Okay but like since this is the one place where my coworkers aren't aware of, I'm scared. I'm regressing again and the therapist that doesn't see when I'm actually sucidal isn't helping. I'm functioning and okay but not. Im having this gigantic crisis and maybe only three people know a good chunk of it. I haven't felt this in a long time and I'm horrified. I deleted all the shit from my ex and finally can breathe when I log into my email. I physically can't forgive myself for my genuine fuck ups and I don't know how anymore. My mind feels like it's unraveling and it's unsettling. I haven't felt this damaged in a long time. I feel like a piece of trash that people keep grabbing and then all annoyed "damn I grabbed the wrong thing" and they won't just throw me away they just leave me out because it literally doesn't matter to them. And like I'm fucking insecure as shit and I genuinely don't understand why these people keep me. My body is aching and I don't wanna talk I wanna break down and sob and cry until the pain bleeds off and I can try to resolve this giant gaping hole in my chest. I want to be held but I don't feel worthy of it. I don't feel like I have a right to be struggling. I'm freaking out and I'm terrified and it's like I'm being held hostage. I just wanna decimate fucking everything and self destruct and I can't put into words how wonderful that sounds. It soothes the ache in my belly so I can breath again. Just stop. Stop everything, if even for an hour. I need fucking peace from shit I was born with and nothing will stop. Oh god I can't explain how deeply I feel unloved. Like everybody is indifferent to my presence. I don't affect anyone positively and I can't tell if I'm okay. I can't really feel anything besides ache. Even my gut is going "I don't know dude." Never a good sign. I want to be touched and calmed down but the thought of being touched by someone that doesn't know what type of shit I am is jarring. It's funny, I've improved but when things get louder I forget that fact. When I'm hearing "you seriously think your worth anything? Really. You failed at being a daughter and granddaughter and friend and coworker and seriously you actually thought you could help yourself " I can't remember the many times people have shaken me and said scared for my actual safety "stop it your scaring me I don't know if your gonna be here when I wake up." I forget how that feels. All I feel is the emptiness the loss of the sucidal thoughts bring. I don't wanna die but I want my spirit to die. Something has to give and I'm tired right now and I miss my grandmother and she would be so disappointed with me. She'd be pissed I'm not just going to someone for help. She would want me to respect and love myself to fight for myself like I fight for others. Have faith in myself like I have faith in others. .... Sorry I had to vent somewhere no coworkers could see.











