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The Impregnation Camp - Episode 1
James had thought of a brilliant idea to support his massive sex drive and equally massive cock. It was about three months ago when he decided to advertise it in a number of maternity magazines just to see what the response was like. He lived on a camp site which used to be owned by his family but they had since fallen out due to James not wanting to settle down with anyone and bringing different girls back each night, each of them more beautiful than the last I might add!
The camp site was in the middle of nowhere, not overlooked by anyone and completely surrounded by a forest so dense that it would take hours to get through it. Within the campsite itself were a number of tents, about 15 in total, all of them semi-permanent structures which stayed where they were, rented by each guest for however long they wished to stay for.
Around the edge of the site which was only a couple of acres is size were some small wooden huts which were rented out to guests who wanted a slightly more comfortable stay.
There was a shower block which had recently been refurbished and was of a very high specification, huge wet rooms with massive glass windows which could be made transparent or opaque at the flick of a switch. Next to the shower block was an indoor and outdoor pool. Both pools had a jacuzzi next to them and a changing room which was next to the shower block. Both pools were surrounded by sun loungers and parasols should the sun get too much.
Business had been struggling and James was trying to think of ways to increase profits and was, as ever, wondering how that could help him get laid. James didn’t need any help in this department, he was a massive hit with the ladies but due to not wanting to settle down he was never able to fulfil his greatest fantasy of getting one of the gorgeous beauties that he fucked pregnant. This is where his idea came in.
James lived in the outskirts of London, England in the gorgeous countryside, this is an area where there are a number of wealthy men, often well into their 80’s who have managed to bag themselves some absolute beauties. They tell any newspapers or magazines that write the inevitable column on how can relationships work when there is an age gap of 60 years, that they are happy and that age isn’t an issue. However, everyone in the local area, anyone at all for that matter, knows that they are only with these old, incredibly rich men for one reason, and that reason most definitely isn’t their ability to perform in the bedroom.
James was looking to “tap” into this market by offering something that these gorgeous women would undoubtedly desire, but something that they could not fulfil in their current predicament; the ability to get pregnant and have a baby. Although James was happy with his current level of female attention what he was not happy with was the fact that his incredible sex drive and natural wish to impregnate women had, up until this point, not been satisfied.
He decided to do something about it and this is where his advert came in. He placed an advert in a magazine that he knew was read by a large number of women but he wanted to make sure that the women that answered the add were as stunningly beautiful as he was used to. He knew the way to do this would be to put a price on the offer which would only ever be afforded by rich old men, they would be told that their gorgeous 20 year old girl was wishing to go away with some of her female friends, all of whom had married men three times their age. These young women would then attend James’ Impregnation camp for as long as they required to stay there.
James knew that there was the possibility of a number of women answering the ad that weren’t as beautiful or as perfect as James was used to and therefore he needed some way to ensure that he was going to be accepting only the most gorgeous of girls.
He planned to set up interviews which would be conducted over the Internet using webcams so that James could ensure that the women were the right “fit”; this is how he worded it in his advert. What James actually cared about was whether the women were actually fit, James asked himself one question when he was looking at the hopefuls on webcam, would I want to fuck her however and whenever I want? If the answer to that question was yes then that woman would get an invite.
James had a phenominal level of interest from the ad and all that he hoped was that the calibre of woman was up to what he had expected. He arranged the first batch of the online interviews for the Monday morning and had arranged to try and do ten in the first day. He set himself up in the office at the camp site with that one question pinned to the wall behind his computer screen so as to never forget what it was that he was looking to get out of this. The first person to reply to the ad was Rachel, she was 22 years old and was married to a 70-something year old ex stock broker from the city. She lived in Beaconsfield, somewhere where house prices were astronomically high.
James sat down at his computer and phoned the Skype username that Rachel had provided. Rachel answered and James had decided instantly that Rachel was going to be his first “client”. She was gorgeous, although it was on webcam the camera was zoomed out reasonably far so that you could see quite a bit of her. She had long hair, perfectly blonde and she had the most phenomenal blue eyes. She was incredibly innocent looking and this got James going straight away, he moved his eyes down her neck and to her chest which was where his eyes stayed for quite a while. Rachel had a stunning pair of tits, perfectly real and perfectly formed, she was wearing a vest which left nothing to the imagination, a thin white vest with no idea if there was a bra underneath or not, this was the sort of girl that had matching underwear on and James was starting to get hard just at the thought of what might be. It turns out that Rachel’s tits were a 32F and arguably the greatest boobs James had ever set his eyes on.
