Deleted wattpad post under the pseudonym: goldiiblox
đŚ angela's note: To the friends that I wrote these poems to in the past, thank you for the memories. I wish you well, even if we all fell apart. And on second thought, I really think these poems are so strange. What was on my mind while I was writing these and making rose lollipops out of paper? There are also two poems I did not include here because.. I just donât want to remember them anymore. I donât like the ideas.
Synopsis:
A 'collection' of poetry that I wrote for two weeks sometime in January to give to my friends whom are special to me on Valentine's Day.
"For writers always have their heads up somewhere. When we think of somewhere, we look up at the sky. Maybe we're thinking where, or asking it for an answer."
Kamusta? (A written introduction for the website)
Ang Simula
Ang mga tulang inyong mababasa ay isinulat ng isang dalagang maraming tanong sa mundo. Ito ay mga tulang isinulat ko para sabihin ang mga nararamdaman ko. Nagkakaroon tayo ng mga kaibigan, kahit pilit natin itong iwasan ay darating sila sa mundo natin upang patunayang hindi tayo nag-iisa. Hindi ibig sabihing mahina ka kapag may katulong ka, ipinapahiwatig lang nito na malulungkot ka lamang kung mananatili kang naglalakbay na mag-isa sa mundo.
May nakapagsabi sa akin, na pakaunti nang pakaunti ang oras na nabubuhay ang isang tao. Palala ng palala ang mundo, tila may isang malubhang karamdamang walang lunas. Masakit man at hindi katanggap-tanggap, ngunit tayo ang dahilan ng paghihirap na kanyang dinaranas.
Naisip ko na, bakit nga ba minahal natin ang isa't-isa? Kung ikaw lang naman sa atin ang nasasaktan ng malubha? Isang tanong na binulong ko sa langit, na parehong nilulunod ang paningin ng mga bituing na kailanma'y hindi ko masusungkit.
Patawad, mundo. Mahal na mahal kita. Patawad dahil hindi ko alam kung mahal ka pa rin ba ng iba.
Ang mga tulang ito ay hindi man ang pinakamahusay sa lahat, ngunit kailangan pa bang alamin kung ito ay binuhos ko mula sa aking pusong maraming linalaman?
Magkikita tayong muli pagkatapos ng labing-isang tula.
(Paalala para sa mga banyaga: Labing-isa, maghintay ka bago mo maintindihan ang iyong binabasa.)
Pag-uulit
Siya ang gabi, at ikaw ang buwan.
Dumating ang araw
Iyak
Sa isang lugar na kung saan
Mga tanong na hindi nasagot
Hardin
Isang inang nagaabang nag pag-asa
Ang anak, naghahanap ng pagmamahal
Namatay na ang hardin
Pag-aalangan
May mga bagay akong kinatatakutan
Ang mga bisyong hindi ko matakasan
Hiling ko sana'y hindi na ako matakot.
Nakakalito
Pag-ibig sadyang nakakalito
Sapagkat napakatulin ng iyong pagtakbo.
Pag-asa Para sa Mga Bulaklak
Pakiusap, sana diligan mo naman sila.
Hinawakan ng iyong daliri
Sumpa
Hangin, tubig, lupa at apoy
Biniyayaan sila ng misteryo
Ang lupa at apoy
Panaghoy
Nakatutulog ako tuwing may bagyo.
Nagagalit ako tuwing nakakaramdam
Diyamante
Madalas hinahanap ng mga babae
Naadik sa kanya ang isang perlas,
Buti pa ang mga bato
Tamlumpuât Isang Pahina
Sinabi nilang mahusay ako.
Ano nga bang meron sa hinaharap?
Ako ay dapat nakasulat sa ika-tatlumpu't isang pahina.
Paalam! (A written post to section the Filipino poems and the English poems)
Sa nakaraang pahina ay nagtapos ang parada ng mga tula. Masaya na ang aking kalooban dahil nailagay ko na rin sila sa lugar na kanilang dapat paglagyan. Sa ngayon ako muna'y mamamaalam, dahil ako naman ay magsusulat sa ibang wika ng isang liham na mayaman din sa tula.
Hindi naman ako kagalingan, ngunit wala na akong ibang pinaghuhugutan. Ang pag-ibig ay hindi ko man nailarawan sa mga tula, naipahiwatig ko naman ang aking naintindihan dito. At dahil sa pakikinig ko sa kwento ng iba't ibang tao, marami na din akong natutunang aral galing sa kanila.
Huwag tayong mawawalan ng pag-asa. Hindi natin kailangang pilitin masagot ang lahat ng ating itinanong, dahil may mga katotohanang magdadala pa sa iyo sa mga mas mapanlinlang pang kasinungalingan.
Hearts (An Overheard Conversation)
"Can I touch your heart?"
"Well, no, you cannot."
"Why so?"
"You have to open me up first, an you will never know how painful it is."
"Oh. I apologize for being rude."
"You know, people like you are rare. People with genuine care are rare."
"How could you say that?"
"People who came were crows who opened me up and touched my heart. Some even have nails too sharp that it left a scar."
"What's worse is that they spoke no words while tearing me open. I reckon the times I feel nothing, my cries for mercy withered away, and I heard my own silence."
"I feel really sorry. I shouldn't have asked. It's my mistake. I sincerely apologize."
"It's natural for you to feel sorry, but don't be. After all, you won't like the hideous sight I've been keeping inside me."
"I should stay away from my ignorance. A treasure chest doesn't always contain luxury." Â Â
The Chase
"Perhaps hopeless isn't a place."
Embroidery
They were series of dreams
Define
The fish swam in the sea
Fear crept in its veins
Flight
Sometimes, it's good to be free.
Oh no, there is an approaching storm
Promise
I sat at the back, feeling discouraged.
L O V E
I haven't found it yet but still searching.
Is it really love?
Is it love when we only think of bliss?
I see the paper.
Questions From a Mutual
Is the flower pretty?
I love you dearly
Hesitant
Silence is asking for a dance.
Aurora spoke in eloquence.
"I miss silence"
The existence of silence, my heart beating
Tsunami
If pain is never permanent
Asking
Troubled lots of times
The clouds are speaking the truth.
Strangers
Timid was my perfect profile.
We are two celestial bodies embracing.
Gradient
Why are we distant?
Cashmere skies, reflected your dreamy eyes.
Abundance
I woke up from my bed of roses.
On The Shelf
"Hey moon, please forget to fall down."
Tearing worlds apart, crossing the black hole
Just In Case
This world, a chaotic place.
Now just in case,
Alive?
Sometimes, it's good to be alive.
I wrote during the midnight,
The Good Side
Wasteland became a home.
Dreams have fallen
How Could I?
Should Valentine's last long?
The chase is pointed at me
But they didn't.
Pieces of You
No, I can't fly without wings.
You thought you fell on clouds,
Question: Are you the lost fallen angel?
Delete
Delete the sea in your mind
You sat, barely listening
Tired?
A house built from cards.
There are at least three questions
Saints
Here they are, dancing.
Their lips spoke a prayer.
Evocative
Honestly, I feel tired
Who knows when I'm writing this?
Haven
When I was a star, I loved being warm.
100 Letters
The crack of dusk
Feels like slowly spreading ink.
The rising sun
Is she blinding someone?
I wanted everything to be perfect.
There's a list of wishes
But they feel like I'm becoming more
Hopeless.
Voiceless at 9 oâ clock
Moments, rooms, voices
The house is filled with voices.
It has such clear windows.
But once destroyed by hopeless
All these shows
Are gone by morning.
Perhaps even late in the evening,
Where wild hearts are sleeping.
Voiceless, hopeless is screaming.
Swimming Pools
Things hit rock bottom.
It feels heaven to be in love
Why does it feel hell to break in half?
The swimming pools are calming underneath.
Morning
Parties are fun, do you want to lose your mind?
I tainted my mind with lust.
The throne is made of gold,
Torn in Two
I believed that in this world,
My hopes are as high as a tower.
The cards have cut a slit in my chest.
Misinterpretation
Even if I don't want you to expect much,
Hello, this is me.
I'm a stranger.
Play
She loved the mystery of love.
Why is love serious with their games?
Nemesis granted me a pill.
I wished to be in love.
And now I'm aware that I'm included in this mystery.
Solitude
Pardon, I know you're getting tired.
Sunny, happy, and care-free
We both need rest.
February
Could be as sweet as honey
February, could be a common name
Be safe in playing with the cards.
They are dangerous, all the time.
Wishing Wells
Wishing wells are one of our old spells.
Possibly, we fail.
It's for you to be happy.
H a l f w a y
A variety of poems.
I.
Bubbles float in the virtual world.
I couldn't care less.
My mind, a deep chasm.
Our hearts, disconnecting
But our dreams, slowly forming.
II.
Crimson filled the cloudy afternoon.
The sun cries with vivid tears.
They chose to escape this disaster,
The stars became blind.
Now I see, that the night is gone.
III.
Obsessed with perfection
Obsessed with the passion
Is this the place where they belong?
Or is this another illusion?
IV.
Wistful, I pride for my ocean.
Why do I feel like I'm inside a whirlpool?
I wonder what is going on.
V.
Instead, why am I receiving worlds?
VI.
We are finally on the first lap.
How can I say things
You're halfway.
Can you offer time to stay?
His Story
I | Sculpture
It is a sculpture of a heart
II | Squares
It is a Polaroid
III | Barrier
It is a wall
IV | Puzzle
False discoveries.
V | Things That Grow
Thus, he expanded mulch.
VI | Location
He planted the roots of a musical note.
He called it his true sanity.
VII | Evening
It was dark.
VIII | Oblivion
It was cold.
IX | Creature
His creature, now a monster.
X | Unsolved
A domino of film is played.
Warmth.
XI | Idle
His eyes closed contently.
XII | His Epilogue
Without anyone knowing
Blue
You are deep.
You may not be the heart's color,
But you are here, a peaceful harbor.
Red
I spotted you walking with an old friend named Rose.
Deleted wattpad post under the pseudonym: goldiiblox
Date of final revision: December 27, 2017
Language: English
đŚ angela's note: This has no coherent plot. I swear, I will delete these someday. I wonder why I canât just throw away the works I did in the past. Oh well, an archive is an archive.
Synopsis: No synopsis available.
~SHE~
She had a screaming heart, but they were just unclear whispers. Her eyes sought to be weeping pieces of laughter while she secretly looks for her own peace; her own shelter. She was a gigantic eagle soaring high, but all they saw was her shadow looming over.
What she feels doesn't really matter and so they began to chase her. She had a terrible fate and a misunderstood truth. Her head began to feel weightless as they caught her and claimed her to be theirs.
She thinks she is strong enough, and everything doesn't really matter.
She smiled and passed through tremendous thunders, trying to keep herself safe and intact, even though her deepest and darkest fears, in their strongest attempt, throwing her off track.
Still, she smiled. It was the most unique seal to keep her secret.
That she's trembling horribly inside.
She continued to keep smiling even though her heart is on the edge of the line.
They hauled her close, like she was a lifeless kite. It was their revenge. It was them, striking back. It was them forcefully opening her eyes.
She held a bouquet of sunflowers, proof that no storm could kill her. She was still smiling until she realized that she cannot breathe anymore. Her body lay still and became a soiree of cuts and bruises. And the moonlight's tears submerged on her rotting skin.
The eagle once soared high is about to say goodbye.
And her life doesn't want to. Not yet.
She wants to end this and she hungrily searched for a void that would end her.
Now, she had closed her eyes, feeling the peculiar love they give as she slowly dies as one of the two liars.
She forced happiness in her hurricane, and now she wanted nothing but dying.
~she~
Tears showed abundance in her eyes. She was a portrait of a woman that a man could ever demand.
Brittle.
Gentle.
Silent.
But it makes her feel weak. Women are toys. She looked for control.
Cold blood circulated around her body.
Crying as the seal of showing her innocent and pitiful.
She is an actress playing in a broken bad dream. She will never stop causing turmoil, her tears transforming into strings, modestly driving her prey insane.
She is trapped in a mayhem even though there weren't whispers ringing inside her head.
They think she had crossed the great divide, but she's secretly eating them alive.
There were numerous souls she ate but none of it revives her. Her tears are lies, her smiles are faked and her eyes are a blasphemous gift.
And her honesty had died out before she knew it. She was a victim of a demon called Liar, a ghost lurking everywhere and there is this monster walking behind her.
She screamed once again, exhausting her lungs for a voice to escape from her sewn mouth. It was an embroidered smile that speaks as modest as a sanctuary, but meant a metaphoric surprise of guns and roses.
She can't quit. She is still on the hunt. She is a sculpture of fallen leaves surprising everyone with its deathly beauty.
Her heart is as hard as a rock, she can't even feel it beating like it used to. Her mind feels empty, all those fresh memories beginning to fade away.
She used to care a lot, her happiness doesn't seem to end until it's an evil laughing renegade.
She covered her ears, this cannot be happening, she must stay awake. It made her traumatic and sent her screaming before, and coming out now torpor.
Until her whimpers mysteriously convert themselves into psychopathic laughter, like demons who used to tear her off.
She stood up and raised a knife and continued her chase her ultimate desire.
She carried thorns and began a killing spree, to make pure satisfaction out of fresh human blood.
She is scary and she knows it.
She doesn't care about it.
After all, what they're seeing is a crying little liar.
~they~
They were flowing together with a routine of lying. They walked in the streets, almost getting hidden and unnoticed.
Hidden. A lurking secret.
And their eyes locked on each other, diving deep into each other's souls. They are desperate maidens, chasing their own sense of youth.
They were afraid at the strike of midnight, it's an hour of gloom, when they get to wander in languor.
They did not. They never will. In their eyes were both something they wanted from each other.
A balance of two opposing colors, each with a single stain from the other. They earned their first scars, as they were restless through mornings and evenings.
They raised their knives and clashed again aggressively.
They are two liars.
She is an exploding centerpiece.
And hers are lungs that breathed out death.
They are two liars, with a need for escape from their cages. They need to be tamed and freed from getting devoured into their darkness.
They don't want to be lost again, and they are two liars.
Deleted wattpad post under the pseudonym: goldiiblox
Started: October 7, 2017
Ended: May 11, 2018
đŚ angela's note: I havenât reread this again, but I just know that there is a lot of naive emotional turmoil in each letter spelled by the poems. I will probably delete this if I get too tired of seeing this in my archive.
Synopsis:
They are written in simple words. Sprinkled with rhymes. And titled in irony.
Under
My lungs are highways of polluted vapor
My mouth imbibes flammable liquid
My whole body is a temple of addiction
I savored lips of thousand flavors
Plainly waking up uncertain
On hours certain, during
Usually feeling my skin burning
I swam onto the sea
The water felt empty as my soul
They say affection is everywhere
It Felt Like
Just like you're taking a bath alone, steams rising up as your cheeks become reddish, it soothes your sore body and warms you comfortably.
I lifted the empty bottle of wine
It felt like beautiful muffled screams that could only be described by certain people, and after a while, the certainty hides under a clean kitchen knife
You always feel like a possibility, but no one chooses to take your path. You always feel pain but you brush it under the rug.
Another day goes by, another voice was born, while the other passed away along the cry of the wolf.
It felt like a surprise and a regret for making decisions wrong.
Tempting like Snow's apple.
Poetic like Canada's Maple.
I was taking you somewhere through words. We may have the same eye color, but I could surely tell that we're also both telling a different meaning behind the blank expressions we try to insist. As clear as the imprinted traces of words on the next page of a notebook, each letter felt alive, but they were written on the past.
An Open Book
I opened the book of yours. I explored around the spider's web, careful not to fall. It was so delicate after all.
I can't describe how it felt to be this close to something dangerous, but it always fools me when the sun rises when I'm with you. I always think of a very different point of view and forget my sickness for a while.
I can't pretend to be normal, after I saw a glimpse of you, it proved that pain is a mild disease and infections of love are hard to cease.
I saw the scars on your arms. I saw the wrinkles when you smile. I would always find myself extending my arms to reach for your soft cheeks, and walk through your soul as if it was an aisle .
The climax climbed down from its beautiful peak, I wanted to scream for more. I wanted to live in the world of yours. It was inevitable, and it's hurting me knowing that I jumped back through the portals of your world and my reality.
All this bliss made me sick, because I just believed that I'm in a garden, but I'm only sitting in the middle of some barren land,
It proved that you are a trap, hidden behind the doors. Sectioned between the shelves, and buried in the depth of deafening silence that became your only source of serenity. It is the only bliss that we both could be.
Cradling Danger
Quiet as a rose
They're gone. All the ringing and irritating sounds grew more dull as you take steps away, wiping the mixture of blood, sweat and tears drying on your skin.
