10 Ways In Which Tom Hanks Character Chuck Noland (From The Film Cast Away) Is Better At Life Than You
The best movie ever is also a good example of why you suck at life.
1. He taught himself how to be a dentist
What have you taught yourself how to do? Blog? Tweet from the toilet without anyone knowing you’re tweeting from the toilet (we all know)? Well, Chuck Noland needed to get rid of a tooth and he got rid of that tooth with a PERFECT TEXTBOOK root canal.
2. He has more friends than you (1)
No one likes you. Everyone is pretending to like you. Look deep into Wilson’s eyes. THAT is what a true friendship really is.
3. He doesn’t need some lame crutch like a fishing rod to catch some delicious fish
If you’re not fishing with a stick in the shallow waters of a deserted island than you might as well be one of those Germans who became a Nazi because it “seemed like there were no other options.”
4. HE HAS A BEARD
It hardly seems like I should have to explain this one. Chuck Noland kept his most precious secret in that beard. That secret? How to survive for 4 years on a deserted island with just a fucking volleyball to keep yourself company.
5. He still has some shame
He may be alone but he’s gotta keep some mysteries for the ladies. What’s under that loincloth? Only the most beautiful, sandy thing you’ve ever seen not attached to a merman.
6. He’s better at starting a fire than you will ever be
You: But like, where is his lighter?
Me: YOU ARE A HUGE PUSSY
7. He works for FedEx, so he knows all about big packages
This a euphemism for a large penis. I am implying, for the second time in this post, that Tom Hanks’ character Chuck Noland, from the film Cast Away, has a large penis.
8. He understands volleyball in a way that you’ve never understood anything before
Volleyball isn’t about scoring points and sexy ladies grunting on the beach. Not really. It’s about the same-gender love between a man and an inanimate object with a bloody handprint on it, who grow old together, and share such an emotional connection that they begin to look like one another. And sexy ladies grunting on a beach.
9. He doesn’t know how to tie a very successful noose
Chuck Noland must have done a pretty bad job in the Boy Scouts (if, in the Boy Scouts, they teach you how to tie a noose, which I don’t think they do but it has been a long time since I checked. Hey, can we check to make sure the Boy Scouts don’t teach people to tie nooses?) because his noose is PATHETIC and he is very bad at committing suicide which is a good thing because when you can’t kill yourself on a deserted island that has a very large cliff on it you have to get very good at living on said island and befriending a bloody volleyball and growing a bodacious beard and that is a win-win for all of us.
10. He is honest, like George Washington
What did George Washington do? Chop down a cherry tree and then tell some old fart about it? Well, Chuck Noland opened a whole bunch of garbage that probably belonged to a bunch of ASSHOLES anyway and used it to survive and then saved a box that could have contained a GPS tracker or the December 1995 Farrah Fawcett issue of Playboy because it had a symbol on it that I guess spoke to him in a meaningful way just like that cherry tree and it’s honest fruit spoke to George Washington. I guess the point that I am trying (and succeeding) to make is that Tom Hanks could have founded this country and he would have done it in a way that would have resulted in Nicolas Cage never winning an Oscar, because what the hell, guys. What the hell.
12 Looks At Leonardo DiCaprio And His Quest For Oscar Gold
There’s been a lot of talk about Leonardo DiCaprio being sad that he didn’t win an Oscar. So let’s take a very, very, very serious look at the movies that he could have, couldn't have, or should have won for.
1. What’s Eating Gilbert Grape
A daring take on a mentally handicapped young man, with many interesting idiosyncrasies that required plenty of research and dedication.
Final Ruling: He was nominated, and yes, he deserved to win, but he lost to Tommy Lee Jones, which seems a little weird in retrospect, doesn’t it? Considering Tommy Lee Jones was in Man of the House and Men in Black I, II, AND III.
2. Romeo + Juliet
Not with that hair, no thank you.
Final Ruling: No
3. Titanic
LOL
Final Ruling: NO LOL
4. Catch Me If You Can
Jet-setting, making money, and pretending to be dozens of people. Is there anything Leo can’t do?
Final Ruling: No
5. The Departed
A confusing, unsteady role as a mole with a believable Boston accent.
