, he had random bouts of periods where he would disappear, he’d come home with bruises on his face. He would cover it with makeup, but they’d still peek through.
When he told you he was in the mafia was a breaking point for you. You immediately left him after because you didn’t want to involve yourself in that lifestyle.
”My love, please,” Seonghwa begged at that time, tears falling from his beautiful eyes as he held your arm back weakly from leaving the house with your luggages. “P-Please, don’t go, I-I don’t think I can live without you, please.”
You couldn’t believe it back then, that your sweet Seonghwa was pleading for you to keep your love alive while his heart shattered with the weight of your decision in his chest. It pained you to see the love of your life losing it like this, but you had no choice. You wanted a normal life, you wanted to live your life safely, and Seonghwa being in the mafia can’t provide that for you.
It pained you to remember how Seonghwa desperately kneeled on the floor, crawling forward on his knees, broken, his eyes wild with fear. “Y/N, I am begging you,” Seonghwa’s voice cracked back then, struggling to breathe as tears spilled down his face. “I need you, dove, I can’t go on without you…”
His chest heaved with sobs he couldn’t control. “Don’t leave me, please. I don’t care what I have to do, dove, I-I can’t lose you, y-you’re everything to me. Please, don’t go.”
Sometimes, love just wasn’t worth it. You swallowed the tears that threatened to fall from your eyes, and you powered through, turning your back on him for the last time as his fiance, pulling on your luggages to leave him for good. It was difficult to ignore the guttural cries that left his lips as he screamed his lungs out for you to come back to him, but you had to go.
The little coffee breaks he’d ask of you were your little reprieve. Call it a guilty conscience for breaking his heart.
But the truth was, you still loved him just the same, if not more. God, you still loved him.
Something had changed, though. During the months you were apart, he became maddened - more unhinged, to say the least. He scared you most of the time, it strengthened your cause of leaving because it was a side of him you’ve never seen before. He wasn’t the person you loved, not anymore.
Your Seonghwa was mellow and gentle. Whoever this maniac was, this psycho, you didn’t know who.
The bathroom doors opened with a bang, the rickety wooden structure hitting the walls that shook the entire expanse from where you stood. Danger signals spiked fear in you, instead of the usual women who belonged in the restroom, two wannabe thugs entered and set their eyes on you.
One of them gave you a gnarly grin. You squinted your eyes, you knew of them. Disgust curls on your lips at the sight of the two men who were at the table who sent you the overly sweet cocktail you indifferently left at the table.
“You shouldn’t be here,” you said, trying to level the situation out. Them barging in meant no good. And there was no one to save you. What is it with men and their inability to accept rejection?
“Who the hell do you think you are?” One of them growled audaciously, spit flying out from his filthy mouth emphasized by the dingy lighting the restroom provided. He marches towards you, pushing your arms rather roughly. You reckon it will bruise.
“Now, now, there’s no need for this,” the other one gestured for his companion to tone it down, leering as he raked his eyes from your head to your toes. His slimy tongue licks his dry lips as he slowly approaches you, or rather, stalks you like a predator.
The moment he grabs your shoulders, your instincts snapped you out. With a scream, you swiftly ran across the room towards the door, but not before giving one of them a good kick in the groin.
“You fucking bitch! Ow, fuck, wait until I get my hands on you—”
Your heart pounded heavily against your ribcage, pure adrenaline fueling you as more vile words could be heard from the distance the more you walked away. You had no care for the sweaty bodies that you had to go through, all you knew was that you had to run, and you had to run fast.
This was the only time you cursed at how small the club was. You had no idea how far you were walking away from the bathroom, but the blinding lights, the deafening music, they were starting to get to you. You were terrified that they had managed to follow you. You didn’t dare look back.
You had to get out of here. Luckily, you were near the back door where you could exit and get away, so that’s exactly what you did. You couldn’t even regret forgetting your jacket the moment you got out and was embraced in the bitter cold of the night.
“Once again, I don’t have to do anything. You keep running into me.”
A startled scream escapes your mouth, the loudness of your own voice scaring you. Panic surged through your bloodstream. You looked around, and there was darkness everywhere, but no matter how blinded you were, you will always find that voice.
Seonghwa was enveloped in the quiet corner of the cobblestoned alleyway. His back was leaning against the wall, his hand in his pants pocket while the other held a cigarette in between his nimble fingers. The only thing illuminating him was the faint glow of its lighted tip, its smoke swirling in the air mixed with the cold exhale of his breath.
Your breath caught into your throat. The horrifying clarity of running straight towards another danger was harrowing. Being alone with Seonghwa was far, far more dangerous than anything, however, you’d rather be in his mercy than those thugs inside.
“You just couldn’t wait to see me again, don’t you, doveling?” Seonghwa mocked, his voice almost low, and frankly, delicious to your ears.
But you weren’t in the mood for his games. “Go fuck yourself,” you hissed, gritting your teeth in annoyance.
“I’d rather fuck you,” he grinned.
His pants tightened as he stared at you clad in the tiniest dress known to mankind, his cock jumping out at a certain memory of you underneath him just the prior week before he left your sleeping form.
He could take you where you stood, right here, right now. And he would. However, when he noticed the way your hands trembled as you wrapped a protective arm all over yourself, his inhibitions died down. His brow rose when your form shook at the sudden boom of a voice from the door where you exited.
Paleness rendered you frozen. You could hear the same voice from the bathroom shouting, the sound of their voice growing closer and closer as they searched for you. Your eyes fleeted to Seonghwa once more.
He was already staring at you, his sharp, calculating eyes boring into you in realization. He poked his tongue on his inner cheeks, dropping the cigarette on the dirty floor, crushing it underneath his feet. You smiled to yourself ruefully, he was definitely different from the Seonghwa in your memory.
This was his true nature. Your sweet Seonghwa was a fraud.
The door busted open, and the same guy that held your shoulders looked around like an angry bull until he set his eyes on you. At that moment, you knew that Seonghwa understood what was happening. He stayed unmoving, unbreathing in his dark corner as the guy marched towards you.
“You,” the guy seethed, shoving you hard on the same shoulder. “You think you’re hot shit, bitch?”
You gasped when he spit at your feet, his saliva coating your slightly exposed feet due to your shoes. You inhaled, exhaled, repeating the gesture to reel in the anger you were feeling. You subtly waved your hand in Seonghwa’s direction, telling him to back the hell off and let you handle this, yourself.
“I’ll pay you for the drink, if that’s what you’re mad about,” you murmured, trying to sidestep him, but he swayed to the same direction, blocking your way. “Move,” you gritted your teeth.
He gripped your arm tight, his fingers digging into your skin in an alarming pressure where you were sure it would leave bruises. “No, no, you’re coming with me,” he pulled on your arm, causing you to lose your footing a bit.
“N-No, let go of me,” you pulled once more, forcefully this time, but his grip was loosening. Tension gripped your chest, the feeling of being cornered filling your mind with fear.
“Just come with me, you’ll have a good time,” he laughed lasciviously, his arm moving to grip your waist, until it freezes in the air.
You didn’t know whether you should feel alarmed or cry in relief when you watched Seonghwa appear from behind your captor. “Not so fast,” he said. You gulped when you saw him pull something familiar, using it to point at the man who held your arm at the back of his head.
The sound of a pistol cocking was louder than it should’ve been at the empty alleway. Your eyes widened in surprise and fear. This wasn’t supposed to be shocking to you anymore, but the sight of Seonghwa easily pulling a gun towards someone’s head never failed to instill terror in you.
“Back off, bastard,” the man snarled, though it didn’t have a real bite to it. “I saw her first, you can use this bitch when I’m done with her.”
Seonghwa hummed, leaning forward to the man’s ear, his tone dripping with unveiled threat. “Or I could plant a bullet in your head first. That sounds better to me.”
The man let out a nervous laugh, his grip on you tightening further, making you whine in slight pain. “You wouldn’t dare,” he laughed sarcastically, pushing his luck. “Not in a public place.”
Seonghwa’s eyes never left your shaking form. Your captor’s lips curled in dissatisfaction at Seonghwa’s lack of response. The thick silence in the air, yet your eyes never left Seonghwa as well.
“What else did he do to you, love?” Seonghwa’s soft voice asked after a while, though his eyes held another thing - rage.
He pushes the gun on the man’s scalp, the latter groaning in pain in response to the rough action. “Look, man. I didn’t know she was taken,” the guy defended himself. “W-We can talk about this—”
“Did he hurt you before this?” Seonghwa gave you a pointed look, impatience coating his features.
“Seonghwa, please,” you responded, voice weary and exhausted. “Let’s just—”
“Answer the question, Y/N. Did he, or did he not?”
You gulped. You hated when he used your name. “Just let him go, please, I want to go home,” you begged. You felt filthy being touched, but you didn’t want blood in your hands.
But it was too late, Seonghwa hated his properties getting defiled. He shoots the guy point blank, his eyes still never leaving yours. Shock electrifies your system, unwilling you to move even when your face splatters with blood. The grip on your arms disappears as the man’s body crumples to the ground with a sickening thud.
Seonghwa tutted, clicking his tongue in mock disappointment and disgust at the body laying down in front of him. “Pathetic fool,” he sneered, spitting violently at the corpse’s face, his foot connecting to the now-dead man’s face. “Pathetic fool.”
Another gunshot resounds in the air, and then another, and then another one, until the clicking of Seonghwa’s trigger signifies that he was out of bullets. “Well, fuck,” he murmured before his maniacal laughter fills the night. There was something primal about it, something animalistic.
You turned away, at the risk of throwing up all over the concrete floor, afraid to look at the man’s, mangled, bullet-riddled face. Your vision started to blur, like your surroundings were spinning, as your breathing became laboured and shallow. You tried to back away to try and lean on something, but your legs felt weak.
“A ‘thank you’ would be nice, little dove,” Seonghwa scoffed, side-eyeing you as he put his phone up his ear. “Get in here. I need someone to scrub the floor.”
You knew exactly what that meant. Someone was coming to get rid of Seonghwa’s crime. Your stomach churns with nausea, until you can't take it anymore. You turn around, emptying your stomach of its contents, the regurgitating, gagging sounds from your hoarse throat sickening, the smell of your own vomit making you even more sick.
The more you tried to breathe in calmly, the more out of control you felt. It was as if your body was deliberately going against you. Seonghwa never hid his brutality, but this was the first time you had witnessed it first hand.
You gasped when you were pinned against the nearby wall, your eyes rolling in the back of your head, but still making a point to look at Seonghwa. “Shut the hell up,” he hissed, wildly looking around. “We’re going to get caught if you don’t toughen up.”
You sneered, wiping your lips with the back of your hand. “Are you fucking kidding me? You’re delusional, you monster—”
Something cold and unforgiving wrapped itself around your throat. You gasped, your hands coming up for defense to pry Seonghwa’s hand away from your neck, but all he did was squeeze, effectively cutting your air supply off. “S-Seonghwa…”
A low, throaty laugh reaches your ears before he lets go. Your body automatically lunges forward, the suffocating weight on your neck finally lifting for you to gulp in a large amount of air. Yes, Seonghwa thought, this was what he wanted. He was the only one who had rights to your pain, not some slimy bastard.
“Why do you always have to misbehave, dove?” Seonghwa grabs your face gently in his hands, leaning in to plant a firm kiss on your forehead. “It would do you a favour if you shut your trap.”
“I–I’m well-behaved, actually,” you choked out, your fingers digging on his arms for support. “You always get what you want, anyway. What was the point?”
It was the truth, and you weren’t wrong. Whether that was by determination, force, or sheer luck, Seonghwa always got what he wanted.
Footsteps began to approach, the heavy thud of boots echoing through the night. Panic seizes you at first, but when you are approached by familiar faces. Seonghwa curses under his breath, pulling you close to him to cover your scantily clad body from prying eyes.
Not that he needed to do it, anyone who looked at you wrongly would have faced his wrath, anyway.
“Clean that rubbish up,” Seonghwa ordered gruffly, pointing his gun at the corpse he further abused after taking its life. “Leave traces of it, and you’re next. Where’s the car?”
Before anyone could respond, he threw said gun in the air for someone to catch. “Dispose of this, Yunho, and dispose of it well,” he wrapped a possessive arm around you, gesturing to the tall man who stared at you in pity. “We’re leaving.”
“Boss, hold on,” another person, one that you knew to be Jongho from his voice, alone, stopped Seonghwa from walking. He raised an irritated brow in expectation. “Wouldn’t it be smarter to pin this on someone else, instead?”
You knew of Seonghwa’s brothers, the people who he led and followed him for his wisdom and criminally intelligent guise, and you liked them. Jongho drove you back to your apartment that day when you left Seonghwa, causing him to be severely punished when he came back, and Yunho provided you a crying shoulder, but sometimes, you forgot that they were just as depraved as their boss.
Seonghwa laughed, baring his teeth maliciously. “Brilliant. On with it, then.”
The car was thick with unspoken tension, at least for you, anyway. Seonghwa was as relaxed as ever as he sat with you at the back of the car; his legs were crossed gracefully, and he even held a champagne flute for him to drink as if he was celebrating a job well done.
“Are you going to get rid of me too?” You asked, filling in the awkward silence. One more second of silence and you were going to lose your mind.
“I should,” he answered. Your body twitched with the unexpected response. “Which is why you should be more thankful. Nobody gets out of Halazia alive, not without my consent.”
Halazia was their base where all the operations ensued. You wanted to scoff, were you supposed to be grateful that you weren’t killed in your sleep after you broke up with him?
“The only thing I should thank you for is absolute nothing,” you replied, your voice inhospitable and unwelcoming.
You turned away, trying to ignore him and cut the conversation, but you gasped when he grabbed your arm harshly, hissing in pain when he coincidentally dug his fingers on the spot where you were pushed by the other man in the bathroom.
“Where the hell did you get this?” Seonghwa barked, glaring at the swollen area of your arm. If it wasn’t a bruise from him, then you’re not supposed to have it. Only he can give you those.
“Get your hands off of me,” you snarled, pulling your arm away to rub on the hurting spot. You avoided eye contact with him, not willing to divulge more information. One man was already dead, you didn’t want another one in your hands. You haven’t even properly internalized what happened, it was too soon.
“I just had a nasty fall and hit something while I was running away from that creep, it’s no big deal.”
His stiffened, his eyes narrowed with unbridled, towering hostility. Seonghwa made no point to reply, but you could feel his temper rolling off in waves from where you sat. You decided not to push it. Technically, he lets you get away with a lot of things. You gulped, remembering how he callously shot someone in the head just by messing with you.
And that was fine, until you realized you weren’t getting driven to the place where you thought you’d be. You picture the familiar buildings that lead to your apartment, the roads that you walked to and fro everyday. You dare not breathe as you slowly approach the belly of the beast.
Seonghwa’s house, your old house with him.
“W-What are we doing here? Seonghwa,” you panicked, gripping the leather seats underneath your palms. “Why are you taking me here—”
“Relax, dove, it’s only for one night,” he scoffed.
The car lurched to a stop, the brakes screeching with no warning, and a cold gust of air hit your face when Seonghwa opened his own door to get out, but not without turning his head in your direction. “Unless you want to stay with me,” he grinned maliciously.
You angrily stepped out, having no choice but to comply just for a night. Your heels clacked against the wet concrete, not even caring that you splashed into a small puddle, as you marched towards the house without even waiting for Seonghwa. You hesitated for a little, nostalgia was a dangerous thing to feel.
The last time you were in this house, Seonghwa was kneeling by the doorway, pleading for you to stay and not leave him, begging that he’ll change. Your chest felt hollow with misplaced intentions, but you decided to ignore it for now.
All you knew right now was that you need to wash off all the blood that marred your face; to wash off all the indirect sins that you knew you had no hand in, but still felt guilty about. When you went to the guest room’s bathroom, your heart dropped when you saw that nothing had changed.
The water felt invigorating against your skin, but peace never came to you. That man, you were the reason why he was dead. You might as well have pulled the trigger on him. As your mind raced with frantic thoughts, you heard a soft knock on the bathroom door, and then the telltale jingle of the doorknob.
“Don’t even think about it,” you snapped, still covering your naked body with your hands even though you knew he wouldn’t be able to get in.
You heard Seonghwa’s dark chuckle on the other side of the door. “I’ll be back immediately, I have business to attend to. Hongjoong is here to address your needs, shall you need something.”
You murmured in agreement just to get rid of him. You would take this opportunity to slip away and go back to your apartment. You just hoped that Seonghwa wouldn’t be one step ahead of you like he always was. He could do whatever he wanted, you didn’t care.
At least that’s what you told yourself when you dressed up using your clothes that Seonghwa didn’t bother to throw away. A scoff leaves your lips, was he really hoping that you’d come back to him? Still, you couldn’t help but wonder what it is that he was doing this late in the night. Back then, you disliked when Seonghwa worked late as it worried you to no end.
“Y/N? May I come in?”
The family butler, Hongjoong, stood at the far end of the room. You greeted him with a warm smile, genuinely happy to see somebody that you knew wasn’t going to take advantage of your presence. He carried a small cup with him with what you assumed was tea. “Hey, Joong, long time no see.”
“Likewise, Y/N. The mansion wasn’t ever the same without you,” he smiled. He paused, hesitation coating his features as he set the cup down in front of you. “I wish you never came back, though.”