You are the thief, and you are running into a place of oblivion. They, who are clean and pure are running swift to you in pursuit.
Looking for somewhere that would calm you down, has a never ending field of your favorite flowers and you could call almost an ocean you went deep into the woods. It's dark, but you're not scared for it's part of who you really are. You believed upon a new hope to start as someone that is adroit, entering countless cities but then leaving them pathetic and in a static paradox of catastrophe. You are looking for something easy to crumble and have your tainted name recognized in the sea of white.
You caused so much harm, how could you look for peace? Â Is it the right time? Is it escaping? Are you even alive?
They scarred another place again, spreading wildfire, causing trauma and unbelievable disasters. Those lives were assassinated albeit misunderstood innocence. They gave you another reason to look for somewhere to live again. You were a missing person hiding behind the bushes as a profile that is too good to be true.
You walked into a lot of dreams, sometimes even encountering walking dreams. You are hoping to sit on a rocking chair, feel solitude in the shuffling of leaves going along with the gentle breeze almost kissing your soft skin, see the freedom of stags and does marching on a carpet of grass and you know you can smile up to your eyes, and you've done everything right. Unfortunately, you are seeing them running now, caught in this fire. These burning colors hurting their bodies and stepping on their smallest amount of dignity left inside their soul. You see them slowly hoisted up along with the clouds of smoke.
The war was as deep as the abyss, and rising from it made you alive and new again.
But then you came to your senses and heard explosions, making your heart race faster than you thought. They're near, and they will never let you escape again.
You want them to let you embrace the invisible warmth, which you could kneel down and see the pastel painted walls, or see the horizon behind the glass windows. Some place only located in your mind, opening up into a new scenery, you are watching a fine film while you are attending to your misery. You're wishing for a place that feels like earth. How it was before all this chaos.
There is no time, you have no choice but to hide. It sounds stupid to be silent under the crevices of your straying home. It is pointless, but you have to savor the last minutes of life fate is offering you.
You ran away, wiping the blood, sweat and tears running down on your stained cheeks as you entered inside a dark cavern, a place to hide, and it seems that closing your teared eyes are the only way to secure yourself from everything you've been wanting to escape for a lifetime.
An ironic way of finding protection in it. An unspeakable way of claiming happiness in it.
Today will be gone, it will be a part of a yesterday. They will realize such havoc they did. You smiled to yourself, thinking about how much you loved the sun. It's always bright and eye-opening, because in this darkness, eyes become sightless.
We are looking for the sun. How greedy of him, right? Taking authority so that we're unable to see.
Breeze gently blew, and killed the light, just as you were about to hold it close to you, like how the warmth made you feel safe, as the sounds grew louder, for the last time. Danger smiled wickedly and he stood behind your lifeless body.
Rotting your flesh, emptying your lungs, paling your skin-
Bittersweet
As larger feet step on a person's spine, it continued like chains until the smallest got crushed down. Senseless. Helpless.
"Goodbye, auld lang syne."
Unforgettable and almost sleepless nights, staring at each other's eyes, and creases formed on the clean bedsheets. Tender kisses sprinkled on bodies, blaming, shaming and abusing.
Control. I think that's what people live for.
Cutting on skins that would leave a mark, claiming to be bipolar. Blood dripping and camera light flashing. Society neverminding, Â because they say you're overreacting. Tears dripping down from bloodshot eyes, frustrated as people think that you're being overly dramatic.
Being choked because of pride that fame caused, being ripped apart because of lies you carried and seeing the dark through melancholic happiness. What a self-contardicting truth, right?
Tired of hearing all the explanations. Tired of hearing words that would make eyes turn to you, and plaster quick, undecided expressions because of what they suddenly heard.
Tired of the pain numbing away.
Realizing that you're just chasing your tails, not your dreams.
Jumping into anywhere that would make yourselves comfortable, no matter how unrealistic it is, you would always feel like you're in the middle of the universe, floating and staring at those stars that almost feel closer to those bodies, that varied a lot of mysterious shades.
Underneath the world of lies and bittersweet truth, are reasons that are longing to be said by a brave mouth, and heard by an understanding pair of ears.
This era is changing so quick. This world becomes more dense, yet smart. People become so dumb, yet philosophical. It is a paradox, and I have been more confused up to this time.
Textures and Feelings
From the dry and rough cement, I took a step out of the brick house. Letting my skin feel the morning dew, as my vision gets foggy.
The sun shone through the leaves of tall trees, showering the patches of moistened grass with bright sunlight.
My feet sunk through them, and each time I took a step up, I would hate the sight of dirt on it. I walk on the grass, I can feel that they heaved a sigh. Then the rain drops.
I could feel them drown themselves happily, with the drink the lovely clouds offer them.
I could see the water coming out from them each time I step on them in morning, the scent of earth evaporating away.
As if I'm stepping on a wet floor, because they're almost the same. I trip on them, they felt cushions that would caress the pain away and the numbness is granted in exchange as I stand up, brushing the dirt away.
As I closed the thick layer of curtains wind blows hard outside. And the poor snowmen came to face their real situation. They go along with the blizzard, going against each other, trying to clear and make a path through each other.
Dusk ended and children threw snow at each other, and played with it like sand. Bits of them can be barely touched by a human and would always feel them through bunches. A cup of something warm should cure the cold with those steams rising visibly from our nostrils while we're breathing through the long winter days.
They can be rejoiced. And they can contain a lot of feelings, like the moistened grass under our toes, or like the microscopic snowflakes that showed art.
I looked up the sky and my thoughts went all blank as I let my eyes stare at how they move around and shift into something irregular, again and again.
Lights
Another day began, with street lights turned down, proof that artificial things have limited uses. Thick powder are applied on skins, flesh begin to rip apart.
Another day began, and unfortunately to an ample population of people, it will be another tragic day. The loud sounds of markets opening and the noises arise as large crowds of people gather.
Another day that boxes would open and spit out merciless words that constantly hit things that weren't meant to be hit and droplets would fly in the air, almost transparent as the emotions that came out from where it began.
Another day to eat that salt and would feel irritation in our throat afterwards. Not jus in our throat, but also irritates our mood.
And another day for a chance. Mostly lost by everyone, slacking off in unconscious ways, slacking off by keeping themselves busy and letting time pass by.
And once it passed by, the words we said, the things we did and we planned were all placed somewhere we don't probably know. And after staring at it for a little while, it would surprise me a little, as the lights flashed bright again, lasting artificially.
Happiness
A few more plain sentences and it can be described. A lot more feelings and it will be just the right explanation.
I see it when picnic mats were laid on top of the grass, the sun shone with an early strike of warmth that made some cheeks blush a little. Sharing at the same place, without anything that may disturb you. Honest conversations, mixed with humor and laughing eagerly.
Burying those feet in the sand. Looking at the setting sun, as the day begins to end and replaced with another lifeless night to most people. The noise of the shore calming your soul and you heaved a sigh, for once letting out all those insecurities inside that home, sleeping contently.
I see you finding answers. The scorching feeling of freshly brewed coffee, just like in a familiar scene, just like on a familiar TV screen. Feeling contented that you don't even desired to find heaven. If you can create one.
Just like looking at the clock that flashed the first seconds of the first hour. Anxieties rose inside you again, and you felt that you'll be wrecked. As you wander somewhere that's still a stranger to you. One sparkle, one sprinkle of a dust and that made you find what to do, and you were a child.
If they can understand what makes you feel all sugary sweet, or maybe will explode from inside the soda bottle, it's meaningful. No matter how small or scarce it may be. As long as you're happy, if made the most of it, it won't be a waste.
After all, it's something very hard to find and yet, too common and normal for a desire.
Describing Colors
Green. You would always see me whenever I look out on my window, or whenever I take walks on my grandmother's garden. You may seem simple and static and would always emphasize other bright colors. I can often see you being hit by the sun and when I stare at your brightness, I find myself to be seeing almost nothing, feeling a little blind. You are warm but you're still different than blue, no matter how close your shades are.
Blue. I am dazzled at you. You hide a lot of existence despite the fact that you are not black. You are deep and I can compare you to a spider's web. Every time you reflected in my eyes, it makes me want to explore your depth and I don't also think I can rise back again. I wanted to harbor myself into the deep and that is why I won't stop being interested in you. Whenever I close my eyes, I think of you and the secrets that lie underneath the wavy lines, you can appear both elated and melancholic and will always depend on your shade. And whatever seems the coldest can be the warmest.
Yellow. I see you in between. You are optimism and go perfectly with black, and you know that you can divide. But you're not so good at it than white. You shine and sometimes you can blind. I feel like when I touch you, I will burn but if the world lives with only you in dominance, I don't think everyone will be satisfied.
Red. You burn. There are countless words to describe you. You may represent a person, and I always see you dropping between cuts. And I see you sometimes with thorns, adorning the beautiful flower. You go very well with green, and may seem static and also violent. You seem fierce and outrageous, but you can please when you go a little lighter. No matter how dangerous you appear, I can watch you in daze because your dominance is always influencing.
Brown. You are in everyone's skin. You sink deep, just like blue. You are very warm and I can let you sink in my taste buds for a long time. You can appear lavishly, and held between crossed legs. You can be the result of a burn, or a dried leaf. You can be very unique while appearing too common, and can make yourself a fountain.
Purple. Royalty. You can dominate in a persuading way, which was never too sweet, violent or sounded like a rat screaming for help. You can be perfection, or rather, balance. Despite the color you have, you showed calmness and shone within it. You can be the temptation. And as if you were created by none, you can stare blankly, sitting on a throne, but it can seem very obvious. There are secrets in you, which makes you similar with blue. You can stand still, and can captivate by the confidence you have.
Orange. You rage all your feelings all at once. You can be very unexplainable, and sometimes be burning. You leave a stinging in my eyes whenever I close them under the sun. You can be honest and real enough to squeeze it all out you can't leave any single pulp. Just like how you burn in fire, it's also how you burn freely, and although it can be very dangerous, it is a proof that you are awakened and provoked. You can startle better than black, and that is how it is. The brighter you are, you can duplicate yellow and be very menacing. You can tend to be like the lion, who can dress themselves as the king of a non existent kingdom.
White. Close to invisibility. If you are in a sci-fi movie, you can be very cool. You can make things disappear. You are like the soft wind, and I can see you anywhere, still spotless and still beautiful. You can describe the girls. You adorn the purple walls, you can sink into everything and blend excellently, and secretly control them in the modest way.
Black. Exceptional. Can always be the opposite of all things, you can pretend, hide, seek, startle, kill, surprise, destroy. And you can be clean. I see you for the half of the day. I can feel you when the night wind blows. You are the barrier. You are the murderer. You are innocence. You are the poisoned chalice, the infections and impurities. Once you appear, we start to find light, because even the mystery in you can be very dominating. You are the whispering in our ears and what we see when we are senseless. You are the color who understands all the emotions. You are the blanket to all of them.
And before all those colors sprung to life, you are here. And that is why you are very exceptional. You are the beginning. And will always be.
DNA
Their symphony sang like summer amidst the cold approaching winter.
They spiraled and moved in the space they filled. They closed gaps and united a figure.
They continued to be constant, savoring the drops of static lines.
They envisioned life differently.
They wanted to control.
They wanted to become a source.
They're already a languid evidence.
They're detailed particles of fluid.
Three letters made them shortened.
Three letters made them float up in the dictionary.
Those three letters, read by childish curiosity eventually diverts into the knowledge of a human brain.
They made them think that they're only a small pixel of an image.
The image of an organism.
And there's millions of them.
Walls
It is a sculpture of a heart
It is a Polaroid
It is a wall
False discoveries
Thus, he expanded mulch
He planted the roots of a musical note
It was dark
It was cold
His creature is now a monster
A domino of film is played
A Statement
Confidence in life flows
His eyes closed contently
Insecurities in death grows
The world is becoming a tempting place
Poisonous
Wicked
Vigorous
A voyager journeyed in the shadows
Lit the way through savage fires
Extinguished hope through rotting sorrows
From his lips exhausts broken breathing
His footsteps causing the shallow earth trembling
He had traveled with limited curiosity
He had lived in this jagged world only as a voyager
Who spent days and nights composing sacred poetry
Carving nothing but supreme fiction on rustic libraries.
Back and Forth
Return the smiles I bent
Return the path I lost
I became blind
Craving for more
I fell in love in sexual desires
And became sinful.
Return the innocence I buried
Although it's impossible to reset it
Return the soul so clean
Return the mouth that spoke nothing mean.
Find me in this forest
Full of demons
Full of abusive addictions
Save me from this pain
Soften my heart in vain.
Story of Us
My name is John and her name is Emily.
Return me
We are lovers of writing
We spent our days holding a piece of paper and a pen,
They used words in their own rhythm.
They saw the world differently
And composed poetry
That was hiding in different places.
However,
John, you are alive
While I, lived before this century.
You wrote inside the world full of attention.
While I wrote,
Inside my home
Sitting on a chair by my window,
In isolation.
It was a tragedy that she died, right before the world is getting to know her.
It was neither a blessing for him to still breathe, because through stories, their lives were somehow connected to each other.
Burden
We dwell in silence
A God of Silence, he is
Always do fret
I, in Vain
About how I broke the things
The rain drops on my feet
Bonding with regret
As they rejoiced on my defeat
Down to Death
(poem of Wattpad Story: Pieces of You)
Jamie was Jack, Blaire was Jill.
As they watched my life drown.
Jill went to fetch a pail of water
To clean her chaotic disaster
Jack followed Jill and Rachel was the hill.
Together they go
But one poor soul screamed in sorrow.
Jack stumbled and tumbled but there was no mother who cured his trouble.
Mother Nature smiled wholeheartedly but then it was too late
To realize that mistaken identity
And she was sorry.
Jack's body lay still on the healthy soil
And Jill went running away
Thinking she didn't do it intentionally
Remember that Jack's eyes are still open
He could see you, Jill
That you're both afraid
Because they're coming to get you, soon.
It's the winter, approaching catastrophically
Making you slowly fade away
Jamie's death engraved truth in Blaire's madness and lies.
ěź
His hair iridescently shone in vibrant colors. His tongue spoke fire while his skin glowed in the sunshine, almost dissolving in it. He worked as a pianist, pressing keys in patterns that cradled melodies of his bad mourning. Once, he was left alone, inside a room filled with gasoline of temptations of dying. He was left with only pictures in his mind. He tried to hold on to them, but they're just vivid memories of what he can recall that he's happy.
He desired common things when he was younger. Getting ink on his skin. Journeying restlessly. But, he realized that his worth is rare than them. His worth that's filled with insecurities and broken harmonies that suffocated his lungs, as he hyperventilates to remain alive.
ë
He was a small living thing. He carried charming eyes and genuine smiles. In this jagged world he trailed with caution, adventuring in dynamic motion. He was innocent. Beautiful. Pure. He remained the same as he eyed a galaxy on the world. He danced, as a sunflower kissing your cheeks a good morning.
ěź
ěŹ
Luxurious cuisines he cooked. He was the root of the group. He stood underneath, discovering something new, while his feet remained on his shoe. He loved people, he loved making them smile. But he admires himself more than anything else. An adorable narcissist who seems divided away from the problems of life. It's weird to say, but would be absolutely mundane to be true. Maybe because he was a desert, conquering alone, without feeling jaded and getting lost in his own, restless path. Â
His face reflected a mirage of thousands of unspoken words. No matter how he tried, he ends up staring back with a closed mouth, patiently waiting for someone to ask him in a way he'll answer back. He wasn't obvious, because he always hopped around the room, like a child.
ě¤
He dwelt in plain happiness. He wore freedom and closed gaps of distances and left his love somewhere in his madness. He's dressed in sleeves of silver, cherished fame and attention that will be the declined in the next century of his existence. Once, like him, he had clung on empty desires.
He's an ocean of midnight thoughts and a kaleidoscope of broken dreams fused together that created a path to his majesty.
ěĄ
He was lost in skinny love, yet deprived for static serenity. He intertwined fingers and is capable of offering thorns underneath colored rose. He had poured knowledge, spoke with such confidence but has a universe of doubts like them that barely blended into his garden. If he was an ocean, he was a sea.
A calm destruction. Clear. Miraculous. Empty.
And it blinded their eyes, leaving them submerged under its melancholic depth.
He was a mess. A struggling chaos concealed.
ěźęłą
He's one strong soul, shimmering fiercely despite the surrounding youth. He tried to find his own misery, but it's him being unconscious to admit his fragile emotions. He's powerful that no one sees the downpour of raging storms inside him. He sang the chorus of his differences, reaching out to everyone his fears and his failures that were just too perfect.