Final Ruling: Yes, he could have won if he had been nominated AND, if the competition had been weak, which it wasn’t (i.e. Ryan Gosling’s Half Nelson and Forest Whitaker’s Last King of Scotland)
6. Blood Diamond
A well-researched South African accent in a middle-of-the-road movie made the same year as The Departed
Final Ruling: He was nominated for this instead of The Departed, and I will never understand why. Regardless, against the competition mentioned above, he could not have won.
7. Revolutionary Road
A deeply sad, conflicted take on the tedium of 1950s life showing a lot of range and emotion.
Final Ruling: Yes, he could have won, but HE WASN’T EVEN NOMINATED?
8. Inception
A confident, cool, good looking dude who invades people’s dreams? Way to step out of the box Leo, you asshole.
Final Ruling: Um, no
9. J. Edgar
A tough look at a life as a possibly closeted gay man forcing himself to live a lie.
Final Ruling: Yes, again, he could have won, but, yet again, HE WASN’T NOMINATED?!
10. Django Unchained
A powerful, racist slave owner intent on destroying Django and Broomhilda’s happiness.
Final Ruling: Yes, he could have won, but WHAT!?!!?! HE WASN’T NOMINATED?!?!?!
11. The Great Gatsby
An obnoxious rich guy who always disappointed at literally everything even though he has LITERALLY EVERYTHING?
Final Ruling: No
12. The Wolf of Wall Street
A wealthy asshole who thinks he deserves more?
Final Ruling: No, but for some reason he was nominated, even though there was no way he could win (i.e. up against Matthew McConaughey, Chiwetel Ejiofor, AND Christian Bale).
Listen, I like Leonardo DiCaprio. A lot. He's a great actor, and I'm suuuuuuure he's a really cool guy. But the reason everyone feels bad when he doesn't win an Oscar is because he is nominated in years that he can't possibly win for movies that are so-so at best, and then he isn't even nominated for the movies that he absolutely kills it in. It's our guilt talking!
We can't be giving out pity Oscars. Oscars are (probably) expensive. We already did it when we gave one to Martin Scorcese for The Departed (an ok movie), even though he deserved it for a million movies before that one. Sure, he was probably happy he got it, but it's a lot like being given the gold medal only after the original winner was stripped of the title for doping (I'M LOOKING VERY STERNLY AT YOU LANCE ARMSTRONG). Feels good, but still like second place.
Anyway, Leo, I know you're reading this, and maybe it is getting you down a little, but don't feel bad. Keep moving forward. You're a cool dude! See you Friday for lunch! Don't forget to bring that one really hot blonde lady you said you'd introduce me to! And let's seriously talk about Titanic 2: Jack's Revenge: Zombie Buffet.
This month marked the 12 year and 2 month anniversary of an American tragedy. On September 11, 2001 a horrible event took place that rocked the world: Nickelback released what would be their most popular album, Silver Side Up. This is a review of that classic monstrosity. (I also want to let everyone know that I was insanely embarrassed that everyone could see me listening to this on Spotify)
Hi, I’m Chad Kroeger, lead singer and lead heroin addicted zombie surfer guy of Nickelback. Did you know that I’ve had this hairstyle for my entire career?
Oh no, wait this is terrible. We’re immediately greeted by the lazily ripped off sounds of Pearl Jam and the Foo Fighters. Beneath the uninspired melody is the tale of domestic violence where, apparently, the only solution is MORE violence. I’m not speaking from experience, but this song is probably offensive to victims of domestic violence and actually probably caused some… once significant others found out their partners were listening to Nickelback.
And wonderful, Chad Kroeger already sounds like his screaming is going to cause a brain aneurysm.
Nickelback – How You Remind Me - LP Mix
Track #2 - “How You Remind Me” - Alright, so I guess we’re getting the most popular song out of the way ASAP. This way we know not to be excited by anything else that this record has to offer. Ok, it’s all downhill from here.
Does anyone else have an easy time believing that Chad Kroeger had trouble as a wise man and a lot of trouble believing he was bad as a poor man?
