all these tears I bled

x

[vampire-void]

⛧🦇⛧🦇⛧

⛧Spin | June 2005 | My Chemical Romance⛧

⛧Higher quality scans to view/download⛧

⛧🦇⛧🦇⛧

[crazylittlecactus]

i want to put a fork through my head.

lately i had only good dreams, but last night i had one of those dreams again. one of those half supposed to be revenge, but actually awakening trauma dreams. i cant shake the aweful feeling i get everytime. and i hate my brain for remembering exactly what he looked like down to the smallest features. nothing ever erases that feeling and im just tired of it. i just want to erase everything, all the memories. i want to wash my brain with bleach so i can firget his face. i hate it.

idk if i told about the time my friend invited me to watch her live stream a game on twitch and when i opened i saw his face. i wasnt prepared. how could i have been? i didnt even know they were friends. i have such good, caring friends right? well im not exactly mad at her, she apologized and she didnt really know everything at the time. well more exactly she didnt know anything. but i still remember that feeling i wish to forget. i felt as if i had been stabbed in the guts repeatedly. i was shaking and i wanted to puke. i felt as if i was gonna die all over again. that's how i felt i feel like this everytine i see his face, even just in my dreams. its gets less intense now but that feelings stays with me all the time. i can never fully get rid of it. i can never forget. and it makes me want to put a fucking fork through my head for a moment.

[crazylittlecactus]

So it's real right. It's officially been 3 years today. I still don't know how to deal. It still doesn't feel real to me. It was hard to get out of bed or do anything today. I'm sorry I don't know what to say this time. I just miss him immensely.

[crazylittlecactus]

I think I need to go back to vent but with a new account so let's.

For the 3 people who actually not only follow me but care it's irlya.

u can listen to me if u want.

[crazylittlecactus]

You know sometimes friends they ain't where you're looking for them. And I should remember that.

[crazylittlecactus]

I feel so much right now that I think I numbed all of my emotions down so it's like I actually don't feel anything and it's awful cause I actually can feel all these emotions right beneath the surface trying to come out but I also know they cant reach me

It's awful it's awful it's awful it's awful it's awful

I don't know which is worse between feeling too much and feeling numb

Maybe what fucks me up is that it's actually someone that I felt a lot for and right now I don't know what I feel for her and and I can't say I don't feel anything for her but maybe my brain and my heart would rather make me think that I don't feel anything than to reveal to me all these feelings I have for her it's just so fucking awful cause I can only imagine what I feel deep down and I don't like it

I see pain, I see hate, I see fucking wanted to hurt myself because the way I hurt myself doesn't hurt as bad as the way she hurt me and I see fear and I'm so scared idk it just might be the only emotion I can feel right now is that I'm so scared I'm so scared I'm so scared I'm so scared I'm so scared I don't know what to do and I'm so lost fuck I really don't know what I should do someone fucking kill me please

[br-o-ken-poetry]

"It's so distracting. You're walking down the street and you see how easy it would be to run into open traffic. You glance at a building and imagine yourself falling from its rooftops. Death, death, death, all around you, all the time. How do you stop thinking about it?"

- broken thoughts

[crazylittlecactus]

The light at the end of the tunnel shut off a while ago.

[crazylittlecactus]

I lost so many people to life

We usually lose people to death, they die and there's nothing we can do, it's natural

But I lost so many to life, because life happens a certain way and the people who were closest to me, understanding me like no one, warming my lonely heart at night when I was feeling cold, are now the ones who are colder that those lonely nights themselves

And I can't reach out to them, I'd like to, but I can't

Because everything has changed now, it will never be the same anyway

And somehow it hurts even more to try to hold on to broken pieces of the relationship we used to have than to just let go

But I can't let go

So I stay in the in between

[crazylittlecactus]

I miss you

I miss us

I miss late night deep conversations about anything

I miss having you understand me without really needing to explain myself like others would need me to

I miss telling you about my problems and hearing about yours

I miss the feeling of our depressions being so similar they must be siblings

I miss being able to say anything with no filter and no judgement

I feel like I lost all that forever

Like I lost you forever

[crazylittlecactus]

2 years now

It's been incredibly hard to get up today.

It was hard to wake up because waking up meant it was the end of the dream and I had to face the hard reality of what today was : the second anniversary of the day we lost the most talented and incredible man on earth.

Today was very hard, it was hard to function normally even to do the smallest things, but somehow I managed through it, slowly, at my pace, I managed to go through the hardest day in the year.

Like they said "we don't have to move on from our loss, we have to move forward with it."

That's what I'm trying to do, I'm not pushing away grief anymore I'm accepting it, today I am not crying in my bed in disbelief, unable to pronounce his name or say out loud that he is gone. Today I am honoring Chester's life the best way I can : by living my own life and not letting myself fall apart, overwhelmed by grief.

I am listening to my favorite Linkin Park songs, and doing what I have to do. I miss him terribly, I had him on my mind every second of the day, but I will not let myself and him down, I will move forward with these feelings because it's the best thing I can do.

I am not alone missing Chester today, and knowing this makes me feel slightly better, we are all grieving and coping with it our own way, but we aren't letting each other down, like a family. I was happy to see everyone share memories and thoughts about Chester today because it's truly the best thing we can do to honor him, his life, and the impact he's had on everyone.

All I can hope for is that he can see all the love and support we are sharing today, and that we are all trying to move forward with our pain, and I hope it's making him proud.

I miss you terribly Chester, much love to wherever you are now. 🖤

[kissedby-suicide]

I’m a murderer; I killed the girl that I used to be,

The girl that used to smile all the time, the girl that used to have a lot of friends, the girl that I used to see In the mirror,

Now she is dead, her eyes are a darker color, and she rarely smiles, and she doesn’t believe the compliments that she receives, because she believes that they are just trying to make her feel better,

I’m a murderer; I killed the girl that I used to be.

[crazy-little-fox]

“It didn’t matter in the end how old they had been, or that they were girls, but only that we had loved them, and that they hadn’t heard us calling, still do not hear us, up here in the tree house with our thinning hair and soft bellies, calling them out of those rooms where they went to be alone for all time, alone in suicide, which is deeper than death, and where we will never find the pieces to put them back together. ”

-The Virgin Suicides

[showerthoughtsofficial]

I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it feels like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that

[crazylittlecactus]

Someday I’d like to make art with the thoughts I write here.

[crazylittlecactus]

literally nobody ever interact/reads what I post here and sometimes it's a good thing but sometimes it just feels shitty and lonely.

right now it's good. but it generally feels shitty and lonely. like 90% of the time.

[crazylittlecactus]

can i please stop having nightly mental breakdowns for no reason.