brain map

[coy-scouts]

haven’t updated in a bit because longform journaling really is a weak spot of mine but i am ok!

[coy-scouts]

thursday was my birthday. went to 555 and talked and walked around with e. around an hour after class. met with b at small cheval for some bougie burgers, which were absolutely delicious. couldn’t go too hard since b had work the next day and i had to attend prof. k’s class.

i’ve spent almost every weekend with b that it feels like muscle memory now. i slept over at his on the 16th, friday, after picking up some sashimi from joong boo. morning of the 17th, we got brunch at tweet, near his apartment. it’s a pretty ok brunch spot that turns into a gay bar at night. then we headed to get out monkeypox vaccines at lakeview. while we were parked outside the clinic this pedestrian appeared to spray something on the passenger’s door, which bothered me all day, although we didn’t see any residue on the car. we had time to kill before his abc event downtown so we grabbed mojito lattes at philz in lincoln park. the vibes at lincoln park were really bad--just rich white people. he seemed really bummed out, which made me feel bad, as usual, thinking that it was either my fault that he wasn’t happy and/or it was my immediate responsibility to make everything better for him.

we drove downtown for his abc event. i went to the harold washington library, which is the main branch of the chicago public library. it was huge and had a really creepy, liminal space vibe, which i loved but also made me very uncomfortable. i’ll definitely make another visit sometime. we regrouped after his event, and he still seemed really sad. we decided to drive to unique. i ordered bao from this odd super ghost kitchen to-go spot nearby, so we picked those up. he said he wasn’t hungry, but knowing him, i ordered food for two, which we split. 

we went back to his and got high, as usual. we played guitar and sang; he made gyoza, and i cooked the sashimi from last night (it felt right to). the next day, he really wanted to make chicken korma, so we picked up ingredients from shan. i cooked the korma for him and i think i did a really good job. after lunch he started to feel a little sluggish from the vaccine. we both took a nap. i was so feverish when we woke up, but he was feeling better. he had a hang with a.v. and k.j. that night so he drove me home en route. i felt so sick when i got home and decided to order a pizza from jet’s (which took over an hour to get to me!). a.v. and k.j. came from a trip to michigan and brought b home some gummies. on his way back from theirs, he dropped by mine and split them with me.

i was feeling really sick that night. i emailed prof. k preemptively in case i couldn’t make it to class the next day. still felt horrible in the morning, only made worse by my stomach (i guessed it was all the cheese of the pizza)--i emailed prof b. to say i couldn’t make it to class that day either, which was unfortunate since i was up for workshop that week. i ended up being able to zoom into my workshop meeting, so that was ok.

tuesday, sick too--don’t remember much, but i was running out of food so i got myself together and did groceries at tony’s before it closed.

wednesday, made it to prof. k’s class. picked up an inhaler at the pharmacy. prosem is my favorite class, but the vibes were so off that night. j.s. had tested positive the week before and wasn’t in class--neither did m.v. who was traveling, and both of them are big talkers in class. so it was pretty awkward. got dinner with most of the folks afterwards at this deeply meh bar near the school. i swear we have to find better places to get dinner. stayed up late to half-ass half an output for 555.

thursday, went to 555 barely prepared, but prof m.b. is so low-stakes so he said i could turn in my stuff at another time. hung out with e. again after class, just standing outside the building. i don’t really know how to communicate with him (although i’ve said this explicitly) that i’d love to hang out with him after class if he doesn’t have anything that night, since he and i have been talking at least half an hour after class every thursday and walking around. i accompanied him to target since he needed to buy paper towels, and went home. had one of b’s new gummies on the train. floated through that night. p.m. started chatting me up at one point and we started calling on facetime, which, as you might imagine, culminated in jacking off. i’m still not very used to virtual messing around on facetime but p.m. is very silly and gracious about it.