Yikes, Chad keeps asking if I’m having fun yet and I’m sorry, Chad, but I stopped having fun 5 minutes into turning this record on.
Also, don’t forget that this song is part of 9/11’s legacy. Never forget.
This entire band looks like they are made of clay.
Nickelback – Woke Up This Morning
Track #3- “Woke Up This Morning” - You like vocal effects? Well, get ready to hear a whole bunch. From megaphone sounds to drastically panned screaming, this song has literally got all of the vocal effects. Nickelback figured instead of spreading the vocal effects out on the record they would just throw them all on this one.
This one does have one of the better choruses on the record: “Well, I’m hating all of this, I’m hating all of this, all of this, all of this.” If YOU’RE hating all of this Chad Kroeger, imagine how I feel. Let alone the entire world.
He is also heavily insinuating that the reason women don’t like him is because he’s a “loser,” when in fact it is because he’s in Nickelback. Though I guess there isn’t much of a difference.
Nickelback – Too Bad
Track #4 - “Too Bad” - Looks like they’re challenging me with the next one. “Too Bad,” Nickelback? You may win this one. It might be too bad for me to listen to all the way through. This poor man’s Incubus song has another one of those classic Nickelback choruses: “It’s so bad, it’s too bad, it’s too bad. It’s too late, so wrong, so long. It’s too bad we had no time to rewind. Let’s walk, let’s talk.” I think Chad Kroeger got an elementary school rhyming dictionary but no one taught him how to use it. Either that or someone bet him he couldn’t use the word “bad” 25 times in a 4 minute song. That is almost 10% of the song.
How much do you want to bet that Nickelback stole that car just to prove that they really are tough guys? Except that like, later, you find out it was the bass player’s mom’s car and she said they could borrow it.
Nickelback – Just For
Track #5 - “Just For” - Ok, ANOTHER violence-solves-everything song. This time, describing a husband’s feelings when another man looks at his woman. JEALOUS MUCH CHAD?! YA GONNA PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE AREA BECAUSE HE LOOKED AT AVRIL?! YA GONNA BLIND HIM WITH YOUR PLATINUM BLONDE HAIR?!
I honestly didn’t even finish this song. Whatever. This is way harder than I thought it would be.
Nickelback – Hollywood
Track #6 - “Hollywood” - The weird thing is that Nickelback has some pretty good, if not a little predictable, guitar riffs. Then everything is instantly brought down by Chad Kroeger and his just plan awful Michael Jackson impression. That’s what he’s doing here right? Or else he’s gasping for breath every few seconds because he can’t believe he’s in a terrible band like Nickelback.
Anyway, I guess this is a song about the dangers of doing drugs? But with lines like “Not like the last time I stood in line, just enough to keep me bouncing off the wall,” and “Just like a bad dream, or so it seems,” delivered with so much sincerity, I had to shoot a skosh of heroin just to renew some of my faith in the world.
Avril Lavigne – Let Me Go
Bonus Track - “Let Me Go” by Avril Lavigne feat. Chad Kroeger - I just want to give 100% disclosure and say that this is the point in the album that I pulled up Chad Kroeger’s Wikipedia page and from there visited Avril Lavigne’s Wikipedia page, which led me to the record she released at the beginning of this month(?!?!?!?!?!?). I began listening to the collaboration between her and Mr. Kroeger (!!!!)
Other than just using Green Day’s "Wake Me Up When September Ends" idea of “I can’t wait for this month to end” it is Adult Contemporary all the way. The best part is obviously when our man Chad comes screaming in with his trademark rhymes: “Like the hole that was left in me, like we were nothing at all. It’s not what you meant to me, though we were meant to be.” Someone tell him that there are words besides “me,” “be,” “we,” “see,” “bad,” “sad,” “wrong,” “long,” “walk,” and “talk.”
Chad and Avril doing their best John Travolta and Ke$ha impression.
Nickelback – Money Bought
Track #7 - “Money Bought” - The best part of this song is Chad Kroeger calling himself the “treasure from a garbage can.” It’s like, “See, I know I’m human trash, but I’m gonna keep singing because .02% of the world needs a band like Nickelback!”