You sighed. It might sound harsh, but you knew he meant well. He saw how suffocating Seonghwa was as a fiance. “You can thank your boss for this fiasco. Ask him later, but I’m leaving right now.”
“I still value my life, thank you,” he chuckled, shaking his head. He bowed slightly before he started to walk away. “Call me when you need anything.”
You cursed mentally, swiping your hair up in frustration as you stared at the steaming cup of goodness. You wanted to leave before Seonghwa came back, but if you were being honest with yourself, you felt beat up. Your arms had started to bruise in some areas while you showered, patches of unsightly purples and greens spread all across your skin.
It wasn’t a good idea, and you were setting yourself up for failure, but you decided to drink the tea quickly and then vanish. You sighed, sitting down on the leather sofa, grabbing the remote control to the TV to raise the volume as it was already on, anyway. Seonghwa had a habit of leaving them on even when he’s not around so he’d have easy access to the news whenever he needed it.
Relaxation seeped into you as you took a good sip. Earl Grey, you realized. It made you smile a bit, it was your favourite. Seonghwa bought an entire land just to plant the trees that made them all for you one time. The memory suddenly made the tea taste bitter.
Suddenly, the distinct voice of the newscaster on the television made you freeze mid-sip. “For our breaking news,” they began. “A man was found brutally beaten north of downtown a quarter before midnight. It said that they passed away shortly after their sustained injuries.”
That in itself wouldn’t have been too bad, but when they showed the man’s face pre-crime, the cup wavered in your hand, drops of the tea spilling from the sides. It was the man that pushed you in the bathroom, the one that gave you the nasty bruise on your arm.
The more the reporter recounted the injuries, the more your grip on the cup tightened. You struggled to process the words, but more so how grizzly the attack was - missing teeth, broken jaw and ribs, face beyond recognition and repair. The words began to blur as you sat staring at the screen, frozen in your place.
A small chuckle sounded from the doorway, breaking you out of your thoughts. It was followed by a tut, the mocking kind. You closed your eyes to calm your nerves, you knew your chances of leaving were slim to none at this point. Even at a distance, his presence was so overwhelming and suffocating.
“What a shame. Such a handsome fellow.”
You didn’t turn right away, not wanting to give Seonghwa the satisfaction of seeing you falter. If he looked closer, he would’ve noticed how badly your hands shook. ”Yes, it is,” you said flatly, setting the cup down before you shattered it towards the floor. “What did you do?”
You were afraid of the answer, terrified, even. “Whatever do you mean, my love?” Seonghwa replied from where he stood. You could practically hear the smirk from his voice. He was so sure of himself and a bit too close for comfort. “I would never associate myself with the likes of that man.”
That much was true. As lethal as he was, he held an air of grandeur to him that always starstruck you. He could have been royalty in his past life. Everyone was beneath him.
“Oh?” You worded out, your tone more aggressive than you’d like. “What did you think happened, then?”
Your gaze flickered towards the door, and you wished you didn’t. He leaned on the door frame, arms folded, posture as relaxed as ever. “He must have had a pretty bad fall,” he shrugged nonchalantly. He said it so smoothly, so calmly, that it sent a shiver down your spine. “It’s no big deal.”
You didn’t know what it was. Something passed through his eyes, but it was gone in an instant before you could read it. The way he stood by and stared wasn’t imposing either, but there was something about the way he parroted your words in the car earlier, the way he knew that you knew, that made Seonghwa truly the terrifying man that he was.
You looked at him in disgust. “You’re a psychopath.”
“I prefer creative,” he started walking towards you, his eyes never leaving yours. He stops directly in front of you, his torso in your line of vision. His index finger tilts your chin up until your eyes are meeting his.
For a while, he didn’t say anything, the rest of his fingers brushing your skin tenderly in a way that should’ve calmed you down, but all it did was terrorize you. His gaze was calm, yet it unsettled you to your bones. “My, my, little dove, you are quite ungrateful,” he remarked softly, almost soothingly. “I don’t like ungrateful people.”
He gripped your chin firmly, not enough for it to hurt, but enough for him to make his point. “I don’t know what you want from me,” you cut the undeniable tension in the air.
“It’s not what I want from you,” his thumb pressing lightly over your skin. “It’s what you need from me.”
You frowned. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“Watch your tone,” his eyes narrowed as he dug his sharp nails on your chin. You had to suppress a groan until he calmed down. He sighed, his thumb carressing the area he hurt. “Did you honestly think I enjoyed you seeing me like this after hiding it for so long when you were with me?”
The question hung in the air, what were you supposed to say to that? His eyes darkened. “I do everything for you, dove. Can’t you see that everything I do is for your enjoyment and glory?”
This man was delusional. His hands lowered down to your neck, his fingers not squeezing, but the command was there. “I could kill anyone for you without blinking. I’m the only one who will do this for you, because I’m the only one who knows what you truly want,” he took a deep breath.
His voice became gentler, but that served to scare you even more. The words coming out of his mouth weren’t normal. “You think someone would care for you like I do?” Seonghwa asked affectionately. “You owe me, Y/N. Ask me why.”
“W-Why?” You asked, your words cracking halfway.
“Because,” he answered, eerily calm than it should be. “You’re the only one I care enough to hurt about.” Seonghwa kneels down, his hand unwrapping itself from your neck to hold your thighs. “I’m different now, I won’t let you down, baby.”
Your breath hitched, wanting to pull away, to scream, but the fear had you frozen in place. "I know how you are, Park Seonghwa,” you gulped. “You can't fool me."
"Once. I made that mistake once,” the mask had slipped and the true chaos inside him, referring to when he had hidden things from you. “And I already paid that price, little dove. You left me. Won't you spare me a bit of your love? I learned my lesson."
"You haven't learned your lesson. It's impossible. We are what we are," you stood your ground regardless of what Seonghwa would do to you.
He smirked. "You know I love you," Seonghwa said. "I could wait for you for as long as you need me to."
You frowned, your eyes widening slightly in horror. The confession wasn't something you haven't heard before, but it terrified you just the same. "You shouldn't. I don't love you like that," you rasped weakly. "We've talked about this before."
Seonghwa tilted his head, his face not giving out what his thoughts truly were. You had no idea how utterly smitten he was with you; how depraved he truly was. But the truth was, you could see it on his face. Instead of the rejection stunting his attempts, it made him want you more.
"How long are you going to pretend you don't want me, little dove?" Seonghwa held your hand. He planted a slow kiss, his dark eyes looking up at you as he did so. "How long are you going to deny me?"
It wasn’t difficult to see how his words, no matter how sweet or manipulative they were, hinted at his unstable mindset. “Anyway, I digress,” he pulled away, “Stay the night. You’ve been through a lot today.”
Anger is an indulgence, and it’s something you weren’t willing to feel at the moment. You weren’t angry at him, no - you were angry at yourself. You should have just left earlier.
“I have to go,” you whispered so softly it was almost unheard in the wide expanse of the room. “You weren’t even supposed to bring me here.” Your tone was accusatory. Clearly, you’ve had plenty of blunders today.
“Hmm,” he hummed. “Has it never crossed your mind that all the things you’ve been doing lately have all led you to me?”
You narrowed your eyes at him, but he continued. “Think about it,” he shrugged. “The odds of you stumbling upon me, through the backdoor, nonetheless, on a bar that we had just purchased the same night is astounding.”
You grit your teeth, not having any idea that he owned the property. Had you known, you wouldn’t even have bothered at all.
You rolled your eyes, resisting the urge to scream at him and fight him until you were out of this suffocating house. He tilted his head in response. “You’re not a prisoner, dove,” he declared with disturbing softness. “You are free to leave anytime, but you have to behave and you have to trust me.”
“I don’t trust you,” you bit back, baring your teeth at him like an animal. “I never will.”
Something flashed in his eyes - something inhuman. He chuckled, as if he was expecting your answer all along. “Not yet,” his eyes, once again, glimmered with something foreboding. “But you will, if you know what’s good for you.”
You flipped him off, jumping off of the sofa to tread towards the door to leave, ready to shove him out of the way should Seonghwa resist, if need be. You were done playing his games, you were done being his plaything.
Seonghwa laughed, low and manic, as he watched your petite form stalk towards your goal like a cat who has set his eyes on its prize. Your jerked back, heart pounding in your throat, when he grabbed your wrist to halt you from moving forward.
His eyes were predatory, and you were pretty sure that he could smell your fear. “Behave, Y/N. It’s quite late, and I’m looking forward to retiring to my bed,” he smirked. He leaned closer to your ear to whisper. “Or are you looking forward to finding out how I’ll punish you if you misbehave?”
You grit your teeth, the audacity of this man! You fists clenched to your sides, the ache of rage and frustration bubbling inside you.
“No need to be afraid,” he whispered, leaning in close. “I told you, you’ll learn to trust me. I always get what I want.”
He lets go of your wrist to walk away, but not before he turns his head to side-you. “And I want you.”
A day or two was fine, to be fair, you really did need to rest and recuperate all the energy you had lost from all the adrenaline-fueled chase in the nightclub.
But you’ve been in Seonghwa’s territory, Halazia, for almost a week now. True to his words, you really weren’t being treated as a prisoner. Hongjoong did his best to accommodate all your needs, but it didn’t erase the fact that you were just a glorified captive that he dressed in silk and bound by the chains of his obsession.
Seonghwa always had an excuse, his latest one being that he wanted to see you out since he knew you weren’t going to show your face to him for a while. Well, that was three days ago. It pissed you off to no end, you weren’t completely stupid - it was his way of manipulating you to stay.
All you did was stay in the guest room. Seonghwa has tried to coax you once or twice, but you always ignored him, and you weren’t ready to see the people you used to know that you had gotten close with before you left.
Fine, you thought. If he wasn’t going to let you leave, you were just going to get out, yourself, without anybody knowing. You had no idea how you’ll do it, Halazia was well-guarded, but damn, if you didn’t try. You had to escape.
You carefully opened the door that led out to the currently empty hallway, looking left and right to see if Seonghwa assigned somebody to watch you. There wasn’t any, but you didn’t trust what you see - it was what you didn’t see that you didn’t trust.
The only good thing about this house was that it had a lot of secret entrances and exits just in case Seonghwa needed to escape if the operation got compromised. You had memorized them just in case you needed to escape from Seonghwa, ironically, like right now.
The nearest one to you was locked, of course. You cursed under your breath, quickly moving on to the next one. It was a gamble, unlike the other secret exits, this one was disguised as a small aesthetic dresser that Seonghwa had cleverly displayed at the end of the hallway. When opened, you would be greeted by random coats for diversion.
You silently moved them aside, revealing a hidden door knob behind them that led to the underground garage. Luckily, you were small enough to fit through without making the wooden structure of it creak. You were so close, and now, you had this one chance.
“Y/N?”
You reached for the door knob, but before your hands could wrap around it, your breath hitched, every muscle on your back stiffening. You rigidly turned your head, meeting Yunho’s widened eyes as they went back and forth between your face and where your hand was headed.
“Y-Yunho,” you pleaded, gulping on your nerves. You were thoroughly fucked. “Please…”
But before you could both react, low murmurs of voice started to echo down the hallway as well as thudding footsteps that signalled a couple of people just around the other hallway.
One of which was Seonghwa’s.
You couldn’t even lament. You knew this was going to happen. Every single time you found an opportunity to seek your way out, he would always come for you. He was always one step ahead, always waiting for you to screw up so he could whatever it is that he wanted.
Your breath got caught in your throat. Seonghwa’s presence loomed close like his footsteps, his voice muffled, yet smooth and cold, as he talked to whoever he was with. When his shadow was outlined at the end of the hallway, you knew you were done for.
And when you heard Hongjoong’s voice from the distance looking for you in panic, you knew you were found out.
Without thinking, you stepped in the dresser, closing the door before you slid in the corner behind all the thick coats. You swallowed, forcing yourself to still your breathing and manage your panic, but the truth was, you felt like you were going to faint. You stayed hidden, holding your breath and waited.
Footsteps approached until they directly stopped in front of the dresser. Your stomach twisted in fear, your breath coming fast and shallow. One wrong move, and all of this would be over.
“Yun,” Hongjoong’s panted tiredly. “Have you seen Y/N, by any chance?”
You inhaled a sharp breath. You had totally forgotten about Yunho. You said a quick prayer in your head, squeezing your body even tighter against the corner. Light passed in between the small crack of the door, allowing you to see Seonghwa along with two people you couldn’t really see finally joining Hongjoong and Yunho.
“No. I thought she was still in the guest room?” Yunho sounded thoroughly confused when he answered, his voice leaving no room for doubt as he covered for you.
Relief washed over you. You would never forget this favour from Yunho as he stepped in for you without a second thought. Through the crack, you could see Seonghwa close his eyes to reel in his anger, his fingers massaging his temple in nuisance, staring at Yunho, who squirmed at the attention, intently.
“She couldn’t have gotten far. Find her,” he ordered in eerie stillness.
Seonghwa remained in the hallway directly in your line of vision through the small space in between the wooden doors. This time, you weren’t breathing at all, your mind racing. Why wasn’t he leaving?
“Y/N,” he sighed exasperatedly. “Oh, my little doveling.”
Your chest exploded, pain spreading through your lungs as your breath got knocked out of you. His possessive way of calling you out shook you. You couldn’t risk getting caught, so you didn’t say anything.
You flinched when the doors rattled with his touch, creaking slightly as he opened it ever so slightly. “I know you’re in here,” he chuckled, teasing and soft, and so mocking. “Did you honestly think you could hide from me?”
Your stomach churned when the doors opened violently, its hinges almost coming undone. You wanted to cry, but you forced yourself to be still. You were still hidden behind the thick, wool coats. You just hoped your heavy breathing didn’t give you away.
You watched as his dark eyes scanned the dresser and for a moment, he didn’t move, just standing there as if disbelieving that he wasn’t seeing you. He hummed, finally closing the doors. A chill sparked up your spine, it couldn’t be that easy—
It all happened within a split second. You screamed when the doors opened again, a hand grabbing you and dragging you out of the dresser to be forcibly pinned against it. Somehow, Seonghwa still knew you were in there as if he had always known from the start - as if he anticipated you hiding in it.
“You think me stupid, don’t you?” Seonghwa murmured with false pretense. “I own you. That also means I know how your mind functions.”
You fixed your stare on the floor, not daring to lift your head to look at him. He held the areas on your arm that were still bruised, they hurt, but you were wishing that you could just disappear on the spot. But there he was, standing before you as his hands pinned yours tightly against the wall. His stare was intense, his demeanor more so.
“Look at me,” he commanded. He wasn’t playing around this time, that much you could tell.
You looked into his eyes with equal intent. A glint of surprise passes through them for a split second before it disappears and something akin to proudness appears on them. It was certainly twisted, especially because you just don’t understand just why he was so obsessed with you. Had you known it was going to be like this, you would never have left him the way you did.
In some ways, you felt like you were responsible for his unnecessary fixation towards you, and knowing Seonghwa, he was never going to stop until you were completely in his possession.
“You know what I think?” Seonghwa began, his voice tethering the line between amusement and controlled rage. “I think you think that you know me.”
One of your hands fell to your sides as he let go, only for him to grab you by the hair, bunching them up in his wrists tightly as he yanked your head backwards. Pain bloomed in your scalp, but Seonghwa didn’t care. It was this moment where you actually feared him, the real depth of his madness were finally starting to come to head as his patience was slowly thinning.
“I don't know whether to kill you or kiss you all over. Tell me, doveling, what do you think I should do?” Seonghwa said. His movement became frenzied in the simmering rage that was surfacing on his face. “There is no point in escaping when the cage has no door.”
You groaned when he jerked your head forward, then pushed it backwards, the back of your head hitting the wall. “Maybe this ought to help you, maybe this will wake you up, because clearly, nothing I do is worth your time,” he sneered, savouring the pain that registered in your eyes. “I give you everything, I feed you, dress you, love you, and this is what you repay me?”
“Hiding isn’t going to do anything for you, because I will always find you,” he continued, his words slow, deliberate, and threatening. “You think you can outsmart me, that if you stayed holed up in your room I won’t notice that you’re missing. Get this in your head.”
He leaned forward, his entire body closing in on you, wrapping you in the same darkness that swallowed the sentient part of his soul a long time ago. "I love when people think they’re smarter than me,” his lips curled into a sick grin. “It makes the chase so much worth it.”
Something in his words sobers you up immediately. With all the strength left in you, you twisted away completely from his hold, pushing him away with a scream. You breathe in and out, just watching Seonghwa’s unimpressed gait, his fists still up. They held chunks of your hair, but you didn’t care.
“What the fuck is wrong with you? You need help, Seonghwa,” you yelled in frustration, lifting your hand to tap aggressively on your head. “You are sick in the head, you delusional fuck, y-you’re…”
You trailed off, your emotions getting the best of you as they clogged up your throat. It might be wrong to talk back to him like this since it will make your situation worse, but you knew Seonghwa was done playing with you. He was slipping deeper and deeper in his delusions and there was no telling how far he’d go just to keep you.
Your heart bled, the pain in your scalp and the back of your head pounding, begging for attention. He has never been physical with you just to get what he wanted, he has gone too far now.
“You want to leave, don’t you?” Seonghwa asked softly, uncharacteristically soft compared to the crazed look in his eyes. He stepped forward, and at first, you thought he was going to corner you again, but instead, he leaned his back on the wall beside you, his head tilted upwards to stare at the ceiling. He turned his head to meet your eyes. “But you won’t. I won’t allow it. Now that I have you, I am not letting you go. Not now, not ever.”
