Crocheting my love @crazy-crocheter - Tumblr Blog

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Okay but like since this is the one place where my coworkers aren't aware of, I'm scared. I'm regressing again and the therapist that doesn't see when I'm actually sucidal isn't helping. I'm functioning and okay but not. Im having this gigantic crisis and maybe only three people know a good chunk of it. I haven't felt this in a long time and I'm horrified. I deleted all the shit from my ex and finally can breathe when I log into my email. I physically can't forgive myself for my genuine fuck ups and I don't know how anymore. My mind feels like it's unraveling and it's unsettling. I haven't felt this damaged in a long time. I feel like a piece of trash that people keep grabbing and then all annoyed "damn I grabbed the wrong thing" and they won't just throw me away they just leave me out because it literally doesn't matter to them. And like I'm fucking insecure as shit and I genuinely don't understand why these people keep me. My body is aching and I don't wanna talk I wanna break down and sob and cry until the pain bleeds off and I can try to resolve this giant gaping hole in my chest. I want to be held but I don't feel worthy of it. I don't feel like I have a right to be struggling. I'm freaking out and I'm terrified and it's like I'm being held hostage. I just wanna decimate fucking everything and self destruct and I can't put into words how wonderful that sounds. It soothes the ache in my belly so I can breath again. Just stop. Stop everything, if even for an hour. I need fucking peace from shit I was born with and nothing will stop. Oh god I can't explain how deeply I feel unloved. Like everybody is indifferent to my presence. I don't affect anyone positively and I can't tell if I'm okay. I can't really feel anything besides ache. Even my gut is going "I don't know dude." Never a good sign. I want to be touched and calmed down but the thought of being touched by someone that doesn't know what type of shit I am is jarring. It's funny, I've improved but when things get louder I forget that fact. When I'm hearing "you seriously think your worth anything? Really. You failed at being a daughter and granddaughter and friend and coworker and seriously you actually thought you could help yourself " I can't remember the many times people have shaken me and said scared for my actual safety "stop it your scaring me I don't know if your gonna be here when I wake up." I forget how that feels. All I feel is the emptiness the loss of the sucidal thoughts bring. I don't wanna die but I want my spirit to die. Something has to give and I'm tired right now and I miss my grandmother and she would be so disappointed with me. She'd be pissed I'm not just going to someone for help. She would want me to respect and love myself to fight for myself like I fight for others. Have faith in myself like I have faith in others. .... Sorry I had to vent somewhere no coworkers could see.

I'M BACK BITCHES

For a limited time only ♡

oh im so glad i said something then!!! your mental health is so important dont worry if internet strangers give you shit, this is your life we are talking about. fuck who ever gives you shit.

I'm glad you said something to. And luckily I'm finally getting that concept. My life does actually mean something. Hell my health means something... Thank you again <3

oh i totally understand ! depending on who you follow tumblr can be a VERY depressing place. it enabled my eating disorder for years. it is good to take a break and help your head. come back when you are really ready :)

No lies, I'm almost in tears right now. I didn't know if I'd get shit for vanishing or if anyone even cared but this is something I needed to hear. Thank you hon, I really appreciate this.

oh no!! im sorry i hope you feel better ! (im assuming by worst you mean mental health?? its ok you dont have to share). ill miss you but i wish you well !

Yeah it caused some heavy suicidal thoughts. But especially with job I can't have more of that shit then I already do. I don't think I'll delete it (there's too many good memories in my posts ) but until I stop associating death with tumblr I have to mostly avoid it. But yeah I have email, kik, a phone number and snapchat so if anyone wants one just ask, I don't wanna cut people off because I'm finally caring about my mental health you know? But thank you for understanding

why are you leaving?

Because for some reason tumblr is making me worse. I get on and idk why but it messes me up so badly I don't wanna do anything