Nickelback – Where Do I Hide
Track #8 - “Where Do I Hide” - Obviously, the best part of THIS song is when Chad Kroeger takes a dump at 2:14. You are literally listening to a human being take a shit on a recording.
Chad Kroeger just farted in all of these guys’ faces.
Nickelback – Hangnail
Track #9 - “Hangnail” - I refuse to listen to a song that has the line “like swimming in a shiny ballroom” in it, and you should too.
Nickelback – Good Times Gone
Track #10 - “Good Times Gone” - Well, we are here. The end of our journey. It begins with a poorly recorded acoustic guitar that sort of sounds exactly how an acoustic guitar played in Nickelback should sound. It’s like they got tired towards the end and figured, “Eh, fuck it, no one will ever make it this far.” Which is also sort of the attitude that I have at the moment. I sort of deserve a medal. Haha just kidding, I DO deserve a medal.
“You can climb to the top of the highest tree, you can look around, but you still won’t see.” True fact, Nickelback is talking about trying to find their fans. They are an elusive bunch. Very hard to find. In fact, they don’t even exist.
The line “You can bribe the devil, you can pray to God,” finally explains how Nickelback is an actual famous band. Let’s hope the devil collects his souls ASAP. In as bloody a way as possible.
This song does ask a good question: Where HAVE the good times gone, Nickelback? Well, unfortunately I left them back in a world where I hadn’t listened to your entire record. They’re back in a world where my ears still worked correctly. A world where there was color and birds still sang. Oh well, RIP My Dignity.
The song even ends with someone laughing. Like this was some big joke. WELL GUESS WHAT THIS IS REAL LIFE PEOPLE HAD TO LISTEN TO THIS SHIT YOU SICK FUCK.
Final Thoughts - My final thoughts on this “music” “record” are as follows. You can literally see everything Nickelback is about to play, sing, or rhyme 10 minutes before they do it. And that kind of music is perfect for if you have more important things to concentrate on. Things like how well your fedora fits, how many hours of Call of Duty: Ghosts you can rack up on the Xbox One (which you’ve already tried to fuck), or trying to figure out the best way to raise your perceived value right before you neg that bitch at the bar. This is hard rock alright… hard-to-listen-to rock *rim shot*
You made it all the way through! Your reward is that Nickelback still exists!
Today Pharrell Williams released a 24-hour long music video to some song from some movie for some reason. I guess you can watch this video if you can’t think of anything better to do with 24 hours of your life. Or, you could just read below where we’ve compiled some of the best moments from the video.
11:15-11:27 Pharrell eating a piece of cheese for 13 minutes.
03:00-04:12 Pharrell performing routine maintenance on his car (a shopping cart painted purple with a Razor scooter in the basket).
05:20-05:31 Pharrell singing into a cranberry in front of the mirror wearing a beanie with a helicopter blade on top.
14:38-15:00 Pharrell adjusting his penis behind a drum set so that it looks the most natural.
21:30-23:04 Pharrell playing Super Mario Bros. but he keeps thinking he’s the turtles.
08:52-09:14 Pharrell running in the rain, with two umbrellas strapped to his legs like braces.
12:00-12:05 Pharrell watching a Nickelback video on mute, while a different Nickelback song plays on his CD player.
10:29-11:42 Pharrell having simulated sex with a guitar. UNPROTECTED.
I’m not going to link to the video because I don't want to and if you go and try to find it, then shame on you.
This week, Taylor Swift and Lorde had lunch together to squash a feud over Lorde calling Swift too perfect. Taylor got a little spaghetti on her dress and allegedly said "how's that for perfect?" before an angel licked her clean.
Lady Gaga held a launch party for her new album on Sunday and wore a flying dress. The dress was lauded for its creativity until someone realized it was the same dress that Madonna used to escape from Hell 1000 years ago.
Despite vowing she never would, Jenna Jameson announced she would be returning to porn in order to make money for her children. Jenna Jameson knows that porn is not the only job right? There is also prostitution.
Zac Efron reportedly broke his jaw falling down outside his apartment in Los Angeles. But don't worry, guys, he's still a lot better looking than you.