i’m pretty sure i have a little crush on e.: i keep learning so many things about him. but at the same time, he remains such an intriguing enigma. i can’t tell if he likes me, or if i’m being annoying and clingy (to be fair, i am like that to the cohort in general). still can’t tell if he’s queer or not and i wouldn’t be surprised if he was either since he’s given like, so little to work with. it’s like, you kind of expect someone to say something so virulently straight or so obviously gay and he’s done neither. i feel like he and i are both skirting around something. i haven’t mentioned b to him (why?). 

friday, went to campus for prof. b’s class and stuck around to work on 555 stuff, which i didn’t finish. went home and finished work at home. kept trying to get into a text conversation with e., in case he’d be down to hang out the next day.

today, well. today still feels like it’s hinging on that awkward interaction with b. and the fact that i’m not spending tonight at his place. besides that--after feeling like i was constantly pestering e. about hanging out (he replies sparsely--i guess he’s a lot like j.m. when it comes to communication--reminds me a lot of n.s.p. too, which has been eerie) he says he’s free tomorrow afternoon but doesn’t really know where to go or what to do. i’m too drained to think about that right now (i know he’s awake, i could probably just text him), but maybe that will sort itself out tomorrow.

i miss b and i wish we could spend this rainy night together.

[coy-scouts]

sorry for the lack of updates, i guess i haven’t built the habit of journaling or typing down some things at the end of the day. oddly enough, i think duolingo has already become a habit of sorts because i get really worried when i’m not able to do it, which is really hilarious, since i’m annoyed the whole time i’m doing it.

sad tonight because of a weird convo with b. we both got high (in our respective apartments) and i felt really touchy and cuddly and said i wanted to come over. i guess that was what we were agreeing on, that i could come over and have dinner there. then he asked if there were any byob places near me, and asked if i wanted to have a little dinner date. i said yes, but we started to get into a little confusing argument since he first said he’d pick me up, then we’d go somewhere like taste of cuba which he’s really been wanting to try. then he suggested we just take public and meet there since it’s between where we are--also since he wanted to drink. i told him that the edible was kicking my ass (it really was at the moment, and i still feel the residual high now) and i’d have a difficult time packing my stuff (with the intention of going home with him and sleeping over). i know i didn’t have to, but i was also worried about drinking on top of being high. the whole logistics of the situation started to worry me, especially since i had also planned to go see e. the next day. 

i don’t recall the moment well, but he somehow changed his mind a another time and said he didn’t feel like going anymore. this made me feel bad, since i felt like it was because of my inability to follow along with his plan. i know i shouldn’t have to force myself and there’s nothing wrong with recognizing that i’m way too overstimulated to do something like that! but he looked really disappointed out of nowhere and i felt bad. i started apologizing and he said it wasn’t my fault, but nothing about what he said reassured me. i asked if i could still come over if i shook off the high eventually, and he said we should just see each other another day. this gutted me, and i sulked in bed until i fell asleep.

i woke up at around 7:30 and messaged him--he said he was fixing dinner, and i asked if i could still come over to his. i didn’t want to take public all the way over to his that late, especially since i still felt a little bit high. he told me he’d rather have alone time that night, and it would be better to see me tomorrow, or sometime else this week.

I love you, and I love you still, and working this out with you also requires that I am honest ab when I need to take my time so I can love better

i feel bad every time he feels bad. i’m still trying to understand the malaise he’s been feeling in the last few months--in my head i keep blaming myself, feeling bad about the state of our relationship, thinking that i’m a big reason for all his dissatisfaction with his life. i know i’m not. but it pains me to see him so unhappy, and also see the decline in his being sweet to me verbally, physically. i can feel him losing hope. is it solely hope in our relationship? frankly, i am too, but i’m trying to keep it together. i really don’t know what i’d do if we’d break up. i really don’t. even the logistics of dealing with that devastation i can’t even visualize. please don’t leave me, b. i’m doing everything i can, but i can’t force you if you don’t want to.

