possessed of a courage

the Martha Stewart of cat ladies. thirtysomething, she/her, in love, ehlers-danlos, be brave, be kind.

[zutigard]

My fiance told the police I raped her because she was getting arrested and wanted me to go to jail too… now she’s my ex.

[courage-charting]

And for the next four days, I hallucinated him mixed into my ex-husband, who had raped me. I was severely psychotic and didn't know where I was and was immediately sent to the psych ward from the jail -- the only person allowed to leave.

it was absolutely wrong of me to do, as with many things I have done, but by his own words "I have never seen you more crazy". And why would I want him in jail? Who would tend to our cats, ONE OF WHOM DIED ALMOST RIGHT AFTER HE MOVED OUT.

My parents say he wanted to move out; he says they are lying. I believe him, and yet he is saying he is glad to be rid of me and waited almost a month to break up with me until it was my birthday.

Then he refused to care for our cat.

And I'm totally in love with the guy. And on my way to a hospital, assuming I don't crash my car from crying too hard. No: I have done it before, I can do it again, I can get over being hated by someone whom I still love.

[courage-charting]

I am now single, unilaterally his decision. It is also my birthday.

I am going to gather my things and admit myself to the hospital again.

ETA: within a minute or two of this posting, he liked this post despite saying he was blocking me everywhere. I am confused and sad and obviously there are deep cracks in my foundation.

[courage-charting]

A small rant:

[courage-charting]

Lost a fourth post

I am done with this website

[courage-charting]

Are you effing kidding me? Third text post that I lost tonight.

[courage-charting]

Second time tonight (once before sleeping) that I tried & failed to post one, that didn't save as a draft and was just eaten up by Tumblr.

Well screw you, Nancy Drew, maybe someone *wanted* to know about how it tasted like I had been vomiting Spaghetti-Os the whole night.

[courage-charting]

I can’t believe I’ve survived two weeks without you – and knowing for those entire two weeks that I’d never see you again.

Everything is wrong without you, and I’m sorry we all made you work so hard and take care of us.

I love you, little lady. I can’t stop crying and there’s no white bellyfur to rub my face in now. Things went Wrong and your father is still gone, still not here with me and your brother, maybe he never will be, maybe he will be in good time. I want you back. I want all of us back. I miss the four of us. We were such a good family. I didn’t know things could go so wrong so fast. For my part in things, which was the biggest part for sure if you count my illness, even if you don’t count my illness, I am so sorry. I cannot ever explain how sorry I am, just like I cannot explain how devastated I am. I will never forget watching you die. I will never forget being the one to remove your body from the last place you were alive, to move your remains to safe storage in a deep freezer, to call your grandfather and cry and have him carry the box in with me to the doctor. You couldn’t’ve even weighed more than five pounds, and I say this having taken a 4lb kitty for euthanasia when her cancer grew too much; there was no reason for your grandfather to carry you other than to give my body full range to sob.

According to my current level of side effects from bilateral ECT, I will lose the memory of losing you. Permanently. Right now, your suffering and moving the body you once occupied are most of what I see when I close my eyes. I need to make a memorial to you. Your father can contribute when things are ironed out. Even little Eliot will have a part. You will never be forgotten, even if I can’t find a way to remember the very end. How could I forget someone who was both best friend and caregiver for over a decade? You, the gentle but firm ruler of our household, initially left in a cardboard box in the snow in a park adjacent to the Pawtucket Animal Shelter because someone didn’t have the ethics to take you and your sister directly there. I’m so glad you huddled together for warmth. She didn’t last the day out at the shelter. From what I remember, you spent one night there and I took you home the next morning. You had a tick and cried and cried, and people may have overlooked you because they thought you were so intolerant, that you complained a lot. Idiots. We found the tick. You fine from then on out. Maybe that tick served a purpose, keeping you there until I was free on a Saturday morning to arrive at the shelter when it opened. Or maybe there is no such thing as purpose, in that sense. All I know is that I received over a decade of joy from someone rescued from freezing to death. All I know is that I love you. And your brother. And your father.

I miss you, Chloe, I’m always going to miss you. You know as well as I do that there’s probably no god and there’s probably no afterlife. But if a god exists, if there is an afterlife, you are with @elegant242 now, and she will pick up where your father & I left off. You can trust her with everything; I always did.

[motherboxing]

I love the idea that cats hold obnoxious libertarian ideals, because they weigh like 12 pounds and are so easily inconvenienced by hugs. “I do not step shyly back from your property, but look upon it always as my property, in which I respect nothing,” says Binky, but all I hear is “meow! meow! mreh! meow!” and then I pick him up and cradle him like a baby. “I alone am corporeal!” Binky grumbles, which comes out as just a purr. “You’re just a little bweebwee,” I coo at him. “A little bweebwee who wuvs nothing but garbage.”

[c3po]

anyone else bummed they have 2 sleep alone tonight and uh not in some1s arms

[courage-charting]

I had an interesting approach to playing the part of an angel in what I believe was a Catholic Church play about... IDK, I never paid attention in catechism tbh.

[courage-charting]

Eliot is vomiting fluid. I assume this is the stress of losing his father and his sister within two weeks, during which I was gone the majority of the time as well. We cling to each other, alone. We are completely unbalanced without J & C. We don’t know what to do.

Half the family is already lost. If Eliot continues down this path, it will be just me. I am devastated. The only faint smile I manage is seeing how tightly this toothless old man of mine clings to my breast like an infant. Oh, my heart, my heart.