The Obamacare website is STILL having trouble working correctly this week but it is more popular than the relaunched MySpace.
Nude pictures of actor Nicolas Cage were allegedly stolen this week and their location is unknown. Has anyone suggested searching the Declaration of Independence??!
At the MTV European Music Awards Miley Cyrus lit a blunt while onstage to accept an award. She won the award for her song We Can't Stop (Seeking Attention).
Amazon announced they would be using the USPS to deliver packages on Sundays, offering a small solution to some of the Post Office's financial woes. This, along with CEO Jeff Bezos' acquisition of The Washington Post, should get Amazon that much closer to Super Saver Shipping.
Several Tesla cars have reportedly burst into flames recently, which serves you right driving what is essentially an RC car on steroids.
And finally, sadly, Blockbuster surprisingly announced they would be closing all remaining stores. They are asking all customers to return their rented VHS tapes, rewound, if possible.
editor's note: We here at Crappy Face Inc. have obtained Kim Kardashian's tweets from Baby North's Instagram photo shoot. These are 100% real Kim Kardashian tweets.
Today we bring you stories torn and digested from the front page of the World’s Leading Newspaper in Overreaction, The Huffington Post. We did not read these articles, but we think we can guess what they’re about.
“Everything You Know About Personal Hygiene is Wrong”
Guess what, guys? THIS JUST IN. The Huffington Post reveals in this GROUNDBREAKING article that rubbing your hands together like an evil villain IS enough to clean them. If you rub them together threateningly enough, turns out the germs are scared away. They also discover that, while brushing your teeth for 2 minutes is perfect, brushing them for 2 minutes and 1 second causes your testicles to fall off and become Koosh balls.
A little bit of 90s nostalgia for your balls.
“Study Suggests This Trait Could Reveal If Someone is Gay or Straight”
This amazing new study finally brings to light the important trait that all gay men must have: an attraction to other men. Hard to believe, but The Huffington Post has finally connected all the dots.
“LOOK: Harrison Ford Looked A Lot Different in 1980”
Also included in this article:
“Harrison Ford Is Not Really Indiana Jones, He Was Just Acting”
“Harrison Ford Does Not Have A Time Machine That Enables Him To Remain In His Forties”
“Harrison Ford Is Not Really A Wrinkly Old Dog, Apparently That Is What A 71-Year Old Looks Like”
Woof woof... I mean, I didn't kill my wife!
“OMG, Bacon Deodorant Exists”
The writer of this article describes his experience trying out the new bacon deodorant. He then details his decision to eat the deodorant stick. Unfortunately, with the hand of addiction beginning to caress his neck, he has trouble finding his next hit, so he robs a Spencer’s Gifts and steals some bacon-flavored toothpaste (that he eats right away, drooling in front of a Sbarro’s) and a box of bacon-flavored condoms (which he promptly puts on, right before spraining his back when he tries to taste his own peeper). He wakes up 3 days later with a “KEEP CALM AND EAT BACON” tattoo taking up his entire back, and a dog trying to eat his eyebrows, which, at some point, he had surgically replaced with bacon strips. He finally arrives back at the Huffington Post offices, shaking and sweating. His coworkers ask him why he didn’t just buy bacon at the grocery store and eat it, and he replies “YOU CAN BUY BACON AT THE GROCERY STORE?! I'M AN IDIOT!!”
“This Instagram Account Has Police Furious”
Police discover that an Instagram account has a treasure trove of cheesy landscapes with terrible, "inspirational" quotes written over them in pretentious fonts. Some examples:
This just in: Police have discovered that 90% of Instagram accounts are cheesy landscapes with terrible "inspirational" quotes written over them in pretentious fonts. They are asking users to stop forever.
“Satellite Falls to Earth in Fiery Death Dive”
A satellite that Republicans have been using to control Obama’s brain (causing him to tax the benevolent rich and make everyone a killer Muslim) is malfunctioning and will fall to the Earth soon. As a precaution, it was loaded with a nuclear bomb that, when detonated, will turn everyone into a safe white person. A Republican was quoted as saying, “One of my closest friends is black, he thinks this is a great idea.”