You scoffed, but in truth, the way he said it posed fear in you. “That is not up to you. You cannot just imprison me and expect me to like you after this.”
“Oh, but I can,” he chuckled. “You’re here, aren’t you?”
He started to scoot closer, so close that you can smell his cologne that was mixed with the delusions that came along with it. It unsettled you, the only time you got close to him after you left him was when he was spreading your legs to bury himself in you whenever he’d ask you to go out for either coffee or drinks.
“You’re mine,” he said, more forceful than before. “Come on, say it. Say you’re mine. The sooner you understand that, the sooner you’ll feel better about it.”
“No,” you denied strongly with a hint of desperation in it. “I’m not yours anymore, Seonghwa, please. I just want to go home, let me go.”
He didn’t seem to hear you, that or he chose not to. A light laugh bubbled from his chest, but it wasn’t joyous - it was empty, like he was trying to convince himself that he was right and you weren’t. The two of you must’ve looked odd in the hallways, just leaning against the wall. However, to you, it felt like the hallways were crushing in on you.
“That’s the problem isn’t it? You don’t understand,” he said almost sympathetically, like he was telling these deranged things to you for your own good. You felt like you were going to get sick, it sounded more like an omen than anything else.
He was right - you didn’t. You didn’t want to understand, he could rot in hell for all you care. “Why me?” You whispered, hoarse and broken. It was the only genuine thing you wanted to know.
“Because,” he began, his hand reaching for you. His touch was cold. “When people see me, they think I’m this monster, they don’t understand,” he shook his head. “But you? You are the only one who knows what I’m truly capable of, the only one strong enough to take me as is. The only one who knows that I am actually a monster.”
It wasn’t the entire truth. Seonghwa stared at the fear in your eyes at his statement, he wanted to tell you the truth - that as messed up as it is, he just really genuinely loved you. Nothing about this was normal, but he was never going to tell you because he knew that you were never going to believe him.
The gaping hole you carved out of his heart was still there even though you were right in front of him, he would have loved you forever, and you didn’t understand that.
But that’s fine. He’ll make you, one way or another.
Your throat tightened, and despite everything in you screaming to run, you felt a tear slip down your cheek. His smile softened, and he wiped it away with a tenderness that was almost cruel.
“Seonghwa, this isn’t what you’re making it out to be, you are really unwell,” you pleaded. You hesitated, having no choice but to say the one thing that’s been weighing on you. “You have to move on, we are not meant to be. If you really loved me, you’d let me find another man to love, a normal one—-”
“I love you,” Seonghwa interrupted, the words coming out almost too quickly, exploding with the anger he was trying to repress. He glared at your face with an intensity that was borderline obsessive. “Is that not enough for you? How dare you mention another man in my presence?”
“That’s not what I said, and you know it,” you gasped, thick with terror, trying to remedy the situation.
He forced you to look at him. “So say it,” he hissed. His face twisted into something terrifying than anything you’ve seen. It was hurt, as though your refusal was the worst kind of betrayal for him. “Say you’re mine, because I will never leave you alone if you don’t.”
It was a threat, his certainty in it wrapping like noose around your neck, but the answer was still the same. “N-No,” you shook your head in defiance, more firmly this time. “I never will be.”
It was what set him off, the calmness he faked shattering before your very eyes. His hand shot out to bang his fists on the wall beside you. The sudden bout of violence made you gasp in surprise. “Fuck, you’re really testing me here,” he seethed, no longer soft, just harsh and detrimental. “God, I know you still love me, you don’t get to pretend when I know.”
He leaned closer, his face twisted with fury. He was dangerous, and you had no way out. “I’ve let you run free for a while now, my patience is waning down. I only stretched it for you and even then there’s not much I can provide you. I even let you go when you told me that bullshit about breaking up, enough is enough now,” he spat bitterly. “Come back to me.”
His words felt like a slap to your face.The sickening feeling of his warm breath against your skin felt overwhelming and your body was rendered paralyzed. You didn’t say anything, you couldn’t, not when his words echoed in your head like a broken soundtrack.
“I’m not letting you go, you hear me?” Seonghwa continued, not caring if it sounded torturous to your ears, and certainly not caring that he was basically admitting that he will completely hold you against your will. “You’re going to take what I give you, and you’re going to like it.”
But you weren’t broken yet. You stared at him blankly, not giving him the satisfaction of seeing you break down no matter how furious he got.
Seonghwa leaned in, pressing his forehead against yours. "I’m doing this for you. For us. But if you push me too far, I’m not going down alone," his voice hardened, just a little, enough to remind you of what lay beneath the surface. "It’ll hurt you, too."
The veins on his neck bulged as he held himself back when he realized you weren’t going to say anything. He really was controlling his anger, but barely.
“You will learn how to love me again,” his words were clipped as he uttered them, jaw tight and just on the edge of breaking. The air between the two of you cracked with tense energy. “No one else will love you like I do. I can’t live without you, but I will make sure that you cannot live without me, either. I’m not asking anymore.”
You didn’t understand what he was trying to tell you, but you were about to. His hands flexed slowly, his fingers stretching as if the need to reel in his rage was physically painful. He snapped them, his eyes not once leaving yours. “Get her,” he deadpanned.
Footsteps began to approach from behind you. It was, then, when hands started to restrain your form, completely immobilizing you. Rapid thoughts spun in your head, the weight of their hands oppressive. You tried to pull away in an attempt to break free, but their grip was just too strong. You stared wildly at Seonghwa, eyes widened as you screamed on the inside.
“You can’t leave,” he muttered, his voice cold and detached, full with promise. “I will do everything in my power to find you, because I will. And when I do, I will make sure you never, ever leave me again.”
He turned around, his back facing you with finality, the true madness of his love setting in your bones. “Take her away and lock the doors.”
“N-No, wait, you can’t do this,” you clenched your jaw, resisting the arms that gripped tight on yours as they tried to drag you away. “Seonghwa! No, please, Park Seonghwa, let me go!”
But you were dragged, anyway, from your tormentor. There was a sharp tug in your arm, the force of it so strong that it made you stumble. They didn’t even wait until you got your balance back, resorting to dragging your limp body.
Each step forward felt like you were walking towards a nightmare you had no control over, and when you reached the guest room, you realized that you knew one of the people who was leading you to your personal hell. You were pushed forward, and before the door shut, possibly forever, you called out to them.
“Wait, Wooyoung, please, wait,” you begged, quickly dashing towards the door to hold it open. “I really need to talk to you, please…”
His eyes held hesitation, but probably after seeing how distressed you were, he closed his eyes and let out the heaviest sigh known to mankind. He turns his head on the other person that dragged you, the rougher one. “Get lost,” he ordered, his face contorted into something intimidating.
But when he closed the door to lean on it, his eyes were the softest you have ever seen. It held sympathy and understanding for your situation, but you weren’t a fool - you knew his loyalties would always lie with Seonghwa.
“The majority of us were betting on your escape, you know?” Wooyoung looked up as he leaned against the doorframe, his hands on his back. “Seonghwa and you were perfect for each other, but that came with a price.”
“Wooyoung,” you sighed.
“Let me finish since I can’t be seen here,” his eyes were hooded as he put a finger on his lips to indicate the decrease of his voice. “Keep it down.“
He pointed at the earpiece he wore, one that everyone wore since Halazia was massive. His face turned rigid with worry before he turned back to you. “Seonghwa just sent Yunho to the brig for a week.”
You paled, your jaw hanging low in shock. The brig. It was basically a glorified underground cell where they kept whomever they pleased. You wanted to tear up, Yunho went to your defense at the risk of being punished, but as always, Seonghwa knew everything.
The fact that he sent one of his closest friends from his personal team said a lot.
“You’re not going to get far in escape, not like before,” his voice was low, almost soothing like he was trying to calm you down and not make you feel trapped. “You are never going to make it far.” Wooyoung’s eyes turned sadder even further. “I-I can’t do anything to help you, I’m sorry.”
You wanted badly to escape, you know he could see it in your eyes, but there was nothing he could do. You swallowed all the emotions that threatened to break you on the surface. “I can’t stay here,” you tried to convince him. “I don’t belong here, Wooyoung.”
“You don’t want to mess with Seonghwa,” he shook his head with equal conviction. “He’s my liege, and I cannot forsake him. He’s the greatest, most notorious criminal known yet, however, I think you underestimate how far he’ll go just to keep you,” he paused, hesitating. “I would very much like you to stay alive, Y/N.”
Shivers traveled from the base of your spine to the tips of your scalp. “I don’t know what to do,” you squeaked, the defeat weighing down your body. “I don’t want to be his prisoner, I-I can’t live like this…”
He formed his lips into a thin line, his eyes softening as he started to walk towards you in small, careful steps. “I’m not going to pretend it’s alright, because it’s not,” he sat beside you on the bed, his weight dipping on the mattress. He had always been a friend to you. “It takes someone strong to be with Seonghwa, let alone deny him. This is the man that got whatever he wanted no matter how immoral it got. This isn’t the way, Y/N.”
You shook your head frantically, grabbing his hand to squeeze it. “Belonging to him, relinquishing my soul to him, you might as well gag me at that point.”
He put his other hand on top of yours, enveloping it with a much needed warmth that comforted you even though his eyes held pity. “You don’t have to belong to him,” he whispered, voice barely audible. “I’m asking you to stop fighting him.”
Your head snapped up to counteract his ridiculous claim, but he shook his head and continued. “Don’t you get it? There is no escaping him. He will find you even if you’re in the middle of God-knows-where,” he let out a sigh that seemed to carry a lot of burden in it. “I’m saying this for you, because there is no way out where he doesn’t hurt you.”
The finality of what’s been boggling your mind was crushing. You knew that there was no easy way out, but it still hurt to hear. “I’m not going to give up, even if it kills me,” you gritted your teeth, your determination setting fire in your guts.
“Y/N, please,” Wooyoung begged, squeezing your hand tighter. “For what is Yunho in the brig? For what did Jongho drive you away from here back then? And for what did I take Seonghwa’s punch when he realized I was distracting him? He’s not going to let you go, not now, especially not after everything.”
You shut your eyes tightly to reign in your oncoming migraine. “So, what? I’m just supposed to surrender and let him do anything to me? This isn’t love, it’s possession.”
“If you accept this,” he gulped with reluctance. “If you stop fighting, Seonghwa will go easy on you. It’s easier if you stop running.”
Wooyoung searched your eyes, hoping that he conveyed all the sincerity he could possibly offer you given the situation, but all you could see was the sadness and resignation - he didn’t believe in what he was saying, but he had no choice but to.
“Let it go, please,” he whispered, hoarse and defeated. “I’m not saying this for his sake, it’s for you. This will break you, Y/N.”
You shook your head once more. “I can’t give this up, I’m sorry. If I want the easy way out, I would stay here and just take it.”
His eyes sharpened, his brows furrowing into what resembled annoyance, but it still held the pity that Yunho had before you went inside the dresser. “I’m not asking you to give up,” he begged, anger and affection mixed into one. “I’m asking you to stop a battle you know you can’t win.”
You didn’t say anything after that, and his eyes dropped into accepting that you weren’t going to listen to anything he was saying. You’ve made up your mind. Heavy silence stretched between the two of you until, finally, Wooyoung got up to walk to the door. You can see him manually working on his well-crafted mask, but when he turned back to look at you, there was that softness underneath.
“You didn’t hear me say that three days from now, there will be a bust where Seonghwa has to be present, and you certainly didn’t hear from me that underneath your bed is a trapdoor that leads directly to the outdoor garden, one that Seonghwa doesn’t know,” he murmured. There were escape routes Seonghwa purposefully had no knowledge of in case he gets held as a hostage.
He opened the door to let himself out. “And I’m not telling you that Jongho will be waiting for you.”
You couldn’t wait for Seonghwa to leave, it was killing you to wait this long. He hasn’t bothered you at all, presumably because he was very angry at you, but more so since he was planning with the rest of his team, Ateez, about the so-called bust that they will do away from Halazia.
In the meantime, you tried the door again. It wasn’t that you didn’t trust Wooyoung, but you didn’t want to risk it. It might either be a trap, or he might get in trouble and accompany Yunho in the brig if Seonghwa finds out.
You jumped away from the door, your heart skipping a beat, when the doorknob you were tinkering with suddenly twisted and turned. You backed yourself back on the bed as your door creaked open to reveal someone you weren’t pleased to see.
Mingi stood by the doorway, staring at you in amusement, his eyes flickering between you and the doorknob. You internally cursed, you knew you had been caught. He was most likely outside guarding the door when you tried it.
“Just when I thought you couldn’t be stupid enough,” he smirked, mildly annoyed. “Why are you trying to run away again? You just never learn, do you?”
You weren’t expecting to see him, in fact, you were surprised that he was put on guard duty. That was probably why he was pissed. Frankly, Mingi terrified you. He was just one of those members that openly showed his dislike towards you. His presence constantly reminded you of your captivity.
“Don’t project yourself on me,” you scoffed, riling him up. You weren’t going to give him the satisfaction of seeing you nervous. “Seonghwa put you on babysit duty. You must hate that.”
He laughed. “I suppose I see the appeal of why Seonghwa has been obsessed with you,” he mockingly tilted his head. “Stop trying, you have zero chance of leaving. Not while I’m here.”
“I’m not your prisoner,” you shot back, clenching your fists to your side. “He can claim me all he wants or force me, but I’m never going to belong to him like a doll. And you are, too.”
His eyes twitched in annoyance, stalking towards you, his arms still crossed. He leaned forward, making you back up in apprehension. “That may be so,” he chuckled darkly. “But I’m not the one who is caged like a fucking bird right now.”
"You think you can just run off like this?" Mingi continued, his voice low, his eyes glinting with amusement. "You really believe you have a chance?"
Mingi leaned away with a satisfied smirk, his arrogance and cruel enjoyment of your struggle really coming through. He was trying to break your resolve with his words, trying to make you believe that escaping is futile, when in reality, it couldn’t be farther from the truth.
Your hands clenched to your sides, controlling your urge to sock Mingi directly in the face not because you were scared to hurt him, but because you were scared that he’ll hit back. “That’s not going to stop me from trying, you brute.”
“Oh, I’m sure you will,” he waved off, backing away towards the door again. “But the thing is,” he paused to taunt you. “You’re not as clever as you think you are. Even if you get past me, you’ll have to get past Yeosang after.”
You paled, your nerves setting your insides on fire. Yeosang wasn’t nearly as infuriating as Mingi, but he was equally as loyal and cruel.
You had to leave now.
“Anyway,” Mingi turned the doorknob to leave, but not without glancing back at you with a sneer. “I will admit, you have balls for leaving him the first time, but Seonghwa already made up his mind this time. He won’t let you go, so I suggest you accept that now.”
And then he left. You glanced at the spot where Wooyoung told you that there would be a door. Truth be told, you haven’t checked yet; you were terrified that Seonghwa was going to walk in any minute and decide to put you somewhere else.
But there was no time to waste. You waited half an hour to make sure that Mingi wasn’t hanging around before you grabbed a blanket to slide under the feet of the bed to prevent any sounds before pushing it away enough for you to crawl underneath it with ease, and lo and behold. Your mouth felt dry as you stared at the handle of the trapdoor that could potentially lead you to your freedom.
You closed your eyes, praying that there truly was freedom on the other side, that Wooyoung would be safe, and that Yunho wouldn’t stay in the brig for too long. And after this, you will be gone forever.
Waiting until midnight would be the best option for you. Granted, it would also be the time where Seonghwa’s guards would be more alert, but it was a safer bet than somebody potentially walking in the room and chasing you down the trapdoor. Shivers crept up your spine at the thought of getting dragged back.
The silence was killing you, but your thoughts completely annihilated your sanity. You could just picture Seonghwa’s face etched with fury as he realized that you had, once more, escaped under his nose. But you also couldn’t help but think of the hurt that shone in his eyes. All he wanted was you, and you couldn’t fully fault his deranged mind, but you wanted to be free.
As you knelt to grasp the handle the moment that midnight striked, your breaths turned shallow and laboured. You gulped, willing the tremors from your fingertips to go away. You couldn’t falter, not now. With a jolt of adrenaline, you pulled it open, wincing as it creaked, which was a telltale sign of prolonged unuse. You just hoped no one heard it.
You released a breath you were holding when it revealed a ladder that led down, and that there was a dim light illuminating bits of the wooden ladder. That meant that you were nearer the exit than you thought you were.
A faint noise outside your door makes you freeze. You swiftly glanced at the direction, waiting for the moment that Seonghwa would burst in and see you holding a halfway opened trapdoor, but nothing.
Without another thought, you quickly jumped into action, going down the ladder, your foot hitting the first step as your hand slowly closed the tradoor above you. The moment you did, there was slight relief that coated your chest, it was one step to freedom after all.
It wasn’t fully dark in the damp passageway, the concrete was still visible from where you were walking as that faint light from the exit shone on it as if it was guiding you to your freedom.
When you were sure you were far from where you came from, you broke into a sprint, running literally for your life. Your legs screamed in protest, not used to exerting energy from the weeks that Seonghwa held you captive, but you didn’t stop. You were scared that he’ll catch and snatch you from behind.