[coy-scouts]

woke up early monday to go to prof. k’s class and observe, which kind of just blew by. met him afterwards. hung out a bit in the office between that class and workshop. lately i’ve been feeling underwhelmed by workshop, uninspired with the content and with the dynamics of the actual workshop going on, but today was a little bit better. there were more people present in my group and the discussion was a bit more incisive and meaty. d’s bff marcelo was present at the latter half of the class to talk about his work and his latest writing, which was really nice. i’m quite sick of the white guys in the class, honestly, asking dumb questions and basically just feeling like creeps.

marcelo had a reading an hour later. m.d.h. immediately walked up to me after class and asked me what my plan was. she also was like “is class always this interesting?” turns out she’s been high most of the time and she recently ran out of weed, so she had to rawdog this one. apparently this whole time she’s been neither shy nor suplada and instead a secret third thing, that third thing being baked. lol. m.d.h. and i ended up walking to the bookstore, which was in west loop. no cheap food around there, except jet’s (should have went to jet’s). bumped into j.s. who is in our workshop and i talked to a bit at the department social. he came with us to this really expensive and mid poke place--nearly $18 for a “regular” bowl. fuck west loop. but we were starving. had a nice little chat with m.d.h. and j.s. and j.s. let us in on a salon series he’s been involved in. he seems way more tapped into the local writing and d.i.y. scene which i’d love to also dip my toes in. the next salon is this wednesday, but we have prosem so i guess we’re skipping out.

reading was cool, two senior phd students (i loved m.w.’s work, short queer fiction from kentucky), marcelo, and rocío ceron, who read in spanish and had some odd and interesting video/sound installation stuff. was nice to be in a bookstore and a reading again but the feeling was still off (like a third of us were masked). took the train home with j.s. and b.f.

exhausted! but so much reading to do, and a very logically annoying set of errands just to bring suman to class on wednesday. they better eat that shit.

[coy-scouts]

saturday! didn’t get much work done, but ended up heading to b’s to join him and p for peking duck. it was pricy, but super delicious. after which we decided to check out the mid-autumn festival block party on argyle, which was a lot of fun. there were two stages with performers on argyle and winona, i think. we stuck around to listen to some of the music--at one point there was a man rapping in vietnamese, which was really cool. p said he was in the mood for boba, but all of the places nearby were either packed or closed--i jokingly suggested checking out tiger sugar, which just opened in chinatown. p drove the four of us there--it was a cool, crisp summer night, frankly one of those that you write about in the y.a. novel. at one point, j.j. was taking a look at the people performing at the aragon near b’s and mentioned santigold, and p and i started fangirling real hard--turns out p had some mix cd’s in the car and found the one that had “i’m a lady” on it. we blasted it driving down lake shore drive. tiger sugar was tasty, but a bit too expensive. probably just a special occasional treat, but frankly maybe not even that good to merit such a rare status.

went back to b’s to sleep at his. my extrovert levels were through the roof, and i had a hard time sleeping. b was ready to knock out, but i kept giggling and cuddling and kissing him, which he seemed to like. the next morning, the temperature dropped significantly, and b and i were cuddling and kissing just like old times. i felt really good about it. he was so tender and sweet--a feeling i’ve been missing so much. i wanted to fuck him so bad, or at least eat him out, but he didn’t clean out so we just settled for jacking off together.

rain was nuts that day. b had no food, so we thought of going out for brunch, but were also a bit hesitant granted how much money we’d been spending lately. we ended up taking gummies and walking to mariano’s to buy breakfast food, which was closed due to unforeseen flooding. chicago was flooding! ended up walking to jewel osco for the stuff, again wading in all that water. it felt like the philippines. i was a little worried for my apartment, since it was below ground level and i left the windows slightly ajar. i asked b to drive me home (he had to head to an abc event in rogers park), and he did. the apartment was ok, but i was so exhausted that i pretty much napped for the rest of the day. it’s weird how temperature changes (or even humidity changes) make me feel like i’m about to get sick. i’ve been feeling it all the time.

