A/N - I didnât die I had writers' block. So I guess I kind of died. This is a 3 part song fanfic based off 3 different Halsey songs. Itâs pretty angsty. I donât know if anyone is still here reading my stories but thank you to everyone who is. Dedicated to the first guy who broke my heart. (Cause Iâm angsty)
Summary: If I keep my eyes closed he looks just like you.Â
Forever Tags: @mari-melancholy @strangertozier
I know where to lay. I know what to say. Itâs all the same.
You didnât know when you started lying, but maybe it had begun with yourself. When you had peered into the mirror and whispered to yourself that you could get over the memories and move on with someone new. That it was never a relationship, to begin with, just 2 kids spending every waking moment together. In secret. The midnight rendezvous and early morning breakfasts had meant absolutely nothing. Time, after all, was just a concept. As lying was. And lying couldnât hurt if no one found out the truth.
âIâd love to go out with you Michael.â You smiled widely though your eyes flickered to the boy behind him. Richard bared no expression, Michaels confession and your acceptance didnât seem to faze him. You wished you could read minds. Michael stood from his kneeling position and enveloped you in a hug. You squeezed him back, squealing in delight.
The memory was bright and vicious in your head. As was everything that past in those months, and passed to this day.
And I know how to play. I know this game. Itâs all the same.
Michael was kind, caring, and always knew what to say. He showed up to every one of your piano recitals, and your parents loved him. But, most importantly, he didnât hide you. You were his prize, not his secret. You could leave his house in one of his shirts and he didnât panic, thinking someone would notice that youâd spent the night together. He would hold your hand when you walked to the quarry and wrap his arms around your waist in school. You adored his early morning forehead kisses and his late-night insistence to drive you home. Michael Hanlon was the perfect boyfriend. So, why didnât you love him? Michael always told you he loved you as if to make sure you were okay. You always responded back, but youâd never meant it. It was tearing you up inside how strongly Michael seemed to care for you, and as much as you tried you couldnât make yourself love him back.
Now if I keep my eyes closed he looks just like you.
You were laying in Michaels' arms, your eyes closed as you tried to get comfortable. He always insisted on waiting until you fell asleep to sleep himself due to your nightmares, so youâd taken to pretending to be asleep. If you shut your eyes tight enough you could pretend the arms around you belonged to a certain four-eyed boy. You could feel his wavy hair brushing against your shoulder, the soft short breath tingling the back of your neck.
âLetâs go out.â Richie smiled, using his middle and pointer finger to slide his glasses up his face. It was 2 in the morning and the only light in the small town of Derry was coming from the crescent moon. Your eyebrows rose and pulled in, though a small smirk was playing on your face.
âWhere could we possibly go at this time? Everything is closed.â You stood from your spot on his bed and walked over to him, brushing the lipstick stains from his face with your t-shirt. Your heart was thudding in your chest as you reminisced the few shared minutes youâd just had with him. His eyes flickered to yours, you watched as the mischief burned behind them.
âWe could go to the Quarry.â You laughed assuming this was a joke but one glance at his face told you otherwise.
âYouâre insane.â You sat yourself down on his lap missing the way he tensed up. âThe water will be freezing.â He was silent for a few moments, causing you to wish you knew what went on in that head of his.
âI know ways we can get warm after.â You turned in his lap so that you were facing him. He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively and you laughed though your stomach was turning.
âFine letâs go.â You didnât know what was truly going on between you and Richie. It could have been called a relationship, it could have been a strong friendship. All you understood was the burning in your heart and the tightness in your chest whenever he was near. Youâd spend days and nights alone together, cuddling, kissing, or partaking in some rated R activities. On weekends heâd take you to the arcade when it was closed, and teach you about the different games. His arms wrapped around your waist, his hand on yours as he moved the controller around for you. A passionate kiss if you won and light teasing if you didnât. You should have been more concerned with the way he wouldnât touch you if people were around, or how distant he seemed when you were with the rest of the losers. But love is blind.
Heâll never stay, they never do.
