Mom's on drugs

The daily log of a mothers journey into antidepressants.

[crazymomma386]

31

Dear Uncle Dav, if you haven't heard yet, the following post may come as a shock to you- and all I ask is that you maybe don't share my birthday plans with my mother- she worries too much. Today I turn 31. A few things are different from when I turned 30. I'm divorced. I'm single. I work more than is probably healthy. I sleep regularly. I keep a cleaner home. I live in Texas again, not Germany anymore. Today I turn 31. And with the changes over the past year, I made myself a promise (instead of a New Years resolution). I promised myself to 1)find me again; and 2) live for me. Today I turn 31. As a mother to four children, and having birthed 5 of the most spectacular humans in existence, I lost myself over the last 10-12 years. I buried myself in wifely duties and societal boxes. I grew gray hair and started noticing the wrinkles around my eyes and mouth deepen. I was miserable. Today I turn 31. And in contrast to 30, where I spent every ounce of energy fighting for things I couldn't keep and taking hits I didn't deserve, 31 is the year of me. 31 is the year I find myself again. Today I turn 31. I haven't actively celebrated my birthday since the age of 14. Today, I change that. Today I celebrate myself. Today I recognize imperfection and smile more. Today, I'm going on a date. A real date. With a man, who was never my husband. With a man who may not ever be my husband. And that's ok. Because it's not about him. Today I turn 31. And I'm going to celebrate. I've arranged for my children to stay with their dad. Matt is going to take me to dinner- Mexican. I'm starving. Matt is going to rock my world. Today I turn 31. And I'm never looking back.

[femmehealing]

[crazymomma386]

Feeding the needs

I think I've discovered the balance. Hard core amazing sex with the Captain. Send him home. Watch a chick flick and drink a little. My sexual side is satisfied. My romantic side is satisfied. My body is full and calm.

[crazymomma386]

The commander

When the ex's old commander makes a request... you follow through. And you'll never regret it.

[crazymomma386]

Tinder woes

I'm fucking with this guy. He's great. Rocks my world each and every time. He doesn't want the attachment- which I'm totally ok with at this point in my own crazy world. But he made a point to make sure I knew that today. I may have bitched him out a bit- and reminded him that I'm aware of our arrangement. And that I'm on board with out arrangement. And that I'm overly practical. 'You and I- we are meeting a need for each other. Nothing more.' I don't think he believes that I am capable of keeping it separate. He doesn't know I've been compartmentalizing this kind of shit for years.

[crazymomma386]

And don't judge me

My time line is my own. I fuck how and who I want. And I own my own screw ups.

[crazymomma386]

Today's the day. Today I'm officially moving out of the hell hole that was my marriage. And I'm fucking excited. All day of work, half day of moving. Truck is packed. Friends have lined up. I can't concentrate I'm so excited to get out!!

[crazymomma386]

I'm back

Divorcing. Mother of four. I'm leaving the army wife life and trying to figure out how the hell to survive. I spend too much time on tinder. I have a good job that I'm royally screwing up because of the divorce. I feel like a hooker seeking attention most days. I am above this. I will rise above this. But I probably won't get rid of tinder yet.

[craftytyke]

This stunning shawl, Into the Woods, is a free pattern. There’s also a Ravelry page for the pattern if you want to add it to your library/queue.

[crazymomma386]

Off the drugs

It's been a month since stopping the drugs (it might be longer...) and I'm feeling normal. I'm doing my best to maintain a better sleep schedule, limiting my caffeine in the evening, and generally I've been doing better. I've also made a point to get out of the house some more, at least once a week, and have generally given those pressing concerns that drove me into the deep depression to God. I know that may sound patronizing, it's not meant to- but I'm relying on faith and my husband to pull us through. I've picked back up on downsizing/decluttering and preparing for the upcoming move. I've also booked a girls trip getaway to Spain for sanity and because it's my birthday month. I can't wait, we go on Wednesday.

[areweperfectlywhelmedyet]

There are two kinds of people in this world:

Those who wear their sunglasses all the way through the office until they get to their desk in the morning, and everyone else who aren’t assholes.