But that didn’t happen. After what felt like an eternity, the passageway began to narrow until you hit a deadend with another ladder, only this time, it led above. Your desperation was hitting you at an all time high - you climbed the ladder without any hesitation, not even stopping to think if there was someone potentially dangerous waiting for you on the other side.
Before you were even fully out, hands were already pulling you out from your armpits until you hit a hard chest. When you looked up, a sigh of relief escaped from your chest.
“Jongho,” you whispered, your voice cracking at the solace that his presence had brought you. Wooyoung had not been lying.
Your heart pounded in your chest. It wasn’t like Seonghwa wasn’t going to find out, because he will, but you hoped that Wooyoung and Jongho will be able to buy themselves sometime before then.
“We have to hurry, there’s not much time left,” he hastily pulled you in a run, his voice strained with panic as he kept looking behind him. “There will be guards stationed here in less than five minutes, we have to get to the car by then.”
Your face paled, but you forced yourself to nod, anyway, working your muscles to pick the pace to match Jongho’s, but it was getting difficult. “Are you going to be okay?” You asked, panting hard.
Jongho’s hand held your arm as he practically pushed you forward, shaking his head. “I told San that I was going to check the other side of the property and station on it for a while. It should be enough for me to drive you to your place, but it will be tight.”
“We’re not going to make it,” you panicked, calculating everything in your head and visualizing the outcome.
His jaw set into a hard line and before you could say anything else, he stopped, shoved you behind him, and squatted down. “Hurry,” he barked a command. “Climb on my back, it’ll be faster.”
You hesitated, your nerves getting the best of you, and he could tell. “Climb! Hurry, please!” Jongho hissed, eyes widened in pure panic, as he flailed his arms to gesture for you.
It was the best course of action. Whether it was the adrenaline or the sheer terror of the situation, Jongho had a burst of strength that allowed him to reach the car faster than it would’ve taken both of you had it not been for his fast thinking. He quickly opens the door to practically shove you inside it before slamming it close, and before you knew it, you were driving away.
The drive back to your apartment was tense. Jongho instructed you to pack as little as possible. Yunho had suggested that they take you to the motel that was on the enemy’s territory. It wasn’t foolproof, but it would lessen the odds of Seonghwa finding you faster before you could fully get away. Even Seonghwa didn’t mess with another mafia’s territory.
“I can’t check you in,” Jongho said as he parked in front of the said motel. “They will recognize me. Use cash from now on, Seonghwa will be able to trace your cards.”
You felt a rush of emotions, a mixture of gratitude and regret. Seonghwa will punish him when he goes back, you could see the small fear behind Jongho’s eyes. You bit your lips, leaning in on his space before pulling him into a tight embrace. “I don’t know what I would’ve done without you,” you sniffled, tears pooling in your eyes.
He pulled you away to stare at you. “I had a promise to you back then,” he said, softness in his eyes. You were the one who got Jongho a ‘job’ at Seonghwa’s manor after you found him homeless one day. He promised you his life then and there. You didn’t know he’d be a ruthless killer one day.
He held you by the shoulders, pushing you away slightly. “Now go, and please, do not let me see you again.”
With one more grateful nod, you walked away without looking back. Jongho sighed, he really hoped you made the most out of tonight. It was basically a suicide mission for him.
The drive back to the manor was the most tense he has ever felt. By now, he was sure that Seonghwa knew that you were gone by now, the only reason why he was still breathing was because he wouldn’t find out yet that he helped you do the impossible. Time was the enemy.
And he was right. The moment he got out of the car, voices in his in-ear comms were calling everyone to Seonghwa’s office for an emergency meeting. Jongho took deep, calculated breaths, practicing the mask that he was taught before going in to face everybody as if nothing had happened.
Wooyoung hastily approached him, grabbing his arm to lag behind everybody as he leaned his body towards him. “Success?” He asked tentatively as quietly as possible. Jongho raised a brow in confirmation, not wanting to move anything else for the fear of someone listening in.
The air in the office was thick, everyone piled in one by one in random spots. Personally for Jongho, he always preferred being near the exit, but he had to stick with Wooyoung this time.
Seonghwa was just standing in front of his desk, arms crossed as he watched everyone with his sharp eyes. That was the thing with him; he never needed to shout nor demand, he was just naturally intimidating. His presence was suffocating, his eyes eerily calm.
He’d be a fool if he said he wasn’t expecting this, like Seonghwa had said once, you were the only one strong enough to match his flame. He knew that there would be a time that you’d escape again, but he wasn’t expecting it to come sooner.
“Someone messed up,” he said softly, too softly. He gazes at them one by one, none of them meeting his eye. “One of you fucked up.”
Jongho tentatively watched as everyone shifted with unease. Mingi and Yeosang shared a tense glance, but he resisted the urge to jump back when he saw that San was already staring at him with suspicion. He gulped, holding eye contact, anyway.
Hongjoong, ever the calm one, steps forward, the edge of his voice betraying his unease. “I’m sure she hasn’t gotten far—”
“Stop,” Seonghwa’s voice was even quieter this time, but it was the type of quiet that made everyone’s back stiffen. He tilted his head, his eyes narrowing as he leaned away from the table to walk past everyone. His expression was unreadable, but Jongho didn’t want to guess what he was thinking.
For a while, he doesn’t say anything. The silence in the room screamed louder than any rage could, and for once, everyone wished he would just burst out. This calm, quiet fury was more petrifying. Seonghwa wasn’t angry - not yet.
San looks away from Jongho, sensing the shift, and speaks up with Hongjoong. “We’ve already checked the perimeter…”
San faltered when Seonghwa cut him off with a single glance, shifting uncomfortably when his boss didn't even acknowledge him, lest you count the slow nodding of his head. It was the only indicator of his thoughts, minus the tight clenching of his fists on his chest.
“Find her,” Seonghwa murmured, his words clipped and deliberate. “And find her quickly.”
Jongho felt Wooyoung shift forward. He wanted to stop him, but that would raise suspicion so he just bit his lip. “We might not be able to this time,” Wooyoung cleared his throat. “We might fail.”
“Your incompetence doesn’t constitute understanding on my end,” Seonghwa said, stepping in front of them so his back was turned towards everybody else. “So don’t fail me.”
Jongho’s heart dropped to his foot when Seonghwa passed him a fleeting glance, a small smirk painted on his lips before he turned back around again. Seonghwa knew, he fucking knew.
“Boss,” Mingi called out. “Don’t you think maybe this is a sign to not let Y/N back?”
The room suddenly turned cold, the silence of his statement almost deafening to everyone’s ears. Seonghwa raised a brow in challenge. “And why is that, my dear Mingi?”
“My loyalties lie with you, my liege,” Mingi spoke, his tone cautious since he knew he was treading on thin ice. “Y/N is a distraction to the operation.”
Everyone held their breath, the tension was undeniable. Seonghwa’s eyes narrow, his pupils dilating ever so slightly as his lips form into a tight, thin line. “I had no idea you’ve gone senile,” he said. “But I respect the audacity.”
In a split second, Seonghwa’s fist connects with Mingi’s guts. The taller groan in surprise, coughing in agony as he clutched his stomach in pain. “Now, now Mingi, you can’t just dish out something and not learn how to take it,” Seonghwa chuckled darkly, tapping the latter on his cheek mockingly.
“You said you respected it,” Mingi coughed out some more.
“I do, as a matter of fact, I do respect you a lot now. But I didn’t say I wouldn’t harm any of you.”
The threat hangs around the air, looming heavily upon them. ”We’ll find her,” Yeosang spoke for the first time, his tone full of promise.
They were used to this side of Seonghwa, but tonight, there was something slightly different about the rage that brewed in his eyes. His patience was what truly made him terrifying, this was true power; something you had never seen since Seonghwa made sure not to.
“You better,” he simply said. “Or your loyalty won’t be enough to save any of you. One more word about Y/N, I will put the fear of God in all of you. Now, get out.”
No one wasted any time scurrying out the room as if it was on fire. The moment the door shuts behind them, Seonghwa’s calm shatters.
His rage boils over, and with a single swipe of his hand, papers that were neatly placed on his desk all fall on the floor, shattering the nearby picture frame that held your face. The sound of crashing glass rings through his office.
Seonghwa bangs his hands on the desk, his breaths coming in rugged and raw. When he saw the broken picture frame, like a man possessed, he smashes it further with a solid step of his foot over and over again. The glass shatters completely, it rains down like the shards of his crumbling control.
“You fucking,” he forcefully brings his fists down on the picture frame, not caring for the glass shards that punctured his skin. “Bitch.”
“Fuck,” he hissed, the walls shaking as he kicked the nearby cabinet that contained some of his whiskey bottles. He doesn’t care as the slew of expensive bottles came crashing towards the floor. “Fuck!”
The sound of it made everybody freeze from outside the door. Wooyoung’s knuckles turned white behind his hands as he winced at the loud bang from inside the room. “Should we, uhm,” he started, not daring to finish his sentence.
Yeosang’s eyes widened. “We have to stop him before he—”
“No,” Hongjoong snapped sharply. “Are you crazy? You do not want to go in there.”
Another crash sounds, and Jongho’s jaw tightens. He was glad you weren’t here, because this was the worst Seonghwa has ever been with his rage. He watched MIngi’s eyes tick at the next serieses of growls and roars from Seonghwa.
The stay at the motel was the most peaceful yet tense four days of your life. You couldn’t sleep properly at night, half expecting someone in the middle of the day to burst in and just drag you back to Halazia where Seonghwa would be waiting to imprison you again.
You couldn’t stay there anymore, and that’s why you were on your way to the bus station to finally get away. You already talked to one of your sisters, Jinhee, who called you in a panic the other morning when someone was apparently inconspicuously looking for you. You both decided to stay at your other sister’s place, but Jinah wasn’t answering when you tried to call.
The bus stop was quiet, something you appreciated for once given your hectic life track as of late. Your thoughts were a mess, but you were hopeful for peace the moment you got on the bus.
You tried to look for somewhere to sit while you waited, but the nearest one had somebody seated on it. He wore a dark hat that obscured his face, not that it mattered since the newspaper he held and read covered his entire face, anyway.
You hesitated, strange unease settling in the pit of your stomach. You shook it off, choosing to sit at the far corner of the bench to avoid interaction, convincing yourself that it was probably just the nerves making you paranoid.
“Chilly day,” the man started casually all of a sudden. His voice was rich in timbre, and it sounded familiar. “Autumn’s slowly catching up now, isn’t it?”
Your heart rate picked up a notch, taken aback by the unwarranted small talk. You glanced in his direction briefly, that dread spreading through your veins, and now that you thought about it, he sounded oddly familiar.
“Yeah,” you forced out a reply, not willing to engage, trying your best to calm down. After all this, you just couldn’t shake the bad feeling in your chest.
“Traveling far? I’d say it’s dangerous for a young lady like you,” he commented, adjusting himself to scoot closer to you.
Alarm bells went off your head as you felt your skin prickle with the attention. You wanted to say that it was none of his business, and now that you listened closer, he didn’t even sound that old, either. “Sure,” you said quickly. “Just want to get away from this city.”
“Good idea,” he chuckled, shuffling the newspaper and folding it away from his face. “I mean, if people were chasing me from hell under, I would run far, far away as well, but you see…”
Your breath was completely snuffed out of your lungs when the man took the hat off of his face, his head turning towards you with a slow, amused smile. “Like we all said, there was no point in running, Y/N,” San’s voice dropped into a whisper. “I like you, Y/N, I really do, but you are one stubborn girl. He does care for you, you know? It’s sick and obsessive, but he does. And now all he wants to do is hurt you.”
Your froze, your blood hardening into ice. The panic hit you like a tidal wave, where had you gone wrong? You made sure to do everything that Jongho told you to do, made sure that you left no traces of yourself, so how? You felt so stupid for not recognizing San so fast.
You shoved yourself up from the bench, but before you could take a step, his hand shot out, grabbing your wrist with a vice-like grip. “Not so fast,” he murmured, his voice cold now, his earlier casualness gone.
You yanked your arm, but he only tightened his hold. “We’re going back,” he said, his tone final. “And you’re not getting away this time. Unless, you want all the people in here jeopardized,” he gestured his hand all over the station. “Look closer.”
Every instinct screaming at you to run, to fight, to do something, but when you looked around, something didn’t feel right, and then you saw them.
Shivers went up your spine as you recognized some of Seonghwa’s men blended into the crowd like normal people. They were planted, hidden in plain sight, like the briefest flash of the gun tucked in their pants that you knew by now how to spot. They were willing to endanger the people around you just to take you.
It was over. You had no choice but to follow San as he escorted you to the car, the door shutting with a sickening finality. This was the worst case scenario, you’d rather have Mingi because as much of a brute he was, you could predict his actions, with San, you never knew what he was thinking.
Angry tears of shame and sorrow began flowing from your eyes. You knew that this was it for you, your second chance had flown away. Seonghwa and his men had no mercy, and now you’re learning that the hard way.
San wasted no time dragging you out of the car towards your apartment, to your surprise,, but you no longer cared about him, it was Seonghwa that you feared - always had. You could feel it even before you saw him; Seonghwa’s constricting presence was always controlled but deadly.
You were shoved inside the familiar space of your living room, and you didn’t even have to look up to know that he was there, you could just feel him. His power, his rage, hung in the air like thick smoke.
Seonghwa was at the other side of the room, his gaze meeting yours, steady and unwavering. You swallowed your nerves, but there was no point. He just stared at you without any anger or frustration in his face, and perhaps, that was the worst part in all of this. You knew him well enough to see through his well-crafted mask.
You opened your mouth to say something - anything - but what would you say? There was no way you were going to apologize or make any excuses, but the silence was unbearable. Seonghwa wasn’t going to break it anytime soon, but he had no need to. His judging eyes were enough to make you weak in the knees.
He began to walk forward, the clacking of his shoes beneath his feet loud enough to make you wince, and when he reached you, he made no move to touch you like he always did. He did nothing.
Nothing, except hand you a lighter for you to take. “Light it up,” he spoke.
His words were quiet, but there was no mistaking that command in it. Your hands were shaking, having difficulty flicking the lighter open, and it certainly didn’t help that Seonghwa was staring you down. Though you currently hated him, you were careful not to burn his face as your hand neared the cigarette trapped between his lips.
“Open.”
He wasn’t asking, he was instructing. You froze at the implication and everything instinct in you screamed for you to run and resist, but you leaned in as he inhaled deeply before taking the stick out of his mouth and blowing the smoke into yours. The taste of it was raw and bitter, it curled into your lungs along with something else; something that sent a rush of heat towards your chest at the intimacy.
For a while, he didn’t say anything, and you wished that it remained that way even though you were scared that the control he held of himself was going to shatter.
“You think you can walk away from me?” Seonghwa finally spoke again, his voice low, still calm, but it cut through the silence like a blade. “Open.”
It was difficult, but you managed not to cough your lungs out at the heavy puff of smoke that almost made you want to gag. But Seonghwa didn’t care. “Keep your trap open until I tell you to close them,” he ordered with a low snarl.
You did as told, the fear completely paralyzing you. His voice was still controlled, his rage was held so tightly within him that it was like the room was vibrating with the power of it. Tears pooled from the corners of your eyes as Seonghwa still blew, and finally, he threw the cigarette butt away somewhere in the middle of the destruction.
“That’s a good girl,” he chuckled darkly. You yelped when he held your jaw tightly in his hand. “Why can’t you be this obedient all the fucking time?”
His grip tightened, not with the frantic violence of someone losing control, but with the calm, methodical pressure of someone who knew exactly how far they could push before breaking someone completely. "Why can’t you behave, huh? Why?"
You faltered, absolutely not liking the way that sounded in your head. You crossed your arms, the fear you had for him completely fizzing out and dying in your chest. “Now, hold on just a second,” you seethed, all the stress of running away and getting caught chasing your filter away.
Seonghwa’s brow raised. It certainly made him curious, so he let you continue. “Seonghwa, you practically kidnapped me with the notion of letting me go afterwards, and when I try to get away from this hell, you drag me down with you. Did you honestly think that I'm a possession you can cling to?”
You were definitely digging your grave deeper and deeper the more you opened your mouth, but you couldn’t take it anymore. All the hurt, the anxiety, the waiting for when Seongha will finally snap was driving you to the wall. You didn’t know how to carry all of this burden alone.
You took a step forward in a burst of confidence, jutting your finger on his chest and prodding him with it like a child. “Enough is enough, Seonghwa,” you said, your voice low and firm. “We were through, we aren’t together anymore. I don’t belong to you, and I sure as hell don’t want to belong to you anymore.”
He clenched his fists, a flicker of hurt crossing his face. Seonghwa opened his mouth to argue like you knew he would, but you cut him off, your voice stronger than you’ve ever heard it before as you finally stood up to him and stood your ground. “I’ve had enough of you trying to cage me like an animal, you sick fuck. You don’t get to suffocate me with your obsession, you don’t get to decide how I fucking live, breath, and exist.”
Tears stung your eyes. They were a mixture of rage and betrayal. The weight of it all was finally breaking through. “You don’t get to guilt me for wanting to live my life, especially without you, why can’t you understand?”
For a moment, Seonghwa’s gaze softened, as if he was finally looking through you for the first time in a while in a different light. He tentatively raised a hand to hold onto you, and his intentions were pure this time as his hand hovered in the air, but he flinched when you yanked your arm away sharply.
It was too late, you didn’t need that. There was guilt written all over his face, had he really gone too far this time?
“You were never really here for me,” you continued, shaking your head bitterly.
