Courtney O's journal

So surreal it must be real. Alien female making sense of the world through poetry. Art @courtneyohart

[courtneyreloadedagain]

You thought you could buy blowjobs with candy sticks

You thought you could bruise me as long as we kissed

And you were the candy to me

Two perverts we were - Hum 35 Lolita 23

Your black eyes called me like mystery

Your face spoke of the darkness - I was enticed

It was you - but it was also me...



...non consensual grey line sex

You never ask me; I always say yes

Because I really crave your flesh

I was a fuckdoll with no thoughts

And you played Bikini Kill songs though

I liked the sex, what can I say?

Or I just didn't know how to escape?

I didn't know best.

Why do we cum in pain?



We were perverts

but you crossed the line

and blurred it to your benefit

How sad to be a slave by sex hypnotized

I was mesmerized by God's face through devil's hand

You thought you could shut my mouth

with your mediocre lollipop

abused me and called it love

rape of my soul, did it turn you on?

I cried and toiled and choked -you lie to yourself-

but you didn't care

Why do we cum in pain?



But I grew up, Lolita always does

And her fantasies crystallize

And her heart gets tired

And she sees the other side

Lolita screamed goodbye

Couldn't sustain your lie

Lolita cried every night

for her perfect Humbert nightmare



I am fire, I am chthonic sex

I love fiercely and you know it well

It was me who freed herself - it wasn't you

I have that flame

I'm the fire of my home

You have nothing at all

[courtneyreloadedagain]

hiatus

Staying home watching TV

Lefties' ad flashing on the screen

Small things broke me

Small things will set me free

It's hiatus poetry

Watching the shapes unfold in front of me

Everything simply is - all at once

Pills and doing nothing at all

Waiting all the time for your call

I'm on the queue and I'm not yet done

These dark adolescence days

Are back at my door "did you think of us?"

Thinking of you every step of the way

Small things broke us down

Small kisses will build back our town

We've got the power and we've got the drive to go far

The portal we opened with our touch

Thank you, endless, for that

Life will tell what's real but - I can't wait to tear off

the petals from us

[courtneyreloadedagain]

brutal grey

The grey has a fosforescence

Multilayered grey

Brutal grey soaking up the day

Drowsy dreamy grey

My broken Xmas - scarves and wool hats

And too many doubts

And hearts around in this mess they call

growing up, it hurts

Masks and skeletons abound

I'm getting closer, circling around

This is new, this is old, and this is the whole

You can't feel horror if you are numb

You can't feel bad in a tinsel spree

or making wishes to the Christmas tree

It bleeds so much - it's a tourniquet to me

Drown me in hospitals and intensive care

Drown me in Gaspard Ulliel smiling at me

from the cover of a magazine and some sense

Drown me in waiting rooms where something blooms

Drown me in dreams aspiring to never materialize

They are already nice

Waiting for nothing else

No saving flames

It's only me and myself

The city lights shine so much

I'm crippled and won't go back to war

I'm tired as fuck

The city lights, shine like campy Suns...

And I'm fine with that

[courtneyreloadedagain]

Surrogate father I nearly fuck

Left him abruptly - everything was too much

Talking to him in the couch

My favorite father - Angela and Lester

Didn't die they grew up

Now they're talking in the night

A connection past the border lines

[courtneyreloadedagain]

olanzapine

I want to dissolve

I want to stop

Drown me in Olanzapine

Drown me between my sheets

And dream till I feel me

or at least, I don't feel so sick.

Sick to touch, sick for love

I need to cope

Make me tear down my locks

From my shards create a core

He's not here

But whatever

I've got Olanzapine

Waking up late

Letting days walk away

[courtneyreloadedagain]

For him

Heading to the ER

Unaware of what comes next

The explosion we beget

I won't easily forget

But you have to remain honest

First of all, to yourself

I'll be your friend

Your best friend

That's what I call a twin flame.