And cooked confusion in his silenced truth, a hindrance in his silhouette.
Deleted wattpad post under the pseudonym: goldiiblox
Date of First Revision: February 8, 2018
Date of Last Revision: February 18, 2018
Language: English
đŚ angela's note: I absolutely loved writing this back then, but I had no clear plot in mind. I might continue this in the future one way or another.
Synopsis:
tampered feelings, endless nightmares, youth running. did the devil leave a trace? it did, and it's a ruin.
The Cards
---each carry their own mystery. thus, the palace still a broken family.---
The Guests: Deuce Hearts; Six Spades; Nine Spades
The Children: Ace Spade; Queen of Clubs
The Odd Child: Ace Spade
Lost Wanderer: 10 Spades
The Monarch: Six Diamonds
The Brothers: King of Diamonds; King of Hearts
The Mothers: Queen of Diamonds; Queen of Hearts
The Odd One: Queen of Clubs
Discord: Nine Spades--
Males: Spades; Diamonds
Sexes:
Females: Hearts; Clubs;
a mini note left: âhello, and i dont know what the fuck this is.â
Deuce Hearts: She is part of the symbolic youth. Marking this day, she wanders the forest of addiction, she thought it's a good teacher. But it's the palace of disaster.
Six and Nine Spades:
They are siblings running away. They escaped from a hotel hallway, sneaked through cemetery gateways and are invisible after day. They are haunting, for they are looking for their restless lust.
Ace Spade:
To be a flower or the hummingbird? Honeyed voice, an inner fire waiting to grow. Never left the palace, for a reason of hiraeth, somewhere unknown. He is an odd child, a delicate toy.
Queen of Clubs:
She looks for love. The only one in the family who feels alive, but is she really?
10 Spades:
He knows nothing about himself. After waking up in this lonely place, his mind erased into a blank space. They hoped for him to come back.
S I X Â D I A M O N D S:
Before, he made a great family, a good king who sought serenity. Now, he have lost his pure grace, and the house is out of place.
King of Diamonds:
His laugh may be an angel's, yet he owns a little town of clouds controlling him.
King of Hearts:
He is not a liar. Only their father made him believe he is.
Queen of Diamonds:
Her light as pale as the moon, showing that her care has already faded. Her heart numb up until this day, it's her hidden secret.
Queen of Hearts:
The oldest sister, she takes charge of being the mother.
Nine Spades:
A man whom the family left their sun.
The house is fallen, who will be saved? What decisions are going to be made? The palace is dim and broken, will those guests who arrived would help the family restore it back?
"universal minds, all kinds"
-Lauren Jauregui
"Even in a system that promises the impossible, the impossible cannot exist. What may promise to rebuild a house of cards cannot prevent the inevitable fall."-Anonymous
"Good evening, you have now entered the palace."
Dialogue
-addictions (Guest Spades) ; 1st poem
Location: still missing; morning
Our eyes saw countless naked bodies. We loved the sensation of lips locking into each other, and we are lost when we feel the collision between the two of us. It was a silent night, and our hotel room having dim light. It was just the two of us, but it doesn't matter. We want to stay like this forever.
Hopeless told us that we are fools. Hopeless told us that he could help us. His words were enough to lure our blank minds.
-empty (Deuce Hearts) ; 1st poem
But like we said, we're once again, fooled. Â
This is about being lost. This is as inviting as a big castle, but this is a confusing puzzle.
Location: The Chapel near to her orphanage; midday
My life is full. my heart is alive. But what about my time? I know it's running out.
I ran away from home, only finding a forest that led my torch to be running out. Â
I miss feeling all those genuine feelings. My heart is alive. I could see, think, smell, taste and hear, yet they're registered into my brain as "empty"
Perhaps, I might meet someone feeling the same. I suppose I would hold on to that kind of hope. Perhaps, I would cross paths with them. The sky is pretty, isn't it? Â
-The Bouquet (Six Diamonds) ; 1st poem
What is happening? Why is this family falling?
Location: Throne Room; night
It went from a golden age to this ruined place.
It seems that we are no longer flourishing. I seek help, yet it fills me with humiliation. It began as a mistake, but who knows that mistakes are poisons rapidly infecting the host.
I put my blame on to him, but after realizing the truth, discord is no longer around. He went missing, and my mind tells me to do nothing.
Half a Glass
I told my love through typing this. I'm  exhausted. All the beauty of this bliss. And how limited this affection is. Â
--these are deep-seated and intense beliefs that they will never abandon----
----her most majestic gift is also one with deeper curses and it's not her fault, it's the fault of the times she's living in: she loves hard. she finds love in the sky, in the cosmos. she sees hurt people, and still, she knows they deserve love too.
--------they were of two households. each person carrying hearts in dull rainbows.
A String of Drafts
"There you are! I have been searching this town for so long."
"You don't need to. My voice, you'll hear. My face, you'll never witness. Why are you letting the townsmen see a graceless fool?"
"What if they cannot see me either?"
Character Synopsis:
"That would...this is a lie. Forget me, now."Â
-----
"To be honest, I don't know what I'm doing anymore."
"Would you like to rest?"
"I'd like to. But it doesn't last for a satisfying amount of time."
"Eternal." Â
---------
"The family needs their true child. Hoping to continue their ruling, their eyes remain crestfallen."
--------
"How would you call that?"
"The king and queen are waiting. Their hair snow white, their bodies weak and pale. They are waiting for him to come back."
------
"He, as the lost prince is still searching the depths of the world. Sometimes, he weeps by the riverbank. Sometimes, he walks by the park, collecting flowers that he plans to arrange on his funeral."
------
"Up until now, he is going through friendships that he knows the other one would neglect."
---------
"today is fine. still the same, and don't expect it to change."
"if that is what it is. but mother, are we still looking for our escape?" Â
---------"Trying to be happy alone."
 "mother, how is it today"
-Q. clubs
--------
"the colors remain whole, still untouched.
someday, make them detached
will you, queen's touch?"
--------
"farewell, house of cards. i'll miss the cups of coffee, and the endless stories
souls fly away, regretting each mistake
the creator has fallen, now everything is in chaos
what is happening? the remains of the house caught the sight of the swans
nemesis have attacked, the house is surrendering in defeat
the children are in danger, where are the guests?
protect the house of cards, keep the household safe and sound.
Deleted Wattpad post under the pseudonym: goldiiblox
Trigger Warnings: Blood, Verbal and Physical Abuse, Derogatory language, Mentions of suicide, panic attacks/manic episodes, death, depression
Synopsis: No synopsis available.
Chapter 1 - Ano? (December 7, 2017)
Sunday
"Wala ka ng masabi!? Ha? Ano? Papalag ka pa?!"
Naitulak niya ako ng malakas sa pader at naramdaman ko ang pagsuka ng dugo.
Pano pa ba ako papalag sa ganito? Tanga mo rin eh. Pero ang sakit mong mangbugbog.
Sinakal niya ako sa leeg at naramdaman niya ang malamig kong pawis at binitawan niya ako ng malakas.
"Aw."
Yet you wanted fancy beginnings called prolouges and unwanted sequels to an already finished book called epilogues.
I wish this isn't how it's gonna end. But I'm hidden behind a big, green trashed can.
----------------------------------
Monday
May pasok pa bukas. Hindi na lang ako papasok, wala namang kwentang mag-aral kung lagi ka lang namang napagagalitan.
"Ano na naman 'yan? Mukha ka na namang trapo, lintek kang bata ka! Trese ka pa lang yang inabot mo pang bente na? Saan ka na naman ba nagsusuksok, ha?"
Malamang nakita niya na akong ang bagal na naglalakad sa may gate kanina.
"Aray! Ate naman ano ba?!"
"Puta 'to."
"Hoy Chloe, ayusin mo ang sarili mo. Nasobrahan ka na sa Tekken."
"Ate hindi naman ako naglalaro ng Tekken, single pa ako."
"Hindi nakakatawa."
"Pangit mo."
"Bahala ka nga diyan! Linisin mo sugat mo ng mag-isa!"
Tapos naman na eh, nanghamon pa.
Oo nga pala, magpo-post pa ako.
Pero inaantok pa ako. Kakatok pa sana ako para kunin yung isang canvas sa kwarto ni ate kaso wag na, ginalit ko eh.
Binuksan ko na lang yung groupchat ng Grade 7 at tiningnan yung mga mensaheng nagdaan.
Seen by Chloe Valdemoro at 00:00
Again, O.P. na naman ako. Ang sakit ng konti.
----------------------------------------
Tuesday
Mga tatlong oras na rin akong nakikipagsapalaran sa harap ng computer kakadrawing.
hey me, sleep dearly.
Papasok na siguro ako mamaya
Time check: 17:21
....oops...?
Lumabas si ate Nat sa CR ng bihis na bihis.
"Ate, saan lakad?"
"Magdrawing ka na nga lang. Alam mo naman na, eh"
"Wow ate, isang buwan na rin."
"Na ano? Tulog kain, tulog kain?"
Ngumiti siya sa akin at pinuri yung lalakeng anime na dinodrawing ko.
"Bakla, tirahan mo ako nung noodles, homemade natin yan."
"Oo, grabe naman tingin mo sa bunganga ko."
Tumingala ako sa family picture namin nung buhay pa sila.
......ang ganda naman nung mga ngiti nila.
Oh. A tear.
Oh. Another one?
Ang sakit mawalan ng magulang, lalo na kung mahal ka nila ng sobra at hindi ka tinuring iba. Ang hirap mag-move on sa ganitong klaseng sakit.
And then I realized that I stopped drawing. Ang daya. Bakit kailangan nilang mawala?
Si ate, tanggap niya agad. Parang wala silang pinagsamahan, parang walang alaala ang ginawa, pero hindi ko namang pwedeng isipin na totoo yun, kasi ang layo na ng narating ng pamilya namin.
Oo nga, ang layo. Sa sobrang layo hindi namin alam na nakarating na kami sa dulo.
May shift pa si ate mamayang 9 tapos hanggang 3 A.M. siyang magtatrabaho sa Call Center. Tapos yung pagbabanda niya magtatagal ng mga isa pang oras.
Isang buwan.
Nagbibilang kami ng mga araw noon. Pakiramdam namin na bigay na kami. Nakakapagod kasing magisip na andyan pa sila. Nakakabaliw rin minsan, pero pilit namin itong iniiwasan.
Tapos nagsisimula pa ako ng gulo, naghahanap ng away kung kani-kanino. Kung saan-saan napapapadpad.
Since summer, nalaman ko na pwede pala magbenta ng mga painting, drawing- just art basically tapos ginawa ko na yung puhunan yung kakayahan ko sa drawing para makatulong kay ate.
Wala eh, kailangan ko ring kalimutan ang sakit, wala rin mamang yung maidudulot na mabuti sa amin. I needed distractions. I need to get away with this fear inside me, na hindi ko ito kaya at wala akong magagawang iba kundi iyakan ang lahat. Ayoko mg makinig sa mga dahilang 'Bata pa ako at kailangang kong ayusin ang pag-aaral' kasi
Paano ko mahahasa ang talento ko kung igugugol ko ang halos 12 na taong pinagaaralan ang mga bagay na hindi ko gusto? Di'ba parang ang tanga lang. Importante nga, pero ang mahal naman ng bayad kapalit.
Paano ko hahanapin ang 'passion' ko sa isang paaralan na itinuturo ang mga bagay na hindi ko namang masyadong kailangan? Ang daming bagay na pwedeng ituro ng maayos pero ang nakukuha ko lang naman puro galit mula sa aking mga guro.
Mali ang pagtingin ko sa edukasyon, pero ang dami rin kasing dahilan. Mga dahilan na malapit na sa katotohanan na ayaw nilang paniwalaan; at patuloy na ginigiit ang 'epektibo' nilang mga kasinungalingan.
Para akong batang kalye sa umaga tapos artist sa gabi. Ang weird ko.
"Shit, 'di pantay yung sleeves niya."
---------------------------------------
Monday
"Pumasok ka."
"Ate, ayoko nga eh."
"Tanga! Hindi mo ba alam isang buwan na yang bakasyon mo? Ay nako Chloe simulan mo ng magpakatino-tino kung hindi, walang sneak in sa bar."
"Ano?! Wow ate napahamak na nga sila mama at papa tapos ipapahamak mo pa tayong dalawa? Talino mo."
"Lunes na, hoy. Magparadam ka naman sa mga kaklase mo. Kung hindi lang dahil diyan sa commission mong 'yan nako, ang kulot mong buhok marerebond yan kapag hindi ka pumasok at nag-DOTA sa tabi tabi."
Bumuhat ako at naglakad papuntang kusina ng nakabaluktot.
"As if naman na hindi mo rin yun ginagawa sakin? Kumain ka na nga."
-----
Lumabas na ako ng bahay, halata pa rin yung pasa ko sa may pisngi.
Inagrabyado eh.
Naalala ko yung itsura nung nangbugbog sa akin.
Naabot ko pa yung flag ceremony, ayan tuloy pati yung ibang grade pinagtitinginan ako.
"Ayan na si Chloe, may himala! Magpamisa na tayo guys."
Dati kasi may kasama rin ako nung kaklase ko na nagco-computer shop dun sa may tabi ng isang karinderya malapit sa palengke dati, siguro hanggang ngayon.
Yun na lang nga rason ko.
"Uy, isang buwan? Hahahaha"
Pagdating namin sa classroom nagtaka sila kung anong nangyari sa may pisngi ko at bakit daw may pasa.
Pagtawa ko.
Welcome back, Chloe? Haha.
----
And since malayo layo ang bahay namin, kailangan ko pang mag-abang ng bus. Haha. Diba dapat tricycle lang? Diba dapat jeep na lang? Or train? No. Malayo nga diba? Tsaka ok lang naman ang mga bus stop, may upuan. Tsaka magdadrop naman na ako sa Grade 8.
Nang makasakay ako ng bus may tumabi sa aking matandang lalaki, bigla akong nagoosebumps sa presence niya, buti na lang hindi ako sa may bintana nakaupo.
Mga 10 minutes after, biglang umulan ng malakas. Shit, yung payong naiwan ko sa may bintana nung kwarto ko.
"Ineng? Tulala ka na ata? Diba pumapara ka na?"
Tikwil sa akin nung matanda.
"Ah! S-sorry po"
"Andito na po ako."
Humiga lang ako tapos bigla na namang umulan. Napabuntong hininga ako kasi nagagawa pa rin akong mahalin ni ate kahit ilang beses na akong gumawa ng kasalanan.
"Haaaaayy."
Pumikit ako ng saglit hanggang sa makatulog na ako.
"Mama! Papa!"
Pero walang sumagot. Walang reply.
"No signal?"
At sinundan ng putok ng baril.
"MAMA?!"
Napaatras na lang ako sa nakita ko at natakot. Nalungkot. Nagalit. Ewan.
Nakakapoot. Hindi na ata ako makahinga, ang bigat na ng puso ko.
Umiyak lang ako ng umiyak. Hanggang sa dumating si ate at humingi agad ng tulong. Ang tulong na dumating sa huli, kung kailan na sila patay.
Kumakain ako sa canteen kasama yung mga kaklase kong babae, na sinasabing namiss daw ako ng buong section namin. Hindi naman ako masyadong na-flatter. Yung mga teacher 'di naman nagbago pagtrato sa akin.
"Miss ka namin Chloe, swear."
"Namiss namin si popcorn!"
Kasi lagi akong nagbabaon ng popcorn. Tapos ang corny ko magpatawa.
"Oo nga! Tsaka lagi ka bagang nachat sa gc natin? Anong nangyari? UD naman nga diyaaan."
Narinig ko yung mga dinadaldal ng mga kaklase ko sa akin. Oo nga, ang daldal ko. Dati. Nakakainis yun eh. Ngayon wala akong ganang makipagusap, ewan ko kung bakit. Ayoko lang siguro?
Tumayo ako at umalis na ng klase. Ang sarap magcutting.
---
Nakauwi na ako. Kinuha ko yung maliit na shaving blade at naglaslas sa may hita ko. Pumikit ako habang itinatatak sa balat ko ang sugat na puno ng lungkot at pagdurusa. Hindi ko na kaya ang lahat. Ang paligid. Nahiga na lang ako at tinigilan ang paglaslas. Ang bilis nung nangyari.
Umiiyak akong tumingin ako sa labas. At pagtingin ko ay umuulan.
"Parang kagat lang ng langgam" sabi nung nurse habang kukuhaan niya ako ng dugo.
Unang beses ko lang ito gawin at naalala ko pa yung mga panahon na pinangako ko sa sarili ko na "Ayokong saktan ang sarili ko". Pero hindi eh.