You were done. Done being scared of him, done of losing yourself because of him. Done loving him. “You want to keep a convoluted version of me that you formed in your head, that one that would just stay and follow your every whim, but that’s not who I am, Seonghwa.”
He stood frozen in his spot, his chest caving in as guilt made its way to his heart. He had never intended to fully hurt you, to make you feel that way you did, and for that, he was sorry to a certain extent. Seonghwa’s hand trembled, his palms slick with sweat as angry tears flew down your pretty face. He almost felt bad for you.
Almost.
“The thing I regret the most is you, Seonghwa,” you whispered firmly, but thick with emotion. “I regret ever meeting you and what happened after, but most of all, I regret not leaving you sooner.”
His eyes dropped, the weight of your words crushing his form. “Don’t say that,” he muttered, his voice shaky. His shoulders were slumped, a far cry from his angry and straight they were when you arrived. “I just,” he paused, closing his eyes to take a deep breath. “As fucked up as this is, I do love you, I still do.”
Your breath hitched at your words. “No, Seonghwa. You don’t know what love is, and even if you do, you love me a bit too much that you’re not allowing me to leave a little for myself because you want it all.”
“But, don’t say that you regret everything,” he said exasperatedly. “I loved you with all that I have, I will continue that until I cease to exist. Remember when we went on that trip where you told me you finally loved me, too? Or when we both would stay up all night to watch the stars while we talked about our future?”
He held your hands, almost desperately, as his words just spilled out from him without thinking. “Those were real, that was us, and you might not believe me, but I swear on Ateez those were all true. You can’t deny them.”
It was true that you and Seonghwa had good moments where you wanted them to last forever, but they felt distant, like a fleeting dream that never happened. “I don’t regret our moments,” you pulled your hands away. “I regret that you twisted them into something dark.”
You wanted to deny what he said to make him feel a fraction of all the hardships he had brought upon you, but you couldn’t. Just like his actions, you could never take back your words. I did the right thing, you thought, your heart aching as you stared at the lone tear that fell from Seonghwa’s eye.
He wasn’t the only one. You weren’t ready to let go either, but this was a start. It was a truth you weren’t going to admit to his face. You were in love with Park Seonghwa, and you couldn’t breathe because you always will be, but love wasn’t supposed to hurt like this. Love can never be designed.
Seonghwa stiffened, his mind reeling with all the things you’ve finally let out for him to hear. I regret everything. It echoed like a broken record in his head, and yet, a part of him couldn’t let go. He shook his head, trying to reel in his thoughts before they no longer became his, trying to pull in the beast that was threatening to break free from his mind.
But your words reverberated in his skull, the pressure building on it from the suffocating guilt that covered his head. He didn’t want to hurt you anymore, but it was too late.The realization was like a punch to his gut, and he had no one to blame but himself.
You watched him fight his demons, slight fear coming back into your chest, but you waited to see what he’s going to do.
Seonghwa’s breathing became ragged and laboured as he tried to massage his temples into coherency. Why didn’t he just let you the first time? No, he was doing what he thought was right, because his all-consuming love needed you so much. His mind grew darker and before he could lash out, he walked away from you and turned around.
For a long moment, silence filled the room. You watched Seonghwa try and compose himself, his hands shaking repeatedly while his head shook back and forth. It was like Seonghwa was actively trying to cast out and fight the demons that tried to possess his soul before it could completely take over him.
But when he turned around, the look in his eyes told you that it was too late. Seonghwa knew it was too late, he had done too much, the only way to move was forward.
“I want to kill you,” he softly admitted. “To finally stop your ghost from haunting me. But I can’t live without you.”
The confession left a painful tightness in your throat, but you remained strong and steadfast. You weren’t even angry anymore, you were just tired of him walking over you. “You’ve gone mad,” you stated. “Scaring me isn’t the way to go about this.”
“It is better to be feared than loved, if I cannot have both,” he replied rhetorically, digging into the waist of his pants to pull out a pistol. He stood there, not lifting it yet, but the way he gripped the cold metal of the gun had you trembling in your spot.
You didn’t move - you couldn’t move. Seonghwa’s guilt mixed with his anger, twisting his mind into something else. He never lost control like this, but he had also never felt his heart break into a million pieces like this.
The gun shook in his hand, the barrel still aimed at the floor. It was wrong and he knew it, but you were his everything, and now, not only were you walking away from him, but you were completely disintegrating in his head into nothing but somebody that he used to know.
“Seonghwa,” you whispered, barely audible from the demons that screamed in your own head. “Don’t make me leave like this, please, put the gun down.”
He didn’t move, didn’t say anything. It was worse than you thought, his mind was far more gone than you thought possible. You continued, swallowing your nerves down, more than ready to plead for your life. “Please, Seonghwa. I’m no one, just L/N Y/N, a 27-year old nobody,” your voice cracked.
Your legs finally gave out and you chose to sit on the floor. You looked up at him, putting your hands up like some sort of Hail Mary. “I was a nobody you stumbled upon in that restaurant, I was born in a dinky little town you had no idea existed. My parents are both teachers, and I have two sisters. Please Seonghwa, I haven’t done anything at all in this life, I haven’t lived, I’ve barely just begun, please, I haven’t finished anything at all.”
You sniffled, trying to keep your tears at bay. “D-Don’t kill me,” you pleaded. “I don’t want to die.”
Seonghwa contemplates. You practically watched the gears in Seonghwa’s head turn, his mind racing in a frantic spiral. You were surprised when he gave you the gun, grabbing your hand ro wrap it around the handle, kneeling down to your level on the floor, and pointed the barrel at himself, the tip pressing on his forehead.
“If you shoot me, what will you leave behind?” Seonghwa asked.
Your heart twisted violently at the odd question. It was more cruel than pointing the gun at you, because you knew that your answer would be dependent on whether you will live or not.
“A world without you,” you answered without hesitation.
You couldn't take Seonghwa's unnecessary obsession with you anymore. Seonghwa stared at you, his brows furrowing as he internalized the answer that you gave him.
"Go ahead and shoot, dove," Seonghwa said. "It's the only way you'll ever be free of me."
You stood frozen in your spot, the gun feeling cold in your hands. You've dreamt of this for so long, about completely ridding yourself of Seonghwa so you could get back the freedom he had stolen from you a long time ago. He looked vulnerable and open, while you were given a chance to make that dream come true.
And yet, you couldn't do it.
And Seonghwa knew you couldn't do it. He smirked. You screamed, a pitiful attempt at it, as he dismantled you and grabbed the gun back, only this time, it was pointing at you, instead. "You could have pulled the trigger and painted the walls with my brain," he taunted, cocking the safety lever. "Let's play a game of Russian Roulette."
"What's that going to accomplish?"
"If you give me a minute, I could change your mind," he shrugged. "But if you give me a bullet, I could change your life."
Seonghwa points a gun at your face, point blank, the nozzle pressing down your forehead. "What say you, Y/N?"
He was crazy. You closed your eyes, resigning to your fate. Seonghwa pulls the trigger, and then nothing. You couldn’t believe it, but still, you heaved a sigh of relief. You should have known that the gun was empty.
When you opened your eyes again, Seonghwa was livid. You release a cry that you've been holding. He grabbed your head, furious. "The love I'm willing to give you terrifies you, but death doesn't?”
This was it. It was this moment that will forever haunt you, because this was the moment that you knew something in Seonghwa had snapped.
Your breath got caught in your throat, the reality of the situation sinking in on you. His eyes gleamed with insanity, his pupils dilated with something wild and manic, and the feverish look in them twisted with madness that made your blood run cold. There was nothing human about it. Seonghwa was beyond saving.
“You’re scaring me, Seonghwa, please, let go,” you trembled in his grip, but he didn’t even notice. He was so lost.
“You think love is supposed to be sweet, gentle, or some other bullshit that’s supposed to feel good?” Seonghwa gnarled with unsettling fervor, nails digging into your skin. He shook his head violently. “No, it’s supposed to be consuming, something that takes everything. Just like what you’ve taken from me.”
“I didn’t take anything from you,” you thrashed around from his grip when his other hand held your hips to settle you, not caring if he scratched you at this point with the other. “S-Seonghwa, stop it!”
At the height of your desperation, you collapsed onto the floor with him, it was how hard he was gripping your waist as he tried to run away. His hands slam onto the ground when he ended up underneath him, but what truly horrified you was when he threw his head back and started laughing out loud.
It was no longer the laugh of a regular person, the sound of it was shrill, hollow, and maddened. “Let me explain something to you,” he gritted his teeth, leaning down. “Love can be nurtured and rebuilt. It’s a pathetic attempt to construct something out of nothing, and I will dismantle and reshape yours until you look at me with the same love you used to look at me with before you—”
Your hand flew to his face before you could think, slapping his cheek with such force the crack of it was so loud against the room. You were horrified, you didn’t mean to hurt him, but the idea of what he was saying just sickened you because love can’t be molded from blood and pain. Seonghwa’s eyes darted towards yours, and for a split second, he looked betrayed.
That is, until his face contorted into something grotesque, and he grabbed your hands. You paled, because he started banging his head on your fists violently as he screamed, a horrible primal sound that came from within his guts.
“No, no, no!” Seonghwa bellowed like a madman. “I just want you to love me—”
“Seonghwa, stop it, stop!” You screamed, trying to pry your hands back from him because you were genuinely scared now, not even caring that your hands were hurting really bad from the hardness of his head.
“Stop!”
He paused, eyes bulged with fury. He lets go of your hands and you let them fall to your sides as you watch him get off of you to drop on his knees and bang his fists on your wooden floor. “I can’t take this anymore,” his breath came in jagged rasps. “I”m not crazy, fuck. Fucking hell, Y/N. I just want you.”
He broke down. You sat down, completely scooting away from him, watching as his tears fell down. His sobs, you were terrified of how guttural and broken they sounded. It was the image of a man who had lost his mind so long ago. “How can you do this to me?” Seonghwa growled through his tears. “This is the second time you left me, how can you fucking do this to me?”
His forehead was pressed against the unforgiving surface of the floor. His sobs were quiet at first, and it did hurt to hear. You clearly weren’t the only one suffering whether it was wrong or right. Soon enough, his cries became louder, more devastatingly raw, and more desperate.
Against your better judgment, you not only felt fear for yourself, but for Seonghwa as well. A split second of thought passes through you, had you made him like this? You knew that wasn’t the case, but as you stared at the tremors that shook his entire frame, you couldn’t help but think that you had some sort of part in this.
This wasn’t Seonghwa, what had become of the man you used to love?
Your heart pounded in your chest when his gaze met yours. You didn’t even have time to scream as he charged towards you to grip your shoulders. “Love me,” Seonghwa grinned, teeth bared, eyes widened with insanity. “That should fix this, love me once more, pretty dove. Be mine again.”
“You don’t know what you want,” you back up, terror seeping in your bones.
“No, you don’t understand,” he grabbed your shoulders tighter and a yelp slipped your lips. He tightened his hold, his eyes widening a bit more that he resembled a mental asylum patient. ”Love me.”
Tears fall down your eyes in sheer horror. Seonghwa bites his lips, groaning in pleasure at your scared display. You flinched when the back of his shaking hands tried to caress your cheeks.
It was a mistake. His eyes squint dangerously, yet his lips still remained in that disturbed smile, frozen in his face perpetually. “Seonghwa, please, you’re scaring me—-“
“I love you so much, dove,” he cooed mockingly. His fists bunched up your hair in a tight bun and pulled on your head. “Why is it so fucking difficult for you to love me back?”
Pitiful screams erupt from your mouth as Seonghwa rattled your head around, as if doing so would make you change your mind. Your hands tried to pry his hands, the pain on your scalp blooming bigger. “Seonghwa, s-stop, please! Please!”
To your utter surprise, amidst your dizziness, he does stop. Your eyes were nearly rolling behind your head and if he didn’t stop, you might have thrown up. His tear-streaked, bloodshot eyes emphasized the current state of his mind as he cradles your face in between his hands almost lovingly,
Almost. It felt infantilizing. It made you sick.
“Are you going to love me now?” Seonghwa asked one more time, his eyes flicking between tenderness and madness. “Do you fucking love me now?”
A strained whimper escapes your throat, a choked out cry accompanying it. It was a sick symphony; a travesty made worse when Seonghwa leaned in until his lips were touching the shell of your ear.
"Tell me you love me," he ordered, his voice deceptively soft. "I might do something you and I will both regret if you don't."
You swallowed, quivering with intense dread. Your knees threatened to buckle under all the weight of what Seonghwa was demanding of you at this very moment. "I-I love you, please..."
You held your breath when Seonghwa put his fingers on either side of your mouth, stretching them sideways to give the illusion that you were actually smiling. It was something straight out of a horror film, your tears wouldn't stop falling as he literally forced a smile out of you.
"That wasn't so hard, wasn't it? You did it," he praised, stroking your hair gently like he wasn't doing anything wrong. To be fair, in his mind, he wasn't doing anything wrong.
You jumped when he suddenly grabbed your chin and squeezed your cheeks together. It was slightly painful, and it elicited a pained groan from you. "But, I don’t believe you."
He pushed your face away with such a force, your head snapped to the side. It was when your legs lost their strength and you crumpled to the ground in one heap of a mess. And you knew deep in your heart, Seonghwa’s show of cruelty wasn’t what was truly crushing you.
The most painful thing about all of this was that despite all of this insanity, despite all the chaos and madness, was that you weren’t lying - you still loved Seonghwa. You still loved him with every fiber of your being.
True imprisonment wasn’t him forcing you into a room and locking you in and not letting you go until he was satisfied, it was all these feelings trapped in your heart even if it threatened to tear you apart. Seonghwa was not a good person, he was a monster, yet the love still lingered, clinging to you like a disease.
This pain in your heart, it was the proof that you still loved him. And that is the worst of it, you knew better than this.
Finally, something in Seonghwa’s chest began to lift as he stared at your pitiful form. When he closed his eyes, for what felt like an eternity, images of your smile filled his head. For a moment, he was filled with the love he felt for you for the first time, that pureness before it got tainted with something dark.
“I’ll let you go,” he whispered brokenly. His eyes filled with a broken kind of longing, eyes searching your face to read your expression. “I love you, Y/N. God, I love you. But I’m letting you go. I can’t live like this, either. I have an organization waiting for me.”
He hesitated, his voice hoarse with resignation. “One last time. Before you go. One last night, together. No more pain, no more bitterness. Just us.”
You almost didn’t want to believe it, was Seonghwa really going to let you go? Surely, it couldn’t be this easy. You highly doubted what he said, just staring at him with suspicion. He sighed frustratedly, his hands combing his hair in a mess and letting them hang over his face. You frowned, the state of his hair was the state of his mind. He hated it getting messed up.
His words came out strained. For a second, you felt bad for him. He was giving up, Seonghwa never gave up, but this was it, your ticket to freedom. “I would never stop wanting you, and needing you, Y/N. You have to get away from me.”
“Okay,” you whispered, trying to summon the courage to feel what you had in your heart even if it was for tonight. “One last time.”
“Prove it,” he suddenly blurted out. His eyes locked with yours, and your chest almost exploded with the urgent need in them. “I want to believe you, dove, I really do. I can see it in your eyes. Come with me.”
Here come the excuses that fuel the illusions, but you’d rather feel something, than nothing at all.
You should have felt repulsed, but here you were, grabbing the hand that he offered until he pulled you to the other room, one that you knew all too well. Seonghwa’s lips were on yours before you could think of anything else.
A groan sounds from the back of his throat as he pins you to the wall, his kisses frantic and desperate as if he was trying to feed his own illusions. You opened your mouth to take his intruding tongue, the wet muscle exploring the crevices of your mouth like he’s never done it before.
You wanted to cry, how could you still give him all of you when he was a far cry from the person you used to know? You suddenly didn’t know who was truly insane here, the roots of his madness had slowly uprooted themselves in you and it was difficult to pluck them away at this point.
You hated this, even as his mouth was hot and bruising against yours, because despite the danger in his eyes and the way his hands shook with the need to possess you, your heart still ached to reach for him.
“H-Hwa,” you gasped when he pulled your head backwards by your head, exposing your beck to his desires.”
“Shhh,” he hushed you, burying his head on the crook of your neck, wasting no time planting his love bites to mark you, the one he knew that drove you crazy. Stars aligned your vision as he sucked the delicate skin of your neck, taking his time to graze his teeth on them and alternating between the two.
You’d really rather feel something, than nothing at all.
He grabbed your hand, firmly guiding it to his crotch, using his other hand to unzip his pants and lower them. He wraps your hand on his aching cock, gasping softly as you feel it hard and pulsing in your hand. “F-Fuck, baby,” he hissed. “Touch me, please, I-I need it.”
Your breathing grew faster as you closed your hand around it and began stroking it. His moans of pleasure hit your ear followed by the sensual calling of your name that slipped from his tongue and you couldn’t help but squeeze him. You cried out in surprise when both his hands quickly slipped under your shirt and grabbed your breasts, his fingers digging in deep.
“Seonghwa! H-Hwa,” you breathed out, not caring for the consequences. You forgot the fear, just focusing on his lips that still attacked your neck.
“Take your panties off, dove,” he panted, his ragged breaths against your ear turning the last coherent parts of your brain into mush. “Now, love dove, please.”