[courage-charting]

Eliot is now holding down fluid, wet food, and dry food. I think some of the initial stress is wearing off, if only because he is glued to me even more than usual.

I will be the first to admit that I have made many mistakes in my life and this year I probably made more than any other year, and even though I was sicker and had even less control over body and brain than any other year by far, that is no excuse for my hurtful behavior.

For now, I will focus on what I do best: loving cats, alongside focusing on something I need a lot of improvement on: feeling secure, not overly apologizing to people, not trashing myself or letting that insecurity bring them down.

I have mixed feelings about affirmations, but I am going to try starting some anyway. To ease myself back into sleep and slow my mind, I will focus on these good things about me:

1. I am good at giving cats, especially abused and troubled cats, long-term homes where they feel loved and happy.

2. I often have interesting things to say and share, whether it's something I'm reading about or random knowledge I have.

3. I try very hard to be kind, and though I have fallen down on the job with this one this year, a good thing about me is that I am very motivated to get back on track; I cannot erase the past or undo damage, but I can be good to people from here on out.

4. I'm pretty good in the kitchen, according to the last person I lived with, and I am highly motivated to get back cooking again.

5. I'm told I'm pretty good in the bedroom, according to the last person I lived with, and I am highly motivated to resume that relationship in the future if both parties want the relationship and my body.

6. I am often the person that people seek out to vent and cry to when good listeners are sparse, whether it is a friend on a psych ward with an IQ of 68 who feels stuck in perpetual childhood or a loved one who maybe doesn't have that many people they trust.

7. When I have the energy, I keep a tidy, pleasant home. Again, this one has fallen by the wayside, but I am including positive things in my affirmations even if I still need to get back to them to remind myself that I *am* capable of doing these things again.

8. I never thought I would say this and maybe it's too personal, as is (5), but I am not an unattractive woman, even if my panic attacks tell me otherwise sometimes. Just because I am a very short brunette with a petite body that's still quite soft in places doesn't make me ugly; people of all shapes and sizes and colors can be attractive, and I am one of them, much of the time. I am almost 37 and I have finally learned how to do the kind of light, subtle makeup that doesn't scream "I'm wearing makeup" but rather "I am sicker than I look, but I know how to play up my assets" and I have also learned what kinds of little dresses and skirts I feel cute in, and I am going on and on here because it's a big challenge to me, but I am *going* to wake up on my 37th birthday this month knowing that the face in the mirror will be a nice one to look at.

[courage-charting]

I think I messed up today. I am very needy. If I can't get back to sleep, I will start writing letters to all my friends who want to know what's going on. Otherwise, early to bed was good, and back to sleep will be good, and I will take care of stressful things first thing in the morning, and then I will write letters to friends. And if people want to text or use Messenger or Skype or something like that, I will let them initiate conversations. Several people have, but I still don't know what time it's okay to write back; over half of these people wrote me very late, but I woke up at least one of them even though they messaged me even later last night? I feel like I have no manners and am walking around demanding comfort after messing my own life up.

One thing I really want to build on is confidence; confidence in my words and multimedia journaling I share here, confidence to record my deeper, more private thoughts in my paper journals, confidence in my ability to converse and be a good companion on any/all levels, confidence in what I look like so that leaving the house doesn't make me feel weird about being seen.

I have a lot of goals after leaving the hospital, and I'll be blogging about them soon. I need to get healthy for myself, but I also need to get healthy for my loved ones. The time to stress them out with my insecurities and problems is over. Sure, if I were to need another lung surgery or rides to ECT, I know my family and possibly even my non-blood family will probably help me out, but I need to lean on them as a loved one, not *use* them to try to meet all my needs.

I know what I need to do. Now is the time to do it (after a nap now and an important appointment tomorrow morning, to be precise).

[courage-charting]

Eliot is vomiting fluid. I assume this is the stress of losing his father and his sister within two weeks, during which I was gone the majority of the time as well. We cling to each other, alone. We are completely unbalanced without J & C. We don't know what to do. Half the family is already lost. If Eliot continues down this path, it will be just me. I am devastated. The only faint smile I manage is seeing how tightly this toothless old man of mine clings to my breast like an infant. Oh, my heart, my heart.

[courage-charting]

Just realized I wasn't really going to blog, just reference Xiu Xiu between dry heaves of grief. I have lost my cat, I have lost my partner, I have lost almost all of my money, I have lost the respect of everyone I know, I deserve none of these. I have to hold it together for Eliot, I have to keep trying ECT for my own sake.. but if it's hopeless, then...?

[courage-charting]

RIP, 2006-2017. The hurricane came. You Abided. Don Gately has nothing on you. You did everything for me. We both love you until the end of time. May this next world, should it exist, be better than this one.

[courage-charting]

Please tell me if this is not okay to blog, but I found it in a folder on my iPad entitled "A Good Way Not To Die" and, like, well. This has been my year of being sent away, albeit under very different circumstances and for far far shorter periods of time (though with decisions made in my absence that will seriously mess up many things for many years to come), and I had started to think of myself as a big giant leech who didn't even deserve a halfway decent Exile Institution (yes, i did avoid residential, opting instead for ECT done inpatient and outpatient), and anyway, well. I cannot say how good it is to be their friend, period, but to have made them feel good? Yes, this.

[courage-charting]

Time to weather the literal storm now.

[courage-charting]

(My dad wanted to know if 120mg of Xanax would last me the month?)