Wala na akong gana.
Chapter 2 - Bakit (December 9, 2017)
"Ate, ano na?"
Tumigil ako sa pagkain ng hapunan at tumingin kay Ate Nat, na pinagtutuunan ng pansin ang linuto niyang sinigang. Tiningnan niya ako at bumakas ang pag-aalala sa kanyang mukha. Alam niya at kita ko ang lungkot sa kanyang mga mata.Â
"Pumasok ka, Chloe. Kailangan mong makapagtapos ng high school, kailangan mo 'yan. Hindi matutuloy ang pag-drop mo next year. Tsaka aalis tayo dito at lilipat ng tirahan malapit sa siyudad. Alam kong nahihirapan ka na-"
"Chloe, punasan mo luha mo. Ang drama mo."
Ginawa ko na lang ito at nagpatuloy sa pagkain nung tilapia sa plato. Bakit kaya hindi ko malasahan?
-------------------------
Titigilan ko na ito. Ayokong lumala, kasi mas mahirap silang pakawalan. I don't want constant disturbance resonating in the silence. Ang hirap. Parang isang ink blot sa pinakalikod na pahina ng kwaderno tapos ang lalim nung absorption. Sa harap, akala mo ang liit, pero habang binubuklat mo ang mga malilinis na pahina, palaki ito ng palaki.
I never expected it to happen, it feels like when I paint. But they were spontaneously evil.
Why do I create art? I want to know how it feels like to be alive. I create art because it's my own way to revive. It's the cable to my charger, and now it's disconnected.Â
Paano ko ba naman kasi ititigil ang lahat ng ito? Nasaan ang mga kaibigan ko? Nawawala na ba sila? O sadyang, hindi nila akong tinuring kaibigan pabalik? Gabi na naman, isa na namang magandang bahagi ng kawalan. Hindi nakakasilaw, kahit maliwanag ang buwan at kasama ang mga tala.
Ganyan pala ka-dominante ang dilim, na kahit anong klase ng ilaw ang nakabukas, makikita mo pa rin sila.
Pumikit ako at ihinanda ang sarili ko sa susunod na namang bukas. These weekends are mocking me, celebrating my funeral.
------------
I have a liking for Wednesdays.Â
Of course, meron na namang social interactions.Â
"Hindi ko lang kasi maintindihan kung bakit ora-orada nilang kailangan! Talagang mamadaliin nila yung pagpasa ng mga project tapos magagalit kapag late?"
"Oo nga eh, tapos hindi man lang nila isipin na hindi lang sila 'yung subject na meron tayo. Yung feeling na kailangan mo silang i-prioritize kesa sa mga major subjects natin."
Ingay ng klase. Palibhasa hindi pa time, tapos wala pa yung mga teachers. Naiisip ko na kailangan ko ring gawin 'yun, kung gusto kong umayos ang mga grades ko. Wala naman silang alam. Galing kasi naming magtago.
"Kailangan mo 'yan ."Â
"Chloe, punasan mo luha mo. Ang drama mo." Â
"Kailangan mo 'yan ."
"Chloe, punasan mo luha mo. Ang drama mo."
"Kailangan mo 'yan ."
"Chloe, punasan mo luha mo. Ang drama mo."Â Â
Halos buong umagang nagreplay sa utak ko yung sinasabi ni ate kagabi. Parang sasabog na ulo ko sa sakit. Pati ba naman 'yan.
Kaya ito ako ngayon, naghihingalo sa isang gilid sa mga corridor. Hinahanap yung contest room sa isang Painting Contest na pinag-awayan namin kanina nung teacher ko tapos sa huli, ako lang naman yung napa-oo.
Paano ba naman kasi, may hayop sa classroom ang nagsabing
"Tangina, um-oo ka na nga lang! Pa-importante 'to, wala na tayong oras!"Â
"Omg! Ikaw 'yung Grade 7 contestant diba?"
"Opo ate! Hinahanap po kita eh!"
Ayun na nga, dumating kami sa taas na mukha akong binagyuhang hawak hawak ang natitirang piraso ng yero sa bahay namin. Good job, masonite board.
"OMG sorry ulit!"
Pero ang cute eh, sobra. Bawat contestant merong parang isang maliit na stall, yung parang sa mga book signing kaso may malaking umbrella lang tapos yung background namin isang cafe o kaya naman checkered black and white. Yung mga upuan parang pinalaking study table ng mga bata tapos Sentimental Circus yung background. Tapos uupo kami dun na parang naghihintay kung sinumang magpapa-autograph. Haha. Isipin mong nagbebreakdown ka lang ngayon tapos tumaas ka sa rooftop, tapos makikita mo yung mga pina-paint namin kasabay ng preskong simoy ng hangin. Ewan ko kung gagaan loob mo o hindi.
Sabi daw magsisimula na. Hanggang ngayon nakatunganga pa rin kami. Naghihintay ng 'go' signal.
Maya-maya ay may isang lalaking nagsalita. Tapos parang ang uneasy niya sa presence naming lahat. Inayos niya muna ang buhok niya at pinipilit ang sariling 'wag na bumuntong hininga.
Di ko ba alam, paano ba 'yun? Kanina kasi parang every 2 minutes nagbubuntong hininga siya.
"Okay. Ehem ehem-"
Panimula niya at hinawakan ang papel na nakapaloob ang kailangan naming sundin, tapos inangat niya yung tingin samin, na hinihintay ang kanyang sasabihin.
He hopefully smiled, tila ba nawala ang kanyang nerbyos. Itinaas ko naman ang kamay ko at nagtanong
Ngumiti siya sa akin, na parang na-miss niyang tingnan ang mukha ko kasi importante ako sa kanya. Pero OA 'yun kaya, simple smile lang.Â
"A-ako yung nagsabi, tutal hindi naman masyadong mainit dito. Gusto ko kasi sanang magpaint kayo malapit sa ulap."
Tumango na lang ako at nagsimulang magpinta sa masonite board.
Sa ulap. "One endless canvas."
"Never stop painting;"
Pumikit ako at tiningnan ang kaharian ko. Parang isang panaginip. A lucid dream. Pero naglalagas ang mga lantang dahon mula sa mga puno.
Ang dilim ng itsura nung painting. Kailangan nito ng ilaw. Kaya linagyan ko ang madilim na kalangitan ng mga fireworks at para bang lalakarin mo ito hanggang sa makarating ka sa isang amusement park. Iginuhit ko ito sa nakikitang kalayuan. Okay na, bulong ko sa sarili ko habang napangiti
Ipininta ko na lamang ang sarili ko. Ito ang alaalang ayokong kalimutan at paulit-ulit kong binabalikan. Naglalakad ako sa gitna ng taglagas, at nasa dulo nito ay ang tagsibol, at ito ay aking walang pagod na hinahabol.
Dahil gusto ko pang mabuhay ng maayos. Ayokong lumala.
Chapter 3 - Pangyayari (December 12, 2017)
Saturday
Wala si ate, namamalengke. Nakuha niya pa lang kasi 'yung sweldo niya ngayong araw tsaka mamayang hapon nagbabalak na isama ako para maghanap ng matitirhang apartment sa siyudad. Isabay ko na lang daw na ibigay dun sa pag-deliver ko ng painting mamaya.
Napabuntong hininga ako at blangkong tumingin sa harap ng computer ko.
Ang tahimik. 'Di ako sanay.
"Ano ba 'to?!"
Pero wala, dapat nagpa-paint ako ngayon. 'Yung ide-deliver kong painting naghihintay na lang ibigay. Tsaka nagrequest pa 'yung customer ng isa pang painting, nagandahan daw kasi siya sa binili niya nang sobra, kaya ayun, isa pa.
Kung hindi talaga dahil kay ate, hindi pa rin ako makakabenta ng mga painting ko ngayon. Dami kasing kakilala nung babaeng 'yun.
Punyeta. Wala akong maisip. Binuksan ko na lang ang cellphone ko at nagscroll sa mga messages ng group chat. Himala kasi ang tahimik. Si Francie lang yung online tapos kung ano-ano sinesend.
Feeding Freanzcie: Chloe, long time no chat? HAHAHAHA
Chloe: Oo nga eh di naman ako laging online sa fb lol
Feeding Freanzcie: Â ikr anong ginagawa mo ngayon?
Chloe: Chinachat ka?đđ
Feeding Freanzcie: ĺ¸ŕ˛ çಠ)ĺ¸
Feeding Freanzcie: á(ââ¸âźâś)á
Feeding Freanzcie: (ăಠâŠŕ˛ )ă彥( o°o)
Chloe: aray ko ((((*･_･)_
Feeding Freanzcie: Seryoso nga, anong ginagawa mo maliban sa pakikipagchat ditoes? âŠ(ď˝ăťĎăť')âŠ
Chloe: wala naman, nakaupo. humihinga. nagiisip ng pwedeng i-drowing
Feeding Freanzcie: i-i rip artblock ĆŞĆŞ'âż')
Chloe: lol bigay ka nga ng ideas
Chloe: bago bagang emoji yung i-i lololololol
Feeding Freanzcie: ay syempre^^
Feeding Freanzcie: teka
Feeding Freanzcie: Alam mo 'yung Eidetic Imagery?
Chloe: di bakit?
Feeding Freanzcie: Nabasa ko lang eh, sabi daw isa daw sleeping disorder na parang isang sintomas daw ang insomnia tapos 'yung pasyente daw may mga imaginary creatures na kausap sa gabi. Tapos may nabasa akong isang bata na nagkaroon daw nun tapos 24/7 wala siyang tulog. Sa gabi daw, pagod yung mga magulang niya kasi siya gising na gising tapos parang may kinakausap siya.
Chloe: wow.
Feeding Freanzcie: binigyan daw siya ng therapy ata yun? tapos nung una akala nung mga psychologists wala nang lunas
Feeding Freanzcie: oy alam mo, try mo kayang magdrawing tungkol doon hehexcz
seen by Chloe Valdemoro at 9:17 A.M.
Alam niyo yung tipong 'eid' pa lang natatype ko sa computer lumabas agad 'yung eidetic imagery. Pero iba naman 'yung mga nakikita kong meanings, ang nakalagay parang isang term siya para sa photographic memory. Alam niyo 'yun? 'Yung para kayong may superpowers kasi parang naaalala mo yung mga nakikita mo, parang si Cam Jansen, 'yung 12 years old na fictional character na detective. Binabasa ko dati 'yung mga series ng libro niya sa library namin, nung mga July andun pa 'yun pero nung last library period namin wala na. Hindi ko nga alam kung ano ang dahilan at bakit nila 'yun inalis, eh.
Nagsimula na akong magpaint dun sa tirang masonite board. Pinulido ko muna ang mga sides at edges nito at nagsimulang magpinta. Ayun, tumahimik ako ulit. Tahimik akong nakikinig sa bulong ng aking imahinasyon, sinusundan ko ang kanyang magic carpet at hindi ako nagsasawang pagmasdan ang kabuuan ng aking kaharian. Syempre nasa isip ko lang 'yun pero kahit na, hindi ko alam kung saan na naman ako lulugar kapag nawala sila. Nasa isip ko na nga lang sila tapos pakakawalan at kakalimutan ko pa. May mga bagay kasing hindi madaling ibaon sa limot. Kagaya ng pagkamatay nila mama at papa dahil sa murder.
Nahanap na 'yung pumatay. Naikulong na nga eh. Sana manatili na siya doon, walang hiya siya. He is a freaking psychopath. Ang sarap din niyang patayin pabalik. Ang sarap niyang i-hostage at pahirapan, ubusan siya ng dugo habang nakikita niya ito. Ang sarap niyang pahirapan. Pero letse naman kasi, I personally think those nineteen years are not enough. He has to die first before that jail hourglass ends.
Okay so nakapaint ako ng first layer ng camera. Actually hindi siya camera. Malayo siyang magiging camera. Isa siyang halimaw. Katulad nung mga nakakatakot na mukhang nakaguhit sa kulay itim na pintura tapos in chaos silang masyado tapos yung kamay niya parang 'yung sa puppeteer. Puppets. Sentimental Circus. Ipininta ko sa likod si Shappo at siya ay lumuluha ng itim, nasa kaliwang gilid niya si Mouton, at sa kanan si Kuro. Inilagay ko na ang ibang mga laruan sa Sentimental Circus sa taas na bahagi ng board. Sa baba ng halimaw ay sinimulan ko nang ipinta ang makukulay na sinulid na nakatali sa isang lalaking walang mukha. Ang lalaki namang iyon ay napahawak sa ulo ang kanyang dalawang kamay; na para bang naiirita na siya at napapagod na. At nasa harap niya, ay dalawa pang kamay ng ibang tao, hawak hawak ang isang camera at rinerecord siya. Mga magta-tatlong oras akong nangawit sa paghawak ng toothbrush este---paintbrush habang pinipinta ang isang obrang may madilim na mensahe. Napaisip na din ako kung bakit sinama ko ang Sentimental Circus? Napangiti na lang ako ng mapait. Naalala ko na naman kasi 'yung araw na halos bilhin ko na ang lahat ng gamit dun sa shop na 'yun, tapos nagkaingay nang dahil sa pag-aaway naming apat nila mama at papa.
---------!
Who are you Chloe?
Who were you before?
What have you done to change massively in an instant?
Nasaan ka na, Chloe?
Akala mo tapos na, Chloe? Akala mo ang ganda niyan? Sa tingin mo ba mabibili 'yan?
Ang pangit, Chloe. Bakit may itim? May mamamatay?
Ang pangit, Chloe. Hindi 'yan maganda. Itapon mo na.
Ang pangit, Chloe. Hindi 'yan maganda. Itapon mo na. Â
Oh no. They're back.
Ano na Chloe? Ituloy mo lang 'yang ginagawa mo sa sarili mo. Saktan mo pa ang sarili mo.
Pakiramdam ko may malamig na hanging pumapalibot sa akin at ako lang ang naninindig ang balahibo dahil dito, na parang may lumulunod sa akin dahil ang sikip na ng paghinga ko. Pakiramdam ko napapagod ako at nahihilo. Parang kinakain ako ng hangin nang buhay, hanggang sa wala na akong maramdaman. Hindi ko alam kung naku-kontrol ko pa ba ang sarili ko o hindi.
Chloe, lingon ka sa kanan, nakikita mo ba ang kutsilyo? Wala ka namang kwenta di'ba?
Pasanin lang ako. Chloe, pasanin ka lang sa likod ng ate mo.
Kung wala ka, natuloy na ang pangarap niyang sumikat. Di'ba ang sakit na kailangang isakripisyo mo ang lahat para sa isang taong mahal mo?
Sayang naman, Chloe. Wala kang kwentang ipaglaban. Humagulgol ka lang kesa habulin mo 'yung pumatay sa mga magulang niyo.
Hindi na natulog at nagpatuloy sa pagdrama!
Kaya mo ba ito?! Natitiis mo ba ang lahat?
Ang galing mo Chloe, kung hindi dahil sa'yo hindi mangyayari ang lahat ng iyon.
Buhay pa sana sila.
NAIINTINDIHAN MO CHLOE?! BUHAY PA SANA SILA!
!--------
"TAMA NA! PAKIUSAP TUMIGIL KA NA!"
 Naisigaw ko sa kawalan. Â
"Tama na...please naman.....please.."
Halos hindi ko na marinig ang boses kong nagsalita. Nanginginig ang buong katawan ko at bigla akong napaupo. Kumapit ako sa mesa upang tulungan ang sarili ko ngunit natabig ko ang baso ng tubig na kinuha ko kanina. Nawalan na ba ako ng buto? Hanggang ngayon hinahabol ko pa ring makuha ang normal kong paghinga at patuloy sa pagpunas ng aking mga luha.
Dahan-dahan akong naglakad papuntang sala para tingnan kung andyan na si ate habang pinagpapawisan ng malamig.
Naiinis ako. Naguguluhan ako. Natatakot ako. Paano ba naman kasing bigla na lang akong naging ganito? Sana may makasagot na sa tanong ko. Gusto ko nang manahimik.
Manahimik.
"Chloe, lingon ka sa kanan, nakikita mo ba ang kutsilyo? Wala ka namang kwenta di'ba? "
"A-ate, tu-tulangan na kita."
"HAaaayyyy."
Naglakad papunta sa kusina si ate at nakita ang mga kalat at yung isang basag na baso.
"Chloe?"
Tila ba nanginig ang mga labi ko at humagulgol akong muli. Kasabay na naman ng pagbuhos ng ulan. Lumalakas ito ng lumalakas hanggang sa hindi ko na narinig ang ingay na galing sa aking bibig, pati na rin ang paulit-ulit na pagpatahan sa akin ng ate ko.