Rachel was not stupid, far from it, she had managed to make an absolute fortune from doing absolutely nothing, just from being absolutely stunning. She knew that James was offering something that suited him, he wasn’t doing it to help out women who struggled to get pregnant. Rachel played up to this and knew she would only get accepted if James fancied her, little did she know that James was very interested indeed. Rachel flirted massively with James giggling at him when he made a cheeky joke and curling her hair around her finger when he complimented her on her stunning looks.
After about 15 minutes of talking James told Rachel that he would be more than willing to help her out of her current predicament and they arranged a date for her to come to the camp, it was about two weeks away, long enough to allow Rachel time to make it seem like she was going away for the girls holiday.
James then sent over a contract that would be sent to every one of the girls that visited his camp. It was quite simple in its wording, let’s be honest none of these girls were going to sue James for breach of contract, their reputation would be damaged much more that James’ would.
The contract simply read the following:
“Dear Applicant,
By signing this declaration you, the client, agree to allow me, the provider, the have sex with you whenever in my professional opinion it is required and that at all times you are not on any birth control and will allow me to ejaculate inside of your vagina with the sole intention on getting you, the client, pregnant.
Signed
……….”
Rachel had been told about this agreement when she was being “interviewed” and didn’t seem to have an issue with it at all, if anything her eyes lit up and the thought of being a fuck thing for James to have his way with. Rachel couldn’t wait, she’d wanted a baby for years, and knew that James and his massive cock, although she didn’t know about that yet, was the best solution for her.
James interviewed 9 others that day, some as he expected were not what he was looking for and he simply declined to assist them, at no point was the location of the camp put on the adverts so there was no issues with any of them just turning up at the site uninvited. However, there were 4 others that passed James’ simple test and they were all due to arrive at the camp on the same day, giving them all a couple of weeks to build up the cover story.
Two weeks later and the day had finally arrived. James had spent the last couple of weeks sorting out the site so that the girls would be comfortable when they arrived at the camp. It was about midday when the girls started to arrive, Rachel was not the first, first to arrive was Michelle, she got dropped off by her driver of course, walked up to reception and was greeted by James.
James remembered Michelle as she was the one who wanted to come to the site earlier than two weeks. James was, however, adamant that the cover story needed to be in place, the last thing he needed was one of the wealthy partners getting wind of it and him sending some well paid boys round to sort the issue out.
Michelle walked into the office wearing very little much to James’ pleasure. Michelle was clearly of Asian decent but her father was from England. She was petite with a perfect figure, nice boobs, not massive, certainly not as great as Rachel’s, but cute nonetheless. She was wearing a loose fitting white top and jeans, they were tight and you could tell that she had a great arse. She looked intelligent, well educated and had dark brown eyes, she had a certain look about her, the “come over here and fuck me” look.
Michelle had left her suitcase outside of the reception area and once she had signed in she went outside with James where he took her to where she was staying. She was staying in one of the more comfortable options that were available, one of the wooden huts that contained a bed, a sofa and some basic cooking facilities. Outside of the huts was a porch/veranda area where there were a couple of sun loungers should the weather allow for that sort of enjoyment.
As they walked over to the hut James was making small talk with Michelle, he wanted to make sure he was at reception for the arrival of all the girls so had told himself that he wouldn’t get involved with any of them until they had all booked in and were settled into their accommodation. However, looking at Michelle, James was unsure how many women that all looked as amazing as her he could follow before wanting to blow his load deep inside their undoubtedly tight pussies.
Michelle had been shown to her room and James asked if there was anything he could get her, she said she was fine but would let him know if there was.
James was about 28, 6'3" and was in great shape. Big arms, well tanned and had a huge cock, at least 10" which had never failed to satisfy women. He had dark brown hair, and had well manicured facial hair, just enough so that girls loved it and not so much that it put them off.
He walked back across the camp site to reception and as he was just arriving there he saw Rachel pulling up in the car park. She arrived in style, James expected nothing less. She stepped out of her Mercedes convertible, walked over to reception and introduced herself. James was, as ever, confident and told Rachel that she was even more attractive in the flesh than she was online. Rachel said to James, “so when do we start?” and James was a little taken aback although not entirely surprised since Rachel was flirting outrageously on the webcam interview.