[courtneyreloadedagain]

Rota, Cádiz

Twilight joy, night breeze

Lolita wannabe at 23

Everyone is trying to be happy

A vacant smile in my face

I'm defective but now I'm fully aware

Food to fade all the pain

Pizza like a midnight song

Toppings like party drums

I choose to break down no more

You choose not to impair my growth

COME BACK

GIVE UP CONTROL

YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH A LOT

Fallow times for growing up

[amargedom]

“If you’re interested in something, you will do what is convenient. If you’re committed to something, you will do whatever it takes.”

—

[courtneyreloadedagain]

Know you are pulling away

I can't hide it from my sight

You will break your chains and you will smile

And likely it won't be by my side

But it's okay

I'm fine, I'm glad I took you so far

It hurts but it's right

You loved me so much

I am the art and i love my creator

No one knows what comes next

But the road is made of little steps

I wear your sweater, heavy sleep and heavy days

I will switch off the day you wake

It hurts to know that you won't stay

You're going away

You're not to blame

Time will tell but it shows the pattern already

You are not fit for this

Your pain devours you inside

You're not to blame, it was everything one day

Little by little, week by week

We are disappearing - i know what i see

[courtneyreloadedagain]

Singing Britney Spears

Kissing on your couch

Licking your tears because you'll be my baby

The only tragedy was

we loved each other too much

Your blue eyes make me feel home

You can't forget an alien match

At least I won't

I touched myself thinking of us

Don't know if I'll ever stop

And this time I won't tell you

But you know that I do

This broken lass loves you so much

But we have to come right

You say if we ever meet someone

I will be okay even if I don't

Going to lessons, your name in the walls

A little pang in my heart - you started the revolution

We're not gone - we just morphed

I will sleep with your sweater on

I love you no matter what

[courtneyreloadedagain]

Why did you do this to me

When we were about to take off?

Why did you turn someone different

When we had arrived at the doors?

A bride at the altar

With my dress and my tiara

And you're not there

You became a carcass

Of all I thought you were

Why did the events go like that

You're my shiny star

You're my favorite man

I've lost all I am

And no one can put back

I was sliding towards hell

You said I'll be there

Those were just words

I felt lonely again

Looking at the face of horror

You decided to sneak out

And never told me where

I have no powers I'm empty

Sweet sedation allows me to exist

Complete avoidance

The way I can be me

You were my everything!!

A night with no nightmares or dreams

Sweet sedation coagulates my tears

My soul has been pulled out from me

I love you so intensely

The first man I loved so much

You've puzzled me

And now I can't feel my skin

Don't know what comes next

All of my sides loved you to death

But they've gone silent and hid away

Only this shell remains

Nothing to lose and nothing to gain

You made heaven out of hell

Baby I'm empty you're not guilty

But you do not fill me anymore

The end of my days

The end of love

You sucking me dry just like the rest

When I'm already vacant myself

Mom said buy a satisfier

But I can't handle the thought of anyone

Sweet sweet sedation

Pull out the investment from my thoughts

Sweet sweet sensation

I do not know anything anymore

A painful widow i am

Ravaged by true love

Sex is the hammer and

Sex is the glue

I give up

I'll have to create something new

I'm broken i won't be fixed

No hope for me outside shrinks

Flashbacks from me

Flashbacks from what we've been

We were one

That's the tragedy

[courtneyreloadedagain]

8 to 5

I could make it

at the bank

9 hours there

9 hours that I waste

9 hours that are so fake

My anger grew everyday

Untidy house - matching my mess

Feeling so stripped from myself

Humming words and songs to keep me alive

Fringes of the day swelling before they die

A fantasy that I exist

Weird feeling in my head, I can't do

because I can't rest

Leave the room have a little fit

Open your eyes you're back again here

Maybe I'm still a brat

truth is you are tearing me apart

I thank God for everything yet

I blame him for all my shit

It's just narration - not the real thing

but the best we can achieve

I can cope but I can't be

I swear it's just only me

[courtneyreloadedagain]

I will run to no one else

Closed in my shell

It's boring but it's best

Stay fucking away

Stay fucking away

You sucked my blood and my body

I am easily drained

I was reorganizing our pain

But you run away

So let it be, I love you too much

but I can't let myself be used

in the name of love

because it ain't even love

How good to drown in your hallucinatory world

never going back to reality!