Linilinis namin ngayon ang bahay dahil may pupuntahan pa akong delivery mamaya. Pinilit kong ngumiti at sabihin kong "Okay na. Te, wag ka nang mag-alala."
----------
Tanong niya at tumango naman kami.
"Ang gaganda naman nito mga hija. Sino ang nagpinta?"
Curious niyang anong at tinaas ko ang kamay ko. Napatitig siya sa akin ng matagal tagal ng may blangkong ekspresyon sa kanyang mukha. Pagkatapos ay umiling siya at kinuha ang isang kahon na nakahugis na parang treasure chest.
"Salamat po!"
Umakbay sa akin si ate habang naglalakad kami sa kalsada. Nakatingin lang ako sa baba. Ayoko. Pagod na ako. Â
Alam kong hindi na rin ako maintindihan ni ate. May mga pagkakataong umiinit ang ulo niya bigla dahil sa akin, pero isinasantabi niya iyon dahil naiintindihan niya ako. At least ang sitwasyon ko.
Kanina ang saya kong gumising, kagaya ng sikat ng araw tuwing ala-sais pa lang. Ngayon naman ay bumabalik sila, ayaw nila akong tigilan.
Pero bumuhos na namang muli ang ulan.
Chapter 4 - Sa Apartment (December 15, 2017)
Okay na ulit ako. Salamat, Lord. Kahit ngayong araw lang, gusto kong tumulong. Gusto kong kalimutan ang nangyari kahapon. Sana, magpahinga naman sila. Kung hindi pa sila aalis, magpahinga man lang sila.
"Bakla, pagkasimba bibili muna tayo ng siomai kila Lola Puring tapos yung grande na Zagu sa mall. Oks na?"
Mabilis na sinaad ni ate. Akala mo naman parang isang businesswoman samantalang naka-shorts ngang pumunta sa simbahan.
"Eh ate 'di ba pwedeng isang lugar na lang? Kung sa mall bibili ng Zagu edi sa mall na din 'yung siomai!"
"O sige dun tayo kakain kila Lola Puring."
Tumingin siya sakin ng saglit, na para bang walang nangyari kahapon sa akin. Tsaka kinaladkad na ako papunta sa kanila Lola. Si Lola Puring, lola siya nung bestfriend ni Ate Nat na nag-aaral sa abroad ngayon. Dati kasi, nagkaroon sila ng isang banda sa school nila tapos doon na sila nagkakila-kilala ng squad niya. Nanggaling 'yun sa music club na sinalihan nila dati tapos nagkawatak watak kasi sabi niya wala namang kwentang sumali 'dun, di niya alam na may mabubuo na palang banda doon na sisikat at magsusulat ng kanta para sa lahat.
Natupad naman 'yun. Nagkaroon sila ng exposure kasi nakapagplay sila sa isang variety show at gusto talaga ng mga manononood ang mga kinakanta nila. Pero simula nung trahedyang iyon, pati sila nagkawatak-watak at naglaho ng parang bula. History repeated itself? Ganun lang?
Masaklap kasi si Ate Nat ang leader nila. Kung wala siya, wala ang "Paris". Oo, pangalan ng banda nila. Akala ko acronym 'yun ng kung ano pero wala naman daw 'yung mas malalim na kahulugan. Kaya Paris ang pangalan ng banda nila kasi nung mga Foundation Week nung Grade 9 sila may parang mini gig ang bawat banda sa bawat grade level tapos 'yung isang member nila patagong nagpafire-works. Dapat daw ang papaputukin niya 'yung parang makakabuo ng star pero may milagro kasing nangyari kung bakit parang naging hugis ng Eiffel Tower 'yung shape nung fireworks.
"Kloya, ok ka lang? Na-swimming na naman siguro ito."
"Dingdong, wag ka nga diyan. Naalala ko lang kasi yung kwento mo sakin. Binabasa ko ulit sa kanila."
"Dingdong? Wow, kailan naging Dingdong ang Nat---oo nga. Edi wow. Henyo."
"Natasha, hija!"
"La, namiss ka na po namin! Pwede po utang muna....ulit?"
"Naku! Walang katapusang utang 'yan Natasha, malulugi na naman ang tindahan ni Puring."
"Si lola, parang bata magsalita. Millenial na po kayo?"
"Hayaan niyo na, libre naman lagi kain niyo dito."
Grabe, halos isang buwan lang naman kami nawala. Akala ko ang ikli lang nun, pero ang dami pa ring nangyari.
"Namiss ko 'to ate."
"Ikr."
"Ah, ate magbabayad na po kami, eto po 'yung bill."
-----------------
Punyeta ang init. Nakalimutan pa naming magdala ng payong.
"HOOOOOOHHH"
"Ate, kanina pa 'yang walang laman. Tsaka pinagtitinginan ka ng mga tao, huy."
"Ay pake nila? Naghihirap tayo dito, okay? Hanggang ngayon wala pa rin tayong mahanap na paupahan na maayos."
Natanaw ko sa di kalayuan ang paaralan ko ngayon. Nasa sentro kami ng bayan, andito na lahat ng sibilisasyon, lahat ng pangangailangan halos dito mo na matatagpuan. Kaso, maingay tsaka magulo. May iba ding bahaging madilim at delikadong daanan kapag gabi na. May mga eskinitang 100% sure na sure ang PCSO na may mangyayaring milagro. Pero may bahagi ding tahimik. 'Yung mga subdivision. Kaso saan naman ang pag-asa naming may apartment dun.
Pero teka. Pwede rin eh. May malapit na subdivision dito. Mga 20 minutes lang ata ang oras sakay sa tricycle.
"Ate, sa mga subdivision? May mga bahay ba diyang parang wala ng nakatira tapos pwedeng paupahan?"
"Ewan ko, Kloya. Pero alam mo kapag meron, kakain ako ng maanghang na noodles. 'Yung nakatago sa aparador mong hayop ka ha, may nalalaman ka pa diyang 'Spicy Noodle Challenge' eh halos iluwa mo na 'yung noodles."
"Naawa kasi ako ate, kalahi ko 'yun tapos kakainin ko lang? Duh?"
Tumigil kami sa daanan papasok. Eh halos straight lang 'yung daanan tapos ang lawak pa. Ang daming mga bahay.
"May alam po ba kayong pwedeng paupahan dito?"
At ang famous lines?
"Wala."
"Ay hindi ko po alam, bago lang po kasi kami dito. "
"Tanong kayo sa kabilang bahay."
Halos malapit ng makasapak ng tao si ate tuwing isasarado nila ang mga pinto. Ayaw niya daw ng atmosphere dito. Ang gloomy.
"Ate, titira lang tayo dito. Hindi magpapaka-role model para sumaya sila. Tsaka ate, may buhay sila. Wala pa tayong alam kaya, halika na."
"'Wag muna mag-give up. O sige, Kloya, tara na!"
-----------------
"4.6k ang renta dito monthly, kasama na 'yung sa tubig niyo, at kung magkasya bayad niyo, isasali na namin na ibayad ang sa kuryente. Tutal dalawa lang naman kayo. Kung gusto niyo mag-advance na kayo ng dalawang buwan para wala na muna kayong problemahin."
Halos maka-ilan na kaming "Thank You, Lord" sa mga isip namin ngayon.
"Ah, sige po ma'am. Bukas na po kaming magsisimulang maglipat. Maraming salamat po talaga, hulog kayo ng langit."
Napangiti na lang ang landlady kasi parang naawa na din siya sa itsura namin pero, dinedma niya lang eh.
"Sasabihin ko naman sa inyo kung nabayaran ko na 'yung mga bill. O sige na, uwi na muna kayo. Kung hindi kayo makalipat bukas, pwedeng sa Miyerkules na lang. I-do-double check ang status ng bahay."
"Salamat po!"
---------------------------
"Hala syet! Hoy Kloya! GISING NAAAA!"
"ATE KANINA PA HOY MAG SI-SIX THIRTY NA MAGLUTO KA NA NG ULAM!"
Late na naman tuloy ako.
Chapter 5 - Holiday (Unfinished; January 12, 2018)
"Cruz may naghahanap sayo!"
Nakasanayan niyang bumanggit ng bawat salitang may bahid ng glait sa kanyang boses. Titigan mo siya sa kanyang mga mata at mukhang papatayin ka na niya.
Linakad niya ang silid at tiningnan ang ibang presong kausap ang ibang tao. Dahil hindi niya ito kilala, at hindi siya nito kilala.
"Paano mo nasasabi 'yan? Wala kang alam. Ibinigay mo na sakin ang parusa ko, diba dapat ako ang magtatanong kung masaya ka na?"
Natigilan ang lalaki sa sinabi ng bilanggo at inayos ang kanyang salamin.
Sunday
Sumapit ang gabi at naghintay ang lahat sa pagdating ng unang oras ng pasko. Naghanda ang lahat, pati ang bahay nila Natasha at Chloe.
Deleted wattpad post under the pseudonym: goldiiblox
Date of final revision: April 18, 2019
Language: English
Genre: Sci-fi
Synopsis:
This is a story of how another season began, but ended without finishing the cycle.
Author's Note: This is a one-shot story. No, there won't be any more chapters. I'm sorry. I do hope that you will enjoy reading. Please do not plagiarize. This isn't the best work of writing, but this is my work, and I hope you respect it. Thankyou.
The First Day of Spring
My eyes fluttered open and the sight of an early morning greeted me. The wind softly entered the open window and gently passed through me.
Spring. It is the first day of spring, yet for the busy world, it's another normal day. A lot hasn't really changed. People are still on their phones, admiring the picture perfect lives of other people. People are still sad, even in a season of warmth and new beginnings. It seems that no matter how the seasons warm up the environment, the hearts of the people are still cold. No matter how the flowers start to bloom bright, there's still no trace of happiness in their eyes. No matter how the sun shines, their souls are still dull, and they haven't found their ways to their passion. What had the world become?
In a time where illusions are brought to reality, isn't it confusing?
My sight changed. The rising sun was a hologram, and it slowly faded from my sight. The people are wearing a box that covered their eyes. There was no sign of nature; only computers, buildings and technology. Everyone walked like a zombie with a silly smile on their lips; each living on a world of their own.
There was a man wearing a business suit, he was shouting 'money!' and pretending like he has it already.
There was a woman sitting on couch and pretending to blow a candle.
There was another woman pretending to pose for a picture.
I held the box with my hands, as I felt the tears run from my eyes.
Spring... I wonder when will I experience the reality. This room is full of lies, illusions and people who believe in their own faked reality. This room is so empty, even if there are a lot of people inside.
I pushed through the crowd and found an exit door. My hands are trembling in fear.
Where does this door lead me?
Is it another place full of holograms?
Is it a place to fool me again?
Or is it the place where everything is finally real?
I opened the door and I found myself suddenly waking up. I found myself in a bedroom, I saw myself in a mirror.
Today is the first day of spring. Today is a day to remember how my family died. The flowers are blooming elegantly on a porcelain vase, and there are rays of warm light coming through a curtain. I touched my face, and I haven't felt the box on my eyes. I smiled to myself as I looked through my closet to find a sweater.
I changed clothes and fixed myself, to go for a short walk in the park.
But, as soon as I opened the door..
There wasn't anything existing. I turned back to see the apartment fading.
I was horrified, stuck in a blank, white room; with nothing but me in an over-sized hospital gown, and the VR Box that gave me my illusion of reality.
Because the present reality is that everything is gone, and the only thing that makes me remember the existence of Earth is through this box that covers my eyes.
March 21, 309057
Today is the first day of spring. The day when everything completely vanished, through a big collision of planet Earth with an asteroid. My name is Summer, but they gave me a number for my name. I am one of the survivors, and we are harbored in a spaceship. I don't know where I am, but there are people in space suits and helmets taking care of us. The experience have been extremely traumatic for the most. Perhaps that is why we have the VR boxes: to keep us sane.
I don't know what the future holds.
Will they find another home?
If I was just powerful enough to save our planet; like a superhero, perhaps everyone can have hope. Everyone will still have a chance.
But, I really don't know anymore. They're always keeping secrets from us. Why do they feel so superior? We're all humans in here.
Deleted wattpad post under the pseudonym: goldiiblox
Date of Final Revision: April 2, 2018
Languages used: English, Filipino
đŚ angelaâs note: I am not a religious person now, but I wrote this during a time where I was very confused of my own spirituality and beliefs. Nonetheless, the message of the story is still the same.
SYNOPSIS:
"They were strangers. All unfamiliar to each other. Until they stopped at Room 026 to rest."
One-shot story of people who saw light, walked to it and revived themselves from dying in the dark.
Trigger Warning: Contains violent scenes and strong language.
--------- â Â I Â â ---------
May ipinangako siya sa atin. Sinabi niyang tayo'y makakarating sa isang paraiso. Ito ay puno ng masaganang halaman, matabang lupain at dalisay na tubig na umaagos ng tahimik. Ito ay isang lugar kung saan sisikat ang araw na tila ba ngumingiti sa bawat sandaling nakikita niya ang ating mga matang gumigising.
Mag-isa ako sa kawalan. Naglalakad habang patuloy na nawawalan ng pag-asa sa tinatahak kong daan na tila ba walang hangganan.
Nasaan na ito? Bakit hindi ko mahanap? Pakiramdam ko ay linulunod lang ako sa mga pangakong hindi natutupad.
Isa akong tangang umaasa.
March 29, 2018
"O, bakit ka umiiyak? Hindi ba't gusto mo 'to? Wag mong sabihing ayaw mo na. Di'ba sanay ka naman sa ganito?"
Hindi kita kilala. Sino ka? Bakit ako nakikipagkita sa'yo? Ano ba talaga ang hinahanap ko?
Nagtanong siya habang naiirita sa biglang pagbuhos ng aking luha. Hindi ko maintindihan ang kanyang mga sinasabi, dahil tanging naririnig ko ang sarili kong mga hikbi.
Ayoko na.
"Ewan ko sayo! Palibhasa kasi ang kati mo, tapos pag dating ng panahon basta basta ka na lang iiyak ng walang dahilan?! Bahala ka nga diyan, nagsayang lang ako ng oras."
Isa kasi talaga akong putang inang babaeng walang hinanap na iba kundi ang piling ng lalaki.
Akala ko pagmamahal iyon. Akala ko sa bawat sandaling halikan niya ang parte ng aking katawan, at hawakan ito ay mahal niya ako.
Lalaki. Isang boses ng lalaking galit at iritado. Ang puso ko'y kumakabog ng walang hinto. Siya naman ay umalis na at namaalam sa marahas na pagsara ng pinto.
Akala ko totoo ang sinabi ng aking ama.
Too bad I got the shitty end of the stick.
Yinakap ko ang kumot at nanatiling mag-isa sa isang kwarto sa hotel.
Room 026
Nakahiga at nagmumukmok. Para akong isang laruan, diba? Yung tipong pinagsasawaan at itinuturing isang 'gamit'. Mga ilang oras din akong nanatili, dahil sinapak na ako ng napakalakas ng buhay.
Ilang oras na katahimikan. Ako at ang katahimikan. Nakakapanibago. Dahil kadalasan, maingay ang kwartong 'to. Kadalasan, kasayaw ko ang demonyo.
"Katahimikan, isa ka rin bang demonyo? Kung oo, pwede bang manatili ka na lamang na ganito? Nahihirapan na pala ako."
Ang dami kong kasalanan. Sa dami nun pakiramdam ko ang hirap na talagang hanapin ang kasiyahan.
Kung mapapangiti ako, siguradong makakaramdam pa rin ako ng pagsisisi.
Addictions are poisonous. They all are. So, in choosing when to be addicted be careful. Sometimes it's hard to heal and sometimes these poisons are too much for you to take.
Pagsisisi sa aking mga kasalanan.
Pagsisisi sa pagsira ng sarili kong buhay.
Sometimes, they can drive you crazy. Once you became a mindless soul, addictions have come to kill you.
It will be hard. You will barely escape.
Pagsisisi dahil binaboy ko ang pinakamagandang handog ng Diyos sa akin.
There is no paradise.
Isinara ko ang isang notebook kung saan ako nagsusulat. Inayos ko ang higaan at ang aking mga gamit.
Aalis na ako. Iiwan ko ang lahat ng alaalang mapait sa kwartong ito.
Muli akong sumilip sa bintana at pinagmasdan ang siyudad.
Ganun pa rin, maingay pa rin.
Parang isang hawlang nagkukulong ng sari saring masasamang tao. Kawawa naman ang mga anghel na nasusunog dito.