James said to her that he was waiting for all the other girls to arrive before starting to help, but before he could say anything further Rachel had sat on his desk, legs spread wide and was making sure James had no confusion that she was wearing nothing at all under the tiny little skirt that she had worn that day. Rachel was ready to go, and who was James to stick to rules, after all this was a family camp site, he’d already broken the rules.
Rachel asked him again, “when does this start?” James didn’t say a word, by this point he was already pretty hard and being as well endowed as he was, this was almost impossible to hide. Rachel could see this, and she wanted to see what it was that she was paying all this money for, she didn’t think, from seeing the bulge, that she would be disappointed. James walked over to her, knelt down in front of her and set to work trying to give Rachel the best orgasm she’d ever had. James knew exactly what it was that girls liked, exactly how they wanted to be touched and never had any problems making them cum so hard that their worlds were shaking underneath them.
James hadn’t had sex in over a week, he had been making sure the camp site was up to scratch. However, he never had any problems controlling himself and if anything the week of abstinence was likely to make him harder and his load even more massive.
As James knelt down in front of Rachel you could see that every touch, before he’d even got close to her perfectly shaved pussy which looked like it had been crafted by angels, caused her to squirm as if she was close to coming already. James locked up the inside of Rachel’s right thigh as he slowly moved his finger along her left. As he reached her soaking wet pussy he gradually moved his tongue to Rachel’s clit causing her to scream out just from the pent up frustration that she must have been feeling since she married her husband over two years ago. James couldn’t believe how wet she was, she was soaking and if he’d got her on the right day he had no concerns that he wouldn’t impregnate her today. James’ tongue could do amazing things, he was lapping up every last drop of Rachel’s sweet sweet taste, Rachel was in ecstasy, she was writhing around on the desk holding on to anything she could find, usually the back of James’ head so that he wouldn’t even think about moving away from how he was making her feel.
Rachel could feel herself getting close, she had never felt anything like this before and she was about to get to the point of screaming out. It was at this point that James could feel her getting to this stage and moved away from her gloriously soaked pussy, stood up and started to unbutton his trousers. Rachel jumped up, and threw herself onto the floor, she knelt down in front of him, undid his belt and started to unbutton his jeans. She could tell even more so when she was this close that James was very well hung, she’d never seen jeans being tested to this extent.
She pulled them open and as she did James’s massive cock just fell out, the shock on Rachel’s face was obvious, she had her mouth right open and her massive blue eyes had never opened so wide. She didn’t say a word, didn’t even bother closing her mouth, she took hold of his cock in her right hand and moved it towards her mouth. She licked her lips just before it reached her and she took him in her mouth, the moment James had been thinking about ever since he’d spoken to her on Skype two weeks ago. Rachel focused on the tip to start with, don’t let me downplay this, the tip is still a large amount of cock to fit in a mouth, she was licking all around it, making sure James was completely hard, rock hard.
At the point at which she didn’t think James could get any harder she plunged his cock down her throat, she couldn’t take all ten inches, she hadn’t seen a cock like it, and had no practice in taking anything this size all the way in. She held his cock in her throat, it was gripping his cock like the tightest pussy he’d ever had the pleasure of experiencing. Rachel started to gag and this only made it tighter, James wondered if he would be able to hold on much longer, but concentrated for a couple of seconds and made sure he didn’t choke Rachel and break the one rule he had, cum inside only a pussy, he didn’t want to waste a drop.
Rachel continued sucking her new favourite thing, she couldn’t get enough of it. For someone so inexperienced and out of practice, Rachel was not making it seem that way at all. Rachel was still fully clothed, apart from the knickers that she hadn’t bothered to put on at all today. James wanted to change that and while she was kneeling in front of him he reached down and lifted up her top to reveal the most incredible boobs he had ever seen. They looked amazing in the tight top she had been wearing when he interviewed her, they looked even better out of it. She clearly tanned regularly, they were tanned perfectly, no white marks, not too firm, they were definitely real and hung down perfectly. As she moved back and forward on his massive cock with her mouth her tits swayed back and forth, slapping against her perfectly toned body with every movement.
Rachel slowly moved her mouth off of James’ massive dick, making sure she swallowed any last drop of pre-cum and mess hat she had caused. She pulled down her tiny skirt, there was not much more fabric on it than the belt James had been wearing but it did hide some of her, although not very much.