When Michael had first shown interest in you, youâd use it to your advantage. Hoping that it would hurt Richie the same way he hurt you. You could taste the metallic of guilt coating your tongue when you giggled at his jokes or rode on the basket of his bike. You knew what you were doing was wrong, but you couldnât stop yourself. You thought that Mike would leave eventually, the same way Richie did. One day showing mass interest in you and the next treating you as though you were some far away object. It would have been that easy if Michael wasnât the kind of person he was. Heâd never given up and showered you with constant affection. You couldnât deny you felt loved, but you wished that love was coming from someone else. Someone who didnât seem to remotely care at all, someone far away from you.
âBaby?â Michael stirred from next to you. You blinked away the unshed tears of guilt and heartbreak. âWhy are you still up?â You cleared your throat, not wanting him to hear the emotions you felt overcome with.
âI slept for about 10 minutes before I woke up.â You answered you knew he knew it was a lie. Michael was kind, but he wasnât ignorant.
âDo you want me to go make some hot chocolate, and then we can sit up and listen to the radio until you fall back to sleep.â You nodded again, and Michael smiled before he leaned over and gave you a kiss on the forehead. Your chest constricted as he rose leaving the room. You sat up in the bed hunched over with your head on your knees as tears ran down your face. Michael didnât deserve this. He didnât deserve to be used when all he did was love you. You took a deep shuddering breath as your mind played back old memories and more recent ones alike. How many times a day when Michaels was touching you did you glance at Richie to see if he cared? Or when you shared a passionate kiss, did you keep your eyes open to see if Richie had noticed. How many times did he not notice? How many times did he prove he didnât care? It was an illusion to you how someone who once acted as though they loved you so much could now be a cold breeze.
Downstairs, Michael had his head in his hands as he leaned on the counter. He could hear the water for the hot chocolate beginning to boil, he wished it was loud enough to drown out his doubts. What was he doing wrong that you didnât love him the way he loved you?
Now if I keep my eyes closed he feels just like you.
âWake up loser.â Richie brushed your nose with the tip of his finger. You stirred, saying something crude under your breath. âI brought you waffles.â You peeked one eye open and looked at him, then at the space around.
âI donât see waffles.â You closed your eye again and Richie laughed. You turned over onto your stomach so he couldnât bother you.
âThereâs whip cream.â You made a muffled sound into the pillow that Richie interpreted as strawberries. âYes, thereâs strawberries.â
âMmmmm.â You said though you made no move to get up. Richie sighed feigning annoyance, though in truth he was enjoying the view.
âSo, youâre not going to get up?â You repeated the muffled noise. âFuck, okay then.â You thought Richie would leave you in bed and go eat by himself but instead, he shot his hand down and began to tickle your feet.
âRichie!â You squealed. Thrashing your feet around as you laughed. âStop!â
âAre you gonna get up?â
âGood.â He laughed, âI put a lot of fucking effort into your early morning breakfast.â You turned around, so you were on your back again, and looking up at Richie. For a tense moment, he just stared at you, his eyes on yours as your mind raced. It had only been 2 months since you and Richie had started seeing each other in secret but he always bore this confused expression when the mood seemed to perfect. Without any warning Rich leaned over and planted his lips onto yours, you jumped slightly not expecting the contact before relaxing into it. The kiss had felt different then the ones previously shared as if he was more present. When Richie finally pulled away you were both panting. He didnât look at you and moved away to your room door. You stayed in the bed, staring down at your hands that had been locked around his neck. âAre you coming?â
âYeah,â you whispered, your brain feeling rung out âYeah Iâm coming.â
But youâve been replaced. Iâm face to face with someone new.
You had been sitting on the couch of Michaels living room, watching St. Elmoâs Fire when he suddenly turned to you, a loving expression on his face. He just watched you for a minute with a small smile.
âYouâre just gorgeous, I feel really lucky to have you.â For the first time in 4 months, your heart soured. You donât know what it was about the situation, maybe the way the sun was illuminating his face or how soft he spoke to you.
âMike.â You whispered shaking your head trying to hold your smile. âI ââ Images of Richie once again flashed in your head, but you shook it off, Michael deserved better than that. âThank you.â He wanted to tell you he loved you, but when he noticed that your responses didnât really hold any meaning for yourself, he had cut it back.
Would've gave it all for you, cared for you.