This week Facebook updated their "Like" button for the first time in 3 years. Facebook: Still changing the world. And how my grandmother accidentally shares her social security number with everyone she knows.
It was discovered this week that Apple's new iPad Air was being marked up 82%. Siri has reportedly been answering every question with "Why don't you do it yourself. And get me an iced tea while you're at it."
Thursday marks Twitter's debut on the New York Stock Exchange and it ended the day well. Twitter nervously held its breathe while it was being traded but then immediately went back to informing everyone that they were hanging out with Becky as soon as they finished this latte.
We learned this week that the 16 day government shutdown cost the country between $2 and $6 billion. A similar number is expected when the government shuts down to watch the Kim and Kanye wedding OMG!
Finally, the New York City mayoral race ended on Wednesday with Bill de Blasio's win. Mayor Michael Bloomberg climbed up on his emergency step ladder and congratulated Mr. de Blasio, adding "Don't even think about letting people have big sodas, I know where you live."
On Thursday (Halloween), the New York Times erroneously credited Jillian C. York as Chillian J. Yikes. We here at Crappy Face Inc. have obtained the New York Times’ collection of embarrassing credit errors:
edit. note: We here at Crappy Face Inc. have obtained Justin Bieber's tweets from his journey up the steps of the Great Wall of China while on the shoulders of two big gentlemen. These are 100% real Justin Bieber tweets.
As Halloween quickly approaches (IT IS ONLY LIKE, 2 DAYS AWAY DEPENDING ON WHEN YOU READ THIS!!!!!!!) there are a lot of very important guidelines to keep in mind. There is a right and wrong way to Trick or Treat and you need to make sure you know it, or else you’re an asshole and you ruin it for the rest of us.
Step 1
Look down at your body. Are you an adult? If yes, stop immediately. You don’t need to Trick or Treat. Go to a Walgreens and buy a bag of Skittles, a Doritos Loco Taco, and get high at home instead.
Step 2
Go and buy a costume. There are three types of costumes, with no exceptions (I am looking at you SPORTS PEOPLE): adorable baby, nerdy, or sexy. Here is a handy collection of costume ideas:
Adorable Baby Costumes:
Pumpkin Spice Latte
Carrot Being Nibbled On by a Hamster
An e-Cigarette (because it's safe!)
Nerdy:
Bruce Wayne Doing His Taxes
A Pair of Glasses Being Taken Off of an Ugly-Turned-Beautiful Librarian in Slow Motion
Every Game of Thrones Character (Where Every Body Part is a Different Character-themed Body Part)
Slutty:
Sexy Pumpkin Spice Latte
Sexy Bruce Wayne Doing His Taxes
Sexy Captain Phillips (“I’m the captain of your dick now”)
get castaway in those beautiful eyes
Step Three
Wait for Halloween Night. This is very important. On Halloween, it is acceptable to knock on neighbors’ doors and ask for treats. On any other day of the year you’re “trying to break into my house” and “I’m calling the cops, your breath smells like beer.” Jesus, we get it Sharon, you’re a buzzkill.
Step Four
Knock on the door and when someone answers, scream “HI I AM MOVING INTO YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD AND I AM LEGALLY REQUIRED TO LET YOU KNOW THA-“ Wait, I’m sorry, that’s not what I meant to type. That’s from… a screenplay I am writing… yea, a screenplay.
Anyway, scream “TRICK OR TREAT!!” If the homeowner says “Trick,” ask them why the hell they even wake up in the morning. They know what day it is and they know that Trick is rhetorical. This is America, not JOKELANDIA, where everything is a joke and no one knows if they actually have cancer or not.
Eventually, they will give you candy. “But hey, what if they give me an apple or pennies?!” They are just being coy. Wait until they close the door and go to the back yard and take their dog. This is your Treat! Name him Oscar!
your new best friend, just be sure to run
Step Five
Finally, time to go home and eat your delicious haul! Throw away any gross candy (i.e. NOTHING), turn on a scary movie (I suggest anything Guy Fieri), and begin separating the candy razorblades from the real ones.