[myeyesarebrighter]

ok but sometimes i do this and it’s just because i’m crying sad office tears under my sunnies because i so badly dont want to be there… or am trying to prolong the not-at-work part of the day. :(

[crazymomma386]

I do this... not to be douchey... but because im usually carrying things too....

[podkins]

Ooo so pretty.

Cabled Necklace Scarf

by Augden via Anthropologie.

The wide cables of this pima cotton loop give way to separate strands of intricate needlework. Handknit by Augden, whose designer Franceska Earls draws inspiration from the knitting traditions of her native Bolivian ancestors, to fuse modern designs with artisan talent

[crazymomma386]

If im following Dr.s Orders...

So, when i went to see the neurologist, he told me that Mirtazapine isnt addictive, and he didnt really want me on it long term. He wanted to give me just enough to restart my 'normal' life/thoughts/activity levels. 21 days at 7.5mg, then see how I felt. After two weeks, my brain turned back on- and it began its normal review of biologic indicators... I dont know how to explain it, but found an author who described it as a sort of internal inventory that takes the individual within their own systems and tests them for weak spots. Knowing your body/parts and its functions and is what I'm getting at. Its like a cost/benefit analysis, focusing on individual processes that make the whole system run smoothly.. I ramble. Point is, I assessed. And decided that while I appreciated the sleep assisting side effext of the drugs, they werent really benefitting me elsewhere. My brain and my body were no longer functioning as a cogesive unit. One would say, 'hey! You need some husband loving!' And the other would be like, 'ya! You do! But I'm not going to assist that right now, Im too tired to tell the hormones to surge...' I missed another two days. Consistancy seems to be a problem with my pill yaking. But as the fog cleared and the brain and body begain trying ro refunction together, my internal analysis gave me one major conciliation prize: I'm ok. Im not perfect, but I am better not taking drugs. I'll need to maintain a regular sleep schedule, but for now, I'm ok. Yesterday, the plague hit our house and I have three barfing kids. Not only to sick episodes get handled right away, I was able to take preventative measures for the onky kid not sick, keep a mental checklist going in my head, run all necessary errands, and make a soup for the sickies. This is huge. Having the ability to mentally juggle is big for me. I also reorganized my schedule into one place. Im no longer missing things because i wrote it down in the wrong place or not at all. Its the little things. Id like to thank Mirtazapine for its assistance, but I won't be finishing week 3. Its been 4 days drug free and Im ok. Even with plague in the house.

[crazymomma386]

Maybe I over did it the last two days. All I want to do today is crawl back into bed..

[crazymomma386]

Halfway through Week 2

I did an entire 'full day' in mom world. Hit two grocery stores, a bank run for PTA, did a doctors appointment with the kid, determined she doesn't need glasses yet. I made dinner and made it through dinner, but by 1930 I was just done. Took the mirtazipan and went to bed. Yesterday I had another full day- PTA book fair, two wallets (Etsy business) and went to an FRG meeting (PTA for army families). I stayed late and had dinner with a couple girlfriends. Came home, took my meds, read a brain article and forwarded it to the same friends because it ran along the same lines of what we had been talking about. Drugs kicked in and I passed out. Slept all night with only one odd dream- which I probably wouldn't have remembered if my three year old hadn't climbed in bed just then. I feel almost normal. There are two extra toddlers in my house this morning- but they'll be gone by naptime. It's going to be ok. I think it will. I've noticed in the evening as I get more tired, my anxiety levels start to rise, but so long as I stay calm and get ready to end my day, I've been able to manage it.

[crazymomma386]

I have this ridiculous eyebrow twitch… it’s been bugging me for two-ish days. So I Google it. (I know, shouldn’t do that.. ) so far, 2/3 “rare, less that 1/1000 people report these reactions”…. awesomesauce. I can handle that he see twitch for now- im hoping these small reactions fade as the med builds up in my system…

[crazymomma386]

It's not just me! Today I have been groggy and just tired- but I also did a lot in the emotionally taxing department. I'm going to treat myself with an early bed time tonight. I know it's the meds, esp since I missed two days. So I'll do my best and hope for a quicker pick up than last week.