Aw my bad face daww

Edit: IM A PRETTY FUCKER ON MY BIRTHDAY

Life is hard. You face so many things, good and bad. Sometimes you face the worst things, and its hard. You have to decide to keep moving, not to stop and give up, not to let life pass you by. I finally lost it a while ago and then I went into therapy. But I'm not fixed. I'll never be fixed. All i can be is mended. You still see the scars, the toll it took on me, but i am alive to see the toll. I will have to constantly adapt to survive, whether it be the loss of someone I hold close or my brain twisting, and reshaping everything i see. Tumblr is fucking me. But i felt like i needed to say this. My therapist is not the best. In fact she straight up is upsetting the shit outta me. Grandpa and I still fight, my poor brother is heading into very well known territory with my parents, my idk seems to be improving and one day won't feel tied down to follow in anybody elses path but their own. And my sister is still a pain in the ass. There are dozens of reasons to slip away, but when I look now, i see hundreds of reasons to fight to be here. To finally appreciate the love I have been given, the effort it has taken to help me when i am not a willing participate, the reluctance and refusal to let me go. I appreciate all these things. My family is not perfect, neither am I and nor is my idk, or even my job. But we all try. We try to be kind, try to be understanding and open. To be someone that is remembered for their greatness but loved for the mistakes that did not stop us from doing great things. Being human is not about perfection. It is living. It is existing. It is easy to survive, to work through one day, but to live when everything seems so difficult and life seems so complicated is hard. But the effort is worth it. Not all people share that but i do. And thats all that matters. Other people may think their tiny suggestions help but really they can distract you. Hurt you. You have to decide when to listen. When to scream and fight and when to smile and let the storm move over you. Life can be cold, horrifying and cruel. Its up to you to find the softness, the kind interior, the sweet warm feeling. I didn't want to be here. i didn't want to put the effort in. But now thats changing. And i will fall, i will feel like ive made a mistake but i won't stop. I cant. I dont want to. I want to heal. Not be broken because i think its easier to live with gaping wounds then to stitch them up and finally let them begin to heal. Life may take things you love but who gave them to you in the first place? My idk looked at me in all my nuttiness and thought "i wont listen" and because of that i had someone who tried to be consistent. Tried to be that rock i could hold on to when i finally realized i was drowning. And when i finally reached out, damn straight they were there waiting with a towel and chocolate, ready to listen, defend and stand with me in whatever i needed to do. I love them. I love my family. I love that they're part of it and i love that no matter how broken i felt i felt once i will destroy for my family. And in times i will decide to be soft because that's what is really needed. Im 19 years old, I've been nineteen for four hours and im so glad im still here. I earned my place and finally letting myself grow into it. My roots are small but they are fighters who will find water and sunlight on the darkest days and when nothing is good they will close up and let the darkness fall over them because they're a weed. Strong and unwelding, growing wherever possible just to grow. My roots are growing and they wont stop. Even if i get burned or dug up, you'll never be able to get all of me. Grandpa, siblings, idk i love you guys with all of my bruised, broken heart. Thank you all for your stubbornness and understanding even when I couldn't see it.

the-art-of-oral

Tips for going down on a girl?

Don’t be a bitch. If you’re gunna do it, do it well.

Tease the fuck out of her before going in. Put that tongue away. Kiss every inch of her, except her pussy. Inner thighs, neck, lips, nipples. Start at her mouth, work your way down. Did you get her neck already? Good, now do it again. Build the anticipation. She’ll love it even more.

When she can’t handle the anticipation any more, go in for the kill. Eat that pussy like you’re on death row and it’s your last meal.

Most girls respond really well to clit stimulation, but don’t over work it. Some girls like it when you stick your tongue in, some don’t, so be cautious when exploring that option.

The best way I’ve learned to do it is to start off slow. Long licks. Cover all of it. Slowly work your speed up. Go a little faster. Every been told to write the alphabet with your tongue? Fuck that. It’s stupid.

Have her lay on her back, put her legs over your shoulder. That’s the one of the best positions for her to get max pleasure. It also allows you to use your hands. While your mouth is going to down reach up with your hands, grab her breasts, (some girls like their nipples squeezed when getting eaten out. Try exploring that option if she’s down). You also have the options of using one of your hands to finger her or rub her clit while you lick. If you get into a good motion of licking while you rub her clit with your tongue, I can almost guarantee that she will go crazy.

Think you’re done after she cums? WRONG. You’re not done until she grabs you by the hair and pulls you up because she can’t take it any more.

Now go my student, go and eat that pussy like it’s your sole purpose in life to make that girl scream your name, Gods name, and every swear word she’s ever heard in her life.

kimreesesdaughter

#hahaha i found it

motleycraft-o-rama

By Kora Kora on Ravelry.

infamousstitch

wanna make one of these so bad

overthebifrost

My first amigurumi, made for my older daughter, who’s a huge Avengers fan. Featured are six Avengers, two villains, and a bureaucrat.

Submitted by Marilyn.

allofthemaking

Slightly improving so might pop up to queue but I still have to unfollow some people, figure out where I actually stand with tumblr because if it is fucking with my head I have a problem and shit. The funny thing is I've got like five followers since leaving and its all very confusing. I'm also gonna be 19 in ten days so theres that.

dimedog

a small cat

guavasaur-deactivated20141002

a baby

koz-khor

that’s the purriest meow I’ve ever heard

cowards-sorcery

welcome back to my blog small baby

seiphirai

A Surprise Pride and Prejudice Engagement

(Note: This isn’t me)

thestraggletag

See? This is a tailor-made proposal. Not some “big screen of basketball game nonsense. This person took into account his girlfriend’s pastimes and favourite things in the world, knew how close to the family she was and engineered the perfect engagement proposal, without a doubt managing to make sure this would please her (surely her mother and sisters would know).

This is how you do big gestures.