Luha. Umaagos ang luha sa aking mata. Sana, pag-alis ko dito...tumigil ka na.
Napatingin ako sa notebook sa mesa ng hotel room.
Marami din akong alaalang naisulat. Patawad, dahil hindi ko na kayang balikan ang mga ito.
Pinunasan ko ang mga luha at naglakad palabas. Patungo sa pinto.
Patungo sa pagbabago.
Mahirap, pero susubukan ko. Kahit hindi ko man mabura ang masasamang alaala, gagawa na lang ako ng mas maraming masasayang alaala. Malayo dito. Malayo sa mga halimaw na kinakain ako.
Kung may makakabasa man ng kwentong iyon, makikilala na lamang nila ako sa pangalang: Erika.
--------- â Â II Â â ---------
Naramdaman ko ang pagngiti niya ng mapait. Tila ba naramdaman niya ang nararamdaman ko ngayon, pero sinasabi niyang:
"Shit!"
"Okay lang. Magiging okay din ang lahat. Huwag kang bibitaw."
Gagong buhay! Bibitaw na ako! Sukong suko na ako sa punyetang buhay na ito! Ang dami kong problema putang ina!!
Sa pagsigaw ko ay bahagyang napalingon ang babaeng kakalabas lang kwarto.
Naglakad ang babae palayo. Nakasuot siya ng jeans at T-shirt na yellow. Ang kanyang buhok ay nakalugay at bagsak na bagsak hanggang sa kanyang tagiliran.
Hindi ko nakita ang kanyang mukha. Wala na akong balak pa. Pumasok ako sa loob ng hotel room.
Para magpalipas. Para magpahinga. Para na rin siguro wag nang bumalik pa.
Gago. Gago ang buhay. Bubugbugin ka, hahampasin, tatadyakan. Minsan, babasagan ka pa ng bote ng Red Horse sa ulo.
Paulit ulit kang sasaktan kasi puta, alam niyang gago ka rin pala. Ang mga tanginang taong walang ibang ginawa kundi magpakasaya ng todo hanggang sa nakalimutan na nilang hindi ito tatagal.
Sa sobrang saya, kumakapit na kaming mga gago sa demonyong tinatawag naming santo.
Ibinagsak ko ang gitara sa kama. Napaka-komportable sa pakiramdam ang lamig ng aircon.
From: Eveâ¤
Stop. Let's end this here, Adam. Pagod na ako.
To: Eveâ¤
Can we talk this over? I'm sorry.
From: Eveâ¤
Knocking on your hotel room now.
Sa sobrang lamig naiiyak na ako. Hindi naman dapat nagpapaiyak ang lamig. Pakiramdam ko andito ang lamig, nasa tabi ko lang. Pero bakit sa tuwing yinayakap ako nito ay nararamdan kong mag-isa ako?
"Eve..E-eve I'm sorry...I-"
Nawalan ako ng sasabihin. Man up! Putang ina nagmumukha kang lampa sa harap niya!
"Adam, I never wanted this to happen. I, we know that that 'us' is ruined. Adam, sorry. Alam kong gusto mo pa itong ipagpabukas pero Adam nasasaktan ako! Naaalala ko ang lahat, at nahihirapan akong tanggapin na hindi mo sinasadya. Hindi ko kayang tiisin ang lahat ng ito! Adam, pakiusap, pakawalan mo na ako."
Yinakap ko siya at sabay kaming umiyak. Sa harap ng kwartong ito ay nangyari ang huli naming pagkikita.
Humupa na ang malalakas na alon ng aming pag-iibigan.
Nang dahil sa pera, nag away kami at ako ay lumayo upang mag-inom ng alak. Â
Akala ko magkakaayos pa kami. Akala ko, maibabalik ko pa rin ang lahat sa dati.
Nang dahil sa alak, nakahalik ako ng babaeng hindi ko kilala.
Mahigpit ang aming pagyayakapan. Mahal ko siya. Mahal niya ako.
Bakit kailangan niya akong iwan?
"Eve..Eve hindi mo ito kailangang gawin."
"Adam, ilang beses na nangyayari ito. Hindi ko na kaya. I'm sorry I have to let go. Patawad kung hindi natin napuntahan ang simbahan na gusto mong ikasal tayo. Adam, patawad kung nasaktan kita ngayon, para maramdaman mo rin ang mga nararamdaman ko tuwing nagkakaganito ang lahat."
Nang dahil sa isang halik, nasira kong muli ang aming relasyon. Ngayon, wala ng pag-asang mabalik ang lahat sa dati.
Hindi niya pala ako yinakap pabalik. Worse, she started to step away. She wants to walk away.
"Eve, stay with me. Please! Hindi ko kayang wala ka. Eve, pakiusap. Maaayos pa natin ito. M-marami pang paraan. Eve-"
Ang malambot niyang palad ay kanyang pinunas sa aking luha. Inabot ko rin ang mga palad ko para hawakan ang kanyang pisngi.
Natahan ako sa pagiyak, at narinig ko ang pagbuhos ng ulan sa labas.
"I love you."
Yun na lamang ang tangi kong nasabi.
Humakbang na siya palayo. Nadudurog ulit ang aking puso.
"I know. I'm sorry."
Namuo ang huling papatak na luha sa aming mga mata. Ang mga huling luha na nagsara sa kwento ng aming pag-iibigan.
Gusto ko siyang pigilan. Halikan at sabihing 'hindi ako ang nakita mo', pero wala na. Alam kong hindi niya na kaya. Hindi niya na kayang pag-awayin ang pagmamahal at lungkot para sa akin. Ako ang dahilan ng kanyang paghihirap. Pero napako lang ako sa kinatatayuan ko. Nakatitig sa paglaho ng babaeng unang minahal ko. Nakatitig sa babaeng nagpakawala sa akin.
Putang ina! Gago na ako! Ano na namang mangyayari sa akin?! Wala na. Putang ina wala na akong pag-asa!
Bakit ba lahat ng babaeng mahal ko'y iniiwan din lang naman ako?!
Sana hindi na ako nagmahal!
Sana hindi na lang ako nabubay!
Punyetang buhay ito, grabe sino pa?!
"SINO PA ANG MAWAWALA SA AKIN? ANG NANAY KO? ANO?! PUTANG INA KA! BINABALIW MO NA AKO!"
Dinuro ko ang langit na umiiyak ng malalakas na ulan.
Tahimik kong kinuha ang cellphone kong nagri-ring. Hinahanda ang aking sarili upang marinig ang mga salitang magpapaguho ng aking mundo.
Mama...kung nasaan ka man ngayon...magkikita na tayong muli.
"Ate? K-kumusta na si mama?"
Nauutal kong tanong. Hindi ko kaya. Alam kong walang kwentang tanong 'yun, pero hindi ko alam! Puta hindi ko alam! Sa sobrang panggagago sakin ng mundo, hindi ko na alam!
Hinintay ko ang sagot niya, habang hawak ang isang baril na nakatutok sa aking ulo.
"Adam! Si m-mama... Adam si mama gising na siya! Adam please pumunta ka dito. Hinahanap ka niya."
Nanlaki ang mga mata ako at napaluha. Tuluyan kong nabitawan ang baril. Hindi ko alam ang mga sunod na nangyari. Nahanap ko na lamang ang sarili kong nagmamadaling makalabas dito. Narinig ko ang malakas na kulog at kidlat sa labas.
Hindi ako makapagsalita. Parang nabunutan ako ng isang malaking tinik, kahit alam kong marami pa akong matatalim na bagay na nakatusok sa likod ko. Wala na akong pakialam. Halos mabaliw na ako sa saya. Sa pagbuhos ng aking luha ay nagbalik ang mga alaalang sinabi ko sa sarili kong 'ayoko na'. Hindi ko 'yun dapat isipin. Mas importante ang makita ang aking inang gising at mabuong muli ang aming pamilyang naghiwalay dahil lamang sa kalagayan niya.
Nabuhay ako. Nabuhay ang pag-asa ko.
Masakit man, pero sana masaya siya kung nasaan man siya ngayon. Mahihilom din ang mga sugat namin.
Nagtatakbo ako at nagsabing mag-checheck out na. Nakita ko namang nalaglag ang isang notebook.
Gusto ko man itong ipaalam kay Eve, pero wala ng 'kami'. Naputol na ang ugnayan namin sa isa't-isa at ipinagdarasal ko na maayos siya.
"Mabuti naman, maglilista ako ng mga bibilhin para kay mama."
Pero, wala ng blangkong pahina. Mukhang naiwan ata ito ng isang babaeng nagngangalang "Erika". Diary niya ata ito. Gusto ko mang basahin ay alam kong wala na akong oras. Masyadong malungkot ang kwartong ito.
At gusto ko ng pakawalan ang mga demonyong nandito.
Nakita ko rin ang isang lingerie sa may sahig. Siguro kay Erika din ang mga iyon. Siya ang babaeng gumamit ng kwartong ito bago ako manatili dito.
Room 026, paalam.
Sabik na akong makitang muli ang ngiti nila mama at ng aking buong pamilya.
--------- â Â III Â â ---------
He cried. I saw him cry. I saw a man cry. I wish I can wipe his tears. I hate to see people cry.
"P-pakawalan mo ako...S-sarah...m-maawa..."
Umubo ng dugo ang nakahandusay na babaeng duguan sa likod ko. Nakatanaw ako sa bintana, hawak ang isang kutsilyong naliligo sa dugo ng tao. Sa tapat ko ang isang lalaking nakadungaw sa labas ng bintana at sinisisi ang langit sa kung anong bagay.
Humakbang ako sa kanya. Nanginginig ang mga kamay ko sa sobrang galit.
"S-sarah...p-patawad..."
Pabulong niyang sinabi, at nalagutan na siya ng hininga.
"HAYOP KA! WALA KANG KARAPATANG MABUHAY SA MUNDONG ITO! YOU DESERVE ALL OF THIS, YOU BITCH! YOU DESERVE THIS!"
Tumayo ako at kumuha ng panulat. Punong puno ng dugo ang madilim na kwarto. Masangsang ang amoy at kasama ko ang mga nabubulok na bangkay ng mga makasalanan.
Binuklat ko ang pahina ng isang kwaderno. Isang kwadernong ginagamit ko upang isulat ang pangalan ng mga taong pinapatay ko. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ko ito ginagawa. Hindi ko alam kung bakit gusto ko ba silang dalhin bilang alaala.
Pinaulanan ko pa ng saksak ang patay na katawan ng isang babae. Napuno ng sigaw ang isang madilim na kwarto. Wala sa sariling pumatay ako ng tao. Sawang sawa na akong makita ang mga taong nagkakasala, lalo na sa mga walang muwang na bata! Isa man siyang ina, hindi ko pa rin mapapatawad ang ginawa niya sa kanyang anak.
Nanginginig na mga kamay. Malakas na ulan, ang mga iyak na matagal tumahan. Ang panulat ay nabalot ng dugo, na siyang naging tinta upang maisulat ko na naman ang kamatayan ng isang taong kilala ko, hindi ko kilala at mga taong hindi ko namalayang pinapatay ko na pala.
"35.) Anna Salazar. 27. 04/01/2018"
Napatitig ako sa kutsilyo, sunod naman sa kawawang bangkay ni Anna. Kanina, kaklase ko lang siya sa Biology. Sabi niya, isang karangalan sa kanya ang makapag-aral ulit. Sabi niya, ang anak niya ay isang biyaya. Pero, iba ang sinasabi ng aking mga nakita.
Akala niya ba maloloko niya ako? Akala niya tama ang ginawa niya? Wala siyang kwentang ina!
"Karangalan? Ibenta ang sarili mong anak? Isa na ba 'yung karangalan?! Hindi ka kasi nagtrabaho para mabayaran ang tuition mo. Sayang...patay ka na eh."
Ngumiti ako at nanggigigil na ibinaon ang kutsilyo sa puso niya. Tumayo ako upang linisin ang aking mga-
Dugo.
Nanlaki ang mga mata ko at pakiramdam ko ay binuhusan ako ng isang timba ng malamig na tubig. Ang kwarto ko ay puno ng bangkay.
Mas lalo akong natakot. Takot na ako. Bakit ba ito nangyayari? Bakit ako pumapatay?!
Tatlumpu't-lima. Itinambak ko ng walang pagdadalawang isip ang mga bangkay na ito sa madilim na kwarto.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!"
Hindi ka namin iiwan.
Nawawala na ako sa sarili. Hindi ko na maramdaman ang tibok ng puso ko. Tiningnan ko ang mga kamay kong duguan.
Hindi ka namin iiwan.
"Tahan na Sarah. Shh....magiging okay din ang lahat. Makakakita ka na ng magandang sikat ng araw, at mararamdaman mo ang pagtibok ng mga puso. Huwag ka ng papatay ng tao, pakiusap."
--------- â Â Â Â Â IV Â Â Â Â â ---------
Napagtanto ko na, naligo ako sa dugo ng ibang tao at wala ako sa katinuan. Ang sama, sama ko. Isa akong makasalanan. Tumatakbo ako palayo, tinatakasan ko ang mga humahabol sa akin.
March 23, 2018
March 28, 2018
"Tulip. Listen to me. Walang forever. Tatanda tayong lahat, at mabubulok sa paglipas ng panahon. Matanong ko lang, ah? Ka-ano ano mo ang tita mo? Diba pamilya? Sapat na ba 'yang alam mo para mabuhay ng mag-isa? Tulip, you're just 16 years old, like me, like every other 16 year old human being in the world. Huwag ka namang sumuko sa mga taong hindi dapat sinususukuan. Tulip, can't you see? They love you! Look at yourself, you have almost everything that people who aren't financially stable need and want. Binibigay nila ang lahat ng gusto mo. Please, wag mo silang kakalabanin. They're not demons. They're not the villains. They won't kill you. Are those enough to prove that you don't have to fight your parents? Please, huwag mong pahirapan ang mga magulang mo gaya ng ginawa ni Ate Sarah sa sarili niya."
Tumango ako at ngumiti pabalik. Ngiti niya pa lang, gumagaan na ang loob ko. I feel safe when I'm with him.
Si Ate Sarah, killer on the loose. Nasasaktan ako para sa kaniya, they don't deserve this. She doesn't deserve the title of being a 'serial killer'. Ate Sarah's in sorrow. Naghihirap siya, and she badly needs help. Nasaktan ako sa sinabi niya. But, no, this does not change my mind.
Lumayo ako.
"Come back home, Tulip. Hatid na kita."
Tumakbo.
Bakit ba lagi na lang ganito? Bakit lagi na lang akong lumalayo?
"Tulip makonsensya ka naman pakiusap!"
April 01, 2018
"Ahh, ma'am, ilang oras na lang po ba ako pwede hanggang check out?"
"Hindi muna po, ma'am. Paki-notify na lang po kung kailangan ko ng magcheck out."
"Ma'am, about three hours na lang po ang natitira. Magche-check out na po ba kayo?"
Kinakabahan ako. Hindi ko pa kaya. Ayokong malungkot din sila. Hindi rin naman ito tama.
Sapat nga ang dahilan na ibinigay ni JC. Hindi pa huli ang lahat. Gagawin ko ulit ang lahat.
Dapat hindi ko hinayaang humantong sa ganito. Tanga ako eh. Bigla biglang gagalaw ng hindi nag-iisip.
"Happy Easter Sunday.."
Tinawagan ko si JC.
"Balik ka na. Pasko ng pagkabuhay ngayon. A chance to change."
"I know."
"Smile ka na. Gusto mo next week mag-meet tayo ng squad?"
"Uhm..kasi.."
"Sabi na eh. Ay! Tulip, may inuutos sakin si Mama. Sige ah, mag-ayos ka na. Batukan kita diyan hahaha."
"Oh?"
"Thank you. For everything."
"Got it. Happy Easter, Tulip. Love you."
"JC, wait!"
Pakiramdam ko bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko. Panandalian lang pero, nagpapasalamat pa rin ako na may kaibigan akong kagaya ni JC. Sana hindi namin makalimutan ang isa't isa.
Nagcheck out ako palabas sa hotel. Sana, ma-meet ko rin si Erika. Gusto ko siyang makausap, dahil pakiramdam ko maraming malulungkot na bagay ang nangyari sa kwartong ito.
Sabi ko sa sarili ko habang yakap yakap ang journal ng isang babaeng nagngangalang Erika. Ipapangako ko sa sarili kong ibibigay ko ito sa kanya.
Room 026. Hinding hindi kita kakalimutan.
Natigil ako sa paglalakad at lumingon sa brasong hawak ang kaliwang balikat ko.
"Bakit po?"
