Why would you say yes if it harms you?? Like it’s valid to say no if something harms you
I think you’re referring to my recent post about the nuance between putting yourself first and recognizing that healthy relationships sometimes involve choosing to inconvenience ourselves or make sacrifices for people we care about.
If so, I think you’re interpreting “costs you something” to mean “harms you,” and those aren’t the same thing.
It is absolutely valid to say no to something that would harm you. It’s also valid to say no to something simply because you don’t want to do it. My point wasn’t that we should ignore our boundaries or allow ourselves to be harmed for other people.
I was talking about the fact that sometimes we voluntarily inconvenience ourselves or give up something for someone we care about.
For example, yesterday my friend M cooked dinner for a group of us. Afterwards, she was cleaning the kitchen while everyone else was socializing. I was exhausted and I wanted to sit down with everyone too, but I stayed and helped her clean.
She didn’t ask me to. She didn’t expect me to. I could have gone and sat down, and I wouldn’t have been doing anything wrong.
Helping her cost me something. I gave up some of my limited energy and some time I could have spent relaxing and socializing. I didn’t have fun cleaning. But she had cooked for us all day, and with two of us cleaning, we finished much faster and both got to go sit with everyone sooner.
That was an inconvenience. It wasn’t harm.
And that distinction is really what my post was about. Sometimes doing something for another person costs us something, and that alone doesn’t make doing it unhealthy.
You’re allowed to decide that a cost is too much and say no. You’re also allowed to look at that cost and decide, “Yeah, this is worth it to me.”
Having boundaries means you get to make that choice. It doesn’t mean you always have to choose the option that costs you the least.
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