âWhat are you doing here?â Richie looked up at you from where his legs swung off the edge of the Quarry jump. âWe have school today.â
âExactly, and you werenât in Calculus or your homeroom.â You sat down beside him, crossing your legs. âWhy is that?â He didnât respond, both of you looking down at the Quarry water. It didnât seem to be moving today as if time itself had stilled for this moment. You knew Richie always had a lot on his mind. His mom wasnât the best, his dad had skipped out when he was 6, a lot of people only recognized him for his mouth and not the boy under.
âHave you ever thought about jumping?â You were confused by this, seeing as your group jumped into the water at least once a month.
âWe jump all the time Rich.â
âWhat?â Your heart rate spiked, your hands gripping onto the grass below you. âThat would kill you.â
âI know.â He stood slowly, wiping his hands off on his pants. You werenât as smooth as him, as you got up you fumbled over your feet. Usually, Richie would put his hand out to steady you, but he was lost in his own thoughts.
âYouâre not telling me whatâs going on.â
âNothing to talk about.â He kept walking briskly, it was near impossible to catch up with him but you managed a steady pace behind him.
âYou just contemplated suicide!â You yelled.
âNo, I was looking for a fucking escape.â He reached into his back pocket pulling out his box of cigarettes that heâd begun carrying around when he was 14. He didnât smoke often but when he did, it was either to look cool or to relieve his aching soul. âNot that Iâll take it.â
âGo back to school.â He stopped walking, turning to you so quickly that you bumped into his chest. You moved back looking up at him. He had a small slice on his cheek that looked like it was caused by falling glass shards. His usual life barring eyes were dead and hopeless.
âI said no Richard.â You crossed your arms over your chest and stared at him. âI want to be there for you when you obviously need someone, I want to care about you, and remind you that youâre worth it. I want to be a good girlfriend and an even better friend. I know youâre not helpless but that doesnât mean you donât need someone to be there when you fall.â
âYou didnât have to.â You hugged him tightly, and you could feel him tense up under you. You didnât know what the right thing to do was, but you hoped this was it. âWeâre going to get out of this shit town, and weâre going to drive far away and never look back and weâre going to take the rest of the losers with us.â
âWhat about your dreams?â
âI can make new ones.â You shrugged, you had never really been confident in your life plan regardless. You only made one, so adults wouldnât pressure you. But even if you did have a set plan, you knew you would alter it for Rich, and you thought he knew that too. His body had begun to shake, and you knew he was crying. He wrapped his arms around the small of your back hugging you too him more than you already were. You didnât complain, and you didnât look up. You just wanted to be there for him.
So, tell me where I went wrong.
âI heard you and Michael have been going on a couple of actual dates recently,â Beverly asked you as the losers sat at the quarry. It was sort of an invasive question given that all the boys were around you and listening, besides your boyfriend who had come down with the flu and stayed home.
âUm,â You looked around the group purposefully skipping over Richie, âYeah we have.â The group let out a collective hoot, Richie though kept that bored expression on his face.
âYou know, that boy had been on a quest to make you his the moment you started hanging out with us.â Ben laughed slinging an arm around Beverlyâs shoulders. They had become a couple a few weeks before you and Michael.
âThat was near 2 years ago.â
âYeah, you didnât notice?â
âNo.â You shook your head, taking the opportuning to glance at Richie who was having a side conversation with Eddie. You hadnât noticed because your focus had been on the boy who broke your heart.
âYou know,â Stan who usually avoided anything involving relationships spoke up, âYou never told us why you said yes to Mike anyway.â
âHeâs cute.â You shrugged knowing you didnât have an answer because the answer might have been that he was filling a void where someone else was.
âBoring,â Beverly called out, âgive us a better answer. We want the juicy details.â You took a deep breath, placing your hands behind you and leaning back.
âOkay,â For the second time you looked around the Quarry at your friends except for this time your eyes landed on Richie. He didnât look away and neither did you. âIâve never known what a real relationship was like,â youâd begun knowing this was a lie, âEverything I had experienced before this just led to me getting a broken heart. But Michael, well he really cares, he wakes me by telling me he loves me and takes me to the movies at night,â Richieâs face was beginning to turn red, âHe holds my hand with people around, and he gives me forehead kisses. Michael is the exact opposite of what my last relationship looked like.â The group looked at you for a second with confusion realizing that you never said you were with Michael for Michael, only because he was different. âHe makes me happy, and I love him.â You added quickly, and they relaxed.