"Ang diary na 'yan, wag mong itago ha? Sunugin mo na."
Ngumiti ako at tumango. To be honest, hindi ko gusto ang kwentong ito. But, I hope she's in a happy place. I strongly believe that she will grow into a better woman.
"Anong pangalan mo?"
"Ako si Rose. Kambal ako ni Erika. Nice to meet you."
"Tulip."
Nakipag kamay ako sa kanya. Tulip and Rose. Dalawang bulaklak na napagkakamalang parehas sa malayo. Tulips are shy, but they are pleasing and pretty to look at. Roses are brave and their petals are falling off with intimate grace. They have thorns, if not careful, picking an innocent rose makes us feel a little sin which these Tulips never give us.
Sana, maipakilala niya rin sa akin si Ate Erika.
Nagtitigan kaming saglit at ngumiti ng parang tanga ng ma-realize na nahahati ang mga atensyon ng mga dumadaang tao sa aming paligid. Hindi ko alam pero parang gusto ko siyang sundan. Parang yinayaya niya ako sa isang lugar na puno ng magagandang tanawin at dalisay na tubig na umaagos ng tahimik. Gusto ko siyang sundan...
"Ate Rose... I may be an idiot for asking this, but will we meet again?"
She nodded.
"Then, see you there."
For a moment, I think I saw her cry. She wiped her tears and walked away.
Kinakabahan akong nag-door bell sa bahay. Nagdadalawang isip na bumalik sa hotel room.
"Tulip makonsensya ka naman pakiusap!"
Oo nga Tulip. Andito ka na. No turning back!
"Jusko! Tulip? Ikaw nga!"
Huminga ako ng malalim.
Halos hindi na makahinga ng maayos si Ate nang makita niya ako. Nakasuot na siya ngayon ng pang madre at halos maiyak na. Tinupad niya na ang pangarap niya, at sana magtagumpay siya sa misyong ito.
Nagyakapan kami. Mahigpit na mahigpit.
Agad niyang hinawakan ang kamay ko at pumasok sa loob.
"Happy Easter, Sister Eve."
Maya-maya ay nakita ko sila Mom and Dad. Handang handa para sa isang business trip. Parang walang emosyon sa kanilang mga mukha pero sa sandaling mahagip nila ako sa paningin
"Mom! Dad! Andito na siya!"
"Anak? Anak!"
"Mom! I'm so sorry! I can't believe I left you. I'm so sorry, I won't do it again. Mom, Dad I'm really sorry."
Buo na ulit kami. Masaya. Hindi na kagaya ng dati.
"Ate, saan tayo pupunta?"
Kumunot naman ang noo ko sa tanong niya.
"I'm a liar, aren't I?"
"Bakit naman? Ate, ano pong nangyari?"
Inabot niya sa akin ang isang wallet. Binuksan ko ito at nakita ang mga picture niya at iba't ibang ID sa kung ano anong mga school at iba pang mga lugar na di ko alam. Grabe, mukhang haggard ang kambal niya kumpara sa kanya. Kung tutuusin, pati rin naman si Ate Rose ay may mga eyebags sa mata niya pero hindi naman masyadong halata kasi ang siglang tingnan ng mukha niya. Nakakapanibago nga kasi bigla siyang lumungkot?
Nagulat ako ng makita ang isang pangalang nakasulat sa mga ito.
Deleted wattpad post under the pseudonym goldiiblox
Started: May 4, 2017
Ended: April 1, 2018
Language used: English, Filipino
SYNOPSIS:
"The promised finally accepted her fate."
Status: Completed
Genre: Fantasy, Short Story
Three parted story.Tagalog-English story. Mild language used. Everything is used in a fictitious manner or a product of the writer's imagination.
I (date of final revision: October 11, 2017)
Heart strings.
I thought they were just used in expressing deep thoughts in our hearts.I thought they were only made up to deepen the emotions of someone who is loved, brokenhearted and in vain.
And yet, they are real, holding the parts of our heart, to keep it from malfunctioning that will slowly lead us to death. Well, we'll die at the end anyway. It's like discovering the lost history of humanity.
Or perhaps I'm exaggerating things, again.
"Ms. Acosta, are the windows teaching a lesson to you?" Binaling ko ang tingin ko sa matandang guro namin sa English.
"Hindi naman ma'am. Bakit?"
Sagot ko sa kanya habang nakapangulumbaba.
"Pilipino naman po tayo, nag-eenglish pa."
"Speak English."
Iritado niya namang sagot.
"Then can you give us all the kinds of Figurative speech and their uses." Tinitigan ko lang siya ng blangko, yung parang hindi ko alam ang sagot. Nakakatamad lang kasing ubusin ang laway sa mga salitang inuulit na lang lagi.
"Hindi ko po alam. At sorry na po dahil hindi ako nakikinig sa lesson."
Pakiramdam ko, ang mga nangyayari sa buhay ko, naulit na, naikwento na. Kumbaga, ako yung isang bida sa isang kwento pero ang buhay ko ay boring, pangkaraniwan at pinagsawaan na.
Kung mabibigyan lang ako ng pagkakataong makontrol ang buhay ko, marami na siguro akong nagawa. Pero lahat siguro na nangyayari sa ating lahat ay planado na ng tadhana.
"Ms. Acosta, are you even listening? I'm not telling you to just stand up, you are distracting the whole class."
Mula sa pagtingin ko sa sahig ay tiningnan ko siya, ang mga matang natatakpan ng malinaw na salamin upang makakita ng maayos.
Hay, sana may mangyaring ring maganda sa buhay ko.Tahimik na lang akong umupo at hinintay matapos ang buong subject. Babagsak na lang siguro ako sa section D next year.
----
Natapos rin ang halos walong oras. Walong oras na mabubuhay pa lalo ang katamaran ng isang estudyante kung matutulala ka lang at hindi na makikinig. Napabuntong hininga na lang ako ng makauwi sa bahay.
Wala na naman si mama.
Pati na rin si papa.
Inggit na naman ako sa mga batang masayang nakahawak sa mg kamay ng kanilang magulang.
Pero, Dawn Acosta, hindi ka na bata.
Hindi naman siguro ako pagagalitan kung umuupo ako sa isang makapal na sanga ng puno ng Acacia. Kasalanan ko bang mamatay at mabuhay ulit? Kung hindi ko man kasalanan, ano naman ang dahilan?
II (date of final revision: October 11, 2017)
Sabado.
Tumingala ako sa langit na medyo natatakpan ng mga dahon at sanga sanga ng puno. Ang asul nitong kulay ay nandyan lang at umaalis lang kapag gumagabi na at pinapalitan ng repleksyon ng misteryosong kalawakan. Hanggang ngayon, gusto ko pa ring makaupo sa ulap, ngunit mahuhulog pa rin ako sa lupa. Ang paggalaw nila ay tilang isang grupo ng hanging pinagsama sama at kahit saan sila ay nakakapunta ng malayang malaya at payapang payapa. Kahit kadalasan ay laging silang nagkakahiwalay.
Pero bakit kaya may kakaibang kilos ang mga ito? Tinitigan ko lang ito ng naniningkit na mga mata. Ang asul na kalangitan ay unti-unting nagiging mga maliliit na alon sa dagat at lumalakas ng lumalakas. Nagulo ang mapayapang kalangitan. May gulo na naman yatang paparating. Sa pagkurap ko ay bumalik na ito sa dati.
"Dawn!" Nakita ko si Cassandra sa baba at kumakaway kaway pa ito sa akin.
"Anong libro?"
Tumalon ako at pakiramdam ko ang mga binti at paa ko ay nabalian.
"Ang galing mo talaga manghula!"
May bahid ng tuwa at pagkamangha ang kanyang mukha. Lagi naman siyang lumalapit sa akin para ipaayos ang mga sirang libro niya.
"Masakit pa? Tsaka bakit ka na naman nagcutting kahapon?"
"Pwede ka naman kasing bumaba na lang, hindi yung tatalon ka pa."
Sermon niya sa akin habang inaalalayan akong tumayo.
"Wala ka na dun."
"Boring naman talaga ang school, magiging masaya lang kapag graduation kasi bakasyon na at nagrhyme pa talaga sila. Graduation, Bakasyon."
Ngumiti siya sa sinabi niya at kinalikot ang loob ng bag niya.Kaya ko pa naman sigurong maglakad pauwi.
"O, eto. Maganda rin yan, ok lang sa akin kung basahin mo. Matagal ko na rin yang hinahanap sa bahay, nandun lang pala sa kwarto ni mama...."
Mama.
Sana nakalimot na lang ako sa araw na iyon.
Hindi naman dapat sila-
"Dawn? Huy, buhay ka pa?"
Tiningnan ko siya at kinuha ang libro. Binuksan ko ito at nakakita ng mga sunog na pahina.
"Magagawan mo pa yan ng paraan?"
"Sunog na. Ita-tape ko na lang yung ibang punit. Ibalik ko na lang sayo sa Lunes." Sinabi ko sa kanya at naupo sa isang bench malapit doon sa punong Acacia.
"Alam mo, bakit ang tanda ng bahay na tinitirahan mo? Ancestral house? May multo?"
"Hindi at walang multo doon."
Maliban na lang kung magparamdam sila mama at papa.
"Dawn. Ipaayos mo kaya."
"Ayoko. Umalis ka na."
Marahil ay naguguluhan ang isipan niya dahil sa desisyon kong sinabi sa kanya. Sa pag-alis niya ay tinitigan ko ang librong hawak ko ngayon.
"11:11" Ang nakalagay na title. Imposible naman na ito yung pinauso ng mga koreano na oras para magwish. Ang totoo, hindi ko rin alam kung sinong nagpauso basta naririnig ko lang sa mga tao. Hindi ko na rin nakita kung kailan ito ipinublish. Halos lahat ng ipinapaayos niya sa akin ay mga bagong biling libro.
Ano naman kayang pumasok sa isip niya at nagbasa na siya ng mga luma? Manipis lang naman ang libro kaya may pakiramdam akong pinagloloko niya ako. Ilinagay ko ang libro sa ibabaw nung study table ko at nagsindi ng kandila. May litrato yata ng babae sa cover pero nabura na dahil sa kalumaan ng libro.
"Luma na nga, ipapaayos pa. Grabe siya."
Bulong ko sa sarili ko habang pinagtatagpi ang cover gamit ang shoe glue. Hinawi ko ang kurtina at pumasok naman kaagad ang liwanag ng buwan. Nakakainip naman kapag mag-isa ang isang tao.
Grade 9 na ako next year pero ang edad ko hindi pang Grade 8. Ang habang panahon ng lumipas tapos ngayon pa lang ako nag-aral? Ha? Ano? Pakiexplain. Pero dapat siguro hindi na lang ako nag-aral para mas maitago ko pa ang sarili ko. Kung pwede lang ibalik ang oras.114 years old. At least, may 14. Tsaka kung umabot man ako ng lagpas 500, ano naman kaya ang maabutan ko? Ano naman kaya ang sasabihin kong edad ko sa mga taong makikilala ko sa mga panahon na yan? 14 pa rin?
Natapos ko ng maayos ang punit sa libro at napagdesisyunan ding basahin.
"11:11, it opens."
"11:11, it closes."
Yun lang naman ang nakalagay sa mga pahina. Pambata siguro ito.Tch, linoloko niya na talaga ako.Binuklat ko ng mabilis ang ibang pahina at wala naman akong nakitang sunog.
Letse, ang sinungaling. Pero kinain ko lahat ng inisip ko nang makita ko sa mga gilid na kulay itim.Binalikan ko ulit ang mga naunang pahina, pero tanging nakita ko lang ay mga pangungusap na pinaunahan ng '11:11'.
Ngayon lang ako nakabasa ng children's book na ganito kagulo.Taydra yung pangalan ng author.Kaya naman pala, pati yung author, weird din ang pangalan.
"11:11, the roses had thorns, virgins mourn."
Manyak ang libro.
Pero baka tinago niya lang ang tunay niyang pangalan sa Taydra na yun.Lumabas ako ng bahay at nagpatungo sa kakahuyan at naglakad. Nagdala ako ng flashlight para hindi na ako madapa.
Plop.
Tubig.
Bago pa makalabas ang sigaw ko ay nahulog ako sa isang katubigan.
Yung flashlight!
Hinabol ko ito pababa pero bakit parang ang bilis naman ng paglubog nito? At maya maya ay nawalan na ito ng ilaw.Lumangoy ako pataas pero bumibigat lalo ang katawan ko. Sinubukan ko rin ang paglutang pero hinahatak ako ng tubig pababa.Saan na ako mapupunta nito?
"11:11, colorful imaginations blossom."
************************************
"11:11, doors welcome you forcefully."
"11:11, mysteries are bound to come."
"Hiding in the depths of happiness, the promised encounters them."
"Walking through time, letting it pass by."
"Someday, at 11:11, the promised shall bear the weight of worlds."
"If death leads the promised to freedom, the latter will be regretful."
"As the melancholic happening is approaching, the offerings are bound to be prepared. For they have the chance to be spared."
"Dearest time, sacrifice the promised, at the time everyone is in deep slumber."
************************************
Iminulat ko ang mata ko at naubo. Marami na yatang pumasok na tubig sa akin. Gah! Ang tanga kong bata. Nakita ko ang mga ulap. At napakalapit na nito.
Ano?!
Kinusot ko ang mata ko at hindi nga ako namalik-mata. Nakita ko ang isang butas sa gitna ng katubigan at doon na siguro ako nanggaling. May mga alon ring inaalon rin papunta dito sa lupang natatapakan ko at bumabalik ito sa karagatan. Nilibot ko ang paningin ko at wala akong nakitang kahit ano. Tanging ang mga tubig lang na nagdala sa akin papunta rito. Walang kahit anong nilalang.
Wala.
Wala ring kulay ang dalampasigang tinatapakan ko at kapag tumitingala ako ay ulap lang ang nakikita ko.
Bakit kaya ang lapit ko sa ulap?
Tumalon ako at napakataas ng naabot ko. Tumagos lang ako sa ulap na iyon at nakakita pa ng marami.
Anong lugar ito?
Bakit andito ako?
Lumangoy ako pabalik sa butas ng tubig na pinanggalingan ko at may iba na naman akong napuntahan.
Nakabalik na pala ako sa Earth.
Bigla akong nahulog sa mga kakahuyang at sumalubong sa akin papalabas ang isang parke at may mga bata pang naglalaro doon.
Namiss ko na naman ang kabataan.
"Saglit! Masusunog mo!"
"HINDI AKO DUWAG!"
Nakita ko ang isang lalaking nagpapalabas ng maliliit na bola ng kuryente sa kanyang mga palad at akmang itatapon na sana ito sa kakahuyan ng pinigilan ko siya.
Nahawakan ko ang mga kamay niya at nawala bigla ang mga bola ng kuryente sa kamay niya.
Teka, hindi ito Earth! Nasaan na ba talaga ako?!
"Pasensya na. Baka kasi--"
"ANONG GINAWA MO?! BAKIT TINANGGAL MO ANG KAPANGYARIHAN KO?!?!"
"Anong ginawa mo?"
Naputol ang pagsasalita ko ng sinubukan niyang magpalabas ulit ngunit nabigo siya.
Napatakip ako ng tenga sa bigla niyang pagsigaw.
Anong nangyari? Mas lalo akong naguluhan ng umiyak ito at tumakbo papasok sa mga kakahuyan. Nakita ko rin ang ibang taong nakatingin sa amin. Pero karamihan ay parang walang nangyaring kakaiba kanina.
Baka mapahamak siya, kailangan kong sundan.Ano nga ba ang ginawa ko?
Naalisan ba siya ng kapangyarihan dahil sa akin?
Hindi, kailangan ko munang hanapin kung nasaan siya, baka hanapin ng mga magulang niya.
III - END (date of final revision: April 1, 2018)
Tumakbo ako ng tumakbo habang nakikita ko sa may kalayuan ang bata na tumatakbo palayo.
Lagot na, baka may mangyari sa kanyang masama, at yung mga ahas baka matuklaw siya.
Ang bata niya pa naman.
LAGOT NA TALAGA.
"Teka lang!"
Buong lakas kong sinigaw pero mas lalo pa siyang bumilis.
Napatigil ako at pilit na hinanap ng mga mata ko ang bata. Maya-maya pa ay nakarinig ako ng pag-alis ng mga ibon sa mga puno at ang mga huni nilang naghalo halo ang ipinaparating na mensahe. Sa sobrang liblib at tahimik ng kakahuyang ito, sino pa ba ang hindi mag-aalangang tumakbo paloob rito?
Kakaunti lamang.
