the art of getting by

Osmanthus wine tastes the same as I remember but where are those who share the memory?

[cosmonaught]

📆 04/20/2023

Hello. Still here. There’s just this massive transition happening right now. Will talk to you soon after everything settles down.

(📸: Dayap Itaas, Laurel, Batangas • April 4, 2023)

[cosmonaught]

📆 03/30/2025

I never expected to update this post (almost)2-years late, I didn't forget about it, I just never wanted to face it. The massive transition was about me moving out of the house for work. I think I glamourized it too much in my head thinking I was gonna be some kind of Carrie Bradshaw on her first time in New York. It was my first time living alone after all. It did not happen. The TL;DR of it all is I was hired, found a house but never moved in, hated the job so much I burnt out, and stayed for about a year & a half more before finally leaving.

So hello, I'm here again. Free from greedy and abusive corporations with my unemployed/jobhunting/freelancing woes.

Write to you soon.

– G

(📸: Dayap Itaas, Laurel, Batangas • November 22, 2024)

[cosmonaught]

📅 10/02/2023

I thought I have a storm brewing inside of me ~ turns out I don't even have a drizzle and now I think I am stuck.

(📸: Liw Liwa Beach, Zambales • August 27, 2023)

[cosmonaught]

📆 04/20/2023

Hello. Still here. There’s just this massive transition happening right now. Will talk to you soon after everything settles down.

(📸: Dayap Itaas, Laurel, Batangas • April 4, 2023)

[cosmonaught]

📅 01/10/2023

ive been binging dear modern's feng shui videos about arranging interiors. even if one doesn’t believe in such a thing, there are a lot of logical applications from feng shui i found that can be considered for organizing personal spaces.

i learned about surface level stuff: basically good lighting, ease of access, and self-awareness of putting yourself in a vulnerable spot.

here are some of the things i've managed to apply in my space:

– for work space or areas i spend a lot on, back should be behind a solid wall (no windows or place for people to look/sneak at you from behind) and where you can see the entire space in front of you so you know what’s happening and who’s coming and going – moved furniture so they’re either not in the way going somewhere in the house or they are easier to reach and access.  – changed lighting depending on their purpose (bright if i need to stay awake, soft for the bedroom) (here’s what ive been doing all these years: dont use bare/exposed lights. put cover to reflect, diffuse, or soften) – sleep away from the door/window so people cant see (or snipe lol) you – hide harsh shapes/objects ✂️🗡️⚡🧨🪓 – add life 🪴💐

these are just really obvious things but things you dont think about until they’re pointed out.

so yeah, share ko lang. im on an organizing high rn bc i feel rejuvenated from cleaning all day today lol.

some of the things said in the vlogs i keep thinking about:

– don't change yourself, manipulate your environment – clutter is only clutter when you dont want it

[cosmonaught]

putting in my resume: hire niyo ako kung gusto niyo ng cute na staff

[cosmonaught]

i seem to have trapped myself in an endless cycle of procrastination by playing league of legends, masturbating, watching netflix, resting then looking for something to eat all the while thinking that these are just little things i need to do before i really start doing what i need to do, which is to find work, which i wont do because i'll circle back to playing league after eating, then masturbating and so on and then it's already 10PM again and i'll tell myself to try again tomorrow.

ive done enough portrait shoots, jobstreet bookmarks, and resume revisions but i still cant bring myself to focus on really looking for work. i was already ready before but at this point it feels like im always getting ready. every time ive adjusted to a situation, the world will shift opposite my direction. lockdowns, loss, an entire new shit always. im exhausted.

my brother is pissed for he shoulders the majority of our bills while i try contribute from what little freelance works has given me and do some house works. house works makes me feel a little better but it's only an illusion because that's only a false comfort.

i need to get my shit together.

[cosmonaught]

smol bois 🥺 i luv u all 😚

[cosmonaught]

...I guess I'll take this pain instead of your name. Tonight, I wish I was your boy.