[coy-scouts]

also, there’s a big lit fest happening downtown this weekend but i’ve been too lazy to go. k.c. and b.f. were there are one point. i feel odd about not wanting to go because things like this are precisely why i moved to chicago. 

texted e about it but no response. of course my brain goes to “i wonder if he’s annoyed by me” territory, although there’s a billion different reasons for that. hate hyperfocusing like this. wish we could hang out.

speaking of, j.h. texted me last night while i was high and seemed to be really entertained by the fact that i took edibles. she said she wanted to hang out high, which feels so high school, but whatever. i’m glad i’m making friends. she’s really sweet and has a really good vibe in the cohort. 

[coy-scouts]

while i was starting to get high last night, p texted and asked if it was ok if he could drop over some of his leftover hair product since he was getting a big haircut soon. he then said he was going to seafood city because he wanted jollibee, and asked if i wanted to come with. i told him i was high and he said he probably would be too.

we did end up going to seafood city, but jollibee was so full that they announced it would take a while for all that food to cook. phil said we should head out and get dinner at this korean place in lincoln square, but he wasn’t sure if they did takeout. i suggested parson’s in andersonville, since they had a huge patio and had really good fries. we headed to andersonville and picked up b en route, since he hadn’t had dinner yet. it was a really cute gay boy fellowship time, and we were all pretty baked. unfortuantely parson’s didn’t have any fries, so they gave us complimentary sides (mashed potatoes and hush puppies) on the house. p paid for dinner, which was really sweet of him.

after dropping b off, we headed back to irving, but ended up chatting on the curb for nearly an hour. i told p about me and b’s scenario, from the dynamic changing since we moved, to what happened with g. p is a good six years older than b and i so it felt good to be talking to a queer kuya of sorts, even if we are different people.

i tried to get work done today (i didn’t), and asked b if we could hang out. he went thrifting this afternoon, and had dinner plans with p and j.j. i guess i’m joining them for dinner. b and i got into a bit of a minor argument about logistics. i don’t like when we fight, and i feel like he stacks up all these moments of friction when he thinks about the finality or the state of our relationship. it was just a little frustration with planning, that’s all. i hate that i have to be right all the time. it wasn’t even that much of a big deal. 

i’m probably spending the night at his tonight, so we’ll see. 

[coy-scouts]

today i woke up feeling really sluggish, with a headache. i was supposed to observe prof. k’s class today since i’ll be teaching it next semester. decided i couldn’t make it so i just sent him an email and went back to bed. p.m. messaged me on the finsta and we traded nudes a bit, i jacked off until i shot a huge load, then fell asleep. p.m. is really cute, but i wish things felt less mechanical or dry with him, or i wish i’d have other folks to fool around virtually with. there have been other folks, but it feels weird to like, awkwardly instigate things with them after a long while of not interacting in that way.

the department is having a faculty colloquium today, which is supposed to be one of those important things you’re supposed to attend to establish rapport and network with the department. wasn’t feeling well enough for that, either. i was also supposed to get a second covid booster today, but since b and i are getting our second dose monkeypox next week, apparently you’re not supposed to have both in the span of 4 weeks. so it looks like that booster’s going to have to weight. a bit nerve wracking since covid scares have been around a lot lately.

my parents made the usual really annoying comments about my health and body last night, which really ruined my mood. i’m still really bitter about it today. i talked to n about it, and i’m still trying to get used to being closer and more open with her now that she’s a grown up. so far i’ve only told her about my relationship with b, which she seems to be supportive and enthusiastic about. i wish i could tell her about how tricky things have been with him too. anyway, n said a lot about how much my parents miss me and are still holding on hope that i’ll be coming back, but she says she understands if i eventually decide not to come home. i don’t know. i really want to have a better relationship with my parents, and the space that being abroad really affords that buffer in between us, but i’m also just so busy living and trying to enjoy my life here. i wish they’d humble themselves and be the ones to reach out, but i don’t think they will. maybe when my inevitable distancing sets in, but i don’t know when that’s gonna be.