Rachel kicked the skirt off, it landed by the door to the reception area. They were both completely naked now, James’ shirt was lost at some point in the last few minutes but couldn’t remember when, he was struggling to concentrate on anything but Rachel right now.
Rachel got back on the desk, spread her legs wide again; her pussy was dripping, just as well, she’d need all the help she could get to fit James’ huge member inside of her, considering she’d not been with a man for years, just an old man who couldn’t really do anything. James was an entirely different prospect and the thought that in a few short moments he would be deep inside her was causing her to drip in excitement.
James walked over to the desk, took hold of the inside of both of Rachel’s thighs, moved them both out to the side so that Rachel’s pussy was as wide open as it could be. He placed the tip of his throbbing cock into the opening of Rachel’s pussy, slowly stroking it up and down her pussy, teasing her make her squirm as he moved it over her soaking wet clit. James placed his cock over the opening to what was very quickly becoming his favourite thing, he pressed firmly until her perfect opening took him inside, just the tip to start with, until James was sure Rachel could cope with it’s size. Rachel screamed as he put it inside her, she’d never felt anything like it, she felt like she was full already. If she wanted to get pregnant she would have to take it so deep so that James’ massive loads splashed all over her cervix, just the tip wasn’t going to do that.
James pulled out slightly, just the small movement making Rachel scream and shiver. He then moved back in, further this time and repeated this gradually back and forward until he had filled her up. Rachel was screaming now, biting down on her lip to try and keep the noise down. James wasn’t sure who Rachel was trying to be quiet for, Michelle was nearby but was a good hundred metres away. James wasn’t too bothered if Michelle heard, if she did he was sure she’d get worked up for the inevitable fucking James would give her later on.
Rachel was cumming almost constantly, she had never felt anything like James’ cock before and didn’t think she ever wanted to experience anything else ever again. James was now balls deep in Rachel, she had managed to take the lot. Rachel was so wet it looked like James had already filled her with cum but he hadn’t, she was just dripping. James was close, he was really going for it now, he was thinking of nothing but filling her up with what was likely to be an absolutely huge load. Rachel said to him in the middle of a scream, “I want you to cum in me, make me pregnant. Fuck a baby into me”.
At this point James knew he couldn’t hold on, and who was he to deny this gorgeous girl what she had always wanted, and paid for. James started to feel his balls tighten blood rushed to his cock, he was harder and bigger than he thought he had ever been, Rachel was screaming and the thought of her being on no birth control made him even more horny.
James yelled out, “I’m going to cum” and at that exact moment he thrust himself so deep inside of Rachel, we squirmed, his load squirted all over her cervix, Rachel came so hard, she couldn’t even scream she just lay there shaking. James came so much it was seeping out the side of his cock between the walls of Rachel’s tight pussy. James’ legs felt weak, he hadn’t cum like that in ages and the fact that he could have potentially fucked a baby into Rachel made it even better.
Rachel let out a massive breath, almost like she hadn’t breathed for minutes, it’s entirely possible that she hadn’t. James pulled his massive cock out of Rachel, it had softened significantly but was still bigger than anything Rachel had experienced, she let out a small shriek as he pulled out and as she stood up off the desk she was dripping from her pussy, she’d never seen a load like it, I’m not sure anyone had.
James helped her collect her clothes and then continued to help her book in, they hadn’t got very far earlier on. As Rachel left the reception to be followed by James there were three more hopefuls waiting at the door, if they’d seen even half of what had gone on inside they would be looking forward to check in when their time came along!
Call to Action (again)
We got Tumblr’s attention with our past peaceful protest campaigns
Protect the Creators
Bring Back Reply
Protest against hate speech
Bring Back Arch Atlas
Maybe it is time we use our beloved Tumblr to protest this sexist policy that marks female nipples as porn. Tumblr is being extreme in what its decision and policies, and is using a useless algorithm that sees Rothko paintings (see @dailyrothko) and flowers and all kinds of non-porn images as porn.
So, on Monday, 12-17-18, we should not post anything on Tumblr, except the above photo, which is available here. NOTE: You can also add these to your avatar to let anyone who visits your site know about this.