I wanted to hallucinate with you

so it would become true

but you're coming alive so you're dead

I will never leave the psych ward - it's the last place

where the good souls remain

it's a place full of pain but it's the only place

where I've been truly heard

[courtneyreloadedagain]

sad girl

the worst thing ever

we'll survive

everyone is already dead,

so let romanticism kill me instead

I'll be dead, but I can say:

I was alive one day

I held a match in my hand

it felt like the Sun

I transferred you all my power

now I'm empty - and I know this ain't really love

it's interlaced with a agonizing pulse

But I'm tired of being healthy enough

to be fucked in a Saturday night and be left alone

when I haven't even cum

No, take out the Tinder nights from me

take all this world out from me

it hurts excesively, because it's all I need

I can't weave my story these days

I would wish to. But you're like the rest.

You're turning something else.

I'm turning this mess.

Exes, keep away. Feeding on dead meat,

that's all you really wish

So weak, I can't help it

Is it my past or is it me?

Love is such a doubt but it is the answer

we crave constantly

Sad girl, yes that's me

I feel balanced when I know

the real matter the world is made of

is not love, but tears

The world is sick, and so am I

I tried to save us, so give me

my dose of healthy despair

of hiding in my room, and knowing

there's nothing else - no love and no porn

we just have to take care of each other

the best way we can - knitted together

because we ache

I understand the monks when they refuse sex

it's a bidirectional way - to heaven and hell

I got sick - because I thought I'd be healed

Everyone is dead - and it feels better that way

sometimes

But I can't stop feeling, can't stop spilling,

can't stop craving, can't stop bonding,

and you say I'm the one who's sick!

Maybe so, just in a different way from the world.

Leave me at once - I can't cope

it all hurts too much - you seemed my soul

you ran away, like a reflex - never mind

I'm a volcano, I'm dangerous - but I store

the secrets of the Earth in my guts

Another cut cord, though

[courtneyreloadedagain]

nature

Nature We're your unprodigal sons and daughters We owe you all - burning passion, heinous disasters Can you see the beauty can you see the pain can you see all we wanted going down the drain can you see us pulling, pushing Mother we despise, mother that we are

Hard-wired, we walk This is our nature made out of branches and cables Nature you're the enabler we pray thee, we are you Don't forget; you are us too. Like Oedipus, we're kings on the run and we can't hide from

This shortcut shows me the road This is a fight that creates so much (I am one with nature so I can see God) We shine - but like neons or stars? The neons sucked my soul dry The Sun makes me come alive But being I, this alien human too I prefer sometimes, make-believe to truth (no hard line between these two) My fate is to grow circuits to see through to grow lush gardens in my printed boards Open your mind, please don't make any sense You're the Universe

[courtneyreloadedagain]

eyes of the world

Eyes of the world - modify,

you adapt, then you die

stuck on your skull - replacing your thoughts

eyes of the world - and they're numb

Dissociation - hidden tool to make you succumb

Your vision scratches to see

But the eyes of the world won't let you be

Their advice limits, makes you feel - unfree

you don't inhabit my skin - anyway, I let you in -

and this is no longer me - you make a stiff mess

I don't need you - flight impaired

The eyes of the world

you swallowed, they swallow you back

will make you

get a job, a table at the restaurant

and a lot of money on your account

But at night - you still can't moan

But at night - you wonder

is it you who tosses and turns?

who's this stranger? that tries to feel

and just aimlessly wanders?

[courtneyreloadedagain]

tune in

I am back - I never went away

All you've been - all you are today

The heart never rests, it heals and re-creates

The glass breaks to the old tunes

It never forgets

So, tune in to this old station

Of songs awakening dormant wide-eyed passions

And watch her come back, say look at me

We are one - we will always be

And I show this stranger her real name

And we talk in the rain

Washing out our pain...

And she shows me the path

In a meeting from above that goes beyond time

She is back, she crashes into my brain

She is dead - but I am not dead yet

And it was true - but I could hear something else

The distant voice - the scream - of the old self

Saying, showing:

"The wounds you carried

they beat below the stitches, but it's not the pain only,

it's the heartbeat of the living"

Everything is dying and eternal,

waiting to regenerate...

watch out for the demons

but speak to them first