You didn’t let his cock go - you didn’t want to - turning your head a bit to whisper in his ear, “Yes, mommy,” in the most sensual voice you’ve ever mustered, surprising even yourself. You obeyed, your panties hitting the floor.
“Oh, fuck, my love, y-you can’t just do that,” he growled, shuddering against your skin.
“W-Why? I like the way you touch me,” you breathed out as his fingers adeptly plucked your nipples with his fingers, rolling them in between to stimulate pleasure out of you in the best way possible.
He chuckled, planting a soft kiss on your temple. “Let go.”
You pouted in dissatisfaction when his hands stopped fondling your breasts and pulling yours away from his cock, but your eyes widened when he lifted one of your legs up and held it up, pressing onto your body impossibly closer. “Look at me,” he grunted. “Look at me.”
You’ve never been fucked standing up before. You kept your eyes on him, almost exploding at how hooded and lidded they were as sweat trailed down from his temples to his lashes. “Hwa, o-oh my God, mmm,” you moaned out when he positioned his cock in between your pussy lips.
He gives you a lazy smile as he rubs the head on your clit, satisfaction rolling through him at the ecstasy written on your face. “You want it?” Seonghwa softly asked even though he was aching to plunge inside you immediately.
You found yourself questioning the reality of what was happening, doubting, but your body had other plans. You haven’t seen Seonghwa smile without any malice in a long, long time. You lifted your head, you had to lean it against Seonghwa’s own forehead since he was basically towering over you. You heard his gulp hard, watched him close his eyes. It was all he needed to know.
“Seonghwa,” you cried out when he started to enter you, his hand snaking on your behind to push you towards his intruding cock, completely filling you to the brim with his throbbing thickness. The both of you still had your tops on, but it didn’t stop his heat from migrating towards you. “S-So good.”
“Oh, fuck,” he growled under his breath, burying his head on your shoulders once more to savour the sensation of your pussy clenching around him as he began thrusting into you with a brutal pace of his hips. “Hold on tight, sweetie, I’m going to fuck you harder, yeah?”
“M-Mhhm—Hwa, mmm, Hwa!” Your cries were loud and grating against your throat, the pleasure overtaking all of your senses. You were pretty sure his men heard it from outside the house. You didn’t care, all you felt was Seonghwa’s hot breath against your ear as he nibbled on it.
You gasped when he pulled out momentarily to peel you off the wall. He turned you around before he pushed you again, growling as his cock entered you from behind this time. You couldn’t stop the blush forming on your cheeks as you faced the floor-length mirror you had in your room, Seonghwa’s dark eyes watching your tits sway back and forth from his thrusts.
“You should be ashamed of yourself,” he taunted, his hand groping one of your tits. “Aren’t you ashamed of yourself? Look at you, fucking yourself back on my cock.”
You cried as he hit a particular spot inside you as your hips buckled to meet his. He points at somewhere in particular. “Why don’t you be a sweetheart and give that gun back to me?”
You didn’t care anymore, you were drowning in pleasure, far too gone to think about what he was asking you. You scrambled, getting his pistol from the nightstand where he put it earlier and handed it to him. “S-Seonghwa—”
“I love you so fucking much, you don’t even understand,” he groaned amidst the slapping of skin on skin echoing through the walls of your bedroom. Your hips stilled momentarily when he pointed the gun on the back of your head. “Relax,” he chuckled. “It’s not loaded, remember?”
You licked your lips, actually ashamed at the arousal that coated your inner walls, subconsciously clenching on Seonghwa’s cock at the image you saw on the mirror in front of you. “Fuck me,” he mouthed, digging the gun into your hair.
“Fuck, Seonghwa,” you choked out, moving your hips once more to feel his thick length move inside you. This wasn’t supposed to be hot, it wasn’t supposed to be this much of a turn on for you, but it was.
“You wanna know something, baby?” Seonghwa leaned towards your ear, his grunts spurring your hips to move backwards and forward. “You’re just as sick as I am. You really should be ashamed of yourself for getting turned on about this.”
You moaned impossibly louder as you shoved your behind faster on him over and over again, his full length stretching you out with each thrust. This image will be ingrained in Seonghwa’s brain forever, and he wasn’t going to last another second longer. “G-Gonna come, baby—fuck.”
You gasped, clamping around his length as you felt his warmth fill up your insides. Seonghwa growled loudly, his breathing strained and laboured as he thrust in a couple more times before suddenly pulling out and kneeling down. “H-Hwa, what are you—”
Your eyes rolled at the back of your head at his tongue’s onslaught, your arousal mixed with his sticky cum dripping down from your hole all the way down his tongue as he lapped on it, some of the excess trailing down from your thighs all the way down to your feet. Your hands planted themselves on Seonghwa’s hair, unconsciously pulling on it as you continued to cream in his mouth.
The way his tongue rolled on your sensitive bud had your knees buckling, but Seonghwa made sure to keep you up, not even bothering to pause, and just like a hurricane, the force of your orgasm knocked the wind out of your lungs as the hot, searing flash of white blinded you for a couple of second.
It set you on fire, and he dove at your pussy with enthusiasm. Seonghwa took long, broad licks of your pussy, pausing every so often to push his whole tongue into you, wiggle it around, and then focus on your clit.
He repeated this pattern a dozen times, you had your hands in his hair, and as you approached orgasm, your grip got tighter and tighter. Seonghwa groaned at the sensation, and finally, you let loose with another loud moan, forcing his face into you even further as you reached your second climax. “Seonghwa…”
“Just like that, baby, come on my tongue, mmm,” Seonghwa coaxed you through the wild shaking of your body until you let out the deepest sigh accompanied with a small whine of overstimulation. His licks slowed down, his hands caressing your soft thighs, before finally stopping to stand back up.
“Get on the bed,” he held your arm and slightly pushed you towards it without even waiting for your response.
You blinked repeatedly at him. “W-What?”
“You heard me,” he deadpanned, unbuttoning his crisp, white shirt before tossing it randomly somewhere along with the gun. “On your back. I’m not done fucking you.”
You weren’t supposed to be turned on by that, but you were. You swallowed when you looked down and realized he was still fully hard even after coming inside you. You did as told, trying hard not to stutter in your steps as you laid on your bed, letting Seonghwa spread your legs to position himself in between them.
“Arms up,” he whispered. You did as told without hesitation, letting him also take your shirt off along with your bra until you were completely bare beneath him. He groaned at the sight of you, especially your glistening pussy, still half-full with his cum. “Stubborn as you are, you’re so fucking beautiful,” he murmured, leaning down to capture your lips.
“I want you inside me," you whispered to his mouth and his eyes closed in bliss as you guided his hard cock to your wet, slick pussy.
For a moment, you forgot how deranged he was. Seonghwa poured all the love, no matter how crazed it was, his affection, and his passion in the kiss. You quickly accommodated him, kissing him back just as passionately, immediately tasting yourself and him on your tongue. “Mhhm,” you whimpered as you felt his cock slowly slide into you.
He pulled away to whisper against your mouth. “Wrap your legs around me, love.”
You did as told, moaning in his mouth as he pushed himself more until he was, once again, all the way inside you as deeply as he could. You swallowed Seonghwa’s moans, his thrusts shallow. He would pull in just enough for the tip to remain before slowly thrusting back into you.
He was as gentle as possible, but it wasn’t going to last long. You hoped it didn’t last.
“Fuck, Y/N, this pussy is mine,” Seonghwa growled, giving it to you exactly as you wanted - hard, fast, rough - not caring if you were a screaming mess. He just kept pounding you down the mattress and it shook the bed with how forceful he was.
“Tell me you love me, even if it’s just for tonight,” he begged, eyes filled with unshed tears as he stared down at you. “Even if it’s a lie, tell me you love me.”
But that was the thing. It wasn’t going to be a lie. His eyes widened a bit when he realized that you weren’t going to be lying.
“I love you, Hwa. I love you,” you sniffled with tears of your own.
He smiled. He smiled. “I love you, too, my dear,” he whispered. “I really do.”
“Hwa, Hwa, H-Hwa, f-fuck,” you clenched at the sight of him on top of you, the usual prim and proper look on him long gone, replaced by someone primal who devoured you whole.
“Louder, baby,” he groaned out loudly, his eyes dropping heavily with lust, his hips slamming onto your ass obscenely. “I want the entire neighbourhood to know who you belong to, f-fuck.”
His groans were just as loud as yours, it was honestly such a turn on. He smirked at your fucked out expression. “Look at you, baby,” he chuckled darkly, leaning down to press lightly on your neck. “Fuck, look at you going dumb around my cock, yes, squeeze me, love, squeeze my fucking cock.”
You didn’t want to be fucked anymore, you needed to be destroyed. “Fuck, yes, just like that, my love, feel my fucking cock deep in you,” he panted out, slamming into you even harder.
He was going deeper in you with all his might, sweat dripping down from his forehead to your chest. His arms rippled as he supported his own weight and you felt his back muscles moving as he continued with his assault on your poor pussy.
“D-Don’t stop, Hwa, please, keep f-fucking,” you begged, stars lighting up your vision everytime you felt the tip of his cock hit the back of your pussy.
You could hear Seonghwa groan and curse earnestly, barely audible over the hard smacks of your hips against the solid wall of his thighs. You could barely keep yourself together as he used you like a toy.
“My only purpose is to fuck you over and over again,” he gritted out, holding your head in his hands as your body went back and forth on his cock. “You ready to take my cum again?”
You nodded, eyes wide in anticipation. “Y-Yes, mommy, give me your cum, please.”
His hips stuttered, his mouth dropping down, roughly pounding into you. “You, fuck,” he moaned out, his voice roaring loudly in the air. “Y-You will never, ever be satisfied with someone else once I’m through with you.”
Seonghwa’s face twisted in concentration, his teeth gritting as his thrusts slowed down, and you gasped audibly when you felt another round of his seed warm the walls of your pussy. “Y/N, dove, a-ah, fuck,” he whimpered, his voice high pitched with all the pleasure he felt as he pulsated inside you.
You were delirious at this point, but when he gripped your legs tightly once more to hoist them up his shoulders, you sobered up really quick. You squealed pathetically, his reinsertion setting your nerves on fire. “H-Hwa, f-fuck–”
“That’s it, baby,” Seonghwa moaned, his eyes fluttering close, biting his bottom lip at the quivering sensation that ruled his body. Overstimulation threatened to snap his cock into two, but it wasn’t enough. He wanted all of you.
“Baby, fuck, ngh,” he whined, his deep voice absolutely nowhere to be found and, God, it absolutely did something to you. His eyes closed shut, his hips stuttering in the cadence of his never-ending thrusts. You didn’t have time to be surprised, Seonghwa was insane. Surely, it didn’t just stop there.
Your lips crashed together once more in a hungry kiss, Seonghwa’s hips pistoning into you in and out, grunts of pain reaching your ears. “I’m g-gonna keep fucking you,” he gritted his teeth, pain blooming on his groin, pleasure just right behind it. “I’m not gonna stop…”
He completely engulfed you in his arms as your legs dropped down to his waist to tighten your grip on him, pulling him impossibly closer to you, grinding onto his body with a delicious friction.
If it was possible, the overstimulating pain made Seonghwa rougher, more intense, and more desperate than ever before. The bed squeaked beneath you but you could barely hear it over Seonghwa’s roars. “You’re mine, Y/N, you’re all mine, fuck,” he growled, his teeth sinking into your shoulder. “Mine.”
“Seonghwa, a-ah, S-Seonghwa, wanna c-come,” you whined at the pain, but it just made him bite deeper. It was all you needed to feel that familiar tickle in your groin, and your heat began to wrap around him even tighter at the sensation. “O-Oh, S-Seonghwa, come inside me—”
It was all he needed to come undone. You gasped audibly when he put his hands behind your head to forcibly make you look him in the eye. His eyes blazed with fury and determination amidst the pain of his cock driving in and out of you. The insanity was back, and he made sure you saw it.
“I’ll breed you. Put my babies in you so you’d never leave me again,” he panted, hilting himself with one final thrust before yelling out on your shoulders, barely muffling the sound.
You weren’t completely drowning in that much pleasure to agree. “H-Hwa, baby, t-this isn’t right,” you whimpered, mouth dropped open at the tingling sensation another orgasm wanted to bring.
You felt his seed shoot inside you one final time and it was all you needed. “Come, baby, come on my cock, please, please, please, come on my fucking cock,” he gasped as the pleasure become to much for him.
Your body began to seize against his hold. Seonghwa covered your lips with his with a kiss that spoke volumes. He let you moan onto his tongue as your cunt pulsed all around his cock, reaching a euphoria your mind couldn’t comprehend. You both stayed locked together, savouring the comedown, but not really ready to let go as of yet.
And when Seonghwa finally pulled out, he couldn’t help the growl that emitted from the back of his throat as his cum began spilling out of you in copious amounts. Even he was surprised at how much cum was spilling out of your used, puffy cunt. His cock was numb.
He smirked, it was all worth it.
“So, this is it, I suppose,” you breathed out, laying down in bed tiredly, carefully lifting the blankets to cover yourself. Not that you needed to keep decency. “I hope you know that I do care for you, but I also want you to know that we both need time away to heal from each other.”
You looked at him, searching his face for any sign of manipulation or desperation, but all you saw was raw, unguarded emotion. The kind you hadn’t seen from him in months. He sighed, turning to his side and facing you. “Can I ask you something?” Seonghwa muttered.
You nodded your head, awaiting his question. “Have you ever wondered what we could have been if I was just Park Seonghwa? Not the mafia lord, not the criminal, not the murderer. Just Seonghwa.”
What he was asking of you hit you harder than you thought. It made sense that he’d ask, it was the main reason you left, after all. “Every single day,” you admitted. “I would imagine we’d be married by now, maybe we’d have had our first child, too.”
Seonghwa let out a laugh that sounded more self-deprecating than anything. It was soft, but full of pain - the pain of recognizing that the what-ifs would remain just that. “When you walked out on me,” he exhaled slowly. “I could’ve stopped you, I could’ve tried harder, maybe made more false promises. Believe it or not, I did give you space.”
“You did,” you stated, rather than asked, your voice cracking. You weren’t ready to talk about these, but this might be the last time you’d ever see Seonghwa.
“I did,” he confirmed. “Would you have come back to me if I didn’t chase you around?”
You swallowed the lump in your throat. You let the question linger in the air, because this was something you’d never asked yourself before. “I don’t know,” you answered. “And we’ll both never know. We can’t change what happened, and we can’t rewrite the past.”
Seonghwa met your gaze again, and this time, there was no anger and no regret, just the aching kind of understanding as his stare was fixed towards you. There was something in the intensity of his stare that made you catch your breath. He didn’t blink, nor did he look away. He just stared at you.
“In a perfect world, you’d want me, need me, as much I do,” he whispered, jutting his hand out to caress your cheek. “I knew you’d never want this, but I also know because you’d have come running back to me anyway because you love me. You’d have surrendered to me and if you did, I wouldn’t chase you like a fool. I would be letting you go.”
“I’m tired of thinking, Seonghwa. I really am. There’s not much I can think of but the reality where we’re in right now,” you said.
“And I really wish that you didn’t think. I wish that you knew for certain. But unfortunately, this world is not perfect. Tell me what you want, Y/N. Right here, right now.”
You opened your mouth, but the words didn’t come right away. The way his eyes reflected all the hope, albeit only a little, crushed you. “I want to be free,” you finally said, the words strange in your mouth. “We both need to stop living in a lie, Seonghwa. I’m not the same, and neither are you.”
It hurt for you to say these things out loud, but it needed to be done. He didn’t say anything for a while, and you could tell he was hurting, as well. This man was once your world, but not anymore. You can’t carry him and the weight of his pain on your shoulders anymore. “Will you set me free? Can you let me go once and for all?”
It takes Seonghwa several seconds to fully understand your request, but when he finally does, a nauseating sensation overwhelms him, a sickness settling in his stomach, twisting around his insides. He always believed there was nothing he wouldn’t do for you, that’s how much he loved you, yet you just managed to find something.
“One more question,” he insisted softly.
“What?”
“I know you still love me. Might be more than I love you, might be less. Will you ever stop loving me?”
The question was simple, but the way it knocked all the air out of your lungs made you think otherwise. You wanted to lie, wanted to look Seonghwa in the eye and tell him the opposite of what you truly felt for him. In fact, it would be very easy to lie to his face because this was your freedom.
Seonghwa’s gaze was steady, like he already knew the answer, but needed to hear it from you. He held his breath, still waiting for you to say something, but you were too frozen to do so.
You avoided eye contact. “Does it matter?”
“Yes,” he answered a bit too quickly for your liking.
“No, I don’t think I will,” you admitted, finally at peace with the truth, because deep down, you knew that this was the last time you’d ever say it out loud. Even though you still loved Seonghwa dearly, you had to let go for good.
For the first time, the truth didn’t hurt you.
Something resolute passes through his eyes before he finally breaks eye contact with you, repositioning himself on the bed to lay down on his back to stare at the ceiling. “I’m moving to New York next week. Permanently. We all are,” he said. “Operations there are far more beneficial for me since the crime rate will help a lot.”
As much as that statement felt like a punch to the gut for you, a small part of your brain was telling you that this was a good thing because the finality of you and Seonghwa not seeing each other again was coming into place.