i’m having some cute feelings about e in my cohort, because he’s so mysterious and aloof but friendly when he’s around. he doesn’t have any social media which is simultaneously infuriating but also alluring. i genuinely can’t tell if he’s queer or not. he’s so shy, but not in a standoffish way like m.d. i’m hoping we get to be closer through the program. if it ever gets there, i probably shouldn’t mess around, b issues or no, since i’ll probably be around him for the next six years. but it’s nice to have a little happy crush, i think.

b should be done w work as i type this and i’m hoping he wants to do stuff this weekend. i love spending time with him, still, but i feel like he thinks it’s becoming an obligation, a regular routine thing. i’m still in love with him and want to be around him. it’s getting harder and harder to tell if he still feels the same way, which makes me really sad.

i just popped an edible so i guess there goes my night.

[coy-scouts]

for what it’s worth, i love living in chicago. it’s been my dream for so long. i just wish i had more money and more energy. being sedentary in madison was so easy. here, i can’t really coop up at home. i take the train to school 3 times a week, i take the bus almost every day. the pandemic still looms over me like a cocoon but americans don’t care anymore, it’s so disheartening and scary.

i’ve been making some friends, mostly folks from abc with b. i really want to develop a deeper relationship with my phd cohort but many of them either seem so antisocial or already very immersed in the program. i’m not teaching this semester so i want to make the most out of that time. 

the weather’s been consistently hot and humid which has been taking a toll on my physical health. i’m so tired all the time. i finally saw a doctor and got prescribed a twice daily inhaler for all the wheezing and trouble breathing that i’ve been having. it’s gotten so much better since, but i still feel super out of shape. i need to find a way to get exercise beyond commuting to and from school, which is already so much walking and climbing. 

i want to get better at sex, too. the few times i’ve been able to dick b down real good still haven’t lasted that long, or i’d cramp up midway. mostly he rides me, which is still a favorite of ours, but i know he wants me to rough it up a bit. i can’t really do much about the dimensions of my body, but stamina and rhythm could definitely be better. i’m trying my best! i can be better. my libido’s been really weird, as has his. i know it’s mostly been the pandemic’s effects on my body, but he and i have also been really bad at intimacy since we both started living in chicago. i gotta switch it up a bit, but i don’t know how yet. especially with this emotional rift between us.

[coy-scouts]

haven’t updated this in over a year, a lot has happened. i moved to chicago to start a phd. b has been living here since last august so it’s been an experience relearning distance, proximity, and time with him. i’m excited, mostly. i want to explore and experience so much with him, but i know it’s also important that we grow as individuals, especially him, since it’s his first time being on his own and away from family.

he and i have been in very rocky waters ever since he met g. it’s been a lot. i don’t really know if i can recount everything right now if at all. we’re still together, or at least trying to keep it together. i feel sad about it most of the time, but i feel like i’m doing the best i can and he really just has to meet me halfway. i feel a lot of doubt about that, about him compromising. sometimes i feel like it would be best (or cleaner, at least) if we parted ways. but most of the time i can’t even imagine what that would be like. i’m so scared. i wouldn’t know what to do. i can’t even visualize how life (or how i myself) would be after. i’d be so devastated, for sure. i wish i could go back to where we go, even half a year ago. he claims that so much in him has changed--as if g was a catalyst for this foundational shift. i still struggle to believe that.

i haven’t spoken to k in a long time, even before leaving madison. i hope they’re alright. we only hooked up that once but i still value them--or do i even, if i haven’t reached out in what seems to be most of the year?

i feel like the world is already beginning to stabilize but my mind hasn’t gotten back to where it was since the pandemic. i might have even had it more together at the beginning, when it was really “hitting hard”, than where i am now.

maybe journaling will help. i’m really lonely and i wish i had someone to talk to, other than b. mostly to give him space, but also because it should be normal to you know, actually have friends. all the ones i’ve had since moving to america i rarely speak to anymore. 