âDo we know your prick of an ex?â
âNo,â You continued looking at Richie still, âbut I donât think he ever really loved me regardless. He never said it, and the one time I did he left me.â
âThey sound like a dick.â
âThey are.â You could see the itch in Richieâs face to run away from the situation, but if he did that he would have only exposed himself. So instead, he hit Eddie on the arm and continued whatever conversation he had been having with prior. But you could see how he kept his fist clenched tightly.
Wouldâve traded it all for you, there for you.
âMike.â You knocked on his room door, having been welcomed in downstairs by his Grandpa who seemed to take a liking to you. That only added to your guilt since you knew once everything was exposed in the light Michael wouldnât be the only one hurt. âItâs (Y/N),â You cleared your throat awkwardly not knowing if it was the right thing to do, âI brought you chicken rice soup.â You heard a cough, and a shuffle of feet before the door swung open.
âBabe,â He coughed some more. âWhat are you doing here, I donât want to get you sick.â
âI have my flu shot.â You shrugged. âGo lay down.â He peered at you for a few more minutes, as if turning you away was a practical choice but he knew you would never relent. With a sigh, he followed your orders and went to lay down. You followed him inside, stopping at his table top to set up the soup and your motherâs tea mug. It was magnificent at keeping drinks hot. âWe have tea, soup, and the 3 daysâ worth of homework you missed.â
âYou definitely didnât need to bring that last one.â
âIf you want to graduate I did.â You laughed as Mike groaned before laying his head back. You carried the tea and soup over to his bed, sitting on the edge so that you could help him if he needed it. âHere baby, I brought you tea, my mom made it and itâs supposed to do wonders for the flu.â Michael didnât respond as he stares at you with wide eyes, panic grew in your chest. âMike?â He blinked but still didnât say anything. âMike are you okay?â
âYou called me baby.â Now, you were the one starring and blinking. âYouâve just never done that before, usually Iâm the one with the pet names.â
âOh.â You whispered. âSorry?â Michael tried to laugh but it turned into a hacking cough. You cringed hoping he would feel better soon.
âDonât apologize, it just caught me off guard.â
âI would kiss you, but I donât want to risk infection.â You smiled feeling less miserable about the revelation then you thought you would.
So, tell me how to move on.
When the teacher had called the pairs for the Calculus project and said your name with Richieâs in tow youâd felt the bile rise in your throat. It was a hot and gross feeling that overcame you as he slowly gathered his books and came to sit next to you. Youâd tapped your foot the rest of the class period, missing all the instruction she gave on the project. The proximity you had to him was to close, you could smell his cologne and hear his short breathing. It brought back memories that youâd thought toxic, and you wanted nothing but space from him. It was hard enough avoiding him when the losers were around, but Richie took care of that himself. You could see him peering at you out of the corner of his eyes and the panicking feeling grew. Youâd done so much to try and recover from the hurt heâd caused you and this one Calc project was going to be the destruction of it all. When the bell rung dismissing the class you practically ran from the room. If you could have gone any faster without causing a disruption you would have. Richie was an asshole, a prick, and a heartbreaker but he wasnât stupid. So, when you heard his footsteps behind you, you werenât surprised.
âHow are we going to do this project?â You ignored him continuing to walk towards the lunch room. âWe could do it at my place.â You grunted disapprovingly. âOr at yours.â You repeated the noise. Â â(Y/N), donât be such a bitch we need this grade.â That made you stop walking, you turned to Richie with your eyes squinted so far, they were almost shut.
âDid you just tell me not to be a bitch?â
âI know you heard me, fuck.â Richieâs face was red with what you interpreted as anger.
âNot until we discuss the project.â
âI rather take an F than work with you,â
âWhy?â The question threw you into a tailspin. The reasons seemed obvious. After months of hiding and accepting less than you deserved, heâd left you on the curb of your house soaking in the rain.
âWhy?!â You screamed back, hurt that he even had to ask.
âBecause you broke my fucking heart!â You shoved him once in the chest, hard enough that he stumbled. âI gave you 9 months of my life, 9 months of secrecy, 9 months of fucking love for you to throw it all back in my face like it meant nothing!â
âYouâre yelling.â He said through gritted teeth.