As this post suggests, if we have a queue with images, we should add this one to 12-17-18. As part of our protest, we should not do anything on Tumblr for the whole day: no dashboard, no posts, no comments, chat, replies. We should also, as recommended by @jtmportland, we should also completely log out to show a physical drop in traffic/use.
Nothing on Tumblr, all day, M, 12-17-18. Even log out completely for the day so there is a drop in traffic/use.
Also, please think about putting @staff & @support on any and all reblogs of this and any on any posts about this, since this will send them a direct notification of each and every post about this. We need to flood their dashboards so they see we are upset.
Also, please use the staff and support tags.
Again, here is the link to the above sign: https://drive.google.com/open?id=1CWHndyT6EUu1ZKzS_CCUZ4yEJlS6vhcI
@staff @support
@staff @support
All my incest followers!!!
Reblog and like this post if you want a bit of me fucking my chubby cousin
Everyone who likes and reblogs will get nudes from me ♥ You have to be following me 👄
- TX|G
I really wanna know! Who wants to be one of my fuck buddies?!
Nnnngh
This intrigues me.
Any followers willing to give this a test run…?
Melt your mind then become my perfect bimbo slave
Bimbo Factory
Please use responsibly, if at all.
(Reblogging because of the file’s discussion on other tumblrs)
For those who are interested in the original …
Also, I’ve added this as a loop to some of my other theta binaural recordings at the request of a friend. Basically its a 20-min relaxation/induction that ends with 15 mins of MindMelter.. needless to say… she’s a different person when she plugs into this one.. :-} Message me if you’re interested in it.
Gotten a few recent requested for this … I’ll leave the link open for a week, so don’t wait too long …
https://www.dropbox.com/l/scl/AADqXvSyhv0GzWNvX4_llTaz1T3ZElAOvE4
The Signs In Every Relationship.
When Pisces and Pisces get together they are bound to drive each other into a rehab and/or an insane asylum. Both will eventually experience liver failure as a result of alcohol addiction.
Aquarius and Pisces together is unsuccessful. Aquarius gets outraged when Pisces mistakes an experimental liquid for scotch. Pisces becomes an amoeba. Aquarius hides the evidence.
Aquarius and Aquarius will both become nostalgic together remembering their young days on planet Floorp, where their brilliant ideas were shared and individuality was appreciated. True Love.
Capricorn has no patience for Pisces who repeatedly tries to spend the couple’s fortune on their own drug problem. Capricorn eventually tries to profit off Pisces’s drug supply. It doesn’t work.
Capricorn and Aquarius is a give and take relationship. Cap will use the experiments Aqua is conducting to make a fortune. Aquarius is paid off in stylish jackets!
Capricorn and Capricorn is not a trusting partnership. They both hide money and Twinkies from each other. They only talk about the weather and golf.
Not surprisingly, Sagittarius loves drinking just as much as Pisces! But Sag has no time for Pisces sob stories. The two typically meet at a bar, prison, or brothel.
Sagittarius and Aquarius are the PERFECT couple. Sag has no attention span and Aquarius doesn’t care. Both will eventually forget they are dating.
Sagittarius and Capricorn never ends pretty. Sagittarius manages to break all of Cap’s fine china while roller skating in the foyer. Needless to say, Sag is executed immediately.
Sagittarius and Sagittarius makes the clumsiest and most reckless zodiac pair ever to be known to man. Together they will burn down their cardboard house doing lighter-fart tricks.
Scorpio loves to easily manipulate and easily control someone. Scorpio also loves cool ranch Doritos but they’ll never tell you. Pisces is no fool though. Pisces knows all and Pisces sees all; Pisces just doesn’t care.
Scorpio will never understand Aquarius and Aquarius will never understand humans. After two failed attempts to bug the lab Scorpio gives up all together.
Scorpio and Capricorn are like two mob men that accidentally fell in love. They are both controlling evil freaks. Not nice neighbors.
Scorpio has a hard time keeping track of Sagittarius. That is ONLY because every time it rains Sag has to find a new box to live in. Talk about impossible.
Scorpio and Scorpio are the real life Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Both are the devil and both have fun slitting each others throats.
Libra supports Pisces’s drinking habits and doesn’t care if their breath smells like Georgie. Neither own a toothbrush or socks.
Libra and Aquarius are equally weird and equally dirty. Libra lets Aquarius stick test tubes and thermometers up their butt. Quite the happy couple.