[coy-scouts]

got such little work done i feel like such a puddle of slop.

a.s’s dad passed away last week and i can’t imagine the grief she must be going through on top of the immense stress of the pandemic and finally finishing her phd. i shouldered all her classes last week which ate up a lot of time but it was better than i expected. it’s been so hard communicating with her this past year because of her introversion and the online format of everything, and our new professional relationship has really put a strain on our personal relationship, which really breaks my heart. k.o. got an update from her today and she said she’s taking time to grieve alone, which, understandable--but she also mentioned that she’s been having trust issues with those close to her/around her and i couldn’t help thinking that might have something to do with me, especially since i didn’t tell her right when b.e. asked me to take up her class in the fall. i’m also afraid i’m never doing the right thing in her class and as t.a. and a filipino speaker i’m so wildly unqualified.

i almost got my hopes up with meeting up again with k this weekend, but they decided on a whim to get their ear pierced and have alone time, which i honestly felt bummed about, then i immediately felt bummed about feeling bummed about it. i really want to spend time with them irl and i’d be lying if i didn’t want to mess around again, i’ve been thinking about them and their body a lot and i just want to eat them out until i’m immensely tired. but also like, hang out of course. i just feel so starved of physical intimacy and this whole new phase in the open relationship that i’d really like to relive two weekends ago again. honestly i think i’ve jinxed it a little bit since i keep bringing up my new arrangement with the with other folks but i don’t know.

b is finalizing his visit and i’m a bit nervous about how it’ll play out since it’ll be the longest time he’ll be here. we might do a quick nashville roadtrip in between to see k.m. and a.i., which i’m looking forward too. we’re all going to be careful of course and everyone’s vaccinated, but i can’t help feeling like i’m doing this immense tug of war between being too safe and not letting myself do things that i can already do (like take the bus). i think the pandemic has really impaired how i move around in the world. even moving around in physical spaces. i think i should take more walks now and go out bike since it’s getting warmer, but my apartment as a space is just too comfortable and impossible to leave--but it’s not like i’m getting any work done there too…

anyway another week. this weekend went so fast and i just spent all of it pretending to want to work. i didn’t obviously.

[coy-scouts]

b is really bummed out about his job and how stuck he feels with his family and work. i feel so useless when it comes to comforting him although i know there really isn’t much i can do, but even distracting him or cheering him up with something unrelated to everything but it’s no good. i haven’t even thought about what to get him for his birthday which is in a month. i haven’t even used the $50 he sent me to get him something. sometimes i’m so scared he’ll leave me because i’ve been so busy or at least not making some kind of effort to transcend the brain-dead routine of my life to make time and energy for him. i think it’s the pandemic but i don’t remember how it was like before at this point. i hope we’ll be able to patch things up when he visits soon, but even that’s uncertain right now.

finally hooked up with k on the weekend and it was deeply hot. b was so generous about it. we started kissing on k’s sofa and took it to the bedroom. i really like their body, it’s so broad and new and affirming to be messing around with someone like me. they’re so tall too. we can’t kiss without me tiptoeing and them bending down. when i went down to suck them off they said in the dark that they’d been fantasizing about that and it felt really good to hear that. and they also said they’ve jerked off thinking about me. at one point we were frotting and i was on top of them and they said if i ever decided to, they were already thinking about me fucking them. i’m not sure if i want to and honestly i’m scared if i’ll be hard enough or if it’ll even happen given my size and theirs, so we’ll see. i really liked eating them out, it was like they were coming undone. they ate my pits and sucked on my nipples a lot too which i really liked. we kissed and kissed and kissed and cuddling in the morning was great but i felt like i overstayed my welcome at one point. 

day after they were feeling socialed out so we didn’t talk much. today they had errands in the morning and last i heard was that their cat (the more shy one) wasn’t doing very great and they thought that the cat was already on its way out. i volunteered to keep to myself and not bug them so they could take time regardless but obviously i’ve been thinking about them all day and i’ve also been worried about b although there really isn’t anything i can do