Eliot is now holding down fluid, wet food, and dry food. I think some of the initial stress is wearing off, if only because he is glued to me even more than usual.
I will be the first to admit that I have made many mistakes in my life and this year I probably made more than any other year, and even though I was sicker and had even less control over body and brain than any other year by far, that is no excuse for my hurtful behavior.
For now, I will focus on what I do best: loving cats, alongside focusing on something I need a lot of improvement on: feeling secure, not overly apologizing to people, not trashing myself or letting that insecurity bring them down.
I have mixed feelings about affirmations, but I am going to try starting some anyway. To ease myself back into sleep and slow my mind, I will focus on these good things about me:
1. I am good at giving cats, especially abused and troubled cats, long-term homes where they feel loved and happy.
2. I often have interesting things to say and share, whether it's something I'm reading about or random knowledge I have.
3. I try very hard to be kind, and though I have fallen down on the job with this one this year, a good thing about me is that I am very motivated to get back on track; I cannot erase the past or undo damage, but I can be good to people from here on out.
4. I'm pretty good in the kitchen, according to the last person I lived with, and I am highly motivated to get back cooking again.
5. I'm told I'm pretty good in the bedroom, according to the last person I lived with, and I am highly motivated to resume that relationship in the future if both parties want the relationship and my body.
6. I am often the person that people seek out to vent and cry to when good listeners are sparse, whether it is a friend on a psych ward with an IQ of 68 who feels stuck in perpetual childhood or a loved one who maybe doesn't have that many people they trust.
7. When I have the energy, I keep a tidy, pleasant home. Again, this one has fallen by the wayside, but I am including positive things in my affirmations even if I still need to get back to them to remind myself that I *am* capable of doing these things again.
8. I never thought I would say this and maybe it's too personal, as is (5), but I am not an unattractive woman, even if my panic attacks tell me otherwise sometimes. Just because I am a very short brunette with a petite body that's still quite soft in places doesn't make me ugly; people of all shapes and sizes and colors can be attractive, and I am one of them, much of the time. I am almost 37 and I have finally learned how to do the kind of light, subtle makeup that doesn't scream "I'm wearing makeup" but rather "I am sicker than I look, but I know how to play up my assets" and I have also learned what kinds of little dresses and skirts I feel cute in, and I am going on and on here because it's a big challenge to me, but I am *going* to wake up on my 37th birthday this month knowing that the face in the mirror will be a nice one to look at.