Libra is typically a serf in Capricorn’s kingdom. Capricorn likes Libra because Libra doesn’t know what money is. Everyone goes home happy!
Libra loves Sagittarius’s spacious apartment which actually happens to be an old dumpster. Sag doesn’t mind Libras guitar playing while on drugs.
Libra is too peaceful for angry Scorpio who finds nothing to control. Scorpio forces Libra to take a bath. Libra farts and says “Namaste”.
Libra and Libra typically meet at an orgy or through a mutual lover. They enjoy reading Dr. Seuss and braiding each others back hair at tea.
Opposites attract: Virgo will constantly be cleaning up Pisces’s vomit, tears, and empty bottles. Pisces gets kicked out on day six.
Virgo meets Aquarius’s alien relatives and makes a negative remark about their green skin. They never come over, nor are invited, for lasagna again.
Virgo and Capricorn are immensely compatible! There’s love but manipulative Virgo’s time is mostly spent taking money from Capricorn’s off shore accounts to spend on a fondue machine. Luckily for Virgo, this goes unnoticed.
Virgo and Sagittarius is the least compatible pair in all of astrological history. Sag eats, drinks, and dirties everything they touch. Virgo cries.
Virgo will polish all of Scorpio’s weapons that they have hidden in their secret armory. Works for a while… then Scorpio “accidentally” kills Virgo.
Virgo cannot possibly live with the laid back and gentle Libra. Virg will literally die of a heart attack when they see all the dirty q tips and expired milk.
Together, Virgo and Virgo create the most annoying couple you will ever meet. Most annoying sign of the zodiac x2. No one comes to their Tupperware parties.
Leo and Pisces… turn back now! Pisces is a miserable alcoholic who pays more attention to their liquor funds than Leos latest up-do.
Opposites attract: Leo needs to be the center of attention. Aquarius pays no attention to anyone. Leo does the Macarena in Aquarius’s lab. Leo: 1 Aquarius: 0.
Leo wants Capricorn to spend a fortune on them but all of Capricorn’s money is tucked away on a small island off the coast of Bermuda. No deal hoe.
Leo and Sagittarius is “zodiacs biggest diva meets zodiacs biggest douche bag”. It works! Leo will simply have to get used to the rats and Sag’s beer breath.
Leo and Scorpio makes a horrible zodiac match. Scorpio tries to make Leo wear a Burka and convert to Islam. Leo is too busy bedazzling a beret.
Leo tries to boss Libra around but Libra does not listen. This isn’t because they’re rebellious; it’s because they have years worth of earwax.
Leo dislikes Virgo because they can’t be the boss. Virgo hates pulling out hairs from the hairbrush. Leo hates Mistolin. Failed romance.
Leo and Leo will live extravagantly in a customized house full of mirrors. But they will always fight over the hair brush and who gets the last Rice Krispie treat.
Cancer thinks they can fix Pisces with some TLC (tender, love, and care). Pisces repays cancer with a box full of donuts and cardiac arrest.
Cancer accidentally washes Aquarius’s beakers and puts them with the glassware. Aquarius eats Cancer.
Opposites attract: Cancer is usually Capricorn’s maid or butler in their giant mansion. This is usually an affair. Ends with a $20 check.
Cancer needs a loving home which Sagittarius cannot provide because their home is the inside of a porta-potty. Cancer walks away gratefully.
Cancer and Scorpio are a perfect match because Scorpio needs total control and Cancer allows. Cancer gives Scorpio their debit pin on the second date.
Cancer is constantly cleaning up after Libra. But Libra pays Cancer back in horrible singing and Buddhist advice so it all works out!
Cancer and Virgo take turns in the kitchen. They also take turns at being bitches. Most successful gay males have Cancer-Virgo parents.
Cancer has to spread rose Petals on the ground before Leo as they walk. Cancer is treated like Dobby from Harry Potter.
Cancer and Cancer will hold each other wearing nothing but aprons and watch Titanic on repeat until their tear ducts have run dry. OTP.
Wickedly compatible: Gemini is Pisces drug dealer. They pour Henny (famous liquor) on each others privates and usually bring animals into the bedroom. Ends in hepatitis.
Gemini and Aquarius count cards in casinos, become rich, then buy a mansion in Punta Cana. Gemini turns up missing several days later. Diggin’ that commitment, Gem.
