Apparently Unaffected

The good, The Bad, the Unfortunate

[cpaynelove]

1, 2...3

And breathe….. I don’t have to say that anymore. I’ve been just hanging . Going with the breeze… Floating in the air Never to come down again. I’ve been living the way life should be lived. With love With appreciation And most importantly one step at a time . I’m never coming down from this “so called” high. At least I don’t plan on it. Ever since my euphoric episode years ago It…

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[cpaynelove]

Euphoria

So believe it or not My mood is at a 9 !!! I’ve been feeling good, feeling great! So I figured why not tell you about my manic episode back in Sept. Sit down as I tell you a little story. It all started when I got the wrong Chinese food Usually people would be pissed but not me. I had the biggest smile across my face and ate that shit like no tomorrow Weird right? Probably not Until you…

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[cpaynelove]

It's been a while, didn't think we'd meet again

It’s been a while, didn’t think we’d meet again

Feels like I’ve been sad my whole life.This is never going to changeI’m going nowhereAnd I’m at such a dead end with no beginning trailI have officially circled back.I’ve worked so hard to create the foundation that I now haveBut I can’t find the path to my happy placeI’m so lost right now.And almost don’t want to be foundWhat’s the point?Well meet right back up where we started.Back where I hate…

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[cpaynelove]

Giving no ish

I’m fat and gross.

I need motivation.

The only motivation ill take right now, is from my best friend.

Hes no longer here, but sometimes I feel like he’s just ignoring me.

My depression took a toll on me and I stopped all contact with people.

Him, I regret the most 😦

He would be the one to tell me i was beautiful or I looked fine

For some reason I trusted his judgment.

Now…

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[cpaynelove]

Messy Room

What is life?

Do you ever stop and think?

Your a living, walking physical thing in existence.

I dont know how to function often

What the fuck is life.

Going with the motions, constantly going with the motions.

Pacing back and forth

Wondering what my next move is

Which is always….pacing back and forth.

My spare time revolves around walking aimlessly in my kitchen.

I…

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[cpaynelove]

Feeling hopeless....

Feeling hopeless….

Im hopeless

Everything is hopeless

Why do i try

Ive been going through this too long

But like, ive been going through it a long time

Im over it

Why can’t i be happy without flash backs

Im broken forever

I set myself up for failure

Forever

This will never end

NEVER!

Ever…..

The only thing that keeps me going is the fact that im free from all that bullshit

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[cpaynelove]

Flashback Saturday

Soooo i had a flashback today

It was horrible

I found photos of javon as a baby today

I cried, i miss him being my little baby thats about to be 13

I did cry

But not for the flashback of him being a baby

5hrs later i had a flashback

It was of me holding javon in my arms and my ex punching me in the face for 30 mins ranting

Idk what he was ranting about but i remember…

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[cpaynelove]

Face Everything And Rise

Been feeling crappy lately.

Anxiety through the roof

Paranoid like crazy

I’m slowly slumping towards depression

I cant sleep, I cant think

I’m surprised I can even breathe right now.

I’ve been thinking about my PTSD lately and I think it’s making me more on edge.

It’s weird to say I have ptsd out loud.

Growing up you dont even have a second thought that this would be life.

I feel like a burden…

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[cpaynelove]

Missing You I'm sitting here. Wishing my best friend was here. I have other best friends, but I want you!

[cpaynelove]

Fear is a Factor

I’m constantly so sad I can’t seem to grasp the motivation to pull myself out I’m so confused on what to do next I just want the crying to stop And the sleepless nights to end When will the sun come out ? I feel like I’m consistently waking up to a rainy day And going to sleep to a stormy night My brain is a giant storm cloud And my eyes are shedding rain on a daily basis Not even an umbrella can…

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[cpaynelove]

I am Fear.

I’m not very good at being a person. I’m always sad. I’m always moody. I cry a lot… alone. I don’t like people, they make me feel uncomfortable. I hate being in public. I hate talking, but I just can’t stop. My mind is always running and the only thing that seems to help is to talk over it. I say things I’ll regret or repeat over and over in my head until I regret it. I can never sleep right. I…

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[cpaynelove]

KthxBye.

It’s so hard waking up in the morning Knowing I have to start the day again. I feel so empty yet so full inside. I’m filled with fear and grief, sadness and hate, anger and confusion. I’m filled with every emotion, pretty much Besides contentment with a side of normalcy and a sprinkle of happiness. I feel out of place and uncomfortable. But that’s what happens when your afraid of everything on…

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[cpaynelove]

Don't Trip.

Don’t Trip.

Remember a while back I was ranting about how comfortable we get? Like breathing, doing, and being. Well I’m raising my comfiness to simply just taking things for granted. I don’t know why my thought process insist on working the way it does. My grandfather passed away so obviously that means I have to stop talking to anyone who even cares about me a little. You would think I would know by now…

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[cpaynelove]

Sleep is for Suckers!

Sleep is for Suckers!

I cant sleep!  but I don’t know if I want to anymore.  My nightmares have been so horrible  that I just want to avoid them all together. I usually find peace in my sleep.  It’s the only time my mind really stops running  ….for the most part.  Lately it has been nightmare after nightmare.  Re-traumatizing myself night after night.  I’m ready for it stop and disappear. I want my sanctuary back! …

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[cpaynelove]

Comfortably Uncomfortable

 Have you noticed how life gets so comfortable? You get comfortable with yourself… Other people… Your surroundings…. ACTUAL BREATHING ! I’m a victim of becoming comfortable. I’ve gotten comfortable with my problems Comfortable with going back to the negative mind-set I once was at And comfortable just accepting it. Everyday I wake up taking life for granted But I tell myself its OK, you can work…

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[cpaynelove]

Ridiculous Thoughts

I keep having this strange thought. About a conversation I had with my abusive ex’s friend and its been irking me. Apparently he offered “my services” as if I was a prostitute I’ve been feeling really grossed out by it lately. If I would’ve stayed would it of gone that far? I’m so disgusted I don’t know who to be disgusted with though Myself? Him? his friend for telling me how far would my abuse…

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[cpaynelove]

(via Before And After) feeling sane vs insane