Overwatch Heroes as Retail Customers
inspired by me dying during this holiday season
Soldier 76: The guy who gets PISSED that you won’t accept his months-old coupon because “I’VE BEEN A LOYAL CUSTOMER HERE FOR 30 YEARS! I THOUGHT THE CUSTOMER WAS ALWAYS RIGHT!”. Gets irrationally suspicious when you ask for his phone number for the Rewards program
Tracer: fastest transaction ever, has her rewards card, credit card, all that jazz ready the second she gets to the counter. Always takes her chip card out of the reader too early. ”Oh, do I have to leave it in there? *awkward laughter* All these machines are different, you know?”. Proceeds to do this every single time you ever ring her up
Reaper and Widowmaker: Really suspicious transaction broken up over a half dozen credit cards, all with different cardholder names. You try to subtly call for security, but they’re gone (with the unpaid merchandise) when you turn back around.
also you definitely saw price tags still hanging from the expensive clothes Widow was wearing
Sombra: You could have sworn none of this stuff was on sale, but for some reason it’s all ringing up 50% off or more. She also has a bunch of shifty coupons you’ve never seen before, but the system accepts the barcodes so you guess they must be legit. Also somehow she knows your name even though you forgot your nametag today
D.Va: Stereotypical millennial customer who doesn’t know or question shit, just pays with her student account debit card and leaves. You realize afterwards that you overcharged her for something, but she’s already gone and didn’t even seem to notice.
Lúcio: The customer you can always count on to fill out those stupid surveys on the receipt and always give at least 4/5 stars for every rating. A Blessing to retail workers everywhere
Mercy: Dispenses friendly but mildly annoying advice about wearing proper footwear and insoles if you’re going to be standing on your feet all day. Culminates in her standing behind you and trying to instruct you on the best way to stand at a register to put the least amount of stress on your back. Tells you she’ll be checking up on you during her next visit, to make sure you’re following her advice.
Ana and Pharah: Ana makes you tell her the price of every single thing, and challenges you on at least half of them. At any given time she has 2-3 associates running around checking prices and stock for her. Pharah is mortified and apologizes repeatedly to you and the other associates
Reinhardt: The customer you think is going to be terrifying because he’s huge and loud, but is actually super nice and seeks out your manager afterward to sing your praises.
Zenyatta: Everything went wrong with his transaction, yet by some miracle he remained calm and friendly and told you not to worry, it wasn’t in your control. Another blessing to retail workers
Symmetra: Already has the exact total of her purchase in-hand before you even start ringing. Watches you like a hawk the whole time like you’re gonna purposely try to fuck her over. The next day your manager shows you the customer feedback survey you received from a “Satya V.” of precisely 3.0 stars, with a customer note that just says “Sufficient”.
Mei: Nice enough, but always leaves her fucking cart at the register when she’s done, so you have to come around and move it out of the way before any other customers can get through the lane. Also idles her car in the fire lane while she shops
Zarya: The customer you groan when you see coming because her cart is full of heavy items you figure you’re going to have to lift. imagine your surprise when she hoists them up for you to scan, then continues to hold the heavy items under her arm while she pays. she leaves the shopping cart and walks off with seemingly no effort at all.
Junkrat: Keeps asking you if he needs an ID or a license to buy certain suspicious items like bulk aerosol cans and igniters. seems visibly relieved when you tell him your store doesn’t require identification for those products
Roadhog: “Hi, how are you doing today?” “…..” “…Do you have a Rewards card?” “…..” “Will that be cash or credit?” “…..” *pulls a sweaty twenty dollar bill out of his pants and slaps it down on the counter* “…Okay then”
Torbjörn: The guy who wants to know exactly how your particular cash register works, asks you what year and model it is, what OS it’s running, etc. and is surprised when you don’t know. tries to lean over the counter and get a look at it himself. you tell him to please not do that. he reluctantly concedes.
Hanzo and Genji: Somehow manage to get into a massive fight in line that culminates in security forcibly removing them from the store
McCree: Guy who slows the line to a dead halt because he’s telling you random stories about his life while you’re trying to tell him to insert his card. At one point says, “Well, since you asked…” before launching into a story. You did not ask.
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