âI donât care!â You rose your arms up in the air, causing more people to look in your direction. âIâm not hiding shit anymore!â
â(Y/N).â He whispered Â
âI loved you!â This rose eyebrows in the hallway, everyone knew you had been in a relationship with Michael for a while now. âI loved you and you used me!â Another shove, Richie didnât fight it. âWhat did all of it mean to you? All of those early morning breakfastâs and star gazing nights.â He didnât respond. âWhat did I do wrong?â
âIf you keep this up, your precious boyfriend is going to hear.â Richie looked angry, you didnât know if it was because of your insistent screaming or the mention of Michael. By the way, he had been acting you settled on the first. âWe donât want him to know the real reason youâre dating him.â A warmth rose in your chest, a bitter feeling replacing and overcoming the sadness youâd felt for so long.
âI hate you.â Your arms fell limp at your sides as you stared into Richieâs eyes. âI hate you so much, and I wish I could forget you ever existed.â You turned away leaving him behind, the way he had done to you. Your heart thumbed through your chest but each one hurt more than the last.
You had given him everything and all you got in return was a shattered heart.
Richieâs love was of the forbidden variety, not that there was any force driving you two apart. Unless you considered Richie himself to be that force. He was caring and loving when the doors were shut, but the minute someone shined a spotlight in your direction it was as if he was Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde. When Richie first proposed the idea that you guys see each other in secret it had seemed like the smartest most romantic thing ever but as time went on you slowly started to feel like a toy in his game. If only that had been enough to persuade you not to love him. As many dark sides as there were to Richie, there was also a pool of light. How many times had he woken you up to breakfast, or spontaneously showed up at your house at 12 in the morning with flowers in his hands? Still, you reminisced about the way he would twirl you in a circle to dance to music on his record player as you laughed loudly. Sometimes you still wondered if that should have been enough. Then you remember, it never was. It never will be.
Michaelâs love was every girl's dream. He baked you cookies, and spoon fed you soup when you were sick. Your parents absolutely adored him and would invite him over for dinner at least once a week. He wanted to take your relationship slow and cherish every inch of you. You felt like a princess when you were with him. Your crown may have been invisible, but Michael somehow saw it. When your nightmares would get bad he would hold you until you fell asleep again. You knew Michael should have been the one for you, and that you should have valued it more. How many times a day did you tell yourself that, try to convince yourself that you should break up with Michael and give him the opportunity to date someone who appreciated him. How many times did you rationalize your reason for not doing it? Michael was one of the first people you felt ever truly loved you. But you kept kicking that love to the curb.
âWe need to talk.â It was pouring out, and Richie had been avoiding you that day. It wasnât unusual for him as he never wanted anyone to see you guys together. He had chopped it up to people being nosey, but you knew it was deeper than that. Your stomach turned as you watch Richie, you slightly hopped it was the conversation you waited 9 months for.
âSure, come in.â Richie shook his head, not meeting your eyes. âOr donât.â You said quietly the nerves in your stomach growling. You took a step forward and closed your house door behind you. âIâm actually really happy youâre here I have something I wanted to tell you.â You tried to lighten the mood but the lilt in your voice spoke on the tension.
âOh?â He still doesnât look at you, âUm,â He kicks his foot through the grass of your yard. âDo you wanna go first?â He was stalling, and you knew that. For some reason it gave you a push, maybe he was acting so nervous because he wanted to confess the same things you did.
But maybes were always a dangerous ground to step on.
âYeah.â You took a deep breath thinking back to all the moments and memories that had shaped your life over the last 9 months, âRichie I love you.â He didnât respond but his body tensed up. âYouâve shown me the best and greatest time of my life these last couple of months, Iâve truly discovered who I was with you around and -
âI canât see you anymore.â He cut you off and your heart dropped into your stomach. He never once looked up, but the way he spoke didnât convey shame. He knew what he was doing but he didnât seem to care. Richie turned around and began to walk away.
âRichie?â You yelled at him. âRich!â There was no explanation, no look of regret, he didnât even seem to have emotion. âRichie, what did I do!â You walked out from the comfort of your porch into the heavy rain. He didnât turn around. You wondered what it would feel like to see him again and not be able to touch him.
They donât realize Iâm thinking about you.
Michael had you pressed against your room door, his lips leaving a trail down your neck. You were trying to focus on the present, on the feel of his lips against your skin but your mind kept wandering to the times you had been in this same situation with Richie.