[cosmonaught]

ugh bumili kayo ng bedsheet grip para hindi maluwag at lukot lukot ang sheet sa kama – nakakaimprove ng mental health* 😩✨

*personal exp kasi order and cleanliness soothes me and na-a-agitate ako kapag nararamdaman kong loose yung sheet sa kama at natatanggal

[cosmonaught]

woke up in a good mood because my sheets are still smooth, tight, and intact. mental condition boosted. the little things.

[cosmonaught]

came here to say na hay tangina ang ganda talaga ng the loneliest time

[cosmonaught]

I've let go of all fondness I held for the Pink Campaign because it reminds me of how it ushered the lowest point of my life starting with dad passing away right after I got home from a rally. While I spent the night at a friend's house, dad was having a heart attack and needed to be rushed to the hospital. Mom was alone and helpless to deal with everything. I was being contacted and pinapauwi ako but my phone was glitching that day and put itself on silent. I didnt know. I still went to sleep. I didnt see the messages and missed calls until hours later. I'm still haunted by guilt to this day. Thinking about Mom's state going through that ordeal alone. Thinking what if di na lang ako tumuloy sa rally and di nag-overnight. Did we cause this knowing he gets worried sick when we leave the house to spend the night elsewhere? Did dad know na nakauwi pa ako at naabutan ko pa siya?........Right now I still get the sting in my chest whenever I see those rally posts......I remember feeling so light and so hopeful after that rally only to come home a complete opposite of that....

[cosmonaught]

Life update: I got the job!

Assistant Manager for Graphic Design at an international bank. It's more than I hoped and aimed for. I am so grateful and it all feels so unreal. I didn't think I was qualified to be offered on such level. It's validating. It's exciting. It's a dream come true...but I have to withdraw. Fuck. Solely because of a sudden slump. We're financially struggling. Our savings are depleted to the point that we only have enough for our daily expenses. Our bills? Bahala na. We won't be able to cover the costs of me moving out. We can't afford to pay advances or to even look around for a place to stay. We can't afford to get stuff that I'll need. We can no longer rely on our friends and family. We can't...we just can't afford to do anything drastic right now, we don't have the luxury. Ironic.

My heart breaks. I've worked and wished so hard for this. For a long time I felt inadequate and I thought I finally got a win. I thought I was finally on track again. Not this time, I guess.

I am sorry, self.

[cosmonaught]

16 September 2022. So I tried "painting like a sculptor" following Sinix & Proko's tips from YouTube. I started with a basic blob of the general shape of my drawing using a big brush and I "sculpted" by blocking out colors until I got the shapes I needed.

It's not perfect but I'm so happy how it came out. I've always been so frustrated with my art but I surprised myself this time, I didn't know I was capable of doing something like this.

[cosmonaught]

10 Sept 2022.

Coffee + Art. First of many (methinks).

[matrose]

imagine being the first ancient person to realize that the ocean and their tears taste the same. imagine realizing that your sorrow and the waves share a taste. i wouldve gone crazy

[cosmonaught]

So, I get waves because there's an ocean in me?

[cosmonaught]

I dreamt that I was a school staff by day and an assassin with enhanced skills when I take drugs at night (but I black out so I have no recollection of what I did). I usually get small flashbacks and I remember punching Elon Musk and Jessica Alba on separate occasions during their speeches in eco-friendly conferences for being hypocrites. So one time I was almost caught and I was saved by my student assistant (who was also my student assistant irl) and brought me to hide in a home for retired vampire clowns. I refused because it crept me out was when I saw the clowns racing down the hill – some rode their bikes and some were literally rolling – during the day. My SA allowed me to leave and tearfully gave me a brand new green iPhone13 as a farewell gift. He told me he was gonna miss me and to look at his farewell message written on the notes app and when I did, the phone dinged and I woke up for real to some Messenger notifications.

[cosmonaught]

I dreamt that our neighbors were gonna roast this pure white, baby Hebridean sheep that was clearly a mystical creature because it was literally giving out iridescent sparkles and has six wings on its head instead of the usual four horns. I stole it so I can save it even though it kept headbutting me but I was forced to return the baby sheep because our neighbor tweeted that I sabotaged everything and I was cancelled online :(