This was why you couldn’t be with Seonghwa no matter how much you loved each other. His ties to the mafia and illicit dealings was the least of your concern - it was the danger that will forever lurk with him. You were never ready for the emotional and psychological toll it will inflict you. You didn’t want Seonghwa to come home with a bullet between his eyes or have to visit him in jail. Never mind the constant target for retaliation should something go wrong with an enemy group.
“I see,” you replied, not knowing what else to say.
“Let’s have coffee one last time before I leave,” he pleaded. “Would you grant me that right even though you owe me nothing but ignorance?”
It was innocent enough, but it wasn’t that simple. You wanted to establish that line between the two of you as early as now, yet there was that longing that always reared its ugly head whenever you tried to push it down.
Why was it that when you were this close to pulling away, Seonghwa makes your heart flutter again? What is it about him that kept pulling you back?
The walk to the cafe was nerve-wracking for you, to say the least. The last time you were here, you didn’t know where you stood with Seonghwa. It hasn’t even been four months since then and yet, it felt like it was a lifetime ago.
You hesitated, your foot rooted to the ground directly outside the entrance. The closer you got to going in, the wider the hole in your gut got. You figured it was just the nerves, you were finally saying goodbye to your tormentor - as fucked as that sounded - after all the days you were trapped in confusion and pain.
You took a deep breath, choosing to leave your nerves behind and making your choice, something you haven’t made for yourself in a while.
You weren’t ready, not in the slightest, but there he was. Seonghwa sat in the same corner where you were the last time, and for once, he wasn’t purposefully late, or rather, he chose not to humiliate you this time and made you wait to no end.
You couldn’t help but stare at him. He was staring out to the world in deep thought, his hands shoved deep in his pockets. He wasn’t even doing anything, yet his quiet elegance still commanded respect. Seonghwa leaned casually against his chair, his dark, tailored coat hugging his body just right and his hair neatly combed up - far from the hot mess of a man who was on top of you the other week.
Your heart thudded in your chest. He looked like he was leaving for good.
And then, he was suddenly looking at you. “Hey,” he whispered, almost unsure. It was a type of voice you haven’t heard from him in so long. The last time you heard it was when he was asking you to marry him one cool, summer night a year and a half back.
“Hey,” you smiled tightly, putting your lips in a thin line as you tentatively approached the table. Truth be told, you wanted to walk away. Something was gnawing in your chest. But the part that loved him so, the part that wanted to let go, didn’t.
“I didn’t think you’d actually come,” Seonghwa gestured to your seat, even going as far as pulling your chair for you and pushing it back for you to sit on like a gentleman. He had a serene smile on his face when he went back to his. “But, I’m glad you’re here.”
He, once again, gestures his slender hands, but this time, at the table in front of you. He already took the liberty to order some food. It was one of the rarer things that you didn’t take offense to when it came to him; as warped as his mind was, he did cater to your needs very well, and that included the type of food you liked to eat and how you liked your coffee.
“Thank you,” you murmured, taking a small sip of your vanilla iced coffee, pleased to find that Seonghwa had already requested extra syrup. It was extra sweet this time, though, but you weren’t complaining. “When are you leaving?”
His sharp eyes calculated your every move, lingering on your lips a little too long before his own lips twitched ever so slightly. “In two hours,” he replied. “Most of our stuff is already in transit. I just have to be physically there. I really just wanted us to end on a decent note.”
You blinked, not totally processing his words at first. It hit you like stone when it did. You smiled back, though it didn’t quite reach your eyes. “It can’t get more decent than this,” you murmured. It was true, this was the first time that the strain between the two of you wasn’t crackling in the air.
You took another sip of your coffee, just so you weren’t sitting so awkwardly and so stiffly. The aftereffects of the months of unresolved tension were making you dizzy, an almost surreal sensation clouding your vision. Huh, you thought, you underestimated how stressed you actually were.
“You okay?” Seonghwa asked, brows furrowed together, his lips strung in a deep frown. There was an imperceptible shift in his expression, but the haze was too much for you to calculate what it really meant.
“Yeah,” you said, taking a deep breath and hoping that the dizziness would pass. “I’m just a little tired.”
You booked a little vacation on the seaside for tomorrow, something you didn’t tell Seonghwa. You had no need to. You were looking forward to that as you were seated, thanking your lucky stars that you actually booked it at the last minute. You needed to unwind after all of this.
“Are you sure you’re okay? You’re pale, love,” Seonghwa raised his hand to touch you, something you rejected with a wave of your hand, and something he surprisingly respected.
He sounded a little more insistent now, but he still held that calmness he was known for in the criminal world, but in the end, all he could do was sigh in resignation. “If you insist,” he said, even though he looked like he wanted to say more.
The air felt cold, heavier, and now thicker with all the unspoken things between the two of you that would remain just that - unspoken. Seonghwa resembled a man who had carried the weight of regret for far too long, but even he knew that it was too late.
“I won’t keep you too long,” he said, his words slow as if he was dragging them out. They were raw, nonetheless. “I just wanted to say goodbye properly. The right way.”
He paused to smile thinly. “I just…had to see you before we went. I’m not going to ask for your forgiveness, Y/N, and I suppose that’s the only real thing I will always be sorry for because I can’t control the way my heart yearned for you, no matter how wrong it got.”
“It’s okay,” you almost scoffed. “I don’t know if I can forgive you, anyway.”
“Touché,” he chuckled.
You swallowed hard, a little disappointed, but to be honest, you were fine with that. You can respect honesty and self-awareness. “But, you think this would be enough, Seonghwa? I don’t mean that in a bad way.”
The room began to tilt as you swayed only a bit, nothing too noticeable, but it was enough nausea to concern you. His lips curled as he stared at you, but the hesitation in which he ran his hand through his hair in frustration distracted you.
“I don’t know, little dove, I don’t expect it to be enough. I guess I just needed you to know that I never meant to hurt you like I did, and maybe that’s not enough, but it’s all I have left,” he stared at you. “ I wish things had been different. I really did. But now, I have to go.”
You set the coffee down, your hands clammy and your mouth went dry, the dizziness getting too detrimental for you to concentrate. Seonghwa’s eyes narrowed as he watched you carefully. Too carefully.
“Good luck, Seonghwa,” you said, quiet and sincere. You got up and stepped back from the table, from him. You had to go, you were starting to feel really unwell. “I’m sorry I can’t support you with the path you’re taking. I wish you happiness you couldn’t have with me, I really do.”
“Sweetheart, wait…”
He stood up as well, his eyes searching yours like he was waiting for something more, but there was something else underneath it, something you couldn’t quite put your finger on. Before he could say something, you turned around towards the door and began to briskly walk away.
Walking away from Seonghwa felt wrong, but what was worse was the growing unease you felt - the same one you did before you even entered the cafe. Your legs were unsteady, you couldn’t even take a step away from the entrance. Black spots began to dance from your vision, it was getting more difficult to stay upright.
You gave in, your body feeling lighter as you felt yourself begin to tumble down the floor, but before you could, steady hands guided you upwards until your head pressed onto a firm chest. You didn’t have to look up to know who it was.
“S-Seonghwa,” you slurred, leaning further into him against your will just so you couldn’t fall. “W-What’s going on…”
You felt him dig his fingers firmly on your shoulders, not enough to hurt, but enough for him to hold you to your place. He pushes you gently against the wall, tilting your lolling head to his face.
Your blood ran cold. The look in his face told you everything you needed to know. His thumb forcibly opened your lips and the realization hit you so hard it left you reeling - the coffee. You weren’t supposed to feel like this, it wasn’t the anxiety. He smirked, almost smug.
“You were always so wary of me,” he chuckled darkly, leaning in to give you a small peck on the side of your lips before licking the small trail of saliva that pooled outside of your mouth. “I’m surprised it took you this long, I thought you’d see it coming, at least.”
“You…spiked m-my,” you managed to choke out, your breath coming in short gasps.
He didn’t seem alarmed. In fact, there was a calmness to him, as though he had expected this reaction, as though this was all part of his plan. You tried to push him away even though you could barely stand. “Seonghwa, I-I don’t f-feel well,” you admitted.
His smirk fell, genuine concern bleeding onto it as he cursed under his breath. “I’m sorry, love, you were probably just sensitive to it,” he frowned. You hated that you knew what he meant. “Let’s get you to the car—”
“N-No, let go,” your body swayed, until your legs had finally given out on you, your eyes fluttering close.
“Hey, hey, stay with me,” his voice was sharp, laced with panic. You felt yourself being lifted bridal-style. You could hear him calling your name over and over. “Come on, baby, don’t give out on me now,” he urged, the desperation in his voice betraying his calm facade.
“Please, I can’t do this alone,” he continued, his voice quieter now, almost fragile. “This is the only way. I’ll take care of you, yeah? I want to do right by you. I need you to believe me…”
He was scared. He actually hadn’t meant to go this far.
Everything went black. The last thing you remembered was the sudden pressure of his desperate hands gripping you as if he was afraid that if he let you go that you'd suddenly disappear. His eyes shone with plea, full of panic, as his lips trembled with unspoken words.
When you came to, a dull headache throbbed in the back of your eyes. A sense of disorientation weighed heavily in your chest. The first thing you noticed was that you were sitting upright, your head leaning against a hard, bony surface. A shoulder.
You groaned, trying to remember how you got here, and everything came to you all at once; walking somewhere, the coffee, the nausea, Seonghwa—
Seonghwa.
You groaned, immediately sitting straight and trying to rub your eyes and your head to remove the bleary sleepiness remaining in you, but that wasn’t what caught you off-guard. In fact, fainting in Seonghwa’s arms seemed to be the least of your problems for today.
You froze, your heart leaping to your throat when you saw the cold metal of the handcuff around your wrist. Your hand instinctively tried to pull it away, even going as far as to prying it away with your other hand, but all that did was hurt you, your skin automatically reddening at the friction all the pulling was causing you.
Things just got worse from here then on. You figured that you’d try to pull the source of where your handcuffs were connected to, but to your horror, you realized that the other end was connected to Seonghwa’s own wrist, effectively tying you two together.
He stared at you panicking, his face drawn with exhaustion, but he was watching you closely as everything started to dawn on you. Something cloudy seizes his chest as you look up at him, tears reddening your eyes. His gaze softens, but relief shines through it, nonetheless.
“You’re awake,” he tenderly notes, like he was afraid that you’d get startled and lash out. He leans forward, his hand gingerly holding onto your face to wipe your unfallen tears with his thumb. “Are you okay? Is there anything that hurts? Listen, I know this looks bad, and I get it, but please, give me the chance to explain everything.”
You were stunned speechless, not being able to render opening your mouth to even refute his excuses. Everything was overwhelming, and truth be told, your head still wasn’t fully there. You couldn’t even lean away from Seonghwa’s touch even though you wanted nothing but to spit on his face.
It was one thing to be infuriated with Seonghwa, but more so, you were mad at yourself. How could you be so naïve? How could you be so blatantly stupid as to even meet up with him in the first place and let your guard down?
Your breathing became ragged despite Seonghwa’s gentle attempts to calm you down. You had basically signed your life to him the moment you agreed to meet up with him in the cafe, because this was his plan all along, and you went along with it like a puppet in his sick version of a show.
Trusting Seonghwa was the equivalent of jumping off of a cliff willingly. You had a first-hand taste of how manipulative, how insane, he actually was, and you still went. You couldn’t even afford to feel bad for yourself since you knew that the fault wasn’t fully his own.
You pulled on your wrist, even though it was pointless, but his hand reached across the small space, gently touching your arm. “I never meant for things to go this far,” he explained, his voice strained. “But I need you to understand—”
“Understand what, Seonghwa? You lied to me,” you gritted your teeth, your heart thudding painfully against your chest as you tried to keep more of your tears at bay. “You lied to me, you sick son of a bitch! You said you were going to let me go! I thought the mafia had honour—”
“I know, dove, I know, but honour be damned if I can’t be with you,” he exasperatedly explained, but you weren’t having it.
“What the hell does that even mean? You kidnapped me! I’ve lost count, Seonghwa,” you seethed, pulling on the handcuffs again, but to no avail. That was when you looked around and realized you didn’t know where you were. “Where even are we?”
Seonghwa’s eyes softened and he leaned back in his seat, letting out a slow breath as he tried to gather his thoughts, the handcuffs connected to him slightly pulling on your wrists. “I’m sorry. I don’t expect you to forgive me right away, and I’m not trying to make excuses. But I couldn’t just let you go. I couldn’t let you walk away and forget everything we had. I’m sorry, Y/N. I really am.”
“Seonghwa,” you trailed off, not liking where this was going, your lips quivering as you spoke. “You said you were going to let me go.”
“I know what I said,” he said. His voice dropped lower, a touch of vulnerability seeping in. “I can’t let you throw it all away, love. The other week, you said you still loved me, and that you were never going to stop loving me. Tell me, how am I supposed to just leave and forget all about that?”
He sighed, long and heavy, looking you straight in the eye. “How am I supposed to leave my heart, knowing that it still beats for the both of us?”
Your mind raced, thoughts tangled in a whirlwind. This wasn’t happening. This couldn’t be happening. You’d made your choice. You’d walked away from, finally accepted that you just weren’t meant to be, and that you needed to let go to move on.
He shifted, his gaze never leaving yours, and for the first time, you saw a glimmer of something in him—hope.
“We can start over, leave everything once and for all,” he said, his voice almost pleading. “No more games. No more lies. We could just be together with a new life.”
You stopped breathing for a second. “W-What do you mean?”
Seonghwa paused, looking genuinely confused for a second. He was taken aback, it hit him that you actually didn’t know where you were. The silence was what prompted you to actually look at your surroundings. You blinked, finally realizing the real reason why you were sitting down when you woke up.
There is a smooth, unnatural hum of an engine beneath you, vibration so low that you wouldn’t even have noticed it.The plush leather seats you were on and in front of you, the overhead area where carry-on luggages usually went to if they were too big to put on the floor, and the stale smell of uncirculated air around the small space.
You were on a plane. Specifically, Seonghwa’s private jet.
“S-Seonghwa,” you yelped, true fear and panic settling in your chest at the prospect of being trapped here with him.
“You were asleep for half the flight. We’ll be landing in New York in six more hours,” he said quietly.
You repeatedly shook your head in denial, hoping to wake up from this nightmare. Seonghwa just watched you, his expression a mixture of hurt and concern. “I know you’re scared,” he whispered. “I know I hurt you, but I promise I’ll never hurt you again. “
You looked at him, his eyes full of conviction, full of hope. He was sincere. But that only made it harder.
“I don’t know if I can do this,” you whispered, your voice breaking as you pulled away slightly, the weight of the handcuff pulling you back.
His face shifted, pain flashing across his features, but he didn’t let go. “Please,” he said, his voice trembling. “Don’t make me lose you again.”
Your hands tugged at the cuffs again, the metal biting into your wrist, but all that did was make him wrap his big hands around yours. “I’m not asking for a second chance,” he said quietly, his voice hoarse. “I’m asking for a real chance. A chance to prove that we can make this work. That we can make us work. I’ll take care of you. I’ll protect you. And we’ll get through this together.”
You didn’t want to break down in front of him. You didn’t want to show him this vulnerability, this weakness. But you couldn’t stop.
Through your blurry eyes, you saw him with his gaze soft but filled with something else. Pity. It also had helplessness and guilt, as if seeing you break down before him was a painful reminder of how far he had pushed you.
With that, you hunched over your seat and buried your face in your hands as the tears streamed down your face in hot torrents. The sobs came in uncontrollable waves, violent and loud, your chest heaving as if you might suffocate.
You felt Seonghwa’s hand rub your back soothingly, but you didn’t care to push him anymore. It was over. All the fighting you did for your freedom was for absolutely nothing. The weight of that truth pressed down on your chest, suffocating.
You didn’t even try to stop Seonghwa from pulling you from your chair to make you sit on his lap as he hugged you tight, burying your face on the crook of his shoulder as your tears came hard, relentless, spilling down your cheeks as your chest heaved with sobs you couldn’t contain anymore. Your hands trembled as you clutched at his clothes, trying to steady yourself.
“You don’t have to do this alone,” he said softly as he hushed you with comfort that you didn’t want. “I’ll take care of you. We’ll start over, fall in love with each other all over again. You won’t be a part of the organization if you don’t want it, just please, stay with me.”
Your hysterical cries didn’t stop and all Seonghwa did was comfort you with words - words that he actually meant - but what you didn’t see was the pride and satisfaction written on his face as he stared at your crying form. In his own quiet way, he savored every single moment of it.
And he smiled because he knew - and you knew - that you had nowhere else to go. He won.
this is so good. too good. i can't even come up with a coherent thought after reading this just know that you should read it too (heed the warnings fr)
Summary — Imperial Commander Park Seonghwa is a strict, unforgiving man, ready to follow through with every cruel command he is given...
Until the woman he loves reveals herself to be part of the resistance...
Genre — angst, a lil fluff at the end, hurt/clmfort maybe (?) honestly i don't even know anymore
Warnings — pregnancy, death, suicide (?) like bro she asks him to kill her okay, mentions of war, literally every warning that comes with starwars tbh, bloodshed, mention of embyo death(?)
Word Count — 4.1k
Rating — NC-17
A/N — Plsss don't hate me for any inaccurancys! I haven't watched Star Wars in a good while and was simply inspired by this look ⬆️ for golden hour pt. 2
Not many things were able to throw Park Seonghwa off. He was a well known Commander within the First Order, recognized for his calm, almost cold persona. A man that did not hesitate to kill when necessary or told to do so by the higher ups, cruel almost if one were to ask the victims of his torturous skills of pulling information out of a stubborn rebel. Many had claimed to withstand him and all had failed.