Gemini and Capricorn meet while Gemini is robbing Capricorns safe. Gemini is not afraid to have sex for jewels.
Opposites attract: Gemini and Sagittarius are married for years and they don’t remember each others names nor birthdays. They live in a trash can. Harmonious.
Gemini and Scorpio attempt to play a game of “how-to-ruin-lives”. Scorpio is possessive and Gemini cannot be possessed. Literal shackles and chains.
Gemini and Libra is “Brooklyn hippie meets heights garbage”. Gemini’s boys will start to wonder when Gem started wearing fedoras.
Gemini and Virgo together is literally like when a Dominican guy is dating his mother. She tries to clean his Jordan’s with Lisol, so he pees in the hamper. Destruction.
Gemini only dates Leo because they want to get in on all the twitter followers Leo has. The relationship is a fraud. Haven’t even held hands.
Gemini comes home to Cancer once every three weeks to tell more lies and to shower. Cancer makes mangu and cries on it for good luck for Gems drug sales.
Gemini and Gemini is your classic L.A. hood couple that gets into fist fights at parties, leaves their baby with a stranger, then goes to shop at Forever 21.
Taurus and Pisces are the kings of gluttony. Endless chicken and ribs topped off with Everclear. They vomit on each other to express their love.
Taurus will never discover the “secret” lab Aquarius has in the garage because they don’t leave the couch. Harmony… until Taurus wakes up with three eyes and the ability to live without eating.
Taurus and Capricorn… aka two of the most selfish and boring zodiac signs. Taurus becomes restless because Capricorn only invests in stocks not Gucci bags.
Doomed from the start: Taurus and Sagittarius will never work out. Taurus never leaves home and Sagittarius is homeless. They only meet by chance at late night drive-throughs.
Opposites attract: Taurus is greedy and Scorpio is evil. This relationship consists of systematic homicides and jewel thievery.
Taurus and Libra are both ruled by Venus. This means they are both beautiful but lazy fuckin’ assholes. To sum it up: Libra doesn’t bathe and Taurus doesn’t notice.
Taurus and Virgo are two very similar individuals! Virgo will watch how Taurus spends money and how Taurus eats, like a hawk. Taurus will criticize cooking. End result: Bloodshed.
Taurus and Leo could work out if they stopped spending all the money on fancy shit they can’t afford and stopped fighting over swag and cream puffs.
Taurus and Cancer is a match made in heaven. Cancer cooks and Taurus eats. Both never leave the house. Boring hermit losers.
Taurus and Gemini live comfortably at first because Gemini will steal Louboutins and Prada bags for their lover. So: Luxury then prison.
Taurus and Taurus will meet in a McDonalds and fall madly in love. Their family photos will look oddly similar to a pack of warthogs.
Aries and Pisces will be swimming in a sea of E&J and tears. Alcoholics anonymous was made for people like them.
Aries breaks Aquarius’s lab equipment in rage so Aquarius has alien associates abduct and mince the ram. A clean break.
Aries and Capricorn is disastrous. Capricorn hides all the money because they know Aries will spend it on white vans and aged liquor.
Aries and Sagittarius makes the best of buds who usually enjoy sniffing cocaine off each others collar bones and robbing McDonalds. Will most likely end in jail.
Aries will upset Scorpio one time and then will never be seen again.
Opposites attract: Aries the belligerent “leader” with Libra the free spirit. It’s like Romeo and Juliet because everyone dies in the end.
Aries does not have the upper-hand with Virgo because Virg hides all the alcohol to be spiteful and they are swift with a chancla. Advice: Run, now.
Aries and Leo will have the police called on them every night for blasting Madonna too loud and having beer bottles all over the property.
Aries and Cancer is “Typical city garbage meets suburb princess”. Suicide is in the cards, folks.
Aries is outraged because Gemini drinks all of their wine and refuses to play DMX at family parties. Neither pay rent. Inevitable eviction.
Aries will fight Taurus for eating all the food in the house. Together they resemble one spaghetti and one meatball walking down the street.
Aries and Aries are classic members of poverty cycle. One’s a jobless scumbag and the other works as a part time prostitute. They will never leave the Bronx.
Here’s a sample of the FIRST Patreon exclusive track, Less Is More.
Less Is More teaches you that sometimes, it’s best to just let go and think and do a little less.
Female Voice:
ringofkees.tumblr.com
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