At nagbasakali na rin akong walang nangyaring masama sa batang iyon at siya ang nasa lugar kung nasaan nagsiliparan palayo ang mga ibon.
At nakita ko nga siya roon.
Nagsisipa at nagwawala dahil nga siguro sa nawalan siya ng kapangyarihan.
Gumagawa nga talaga siya ng ingay.
Puno ng galit ang sarili niya at kahit ang buong katawan niya ay wala na ring nagawa at sinunod ang mga iniisip niyang gagawin, kahit gaano pa ito kaliit at hindi pa gaanong malakas para saluhin ang lahat ng galit na nararamdaman niya. Mas lalo pa tuloy na nagulo ang isip ko at kung paano ko naalis ang kapangyarihan niya samantalang hinawakan ko lang ang kamay niya.
Napakabata niya naman para magalit siya ng ganyan.
Kung sabagay, karamihan sa mga ganyang bagay, walang edad at kahit sino ang pinipili, patay man o buhay.
Lumapit ako sa kanya at nag-isip ng mga sasabihin.
Akmang tatakbo ito palayo pero nahawakan ko ang braso niya.
Parang nanigas ang katawan niya at tumingin siya sa akin ng may halong kaunting takot.
"Saglit! Pwede wag ka muna umalis?"
Gusto ko na talaga siyang iuwi sa mga magulang niya at tanungin kung anong nangyari.
Naghanap ako ng pwedeng maupuan niya at itunuro ko ang isang clearing ng isang puno.
"Bakit ka galit sa akin? Nasaan ang mga magulang mo?"
Tumitig siya sa akin ng matalim at habang ako ay pakurap kurap na hinihintay kung anong sagot niya.
"Paano?"
"Inalis mo ang kapangyarihan ko."
Nalipat ang tingin ko sa purol na dulo ng kanyang sapatos. Sa wakas din at nakasagot siya.
"Paano? Hindi mo ba naramdaman? Hindi ako sinungaling na bata, kaya bakit ikaw ganun din?"
Napakunot noo ako sa nasabi niya. Isang daang taon mahigit na ako at hindi pitong taong gulang.
"Hindi ako nagsisinungaling. Pinigilan lang kita na matamaan mo ang kahoy kanina para hindi mo maipalabas ang kidlat mo kanina."
Nanghina pero nakatakbo palayo? Ano daw?
Medyo nanlaki ang mata niya.
"Hindi talaga? Pero bakit nanghina ako kanina ng mahawakan mo ang kamay ko?"
"Nasaan ang mga magulang mo?"
"Wala na sila. At ayoko na ring bumalik kung saan man ako nakatira ngayon."
Pero baka naman iba pa ang ibig sabihin nito.
Tumingin ako sa mata niya, marami na pala siyang naikwento pero walang ni isang taong nakinig.
Naglaban ang galit at ang pagkainosente niya at naiipit ang pagkatao niya sa gitna nito.
"Mas mabuti pa ring makauwi ka. Kahit siguro doon mas ligtas pa kaysa sa pag-iisa mo dito sa gitna ng kagubatan."
"Parehas lang naman. Kahit saan ka pumunta, hindi ka pa rin lulubayan ng kapahamakan kahit pa, ikaw mismo ay gumagawa rin nito."
"Ang bata mo pa, ha? Para magsasabi ng ganyan. Kung naalis ko nga ang kapangyarihan mo, paano ka nakatakbo ng ganito kalayo? Nagawa mo pa ngang magsisipa ng ganyan."
Naguguluhan na talaga ako.
"11:11."
Sinabi niya bigla habang nakatunganga na sa kawalan.
"Ikaw na yata yun."
Dagdag niya.
"Wala ka talagang nararamdaman?"
"Anong pinagsasabi mo? Sagutin mo ang tanong ko."
Kumunot na naman ang noo ko. Baka naman maging permanente na ang pagkakunot nito, eh.
"Ang lakas mo, at kahit maibalik ko ang kapangyarihan ko at kalabanin kita, mamatay lang ako."
Magsasalita na sana ako ng ibuka niya na naman ang bibig niya.
"At masaya na ako. Siguro makakasama ko na nga ang paraiso. Makakalangoy at kahit paulit ulit pang malunod, hindi makikitil ang buhay ko."
Ngumiti siya at tumingin sa akin.
"Alam mo. Nakalimutan mo lang."
"Hindi ko alam ang sinasabi mo. Gusto mo na ba talagang mamatay?"
Tanong ko.
"Wala pa akong nakalimutang nangyari sa buhay ko."
"Lahat tayo ay may nakalimutan. At kung nakalimutan mo, parehas lang ang mangyayari sa atin, ang kamatayan kasabay ng pagkawala ng buong mundo sa kalawakang ito."
"Naguguluhan ako. Sino ka ba? Anong nagawa ko at natanggal ko ang kapangyarihan mo?"
Sa halip na makakuha ako ng maayos na sagot ay isang ngiti lang ang isinagot niya.
"Hindi na rin ako nabubuhay, pero, kung gagawin mo ang dapat mong gawin, masasalba ang karamihan kahit sa pinakamasakit na paraan."
"At anong mangyayari sa akin? Pinag-alala mo lang ako sa kawalan, ipagdarasal ko na lang ang iyong kaluluwa."
Bumalik ako sa lugar na iyon.
"Maraming mangyayari. Ipagdarasal ko rin ang iyong kapalaran."
Sa huling ngiti niya ay nawala siya ng parang bula, at naglaho rin ang buong lugar.
Ang lugar kung saan malapit ang ulap sa kalupaan ng kawalan.
Ang lugar na wala kang makikita kundi ang asul na katubigang napakalinis ngunit walang nakatirang hayop o mga halaman.
Siguro nga may gulong paparating. Ang mga alon na kanina ay napakatahimik ay ngayon namang lumakas ng lumalakas. Sa kabila ng gulong iyon, mas mahirap pa rin ang mararanas kong kapalaran.
"Ano na nga ba ang mangyayari sa akin?"
Napabuntong hininga na lang ako.
"Kapalarang pasanin ang bigat ng mga mundo. At dito mismo sa lugar na ito."
Napakapait ng timpla ng mundo ngayon. Marahil na rin dahil sa aming mga tao, ang sama na rin kasi namin at naging abusado na. Pero sa wakas, may silbi na rin ang pagiging immortal ko. Naalala ko na, kung bakit nawala sila mama at papa. Pero hindi na rin sila makikita, habang buhay.
Cassandra, sana huwag mo nang hanapin ang libro, dahil baka maidamay mo pa ang sarili mo.
Ă~â˘~Ă
Ipinikit niya ang mga mata niya habang ang mga alon ay naitapon na siya pabalik sa dagat.
Nanatili pa rin siya doon, pikit matang pinapakiramdaman ang sakit na ibinibigay ng mga mundo.
Naamoy niya ang dugo.
Narinig niya ang pagputok ng mga baril at pagtama ng dalawang espada.
Narinig niya ang mga sigaw at iyak ng mga inosente at makasalanang mga tao.
At kung bubuksan niya ang mga mata niya, hindi niya matatanggap ang makikita niya.
Kaya nanitili siya sa pinakailalim nito, at ang pagkamalay niya ay naglaho dahil hindi na niya napigilang mamanhid.
Ă~â˘~Ă
Lumipas ang mga panahon at naalis na rin sa isip ni Cassandra ang pagkawala ni Dawn, pero may mga tanong pa rin sa isip niya tungkol kay Dawn, at walang sinuman sa buong mundo ay nakaaalam ng sagot dito.
"Dawn? Dawn? Nasaan na kaya ang babaeng yun?"
Tanong ni Cassandra sa sarili niya, at hawak hawak ang lumang librong ipinaayos niya sa misteryosong kaibigan niyang si Dawn.
(1 ACT) Chamber Theater Script: The Queenâs Gambit
The Queenâs Gambit
By: Walter Tevis (Netflix Adaptation)
Characters: Beth, Annette, Harry
Act: Adjournment
Script by: ANGELA (12.16.2020)
Scene: The stage has dimmed lights. There is a doorway that leads to the entrance of the Kentucky Chess venue and out the driveway.
(Chorus enters)
âWill she ever be?
Will she ever be alright?
She continues to spiral down, down, down, to what we call madness.
She has conquered everyone.
Isnât it amazing?
(whispers to one another in doubt)
But can she conquer her demons?
(lights dim to black, Chorus exits)
Narrator: Beth enters the room, dressed in juxtaposed, muted colors of clothing, a pale face and a disoriented state. She looks for the place to go in a hurry.
Annette: (walks towards her from behind) Beth Harmon?
Beth: (stares at her blankly)
Annette: Annette Packer. Iâm your first win. It was over in 15 minutes.
Beth: Sorry.
Annette: No, itâs an honor. I always tell people that I was there in your 1st victory. Youâre such an inspiration. Being a woman, and all, competing in a male-dominated field.
Beth: People always tell me that.
Annette: Oh.. (pauses) then I shouldnât have said it. Sorry if it made you uncomfortable.
Beth: Yeah..
(another awkward pause)
Beth: Are you.. playing here today?
Annette: No (chuckles), havenât played in a few years now. Iâm premed so I donât have the time, even though I miss it. It was fun while it lasted. Especially now that Iâm comforted at the fact that it wonât always be men.. that.. you know.. be on top?
Narrator: Both of them share a small laugh. While it was something wonderful for Annette, Beth suddenly feels the realization of how far she came, but also aware of the fact of how deep she is into her addiction. But, she doesnât care. She wants to go home and just be alone.
Annette: I.. I heard youâre going to be here, so I came down for the weekend. To say thank you.
Beth: (smiles) Yeah. Great to meet you, too.
Annette: Yes, Iâll see you inside? (Beth nods.)
Annette: Goodluck, Beth.
Narrator: After she exits the scene, the chorus enters ushering Beth outside the chess venue. Beth fumbles for a cigarette in need for something to hold on to.
(Chorus; singing to her)
âOh, now, now, dear
Who do you miss?
Your mother?
Or did you forget something?
(One tries to take the cigarette from her)
Beth: Goddamn it!
Beth: Give me that! (Grabs it back)
Well, you know what they say, dear:
Violent delights have violent endings.
(Chorus mimics her frantic mood, circling around her, laughing in hysteria)
You have to meet Borgov in Paris, dear.
The city of glamour! Yes!
What about Benny?
Oh and Harry Beltik?
Oh, now sheâs cursing.
What does it feel like to win?
(Beth desperately tries to light the cigarette)
Is it good?
Does it give you value?
Dignity?
Pride?
Or does it give youâŚ
(screams) Addiction?
What is it that you like to say?
(mocking) Come on, Elizabeth.
Say it
Say it
Say it!
Beth: (Angered) Shut up!
Narrator: A white car enters the scene. Harry steps out, and Beth gives him the same expression she gave to Annette.
It was almost 6 years ago. The remnants the slightest happiness I could ever feel in the last of my childhood days felt endless. Nintendos were everyone's favorite gadget. My mom bringing boxes of donuts from work and waking up to my grandma's cooking were only two of the many little things that I treasured, even if they weren't necessarily endearing. It gave me hope, that even if I grew up abandoned, there's a place I still belong to.
Even for just a moment.
It was almost 3 years ago when the days of my teenage years felt like a whim. Beer bottles were emptied and my friends shitted themselves. The projects I created had a life of their own. Even if nobody praised me and cheered me on, I was determined to keep it up, no matter how many times I fell apart. There was always something to look forward to everyday.
And in the midst of those moments, I immersed myself into the depths of it.
The question lingers in the back of my mind, once a scream, now only a timid whisper.
What could go wrong?
There is something about death that feels so empty yet so.. endearing. I thought when I finally get to face it I would tremble and cry until I can't anymore. I thought I'd finally feel what the poets write about its emptiness -- these intricate metaphors of human emotion would finally settle into me.
I just stare at the ceiling, though. I try to force my tears out and let myself burst, but I can't. Sometimes, I hold a bottle of wine and drink, because apparently the way it makes me feel like I'm in a trance is soothing enough.
I always question if I will ever go to the place where I truly belong.
Maybe to the people who died, they found it at last.
Maybe it's not a golden field or anything warm. Maybe it is extreme suffering. Maybe it's just complete silence.
Where the ghosts would always kiss each other as they relish in the comfort of their emptiness.
Why do we always regret when we grieve?
No one can answer that. We can lie, but we can feel.
*. ~ My thoughts, analysis, and why Iâm grateful for this year (even though I, too, am gravely affected by the shit storms it brought upon us).
January 01, 2020 â firecrackers launched into the night sky; colors started painting themselves for a fleeting moment before vanishing into thin air. Surely enough, I know Iâm not the only one who caged themselves inside the source of false security that is a bedroom, staring into these flickers of light, while awaiting the worst to happen this year.
Oh, Iâve had so much to expect. Tarot, astrology â any occult forecast have told me that this is not an easy start for a decade. And surely enough, as I watched people unknowingly celebrate the beginning, my chest ached to tell them a warning they wonât believe.
Because, people want to be realistic, yet people also have idealistic dreams. So if there is anything that I can use to describe this year, ironic parallels would be fitting.
Then it came.
March 13, 2020 onwards â A pandemic slowly got out of control, trading real human lives with the sudden, erratic turning of events. People slowly falling into a pit of isolation that posed risks of insanity, unrelenting disruption within politics, worsening climate, economic and social conditions, creators and entertainers desperately trying to create hope for the sake of surviving â all things went to an abrupt pause, and for a long time, I felt like I was stuck in a rut like everybody else. And this is where the irony comes in â because in the midst of my mental state, I managed to physically function well, curated routines that are fit for my academic responsibilities, and even feel fascinated by the events that most people would call tragic. Of course, I did feel disheartened, but I was overpowered with helplessness, which I found ironically interesting. But, maybe that is my detachment playing a card of fabricated nonchalance. I find that people would say the same thing, too. But, I doubt that they would admit what they really feel in front of everybody. All we could do is agree silently, while listening in to hopeful cries that help us keep our heads stay afloat.
It all felt disorienting. At some point, we were all worried for our survival, yet because of the state of imbalance, all we could ever do is plead and eventually be angered in a state of suffering we canât fully describe.
Was it pain?
Regret?
Sympathy?
Was it our desire to survive?
Was it our drive to resist authority?
Was it distaste for power?
Was it realization?
Some would reply with a definitive answer to this, some would dismiss it for being too sentimental or senseless, and some would just donât know.
There is this state of confusion present in the society. Because, this is the first time, perhaps in centuries of being too caught up in creating and rising up the ladders, that humanity is on the edge. No one truly knows what would happen next.
In fact, I am writing this while listening to an upbeat pop music that sings about love, happiness and the warmth of being under the sun. Ironic, isnât it?
Distraction â is what we believe that we need.
People in power â are what we believe to be villains.
Hope â is what we cling on to.
Change â is what we desire to unfold, but cannot agree as to how it should unfold.
And finally,
Control â is what we keep doing to each other.
The thing is, we are aware that change is already happening way back before we existed. Perspective is what makes it interesting, because we like to believe what we want to, and due to everyoneâs varying limit of understanding, conflicts are to be expected.
Thatâs why, it brings me to a question:
Was this the result of the lack of understanding one another?
We have come so far tricking each other in the guise of teaching something âmorally acceptedâ that it led us to have a warped perception of reality. These days, sometimes a childâs understanding, as simple as they can be, would remind an adult of how the world really is a simple place.
Life and Death.
Hmph, maybe thatâs why I find this year to be so interesting. Maybe I question myself if thatâs what people during the previous wars, plagues and colonization felt.
Usually, the realization lasts shortly, before we revert back to the ways of thinking weâre used to.
People say it feels like a movie or a novel. Intense, groundbreaking, dramatic, surreal, it just goes on forever.
This year, is just like falling in and out of love, in repeated cycles which get painfully worse until the lovers pass away in each otherâs arms.
So, why am I thankful?
To put it simply, it made me realize that the world is round, but the systems we built for ourselves arenât.
What made me see it this way, is when I went out for a walk and then seeing a man peacefully cleaning the streets at 6 in the morning. He is just doing his job, contributing to the society and the environment, but most people still think that his job is indecent. To get such meaningless criticism and depreciation from doing us a favor of cleaning â prove me wrong that itâs a system of hierarchy.
I still might be wrong for thinking this way, but at least I have a facet of perspective I can switch into.
Wow, how I wear so many glasses.
I do acknowledge the fact that most of my friends will probably Iâm on the brink of insanity if I show this to them, but thankfully to that, Iâm not.
Iâm just constantly thinking.
December 27, 2020 â I mean, for a year that brought us so much finally coming to an end, what is there not to think about?