Facebook: When You're Not Sure If You're A Shitty Friend or Not
The sky opens up. Frogs and mice come raining down from the clouds. Your entire family screams, making the sign of the cross in your direction. From thin air, a voice appears. Is it..? It can't be... Mark Zuckerberg?
"YOU FORGOT YOUR HIGH SCHOOL BEST FRIEND'S BIRTHDAY"
It booms like thunder. Your head begins to hurt. Worse and worse as the seconds pass. There is no more sound. Just your high school best friend's voice repeating "you're an asshole. you're an asshole."
*gasp*
You wake up. It was all a dream. You look at your phone, click on the Twitter app. A new reply. @cocklord420 said "you're a gay loser adn i hope u die." You breath a sigh of relief.
Breaking Bad is often interpreted as a morality play concerned with the existential bleakness that accompanies the quest to become a Nietzchean ubermensch while still esconced within the confines of a prototypical Christian/familial slave morality, but actually it is not about that at all. That’s...
Hello! I have seen probably 10 Football games in my entire life. I am qualified. This is how to play that game.
Next is the helmet. Ideally this would also be very manly, perhaps made out of raw meat or raccoon skulls. It doesn’t even need to really protect your head, as long as you can still remember that you love drinking beer and masturbating.
Each team needs 8 players on the big green rectangle of fake grass, or, “field,” for play to begin. So head down to your local supermarket, walk around the back, and ask the nice men begging for change if they want to play Football. If they are American they will say yes.
Pick a name for your team. It needs to be tough sounding, like the Miami Murdermen or the Texas Tit Lovers.
Get in the right mindset, maybe go and kill some dogs. This may seem obvious but in order to be successful at Football you need to train dogs to fight each other and then kill them systematically when they lose or begin to get old.
Get on the field. You can’t play if you’re not there.
The referee throws a coin in the air and everyone yells “Heads” or “Tails.” The ref decides who has the prettiest voice and that team gets to go first. Yay!
Well, we ran out of space. Just go read this http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/American_football_rules and have fun playing Football!
*not endorsed by David Letterman. Unless he wants to pay for this article, which he is more than welcomed to do. I know you’re reading this. Hi Dave.
10. You’ll be constantly mistaken for Hugh Jackman. I mean, literally, not a day goes by that a bearded man isn’t mistaken for Renaissance Man, Hugh Jackman. WOLVERINE HIMSELF.
9. It’s a portable air filter. Worry about second-hand smoke? Air pollution from those assholes with GAS-POWERED cars? No problem! You’ve got a giant air purifier on your face.
8. It’s like hairy Tupperware. Really enjoy that Philly cheesesteak that’s been smothered in cheese wiz, onions, and peppers? No worries, your face will also be smothered in cheese wiz, onions, and peppers. No practice necessary, just eat and, voila, food is caked in so hard you’ll need a crowbar to pry it out.
7. It’s a preview of your pubes. Ever been out at a bar, checkin’ out a sweet honey, and think to yourself, “I wish she knew what the hair around my penis looked like.” The beard serves as your teaser.
6. You’ll never get Lower Face Cancer from being out in the sun. Upper Face Cancer, yes, but not Lower Face Cancer.
5. It’s the ultimate facial insulator. Cold weather can’t penetrate the North Face puffy jacket you’ve got on your chin beating the ice away.
4. Ever heard of a beard cavity search? One of the easiest ways to smuggle drugs and treats into jail is through your beard. It’s a known fact that prison guards are heavily intimidated by a tough, grizzled convicts.
3. It’s something to stroke when you’re thinking hard. Nothing gives you that Bond-villian-about-to-describe-his-secret-plan-to-a-tied-up-James-Bond look like stroking your beard with your hand while also stroking a cat and slowly spinning around in a leather chair.
2. It’s great vacuuming practice. You’ll be shedding more than a Great Pyrenees (THIS IS A TRUE FACT LOOK IT UP), so be prepared to collect that shit and make a backup beard, just in case.
1. You’ll always be the sexiest man in the room. Doesn’t matter what anyone says, EVERY SINGLE WOMAN ALIVE wants their man to have a rough, tangled, bird’s nest of a beard on their cheeks. It improves EVERY dumb face and it makes nice faces EVEN NICER