For the First Order, he was an important asset who knew how to get what he wanted and had no qualms about doing what was needed to get exactly that.
And so it was all the more surprising to see the cold façade of ice crack upon coming face to face with the rebels they had managed to catch just a few hours prior. He had yet to see them, only having known about the incomers after getting the order to prepare one of the chambers.
But now, staring into the face of the woman he had tried so hard to hide from his superiors, he had a hard time hiding the storm of emotions brewing inside him.
Had he known that you, his wife, the love of his life, was one of the rebels the First Order and thus him were trying so desperately to eliminate? Of course not! However to say he was surprised would also be a lie.
You had never been one to do as you were told. A true whirlwind that he had to save from getting her ass handed to her more times than he could count. Someone who was able to bring out the softer, more carefree side of his personality with something as simple as an eye bat and a smile that made it look like the stars were sparkling in them.
Hands bound behind your back and on your knees, glaring at the cold grey shimmering ground under you, you sat there. Waiting for what was to come.
“What should we do with them, Commander?” the muted voice of one of the officers cut through the heavy silence that surrounded them even while standing in the middle of a bustling hangar.
Seonghwa, schooling his face as best as he could back into a cold glaring picture of nonchalance, inhaled before staring down at your kneeling form. “Bring them to the interrogation chambers. I will take care of them in due time.”
He watched your muscles tense upon recognizing his voice.
“Yes, Commander!” The troopers roughly pulled you to your feet and if Seonghwa hadn´t had to pretend to be ignorant of whom you were, he would have ripped the trooper to shreds for doing so.
Hiding his amusement over how you immediately snarled at the poor trooper, swearing up and down at him with every insult he knew you knew off, he walked behind you with quick steps. The two men you were captured with were either dragged behind them or just as stubborn as you were being. It was pathetic how much they struggled with getting 3 non force wielders in Seonghwa’s opinion.
“Don´t fucking touch me you bastard!” you snapped when you were being forced forward particularly harsh, trying to hit the trooper with your leg which promptly got you a blaster smacked to the head. Delirious you sagged in yourself, sight swimming ever so slightly as you felt the spot start to bruise.
“Is that how you treat your guests? Were you not taught how to receive any?” The comment, seemingly directed at nobody, Seonghwa knew was for him to hear.
It was ironic because while when he was rarely at home, you almost never received guests in your house and when you did? You had to show him first how to treat them nicely.
You reached the Interrogation rooms. Funny how they were called that when they should have been called torture chambers, if one were to ask you. Sadly nobody did and so you quickly found yourself strapped to the giant, very uncomfortable looking chair that stood right in the middle of the room.
For the first time in ages did your eyes meet your husband’s as he stood right in front of you. Face blank of emotion and hands clasped together as they were resting against behind his back. He stood still, admiring your face and internally wincing when he saw the drying blood staining the side of your face and your busted lip.
“Take care of the others. She belongs to me.”
His words had you cackling in surprise, well knowing how true his statement rang. If Seonghwa was one thing that you could attest to, then it was possessive!
You were left alone with him. Neither of you wanting to falter first.
You silently raised your eyebrow at his still form, his apparent calmness grating on your nerves. Seonghwa felt the same, but knowing you well enough he also knew that if he didn´t break his silence then he would stand there until the galaxy ceased to exist.
“You never told me.”
It was a statement, not a question and you knew that very well. Instead of straight out answering you tilted your head and smiled.
“Should I have? Would you have accepted it?” you asked in return, knowing very well that Seonghwa wouldn´t be able to answer this. Seonghwa relaxed ever so slightly at the sound of your voice. There was no trace of anger or hatred for his actions traceable which left him a tad bit more at peace with the situation.
“You know I can´t answer that.” He sighed.
“No, I guess you can´t… But tell me this,” you began before falling silent. Smile falling a bit as reality began to settle into your bones. “What happens now?”
Seonghwa swallowed, the calm and collected facade now not just crumbling but completely falling. You could clearly see the fear and sadness behind those dark beautiful eyes you had fallen for all this time ago.
“Don´t say it, please don´t say it.” He begged, voice shaking the slightest bit as he took enough steps to stand right in front of you. You felt his gloved fingers gently touching your strapped down ones.
“Hwa… what else is there to say? I work for those you swore to hunt down, there is no other way but for you to-“
“No! I won´t let it come to that!” He didn’t let you speak. Hearing what you were going to say would shatter his resolve completely.
You scoffed gently in amusement. “You have no choice! Ren will kill you if you don´t at least get me to spill some information and you and I both know, that won´t happen. So tell me, what other choice do we have?”
The Commander of the First Order, your ever loving husband yelled, hand running through his neatly kempt back hair. “A different one then me fucking killing you y/n! My star please…”
“I´ll always be your star. But this is not something either of us can change. You either torture me until my heart hives out, or you shoot me right here and now. But please don´t let me wait for my demise in this horrible corner you call Interrogation Room.”
Frustrated Seonghwa turned around and rammed his fist into the hard surface of the wall. You flinched at the sound it made, worrying for his hand more then he seemed to be doing.
“Seonghwa, baby listen to me!” you said and gave him a said smile when he faced you again. A salty tear that you hadn´t notice was ready to be freed rolled down the side of your face. Seonghwa shook his head and came back cup your face in his hands, thumb wiping away the tear while pressing his forehead against yours.
He couldn´t care less if the cameras picked up on what was going on or if his Ren or even Snoke got their hands on the material. All he care about was being as close to you as possible in your position.
“You´ll be okay.” You whispered and received a whimper from the usually cold man in response.
“No I won´t. Not when I do this! I could never live with myself if I did.”
You leaned forward as far as you could, laying your lips on his for a gentle yet heartbreakingly desperate kiss. The tears were coming without anything stopping them at this point, mixing with his own.
“I love you, Park Seonghwa. I did ever since I almost shot you back when we were nothing but teenagers on Niamos,” both of you laughed at the reminder of how you had gotten close. “And I promise that I will do so until all the stars die.”
“My star I can´t-“ he took a deep breath and kissed you once more before backing up to catch himself again. “And I won´t.”
“Hwa!”
“No, I can´t lose you and much less kill you myself! I will find a way, just give me time.” With those last words he wipped the wetness from his cheeks and turned to leave. An anger you had never once felt before took over.
“NO! DON´T YOU DARE YOU FUCKING COWARD! GET BACK HERE AND FINISH IT!” The whoosh of the doors sliding shut could be heard through your screams, leaving you to calm down. “Please baby… just finish us…”
Back on the bridge surrounded by officers and troopers of every kind, Seonghwa fought hard on what to do now. It had been almost 4 rotations since you and your companions had been brought in and just as long since he had visited your cell. He had given the order that no one was to enter it without his explicit permission, reasoning that this was a new technique he wanted to try. Only to give food and a medic droid had been send in as of now.
“Let them stir in their misery.” He had said as if he needed to answer to any of them.
He knew that many questioned him for this, yet none of them dared to say anything out loud in fear of being on the receiving end of the commanders anger.
His train of thought came to an abrupt halt as the Admiral suddenly stood at his side.
“What?” he hissed and enjoyed the reaction he received.
“Lo- Lord Ren wishes to speak to you.” The man stammered and bowed at his waist.
A sigh left Seonghwa’s mouth and he followed even if a bit unwilling.
He stepped closer to the Holo projector, the blue light flickering as the connection shook.
“Commander. Have you made any progress with the prisoners?” The masked man inquired gruffly, causing Seonghwa to shake his head.
“No, none of them have spoken so far. We are still waiting for them to feel a sense of … safety… if you will.”
“You are supposed to break THEM! NOT MAKE THEM FEEL SAFE! This is not a cruise ship you are commanding!” Ren lost his temper and if it were anyone else Seonghwa would have been scared.
“Yes, Lord Ren. I am very aware and will let you know when we have made progress. It will be soon, I guarantee you.”
The Sith apprentice, while not happy accepted the answer, aware that he wasn´t able to do much while being in a different part of the galaxy.
“I hope so, commander. Or this will have consequences…” The threat hanging in the air was clear but the Commander paid it no mind. Whatever Ren had planned for him if this failed could not be worse then what would happen if he didn´t find a way to get you of this ship.
The hologram vanished as quickly as it had appeared and Seonghwa leaned heavily on the projector table when the droid who has been asked to check on you waddled over to hand him the datapad.
“If. You. Have. Any. More. Questions. Please. Don´t. Hesitate. To. Ask.” He stammered mechanically.
Seonghwa took the Datapad and ushered the droid away to read.
None of the located injuries where ones that particulary surprised him. A few bruises, a twisted ankle and a broken finger. Nothing that couldn´t be fixed easily.
The last sentence on the report however left him frozen.
Additional form of life detected.
Could this mean-
FUCK!
He read over it again, hoping that he might have been reading this wrong.
Additional form of life detected.
The words didn´t change, no matter how many times he read over them and something inside him snapped.
Fuck the war. Fuck the First Order and Fuck Ren and Snoke!
This didn´t just change the situation, it changed his entire view on what he stood and worked for. All of a sudden he didn´t care if the Resistance was destroyed or if the First Order won this war over the galaxies.
All that mattered to him was to get you and his unborn child to safety, even if it meant his own death.
And so he began to form his plan.
With hurried steps he marched of the bridge towards where you were being held captive. The troopers hurriedly jumped out of his way and left after hearing the hissed, “Dismissed. And let them prepare my ship!” being thrown their way.
The doors opened with a hiss and closed again behind him.
“Is it time for your daily taunts already?” you drawled out of boredom, eyes shut in resignation.
Guilt clawed at Seonghwa’s insides upon seeing the state you were in. His orders had very obviously been ignored, the black eye and the additional blood that had dried into the fabric of your tunics were a dead giveaway of that.
His eyes fall onto your stomach, the slight swell that he had not noticed in the hectic of the events just a few rotations prior, now very evident if one knew what to look for.
“Oh, my Star… I´m so sorry dear.” He sighed and opened the clasps holding you in place. Hearing his voice again your eyes flew open.
“What- Seonghwa? What are you doing?” you questioned and couldn´t stop the anger from bleeding into your words.
“There is no time to explain! We have to get to the hangar. Quick, there is no time!” he rushed to say and pulled you upright when you swayed a little to much for Seonghwa´s liking.
Gapping at the nothing saying explanation of his you struggled against him. Seonghwa tugged gently on your arm, causing you to fall forward and into his chest.
“We are getting out of here. You and I,” he said, staring straight into your Soul. “And our child.”
Eyes wide open you looked at him.
“You-“
“Know, yes. And there is nothing that will stop me from getting us out of here, so come. Follow me.”
When you had found your footing again, Seonghwa let go of your shocked form and pulled out his blaster from his weapon belt and opened the door. Gesturing for you to step out in front of him.
You felt the blaster being pressed into your back as he led you through the dark corridors towards the hangar. It seemed you were walking for ages past soldiers and droids that were going their own way until you walked into the hangar bay.
“I hate to ask this baby, but what do we do if your genius plan fails and we get caught?” you murmured under your breath so only your husband could hear.
He huffed a laugh. “We will find out when it comes to that.”
“Because that makes me feel so much better.” You rolled your eyes.
-------
“Commander, Sir! Your Ship has been prepared and is ready for departure. However we need identification that you are permissioned to leave with the prisoner!”
Both you and Seonghwa froze when you were stopped. So far everything had run smoothly so you shouldn´t be surprised that luck was now turning against you.
“I was directly ordered by Lord Ren to bring this prisoner to him and now let me trough.”
The two troopers guarding his ship looked at each other for a moment before turning back to you.
“I´m sorry commander but we need to see identification and validation of that order before we can let you board.”
You took a step closer to Seonghwa, slowly reaching for the gun still stuck to his waist. The moment you had it your hands on it you ducked and Seonghwa shoot the two straight in the head. The smell of burning armor filled your nose and you frowned as your stomach churned in protest.
An alarm started blaring through the hangar and the light turned red.
“GET IN AND PREPARE FOR TAKE OFF!” Seonghwa yelled and shot the storm troopers that were trying to stop them before you were gone.
You ran into the cockpit and sat down in front of the control panel to start the engine. The ship shook but Seonghwa managed to sat down at your side just after you took off, followed by 2 TIE/in Fighters that did everything to shoot you right out of the sky.
“Do something!” you yelled at your husband who was busy trying to defend them. Seonghwa, knowing how you could be under stress chose to ignore this and only muttered a quiet “What do you think I’m doing here?” to himself.
The first exploded into nothing more but ruble as it was hit by blaster bolts followed by the second and you suddenly were in hyperspace.
Seonghwa shut of the tracker that would allow the First Order to follow them where ever they went.
“Will we talk about this, my star?” he asked after silence had settle over the two of you.
“Not right now.” You said flatly, knowing that if you did now, you would probably tried to kill him yourself.
“And where are we going?”
“D’Qar.”
Seonghwa realized that he wouldn´t get anything more from you. He knew that you were mad at him for not listening to your request back in that cell but what was he supposed to do? Had he listened and followed through, then could have also simply asked the next trooper to shoot him right there and then.
“You know why I couldn’t do it.”
“Because you’re a coward?”
Now Seonghwa could admit that from anyone else, these words would have probably unleashed a storm of fury. From you? He knew that it was a defense mechanism to protect your pride and he had to conceal a smile. Even after all this time and all this fighting that shook up the galaxy once more, you still were the same fiery personality he fell for.
His face fell when he thought about what he had almost lost. The Commander could forgive you for fighting against his own cause, he could forgive you for fighting for what you believed in and like he said, he couldn’t even be surprised by it. You had always stood for those weaker than him and this was your own way of fighting for them; trying to save those who couldn’t save themselves from this war the first order had brought on.
However he couldn’t help but think-
“Would you really have sacrificed our child for them? To keep their secrets?”
Your stoic face faltered and in even tho he was only able to see your profile, he recognized the horror glimmering in your widened eyes when the realization set in what you had almost done.
It wasn’t just that you had tried to give your self up for the Resistance and what the Jedi fought for. It was the fact that you had also begged him to kill you, full well knowing that you carried the prove of your love under your heart.
Your hand fell onto your stomach which, now that he was aware of the circumstance, did look rounder than last time he had seen you when he had departed again.
“Don’t fret now, my star. Nothing happened to you and our little moon I promise you now, nothing will threaten you ever again as long as I am there to prevent it.” Even if his words were calm, that did not mean he felt as calm on the inside. You knew he was seething on the inside for your failure and protecting what he didn’t even know existed, even if you had not realized what it would have meant for the life growing inside your belly.
Seonghwa reached for your hand, the once still gently brushing over the swell of your stomach. He didn’t pull it away, no he simply added his own gentle ministration to it and you tears suddenly fell freely and without restraint.
Without having to think the man put the ship on autopilot to pull his silently crying wife into his arms. You went without much of a fight, craving the touch of your husband who you hadn’t seen since the baby was conceived. You had missed him terribly, driving those close to you nearly insane in the process.
It hadn’t been easy being pregnant and fighting your aches all alone when you didn’t feel like you could share, more like didn’t want to share the sweet news with anyone but the man wiping the salty liquid away from your cheeks and whispering soothing words into the shell of your ear.
“I’m sorry, Hwa! So sorry! How could I even suggest- how could I not think—?” you wept out between heavy sobs.
“It’s done now, and we shall not think of it again. We are alright. You, me and this little moon of ours and nothing, nothing will ever change this again. How could I let them? Knowing what is waiting for me far away from the battle field…” he smiled, his own tears glistening in his eyes now that the adrenaline slowly settled.
You leaned your forehead against his, noses brushing against each other lightly. You reveled in it like a Loth-Cat getting chin scratches.
Seonghwa closed the gap between your lips, sealing them with yours and it was like coming home before the moment was over far to fast in your opinion.
“So, D’Qar huh? Is that where you have been hiding?” he whispered with a smug grin which in turned earned him a slap to the back of his not so sleek any more ponytail.
🌷⌇ finding our way back; a choi jongho mini-series
ex-boyfriend! idol! jongho x ex-girlfriend! single-mom! reader
│synopsis: five years have passed since jongho last saw you. your lives have taken drastically different paths, with jongho achieving fame and you focusing on raising your daughter, nari, in quiet anonymity. when jongho discovers he has a daughter, he's determined to be a part of her life.
│genre: a slice of life, romance, fluff, some angst
│trigger warnings: unplanned pregnancy, illegitimate child, single parenthood (any other warnings will be labeled on a chapter-by-chapter basis)
│reminder: what you’re about to read is purely fiction, so let’s keep it separate from reality.
!minors do not interact!
│taglist: if you wish to be tagged let me know in the comments or here
⤷ summary : jaemin was an annoying customer. always coming in 5 minutes before you closed, and you had enough — what did you do? you decide to go to twitter about him. your friend ends up sending him the priv tweet… what happens between the both of you after this?
pairing : na jaemin x cafe worker!reader
status : in the works…
genre : comedy, slow burn sorta?, uni au.
warnings : kys jokes, swearing, drinking, suggestive themes but will let you know when always.
taglist : open !
annas note : first time making a smau ever so pleaseee bare with me if it isn’t good! also thank you to my lovely eli for giving me this idea 🤍.
MASTERLIST :
profiles | introduction . . .
more parts tba.
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