You were giggling excessively as Richie kissed your neck, he had your arms pinned above your head and your back pinned against the wall. It was his attempt to be sexy and daring but all he was doing was tickling you.
âYou laughing is really bad for my fucking ego babe.â
âIâm sorry, Iâm sorry, it tickles.â You giggled some more. âIâll try to be more serious I promise.â Richie rolled his eyes, but you knew he wasnât upset, he had told you countless times how much he loved your laugh. He continued kissing down your neck, and you managed a few seconds of silence before you couldnât help but laugh again. âYouâre tickling me!â
âHow!?â He pulled away letting your arms go.
âI can feel your breathing on my collar bone and it tickles!â You laughed more skimming your skin lightly where you could still feel the tiny goosebumps.
âOkay, you know what?â He looked down at you with a mixture of agitation and amusement.
âWhat?â Suddenly, Richâs arms were around your waist as he lifted you off the floor and towards the bed. âWhere are we going?â
âIâm going to try and fix my wounded ego.â He tossed you onto the bed and you chuckled as you flopped.
âShut it.â He was leaning over your body, so close that you could once again feel his breathing on your skin. It still tickled but the determination in his eyes was enough to get you not to laugh. His eyes were locked on yours so intensely that you were already breathing heavily. The static around the both of you was so charged it could have been tangible. âSometimes,â His eyes fell on your lips, âI think I like you too much.â You didnât respond as you watched him watching you. âLike there are too many feelings here that I didnât bargain for.â That caught your attention, and you paid more attention to his words. âBut I also think that I like it, I like you. A lot.â He smirked softly, before leaning down and kissing you. Your stomach was in knots as your palms grew clammy. He was talking to himself more than you, and you recognized that. Almost as much as you recognized how passionate he could be.
âRichie.â You breathed, except it was no longer inside of the memory.
âWhat did you say?â Michael pulled away looking confused. Your heart dropped, this wasnât the way you wanted him to find out.
âI â âYou took a deep breath, moving your hand from his chest to your own. Trying to hold your thudding heart inside. âI said quit it.â You smiled though you knew it came from pained. My parents will be home soon baby.â
âOh okay.â He smiled at you and you couldnât tell if he knew you were lying, or what you had really said. When were you going to move on?
Itâs nothing new. Itâs nothing new.
âI remember the day you stood like this, on my porch.â You were copying the memory, standing on Richieâs porch, as he thought you were going to work on the project together. âYou walked away from me and I just kept calling after you, like a damn fucking idiot.â You slowly shook your head as a sad smile found its way onto your lips. âI donât know what was worse: you saying you couldnât do this anymore, or me living with the silly hope you might just come back.â Unlike Richie, you looked up and into his eyes. He had been too cowardly to break your heart to your face, but you were stronger than he was. You handed him a slip of white paper, with a name and number scrawled on it. âI talked to the teacher and got our partners switched. Youâll be working with Amarys now.â He took the slip of paper from your hand and you turned around to leave, to start a new chapter in your life. Tell Michael the truth, have him leave you for better, get out of Derry and go to College, and finally learn how to love again.
â(Y/N)!â Richie called you causing you to chuckle at the irony. â(Y/N), wait!â If only it had been raining, the moment would have looked the same. The only difference was the sound of Richieâs running feet behind you. You kept walking not willing to give in to him but then his hands were on your shoulders and he was turning you to face him. He looked down at you for less than a second before his lips were on yours. It was the kind of kiss that really shouldnât have been happening, it was a mistake, but you just couldnât find the ability to pull away. His lips were hot against yours as he took steps to close the space between the both of you. Somehow his hands had found their way to your waist, and you allowed it, if only for a few more moments. You knew reality had to hit, and that this was going to be the last time you let Richie get away with this. Yet, how many times in the last months had you ached for this moment, wanted recognition from Richie that he still cared about you. Your hands found their way to his chest and as much as you wanted to pull him closer you shoved him away. He moved back looking at you with confusion, you shook your head before turning and walking away again. The kiss for you had only meant goodbye. â(Y/N)?â Richieâs voice sounded unusual in your ears. You kept your eyes in front of you as you continued to walk this time. âI love you!â A spike shot through your heart, but it was too little too late. âI love you (Y/N)!â